As I walked down the hallway, I abruptly became aware of a dripping sound, and I looked down to find a small trail of blood drops.

"Whoops." As I remembered that I was injured, the pain suddenly made mounted a full-frontal assault on my consciousness, and I shuddered and hissed as I fought it back down. Thinking quickly, I remembered that Pinkie had kept various objects all over Ponyville in case of emergencies. I looked around, and noticed a trash can in a small nook in the wall. I looked past it, and lying on floor in the nook was a medical box.

Never thought I'd be so happy for Pinkie's seeming randomness.

I had long ago discovered that Pinkie had reasoning behind all her actions, it was simply faster and more roundabout than most could handle normally. Fortunately, I had learned some of the patterns of her behaviour, and I was glad I did as I opened the box and found disinfectant and a roll of bandages, as well as large adhesive bandages, which I used on my neck. I used the roll of bandaging inside to wrap my arm, and continued on my way once it was all put away again. After all, it wouldn't do to show up to a wedding crash all bloody. When I got to the wedding hall, though, I could already hear Twilight calling out the fake Cadence. A few seconds later, the phony ran out of the room, obviously crying with fake tears. The rest of the girls, Shining, and Celestia followed soon after. They all seemed worried about 'Cadence', and I slipped in after they left to find Twilight crying on the stairs. She looked up as I approached, and a pleading look was in her eyes.

"Zephyr... Is it really her? What's going on?"

I sat down next to my mare and pulled her close.

"Don't worry, Twilight. Everything's going to be alright."

"Heh heh heh... Nothing is going to be alright. Not for you."

I looked behind us at the source of the voice, and saw 'Cadence' standing there, a wicked smile on her face and her horn alight with a sick green glow. Green fire suddenly formed around Twilight and I, and I could feel the floor below us giving way. Twilight whimpered in fear.

God-damned gate magic.

--

When my senses finally came back to me and I didn't feel like an amorphous blob, I noticed Twilight's voice, as well as another. My eyes finally refocused, and I saw Twilight standing nearby, arguing with the image of 'Cadence' in the crystals that surrounded us. I forced my body to move, and stood up on shaky legs as Twilight began blasting the crystals. I could hear laughter, and saw Twilight run off, following the images as they retreated and trying to destroy the false pony who appeared on them. As she got further away, a full-body image of 'Cadence' appeared on a nearby crystal.

"So, my little human, do you see now how little the ponies care for you? She's more interested in destroying me than making sure you're okay."

"Good," I rasped as my voice finally started working again. The image chuckled.

"Playing the tough guy won't get you anywhere. I have an interest in you, though, unlike them. I've never seen anything like you before. Come now, certainly you don't actually believe that these ponies will want you to stay? I, however, enjoy having strange beings nearby. Swear loyalty to me, and I will ensure you never go hungry again. Swear to me, and I will give you everything you could ever want."

"Fuck you." I was regaining my fine motor control, now. The image cooed at me.

"Ooh, I like that idea. So much love in sex. More delicious, as well."

It suddenly clicked as I stood up straight.

"You eat emotions. No wonder you're so afraid of ponies, then, if you're vampiric like that."

The image's demeanor suddenly changed to fury.

"AFRAID?! I am NOT afraid of these pathetic ponies! They are food, nothing more."

I chuckled and yawned.

"Yeah, we'll see. It looks like your little game is over, anyway. Your illusions led Twilight right to the real Cadence."

The image disappeared, and I stretched as the two mares approached. The fake Cadence had gotten the physical appearance right, but the real one moved much more gracefully and gently. There was no sense of superiority or station, just a mare who cared about the ones around her. She was wearing the remains of what used to be a nice dress, and her fur, mane and tail were all disheveled and frazzled, but she still managed to pull of the look of a true member of royalty.

"Zephyr, are you alright? We heard voices," Twilight said as she did a quick once-over on me for injuries.

"Oh, I'm dandy. The royal bitch upstairs tried to make a deal with me, and ended up spilling the beans on how I can bring this whole operation down around her ears. We just need to get up there, first."

"Before we go, I don't think we've been introduced yet."

I turned back to see Cadence smiling at us. She curtsied as she introduced herself.

"I am Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. You can just call me Cadence, though."

I bowed in return.

"Zephyr Arvrkar. Just 'Zephyr' is fine, though."

She giggled, and started moving.

"I think I saw some light this way."

