Ponoi: A Paradise to Die For

Tape 1

He walked quickly through the crowd, flashing his guest pass to the burly Diamond Dog bouncer. With a quick nod, he waved him into the complete and utter chaos that was the Princess Palms’ premium island. Only guests who sprung for the diamond bungalows got access to the best food, the best booze, and the best entertainment in the resort.

He was just damn lucky he knew a good forger.

Slipping through the crowd was a hassle as the entire island was filled to bursting with drunk, gyrating, young equines. The base alone was enough to shatter skulls and was that mare doing salt? Out in front of everypony? Unbelievable.

He was seriously beginning to doubt his contacts sanity when he had the misfortune to try his luck and go around the bar.
“Ooof!” He ended up flat on his back opposite a gold unicorn stallion. Shaking his head, he got to his hooves, extending one of them to the colt as he did so. “Sorry about that.”

“Fuck you!” he said, slapping his hoof away. The unicorn stood up under his own power, albeit shakily. He locked an absolutely vicious glare onto the poor colt who was now officially damning his contact for making him go through this mess. “Do you have any idea who your fucking talking to?” he asked, voice slurred by drink.

“No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.” He rolled his eyes at the unicorn’s bluster which only succeeded in setting him off further.

“I used to play for the fucking champions!” He threw his forelegs wide in a petty display of showmareship.

“Well how very nice for you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m supposed to meet somepony here.”

“Oh, what a coincidence,” he said with a smirk. “Cause my hoof’s supposed to meet somepony to…UP YOUR ASS!” By now a small crowd had formed around them. Some egging them on, some calling for security, and some just sitting and watching.

He just sighed.

“Look, I think we got off on the wrong hoof he…”
He was suddenly hit across the jaw by the angry stallion, exacting many cries of alarm from the surrounding ponies. The unicorn stood there with a smug look on his face.

“Actually, that’s my right hoof.” He had to suppress the urge to groan.

The unicorn moved to punch him again but was grabbed by a pair of large, furry paws.

“Hey! What is…PUT ME DOWN!”

“Give him a dip in the ocean. Should sober him up.” A striking purple zony walked up with a disgusted frown turned towards the colt. The angry gold pony was dragged off site kicking and screaming, much to the approval of the crowd. “You alright?”

“Perfectly fine.” He gingerly touched his jaw. “Might need some ice in the morning though.”

“Awww, it aint to bad.” She rooted around in her bag for a moment before coming up with a tiny gold card. He grabbed it with his magic, giving it a once over. “That’ll get you free drinks for the rest of the night. Compliments of the hotel.”

“Thanks.” He slipped the card into the right pocket of his jacket.

“Don’t mention it.” The sound of breaking glass sounded off from somewhere in the crowd. “Never a moments rest. OI! WHO’S THE FUCKTARD THROWING BOTTLES?” She walked off in the direction of the noise.

A small distance away, a red-haired pegasus in a hotel uniform threw back a shot, a scowl plastered on her face. She muttered something along the lines of “damn tourists” before heading off towards the bathroom.

He sighed once more and made his way over to a secluded table. As he sat down the DJ, a zebra with a mane dyed at least seven different shades of neon, made an announcement.

“Everypony having fun?” The crowd cheered. “Good, cause I’m here ALL NIGHT LONG, BAYBY!” The cheers turned to boo’s. The DJ just laughed. “Yeah, yeah. I know who you’re here for. The big colt will be out in a few minutes. Got to finish preparing you know? All those high class, washed-up types are like that.” A few polite laughs. “Till then, we managed to get our slimy hooves on some new stuff from the mare herself, DJ-PON3!”

The crowd went wild. The management had been trying to get PON3 here for ages, but she never took the job. Even when they offered her a custom bungalow for her and her marefriend. She just kept saying this place was a trap and the only time they’d ever see her there was after she’d finished living. Made him wonder what that said to the headliner.

“Yeah that’s right, fillies and colts. Straight to your ears before it even hits the stores. This is DJ m0noCrom3 bringing you Vinyl Scratch’s Euphoric Dream. Heh, hope I’m in it.”

There were a few more laughs and even a couple whistles as the zebra dropped another skull shattering base. He winced and put his hooves to his temples, trying to banish the migraine that was slowly forming.

“Not your thing?” a voice beside him said.

“No, not since college.” He turned to the speaker, a well-dressed zebra with a straight mane and a tattoo of a snake running all around his face. “Anaconda.”

“Mr. Archer. Good to finally see you in the flesh.”

“Same.” A waitress sauntered over to their table.

“What’ll it be gentlecolts?”

“Whiskey, no ice,” the zebra answered.

“Vodka, straight from Ursul if you have it.” He fished in his pocket for the little golden card. After showing it to the mare, she smiled and walked off in the direction of the bar. Anny eyed the card suspiciously.

“It would seem you are moving up in the world.”

“Nope just lucky.” He slipped it back into his pocket and gave his counterpart a dead stare. “We came here to talk, so talk.”

“Why so formal? It’s a party after all. Loosen up.”

“I don’t have time to ‘loosen up.’ I have a job to do, I’d prefer to do it and get off this goddess forsaken island.”

“Well then, how would you like to leave right away?” Archer’s eyes narrowed.

“What do you mean?” The zebra leaned in close while his voice dropped down to a whisper.

