The Sexiest Man in Equestria

As the train to Canterlot trundled along, I sat comfortably half-awake between Pinkie and Twilight. They were all talking about how exciting everything was, and I caught snippets of what was being said as I slipped in and out of consciousness. I was shaken awake and I could hear some concerned tones of voice as we neared Canterlot, and looked out the window to see what had them so excited.

I became fully awake when I saw a huge pink bubble surrounding the city. The bubble came down just past the station, where a pair of guards were standing at the front of a line of ponies, checking possessions. The girls and Spike all wondered aloud what was happening as I scowled. Twilight turned back to me and I wiped the bad look off my face.

"Did you know about this?"

"I didn't think it was this bad.... We"ll have to find out what's been going on, here."

The train began slowing down as we approached, and everyone gathered their belongings. I pulled my sword and guitar out from the overhead compartment, and strapped them on as the others filed out. I exited onto the platform, and nearly ran into Pinkie's backside, where she had stopped. Looking ahead, I could see that we were at the back of the line of ponies having their belongings checked.

All the magic you could ever ask for, and it'll still probably take us an hour to get through this security check. Hurgh.

I resigned myself to my fate, and made use of my position behind Pinkie to grope her butt a little. She giggled a little, and flicked her tail at me. Fortunately, the line moved faster than I thought it would, and it only took about forty minutes for us to make it to the front. By the time we got there, Pinkie's tail was nearly flailing at my arm as she tried to control herself. I stopped when Rarity, the furthest forward of the group, got her bags checked, allowing Pinkie time to compose herself. She turned her head back and grinned slyly at me, swatting my leg with her tail.

"Bad Zephyr," she whispered playfully, "you should know better than to get a mare horny in public."

I grinned back as Rarity was cleared to pass and Rainbow took her place.

"Well, you'll have plenty of time to decide how to rectify that while you're working, if what little I heard on the train was accurate. It sounded like you all will be busy."

"What are you going to be doing?"

Rainbow's single bag was cleared, and Fluttershy moved forward at Applejack's gentle push.

"A couple of things. Spar with Shining, hopefully. Knock a couple of too-proud recruits and nobles down a peg or ten. Maybe catch up with Celestia a bit." I paused for effect. "Luna."

Fluttershy was cleared as Pinkie giggle-snorted, and Twilight looked back over her shoulder at us to make sure we were behaving, then moved forward as Applejack's bags were checked.

"So, what about tonight?"

"Maybe. It's been a while since Luna had my full attention, though, so she might get me to herself tonight."

She flicked her tail at me disappointedly.

"So when am I going to get you to myself?"

"Soon. Probably after the ceremony. Twilight will be busy with her family, and Luna will have started her night shift, which leaves us to do as we please."

Applejack's bags were cleared, and Twilight took her place as Pinkie perked back up and wagged her tail.

"Alright, then. I can live with that. Besides, Luna works reeeeaaaaally hard. She deserves some attention to herself."

"Glad to know you approve."

Twilight passed through the checkpoint, and Pinkie moved up as I noticed Spike was already on the other side. He hadn't brought any bags, so it didn't surprise me any. Once Pinkie was deemed unthreatening (they couldn't seem to actually empty her bag), the gurads let her pass and turned to me. I smiled and waved, and both of them stared at the sword on my back.

"You are aware," one of them began, "that there are no weapons allowed in the city, correct?"

"What?" I asked with faux confusion, "My guitar? That's not a weapon."

The other guard facepalmed as the first one gave me a deadpan look.

"Not the instrument, the sword."

"Really? But that's my sparring sword! I wanted to get in a round or two with Shining before he had to get ready, help him relax a bit. Look, I'll even prove it's not dangerous." I pulled the sword out, rested the blade on my palm, and drew the edge across my skin. The blade came away clean, and I showed off my uninjured hand. "See? Harmless."

Neither of them seemed impressed.

"Sir, the city is currently in lockdown. We are not allowed to let in anyone with a weapon. Now are you going to hand it over or not?"

