Mirror the Fun

A lot of things happen to your body when you fall in love.

The rush of endorphins is just the beginning. People like to say that love is chemically identical to eating chocolate, but it is so, so much more complicated than that. When you love somebody, connections are formed in your gut and in your brain that can never be broken. The more you think of them, the stronger those bonds become, and the more data your body has, the more bonds can be devoted to them. Biology influences psychology, and psychology influences biology. Before you've even had time to realize what you're feeling, something that's so often dismissed as an illusion has already started rearranging your body into a mappable pattern inside you. This invisible, intangible, human-created concept, completely meaningless to any of the billions of cells that make you up, has the power to physically rewire you into something unrecognizable. Love can literally bend reality.

I loved Flash from the day I met him. Not because I wanted to, but because I had no one else. My school forgot about me, my family was ashamed of me, and my only friend was a dog. No matter how hard I threw myself into my studies and my schedule, the seeds of desire had been planted in me, and I'd watered them weekly for years. There were whole networks in my brain devoted to doing nothing but giving me bursts of pleasure when I thought about his smile, or his voice, or how it might feel if he was kissing me. When we'd finally met, my body had gone into overtime filling in the blanks in this feedback loop, hungrily cataloging every scent, every texture, every pulse of sensation as our bodies rocked together. Without ever knowing it, I was craving those chemicals again, unconsciously turning myself on in the hopes that I might drive myself to kiss his lips again. My body was a shrine to him, the cells I'd stolen from him entombed within me, and its only commandment was If you find me more of him, you will again be happy.

I'd done all this research so that I could dismiss it. I've never believed in biological determinism, preferring to think of my physical side as something to control instead of submit to, and I thought that knowing the biological aspect of my crush would help me discard it. All it really resulted in was a lot of long and loud showers. And now, I understood that when I saw Flash Sentry glaring at me with disgust, when it felt like I was being torn apart inside, it was, on the cellular level, actually happening.

He looked between the two of us, just once, and then pulled up a chair next to his girlfriend. It wasn't hard to guess how he knew who was who; maybe it was the bracelet, or the milkshake, or the fact that she was beaming at him and I was shrinking away in terror. "Hi, Twilight," he said, kissing her cheek. Then he looked at me. "Hi... other Twilight."

"Just Twilight," Princess corrected him, holding his arm. "This is her world, not mine. I'm the other Twilight, remember?"

Looking at them together was a new kind of agony. It had been bad enough watching Sunset Shimmer cling to him, but the way these two leaned into one another was just so unbearably right that I couldn't handle it. Seeing this girl who should have been me, who was me, rest her head on his shoulder made me feel like I was almost in her place, so close and yet so far. The fact that he kept glaring at me just pushed me away even more.

"Let's get this over with," he groaned. Emphatically, he folded his arms. "Say what you're here to say and let's go."

I couldn't talk. Not like this, not in public, not with him staring at me like that. Because I understood then that it wasn't Princess who I should have been afraid of. There were words for what I'd done to Flash, terrible, awful words that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and he had every right to reflect all of that awfulness back onto me. Looking at him now, I could still feel him, perfectly visualizing his naked body underneath his clothes. At some point in time and space, he was still wrapped around me, hands caressing every part of me, mouth loving me, growing closer as I moistened for him, and the memory of that night was a poison pill inside me. Every vibration of his hate ripped through me like bullets. He'd done nothing but love me, and I'd treated him like a toy. All I wanted was to die, to disappear, to never have existed, so that he and Princess and everyone could have lived on happily without me.

A death of the soul later, I tried moving my lips, just to see what would happen. What happened was that I started crying. Couldn't even get that right, I guess.

"Ugh." Flash looked away. "Fine. Just keep feeling sorry for yourself. That'll fix everything."

"Flash, please." Princess held onto him tightly, maybe holding him back. "No one thinks that what she did wasn't wrong, not even her. We shouldn't make things worse than they already are."

He turned to her. "How can be you okay with this?" he snapped.

"I'm not. But there has to be a little bit of good that came from this, right? She... gave you what I couldn't."

