Your human and you - Gryphon half a chance

The collar was tight around my neck. It smelled like it was new leather, solid and aromatic, and it was stiff like iron. It had become a familiar, almost comforting sensation over the last few days. The few times it had been removed - to be adjusted, whilst I was being hosed down, or otherwise inspected - had begun to feel more strange than the endless hours with its presence.

I shifted in my crate as the journey continued. It was cramped, dark and fetid, but then that had been pretty much the status quo ever since I'd appeared here in this place. One minute I'd been walking down the thoroughfare, the next I was stumnling around in an endless desert - that had been my introduction. Stupidly enough I'd pulled off most of my clothes to get out of the heat the first day, had almost frozen the subsequent night, and by the middle of the next day, with no water, I'd been half naked and almost dead.

And then the ponies had found me. Small, pastel-coloured ponies. Small, pastel-coloured ponies that could talk.

That had to be part of the hallucination, right?

At first I'd been glad to get out of the sun - albeit that I'd been delirious, thinking the box was some sort of deluxe sauna and spa - but then hours later, after realizing that I'd just been thrown unceremoniously into a box which was neither well ventilated nor all that cool, and after being rudely awoken by a bucket of not-really-that-clean hopefully-water, I began to take real stock of where I was: stuck in the middle of a wagon train seemingly straight out of old westerns, right down to the canvas-covered wagons, inside a crate stacked amongst a series of similar crates, all with at least one human-like creature in them.

The odd thing was, none of the humans could talk… and that wasn't all: with my throat too parched to even attempt speech, I hadn't realized at first that I couldn't either. It had only been after being stiffly reprimanded by application of a long, thin whip to my butt, when I'd tried to almost drown myself with water - too much water after dehydration is almost as bad as too little - that I'd discovered that something, some force, was mangling any attempts at conversation.

All I could manage were 'ooks' and 'eeks' at best, grunts and other bestial snarls at worst. None had engendered either sympathy or interest in any quadrapedal or bipedal bystander, and after the regrettably quick pit-stop at some remote oasis, I'd been left to experiment with the full extent of my muteness. There wasn't much else to do in that cage.

I could harrumph, click my tongue or cheek, whistle, and do a number of other less useful noises, but not speak. The second I tried, it just came out as babbling and growls. I could, however, hum. This had caused a few angry bellows and hammerings on the metallic supports of the wagon, and after seeing a human beaten to death by my captors and then left in the desert for fighting back, I wasn't about to push my luck.

I took to humming quietly to pass the time, there wasn't much else to do. At least not in public.

.oOo.

I got up to somewhere above nine thousand bottles of beer on the wall when the two slavers - they may have been pony-shaped, but they were still slavers - called a halt and the canvas covers of the wagon-train were removed.

Harsh sunlight streamed down through the copious airholes, half blinding me, and I found myself moaning in concert with a good hundred other humans. At least… they looked like humans, kind of, though I was beginning to have my suspicions.

It was when the boxes started lifting into the air all by themselves, accompanied by multi-hued glows of light, that I knew something truly strange was going on. As if the intelligent pastel miniature ponies weren't enough.

...Give me a break, I was suffering heat stroke and exhaustion. Clearly.

From there it was a simple case of being hauled out, hauled to my feet by the same magical force that had moved and then unlocked and opened my cage, and attached by chains to a long, hefty wooden pole along with a number of other humans.

At least one human started hissing, spitting, growling and swiping once we were free of the cages. He was swiftly put down by one of the chain gang bosses - I hoped not permanently, but he certainly didn't get up again after being zapped - and then removed from the group. After that, the whips cracked and we started moving.

Our destination was a square amidst a number of dull, sandy buildings, with a largish wooden stage set in the middle. Steps at both ends made climbing up and down relatively simple, and two wooden stakes with sturdy looking metal rings at the top and bottom were obviously for showing off the more rowdy individuals, of which there were plenty fenced off in an area adjacent to my own.

For my part, I had been thrown into the middle of what looked to be a male-only corral sunk several feet into the hard-packed clay ground. Eyeing the smooth walls that had short but sturdy fences around the perimeter, I decided that escape wasn't really going to be a thing. At least not unless I could persuade the guarding ponies - they appeared to be tiny little unicorns; their ability with magic confirmed it, amazingly enough - to look the other way whilst I clambered on another human or otherwise managed some sort of extreme parkour maneuver and hoisted myself out.

Any nascent plans didn't matter anyway, as I found myself soon enough hefted into the air by the same magical telekinetic force that had confounded me earlier and floated towards the stage. Dropped unceremoniously at the steps, with the last shreds of my clothing ripped away leaving me wearing nothing but my birthday suit and the collar, I was prodded to get up on stage.

Reluctantly, I ascended. Thinking furiously, I tried to speak to the assorted ponies, dragons, gryphons and other bipedal, quadrapedal and even hexapedal characters which milled about.

"Marrwrrrgrrrmrrrggrrllbbrrrgg!" I babbled.

Well shit.

Then I tried clicking my tongue. Nobody apparently matched the clicks and clocks to S-O-S.

