Your Human And You

Gryphon Half A Chance

Ch. 9

Gilda stalked along the corridors of her family's home, grumbling to herself. I couldn't really make out the words, but then it was partly because I was struggling to keep up. A sassed gryphon is a barely contained bundle of fury and feathers that moves surprisingly quickly when it wants to.

The words from Gilda that I could make out, however, sounded a lot like variations on 'Celestia' and 'nose bigger than her horn'.

I almost ran up her butt when she stopped outside her room and announced, loudly, "I'm going out! Dent, stay!"

I wasn't having any of it today, though. With Celestia still on the grounds somewhere, I wanted to be elsewhere if Mistress wasn't there to deflect attention. Not to mention I was still more than a little paranoid about… attention from elsewhere. I slipped past her and fetched my leash from hooks on the wall then returned. I couldn't clip it to my collar so I bit the end in my teeth and held out the other end.

"No! No, Dent, you stay."

Not this time, princess, I told myself. This time, I would use my most fearsome weapon… puppydog eyes! After a few long seconds of taking in those deep pools of forever flowing sadness, she wilted.

She sighed exasperatedly and snatched the leash from me. "Fine!"

Smirking, I followed her out. She hadn't even bothered to attach it.

***

With how long I'd been in this strange world — at times it felt like mere days, others like it had been years already, funny how time flies — I didn't think I'd ever get used to seeing talking horses acting like beasts of burden. I know, weird, right? I mean here I am, talking human — almost at least — being treated like a beast, whilst admittedly not beast-of-burden creatures are… look, the talking ponies still pulled wagons. The mind boggles.

Mistress and I sat in the relatively comfy open-top wagon as the miles slid by. I had bundled myself up in furs and regretted the whole 'being naked' thing almost immediately. It wasn't cold — for some reason, out here, there was no winter. Apparently the townsfolk didn't want any of that snow truck — but it certainly was breezy. I was pretty used to things by now, but was still missing my clothes. Even though they'd been made by a rapist.

Oh damn.

Sitting in the cart was giving me time to reflect. Shit. I could feel myself starting to shake now that everything was catching up to me… I'd been raped. And then I'd tried to drown out the recollection by dumb-ass rationalizations and bestiality. Man, I was such a piece of shit…

"Oh Dent, I'm so glad you live with me," Gilda whispered, suddenly.

What?

"You know… I do get lonely sometimes. I know, I know, we're gryphons. We're supposed to be strong, powerful, independent creatures… nothing like those namby pamby ponies, right?"

I heard a soft whicker of laughter from one of the two pulling the wagon. "Don't you go thinkin' you need to be a rock, little miss," said one of the pair. "But even rocks get worn down by those walkin' on them. You just need friends, they lift you up. Like your human there; he's a real keeper. I can see it in his eyes, so deep it's like… I don't know. Let him be your herd, you know what I'm saying?"

"I think I do, Breezy," Gilda replied, sighing.

"My little girl wants a human," the pony called Breezy added, "but I just haven't found the right one. I hope I don't have to go as far as your father did to find that one."

Nothing made sense; I was a piece of shit, my made-of-iron mistress had a warm and gooey center… what next?

It turned out that 'what next' was the pony village I'd heard about from Gilda.

Well, I say 'pony village' but there seemed to be a number of gryphons, trolls I was reliably informed were called 'diamond dogs' and even what looked like stags and minotaurs around too, and all of them were hawking their wares in some sort of faire.

One minotaur was selling knitted hats. I picked one up as our party of four split down to two. I was astonished, to see such a human-looking garment on display. It had long floppy tassels on the ears. I put it on.

"Oh, Dent, put it back!" scolded Gilda. "Honestly, why did I bring you?"

I grinned at her apologetically and went to take it off, but the minotaur — an incredibly large individual that towered several feet above my head — just gently put it back on again. When the ringing in my ears had stopped, I understood that he wanted me to advertise his store.
He tied a little fetish resembling his sign to one tassle, then shooed me off. Goofily, I hugged him — carefully, he wasn't wearing much either — then sauntered off whirling the other tassle.

