Chapters Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"And then Rainbow Dash flew up to the stallion and threatened him mighty-fierce!"
"Did he, now?"
"Uhm... Rainbow Dash is a mare , darlin'."
"Oh. Right." I wince. "I keep forgetting." A gust of wind blows down through the massive blue spires of the Northern Sprawl's shopping district. Applejack's mane billows in the breeze as she trots down the sunlit sidewalk beside me. I stay close to her, carefully making sure that nobody steps on this tiny pony wearing a sweatjacket as she half-gallops to keep up with me. "So... uhm... what brought that on?"
"Weren't ya listenin' to me?"
"You're going to have to repeat that last part, sorry."
"Rainbow caught this fella and his pegasus friends oogling Fluttershy up and down!"
"Don't you mean back and forth?"
"... huh?"
"Because you're quadrupeds. I figured it'd make more sense than 'up and down' and..." I sigh and smirk towards the hazy purple sky. "Never mind..."
"Whatever. Long story short, the varmint was bein' a real hound dog and he deserved to be shown some manners! Especially after he and his buddies whistled while Fluttershy trotted by."
"Well, then, sounds like Rainbow Dash had a reason to be pissed."
"Yeah, but t'ain't no excuse to buck a pony's teeth in!"
"I'm... afraid you lost me there."
"Rainbow means well, but when she gets angry—land's sakes you'd better run! Heheheh..."
"I don't get it. Are you proud of her or embarrassed?"
"A lil' of both, I reckon. I respect that Rainbow wants to protect Fluttershy's honor, but it don't make it right to threaten physical harm on another pony."
"Hmmm..."
"What?" She looks up at me. "You don't agree with me?" She suddenly trips and flies forward. "Whoah nelly!"
I jerk my left foot forward like a soccer player, catching her chin before it can collide with the ground. "Watch it!" I swiftly kneel beside her and pull the left sleeve of her hoodie up. "That's the third time today, girl."
"These dag blame'd things keep a'slippin'," Applejack says, cheeks burning as she glances at the wandering pedestrians all around us. "Hope nopony saw that."
"Nobody , AJ. Remember where you are..."
"Eugh! I'm workin' on it! I'm workin' on it!"
I giggle and pat her blonde mane before standing back up. "Don't you fret. It's charming, really."
"Oh yeah? And is my gettin' all tangle-hoof charming too?"
"Nah. More like unnecessarily annoying." I look ahead as we continue our stroll. "I'll have to write an extensive paragraph about the length of the sleeves in my daily report. Hopefully the first line will be capable of auto-adjusting once they take in all my input."
"Could ya ask them to fix it so that I can bring my hat with me next time?"
I smirk. "Sorry, AJ. Until they can increase the storage capacity, all you're arriving with is your birthday suit."
"What does that mean , anyways?"
"Hmmm?"
"'Birthday suit.' That's the fourth or fifth time you've brought it up. Is it supposed to be some sort of inside joke?"
"Uhhhhh..."
"Only suit I'm wearin' is this here jacket. What about y'all?" She glances at a passing woman and her child. "Are ya wearin' birthday suits somewhere beneath yer suit -suits?"
"So , about Rainbow Dash ." I clear my throat. "Did she ever make true to her threat?"
"Hmmm? Oh, Tartarus , no! I bit onto her tail and dragged her into the next street faster than you can say 'apple fritter.'"
"I'm noticing a common pattern."
"And what's that, ya reckon?"
"Well, from the stories you share, you must have bitten onto that poor pegasus' tail nearly two dozen times by now."
"Only 'cuz she's always bitin' off more than she can chew!"
"Is that your opinion, or Rainbow's?"
"I... uhm..." Applejack pauses on a street corner, fidgeting with her sleeves. "Uhhhh..."
I glance down at her as we wait for the crosswalk sign. "Seems as if Rainbow's not the only one among your friends who's loyal." I wink. "At least she doesn't try hopping the fence that exclusively surrounds her Element."