As we began moving, I could feel the air shifting in a rhythm, and within seconds, Cadence was singing with the Music of Harmony. When we got to the end of the song, we were in a minecart, barrelling towards a broken section that was not long enough for us to make the jump to the exit at the top of a cliff in front of us. As I expected, the cart fell short. Cadence managed to grab Twilight and fly the rest of the way, but I knew my weight would drag her down too much. I launched myself off the minecart, and slammed against the cliff wall, barely catching a small protrusion. I managed to get another handhold, and began climbing, pushing with my legs as best I could on the almost-shear surface. I could hear voices at the top, and then yelling, and as I neared the edge, Cadence and Twilight appeared above me, and each of them grabbed one of my hands to help me up. Once I was back on solid ground I noticed a three-way fight in a small nook of the cave with Lyra, Colgate, and another mare I didn't recognize.

Why are Lyra and Colgate here? And why are they ripping each other's... dresses... off.... I snapped my gaze back to Twilight and Cadence, and followed them as the sound of tearing cloth followed us out. As we moved through the castle, it became apparent to me that whatever had been taking place had begun a long time ago. The guards were missing from the hallways, and while there were certainly more being deployed to the city to keep the citizens safe, there should have been at least a few still inside. However, the halls were practically empty, and as we neared the wedding area, we could hear the sounds of the wedding.

The real one, not the rehearsal.

All three of us double-timed down the last hall, and as we approached the big double-doors, I put on some extra speed to pull ahead.

"Please, ladies. Allow me."

I pushed on both doors to find them well-oiled, and gave an extra shove at the end to throw them open.

"Hello, ladies and gentlecolts!" Every head in the room turned towards me, and I could see the fake Cadence's face twist with rage. "Now presenting, the real Princess Mi Amore Cadenza!" I made a grand gesture, followed with a bow, and stepped to one side as she came in, moving with both anger and grace(another thing only those with adequate amounts of fanciness can pull off).

As the crowd began slowly panicking, Cadence filled in the few blanks that I still had left on my color-by-numbers for the situation.

"Her name is Chrysalis. She's a changeling. She can take the form of any other pony, and feeds off the love of those around her."

The phony was suddenly engulfed in green flame, and a completely different creature stood there when they subsided. She appeared to be a cross between a pony and a bug, with black chitin, insectoid wings, and a 'crown' that appeared to be made of small antennae, though that may have just been the angle. She had two large fangs that protruded from her mouth, hair with the consistency of seaweed, and there were holes in her arms and legs, though what purpose they could serve was beyond me. The ponies in the room began panicking in earnest, and I pulled Twilight out of the way as most of them fled.

"So you escaped. It doesn't matter anymore," she bragged as the guards in the room were quickly neutralized by other changelings who had disguised themselves as guards. "My army has gathered more than enough energy to deal with your precious guards, and I have enough to hold all of you!"

"I will not allow it!" Princess Celestia jumped into the air, and hovered with great flaps of her wings as she fired a beam of concentrated magic at the Queen Bug. Chrysalis responded with her own beam, and after a short battle of wills, beat Celestia.

Wait, what?

I stood there dumbfounded as Twilight and her friends rushed to Celestia's side, switching my gaze between the fallen princess and the bitch. Twilight and her friends ran out to get the Elements of Harmony, obviously confident of their success. I watched them leave, then closed my mouth, steepled my fingers, and gathered my thoughts as I slowly turned back around. Chisel-less was now posing triumphantly at the top of the stairs, Shining Armor now fully brain-dead as far as I could tell, with a smug grin as changelings began surrounding both Cadence and Celestia, who had gone unconscious. I walked slowly forward toward Celestia, and several changelings moved around me as little miss overconfident smirked at me. Fortunately, I had left my guitar with Luna, so I didn't need to worry about it getting damaged over the course of the next half an hour.

"If you're hoping to save yourself, my previous offer is closed. If you beg me to spare you, though, I'll consider keeping you as my pet." She chuckled, and I shook my head as I looked down at Celestia.

"No, no. I won't be the one in chains when this is over, I can assure you of that."

She laughed outright, and looked at me in amused curiosity.

"And how can you assure me of that? The princess is defeated, my army guards the vault with the Elements, and the leader of the entire Royal Guard is now under my control. Unless you plan to run, of course. Save yourself, start over somewhere else, perhaps?"

"No." I looked up at her calmly and seriously. "You're going to lose. Even if they don't succeed in getting the Elements, even if you beat every pony here, you will lose."

"How? Are you going to beat me somehow? All by yourself?"

"Yes."

She laughed uncontrollably, and I saw Cadence give me a worried look. Several changelings seemed to gain some clarity as Crystal-ass lost control, and several gave me various looks of pity or confusion.