Damn. Nothing.

Then I tried humming - god save the queen sounded rather quietly from my nasal cavity, which only got amused glances from various members of the crowd.

Things weren't going so well. Well, at least they can hardly get any worse, I told myself. To my credit, it took me less than a minute before I realized quite how tempting to Fate that must have been.

A gryphon stepped forwards; his eagle-like upper body plumage was a royal red, and his leonine rear half was a dark, glossy sable. "One thousand bits for this… musical fellow!" he exclaimed, in perfect English. I wasn't quite sure how I was understanding this all if they couldn't be made to understand me, but that didn't change the fact that I could. "I shall have him for my daughter, Princess Gilda Annabella."

Looking at each other, licking their lips as if to silently ask whether they could perhaps bilk a few more numbers atop the zeroes in that sum, two of the slaver ponies cleared their throats at almost the same time.

"We, ah, regret to inform you--" began one, a jet black, muscle-bound pegasus pony.

"Don't, Tar, just don't," said the gryphon, sighing. "You have brought this human before us, you intend to sell him. I have offered more than a fair sum. And if you get your accomplices in the crowd to bid against me I shall have your ears." The gryphon fluffed up his neck feathers and lashed his tail angrily. He looked up into my eyes, narrowing them for a moment, then looked back to the pony.

The first slaver pony - apparently called Tar-something, probably after his jet black colouring - gulped, loudly, fluttering his wings. "Y-yes, sir, Lord Abraxis, sir. B-but we m-must caution you, he is a male--"

"I am aware of his sex, Tar. I have purchased several males from you before." Abraxis' tone was withering.

"A-and if he is for you d-daughter then--"

"Oh look at him, he's a charming young fellow. I think I can tell--"

It was now, I must sadly add, that I made a simple mistake. You see, I didn't intend to let myself be purchased. I am forced to admit that I snapped my teeth at him.

"A-and w-we would be r-remiss in our duty i-if w-we didn't--" Tar was already saying, when the audible snap! of my jaw coming together rebounded across the square, and the sun glinted off my canines.

The silence, as they say, was deafening.

Abraxis' neck feathers momentarily fluffed up, then smoothed themselves down again. "Hmm. Yes, I see. Have him gelded at once. That should make his temper more agreeable. Female humans react badly to other females at times, a gelding will be that much more docile for my princess."

Ohhhh fuck.

I did the only thing I could think of. I bolted.

Unfortunately, they were more than ready. Moments later - before my feet so much as hit the ground from the savage leap off the stage - twin telekinesis fields formed around my body and lifted me high into the air, where I hovered, helpless, as I tumbled end over end. I quite nearly assaulted the crowd with bodily waste when a large pair of what looked to all the world like garden shears were produced from somewhere.

I may have started bawling. I am not proud.

"You blithering idiots," hissed Abraxis, swatting away the tool contemptuously. "Do you want him to be scarred for life? And I don't mean physically! I don't care how good your healing arts are, any animal treated like that is going to be scared, vicious and extremely untrusting after you're done with him."

Phew. This was sounding better all the time. Listen to the fellow, he knows what he's--

"No, I shall show you how it is done, and in the future you will use my methods. I cannot believe you have been so barbaric for so long… shameful!"

He's a nutcase! A looney! Don't listen to him!

I kicked my legs, whirled my arms, clawed my fists… but nothing helped. Dipping a claw into a medicine pouch of some sort on a utility sash placed around his neck, Abraxis then jabbed a talon into my thigh. I hissed in pain… and then very rapidly found myself relaxing as a pleasant warmth filled my body.

Oh, look at that… the blood from my leg just floats all around like a big balloon… how silly! What was I worried about a minute ago? Oh, I'm sure it doesn't matter...

I giggled. Abraxis patted my head with a talon, fondly.

"See? I can supply you with some of this potion, for a low price." The gryphon's eyes sparkled with glee as he spoke. "It works wonders on the livestock. It's a very powerful analgesic. Mixed carefully, it merely dulls pain. Applied liberally as a paste, it can completely remove sensation for longer periods of time. Mixed and dosed incorrectly, however, and it can cause your humans to be irritable for up to seven days afterwards."

Oh, so he was giving me magical cocaine? Well sign me up, if it felt this good and all I got was a bit grumbly afterwards, what was the harm?

Gently, Abraxis pushed my body to the ground from where I'd been pinwheeling and enjoying the sights. "Hold him fast, now. See here? Pinch above the testicles, draw them down nice and tight."

I squirmed. I could kind of feel what he was doing, but for some reason it all seemed rather silly. They were touching me in my no-no place. I giggled again. No-no place felt good.

"Then, once you have a good hold of them by the sack, make two small incisions… like this… and then just ease the testes out. See?"

I couldn't really see through his big catbird butt, but I could kind of feel how he was using his talons to expertly slice something open.

"Oh, yes, my lord!" exclaimed Tar.