"Look, if I didn't rein Rainbow Dash in a little bit each day , she'd lose her head! I swear!"
"And that sounds to me like the same thing that would happen to Fluttershy if Rainbow Dash wasn't so overprotective of her. "
"Wh-what?"
"We can go now." I point to the signal and briskly step across the street in front of several stalled hovercars. "Come on."
"What..." But Applejack stumbles on the street corner, coughing and sputtering up engine fumes. "Wh-what are... kaff kaff ... y'all tryin' to insinuate... kaffff ... about me?"
I pause, groan, then run straight back. I scoop Applejack up in my arms and carry her across the street before the signal can cycle through. "Not insinuating anything. Except that you might be a bit overprotective of Rainbow Dash, just like she's a bit overprotective of Fluttershy. Nothing wrong with it. As a matter of fact, I think it's rather adorable."
Applejack waves the fumes out from before her muzzle as she rests in my arms. "Speak for yerself. I just don't want Rainbow Dash killin' anypony, all because she's tryin' to defend Fluttershy."
"I doubt she would. But even still, I'm sure your friends are all happy to know that you're always around to keep them safe just the same." I smile as I carry her through a crowded courtyard. "It must be great having someone—er —somepony around with a cool head like yours."
"Erm..." She nods, trembling slightly. "I reckon..."
"Don't you have a pony friend back home who does the same for you?"
"Mrmmmmm..." Her hooves knead against my forearms.
"Well?"
With a sigh, she leans back, nuzzling my chest with the back of her head. "Why do you think I'm always comin' back here, darlin'?"
For a moment, I have no response. I glance aside at the other people walking back and forth. So many bodies, so many minds, and all of them glued to the same invisible tracks.
"Celestia almighty..." Applejack's head tilts back, back, and back. Her mane hair is tickling my chin at this rate. "Yer hometown is huuuuuuuuge ."
I shrug. "The cities on Earth were even larger."
"I find it downright fancy that y'all call it 'Earth.' Any earth ponies like me livin' there?"
"'Fraid not. Nor pegasi or unicorns..." I gulp. "...or much of anything that breathes , for that matter."
"Sometimes I wish the other gals could see this," Applejack murmurs, her eyes sparkling. "I'm plum lucky to be the first... or maybe even the only."
"Well, if the Beta Testing goes off without a hitch, then they just might." I glance up at the brown and amber swirls of Jupiter devouring the purple sky. A hover freight putters by, crossing paths with two stellar cruisers entering the atmosphere with vapor trails. "Still, we don't get any dragons or sea serpents or faeries on this plane. I imagine those might be a sight to behold."
She snorts and guffaws, nearly shaking out of my arms.
"What?"
She smirks up at me. "We don't have any 'faeries' where I come from, sugarcube."
"Yeah, you do!"
"No we don't."
"You've got... those things... those little winged popcorn farts that eat stuff and turn into even more popcorn farts."
"Them things are called parasprites , and you certainly don't see them startin' the fireworks show at any amusement park."
"'Amusement park?' AJ, have you been flipping through the channels of my holoscreen while I'm at work?"
"Uhm..." She bites her lip and looks away, trying not to smile. "M-maybe..."
"That's it. You can walk on your hooves from here on out."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"And so..." I ran a brush through Applejack's golden mane as we sat in the cool breeze of my apartment's lofty balcony. "...after the third and final nuclear salvo laid waste to the bloody continent, an armistice was jointly signed. Eastern Eurasian was handed over to the Chinese with no contest. In the meantime, the scant surviving fragments of the European Union shared police duty of the lands west of the Ural Mountains with the United States. In the end, World War Three cost the lives of about two and a half billion people—most of them dead from radiation poisoning."
"Golly..." Applejack sits up straight in my lap as I smoothe her hair into a rich golden ponytail. "And just to think that all of this mayhem and destruction started within months of the Sucky Olympics bein' held on the same future battlefield."
