The Critique
Mykanuary: My Little Unicorn Season 2 Part 1
Previous ChapterNext ChapterSitting in his cell at Canterlot Penitentiary, the tapping of the guard’s hooves as he marched across the cellblock reminded him of his predicament. Of course, even if he didn’t have such a thing, there was always the constant reminder that came in the form of a metallic golden ring around his horn with a keyhole. The metallic ring that kept him from gaining access to his greatest power. The Uniforce.
As long as it was locked tightly against his horn, he was as powerless as the earth pony that defeated him. Simple and plain. With nothing special about him or anything he could achieve. Just ordinary.
For weeks after his imprisonment, he had long debated whether or not he would escape the large facility that seemed determined to keep him locked away.
The warden seemed confident in the prison’s abilities. Lightning remembered how the large, obese pony stretched out his wings and looked down upon them as if they were immoral things. He boasted that nopony had ever escaped Canterlot Penitentiary and that nopony ever would. Not under his supervision, he claimed.
Lightning recalled scoffing and rolling his eyes at such a pompous claim. He imagined the Pegasi would not be so brave had the unicorns not been fitted with the same ‘Suppressor Rings’, as they call them. Nor if the other Pegasi were not locked in a heavy leather harness that could only be unlocked with a special key.
Though looking back at everything the warden had told the new arrivals that day, he had to admit, he had his doubts about escaping. The walls were thick enough that nothing short of a large explosive could penetrate it. A large explosive that could be seen coming.
A field of magic was constructed to keep teleportation spells from being casted. Nopony could enter from or to a point anywhere for 50 miles from the prison. This kept unicorns who were freed from their rings from escaping with just a flash of their horn.
He remembered the warden placing his hoof on his chest and claiming that not even Celestia could teleport while in that field, before affirming that he had personally tested it.
A stone prison combined with the high quality glass windows made it nearly impossible for any Pegasi to fly to freedom. Even at high speeds, the glass would stand firm, the warden stated with a smug smile.
Magical checkpoints stationed several miles before the prison itself. They were set up to detect magical items being delivered to and from the prison.
No magical item entered the facility without the security knowing.
It was truly and impenetrable fortress. In or out.
And yet…
He reached under his pillow and uncovered his white stone from the piece of cloth that held it. If this fortress was so impenetrable and nothing could pierce its perfect defenses, how could the Grand Ruler bring him this tiny magical stone? How did Rhymey infiltrate the prison and become a member of its staff without causing suspicion?
The Grand Ruler had found a way to breach this prison and it was only a matter of time before the entire thing came crumbling down.
He lifted the stone to his face, closed his eyes and whispered.
“My Grand Ruler.”
He pulled the stone close to him, covering it with his hooves. He lay against his pillow, his head turned to his chest, where the stone waited.
A voice echoed in his head. “My apprentice.”
He smiled. “My Grand Ruler, is it time?”
The Grand Ruler spoke to his mind once more. “Yes, my apprentice. Everything is exactly where it needs to be. In exactly 35 minutes, Canterlot Penitentiary is going to experience the greatest jailbreak in its history.”
Lightning closed his eyes and thanked his Grand Ruler for the wonderful news. All that was left to do now was wait. And 35 minutes would not pass quick enough.
***
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
And I finally made it! I finally made it to the end of the month! This is it! The last week of Mykanuyary!
Oh, it’s been hard! It’s been a fucking nightmare to get through this month! But I’m almost to the end! Just one more story and I will be able to move on with my life for a whole year! Who knows?! Maybe it will actually be good.
Or… maybe not.
As many of you already know, I have a lot of history with this story. It was one of the first rage reviews I ever did for the group of Rage Reviews and it’s probably the most read of all the reviews I’ve done, making 764 views of that blog alone.
Yes, the blog that I posted on this story has more views than most of the stories I’ve actually written. I’ll let you all come up with your own conclusion.
Anyway, the story is infamous among bronies as being the worst thing that has ever been printed. While I certainly wouldn’t call it that (I’ll be getting into what I feel is an insult to bronies a little later this year), it is a really bad story. Like stupidly bad. Like, “how in the world did anyone think this would be better than what we’ve got” bad.
In the first one I claimed it to have poor pacing, characters, and morals that don’t relate to what was going on the ‘episode’. The villains were terrible and the plot was over-repetitive.
I know some of you probably didn’t read that review and for your convenience, I’ve made a group of videos about my full review of My Little Unicorn. Go ahead and watch them. I’ll wait.
…
Oh, sorry, I was busy hoping you were watching the videos. For those of you who decided to skip all that, let me fill you in as quickly as I can.
The land of Unicornicopia is a magical place where a bunch of anthropomorphic alicorns live. There, they use there magical powers to defeat evil monsters. Believe me, it’s not a cool as I’m making it sound. The ruler of said place is called the Grand RulerTri-Horned UnicornMykanDavisCopy-cat who rules over his unicorns by enslaving them without their knowledge. This would be an interesting aspect of the story if the unicorns actually didn’t worship the Grand Ruler like some benevolent deity.
The group of unicorns are forced into a conflict with a villain named Titan and it ends up taking them to Equestria. After the battle, the two worlds merge to become one.
I’m sure there was more that happened between that time, but with all the alcohol I ingested, I tend to black out on most of the memories. Although, I do feel it important to talk to you about the characters a bit before we get started, just so we are all caught up on them.
Lightning Dawn – He’s an asshole.
Krysta – The Spike Stand-in.
Artie – The artist with no imagination
Buddy Rose – A former wrestler.
Rhymey – The one I am likely to murder first
Cookie – The Spirit of Vengeance
Penny Sillon – A pun
Abra Kadabra – A Pokemon (I know they’re separate, let me have this joke)
Professor Brain - … Who kind of looks like my grandpa? … Huh… Must be coincidence.