"It will leave a much more aesthetically pleasing result than hacking the lot off like some savage." Abraxis kept up the monologue as he worked with his claws and talons. Two swift jerks later, and he held two small, pinkish fleshy orbs before the slaver ponies and the startled crowd. "Like this, they are suitable for serving as sweetbreads should your clientele so desire it. And the required healing is merely a matter of sterilization and a few days of careful cleaning." He tossed the two spherical objects into his beak and chewed them thoughtfully for a few seconds before swallowing, making smacking sounds with his tongue. "Mm, they are best when fresh."

Picking out a small bottle from his belt of interesting items, the gryphon doused both his claws and my now somewhat bloody yet deflated private parts in what felt like alcohol. He then wiped his claws together and stretched, returning to all fours. "If you wish, you can trim the scrotum - they make good coin purses - or you can merely leave the wounds to drain, or stitch as you see necessary. I know some of you ponies prefer a human that doesn't have such visible genitalia, but be aware: if you remove the penis too he'll not remain house-trained. Get him up, now."

I giggled again as Abraxis took a few steps back, releasing his grip. A coin purse. My sack was going to be heavy with coin. I felt, I reasoned, very light headed. And light of step. Staggering, I almost fell, but swiftly felt a unicorn's light magical touch again. My center of gravity seemed off, somehow… stepping gingerly a few feet forwards, I muddled through why it felt strange. I put my hands to my crotch, they came away somewhat pinkish. I scowled as the gryphon swatted at my hands.

"No!" he said.

I blinked. I started moving my hands to my crotch again. He swatted me again.

"No! Bad… human!" Turning to the slavers, he chuckled. "They do have to be watched if you're not going to seal the wound magically. They can do themselves a mischief, the poor things. It takes them a while to calm down once they've been fixed, but all in all I find the results far more pleasing with proper surgery. See? He's already a lot happier, aren't you? Hmm?"

I cocked my head at the gryphon as he starting warbling my way. I giggled, and warbled back tonelessly. "If you'd taken your shears to him, he'd be shaking, screaming and wailing in a corner somewhere. Isn't that right, boy, hmm?"

He nodded his head. I nodded mine. I warbled again. A swift swipe at my hands stopped them roving. Then, ever so slowly, the world tipped upwards and went black.

"Oh dear. Tar, Sandy - one of you - bring him to my carriage. I won't be requiring a cage. The ones you have are filthy anyway. Ladies and gentlecolts," the gryphon said, turning to the crowd, "I bid you adieu. Happy bidding, and remember, make sure your humans are spayed or neutered unless you want them breeding. Ask for my personal vet if you don't want these… gentlecolts to do the job."

The crowd roared in laughter as Tar and Sandy blushed, then the latter of the two exerted his telekinetic field around my prone body again, and trudged after Lord Abraxis.

.oOo.

Ow. Ow, ow, ow.

Dimly, painfully, reality reasserted itself. And by reality, I meant the twisted, bizarro world of ponies, gryphons, dragons and unnecessary medical procedures in which I'd found myself for the last few days.

I closed my eyes, curled up and planted my face into the floor of the coach I was riding in. On any other day, I'd have been yelling, "No, no, no, no, no!" As it was, I was grumbling, growling and grunting.

A gentle claw patted me on the back. "It's okay, boy, you'll be fine. You'll feel much better in a few days."

I wasn't so sure. I rolled over, feeling mighty sick, and peered down at myself; they were gone! snacked upon! I didn't have the balls for it. I'd never grow a pair. They weren't made of… wait, this world probably did implants, but actually getting brass ones sounded like a bad idea.

...and the magical medicine was wearing off. And I was feeling… rather bad. Really rather bad, actually. Rather… oh goodness…

I scrabbled weakly at the window of the carriage, heaving, and Abraxis only just managed to call a halt before unceremoniously opening the door and all but throwing me out as I threw up.

I lay there, shivering, as nothing but yellow bile painted the dusty, windswept scrub and Abraxis stood above me, staring down coldly.

From one previously apex predator to another, I can assure you, a gryphon standing over you when you've just thrown up, have just spent the best part of a week being dehydrated and starved, and not to mention you've just been fixed is enough to break the strongest alpha male.

...which I think we've already established I wasn't. Not any more, at least.

I started to cry.

"Oh… bother. There… there, human." Abraxis patted me gently again, before calling for an attendant to clean me up some and fetch a bowl of water. I hiccuped as I snatched a drink, still fearful of his countenance, but more confused than ever. He was being… kind.

As I hiccoughed, I dropped the bowl on the floor. Abraxis snorted. "Accident prone little devil, aren't you?" He blinked. "Accident? Hmm. Accidental." He turned to me, and lifted my chin up carefully with a claw. "I think that's your new name. Dent. As in accident. As in accidental - I heard you humming."

Accidental? Was that some sort of musical thing? I blinked. He was naming me after a musical pun? Shouldn't my name be… Killer, or Fang, or Captain or something more heroic and masculine than that?

"Yes, Dent it is. Come on. If you're feeling better, Dent, then let's move on. But do tell me if you're feeling sick again, hmm?"

Bugger.