Pootis Heavy in Equestria
Pootis Heavy in Equestria
Written by Bioboy619
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Another ordinary day at 2Fort. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the idiots were out to play. The mercenaries of the RED and BLU teams decided that they would all take a day off and act stupid for no apparent reason. Why you ask? Well, why not?
The Demomen were passed out drunk on the top of the BLU team battlements, the Snipers were humping all the walls that had sexual sprays on them, the Spies were snorting all the cocaine in the BLU base courtyard, the Soldiers were playing with boxes in the RED team intel room, the Medics were all shouting MEM! in the sewers for some reason, the Scouts were drinking all the Bonk! in BLU base, the Engineers were erecting all the sentries on the bridge, and the Pyros were making noises that no one could possibly understand wherever they went.
As for the Heavies, they took to Sandvich eating just outside the BLU base. The sounds of their “noms” could be heard no matter where you went. The RED Heavy and the BLU Heavy were competing to see who could nom the longest. Turns out, they nommed for as long as each other. So, they decided to see who could nom longer on a Dalokohs Bar instead. The same result was received.
And as the two Heavies were about to take out their Buffalo Steak Sandviches, a hideous noise came from the belly of the BLU Heavy. RED Heavy looked at his counterpart with a silly look on his face.
“What?” the RED Heavy quickly asked, wanting ever so badly to eat his steak. Just as BLU Heavy was about to answer, the sound of an unwanted shart came from his ass.
“Shit!” the BLU Heavy exclaimed, baring a smile, strangely enough.
“Haah!” shouted the RED Heavy. With another farting noise emanating from his buttocks, BLU Heavy jumped into the water below and unleashed a diabolical shit into the water. His RED counterpart looked over into the water with a derpy smile.
“I think someone soiled diaper,” RED Heavy said.
“Yes!” BLU Heavy exclaimed triumphantly. The Heavies joined in shouts of laughter. BLU Heavy floated back up to his RED friend and stood there with no regrets. The two took to their sandvich eating once again, deciding to ditch the, as they would say, “STUPID!” steaks.
However, just as the two finished nomming their tasty food things, the Heavies heard their Engineer friends talking all sorts of nonsense about sentries.
“Sentry,” BLU Engineer said.
“Alrighty then!” RED Engineer shouted. With multiple forceful clangs of his wrench, the RED hard-hatted Engi erected a level three sentry. It quickly targeted the RED Engineer’s counterpart and blew him to smithereens.
“That’s wutcha get,” he said proudly. He then proceeded to smash his skull against his sentry multiple times. Why? Because he can.
“Engineer!” RED Heavy shouted to his hard-hatted friend. The Engi looked over to the sandvich eaters.
“Wut?” Engi asked.
“Poot dispenser here!” RED Heavy exclaimed, pointing in front of him as he stood at the end of the bridge. The Engineer looked at the Heavies with a strange yet comical smile.
“Nope.” Then, the Engineer’s hardhat floated up into the air, followed by his neck stretching so that his head and the helmet could be reunited. The Heavies looked at the Engineer with the same stupid look.
“Poot dispenser here! Now!” BLU Heavy shouted. Before he knew it, he was blown up into a dozen chunky and bloody pieces. RED Heavy watched as the blood flew through the air, and then looked back to his Engineer friend.
Heavy proceeded to bend on his knees and held up his sandvich to Engineer as if it were an offering. Well, that’s because it was an offering.
“Dispenser for sandvich!”
“WWWWAAAAAHHHHHEEEEEEEYHAW!” exclaimed the happy Engineer. “Erectin’ a dispenser!” And in moments, Heavy’s wish came true. There, in front of him, was a beautiful level three dispenser. Engineer took the sandvich and ran off, making happy noises as he went into the RED base.
“Pootis!” Heavy found himself saying excitedly, picking up his new dispenser friend and jumping up to the RED team battlements. Heavy pushed aside the Snipers that had made their way to the battlements as well, knocking them to the floor with the dispenser.
“Argh… piss!” RED Sniper stated simply.