She looked at me again. Through the haze of tears I saw an intense longing, and not a small amount of desire. Things finally clicked: absurdly, Princess was jealous of me.

"You think that's what matters to me?" Flash retorted. "All I wanted was to be with you, not some... criminal who looks like you!"

"She is me."

"That is not you!"

Princess went silent for a moment. "What about when the portal broke?" she said. I realized that she was crying too, but doing a much better job of hiding it. "When I wouldn't talk to you for a month? When you had to feed me to keep me from starving? When I threatened you with rocks for interrupting my work? Was I like her then?"

Flash hesitated as well. He looked back and forth between her and me, his scowl shuddering as it tried to decide whether to stay in place. And just for a second, I caught him looking at me as he had three nights ago: with love.

It all made sense. Even if my perverted crush had hardwired me to long for Flash, it was nothing compared to what a year of close contact had done to him. He was made for Princess, just as she was made for him, and now I was throwing that off. Even if he could tell us apart, his body couldn't; for more than a year his impulses had been telling him that the smell of her hair and the oils from her skin were good and should be sought out, but his one encounter with me had fastballed those feelings into reverse. He was caught between us, biologically breaking up with her as attraction fought with revulsion. It was chemically impossible for him to both love her and hate me.

Something had to break. Might as well be me.

"I'm sorry," I blurted, standing up. "You're right. I'm not her. I'm nothing like her. And I never will be."

"Twilight..." Princess said, rising.

"No!" I cried, backing up. "Just leave me alone! I'm sorry. This never should have happened. I'm sorry!" I turned and fled, drawing more stares as I pushed out the door. By the time Princess ran out of the cafe behind me I was already on my bike and flying down the street, not looking back.

I sat on Colgate's porch for twenty minutes before I rang the doorbell. I'd wanted time to breathe and get myself presentable, but I realized that it was going to be a long time before that happened. It took another minute for anyone to answer, and when the door did open, it was Lyra, not Colgate, who stood behind it. Had I been in a better frame of mind, this would have struck me as odd; Lyra was usually late for study sessions, not several hours early. What did catch me then was the look of surprise and uncertainty on her face as she saw me. "Uh, hi," she said, leaning back. "You're early."

"I'm sorry," I sniffed. "I didn't know where else to go."

She invited me in, but only hesitantly, as if she wasn't sure what to do with me. "Are you okay?" she asked. "You're looking kinda wrecked." She made a face at something in the next room, thinking that I couldn't see.

"I'm fine," I lied. "I just needed to..." Something caught my eye. A shiny shape was whisked away around the corner, towards the kitchen. I followed it, ignoring Lyra's feeble protests, and stopped short when I saw what was waiting.

All the girls were there: Bon Bon, Colgate, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine, the latter of whom was wearing a party hat. They'd all frozen, like they were caught in the act, staring back at me. Bon Bon and Lemon Hearts were in the kitchen, where it looked like a chocolate-based bomb had gone off, putting the finishing touches on a cake. Colgate was neatly piling presents on the table, and Twinkleshine had until now been frolicking around in a pile of streamers. Glitter was everywhere. Above it all was a stringy, sparkly banner, drooping dangerously low over everything, which read Happy Birthday Twilight!

Twinkleshine, in a panic, blurted the first thing she thought of. "This isn't what it looks like."

I took another step in, blinking at them and blearily wondering if this surprise had been meant for Princess as well. "What...?"

Lyra jumped me from behind. "Because tomorrow's your birthday, stupid!" she yelled into my ear.

"And you didn't tell us!" Bon Bon pouted, marching over.

In seconds, I was surrounded. Twinkleshine, stronger than she looked, picked up both me and Lyra and spun us around giddily. "Happy almost birthday, study buddy!" she cheered.

I was sure that by now numb shock was becoming my default expression. "How did you even..."

"I hacked the student records," Colgate answered, a blush turning her blue face purple. "Principal Mayor almost caught me, too. But it was worth it."