Gilda, behind me, put a claw to her beak and sighed, pinching the bridge of it.

Pretty soon, I learned that being a human at an open market rocked. So long as I was cute, I could get away with murder. Well, less 'murder' and more 'armfuls of free treats, food and gifts'. People — ponies, gryphons, everyone — were lining up to give me things just so long as I acted adorable on command. It was like taking candy from babies.

Don't look at me like that, I never said that I actually took candy from babies. In reality, I gave half of my growing stash away to the foals, chicks and pups that followed me around ceaselessly. I found myself swapping candies for the bows that foals put in their manes and tails, or small combs, shiny beads… I snagged a totebag from a laughing salespony into which I upended most of my stuff, not that it stayed there; I had to keep the show up, after all, so was constantly offering things to everyone.

The faire was huge, it looked like it was a real put-on deal rather than just an everyday things, not that I could be sure, even with the presence of armoured militia ponies milling about to keep the peace. Streamers and bunting hung from every available site, snatches of music floated past on the wind and everywhere I looked, people of all shapes and sizes — humans included — were enjoying themselves.

This made it all the more painful when it all went pear-shaped. Suddenly, in the midst of all the fun, there was a single shriek, which quickly turned into a concerto of screams. My head snapped around as, behind a rapidly growing stream of creatures thundering past me, I saw a strange-looking human stagger out of the nearby brush. Even in the powerful sunlight, his pale skin seemed to glow with sickly colours where pulsating veins of black and red criss-crossed his body. I thought I could even see tendrils of black emerging from very sunken eyes, and a tongue that was almost purple protruding from a slack, slathering mouth.

"Luna's moon," I heard one pony say with a sharp intake of breath, "Black Vine! Fern! Feerrrnn!"

"Save the humans! Get them back! Get everypony back!" cried another.

Black Vine? I wondered, save the humans? This sounded serious. Still, more serious than that was that a little green earthpony was currently hunched up onto her hind legs, ears splayed back, only feet from this obviously aggressive human. Nothing good could come of that, I thought to myself, as the crazed human snarled, leaped forwards, picked up the foal… and bit into her flank.

Oh shit, dawg, not on my watch.

Grimly, I put the totebag down. There's aggressive, and then there's rabid, and then… and then there was whatever this was. I leaned over and picked up a spade from a nearby stall, hefted it thoughtfully and then made my decision. Moments later, I was thundering my way towards the squealing, screaming, bleeding pony and the savage monster that was trying its best to eat her alive.

I eyed the spade in my hand, then shook my head. I was about to do the unthinkable… no, I was about to do this creature the same courtesy any good farmer would. I was going to put it down. This wasn't a human, not any more. I didn't know what was up, but the phrase 'cannibal zombie' didn't seem too far fetched, given everything else I'd had to put up with, not that the 'zombie' part needed to stick.

Despite screams behind me which moments later I realized were from an incredibly concerned Gilda, I was closing the distance between myself and what was left of the human. Something was very, very wrong with it. It looked like a bad case of raging hentai had exploded over a box of kale, which had subsequently had an illicit one-night stand with a cadaver, giving birth to an unholy mess of skin, bones, glowing tendrils and pus.

And it was eating a living foal, tearing chunks out with its teeth. With a shriek that belied belief, I saw it wrench at a leg for a bigger helping of meat.

This was going to end now.

"Rrrroaaaaarrrrggghhhhh!" I shouted as I closed the distance between us, and swung the shovel with full force. The creature looked up in surprise at my battle cry, an almost comical expression on its face, as the flat of the blade connected. The foal dropped like a sack of wet meat, mewling pitifully, as the body of the human somersaulted around my makeshift weapon.

