Your human and you - Gryphon half a chance

Your Human And You

Gryphon Half A Chance

Ch. 10

Have you ever gone from zero to firing on all six cylinders in a single moment? This was kind of like that. All of a sudden, and the world was just turned back on, like a lightswitch.

I sat bolt upright, rigid with anticipation of a zap that had been and gone some hours ago, by all accounts, before slumping slowly. "She fuckin' tazed me!?" I complained aloud, or rather tried to. It came out as a mixture of screeches and spitting growls.

I remained sitting up in the bed, where I'd woken a few scant seconds ago, blinking as the world swam into focus. The bed was in a tent. The entire bed and all of its coverings were white, it was utilitarian, comfortable and warm. The tent, too, was white. Only the floor was still green, though covered in something that looked like thick, heavy-duty carpets making walkways through what would have otherwise been mud by now, I guessed.

As I turned my head, I found myself surrounded by a collection of Equestrian fruits, chocolates and other gifts. And what looked like a card signed, in very wobbly mouthwriting, Fern.

I laid back, thoughtfully. Fern. She was the reason I was here. She made it, then.

Weird machines stood around the bed, most of them went beep or ding or otherwise whooshed, clicked and ticked.

Pulling out what looked like a pretty standard needle hooked up to what to all intents and purposes looked like a normal saline drip, I quickly removed the last of the apparatus hooked up to my body before swinging my legs around.

As I moved, I realized something felt weird.

Apparently even in Equestria, there's only one really useful way of dealing with an unconscious patient's bodily functions. I could feel the equestrian diaper's warm, sodden mass between my legs, bunched up around my buttcheeks and swaddling my crotch. It was an unwelcome, uncomfortable reminder of my station… or maybe that was unfair, they probably had exactly the same things for ponies.

Idly, I wondered how that would work. Would they have special holes for the tails? Would they need to sling further forwards for the stallions? How absorbent would they have to be!? Crikey! These ponies were smaller than Terran horses, but they could still pee like, well, racehorses. I bet the diapers here were fantastically absorbent.

Oh… oh no. Maybe they were magically absorbent? It might be days before I got a change. Ugh!

I jumped off the bed, stood, then almost fell as a wave of nausea and vertigo swept through me. Too bad the thumping in my head was quickly drowned out by the unified complaints of every single piece of magical technological hardware in the tri-state area.

"Augh! Huargh! Aargh!" I grumbled, batting ineffectually at them all, trying to find an off switch.

"Quickly!" came a cry, as three ponies tumbled into the structure. "Turn them all off, get him restrained, those are expensive. Calm him down! Give him something to eat, he's probably just hungry!"

Ah yes, little miss happy-tazey. I pointed a finger at Tin and growled.

"On second thought," said Tin, "sedate him."

Oh shi—

For some reason, I felt a lot better about everything this time. Well, everything except what I was still wearing. Moving to get up again, I realized all four limbs were tied down, and that try as I might, I couldn't bend enough to even think of biting at the straps. I struggled weakly trying to get myself free, but to no avail. Thrashing, I did manage to reveal that both my diaper and my body restraints were the same kind of magically reinforced and operated deal as my collar. No luck there, then.

To think, I thought grimly, some people would pay a lot of good money for something like this…

"The subject is awake," whispered Tin, as she slipped in the flap-door, hoping I hadn't seen her. "Shows some minor signs of distress, but is otherwise normal. Body temperature normal — for this subspecies — and blood work is clean. Subject 'Dent' does indeed appear to be immune to blackvine infection. Presence of infection rapidly dropped in the first few hours, plateauing only at unmeasurable levels."
I turned my head and looked at her, and glared.

"Dent seems aware of what has happened to him. He is not struggling overly against his restraints and seems calm. Urine tests show odd chemistry, low sugar levels as should be expected, no blood. No signs of other infections."

Hey!

"Stool samples are also…" Tin turned her head and pressed a stud set into a bridle with a hoof. I felt a strange tingle near my tailbone. "...relatively normal. No sign of blood, no sign of bacterial, viral or phagal abnormalities."

Oh… oh god. Does it even have a wetness indicator and a stay dry core on top of everything else? I bet it has hearts, moons and probably kittens, too. Kill me now. Just… just kill me.

"I am going to release the restraints on the subject, and attempt interaction. He may still bear a grudge about sedation. It appears he has associated my appearance with negative occurrences. I will see if I can rectify that."

Tin approached, slowly, then placed a hoof on a restraint, and twisted somehow. First one hand came free, then, as she replicated the maneuver, all the others. I sat up slowly, rubbing my wrists.

Then an idea came to me.

I picked up one of the restraints, then closed it around my wrist. As I thought, it kind of melted closed again, causing Tin to sigh in exasperation as she moved to open it once more.

I snorted with glee. Now all I had to do was be exceedingly charming. Time to try Toddler Dent, I thought to myself. Playful Toddler Dent. Playful, innocent, harmless Toddler Dent.