"Surprise!" Twinkleshine shouted, too late but lost in the moment.

Lyra nuzzled me from behind. "We all would have tanked our midterms if you hadn't been there," she said. "We've been wanting to do this for a while now."

"But... why?" I choked out. "We barely talk."

"Not for want of trying!" Lemon Hearts yelled from near the counter.

Colgate stole me away from Twinkleshine and gave me a more gentle hug. I'd now been touched by more people in the past three days than I had in the past three years. "You've always been there for us," she said, "whether you knew that was what you were doing or not. And as far as I'm concerned, that makes you a pretty awesome friend."

Friend.

That was the word that broke me. I sniffed once, disguise cracking, and then pitched forward and sobbed into Colgate's shoulder. She gasped. "What is it? What's wrong?"

Twinkleshine took a step backwards. "She... she doesn't like it!" she wailed in horror, flailing and sprinting out of the room.

The others stayed where they were, embracing me from both sides. I stayed too, even when Lyra "accidentally" copped a feel. The others approached more cautiously, and after a minute Bon Bon gently reached in and lifted up my chin. "Seriously, Twilight, what's wrong?" she said.

For the first time, I told her.

It took Princess Twilight sixty minutes to tell her story. I cut mine down to only forty minutes.

I left out a lot of the important parts, of course. I didn't say anything about ponies or magic or dimension-hopping; without a talking dog handy to prove my case, I didn't want any of my friends (friends!) thinking I was crazy, even for a little while. I also didn't say anything about Sunset Shimmer, since that was a whole second can of worms that I wasn't about to open. All they needed to know was that there was another girl out there who I could pass for, which was plausible enough that they didn't seriously question it.

The other difference was that while Princess had had a small, quiet audience, I had a whole party to talk through. I spoke in bursts, between which Bon Bon managed to get two pieces of cake in me and Twinkleshine pushed presents into my hands. They were an odd yet predictable selection: a purple robot toy, a couple of rare books (including one autographed by A.K. Yearling), a gift certificate, a rubber bone for Spike. Twinkleshine, a little naively, had gotten me a Sapphire Shores album, but I loved it anyway. "This one's from all of us," Lyra added at the end, passing me something hard and flat. "We thought you'd like it the most."

I stripped the wrapping paper away. It was a framed picture of the six of us, taken at some point when I hadn't noticed. We were all unknowingly posed, Lyra and Twinkleshine mid-bounce, Colgate and Lemon Hearts intently poring over their work, Bon Bon laughing from the corner of the frame as she took the shot. I was sitting demurely in the middle, reading a book, with the others framed around me. "It's beautiful," I answered honestly, clutching it to my chest.

It was evening when I finally finished retelling the events of the day. We'd made it up to Colgate's room and lounged around there, listening to me talk. When I was done we lay around for a little while longer, collecting ourselves. "Well," Colgate said, "that's definitely the weirdest reason I've heard for crashing a party."

Lyra extended her arm with a grin, palm facing me. "High five," she said when I didn't move. "Our Twilight finally got laid. High five."

"With Flash Sentry, too," Lemon Hearts whined as I awkwardly obliged. "I'm so jealous."

"It's not that great," I said. "He hates me now. And he should, too."

"Should he?" Bon Bon said. She took my hand and stroked it gently. "Yes, you lied, and you did a bad thing. But no one could know you and think that you're a bad person. As long as you're true to that, it doesn't have to end this way."

I sniffed. "Really?"

"I know it."

"It might not be that easy," Colgate added. "You might have a lot of making up to do. But even if things don't end like you wanted, you can't leave things as they are. It's not fair to anyone."

"I guess," I said. "But what should I do?"

Twinkleshine answered. "Run to him. And when you're there, follow your heart. Do what makes everyone happy." She smiled sweetly.

Lyra leaned over to me. "What she's saying is she thinks you should jump on his c-"

Bon Bon clapped a hand over her mouth. "Go," she said. "Before you lose your chance."

I stood slowly. "Are you sure?" I asked. "You all did all this for me."