"That's Sochi Olympics."
"I beg yer pardon."
"It's quite alright. History is lame and boring." I make sure to catch every golden stand with slow, even brushstrokes. "Though I don't mind hearing about all the stuff in Equestria's past."
"Well, t'ain't as excitin' as ya might think." Applejack shrugs. "There's a sorceror. Some windigoes. Celestial Princesses. Bad guys who are plum forgotten about until it's time for them to rear their ugly heads a thousand or so years later."
"For the love of Zoram!" I exclaim. "I think I'd rather have the nuclear warheads."
"There was this one war with the griffons about one hundred years ago. That was pretty dang miserable."
"Oh yeah? How many ponies and griffons died?"
"None. We all fought with magic sparkles and water grenades."
"Snkkktt-hee-hee-hee!" I double over, giggling.
She nearly falls off my lap, turning to frown over her shoulder. "Don't y'all snicker! It was a very serious pony war!"
"Yes. I bet it was." I force her head to pivot forward, facing the purple night sky reflecting off the adjacent skyscraper windows. "Sit still. I'm almost done."
"Hmmmmmmmm..." She inhales deeply, her eyes calmly shut.
"Yeah? What is it, AJ?"
"It just feels right... s-somehow..."
"What does?"
"Havin' somepony else brush my mane like yer doin'..." A beat. She gulps. "Well, not somepony , I guess..."
"You don't say..."
"There's just somethin' about the way you do it. I feel... feel..."
"Pampered?"
"Secure , I reckon is the word I'm lookin' for. Besides, I dun have to fret about gettin' it all right."
"Oh?"
"Y'know just how darn difficult it is to fix yer mane just right when all you've got is yer clumsy hooves?!" She waves her forelimbs for emphasis. "What I wouldn't give to have... have... whatever them wriggly little things are called at the end of yer arms."
"What? Hands? Fingers?"
"Sure. Whatever." Applejack sighs, staring up at the swirling bands of Jupiter. "Don't care what they're called..."
"Just care how they scratch , huh?" A pair of fingers rub underneath her right ear.
"Awwww schucks..." She coos, her left rear leg twitching. "Con sarn it... "
"That's the spot, right?" I smirk, then bring the hand to just under her chin. "Or was this it?"
"Guhhhhh..." She shudders, her tail flicking, thwapping my chest in one swift motion. "That's enough, s-sugarcube!" Applejack nevertheless chuckles. "Ohhhhh golly. At this rate, I'll never leave!"
"Right." I nod, glancing at the tag from where it peaks out the lower edge of her hoodie. "Juice is almost gone."
"Maybe... uhm... perhaps m-maybe next time—"
"Yes, yes ," I pretend to groan in exasperation. "I'll be sure to practice the fine art of ear scratching when the time comes." Then, smiling at my work, I place the brush down and reach to the patio table for a familiar red band. "Now hold still for just a few more seconds..." I take the end of her long mane and tie it neatly with the band, careful not to undo all the hard work. "Aaaaaaand... there." I pick her up and place her squarely in the center of the patio table. "I do believe we're done here."
Applejack turns and stares into the sliding glass window. With a toss of her head, she allows her ponytail to flop freely on either side of her neck until it comes to a rest against the back of her hoodie. The immaculate threads glisten with Jupiter light. Soon, the mare is smiling.
"That's dang-near perfect. Just... perfect ." She trots around and stares up at me with a thankful smile. "So kind of you to lend a... well... a hand..."
"Only because I can."
"Sorry that it was such a fuss."
"Pfft. You kidding? It was my pleasure. I'm surprised your unicorn friends back home don't offer to do the same."
"Yeah, well..." Applejack blushes slightly, toying with the end of the mane in question. "Between you and me, I can't quite get myself to ask Rarity to do the favor. But... uhm... but with you..."
"Right..." I wink. "Well, your secret's safe with me."
"Secret?" She frowns. "Who says it's a secret?! Maybe I fancy havin' a good-lookin' mane from time to time!"