I sighed dramatically.

"Fine, if I must. Just make sure it doesn't get hurt. No extra scratches, okay?" I resheathed it and handed him the whole thing.

"Yes, fine. We'll be sure it remains in good condition. Thank you." They set it in a bin, and let me through.

I guess it's worse than I thought.

Shining had put up a standing order some time ago that I was to be allowed entrance to the city under any circumstances, after I had soundly thrashed him and his six best subordinates all at once in a sparring match, proving that I wouldn't need weapons to take over if I wanted to. As I shrugged innocently to Twilight and we continued on our way to the castle, I wondered what was really going on. I thought harder about the two guards, remembering small details, and realized that neither of them were who they appeared to be. Ponies didn't usually have good enough eyes for detail, but during the collective time I had spent in Canterlot, I had learned how to identify different members of the guard, and had memorized the entirety of the upper echelons of the force. Both of the guards at the station had been wearing armor with Major symbols, but no pony of that rank had arm fur as smooth as those two. Most of them even fluffed out their arm fur, to make themselves seem a little bigger to other ponies.

Those two were impostors. They weren't using illusions, though, I would have noticed that. Which means that whoever those two really are can use full-body transformation spells. Great.

Twilight suddenly started yelling, and we stopped while Shining Armor came down to greet us.

If those two were fakes, though, then that means there could be eyes and ears anywhere and everywhere. I need to get to Luna.

"And just who is this 'Princess Mi Amore Cadenza' anyway?"

"Twily, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is Cadence, your old foalsitter."

Twilight immediately perked up at this, and she was nearly overcome with emotion as a bright pink alicorn came out of the castle looking for Shining. I immediately knew something was up. She was certainly something to look at, but the way she moved and spoke was all wrong. I didn't know her, but I knew Shining Armor, and he would never marry a pony like this. Twilight suddenly started dancing and chanting, and shook her butt in a way that would have had me aroused, if not for Cadence's reaction.

"What are you doing?" she asked incredulously.

Performing what was obviously a form of private personal greeting, which you failed to even recognize. I answered silently. A ten-year-old could figure you out. I looked around at the assembled ponies, who seemed to shrug off the incident as uninteresting, and resisted the urge to facepalm at the obliviousness they were displaying as Shining introduced all of us.

"-and this is Zephyr Arvrkar."

I returned my attention to the conversation as Shining's phony wife looked at me with wide-eyed interest.

"My, my. I've never seen anything like you before. And what are you, precisely?" Her tone was uppity and had a note of condescension, confirming my belief that something was wrong with Shining's head. I put on my best fake confidence.

"Human. One of a kind, on this world. Nice to meet you."

She got closer to me, and bent over to show me her cleavage as she continued speaking.

"Well, you are most interesting. You must have had quite a bit of trouble fitting in with ponies, am I right? Especially if those sharp teeth I see indicate anything about your diet."

I shrugged, keeping my eyes locked on hers.

"There were some rumors and a little fear, sure, but it wasn't that difficult. I just had to play nice and make myself useful. After that, they just got used to me."

She seemed suspicious of my answer, and stood back up as she looked at me quizzically.

"Oh really? We'll have to speak further on that topic later, then. For now, though, I should show the rest of you what you'll be doing here. I'm afraid I didn't account for another member in the party."

I waved my hand dismissively.

"Not a problem. It's been a while since Luna and I got some time together, so I'll go catch up with her. I'll see the rest of you later, alright?"

The girls and Shining all waved as I left, and I headed off to Luna's tower, taking in every detail of my surroundings as I walked. I noticed several guards watching me as I went, confirming my suspicion that the force had been fully infiltrated. I finally got to Luna's tower, and climbed the stairs two at a time. When I got to the top, I saw Night Ray and Moonshot, Luna's best guards, at their posts.

Or am I seeing impostors?

"Hello, boys!" I greeted. "How ya doing today?"

Both of them smiled at me, and Night Ray opened the door.