“The information you are asking for is very valuable. And very dangerous. There are certain equines on this island that won’t hesitate to take drastic measures to ensure it stays where it’s supposed to.”

“I’ve dealt with death threats before. It won’t be a problem.”

“Not like this.” Anny’s face suddenly took on a sad expression. “Billiard does not make idle threats. He always means every word he says. I urge you, drop this matter and go home.”

“We both know I can’t do that Anny.”

“Please, think of your son.”

“I am! I pull this off; I’ll have enough to retire, put him through college, and live until I'm dust in a high-rise in Canterlot!”

“But is it worth it?” The journalist was silent for a moment.

“If I just walk away, the dumping continues, the jungle gets clear-cut, Billiard gets away…”

“And Spade grows up with a father.”

The waitress came back with their drinks, setting each down gently before them. Archer looked at it for a moment, seeing a baby blue unicorn with a blonde mane and an old sports jacket staring right back.

“I have a job to do. I’m not leaving till it’s done,” he said determinedly. The zebra sighed.

“Fine then! If you are so adamant about suicide…” He reached into his own pocket and pulled out a small key. He practically threw it at Archer. “That unlocks the door behind the reception desk. Past that is a hallway. The third door on the right is where we keep the files. Meet me there in three hours. If we last that long.” He stood and brushed a bit of dust off his suit. “Good luck. You’ll need it.”

He watched the zebra go, his mind sorting through what was told to him. It was true that he’d received death threats, but never from somepony so powerful. Billiard had bits floating around every major country on earth. From Equestria to the Serpent Isles. If Anny said the threats were serious than they were.

But so was he, and he had a family to support.

A commotion over by the stage drew his attention. The DJ wore a manic grin as he switched tracks.
“I know you’ve been waiting.” Pretty much everypony was looking at the stage by now. The zebra laughed loudly, his smile growing wider. “He’s heeeeeere.” The crowd cheered, several ponies throwing out mock screams. “Awwww, what’s the matter? Scared?”

A high pitched beat, almost like the tolling of bells, echoed throughout the club accompanied by some sort of tribal drum. A heavy fog appeared at the back of the stage as an enormous brown stallion appeared. He sneered evilly as he walked up the mike.

<a href="You> aint scared…yet.

Things that go bump in the night? Me.

It’s me…

Shrunken heads, broken legs, body parts on the concrete!
Cut em up, butcher style, gators in the swamp!
Red light, leave ‘em dead, runnin’ like a track meet!
Scared of nopony, WHAT YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WANT?
Believe me when I tell ‘em I’m a boogymare beast!
Leave ‘em slashed from their head to their seat!
Pin pricks to the chest of a bitch well earned!
Cooking meat, cannibal tryna eat!

I got a zombie army, and you can’t harm me!
HOODOO’S YOUR VOODOO, BITCH!
Drink blood like a vampire without warning!
HOODOO’S YOUR VOODOO, BITCH! (Stand up!)
Yeah, I got the thing that goes bump in the night!
HOODOO’S YOUR VOODOO, BITCH!
Hide your foals, grab your wife, better get out of site!
HOODOO’S YOUR VOODOO, BITCH! (Let’s go!)

Yeah, I’m with Papa Shango and Baron Samedi!
Mouth full of hoof bits, toss ‘em up like confetti!
Stable of corpse bitches, I’m a pimp of the dead!
Come fuck with a zombie, I’ll put a stake in your head!
Look, you want ghouls? I got fuckin’ platoons!
Baby, everypony dies, I’ll see your ass real soon!
Crack bones to the marrow, hot sauce while they suck it!
Now my juju aint nothing to FUCK WITH!

I got a zombie army, and you can’t harm me!
HOODOO’S YOUR VOODOO, BITCH!
Drink blood like a vampire without warning!
HOODOO’S YOUR VOODOO, BITCH! (Stand up!)
Yeah, I got the thing that goes bump in the night!
HOODOO’S YOUR VOODOO, BITCH!
Hide your foals, grab your wife, better get out of site!
HOODOO’S YOUR VOODOO, BITCH! (Let’s go!)

Cut your head off, leave you motherfuckers dead!

I got a zombie army, and you can’t harm me!
HOODOO’S YOUR VOODOO, BITCH!
Drink blood like a vampire without warning!
HOODOO’S YOUR VOODOO, BITCH!
Yeah, I got the thing that goes bump in the night!
HOODOO’S YOUR VOODOO, BITCH!
Hide your foals, grab your wife, better get out of site!
HOODOO’S YOUR VOODOO, BITCH! (It's me)

The performance got a standing ovation. Apparently, the crowd was just drunk enough to appreciate a song they’d probably heard fifty times like it was new. Though it might have had something to do with the singer punching some drunk asshole off the stage halfway through the show.

Shaking his head, he threw back his drink and turned toward the exit. Three hours was just enough time to get back to his bungalow and wash the stink of this place off him.

He heard a slap and some screaming. The gold unicorn had snuck back in and proceeded to hit on everything female within shouting distance. He was currently being dragged out by his horn.

Archer chuckled to himself. Tonight he would get the dirt on Billiard and by tomorrow it would be formatted and off to Equestria Daily. Then he’d just half to sit back and ride out the last three days of his ‘vacation’.

Who knows? He might actually get some rest.