"Then stop messing with it!" I bat her hoof away. "I don't have the time to start from scratch!"
"R-right. I'm mighty sorry." She takes the time to look in the mirror again. "I swear... it's like a river of gold comin' out of my head."
"Hell, AJ, it always is. Don't sell yourself short."
Just then, a rhythmic chime sounds off between us, like some invisible elf is striking a bell somewhere.
"Awwww shoot." Applejack's orange ears droop in a melancholic fashion.
"That's the third time this hour." I get out of my chair and kneel before the table. "We can't wait any longer."
"I know... I know..."
"Besides, don't you have some chores to get to back at home?"
She rolls her eyes. "Darlin', I may enjoy comin' here, but that doesn't mean I'm fixin' to quit the farm anytime soon."
"Well, there's only one way to find out." I reach forward and grasp the strings dangling out from her loose hood. "Ready?"
She takes a breath and nods. "Ready."
"Remember to hold your breath. There's no actual danger of crossing the dimensional gap, but you could very easily pass out if you're not prepared—" I jolt.
She's leaning off the table, hugging my neck and shoulders. I feel the distinct, fuzzy warmth of her cheek nuzzling mine. "Yer too sweet, as always. It's been a real hoot, sugarcube, but I can take care of myself." She leans back with a warm smile, winking. "Okay?"
I stare at her. I nod. "Okay. So long, AJ."
She nods back. "So long, —"
Her lips are still moving when I pull the strings. Her hoodie scrunches up behind her perfectly groomed mane. Almost immediately, there's a low bass tone. The seams of the hoodie flicker with a neon blue light... and then the entire sweatjacket deflates like a loose flag to the tabletop.
Applejack's gone.
It's suddenly very quiet on this balcony. The breeze feels colder.
With a shudder, I stand up, draping the loose hoodie over my wrists. I turn it around and around until I'm grasping the tag in between two fingers. A lit string of digits read: '02%'.
"Heh... just in time."
I slide the door open, walk inside my apartment, and carry the sweatjacket towards the nearest outlet. After a little bit of research for work, I take a shower and sleep, perchance to dream of apples.
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"I swear, my parents named me purely for the sake of irony." Squirming against the side of the glass elevator, my best friend glances worriedly my way. "Don't you think so?"
I sigh long and hard. "I've no idea what you're talking about, Aynrandy."
"Of course you do!" He smirks, bouncing a holographic ball between two gloves as we ride the speeding elevator up the apartment spire in purple daylight. "You're a genius! Why else did they hand the prototype to you?"
"They didn't exactly hand the prototype to me." I flick my gloved hand, briefly checking up on the day's business reports as they floated in front of me. "It was a random drawing, and I happened to be the member of the staff who got to take it home."
"You've been making the best out of it, I bet," Aynrandy said with a sly smirk.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Well, you've been locked away inside your apartment for so long these days and nights."
"So?"
"I doubt the Viking expected you to be so hardcore over a simple beta test."
"Eungh... Ayn..." I roll my eyes. "For the love of Zoram, don't call him 'the Viking'."
"Pfft. Why not?"
"Well, for one, he's our boss."
"And a damn good one at that."
"And for another, it's been several years since he sacked the jerkoff producers of The Gallilean Report on live t.v. He doesn't need more reasons for that reputation to stick ."
"Well, they deserved it. They shoved him out in the cold."
"Yeah, well..."
"Why can't you be more passionate about your job?! For real, though! If I worked with the Viking that close and personal—"
"You don't," I grunt.
"Don't rub it in." The elevator reaches its destination. As the glass doors schwisssh open, we walk out onto the windswept balcony to the sound of seagulls and puttering hovercraft in the purple sky. "The guy's really awesome to work for. I'm lucky enough to get so much as a glimpse of him! But you're bumping elbows in the office on a regular basis! And now you're getting a pony suit?"
"It's called a Trans-Dimensional Void-Skipping Article ."