Entering the RED base courtyard, Heavy propped up his dispenser and sat next to it.
“Poot. Poot. Poot.” Heavy was in a moment of pure bliss. His blissful bliss was unblissfully in interrupted by the unblissful, cocaine filled Spies. They entered the courtyard, snorting up a storm.
“Aw. Dispenser,” said RED Spy.
“Yes,” responded the Heavy.
“Here,” said BLU Spy, holding out a watermelon. “Melon!”
“No!” exclaimed Heavy. He sat in front of his dispenser. “Pootis.” The Spies looked at each other with goofy looks on their faces. They brought their cigarettes together with a sizzle and looked back to Heavy.
“What?” asked Heavy. The Spies pulled out their mystical red button things, extended the antennas on top, and pushed the buttons.
“Kaboom!” shouted one of the Demomen from the BLU battlements. His timing was perfect, as the dispenser exploded into pieces. Heavy stared at it with a blank expression.
“Kaboom indeed,” said RED Spy, snorting in tandem with his equally jacked up friend. Heavy then looked at them in anger.
“Pootis!” Heavy exclaimed, his voice suddenly sounding more deep and evil. The Spies were suddenly balled up into tiny pieces of meat. And just as quickly, they became a dispenser.
“AAAHHHAAA!” Heavy laughed triumphantly. But suddenly, a strange noise came from his dispenser.
“Poot?” questioned the Heavy. He was then surprisingly sucked into his dispenser without as much as a little warning. And just like the Heavy, the dispenser was sucked in too. All that remained was nothingness. And, somehow knowing that this nonsense had happened, RED Medic arrived at the scene in no time.
“MEM!” he shouted. His BLU friend followed behind.
“MEM,” he said, greeting his RED companion.
“MEM!”
“MEM!”
“MEEEEEM!” RED Demo shouted from BLU base.
In the magical land of Equestria!
“Spike, did you get those books as I asked you about?” Twilight Sparkle asked her faithful dragon assistant.
“Yep, I’ve got em right here,” answered Spike, presenting the stack of books to the purple-coated mare. Twilight lifted the books with her magic and began to read the first book. Twilight let out a relaxed sigh as she began to lose herself in the wonders of science.
“Nothing like a good book to start the day, huh Spike?”
“Eh, I guess if you’re into that kind of thing.” Twilight rolled her eyes and continued reading. Suddenly, loud knocking came from the door. Applejack came bursting through the door.
“Twilight! Ya gotta come quickly! Somethin jus landed in the fields of the farm, an I don’t know what in the hay it is!” Applejack said, her face filled with worry.
“I guess my studies will have to wait. Come on Spike!” Twilight said. Spike jumped on her back, and they headed to Sweet Apple Acres.
“Hey girls! Hey Spike! Wutcha doin?! Oooohhh, are you guys having a race?! I’m great at racing!” Pinkie Pie said suddenly as she joined her friends in running, although she took to hopping rather than running.
“Applejack says that something dropped in on the farm. We’re going to check it out,” Spike told her.
“Ooooohhh, sounds fun! Can I come?!”
“Uh, I guess so,” Twilight answered.
“Cool!” Pinkie exclaimed, as she hopped along with her friends. The antics of the girls caught the attention of Rainbow Dash as well, who had been flying through the skies of Ponyville just moments ago. She quickly tagged onto the group. And, as you expected, Rarity and Fluttershy worked their way in there too. Don’t ask how, just go along with it.
Arriving at Sweet Apple Acres, the girls were greeted by a strange sight. Nopony knew what to make of it. It was a strange bipedal creature, judging by the two legs sticking out of the ground. It seemed to have two arms as well, and strange appendages at the ends. The group assumed that its head was stuck underground. It only said one thing.
“Poot! Poot!” it shouted.
“W-What is it?” Fluttershy asked shakily, hiding behind Rarity.
“Whatever it is, it’s repulsive. Twilight, be a dear and get rid of it for us,” Rarity nagged.
“Why me?” Twilight asked.