Inquerius – The Mayor of Ponyville.
Dyno and Mite – Offensive Latino Stereotypes
And Starla Shine – A girl
Yes, I’m aware that Inquerius and Penny Sillon are girls, but they aren’t the main love interest, so they don’t count. They might as well be boys except they don’t have the ability to fight or do anything that’s pretty useful.
Now, that we know who all our characters are, we can get started on what really matters. So, let’s dig into My Little Unicorn…
It’s NOT called My Little Unicorn! That’s wrong.
What the fuck?!
And the entire fic has been rewritten so that it’s more understandable!
Oh, yes. I should probably explain that, shouldn’t I? You see, when I posted one of the videos I had made on the fic, Mykan was quick to point out that the story was no longer called My Little Unicorn and had been replaced by My Brave Pony Starfleet.
And he claimed that the story had been improved. Now, I have not read the rewrite. Perhaps I will eventually when I’ve dipped my head in enough acid to make me vomit my ass. But as of right now, I have no interest in reading it. If it is better, I can’t confirm it because I haven’t read it.
However, here is what I can confirm; the original story was shit. That is the story that I read. I didn’t read My Brave Pony Starfleet. I read My Little Unicorn. The original. Even if you rewrite a story, that doesn’t change the original being utter shit. The original is what I read. The original is what I reviewed. I can’t review something I haven’t read.
Well, I guess I could, but I couldn’t give it a fair review because I haven’t experienced it. It would be like me saying Guardians of the Galaxy was shit and someone saying “Well, did you actually see it? Because it was fucking awesome.” And me replying, “No. I did not see it. I just know its shit!”
And my friend replies, “Well, you can’t make a judgment on something you haven’t actually seen or experienced.”
And then like a true, true friend, I punch him in the face.
What I’m trying to say here is that, I’m not calling it My Brave Starfleet. It was My Little Unicorn when we started. It’s My Little Unicorn now.
So, with all that out of the way, let’s finally dig into My Brave Little Pony Starfleet Magic is Believing in the Grand Ruler season 2.
Our story beings with… A youtube video?
Hmm… Oh, sorry, I was starting to enjoy myself. Let’s get back to it, shall we?
The story starts with a background explanation that ponies and all living creatures in the new world of whatever have rid the world of all evil and criminals except one.
…Chrysalis!!
The story explains that Chrysalis and her Changeling army had escaped Equestria before it was destroyed during the battle with Titan and that they began to master new powers from some bullshit training that we never get to see.
Let’s face it, it’s just a weak reason to make Chrysalis actually stand a chance against the new unicorns she’d have to face. Oh, and I guess now they are all anthropomorphic too. Sure, why the fuck not? Get used to me saying that by the way. There comes a point in a Mykan story where you just accept the stupid, no matter how much to don’t want to.
We learn that Chrysalis and her army attack the Crystal Empire and that the power of love has no effect on them. Why? Because.
So, they reveal that the heroes or Starfleet, as they are called, had a great battle with Chrysalis that left the city devastated.
We see the fight scene from the Power Rangers video and something I want to say about this is, why would you put a video in your story if you were going to copy the exact same thing? Were you that unconfident in your abilities that you had to resort to a video to show us the scene that you were going to write anyway? Why write this if you were going to show us what was going to happen in the video anyway? It just wastes our time.
Also, when people told you to ‘show, don’t tell’, this is not what they meant!
So, yeah, Lightning breaks in and battles Chrysalis, but like in the video, Chrysalis gets away. They put the Changelings on trial and convict them.
And finally the prologue is over. Good god, this was boring. It held no dramatic tension because we already knew what was going to happen. The video spoiled the whole chapter for us. So there was no surprise and it was completely predictable. If this was the first thing I read when I started this story, I would put it down and never pick it up again.
That’s not what good authors do. A good author would make people want to read their story with a very interesting prologue. This story doesn’t do that because of the addition of the youtube video. The video doesn’t add anything and actually hurts the story more than helps it. So why have it? Was the story afraid that if it didn’t have it then the audience wouldn’t be able to figure out what was going on?
Though, I really shouldn’t be harping on this since the omission of the youtube video wouldn’t improve the writing quality.
So, they establish early on that the Changelings can’t shapeshift and fool everypony like before, because of the advance technology at the Grand Ruler’s disposal that prevents that. Of course.
Why if they had been there during the Canterlot Royal Wedding, they would have easily identified Chrysalis impersonating Cadance and the whole thing would have been over in mere minutes.
Because, why would we want actual suspense and competent villains? Also, MY UNICORNS ARE BETTER BECAUSE THEY HAVE MADE UP MAGICAL TECHNOLOGY THAT MAKES THEM BETTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY!
And then the story repeats what the last chapter had just told us! We just saw this scene! Why are you repeating a scene that we’ve already seen?! Again, wasting our time! Something you’ll find this fic is very good at!
And then a very interesting thing happens in Equestria. Apparently, martial law is declared on the citizens of New Canterlot.
Starfleet would remain on constant vigil for any signs of attack, and as for all others, life would continue and society would go on-- Children would go to school, adults would go to work, and bills and taxes would be paid normally.
There would be no hoarding and no sudden profiteering.
By command of their majesties, all wages and all prices were frozen. What an apple cost at the market yesterday it would cost again tomorrow.
To help avoid sneak attacks at night, by command of Princess Luna, an international curfew began after 9 Pm for all child civilians, unless proper authorization was given. Finally, martial law was declared for the times of war, and all crimes and disturbances would be dealt with swiftly, and harshly.
With their new genetically-altered humanoid bodies, and newer technologies, the ponies found so many new ways to get through their daily lives, get their chores done quicker and easier, and also do more things that they couldn’t before as normal ponies.