"Zoram bless you."
"And the only reason I've been allowed to beta for it is 'cuz the boss needs somebody on the staff to get a hands-on perspective on how the product works before we push it for the sponsors on next month's holiday episode!"
He squints at me, juggling his holo ball. "You sure that the drawing wasn't somehow rigged in your favor?"
"Ugh..." I roll my eyes and close the floating browser with two clapping gloves. "And just why would the Vik—er... the boss do that?"
"Maybe 'cuz he likes you." Aynrandy smirks. "Maybe because he knows a potential future show writer when he sees one. Or even an executive producer!"
"Please..." I sigh as I shuffle towards the plain white door to my apartment. "If that was the case, I would have been promoted by now."
"And that's what you want? Eh? Ehhhhh?"
"Meh." I stick a gloved finger out, forming a luminescent key that slides like a ghost into the door's optical pad. "I'm not half as smart as you think I am, Ayn. A lot of times, it's easy to mix up muted ponderings with mulling apathy."
"Doesn't sound like the attitude of someone who just won a free pony!"
The lock to my door clicks loose, and yet I take the time to glare aside at him. "It's not that simple."
"And why can't it be?" He shrugs, smirking. "Zoram knows, I'd love to have a cosmic space pony of my own to cuddle up to and watch episodes of Dances With the Centaurians with."
"Well, give it a year or two, and you can buy your own Article."
"Pffft! Yeah! At—what—a downpayment of forty million beijings?"
"I'm afraid the market value hasn't been set yet."
"All the more reason for me to envy you." He winks as he walks the space down to his adjacent apartment. "Hey, you and I go way back—like... ten years now?"
"Yeah. Just about. So?"
"Statistically speaking, I should be able to guage where you stand as a person. And right now... even through all the seriousness and monotonous bullshit?" He slaps his holoball against the wall, smashing it into a translucent key that he snatches in between two gloved fingers. "You're clearly the happiest I've seen you in a lonnnnnng while." He winks.
I blink.
"Smell you later." Aynrandy enters his apartment and is gone.
I pause there, shuffling where I stand. A stellar cruiser roars overhead, causing a few martian centipedes to skitter in and out of hiding of the building's cracks. With a groan, I walk in and shut the door behind me.
I lurch into my room, stripping my gloves off, feeling a slight shiver upon the neural disconnect. Holstering them on the pegs positioned atop my bedside table, I shuffle towards my walk-in closet. My head turns as I glance at the tiny-tiny article of clothing that's draped over the end of my vanity.
The blue hoodie lies still, its seams glowing with rolling pulses of neon light. I spot where the paper-thin cord is connecting it to the wall outlet.
I come to a stop, fingers flexing and unflexing. Eventually, with a defeated sigh, I walk over and pull the bottom part of the hoodie inside out, examining the tag: '95%'
"Hmmm..." I smirk to myself. "Faster than last time." I turn towards my closet again. "The quantum batteries must be acclimating to the power drain—"
Just then, the dim bedroom lights up with a lightning pulse of blue. I hear a chiming sound.
I turn towards the hoodie.
It pulses again, once more accompanied with the chime. I see the pouch pocket remaining lit while the rest of the jacket goes dark.
My heart races. I dash over, straighten the hoodie, and—holding my breath—reach a hand into the pouch pocket. I fish around for a bit, licking my lips in the process. At last, my fingers brush up against something. I pull out a wadded-up piece of paper. Unfolding it, I can clearly see words scribbled across the sheet, but it's too dark to read them.
Grumbling, I slap my elbow against a switch on the wall. A square-section dissolves, revealing a window to the sprawl. Purple light wafts into the room, illuminating the sheet in my grasp. Adorably messy hoofwriting reads: "Done with Apple-bucking. I even took a bath this time. Did y'all want to hang out?"
I smile. I look across the room to my desk. I walk over, place the sheet down, and strip loose a page from a square notepad. Using a pen, I write a line or two in cursive: "I just got off from work. Sure, I wouldn't mind having you over for a bit. Just message me when you're ready."