"Just fine, Zephyr. Luna's waiting for you."

I guess that answers my question.

I went in, and immediately froze. I didn't see Luna anywhere, until I looked up. She was inside some sort of cocoon, along with the real Night Ray and Moonshot, suspended from the ceiling. I felt something impact my back, and went sprawling to the floor. I quickly got up on my hands and knees, then somersaulted forward when I heard movement behind me. I rose back to my feet, and turned around ready to fight.

"You are a threat to the success of this operation," they said in unison. "You will be subdued and harvested."

"Sorry, but unless that's an innuendo for something much more pleasant, I'm going to have to disagree with your assessment of the situation."

They both lunged at me, and I dodged the fake Moonshot so I could redirect the fake Night Ray into him. They crashed to the ground, and I looked around for a weapon. Spotting the fireplace, I rushed over and grabbed the poker from its holding place. The doppelgangers recovered, and drew their swords. Night Ray's copy rushed me first with an overhead strike, and I blocked it before driving my fist straight into his muzzle. He recoiled as the fake Moonshot came at me from the side, and I blocked his attack as well so I could grab his helmet and rip it off. I threw it across the room, and slapped him, making him step back with a confused look. I saw the fake Night Ray coming at me again, and swung the poker at his sword as I raised my arm defensively, shattering the blade. The pieces bounced off my clothes, but a few hit my skin, drawing blood from my hand and the back of my neck. It wasn't bad enough to warrant immediate medical attention, though, so I didn't worry about it. The doppelganger backed up a couple steps and stared at the broken weapon, giving me a chance to swing the poker again, this time against his head. It clanged against the metal, and his eyes went wide for a moment before they closed and he crumpled to the floor in a heap. Moonshot's copy tried an overhead again, and this time I angled the poker so the the blade slid along the length, catching on the hook near the end. I grabbed his arm, spun the poker so the hook was on the back, and swung in a wide arc, bringing it down on his collarbone. His eyes went wide and his body went limp, and I moved my hand from his arm to his throat as he dropped his sword.

When I did this, a change seemed to come over him. His eyes seemed to refocus, and he began struggling in earnest as he spoke in a much different tone than before.

"No, please! Stop!"

I narrowed my eyes, letting him know I was in no mood for games.

"Why should I?" I stopped squeezing so he could speak.

"I'm not your enemy! I didn't want to do any of this! It's her. She's been controlling us."

"What do you mean?"

"We can communicate, with our minds. She's been using that to force her will on us! We never would have done this, except for her!"

"Who?"

The doppelganger suddenly started panicking.

"No! No, I won't go back! Hit me! Hit me now!"

I suddenly realized that he was being put back under control, and struck the back of his head, rendering him unconscious.

"Well, now I know who needs punishment. First, though...." I looked back up at the cocoons that held my mare and her guards, and started looking around for a way to get them down. Before long, I had moved almost every piece of furniture in the room to become a platform that I could climb onto and pull them out, depositing each one onto the bed afterward. I got Night Ray and Moonshot out first, then pulled Luna out and sat down with her in my lap.

"Luna. Luuuuunnaaaaa." I shook her gently to wake her up, and after a few tries her eyelids fluttered open.

"Wha...? Ooohh... What hath happened? Where-Zephyr? What' is going on?"

I pulled her close and rested my chin on her head.

"An invasion, by the looks of it. Just not one the invaders agree with."

She moved back and looked up at me, obviously still recovering.

"What doth thou mean? All was in order, last we saw."

"Don't worry, I can handle this. I'm pretty sure I already know who the ringleader is, I just need to get everyone else ready."

She leaned against my neck again.

"We had been hoping to spend time with thee."

"I know. I was planning on spending time with you, too. Don't worry, though. I'll be back later."

She nodded, and I moved her onto the bed before giving her a kiss goodbye. The two impostors wouldn't wake up until Luna was able to deal with them, so I headed back out to find Twilight. Chances were good she had already figured out something was amiss. I just had to convince the others.

That would be the hard part.