In a Cello Mood

Dear Diary,

It’s silly, really. I think it’s just the pills. No, it’s definitely the pills. The doctor says it’s my subconscious, but I know it’s definitely the pills. Because why would I otherwise have dreams about Dan, three nights in a row? Nothing lewd, Diary, just weird romantic things like going to the movies, or a restaurant, or, uh, kissing under the rain? Pills, definitely the pills.

Speaking of the pills, I now realise the change they had made over the past few days. Now I don’t feel exactly better, that is, less sad or scared or anxious. But now I know that something is wrong with me and that I need to do something, fast.

Dan has been doing something too, I can feel it. He’s been disappearing for the groceries twice a day, and coming home without the groceries. I mean, coming to his home. Because I am not thinking of this as my home. That would be just ridiculous. Because I like Octavia. And I want Octavia. And I think I am attracted to mares… right?

Right?

***

“How was the recording session?” Octavia raised her head from the book she was reading, something about some weird time-travelling stallion. I wonder if he slept with Princess Celestia, a horny little pony in Octavia’s head uttered. What? She blinked at the other ponies in her head. Come on, I haven’t been laid in a week!

“Not perfect, Tavi.” Vinyl shook her head with a sigh and placed the rucksack in the corner. “It had to be perfect, but it wasn’t perfect.” With another sigh, the DJ plopped on the bed, her eyes closed. “The drum machine just can’t do the job. Neon has a perfect ear but can’t keep the rhythm. I tried the drums, but I lack coordination. Maybe we’ll have to find a session drummer.”

“Mmhm…” Octavia nodded, crawling on top of the tired unicorn. “Riiiiight… I think somepony needs to relax…”

“Oh yes,” Vinyl replied tiredly, “I think I’ll have a long long nap…”

“I think,” Octavia reiterated as she began to massage her marefriend’s back, “that somepony needs to relax…” Even a pony as dense as Vinyl should understand what I’m implying…

“Uhuh…” Vinyl relaxed at Octavia’s gentle ministrations. “Yeah, a long, looooong nap…”

“Vinyl.” Octavia stopped abruptly and put her fronthooves on Vinyl’s flanks. “I am implying that you need some sex to ‘ease you up’.” And so do I.

“I’m not in the mood,” Vinyl mumbled with a yawn that she didn’t care to cover up. “Can you just, you know, haaah, do it by yourself?”

“Vinyl, I’ve been doing this by myself long enough!” Octavia rolled off the white mare, groaning in desperation. “Don’t you want to, you know?, participate?”

“Uh, I’ll join in, start without me,” Vinyl uttered before her breaths grew slower and snores began to escape her nose.

How she can fall asleep so fast, eludes me. Octavia sighed and pulled the blanket over her exhausted marefriend. When I entered adulthood, I didn’t mean for this to happen...

***

“It’s Saturday.”

“Uhuh.” Professor Dan nodded, without diverting his attention from an oh so interesting paperback about a time-travelling stallion and his companions. “Time flies.” He returned to his cereal - which, by now, was all milk and no cereal, but the book was just so interesting and there were robot ponies and why was there suddenly a blue hoof on his hoof?

“It’s Saturday evening, Dan,” Beauty said softly, putting her hoof on the grey hoof, for some reason. Realising her gesture, she blushed and, quickly averting her eyes, took away the hoof swiftly. “I-I mean, I don’t have a doctor’s appointment for today… It’s a while till I have to take my evening pills…” The blue hoof began tracing circles on the table cloth.

“Uh…” Professor Dan began sweating slightly, trying to understand what was expected of him. Ask her out, you idiot! a little pony in his head screamed at him. Ask her out? A student? Outrageous! another little pony retorted. “Um… Want to see a movie?” he suggested, immediately wanting to withdraw that suggestion. Of course he wasn’t falling for her, that would be plainly stupid, he wasn’t drawn to her eyes or the way that she smiled like now or the way that she looked at him with delight in her eyes that he wouldn’t trade for the world or the way her gorgeous nose moved when she spoke or-

“I would love to.”

***

The night had descended over the city beautifully. Usually, it had been a botched, unnatural sight, a ripper slicing the light and throwing on a black canvas; but now, it was a thin, quiet darkness descending upon the world, aiming to claim the city till tomorrow and caress it in its blackened hooves.

Just like he wanted to caress her in his hooves, he realised as the two of them walked home from the movie theatre, looking at her in the light of the lamppost, the way her fur glittered, the way the snow descended regally on her, faintly falling over the street, concealing the darkness with its white, royal light.

This desire was forbidden, terrible, and disgusting; he shouldn’t be thinking such thoughts about her. But such thoughts were… pure. They weren’t bawdy or ledw, they were only slightly passionate, but ever so warm, and the smiles she gave him through the walk, through his speeches about justice and law, about life and time and space and new scientific discoveries, those tiny smiles she had been giving him all this evening, all those side glances-

“Got a light?”

He stopped, standing instinctively between Beauty and the two stallions. “Sorry, fellas, we don’t smoke.”

“Maybe got a coin?”

Advancing. Two of them. No, he wouldn’t be able to fight two… What to do? An old trick, an old solution will do. Okay. Take a deep breath. “Sure, let’s see if I have one in my saddlebags.”

Taking out a bit, he put it on his hoof and flicked it. The two stallions’ attention was immediately drawn to the coin, which allowed him to turn round swiftly and buck the left one in the ribs.

Big miscalculation. Turning to the right one, he thought the left one was done. But the stallion rose, coughing blood. Must be made of tougher dough. One kick landed precisely on his face, shattering a few teeth. He yelped and fell on the snow. The other kick broke his nose, making him snort blood on the thickness of the snow. It was so wrong, to stain the white beauty with red… and her screams were just wrong…

He tried to get up, but all he saw was another hoof landing in his chest. Then another kick. And screams, screams all the way. Then nothing. Not even the pleasant nothingness of fainting. Just the whiteness of the snow and the hard, laboured breathing. Coming from him? Coming from him.

And her. Trying to get him up. “Sweet Celestia, Dan, what did they do to you?”

He coughed, trying a smile. A smile was all he muster; getting up was too complicated. “They… Didn’t touch you?”

“No, Dan, but look at you!” she chided, trying to get him up, crying, tears streaming down her face. “You should have just given them the money!” Finally, she lay on the ground next to him, crying, hugging him, kissing his face and neck all over, crying, crying, crying.

“Well,” he managed a smile. “I am an idiot, you should know it.”

“But now,” she said determinedly, “you are my idiot. Please, let’s go home.”

Those simple words made him take a terrible effort and, shaking, shivering, get up. Leaning on her, he made his way through the windy, snowy street, laughing to himself innerly at how ridiculous this whole thing was.

The thing called life.

***

What did we do? What are we doing? Where are we going with all of this? She’s obviously delusional, she can’t really like me, we’ve only been relatively close for less than a week! It’s scary, it’s ridiculous, it can’t be true. She just felt compassion - which is a good thing - and acted on her impulses.

I’ll talk to her. I know I can’t really find out what I am feeling for her, because it’s so complicated! And I am sure she can’t be feeling what she seems to be feeling for me.

No, this is just wrong. We have to talk it out. But not now. She thinks I am asleep, in my cosy hospital ward, when in reality I spat out the painkillers just to stay aware enough to write this diary entry. Why do I even have a diary? That’s ridiculous.

I’m going to regret this tomorrow. Ouch.

A very beaten up Professor Dan, November 14th