In a Cello Mood

Dear Diary,

I am not sure what to feel.

Dan left me at his flat, but not before making me contact Octavia. So Octavia came to stay the night with me - in the purest sense of the word. But I… I felt nothing. I watched her lying on the floor, breathing in her sleep - and I felt nothing. Not a flutter of the heart. Not a tug at the nerve. I was only worried about him.

How valiantly he protected me. How he was the perfect stallion at the date. Did I just say date? I don’t know. I don’t know anything now. The pills I’ve been taking are somehow keeping apathy at bay, but they confuse me. Or maybe life confuses me itself. Or herself? Is life a she? Is this why I thought I was attracted to mares? Because, innerly, I was just attracted to life?

Celestia, we should do less dream therapy. Those associations are getting out of hoof. One way or another, I can’t get Dan out of my head. I… If this is one-sided, this will be hell. What if I don’t really feel anything for him, and it’s just the pills? Or the whatever syndrome that makes the kidnapped feel towards the kidnapper? Or, rather, the saved towards the saviour?..

Octavia has made breakfast, and, for the first time in a while, I’ve been able to talk to her normally. I can see the relief on her face when she realises I am not attracted to her any more, and I can see fear that my attraction will return. I see how she aches to see her marefriend again.

Just as much as I want to see Dan, I presume.

***

Where was he going with her?

Professor Dan closed his eyes and let painkillers do their work. They were dulling his perception of reality - but reality itself had been surreal the past week. He was pretty sure he wanted to defend her. He was pretty sure he wanted to make her feel happy. He was pretty sure he wanted to kiss her on the lips and make love to her all night long.

His eyes shot wide open. Okay, this was just plain wrong. First, he hadn’t really known her for more than a week. Second, she was going through a tough patch in her life, and she needed support, not another calamity. Third, how could he be sure she really liked him back, that this wasn’t the effect of the pills. Fourth, she was a student, and he was a professor! That was outrageous. That was ridiculous. That was-

“Hey, Danissimo!”

With a groan, Professor Dan closed his eyes and tried to turn his head away. However, the headache resurfaced immediately, making him a prisoner of locked-eyes with Vinyl Scratch, who had entered the ward grinning widely, accompanied by Octavia Philarmonica and- and- and!

Beauty galloped across the ward and practically flung herself at the grey stallion, just before noticing that he had an IV connected. The blue mare gasped, placing a hoof against her mouth. “Dan, is it this serious?”

“What?” Professor Dan managed a smile. “Serious?” He waved his hoof in the air. (With difficulty.) “Who’s being serious here. Nothing serious. Just a case of I’m-no-hero.”

“But you are.” Beauty put her hoof on Professor Dan’s hoof gently, stroking the stallion’s fur lightly. “You are my hero.” Then, she leant in very slowly and kissed the grey cheek. Professor Dan wished he could move his head, turn away, to hide both embarrassment and pain, but all he could do was lie there and blush.

“Are you two gonna have sex now?” Vinyl’s voice reached Professor Dan’s ears. “Cause if you are, can I watch? I mean, I’m a filly-fooler but I think you two fucking on a hospital bed would be so hot!”

Octavia’s patented Hoof of Justice landed a perfect blow on the back of Vinyl’s head. Professor Dan suddenly felt very grateful.

“Vinyl, that’s so distasteful,” Octavia chided while Professor Dan sent her a mental thank-you.

“That’s from another show,” Vinyl mumbled while rubbing the back of her head. “Now you have to kiss it to make it better, Tavi!”

“Oh, I will kiss it all right,” Octavia growled, raising her hoof again. “I will teach you some discipline and self-restraint.”

“Which is funny,” Vinyl picked up immediately, “because you are usually the one who loves spanking during sexy times.”

“Oh, sexy times, huh?” Octavia advanced on Vinyl, creating an interesting scene for the little ponies in Beauty and Professor Dan’s heads. “Do I need to remind you who sleeps like a log and turns away from my gentle ministrations?”

“They… They do realise we can hear them, right?” Beauty wondered aloud, blinking at the situation. “It looks like they are the ones who will be having sex here so we better leave.”

“Don’t leave, Bea.”

What the fuck did I just say? The little pony in Professor Dan’s head began to run around frantically and shout, I didn’t just say that! I didn’t just say that!

“Oh.” Beauty blinked.

“Ooh.” Octavia smiled.

“Ohhohoooh.” Vinyl grinned.

Slowly, the two musical mares began to shift towards the exit, exchanging knowing glances. Swiftly, they were gone. Once Octavia closed the door to the ward, Vinyl burst out into laughter. “Damn, how didn’t I see that?”

“Because you are silly.” Octavia kissed Vinyl’s forehead with a tiny peck. “Now, how long should we wait here for those two to be done?”

“Well, I’d give them about ten minutes.” Vinyl shrugged.

“Well,” Octavia retorted, “that’s your standard. Let’s go grab a bite. I’m sure those two have a lot to talk about.”

***

“And then I said-”

“Bea.”

“What?..”

“Bea, listen to me for a moment.”

“Dan, I’m listening.”

“Where are we going with this, Bea?”

“...”

“What are we… I mean, don’t you think…”

“I don’t think, Dan. I feel.”

“Didn’t you ever think you were, uh, attracted to me because of the pills?”

“I did. I still think so.”

“Then maybe we should-”

“Maybe we should try, Dan. Maybe we should see where we’ll go with all of this.”

“...”

“Don’t you like me, Dan? I think you do. And I like you. What’s the-”

“The problem is that it’s so wrong!”

“There is nothing wrong with liking somepony, Dan.”

“Bea…”

“Kiss me.”

“I can’t.”

“Dan, kiss me.”

“I really can’t.”

“If you like me-”

“Bea, I cannot literally lift my head.”

A chuckle. Another one. Mild, good-natured laughter. A blue head on a grey chest. A sigh. Curtain.

***

It’s so wrong. So wrong on so many levels. We cannot fall in love. This is ridiculous. Am I overusing the word ‘ridiculous’? Because that’s ridiculous.

Why the hell did I… Uh! It’s complicated, so complicated. Why can’t life ever be simple? The way she kissed me goodbye… Diary, nopony has ever kissed me with such passion and yet with such resignation. I feel goofy and weird.

Then again, it could be the painkillers.

I have no idea what we’re going to do next. Well, I have. First, deal with Bea’s problems. Then, deal with her father. And then, only then should I have the time to think about myself. Now, it’s all for her.

With that, Diary, I’m going to sleep unless- Oh.

***

Professor Dan hid his diary under the pillow immediately, just as the nurse walked into the ward, holding in her telekinetic grip an envelope. “Thought it would be too late for post?” The stallion smiled.

“This is important mail,” the nurse replied seriously. Then the stallion saw the stamp. “It’s from the Prosecutor’s office, with his personal seal.”

Professor Dan just grinned widely, grinned and grinned till the nurse left and he could finally laugh.

***

The wheels are set in motion, Diary. The wheels have been set in motion.

A genius Professor Dan, November 15th