***

Five minutes later, humming to myself, I walked out of the tent, right past Chalk and Amber. I waved to them happily as I waddled nonchalantly through what had been a fairground and looked more now like a battlezone or crime scene, complete with investigators.
Chalk and Amber, for their part, took one look at each other and then, incredulously, peered inside the tent.

Upon the bed, spread eagled unceremoniously on her back, was a fuming Tin. Each hoof was restrained gently yet firmly in an unopenable set of reinforced belts, and an oversized adult equestrian diaper was inexpertly fastened around her midsection. Another diaper had been fastened — loosely but effectively — around her muzzle to prevent her shouting from being heard.

"Well this certainly makes… a change." said Amber.

"No," said Chalk, facehoofing . "Just… just don't. Get her free."

Amber took the diaper off Tin's muzzle.

"Quickly you fools! Get him! Don't worry about me!"

"You get her free," said Amber, "I'll go catch the human." He turned tail and fled the tent, with a whinny that sounded suspiciously a lot like laughter emanating from his lips as he went.

I didn't make it far, but at least I had a cushioned landing.

For the third time in what seemed as many minutes, blackness stole the world away.

***

"Rather a good jape, Dent my lad, with old Tin back there," said a voice. It was awkward, floating in nothing, not having any real way of knowing where anything was at. I thought I caught a glimpse of a top hat, a monocle and a cane. Also of feathers, scales and horns.

"Wh-who are you? What are you?" I asked, without asking.

"All good things, my friend, all good things."

"Why am I… is this real? This is real, isn't it?" I stuttered, scrabbling mentally for purchase. "Why did you let them do that to me? Why did you… you brought me here, didn't you?"

"I am sorry, friend, I don't work in rainbows and kittens. I work in japes and puzzles, in equations and butterfly wings. I work in chance. I work for The Lady. And you, my friend, do too. Now… wake up!"

"...Wake up, wake up, sleepy head. Wake… Dent! Woah, it's me, you're safe, okay?"

I opened my eyes, to see Gilda towering above me. I chirped happily, hummed a few bars of Rule Britannia, then hugged her leg.

"You feeling okay? That diaper's almost had it, so if you'll let me I'll get you out of it, okay?"

I lay back down, relaxing, as Gilda spoke softly to me. She seemed worried, and despite everything she didn't deserve my anger. Something seemed oddly familiar about this… almost as if it had happened before. Very swiftly, my nethers were once more breezy rather than warm.

"Faugh! Wow, I almost wish I'd let them deal with you, I just didn't want them tazing you again. I need your brains as unscrambled as they get, Dent, I want you home for good. Listen," Gilda said, urgently in between wipes, "I need you to behave, okay? Please? For me?"
I chirped my version of assent, looking anywhere but at her face. Not now, not like this.

Eventually, she stood back. I stood up.

"Shower now, then come with me." She pointed, I nodded, then obeyed.

The shower washed away the last of my shame and most of the fugue that still shrouded my head. Stretching languidly, I got out from under the magical little black raincloud and dried myself off. Gilda stood there watching, then threw some pants, a jacket and some sort of oddly bag-like shoes for me, before lifting my best collar up, the one she'd bought herself.

"I need you on your best behaviour, okay? No tying up the nice mare. She's not like… she won't hurt you, okay? I promise. I'll be watching the whole time."

I chirped, managing to put in a questioning note as I put on clothes for almost the first time in forever.

"We're going to go have fun, okay? Fun. Plenty of games."

I wolf-whistled, raising my eyebrows. I swear her beak blushed.

"Not that sort of games!" she hissed. I just looked at her. "Later maybe," she said, finally. "If you're good."

***

It turned out that Tin Berg had invited herself to Abraxis' estate. Apparently Celestia was no longer in the building — whether she was fleeing from or directing the search-and-destroy mission for this 'blackvine' stuff was unclear — but her royal ethologist was just dying to get a proper look at me.

I didn't like her.

On the other claw — hand, I corrected myself, I'd been around gryphons a lot — I didn't get quite the same predatory vibe as with Penny. Penny wanted me mounted — hurr hurr etc — on the wall. Tin wanted me in an itty bitty tutu doing tricks.

I grumbled as Gilda led me into one of the libraries.

"Now, now, none of that," Tin said. She stood at attention respectfully far away. She smiled, hopefully. "I won't hurt you, I promise. I just want to take a look at you, okay? Your mummy won't be far away, now, okay? She'll be, ah…"

"I'll be right upstairs, Dent, okay?" Gilda pointed at the second level of this tall, circular room lined with books. "Right upstairs. You stay here, do as Miss Tin asks, okay? Be a good boy, Dent."

To tell the truth, she didn't seem as dangerous or threatening now that I'd seen her in diapers. Very few things do, to be honest.

I stood, several feet away from her, as she slowly walked forwards and put a colourful puzzle in a frame on the table, from a trolley full of brightly coloured objects. I moved cautiously towards it. It was made up of nine hefty wooden pieces painted delicately in bright, playful paints. It showed three ponies; a foal, a stallion and a mare. The foal held a balloon.