So, let me get this straight. Celestia, one of the most compassionate characters in the show, is giving up her power to rule Equestria, basically to her husband (eww) and lets him declare martial law, oppressing her subjects because a few renegades got away, changing ponies to a humanoid form (whether they want to or not), forbidding them to use their magic for anything other than combat or healing, forcing drastic economic changes. And… everypony in Equestria is okay with this?
There’s no riot in the streets? No protests? Not even an angry letter?
Wow! This is probably the kindest hostile takeover ever! Not a single pony in Equestria disagrees with the Grand Ruler’s benevolent oppression! I think that’s how Sombra conquered the Crystal Empire!
Oh, no, it’s cool! We are totally okay with whatever you need. It’s chill.
Oh, that’s fine! We totally don’t mind. Whatever you need.
Some of you will probably die.
Ha, ha, ha. That’s fine. We are totally okay with that.
Let’s look at this bit by bit, shall we?
The first one states that Starfleet will be constantly vigilant against attacks by Changelings. Okay, fair enough. We’ve already established that the Changelings are more powerful (even if it’s bullshit and we don’t know exactly how they are more powerful), but it’s like a military presence against terrorists.
However, the second asks for no hoarding and no sudden profiteering. What the hell does hoarding have to do with any of this? Why is it all of a sudden illegal to be hoarding? Maybe as a safety issue, but in most counties hording is not illegal! Unless it is in Equestria, but there’s not mention of that.
Also, do you know the definition of profiteering? As the dictionary puts it, make or seek to make an excessive or unfair profit, especially illegally or in a black market. I assume that a black market would already be illegal! Unless, the Grand Ruler thinks black markets have their uses, but that would make him Lex flipping Luthor… And to be fair, would make this story a little less shit.
The third point calls for a wage and price freeze. Now, I am no expert in economics. I’m sure there are smarter ponies than I that can explain why this may or may not work better than I can. But based on the little research I did (again, a Wikipedia search), it showed that Nixon had the same idea and it didn’t turn out so well. Again, not an expert and it was during peace time, but it left the economy in a bad situation.
This wouldn’t bother me so much if Chrysalis was as powerful as the Starfleet. But I’m sorry, I have a hard time buying that Chrysalis has gained so much power that she’s more powerful than the guy who killed Titan, a god who was more powerful than Discord.
The fourth one states a curfew. Okay, point there. It does say only child civilians, but doesn’t give a direct age, so when does the child stop being one?
But martial law is declared, so wouldn’t everypony have a curfew anyway? I’m not exactly an expert on the sort of thing either.
And finally, there’s the whole ‘messing with everypony’s DNA’. We’ll put aside the fact that Unicornicopia has the technology to anthropomorphize everypony in Equestria, and instead focus on the civil rights. Everypony is okay with being changed by the Grand Ruler? Everypony is completely okay with shedding their ‘imperfect’ pony skin for this ‘purified’ version? There are no debates on whether it is okay for them to give up who they are? There is no pony standing up and saying ‘We are giving up our identities.’?
Now, I’m not saying that all who made the decision to change is bad. I’m saying that this is something that ought to be shown in both sides. Both sides could have valid points to why or why not to go through this process. But no, it’s just “Here’s the way it’s going to be. Get the fuck used to it”.
And, again, it’s not the Equestrians bettering themselves to become stronger and more advance. It’s the Grand Ruler giving it to them. Again, taking away a woman’s power. A woman’s strength. Everything that makes the characters the ones we continue to love.
But, I’ve ranted for a long time on this. So, let’s try to get through this train wreck of a story.
Princess Twilight Sparkle and friends had all signed up to join Starfleet in case of any further attacks. So they were put through rigorous training to help them become stronger and swifter than ever. They couldn’t become as powerful as the original space ponies nor ever hope to beat them at full strength, but they could become stronger than they could ever imagine before.
I would say this is a kick to the balls for the characters I enjoy, but this is kind of not caring I expect out of this story.
Lightning was Captain and team commander, while all his friends were Senior Lieutenants. Princess or not, Twilight did not hold any authority over them. Lightning only took orders from the Grand Ruler.
Because Princesses are girls and as we know, girls are stupid and idiotic creatures… I feel like every time this story shows signs of sexism, I should be hit in the head by a shovel because lord knows, somepony has to suffer for his bigotry. So, this message is to all my female fans.
Here’s your shovel. Every time sexism appears in this story, I’ll have you hit me with it. Let’s practice.
OW! SHIT! … FUCK! … Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…
Also, Twilight and her friends are taking their military controlled lives unrealistically well. I don’t remember any of them being soldiers in the show. Granted, they did save Equestria several times, but that’s because they are selfless good Samaritans that love their country. Not because they’re soldiers. So, why would they sign up for the military? Wouldn’t that kind of cut into their personal lives? I’m not saying I disagree with anypony who signs up for the military. I’m just saying it feels like an odd choice for the main six.
Twilight and Rainbow Dash, yeah, I could see. But what about the others? Rarity, she detests violence and roughing it as a soldier would need to, preferring to live in a life of luxury. Fluttershy is against violence all together and wouldn’t want to be in a high stress combat situation. Applejack has her family to provide for. And Pinkie Pie has no business of being on the battlefield, the most depressing, and opposite of who she is place.
Honestly, it makes no sense to have all the main six sign up for Starfleet. The only reason it is there is so that the main six can be there. That’s it. It shows no respect or logic to how these characters might operate. Then again, I shouldn’t be surprised about that.
However, it turns out that not everypony is okay with the Grand Ruler’s changes.
What? A pony with an actual brain?
Not in this fan fic, you don’t!
An ex-Wonderbolt named Ace Ray didn’t approve of Starfleet or its changes. Why? Well, he blamed them for the destruction of the old Equestria.