“Cause yer the pony with the magic an stuff. So, do yer thing,” Applejack said, shoving Twilight forward.
“Don’t worry Twi. We’ll be back here. You know, behind this tree that we just moved to,” Rainbow Dash shouted. Twilight turned around to see her friends now hiding behind a tree. Twilight’s face wore an agitated expression, but she turned back to the strange creature and began to use her magic to pull it out of the ground.
With a forceful tug, Twilight yanked the creature out of the ground. It continued to shout that one word.
“Poot! Poot! Poot!”
“Poot?” Twilight said confusedly.
“Poot dispenser here!” it said, making a full sentence.
“What’s a dispenser?” Twilight asked. Suddenly, next to the creature fell to the ground a strange device with blinking things and a screen that was lit up with a meter and other stuff.
“EEEYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYY!” exclaimed the biped. Twilight put the creature down and it poofed over to the machine. It started to hug the strange contraption.
“My dispenser!”
“What the horse feathers is that thing?” Rainbow asked.
“What’s that thing it’s hugging?” Spike asked.
“It’s pretty! Can we have one?!” Pinkie asked.
“No!” shouted the creature. The girls and Spike all jumped back in fear as it shouted.
“Um, who, or what is that thing?” Applejack asked. The creature stopped hugging the dispenser and stood on the ground like a stone. It lifted its arm up and seemed to point at itself with one of the extensions coming from the limb.
“I am Heavy Weapons Guy. And this,” Heavy began, patting his dispenser, “is my dispenser.” He looked sharply at each and every pony (and dragon) in his presence. “It costs four hundred thousand dollars.”
“What’s a dollar?” Twilight asked. Without replying, Heavy sat down in front of the dispenser and continued to utter that strange word.
“Poot. Poot. Poot.” And then, Heavy started to change things up a bit. He added two more letters at the end of his words. “Pootis. Poot. Pootis. Pootis. Poot.” The ponies and dragon were all confused beyond belief.
“Well, what should we do with it?” Fluttershy asked.
“You, baby!” Heavy shouted, pointing at Fluttershy. She yelped and cowardly hid behind Rainbow Dash. “Help me kill little coward Spy!”
“A spy you say? You know, I’m actually well known as an undercover spy now and again,” Pinkie said.
“I kill Spy!” Heavy shouted, jumping over Pinkie with a silly look on his face. She side stepped and let Heavy fall to the floor. Heavy looked up with a contorted face.
“I’m not a spy now silly,” Pinkie told him. Heavy smiled goofily at the pretty pony in front of him and patted her head and mane.
“Pony is friend! Friend help Heavy kill Spy!” What confused the girls very much was how the Heavy’s mouth didn’t always match up with what he was saying. It was like someone had messed with his face in a way that he would just move his mouth up and down and words would just come out. But, that didn’t stop Heavy from speaking.
“What in the wide, wide world of Equestria is he talking about?” Rarity asked.
“Spy is not friend!” Heavy returned to hugging his dispenser, kissing it strangely and uttering his favorite words again.
“Pootis. Poot. Poot. Pootis.” Heavy looked at the ponies and Spike and lifted his arm and pointed to the sky.
“I was stupid!” Heavy shouted, pointing to the dispenser and making a silly kissy face. “Spy is dispenser.” Heavy started poking the machine. “Come out little Spy. Dis is my dispenser!” Heavy pointed to the sky again. “This is my pootis!”
Nopony knew what was going on, so, keeping in with the continuity of the current events of this story, they all just went along with it. Spike flipped upside down and started to walk on air without question. Fluttershy pulled out a random beaver and started poking its teeth. Rarity poofed up some beautiful dresses and started to rip them apart.
Rainbow Dash took to flying in circles for minutes without end. Applejack started yodeling and played a completely out-of-tune violin. Pinkie Pie, who was already random enough, started shaking violently around the place. As if on cue, shit started falling from the sky. Literally, shit. Twilight quickly pulled out an umbrella made of cupcakes to shield herself.