"Subject appears to recognize the whole scene, showing three distinct pauses for each character. Let's see if he can put it back together."

Tin upended the puzzle on the table, then stepped back. I picked up a piece, sniffed it, then chewed on it methodically. Not showing a hint of exasperation, Tin put one, then two, then three of the pieces back in the frame. Gesturing, she asked me to put my piece back in. I put it right in the middle. And then I flipped all the pieces and made a cube out of six of them.

Tin didn't even blink. "Subject shows advanced knowledge of spatial relationships, appears uninterested in standard responses. Hmm. Stage two."

I sat down in a chair and crossed my arms as a roughly football-like shape was placed before me. It was made of wood painted a dark blue, with what looked like twenty faces, each bar one sporting a shape — squares, triangles, crosses and circles. Inside the ball were wooden pieces that had to be fitted through the corresponding slots.

I looked at the baby toy in wonder. It could have been purchased at almost any quality toyshop anywhere in the world on Earth, and nobody would have batted an eye. And yet here it was.

I don't know how she did it, not having fingers and all, but Tin opened the blank face and tipped out the shapes. Closing it, she put one back through before giving a shape to me.

I pointed to my mouth, then rubbed my tummy. No way was I about to play monkey without my banana. Grudgingly, a bowl of what looked like boiled sweets were placed just out of reach. I sat there, then deliberately picked my nose and flicked the result. Impassionately, she put another shape through the corresponding slot in her baby toy, then pointedly took a sweet from the bowl, and mugged enjoying it.

Oh, so that's how it is, huh?

I opened the flap, put all the shapes back in, then reached for the bowl. Muzzle open in surprise, she let me have one. I could've taken the whole bowl, but I took just one, smiling. This made her flatten her ears back in shock.

"Subject is… if I didn't know better, I'd say the subject was toying with me," Tin stated to whatever recording device she was using. I couldn't see anything, but I doubted she was talking to herself.

Lady, you have no idea…

"I think… I have to try something different. No human has ever shown any real aptitude for such a test as this, but I have a good feeling about this one."

Dropping the ball toy onto the trolley, where the pieces spilled out, Tin swapped it for a very familiar puzzle; the towers of hanoi. I had no doubt they called it something else, but I was just as sure that it worked the same. Tin put five rings on the first of three pegs. The rings were large, friendly looking pieces of brightly painted wood. Very slowly, she went through the game. She waggled a hoof as she put a larger ring on a smaller, and nodded enthusiastically as she put a smaller on top of a larger. And then she gave the puzzle to me.

First, I took all the rings off. Then, I put them all back in the right order on the last peg. She sighed, showing me again how it was supposed to work. For an answer, I moved rings about until there was just a mess, then beamed at her. She was almost put off enough by a human smiling, again, that she fell on her rump. And then, of course, I solved the entire puzzle perfectly… but upside down. Before she could react, I pulled all the rings off once more, grinning like an idiot.

She put a hoof to her forehead, sighing heavily. "Subject is… doing everything wrong. Everything. Perfectly wrong. Perfectly… wrong." She looked up. "You know what all this is, don't you?" she asked. I just continued smiling as I played with the rings again. Almost too fast for her to realize, I first solved and then un-solved the towers problem, not even bothering to ask for another reward, not even acknowledging what I'd done.

"Okay, that's it for today," Tin stated, flabbergasted. "Time to clean up."

I leaped to my feet and helpfully started putting things away. First, of course, by putting all the puzzle pieces back into the frame where they belonged, then by slotting all the loose shapes back into the baby toy ball-thing first try. I could do nothing about Tin's jaw lying on the floor, however.

"Is that it?" called Gilda from somewhere upstairs.

I chirped, and waved.

"I guess so. I don't know what to say. He failed every test… well, kind of. Nobody would believe me if I told them what I think, what I saw today."

I pretended to lose interest as Mistress fluttered down from above, wandering around the library, looking at Tin's equipment.

"Soo… is he okay? Not infected? You said he might be smart?"

"I really don't know," replied Tin. "Not infected, no. He shows signs of intelligence, but… no, it's not possible."

"What?"

"The way he looked at me, the way he… the way he didn't do the tests. It can't be, he can't be that smart."

"He, uh, failed the tests, so that makes him smart?" Gilda looked over at me. I blinked innocently, then took out a book and carefully gummed the spine before flicking through the pages. The book was upside down.

"I… uh," Tin began, as I decided to start making a pillow fort under her wheel-in serving tray. "I…"

As I clambered into my fort, I dislodged something from on top. It was a small cube featuring squares in multiple colours. I gingerly picked it up.

No way!

It was instantly recognizable to me as a toy from my youth. I owned several of them, and could solve them in about a minute. This one looked well-worn. Turning it around in my grasp, I took a look at the current layout, patterns forming in my mind. Twisting and turning the layers, I shortly had every face sporting a square of the same colour.

I looked up to find both Gilda and Tin looking at me with beak and muzzle respectively almost dislocated from how far they'd fallen.

"I've never been able to solve that," said Tin, breathlessly.

Well, shit.