"I find it amusing that you think this is impossible."

She started gathering herself again, and the changelings went back under.

"Of course it's impossible! I have an army, and you have nothing! I could kill you with but a thought, if I wanted to!"

I moved away from Celestia, then spread my arms wide and smiled at the queen.

"Do it, then."

She seemed genuinely surprised for a moment, then smiled again.

"Very well, as you wish." She collected a ball of energy at the end of her horn, then sent it flying at my head. It impacted my nose and burst, leaving me with spots in my eyes from the light and a slightly itchy nose from the turbulence of the air. She reeled back, and I saw Cadence's jaw drop from the corner of my eye, where I could still see properly.

"Was that it? Because you'll have to try a lot harder than that to kill me."

The queen shook with rage, then began hovering in place with a loud buzz as she gathered more energy.

"Fine, then! Let's see how well you absorb this!" She fired a large beam of energy at me, which burned through my shirt and jacket, leaving me bare-chested, but unharmed. She stared at me, speechless.

"Oh, did I forget to mention that I'm immune to magic?"

As if on cue, the double doors opened again, allowing Twilight and her friend entrance as they were herded in by several changelings.

"Well, I guess that means I really don't have a choice, at this point." I tapped my wrists together twice, knocking the small gems on my bracelets together before holding them a moment, as though in thought. I reached into my back pocket, and pulled out the piece of string I had brought. I then walked over to Cadence as everyone else in the room watched me in confusion. "Princess Cadence, would you happen to have ay rings on you?"

"Um, yes, here." She handed me a small, cheap-looking ring from her finger, obviously something she had had for a long time, judging from the wear on it, and I moved back to the center of the room as I threaded the ring onto the string.

"So, I'm going to give you all a little lesson on humans, using this ring and this string. First, though, I will need two volunteers." I feigned looking over the crowd, then pointed to Twilight and Pinkie. I heard a small rustling, and noticed Celestia was coming to her senses as my mares stood on either side of me as I directed. "Now, I would like you all to keep your eyes on the ring, in particular." I laid the threaded ring on my palm, and held it up as Schnitzel-mess watched in suspicion and confusion. "The ring is now in my palm. This begins our lesson on humans. Most humans have a relatively obvious starting point, whether it be a home, a vehicle, or something else. One can always find a human by beginning at the point of origin. However..." I turned my hand over, and reached with my other hand to grab the string, running it through my fingers tightly as I pulled it taught and gave it to Pinkie. "...sometimes, this is not enough. In order to find out where a human has gone in their life, one must keep track of small details." I snuck the ring out of my closed fingers, and grabbed it with my second hand, keeping it hidden from view as I pulled the other half of the string taught and gave it to Twilight. I stuck my hand in my pocket, and deposited the ring as my mares relaxed slightly and the string returned to a slack position. "If one does not keep track of everything a human has done in their life, then finding out where that human has gone and what they have done during their life becomes nearly impossible. Now, Twilight, Pinkie, when I say 'three', I want you to give a small tug on the string, okay?"

They both nodded.

"One... two... three!" They tugged on the string and I opened my hand, revealing that the ring was no longer there. I held my hand up for all to see, and the queen blinked in surprise as I heard a whining sound at the edge of my audio range.

"Where did it go?!"

Twilight and Pinkie both looked at me in shock as well, and I smiled in self-satisfaction as I sent them back to stand with their friends.

"As you can see, humans are easy to misread, and are masters of deception. Now, for my next trick I shall turn into a pegasus."

I heard Rainbow snort as the whining turned into a low roar.

"That's a trick I'd like to see!"

On cue, the window at the center behind the altar shattered as a large golden object crashed through it, straight at me. It turned at the last moment, flipping and attaching itself to my head as the momentum dragged my body clear off the floor. I backflipped as more of my body was covered in gold, and slid several feet after landing as the plates covering my limbs finished aligning themselves. I stood, and the heads-up display lit up the faceplate in front of me as the sensory feedback switches in the armor synced up with my electrical patterns. The metal wings on my back splayed out, and I gave them a few experimental flaps as I got accustomed to the new joints. I stretched out my body, checking my range of motion and the mobility of the armor pieces, and then set myself in a combat pose.

"My name is Zephyr Arvrkar. I was born in the United States of America, planet Earth. I am a nuclear engineer, rank of Petty Officer, in the United States Navy. Prepare for an ass-whooping."

Author's Note

I'm surprised no one's noticed the other reference I made with Time Turner. Can you find the one I made here?