The three days it took to get to Neighsburg were not very good ones. Not only was I sick, from the vast amounts of seawater I inhaled into my lungs, but Buckle Swash WOULD NOT SHUT UP! He was constantly asking me question after question. I didn't see the sun once, as it was storming the whole time. Fucking great, right?

"Good morning Jem!" Oh great it's captain Butt Munch here to give me more chores. I don't feel like mopping the deck again.

"Morning, captain." Man I can't wait to get off of this boat. It shakes so much, I'm starting to believe it's just an oversized kayak.

"We'll be arriving at Neighsburg within the hour, I suggest you get ready to rid my ship of yourself." Well fuck you too cap'n asshat.

"Thank you for everything captain, if there's anything I can do to repay you, please do not refrain yourself from asking." Not a word captain, not a fucking word.

"Oh that's quite alright son! You're a mighty hard worker son." Yeah, okay pal. In the last few days the captain has taken a liking to me, while it's no surprise that he would, seeing as everyone likes me, it's starting to get a little creepy, like I'm the son he never had, or something weird like that.

The moment we arrived at Neighsburg, I ran the fuck away. I don't think I've run this fast since scoring that epic touchdown back in '08, or maybe when my ex caught me cheating. What a crazy bitch, she never put out. What did she expect? I know I never want to see that ship again, and don't plan to.

Currently I'm walking through what looks like town square. I've seen a few of these ponies using gold for currency, I've done that before, but I was buying pussy. I snatched a few from the ground, and stole a pack of 'em off a dipshit little pony trying to reach for something on the ground. Wonder what I can get with 37 gold coins.

"Hey you! Pony!" I said to a weird looking pony. It's even smaller than the other ones, it's a sickly sea green color with piss yellow eyes.

"Ye- yes sir?" It responded.

What can I get with these?"

"Uh, you could get dinner. And a night at the inn?" It said shakily.

"Thanks, now stop being such a pussy and man the fuck up." I flexed my huge muscles causing the little fuck to shrink, and probably shit itself."

The inn... Sounds like a plan.

"You! I want a beer."

"That'll be three bits, sir."

"Here." I threw the bits on the bar.

"How much for a night?"

"Ten bits."

I handed over the cash, and he handed over a key.

"Please, enjoy your stay."

"Yeah, I might."

After three more beers I retired for the night, with one question in my mind. How am I supposed to get pussy with all of these ponies around?

After waking up with an extreme hangover, I headed into town. I walked around for awhile before I came upon a group of what looked to be bipedal canines. I walked up to one of them, intrigued by this weird ass animal.

"Hey bitch, what the fuck are you?"

The canine with which I spoke to turned to me.

"You should ask yourself monkey boy! Ha ooh ooh ah ah! Monkey boy!"

I responded to this by punching it directly in the face. Two of the canines flinched, though the leader remained calm.

"You fight well, monkey boy. We could use a mercury."

"A what?"

"A mercunary."

"You mean mercenary? Fucking idiot."

"Yes, you will make great pay, if you come with me and my fellow dogs."

I pondered this for a second, I could make mone-

"I'll go."

"We head inland now, we're headed to the File River, to meet up with caravan of other dogs. They give us diamond, we sell, split profit."

"Sure, let's go." Like hell I'm splitting profits, I'll split their heads before that happens.

"Good we leave now. By the way I am Rex, these pups are Milo and Spo. There will be enemies on the way that will want our diamonds stay ready to fight."

We've been traveling for three hours, they didn't tell me it was a three day walk. I swear to jesus I wish I had my truck right about now. I kept on the alert, even though we probably won't be attacked until we get the diamonds, I'm not letting this cash get away from me.
"We'll be at camp any minut-"

And we get attacked. Four ponies covered in black. Two pegasus, one normal pony, and one with a... Horn? What the fuck, there are unicorns here? Just how gay does it get.

"What you want with us?" Rex said, growling the whole time.

Milo and Spot are growling, and baring their teeth, ready for a fight.

"You'll be getting diamonds within the next few days, where are they?"

"We won't tel-"

"Wait!" I intervened. "Please! Don't hurt us, I'll tell you! We're meeting the caravan at the lake."

"What lake? Lake Celestia?"

"Yeah, that one." I'm so pulling this out of my ass.

"Thanks for telling us, coward, we'll be getting those bits now." The unicorn said as they turned around and left.That unicorn is beginning to piss me off, I'm going to rip that horn off his head.

The doggies calmed down and gathered their packs.

"You get us out of tight spot, thank you." Rex said

"Yes, we thank Mr. Jem." I looked over, that was the first time Milo spoke, and I'm a mister? Damn straight.

"No problem, let's get moving, I'm hungry."

We arrived at the camp moments later and settled down. We set the game plan, basically consisting of going through a rainforest to reach the Samare Desert, then heading east to the File River

"Sounds like a plan, I'm fucking hungry, what's for dinner?"

"Salad!" They yelled excitedly. I wasn't as excited.

Fuck.

Author's Note

Decided to do another chapter before I went to bed to get a story going.