All the while, the ponies and Spike wore strange and funny grins and faces. Along with that nonsense, they made strange noises and sounds. The most common sounds were farting noises and burps.
“Beeeeesstt daaaayyyy eeevvveeeerrr!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she shook around.
With the entire group going about with their chaotic banter, the Heavy smiled happily at the funniness that was taking place. It seemed that his blissful state from before was blissfully returning to him. So, blissfully, Heavy looked up into the sky.
“Shit!” he shouted, receiving a face full of the shit. Oh, ha! See what I did there!
But, as the madness continued to ensue, Heavy began to realize something. He wasn’t saying pootis or poot.
“Pootis. Poot. Pootis. Poot. Pootis. Poot.”
Within a matter of minutes, the small vicinity that the group covered was covered in crap. Oddly enough, it didn’t smell. But, without a doubt, it was shit. There was no denying it. They could tell by the smell…
“Wait!” Heavy said quickly, stopping all of the madness by putting his hand up. On cue, everything went back to normal.
“That was weird,” Spike said plainly.
“What just happened?” Twilight asked.
“Who cares?! That was hysterical!” Pinkie shouted. Heavy went up to Pinkie and put his arm around her. He put a finger to her lips and shushed her.
“Shush.” Moving back to his previous position next to his dispenser, Heavy began to lecture the ponies and Spike about the true meaning of life. They all sat in desks that somehow popped up out of nowhere. Heavy was now dressed in a suit and tie, and he held a pointer stick thingy and pointed it to his dispenser.
“Dispenser,” Heavy began. He held his hand up to the sky, which made the ponies look up. “Entire world is dispenser.”
Now, seriously, just think about that for a moment. Entire world is dispenser. In a way, that is some true shit that the Heavy just laid down. I mean, when you think about it, the world is kind of like a dispenser. It produces healing stuff for us and provides us with ammo, such as food and water and AIDS. Like, if we didn’t have our planet sized dispenser, we’d all be floating in space, like that movie Gravity. We’d all die a painful death because of asteroids. Or was that something else… oh well, I guess I’ll never know. Anyway, back to the random story that you’re reading.
In another flash, everything was back to normal again. Heavy was dressed in his former attire while the ponies and Spike stared at him in pure confusion.
“G-Girls. I-I’m scared,” Fluttershy said shakily.
“Fluttershy!” Heavy shouted, somehow knowing her name now. She yelped again and tried to hide behind Applejack, but she suddenly found Heavy behind her. She awaited her doom. But, what she received was a warm hug.
“I love you!” Heavy exclaimed, holding her gently in his strong arms and petting her pink mane ever so softly. Fluttershy didn’t know what to do, so she did the obvious.
“I love you too Heavy Weapons Guy,” Fluttershy said, bringing her lips to his. And before anypony knew it, Heavy and Fluttershy were making out on the ground like there was no tomorrow. Fluttershy slipped her tongue into Heavy’s mouth, and Heavy began to rub her wings. Fluttershy let out soft moans of joy as the rest of the group watched in amazement. The ponies and Spike cheered on at the scene before them, although they weren't sure why.
Before anything else could happen, everything went back to normal. Fluttershy was in complete and utter shock. Her cheeks were as red as her own blood. She was shaking beyond her own control.
“G-Girls…” she said shakily.
“Uh… yeah… let’s promise never to talk about that again,” Spike said.
“Agreed,” everypony said in tandem.
“Pootis,” said Heavy as he stood next to his dispenser with another comical look on his face. “Poot poot poot, poot poot poot, jingle all the poot!” Heavy began singing.
Before anymore chaos commenced, Discord himself just popped up. He can do that, so why not?
“Hold on there everypony! I just noticed you were all causing some sweet delicious chaos! And you didn’t think I would like to join in? For shame,” Discord said.
“You, stupid! Get on point!” Heavy yelled at Discord. Suddenly, a large metal disk appeared beneath the draconequus. It flashed red, signifying victory. “Yay!” Heavy shouted as he began to flail his arms and legs wildly. Discord was now confused just like the ponies and Spike.