Hey, that’s a good point. Why would anypony want these assholes to rule them? Yeah, they saved Equestria (depending on your definition of saved), but they still brought their problems to Equestria’s doorstep. It was their fault Titan was even there to begin with! There should be a lot more ponies pissed off at these guys!
However, it turns out his sister, Skye, doesn’t share his thoughts on this and worships the Grand Ruler. Because as we have established, all women must worship him.
GOD… FUCKING… DAMNIT!... Oh… that hurt…
And because freedom of speech is all but dead in Equestria, Ace voicing his opinions on Starfleet and why they suck gets him kicked out of the Wonderbolts. Sounds like Fanficiton.com.
His sister tries to convince him that he’s wrong about it, but Ace shares his viewpoints.
“I should appreciate the ridiculous Starfleet mentality that destroyed our home and turned into this mess it is now, or how about the fact they mercilessly kill everything even remotely close to evil, huh?!”
Okay, I’ll agree with the first one, bro. And don’t get me wrong, I hate the Starfleet as much as you do, but where the hell did the second one come from? Mercilessly killing? When?! You mean, Titan! Titan, the guy who was trying to destroy your world?! I think we can make an exception there, since he wasn’t going to change anytime soon!
Also, did their ‘mercilessly killing’ also include the Changelings that they simply imprisoned, not killing whatsoever?
Or are we talking about Discord? Okay, a blow to a character who would have reformed later, but I’m willing to let it slide since that episode didn’t come out when the story was first written. Also, if this is about Discord, how the flying fuck would Ace know about Discord even having a chance to reform. The only one who seemed confident in all that was Princess Celestia and she seemed pretty okay with Discord being sacrificed to appease the Grand Ruler from beating her again.
But Skye has finally had it with her brother.
Finally Skye lost all patience and shouted “It means that there are real creatures that are helping to protect our world and keep us all safe, while all you can do is stuff your face, insult everyone and feel sorry for yourself! I don’t know who you are anymore.”
There’s a metaphor in this sentence somewhere. I just have to find it first.
We cut to our favorite asshole.
No, but I appreciate your thoughts anyway.
Lightning is studying at the library about how to use magic. Spike wonders why Lightning would want to since he can’t use magic like other unicorns, but Lightning explains that he wants to learn about it so he can be tactically ready for such things.
Okay, point for Lightning. That’s actually show some intelligence. Don’t expect too many of those though.
Spike and Twilight then start to talk about what to do about Ace disliking the Wonderbolts.
“Spike, even magic could do that-- which you know it can’t-- you also know as well as we do that it’s not right to force others to think like others.”
Unless you’re the Grand Ruler, in which case, go for it!
Besides…” Lightning said “Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. It doesn’t matter what Ace may say or think about Starfleet or anyone else.
Unless you’re the Grand Ruler, in which case, go for it!
… Yeah, I know. Too soon, but it’s set up so perfectly.
Rainbow Dash goes out to find Skye and talk to her about her brother and that they still care about each other. They are then attacked by one of Chrysalis’s changelings. Wait, how did a Changeling get into New Equestria?! Don’t they have defenses set up so that guerilla forces can’t just come in whenever they feel like it?! I guess the defenses only work until the plot says they don’t!
On top of that, where the hell did Starfleet come from? There was no mention of it in the first story! Yeah, they were a military force, but they never mentioned a space program! Did the Grand Ruler just forget about it when they were battling Titan and the Serpent Tyrant?
Grand Ruler: Good job on defeating Titan, everyone! By the way, I just thought of my old space program that we could have used to help us defeat him.
Lightning: Wait, what?
Grand Ruler: Oh, yeah. It has laser cannons, airships, spaceships, satellite weapon systems; you name it, we got it.
Lightning: Then why are we not using all that stuff?!
Grand Ruler: Well… to be honest… I forgot about it until now.
The Changeling attacks Rainbow Dash and pins her down. This makes no sense since Rainbow Dash has been show to take on an army of Changelings. Now, you might be saying that the Changelings have had more training, but so has the main six! I think that evens it out!
But whatever, the Changeling is about to finish Rainbow Dash off when Ace comes in to save her. … Yeah, a super-powered Rainbow Dash… just got saved by a no-name pony. This should come off as cool, if it wasn’t so fucking pretentious and contrived.
Fortunately, Starla arrives and battles the evil Changeling. Rainbow Dash does a Street Fighter move after she recovers.
Rainbow got up for one last attack! “SONIC RAINBOOM”
And Lightning, for some reason, recalls when he first defeated Discord.
Uh… yeah… Not how that happened.
In the original story, it was Celestia’s ability to use the Uniforce, which still makes no sense, which defeated Discord. Way to retcon that one, story! Taking away a strong female presence just so your dumbass Lightning could show off!
… FUCK! … Chapter… 1… and three shovel hits… I’m going to be dead by the end of this…
Anyway, they defeat the Changeling and imprison him. Ace is pissy about it saying that the changeling is still a living creature and doesn’t deserve to be treated as such. Starla and Lightning assure him that the Changeling will be treated fairly and Ace walks off after making sure his sister is safe.
We then get a… oh, fuck… A friendship letter to Celestia!
They explain the importance of the episode to the Grand Ruler and Celestia. Yeah, how much to you want to bet that Ace and Skye have as little to do with the plot as the one samurai chick from Sailor Moon episode 139? Don’t know who that is? Neither do I.
We then cut to Chrysalis who is now playing the role of Queen Beryl from Sailor Moon demanding more energy from her captain of the guard.
The sad thing about involving Queen Chrysalis in this story is that she’s better portrayed here than in Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures and The Elements Vs Their fiercest enemies.
And then to close out our episode we get…
Pff… Okay, that was pretty funny. … And it gives me an idea…
So, we start our next episode with a purple pony sitting at home.
