The Quest for Cutie Mark.
In Ponyville, nopony noticed the strange, pale grey mare with a short, straggly, slightly darker grey mane as she walked around the back of a house in the main square. When she had apparently reached her destination, she sat down and spoke, seemingly to thin air.
"Hello, all you voices in my head. I... well, I can't remember my name right now, it's been sucked into my blank flank like everything else. Okay, here's my story: I'm a twenty year old loser who hasn't gotten her Cutie Mark. Sad, isn't it? Yeah, that's what my parents thought as well. They kicked me out.
I don't have any real direction in life except wallowing in misery, so I'll let you tell me what to do. You probably know this, but I have a very loose sense of ethics, and am not above the most heinous of atrocities known to Ponykind. I am also poor and as of yet I have had no job. I don't even have a house. Thus far, I have been utterly unnoticed by anypony. A pink one almost saw me, but was then distracted with shovelling a wedding cake into her gaping harvester maw, like she was a starving manticore or something. It was quite disgusting, and anatomically improbable. Regardless, I need to have somepony tell me what to do, and I might as well listen to the voices in my head." She sat back, waiting for a voice that only she could hear.
And then she farted, relieving the itch that had plagued her rear for many hours.
BRT!
She blushed, but took comfort in the relieved itch from her rear. "Okay, that was weird, strange voice. Don't do that sort of thing again, please... although, my rear IS less itchy now..." She scratched her rear reflectively.
And then the voices in her head told her to go to the Everfree for some reason...
She scratched her chin in thought. "Hmmm... why would I go there, voices? I mean, what's even in th-"
I'm sure trying to buck a neck romancer necromancer's face in can't possibly go wrong! Go find one.
"-On second thoughts, the Everfree Forest contains just about everything evil and dark. Maybe bucking necromancers in the face is my special talent!" WIth that, the Nameless Mare got up from her prone position, stretched, and scratched her ass.
"Okay, onwards to adventure." However, as she trotted out, the pink mare had finished the wedding cake. Digesting the mass of undigested cake and frosting in about a second, she spotted the Nameless Mare on her way to her destiny.
NEW PONY LOCK-ON.
SHe zoomed over, and the Nameless Mare shrunk back.
"HEY! What's your name?"
The Nameless Mare's eyes shrunk to pinpricks.
"Uh..."
Quick, voices, what do?
Run.
She tried tu run, but a message suddenly appreared in her eyeballs.
You can't run from a trainer battle!
Thanks a lot, other mysterious unhelpful voice.
Run to hide. If hiding proves inadequate, flee and try to find a vantage point where both hiding and seeing is appropriate.
Kick her in the face.
The Nameless Mare's P.O.V suddenly goes to first person mode.
My questionable ethics and the voice agree on one thing: I do both! Spinning around, I buck her in the face with my powerful hind legs. Then, I flee like a boss. I eventually find a tree. I scamper into its leafy embrace like some sort of squirrel. The pink one seems to be confused and sad, but then another wedding cake appears and she forgets me in favour of shovelling more pastry down her black hole of a gullet. Wow, that's disgusting. Her face is like some sort of a rubber balloon.
Suddenly, she's in my face. She doesn't seem to remember and one of her eyes is derping like some sort of evil doll.
"HEY! What's your name?" Did she reset or something?
Say:
My name is Valintinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzei Kaiser the III! But they call me "Sexy" for short.
Wow, that's a long name. I clear my throat; this is going to be a big one.
"Hello. My name is Valintez Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzei Kaiser the III! But they call me "Sexy" for short." The pink mare's face twitches, and she falls to the ground. Looking into the tree, I see a purple mare staring at me.
Activate vocal cords.
"Are you willing to accept the will of our lord and saviour, The Grape?"
Huh. Well, might as well.
.Activate vocal cords. I warmed my voice up.
"Are you willing to accept the will of our lord and saviour, The Grape?" The purple one seems confused.
"What?"
I quickly leave my vantage point, scampering away from the craziness. Wow, I can barely remember my fake name now.
Suddenly, three wild foals appear! They crash into me like a fat stallion who needs the toilet. The yellow one looks at my face.
"Hey, you new around here?" Yes.
"What's your name?"
Rotorix
Uh... "Hi, I'm: 'Yoo.'"
Wow. My voices seem to have wasted all the good names on that ridiculous name beforehoof.
"Hi, I'm: 'Yoo.'" The white unicorn looks at me.
"Okay... so you're 'Yoo.' Nice to meet you, Yoo!" I notice that they lack Cutie Marks like myself.
Alright voices, what do?
Kiss her.
Are you trying to get me arrested? Alright. I lean in...
Then, the pink one appears.
Oh, you meant her? Whew. Dodged a bullet there.