“I’m sorry, but I thought I was the master of chaos?” Discord said. He then found the Heavy on his back. Discord looked quizzically at the fat man now on his back. Heavy poked Discord’s face and looked at him with silly eyes.
“Pootis.” And just like that, Discord died. What, you thought I was joking when I said in the story description that Discord died? No fucking way man, I was serious! That’ll teach you to fuck with what I say!
“Pootis. Pootis. Pootis pootis poot!” Heavy said to his own little beat.
With the boundary between sanity and insanity slowing thinning away, Twilight tried making Heavy go away. She didn’t do it creatively, she just told him to go away.
“Poot teleport here,” Heavy said, pointing at the ground. Nothing happened.
“I don’t know what that means, but Mr. Heavy, you really must leave now. You’ve caused even more damage than Discord ever could have,” Twilight said sternly.
“Actually Twilight, Discord’s done lots worse. Well, except for the chocolate milk rain and cotton candy clouds. Those were awesome!” Pinkie said. And then, she was smacked in the face by one such cloud by Heavy. “Hooray!” she squeeled.
“Pootis!” Heavy shouted once again.
“Gah! I can’t take it! If I hear that word one more time, I think I’m gonna explode!” Rainbow Dash shouted.
“Pootis.” And then she didn’t explode. Lol, my Roflcopter goes SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI!
“Ah don’t know what in Equestria is goin on, but we gotta put a cranberry juice,” Applejack said.
“I know what you mean shnipzacor,” Spike said.
“Ooooohhh, I wanna talk funny afhsdfod;igh8349y3rqlhg4tp9husi,” Pinkie added. “Woohoo! It works!”
“Um, girls, why are we talking in everything is awesome?” Fluttershy said.
“Pootis!” Heavy exclaimed once again.
“Enough!” Twilight shouted, her voice emanating an all new level of volume. Heavy smiled sexually at Twilight for some reason that I don’t want to write down.
“I think someone needs sandvich!” Heavy said, holding out his hand. He looked and saw no sandvich. “What?!” Heavy asked fearfully, smacking his hand against his face. “Where is sandvich?! Ooooohhh nooooooo!” Heavy fell to his knees and cried out to the sky.
“What’s a… sandvich?” Spike asked.
“I think he means to say sandwich… oh, what the heck does that matter?!” Twilight said angrily. “We have to get rid of him, now!” So, to do this, Twilight grabbed the Elements of Harmony with her Mr. Fantastic powers of stretching her limbs. She slapped each Element to its rightful owner and they did their magic show.
“Pootis?” Heavy asked. The magic seemed to just tap him and make a fart noise. The ponies growled in frustration.
“I have other idea!” Heavy said, smiling confidently and pointing to the sky once again. He lifted his dispenser and dropped it on himself. And just like that, Heavy was teleported home.
“Really?” Twilight asked.
“Aw, bummer. I really liked that guy,” Pinkie Pie said.
Back at the awesome place known as 2Fort!
Heavy fell down in the RED base courtyard, landing with a thud on his firm and strong ass. His dispenser fell next to him, which led him to hug it. Heavy was then greeted by his loving RED Medic.
“Heavy! MEM!” Medic shouted.
“Doctor!” Heavy shouted back. The two quickly hugged each other. “Time to kill cowards!”
“Schnell!” Heavy got to his feet and saw the rest of his team surrounding him. Heavy then pulled out his minigun Sasha.
“EEEEYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” Heavy shouted in warlike fashion. His fellow teammates pulled out their weapons and shouted to the sky.
And so continues the Vicious Cycle of 2Fort.
But what happened to the Spies, I bet you’re wondering. Well, let’s put it this way children. Who honestly gives a fuck?
Pootis
Author's Note
What have I done?! What is my life?!
I just decided to write this for no apparent reason. Obviously, I completely destroyed logic with this little abomination. But, without a doubt, I had so much fun writing this. I hope you all enjoyed this little adventure down Pootis Lane.
Fucking Pootis Motherfuckers!