What? You think it’s Twilight? Ha! You want the story to focus on the My Little Pony characters to justify their existence in this story? … AND YOU THINK I DON’T?!
No. It instead chooses to focus on Kadabra. Kadabra starts to focus on different kinds of magic he can use for his show. Yeah, it’s pretty impressive to use magic in a world WHERE MAGICAL ABILITIES ARE CONSIDERED NORMAL!
I wouldn’t even mind so much if the abilities he had were at least cool or death defying! But no, he has some of the lamest and stupidest tricks in the book!
Like his own top-hat he made it fly, made it change color, and made several birds fly out of it.
Oh, yeah. Changing hat colors is definitely a terrific feat and certainly overshadows the pony WHO CAN RAISE THE FUCKING SUN!
God, Trixie would put this guy to shame.
No there wasn’t, my incredibly sexy love. No there wasn’t.
What the hell was that for?!
…
Nothing? Whatever…
Kadabra ends up casting a spell that brings a mask to life and it flies away. I can only hope that this goes one of two ways. Either it attaches to someone and gets them possessed by a hyper psychotic superhero.
Or it ends up attaching itself to someone and it turns out the mask is a demon and we end up getting a subpar beat-em up.
Either way, I’m going to get my share of gory violence.
We then get a history lesson on the trains in Equestria and how the Grand Ruler has made them so much better. Honestly, it’s just another chance for the story to be preachy, rather than you, continuing the plot.
So, the train is carrying a large golden statue of an alicorn, we aren’t told who yet, but the mask manages to come into contact with it and bring it to life. But the statue decides not to move and lets his handlers um… handle him. Why would the statue not move? It just sprung to life! Wouldn’t it want to move or stretch its legs?! Or not be manhandled?!
I’m going to be very disappointed with this statue character, aren’t Ii?!
Kadabra tries to catch up with the mask, but is unable to track it.
“Where were you, Abra Kadabra? Where was your mind?” he kept saying to himself.
Probably in a ditch somewhere rotting beside Davis and the brains of every other character in this story.
Later, the Unicorns and our main six have a meeting in New Canterlot to discuss the Changeling war.
Rarity simply scoffed “A true lady can never look too elegant and prestigious for anything at any time or place.”
Starla sighed annoyingly. Though she looked a lot like Rarity, it was times like these she was more than thankful she didn’t act like her.
Because Rarity is a stupid character!
I’ll have you know that Rarity happens to be my second favorite character in the show! Ripping off her appearance is one thing, but insulting her individuality and something that makes her entertaining as a character is entirely another! Go die in a hole, Starla!
“The point we are trying to make is this is all merely a reprieve.” Grand Ruler said “Chrysalis is well-aware that her ordinary tactics are proving futile against our forces, and is strategizing a new method of attack. We don’t know how it shall be performed or when the attack will come, but rest assured that it will, and we must be ready for it.”
How do you know that?! You haven’t seen Chrysalis? Is this because of the one random Changeling attack, that is never brought up?! That was one attack! You couldn’t possibly know from one attack! Unless, you are interrogating them, (which there is never any mention of) you shouldn’t have this information!
The golden statue finally arrives in New Canterlot and the group discovers that the statue is alive and wearing the strange mask. Okay, I’m looking for some Grand Ruler gore here! Come on, gore!
Kadabra appears and manages to bring the statue to life with flesh and blood. Okay… now can we get to the gore?
And then the Grand Ruler gives the statue a voice…
Dear lord, this story is just so… dumb.
So, the statue, who they name Goldwin, is now a member of the group. Why? Because we don’t have enough under developed, personality deprived fucktards!
Everypony rejoices. I don’t give a shit and its only episode 2. Yes, this fic has only begun. If you guys value your sanity, you’ll go on with life without me.
There’s a youtube video about what Goldwin is singing, but all I’m thinking is this song.
It’s eerily similar to what Goldwin is.
Our next episode begins with another reason a brony might be upset at this reinterpretation.
“That’s Cadance for you.” Twilight said “The best foal-sitter I ever had.”
“Don’t you mean babysitter?” Lightning asked.
“Oh, sorry…” Twilight said. She was still getting used to her new speech adjustment.
It was "Somebody" not "Some-pony", and all the basic stuff.
Because we can’t have unique speech patterns for our characters… By the way, when do Rhymey and Inquerius come in?
Twilight begins practicing a new spell which can remove foreign objects from the body. Okay, an interesting spell.
We cut to the classroom of Miss Cheerilee and she is rather nasty to everypony she meets. Huh, maybe she finally figured out what story she is in, but nopony else has figured it out yet and nopony believes her. … That or she just read Longest Night.
Cheerilee yells at her students and forces Sweetie Belle to hold up books for interrupting class. There is a reason I’m not ranting and raving over this and I’ll spoil it for you guys in case Cheerilee happens to be one of your favorite characters.
This Cheerilee is possessed by a Changeling. Yeah, pretty fucking subtle there!
Which means, I do have something to rant and rave about.
WHY THE HELL IS THE CHANGELING ACTING LIKE A DICK?! Are you trying to draw attention to yourself?! And yeah, I know Chrysalis wasn’t a paragon either, but Equestria is based on giving ponies the benefit of the doubt! So, when she acted like a dick behind their back, it wasn’t taken as a bad way! And she made herself look like the victim when Twilight accused her, making it easier to manipulate the feelings of others!
This Changeling is downright cruel to the students for no fucking reason! Parents would tear down that school for teachers even looking at their kids wrong, let alone being a bitch like this!
The Crusaders tell Rarity and Applejack what is going on and the two decide to follow Cheerilee to see what’s going on. The group gathers Lightning and the others, because why would Applejack and Rarity be capable of anything without Starfleet, and confronts Cheerilee in the middle of class.