Breathing heavily, I spat at the twitching mess, then turned to the foal. She was hurt badly, but alive — for now. I mumbled to her as best I could, wishing that just for one moment more my ability to speak would return. I looked up as I heard tentative, heavy hoofsteps clip-clop towards us.

"Do you… think he's been bit?" asked an armoured militia pony.

"Chalk, we're gonna have to know real soon now…" replied the other. "Did you find us a vet? And the rest of the town guards? And are there more infected? Troll's teeth, it's blackvine! There's never just the one! Never! Where's it coming from?"

"I dunno Amber, but better safe than sorry… better to put him down now rather than watch him turn into one of… oh Luna's left nipple ring!"

The thoughts that ran through my head were swift and sparkling in their intensity. Put me down? What? Wait… they're not just upset about me, but about—

I turned, picked up the shovel and stood in one smooth move as what I thought had been a cadaver got up off the freaking floor. Its neck was broken in several places, most of its teeth were decorating the fairground, and the less said about its nose, the better… and it was still fucking moving!

Only one thing to do.

CLONG!

I hit it in the face again, and watched it go down.

CLANG! SPRONG! THUNK! THWACK!

"Don't just stand there you idiots, put it down! Hit it again! Make sure it's—" a voice rang out. I was only to happy to oblige; whatever this was, alive was something it wasn't.

I hit it. I hit it and hit it and hit it and hit it until it stopped moving. And then, carefully putting the blade at shoulder level, I stomped on the shovel with all my might until I heard something crack and split like an overripe melon. And then I fell back, weeping, curling myself into a tight ball of despair, wailing into the ether.

Dimly, I began to be aware of voices.

"I think he's okay. Please, please… please, I think he's okay!" That was Gilda.

"Miss, we should be—" began one of the two guardsponies, Chalk or Amber, I wasn't sure which. I didn't care which.

"Step aside, gentleponies," said a new, prim voice. "I am Celestia's royal ethologist, here on business. I have great experience with not only humans, but the worst effects of Blackvine Infection. I can tell you right now, without the shadow of a doubt, that this human is not infected. He does, however, need medical attention. You, go make sure that little filly is okay, and you — keep everypony back please. At once."

There were murmurs of assent, and then I heard one of the two guardsponies barking orders. And then there was silence, but only for a moment.

"It's him, isn't it?" said the prim voice, though now it held a quiver that hadn't been there before.

"Him who?" asked Gilda. The tone of her voice was almost enough to make me immediately uncurl from my tight ball with curiosity.

"The sport. The sport! The sport Morticia wrote me about! Oh my, my, my… come on handsome, let me get a look at you! There we are…"
Under the admittedly tender ministrations of a large, prim-and-proper earthpony mare, I uncurled and, slowly, stopped shaking. When my vision had cleared, I noted that her mane was black and her body was white, with what looked like some sort of staff with a snake as a butt tattoo. A medical pony, but for 'animals', I mused. She put a hoof to my head, and gently wiped away a few spatters of blood and grime.

"Yes, yes, I can feel it, his body heat! ninety eight point six! And… yes! Incisors! Oh, I knew it! I knew it! Another one!"

I gagged as she put a hoof past my lips, gently forcing my mouth open and depressing my tongue, but repressed any and all urges to do anything hasty. Questions about being put down still rang heavy in my mind.

"Another… wait, what? And… is he gonna be okay? Please tell me he's gonna be okay, that… that was blackvine! Am I… is he… is he gonna die?"

"Oh, no, my girl, no. He's special, so very, very special." Furtively looking around, the pony leaned in close to Gilda and hissed quietly but intensely, "he's immune!"

"He's what!?" sputtered Gilda, causing the earth pony to twitch in alarm and furtively look about.

"We had a case, just like this, a few years ago. The same sub-species… they might be an entirely different species, actually… but they're immune to blackvine infection! Oh this is incredible! I never thought I'd… and then Celestia didn't let me visit with her, said I should wait for an opportunity, called me pushy, hah! But I came anyway! I just never thought...! I mean… oh, yes, the foal, this is… terrible, but… so awesome!"