"Hey, we'll see you around all the time," Lemon Hearts laughed. "But this might be your one shot. You should take it."

"I will." I started to head out, but hesitated. "Everyone... thank you. You don't know how much this all meant to me. No matter how this ends, I want you to know that this made my night."

"A lot longer than that, by the sound of it," Bon Bon said. "Good luck, Twilight. We'll be rooting for you."

"Get pictures!" Lyra yelled as I walked out the door.

The cafe was empty when I came back to it. I entered nervously, taking a long time coming in; the lights were on, but no one was home. The tables had been rearranged again, leaving me struggling to remember how they had been before. The trail was already cold.

"Boo."

I shrieked, nearly falling over a table. Behind me, Pinkie Pie giggled. "Our Twilight never stopped falling for that," she said. I didn't blame my double; I'd studied a few magician's tricks, and barring crawling across the ceiling, I had no idea how Pinkie Pie could warp around like that.

I steadied myself against a chair, suddenly nervous about being alone with her. "What do you want?" I asked.

"I thought you'd come back." She leaped up onto the table and squatted down to examine me, strangely birdlike. "Flash and Twilight had a fight," she said. "That's something they haven't done in a long, long time."

I gulped. "About me?"

"Weeeeeeell, not just about you. But you could have tried just a little bit harder not to kick something off."

Talking to her was unnerving. She kept tilting and bobbing her head while she talked, and I had absolutely no idea if she was mad at me or not. "Where are they?" I asked. "I need to apologize."

"They went to her place to do kissy things. But I don't think it's going to go well." She grinned devilishly. "Lucky for you, I know just how to get there. But if you want me to tell you, then you're going to have to do a little something for me."

My imagination ran wild and into strange and uncomfortable places. "Like what?" I asked, edging away.

"Oh, I think you know." She hopped down from the table and crept towards me, slowly raising her arms.

Five awkward minutes and a bike ride later, I came to a halt in front of the building where Princess lived. It wasn't what I'd expected from her. All it was was a squat, square, gray-toned apartment complex, unremarkable among the buildings around it. This was understandable, though, since she hadn't had much of a choice. According to what Pinkie Pie had told me, since Princess was from another dimension and didn't legally exist, she couldn't risk hunting for jobs outside of the small number of people who knew about her true nature. For her first few months she'd bounced from friend's house to friend's house until the school year had started and Principal Celestia had hired her to run the library at Canterlot High. This gave her enough to live on and pay back her debts, and she'd saved up to finally afford a place of her own - one that didn't ask too many questions.

"Evening, Twilight," the doorman said brightly as I walked in. "Didn't know you'd gone out."

"Oh, um... hi." I hid behind my hair, praying that he wouldn't see through my disguise. Not, of course, that I was wearing one.

Her room number was 314. I wondered if she'd chosen it herself. I knew walking in that if I stopped in front of the door, I would end up stood there for an hour or more; not letting that happen, I ran the final few steps and hammered on it. When nothing happened after the first thirty seconds I knocked again, more politely, and then a third time.

I was contemplating trying for a fourth when the door opened. Flash stood there, his puzzled expression collapsing into one of annoyance. "Twilight," he said flatly.

I didn't bother with preliminaries. "Tell me how to make things right."

He didn't answer, so I continued. "I don't care if you hate me. You have every right to. I can't make up for what I did, but if I have something you want, it's yours. Any kind of apology, any punishment, anything. And if all you want is for me to leave and never go near you again, I'll do it. I just don't want to leave things as they are. I can't."

All he did was stare. My body quivered underneath it. I wanted to throw myself on him and tell him it would be okay; I wanted him to let me cry on his shoulder one more time. But he already had a Twilight for that. "Flash," I mumbled. "I'm sorry."

An eternity of sorts passed, both our minds stretching out this moment for as long as we could. Then he sighed and leaned against the doorframe. Anger dripped away from him, and in those pretty blue eyes I once again saw sadness. He spoke with a heavy longing that I objectively knew originated in the brain, but deep down understood could only come from the heart. "Tell me how to make Twilight happy."