As I said, Cheerilee happens to be possessed by a Changeling.
The Changeling admits that she had been posing as Cheerilee to feed of the students love for her. Which is why she was acting like a complete bitch to them
… Wait, what?
You know what, the more I try to comprehend this tactic, the stupider I will become, so I’m moving on.
They try to figure out a way to get the creature out of Cheerilee’s body without harming her. And then Twilight’s spell comes into play here. She uses the spell to pull the Changeling out of Cheerilee’s body (at this point, I just don’t care) and Lightning captures it in his magic eight ball.
We cut to Chrysalis who is displeased with her captain and her captain skulks away with this line…
The Captain narrowed his eyes and growled softly but fiercely. “Only I’m not going to suffer. Not as much as you will, my so-called queen!” he thought silently to himself.
Huh… So, this is why the rebels of the Changelings attacked in the story with the super long title. Only the changelings in that story were far more intelligent and subtle and they had freaking Predators running around!
Our next episode begins with Buddy Rose’s young cousin, Daphne Dil. Hilarious…
Daphne is nervous about going to her school and Buddy tells her to simply sing a song to calm her nerves. Here’s the song I sing when I’m scared.
What? It works!
When Daphne gets to school, she sees two space alicorns being picked on by Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. What’s that old saying ‘the more things change, the more things stay the same?’
Blank Flanks!” mocked Diamond “And who do you think you are with those silly numbers, escaped prisoners?” Silver Spoon mockingly hollered out for the royal guards “We have two escape convicts. Send them back to jail.”
You know, while I normally condemn such behavior, I’m willing to make an exception if only to stick it to those space alicorn pricks!
Daphne tries to help them, but Diamond and Silver Spoon start bullying her too. The Crusaders, nearby, see what happen and decide to help Daphne.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS TO THE RESCUE!!” they cheered, but before they could do anything the bell rang and it was time for class.
HOW IS IT THAT MYKAN GOT CLOSER TO THE CANON CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS THAN CUTIE MARK CRUSADER LIFE RUINERS DID?! This was actually something I could easily see the Crusaders doing. Point, Mykan.
I feel a little unclean.
“Okay, everyone we have a new student joining us today. This is Daphne Dil; she’s the cousin of Starfleet fighter, Buddy Rose. Now you all remember how difficult it was on your first days so I want you to try being nice to her.”
Like you were when you were possessed by an evil Changeling!
Don’t make me get my shovel, you little brat!
… What is it with my weird obsession with shovels today?
Anyway, Daphne sits next to the Crusaders and the group gets to know her better. Not that we see that. And they become fast friends.
During arts and crafts, Diamond Tiara pushes some more buttons and in a strange twist, Apple Bloom almost becomes violent with her. Daphne is able to stop her, but I just have to wonder where the hell this came from? She’d never shown this kind of behavior in the show before…
Oh, that’s right! I forgot. The story doesn’t care.
So, we finally get to what this episode was building up to… Explaining why the number codes are better than the cutie marks.
“See, I’m an original space alicorn from Unicornicopia. Our entire race originally started when Grand Ruler Celesto created the first ponies by using a combination of DNA and his own magic, and because the Grand Ruler was already too magical to ever get a cutie mark of his own, it’s that same magic that created us space ponies that prevents it. I can’t and won’t ever have a cutie-mark. It just won’t sink into me. That’s why I wear this armor vest with a code on it. It’s my own special mark and identification.”
So, you have a cutie mark? It’s just a different type.
Look, a cutie mark is just a symbol. Let’s put aside the fact that the ponies have a brand on their flanks, with choice words from Mykan saying ‘It is pathetic’. No, let’s get rid of that altogether. If we take away the Cutie Marks, that doesn’t change the characters. The characters would still have to go through the cycle of discovering who they are. The Cutie Marks don’t tell the pony who they are, they discover it themselves. The Cutie Mark only appears when they find that one thing that makes them special. And only after they have found it!
Your number code IS THE EXACT SAME DAMN THING! Just given at a different time! It’s a way to identify your character with that specific number! Now, we may not see it, but I know you do, Mykan! It’s the same with us and the cutie marks! Bottom line, for all your talk about number codes being different from cutie marks, they are the exact same, just from different points of view!
Not one or the other is superior, like you (and original ‘I’) thought it was. The only reason a lot more people think the cutie mark is superior is because you are so determined to make yours better than everypony else’s without seeing the other side!
So, anyway, everypony is so impressed with Daphne’s big speech, except for the only sane ponies, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon and they throw paper wads at her. However, Cheerilee catches them and gives them detention. Again, better than Cutie Mark Crusader Life Ruiners.
Something I’d never thought I say about a Mykan story.
We then cut to the Grand Ruler’s palace where…
The Queen and Grand Ruler finished reading the letter together and both felt proud of the little filly. Grand Ruler especially, knowing that under his pants
WHOA! Dude, I do not want to know what is under your pants! Go to the next episode!
Our next episode sees Pumpkin and Pound Cake at a nursery for a standard check up with the pun (Penny Sillon) play nurse.
She explains that the Grand Ruler wants to have everypony in Starfleet have a shot to keep them healthy. Oh, I’d love to give these characters a shot. A healthy dose of shotgun to the face.
Meanwhile, Rhymey…
“Fluttershy. Oh, Fluttershy?
It’s Rhymey-- your favorite guy.”
Oh… god… I forgot about this… Yeah, in the last story, Rhymey and Fluttershy… They are apparently a couple. … Yes, my favorite character in the show is shipped with the most annoying thing in the history of anything. … Yeah, there’s the kick to my crotch that I avoided from earlier. It only gets worse when you think about how forced their relationship is. Fluttershy and Rhymey knew each other for half a day ,at best, before they decided they were meant for each other. And half of that was Rhymey sleeping or looking for a magic stone.