I raised one eyebrow reflexively. This pony was crazy.

"Tin," said the pony, suddenly.

"What?" asked Gilda.

"Tin, Tin Berg. Royal Ethologist, at your disposal," she said, out of the corner of her muzzle. She hadn't taken her eyes off me for the last few minutes. I felt like the last pastry in the box.

"I don't suppose you could get your hoof out of my pet's mouth, then?" asked Gilda.

"Oh. Well, I… I guess," said Tin, taking one last wistful look at my teeth. "He's special," she repeated. "One of very, very few examples of his kind I've heard about. I bet he's smart, right?"

"Well he's...clever," said Gilda, suspiciously, "but… he's just a human."

"No, no, he's different. Teeth, body temperature, height, strength… intelligence. Watch!"

Reaching her head into a shoulder-bag I hadn't noticed before, the crazy pony pulled out a small squeaky ball. She squeaked it a few times, then pointedly put it back into her bag. I turned to Gilda as if to say "what?"

"See, a normal human… squeaky toys? They love them. He'd have been all over me to get it."

"He's… he's still… you're practically sitting on him! And he's well-trained!"

"Let's see, shall we?" Tin moved back, then got two objects out of her bag; the squeaky toy and a smaller bag, a packet even, of tools, gauzes and other medical-type implements.

"I'll give you this, young man," said Tin, squeaking the ball playfully, "if you let me take a closer look at you. Gilda, isn't it? I've heard of your father. How is he if you take his toys away?"

"What? Why?"

"I want to take a blood sample, to verify he really is clean of infection — he's going to be under quarantine until we can be sure — and I want to take your temperature, don't I, boy? Don't I! Yes I do! So open up!"

I obediently opened my mouth.

"Too bad it's a rectal thermometer," she added, eyes shining.

Snap! My teeth almost shattered with how fast I closed my mouth.

Tin just leaned closer, eyes glowing with mirth and conquest. "I knew it!" she whinnied triumphantly. "Oh, I have so many questions for Celestia… so many! So many! All the questions!"

Tin's euphoria was tempered only by the arrival of more guards, unicorns this time dressed in fancier, different garb. They swiftly set about blanketing the place with spells that smelled like mouthwash and bleach, whilst two more oversaw incinerating the remains of the poor creature I'd executed.

Amidst all of this, a distraught mare shoved her way up to our little group, despite protestations from the guards.

"No! I have to… I ju-just have to say… thank you. Gilda, isn't it? Abraxis' chick? Thank you, y-your human, he… if he hadn't… little Fern, my foal, is going to be okay. Sh-she's hurt, she might lose a leg, but… she'll live. Thanks to… he's your human, isn't he? Is he going to be okay?"

"Yes, my dear mare, the human is safe, he's fine. Nothing to worry about. He's not been infected, thank Celestia, but please do keep your distance, and advise everyone with a human to go home immediately, and to report any suspicious behaviour at once." Tin was back to being prim and proper, instead of the giddy nerd she'd been mere moments before. Nervously, the mare bowed her head, then retreated.

"So for now, Gilda, I want to check up on him tomorrow. Tonight he will stay here, under my observation. If he truly shows no symptoms tomorrow, a second blood test will tell us for sure he is as clean as I utterly believe he is. Nurse? Nurse!" Tin called out. An answering whinny brought hooves thundering closer. "Stage one decon of this lovely fellow, and then I want him asleep until dawn tomorrow. We're under general quarantine. Send orders immediately for a cleanup crew to find that blackvine and burn it out! I want to know if this was an attempt on Celestia's life or just a random encounter, and I want to know yesterday!"

"Wait, you're going to put him to sle—" I heard Gilda begin, and then I felt a mild shock and everything went black.

Author's Note

Alternative chapter title: "Don't taze me, mare!"