I pucker up my lips and get her right in the gob! When her mouth opens in surprise, I probe my tongue into her mouth. Wow, there's like ten donuts in here. Okay, voices, I kissed the crazy pink mare. She withdraws in ecstasy. The three fillies are confused and slightly scared of me. Oh well, they would have been more scared had I actually kissed one of them.
What do?
Climb on her back, and shout "High ho Silver Away!" And pointing your hoof in the direction of Canterlot.
GENIUS!
I jump on her back and shout "High ho Silver away!" I point to Canterlot mountain and we gallop off, the foals following me out of sheer confusion.
remember your true name, oh most malleable of ponies. Realise the destiny placed before you. Find thine personality and be well of mind, heart and body.
That... sounds like good advice. Try as I might, I simply cannot remember my real name. I suppose that I left it behind with my parents. I suppose that my destiny is to be pushed around by the voices until I get my Cutie Mark. And... I suppose that I don't really have much of a personality. Maybe I'm extremely willing to take orders from anypony? In anycase, I feel my mind, heart and body get well.
You have gained Self-Enlightenment.
You have gained Feat: Spirituality.
"Yay."
The Quest for Cutie Mark.
As we trotted through the Everfree Forest, I felt as if I was approaching my destiny. Well, we are approaching a dark, scary cave. The pink mare finally snaps out of it and leaves with the foals. That was a shame; she was a good ride, and the foals were pretty interesting, with their red capes and their enthusiasm. However, I was totally lost, so I waited for commands.
enter the big, scary looking cave.
Okay.
I enter the cave and wait for more commands. Now, what do I do?
How about a cooking Cutie Mark?
You know how to make an omelette, you decide to try that.
I sighed.
"Well, first of all, I don't have any flint and tinder, and second, I don't have any eggs! Hell, I don't even have any bags! Should I get some eggs, I would try it out." I then plopped down, awaiting more commands.
Suddenly realise that your entire existence is a lie, and that you are simply a nameless pawn that is being puppeted by an author and several anonymous beings for their amusement.
My eyes shrank to pinpricks. If that was true, then the voices weren't giving me any real purposeful life! They weren't ehlping me out at all!
Break down and cry,
I collapsed on the ground, and I cried.
"MY LIFE'S A JO-HOHOKE!" I wallowed in misery and whatever ponies are supposed to wallow in.
then promptly tuck this bit of information deep within the subconscious vault of your mind where all the stuff that your mind can't handle goes. As a result, forget what you were crying about, but be left with a nagging feeling you have forgotten something horrible.
Huh. Why was I crying? I dried my tears. Still, my spine shivered, and I feel as if I've forgotten something important. Well, that's Future Me's problem. I awaited more commands from the countless voices that seemed to give me good advice.
You pull out the Almighty Ear of Corn (that was hiding behind your ear this entire time, who knew?) and ask it for enlightenment.
How did I not notice this? I pulled out the ear of corn.
"Oh great and mighty ear of corn, I beg thee for enlightenment."
"Sorry, girl, but I'm on break right now, come back in an hour."
"Oh."
Proceed to hide the corn up your ass to prevent somepony from taking it when you aren't looking.
Okay...
Well, I do have a rather loose sense of ethics, but this is a bit weird.
Gingerly, I shove the ear of corn up my ass. Still, at least it cannot be stolen by anypony. Well, as long as they don't search my ass.
What do, voices?
Continue further into the cave, ponder the universe for a moment then leave.
I trotted further into the cave, the darkness enveloping me. My hooves scraped through the dust and dead plants of ages.
What is my purpose in the universe? Is it to continue being ordered around by the voices? Will I ever get my Cutie Mark?
I thought on it further, ass firmly planted. Thus done, I turned to leave. Then, the ground collapsed beneath me.
What do I do, voices?
You can now fly without wings, I'm giving you the power!
I jump upwards, and a trail of magical sparkly magic comes out of my hooves. I shoot upwards, out of the cave.
"Whee!" This is awesome!
I eventually come out of the collapsed cave and land on the stable floor of the cave. Thus out, I decide to leave the cave before the floor collapses beneath me again.
I give you a single-use explosive bolt.
use on cave wall.
Don't worry, it just makes a really loud noise and a bit of a jostle.
"Alright, voice!" I pull out the explosive bolt and throw it at the cave wall. It explodes with, yes, only a really loud noise and a bit of a jostle, which collapsed the fragile cave.
Continue flying and search for Zap Apples.
Alright.
Mastering the strange power that let me fly, I zoomed around at top speeds, hunting for zapapples. Suddenly, I was captured in a net! I struggled futilely, but the ropes held fast.
"This the one?"
"Yes. It is The One. Bag her."
As the drugs assault my mind, I can't help but feel that this is something that has happened before.