Anyway, Fluttershy doesn’t answer her door and Rhymey enters to investigate.
Rhymey was no doctor, but from what he knew, he could tell just from looking at Fluttershy’s symptoms-- high temperature, sharp stabbing stomach pains-- it was mostly likely appendicitis.
Sounds more like a doctor than any pony else in this story.
Also, based on the research I did, ponies don’t have an appendix. However, the story does mention this knowledge and that the transformation into a more humanoid like creature has given her an appendix. Which is really weird. What kind of transformation is the Grand Ruler forcing on these ponies? I’m no scientist, but it can’t be healthy to just give and take away vital organs to a living being!
Rhymey rushes Fluttershy to the hospital and Penny explains that it will be a simple operation. My only hope at this point is that Fluttershy suffers a complication and dies.
No, Fluttershy, you don’t understand. I want you out of this story so that you can be as far away from Rhymey as possible. I don’t want you to die because I hate you.
…
…
Just hit me with the shovel…
… ow…
Fluttershy’s friends are worried about her, but Rainbow Dash convinces everypony that she will be alright. Rhymey, however, is still skeptical.
“She really means a lot to me,
All this fear just keeps going through me.
I pray she may, I pray she might,
Soon be all better and things go alright.”
You rhymed ‘me’ and ‘me’?! God, Zecora is reading this story, and shaking her head in shame.
It turns out that the Changelings have gotten to Penny Sillon who is now under mind control and forces the operation on Fluttershy early. Mostly likely to kill her, making me cross my hooves.
Penny gets Fluttershy on the operating table and without warning slits Fluttershy’s throat.
Yes, best day ever!
“Wrong!” Lightning snapped and Twilight’s horn began to glow and revealed that the Fluttershy Penny had killed was nothing more than a puppet imitation.
FUCK!
Yes, earlier Lightning and Twilight had discovered what Penny was planning do to and created a copy of the real Fluttershy to spring their trap. Good going guys. Thanks for making me have to suffer through Fluttershy and Rhymey making out. That’s what I wanted.
So, Twilight pulls the Changeling out of Penny’s body.
A big fight scene ensues, they capture the Changeling and Fluttershy gets her operation. Yay, can I go home now?
So, the Tinman (or Goldwin for those keeping track) is excited when the circus comes into town. Pfft, I’m not. I hate the circus. Don’t ask me why.
Why?
God damnit, Computer! I told you not to ask me that!
The Tinman tries to get everypony to see his act, but they are all too busy.
Goldwin: Mr. Critique, do you want to see me juggle?
Nope.
Goldwin: Oh, I’m sorry, if you’re busy. I can come back later.
Oh, I’m not busy.
Goldwin: So you will watch me?
Nope.
Goldwin: Why?
Because I hate you.
Goldwin: You’re a dick.
FUCK YOU!
The tinman gets so sad that he actually sings to us.
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT STUPID SONG!
Fluttershy and Rhymey end up hearing the song and after the circus, they tell Twilight and the others what is bothering him.
Pinkie Pie comes up with the brilliant idea of putting together a circus for Goldwin since if he leaves the palace than he will turn into a statue. Why? … Because… the gods demanded it. I don’t know.
The Grand Ruler and Celestia agree and they each decide what they’ll be at the circus. Rainbow Dash being a pony projectile and Pinkie Pie being a…
…C… C… Clown… Clown… Clownclownclownclownclownclownclown
Sir?
Clownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclown
Sir, what is wrong?
Clownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclown
Sir?!
Clownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclown
*a robotic arm injects a needle into the Critique’s body*
Clown… Clown… Clown…
***
Sir, are you alright?
… Holy hell… What the fuck happened?
You tell me. I had to inject you with a sedative. Your heartrate was spiking drastically.
Oh… That…
Sir, I nearly had to treat you for shock. What happened?
… I don’t like… clowns… at all.
You are scared of clowns?
It’s not funny! I’m serious! I am fucking terrified of clowns!
I am sorry, sir. I did not mean for it to sound disrespectful.
… I know… It’s just that… When I was a little kid… I played a game I really shouldn’t have. It was an adult game my friend had and I thought ‘You know. It looked cool.’ Well, it turns out there was this clown in the game. And every time you died in the game, he’d laugh. … God, that laugh scared me. I ended up playing it most of the night. And when I finally went to bed, I had nightmares.
He was always chasing me. He’d catch me. He’d laugh. And then I’d wake up. I couldn’t sleep.
And then, like the universe had a cruel sense of coincidence, my father took me to the circus that weekend. At first, I was excited. I had never been to the circus and my dad and I would get to spend some time together. So, I sat between my mom and dad, with my little brother and waited for the circus to start.
At first, it seemed really fun and bright and there was lots of music. And then… we saw clowns… Lots of them. I don’t remember anything after that. But my mom told me that I started to have a panic attack. My father rushed me out of the tent and called an ambulance. Got me to the hospital to treat me. Mom said she’d never seen my father move so fast.
And that’s when everypony found out I had coulrophobia.
Fear of clowns.
You couldn’t even say the word ‘clown’ around me for years. I can talk about them. I can say the word. … But I can’t see them without… you know.
Are you going to be okay?
Yeah… I just… can’t see any more like that…
Sorry, everypony. Just… let’s just move on.
The next day, the group puts on their performance for the Tinman. I would say this was impressive, but I stopped caring at the prologue.
Fluttershy, however, gets stage fright. I would say Mykan was just trying to make Fluttershy look helpless, but she already has that fear in the show, so, there you go.
Everypony panics like they’ve just seen a clown and wonder what they are going to do if Fluttershy doesn’t go on.
SKIP HER, YOU IDIOTS! It’s not like she plays a vital pivotal part in all the show! It’s not like she’s the grand act that you’ve been advertising! You’ve got other acts! USE THEM!
So, to fill in for Fluttershy, the tinman shows his talents. Aww… the Tinman still thinks he can be a main character that I care about. That’s adorable.
So, they perform their act for the crowd and this chapter was a waste of time and I’m sick of this story! And I’m only on chapter 7! There are 19 more chapters of this shit to go! Please! I beg of you, Celestia! I need your strength here!
Next episode, Lightning holds a meeting at town hall.
“And so, to recalibrate-- Starfleet and their allies will do whatever it takes to protect you and our world, but you must play your parts too as well as follow orders set by the martial law. There are three basic rules to follow.
Do you not know what the word ‘recalibrate’ means? Because I think ‘reiterate’ would be better here!
Also, the rules are stupid and contradict each other! Don’t believe me? Of course you don’t! I’ve never lied to you! But just in case there is somepony out there who is dubious, I’ll show you!
Rule One: Do not enter battles.
You cannot get harmed by a battle or the effects of battle if you don’t get involved. When the alarms sound, do whatever you can to reach the nearest shelter before the force-fields activate. If, however, you are unable to reach any shelter in time, stay as far from the danger area as you can to avoid being seen or involved.
Rule Two: Help or hide.
If you do get trapped in the battle area with no means of escape, help out as best as can, if asked so, or just stay out of the way. Leave it to the professionals.
Finally, Rule three: Defeat the villains.
There are three known basic ways to do so: Either by forcing them to retreat. Render them weak enough to capture and imprison them, or heal them, or if and only if the situation truly calls for it and you have the authorization, destroy them! I repeat, this is only a last, and absolute last resort when all other methods fail and with proper authorization.”
GAAAAAAAAAAH!
I feel like my brain is being put in a blender! If you have then retreating from the battle, why the hell are you asking them to fight and defeat the enemy?! The first rule you ask them to do, is to get out of harm’s way! Why would you then tell them to help out in the battle or to battle the villain, when you just asked them to hide if they can’t get out of the battle area?!
The Grand Ruler must have come up with these rules! Because there is no way Celestia would approve of something so completely stupid and makes no fucking sense!
So, Lightning goes into a deep, philosophical conversation about whether it is right to spare the enemy or not! Mykan, bail now! You are not talented enough to have this conversation! You are not ready to have this deep conversation!
some monsters and demons were far too powerful to be contained, and using the power of friendship and harmony to try and reason or weaken them would do no good. Some did not wish to even be redeemed and preferred to carry out their evil ways, while others couldn’t be redeemed even if they wanted to be. Some monsters were not actual living beings but rather a monstrous creation made of matter, organics, or simple objects whose only purpose was to destroy and conquer. “We ourselves, in many ways detest having to destroy other creatures, but it isn’t advisable to let the roam free either at the risk of more innocent creatures and worlds being in danger, and possibly destroyed. We just can’t allow it.
Dude, this is stuff not even I try to touch on! And that is because I know I’m not smart enough to talk about it! What the hell makes you so confident that you could talk about it?!
Oh, and we really get into a huge debate here in this episode with the characters too.
Twilight hated to admit it but she was still a little shaky on the fact of having to destroy creatures. “I know sometimes we have to, but… I still don’t think that it’s right. It makes us no different than they are.”
Krysta hovered near her “Twilight, I like you, but… sometimes I think you really need to wake up and stop kidding yourself.”
Krysta, I am this close from tearing off your wings and tossing you in a trash compactor! Shut up!
And it continues on throughout the episode, that ‘Twilight is wrong’, that ‘sometimes killing your enemy is okay’, that ‘she’s just too dumb and blind to see it.’ Like I said, I am not going to get into a debate of whether killing another, even if it is someone who is unrepentant as the story says, is right or wrong.
I will say it wouldn’t bother me so much, if there was a valid argument with the other side! In this story, as we will see, Twilight is the one who is wrong. Twilight is the one who learns that it’s okay! And she just accepts it! That’s it!
This is not something that is easily solved the way Mykan thinks it is! People have debated back and forth for years and years and years and still have not come up with a concrete answer or a definite solution. I’m not saying this shouldn’t be talked about! This should be talked about and discussed! But it shouldn’t be done by Mykan! Mykan should not be the one talking about this! He is not educated enough on this! This is why this story is worse than the first season! Because Mykan didn’t try to teach us something that he is far too unfit to teach us!
But I’m ranting again, so let’s just move on…
We cut to the Changeling’s lair, where the general decides to put another scheme into action. Translation: sending one monster out into the city. Just like every other villain in Mykan’s stories!
The monster attacks the dam near Ponyville and the group rushes over to try and stop it!
The group tries to overpower it, but it easily shakes them off and continues destroying the dam.
With so many lives in peril, Lightning suggests that they destroy it. Twilight, however, is completely against it.
Now, this would be a big huge dilemma for the group, one that could divide them with a deep philosophical debate.
… Except for one, itty bitty, tiny, little, minuscule, problem that suggests that might not be
YOU SAID THE THING WASN’T ALIVE, YOU IDIOT!
YOU LITERALLY SAID THAT THE CREATURE IS NOT A LIVING BEING! IT’S A MACHINE! IT’S NOT ALIVE! YOU HAVE ALREADY REVEALED TO US THAT IT IS NOT A LIVING CREATURE! SO THE DEBATE IS MEANINGLESS BECAUSE THE CREATURE ISN’T A LIVING THING!
The group learns that it has a glowing weak point under its armor, seriously, I don’t care. And they defeat it.
The captain of the Changelings is not pleased with his results and Queen Chrysalis begins to get suspicious of him.
And believe it or not everypony, we have not even begun to get to the stupid yet. … Yeah… it gets worse.
(Continued in Part 2)
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