Once done, I fold up the paper, walk back to the vanity, and slide it into the pouch pocket of the hoodie. I give the tag a good tug. The pouch flashes bright blue, then dims. All is still.
I lean on my left foot, then on my right. Rather then wait, I turn around and grab some dirty laundry from the closet. Throwing them into the sonic wash, I fiddle around the apartment a bit, watering the plants in the kitchen window, filing some drives away in digistorage, dusting off the top shelf of an unused bookshelf... for no apparent reason.
I hear the chime from clear across the room. I practically book it through my apartment, having to slide to a panting stop before the balcony. I catch the hoodie just as the pouch pocket is dimming. Quietly, I reach in and fish around until I find a second wad of paper. Unfolding it to the purple daylight, I spot the words: "More than ready whenever you are, sugarcube."
I smile. Carefully, I snap the power cable free from the lower hem of the hoodie. I pick the article up, look around, then decide on the bed. Kneeling before it, I spread the article out, its sleeves stretched at full length. Then, after taking a meditative breath, I grab the neck of the sweatjacket... and pull in opposite directions. The strings retreat into the loosened hoodie. As a result, there's a deep bass tone, and not long after—
It almost looks like her mane is the first to materialize, but I know that it's just an optical illusion. In an unfolding orange shadow, a tiny pony fills the hoodie to capacity. Barely a second after her limbs have solidified, I gasp—for she's pouncing on me and giving my upper body a deep hug.
"Howdy!" Applejack chirps.
I giggle and pat her shoulders through the hoodie. "Howdy yourself!" I push her back so that I can see her smiling, freckled face. "Wow, someone is certainly... uhm... bouncy..."
"Can ya blame me if I can't help it?" She winks. "I haven't seen ya in forever, darlin'!"
"Applejack." I smirk slyly. "It's been barely two Galilean days."
"Like I'm even supposed to know what that means! Shoot, I missed ya somethin' fierce, sugarcube."
"Heh... alright, alright—"
"Pssssst..." She looks all around as if we're being watched by hidden spies.
"What... wh-what are you whispering for?"
She motions with her orange hoof.
So I lean forward to the edge of the bed.
She plops down on her haunches, digs her hooves into her front pouch, and pulls out a wad of paper sheets. "Take a gander at what I snuck into the hoodie on my end before you 'ported me over here."
"Huh?!" I squint, then sigh. "AJ... we've talked about this. They don't want you smuggling stuff in from Equestria while I'm beta testing."
"T'ain't smugglin'!" Applejack frowned. Then smirked. "More like snugglin'! Or at least pictures of snugglin'!"
"Uhhhhh..." I raise an eyebrow. "Do I need an adult for this?"
"Oh, quit yer sassin'! I'm only talkin' about photos of my best gal-pals and I!"
"Wait... you didn't..."
"I sure as sugar did!" She chuckles, tossing her mane back and showing off the pictures in her grasp, fanning them out like a deck of cards. "Finally! You get to see what Twilight and Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie and the rest of the gang looks like! Bet you've never seen the photo of a baby dragon before neither!"
"Uhhhhh..."
"Oh, don't use that tone of voice with me! Spike may be a frumpy little varmint from time to time, but he's a sweet feller with a heart of gold!"
I giggle and pull one photo from her stack, turning it around so that she can see. "Does he look at all like a giant black slate?"
"Huh?" Applejack gasps, giving the sheet a double-take. "What in tarnation?!" She glances at the rest of the photographs, saddened to see that they too are nothing but black sheets. "Awwwwww dog gone it! What in the name of apples and oats happened?!"
"And that's why they don't want you bringing stuff here with you, AJ," I say, giving her chin a friendly little scratch. "I'm sure they were good photographs, and I hope you had copies—because their chemical composition didn't survive the cross-dimensional jump to my home."
"Well, whallop my wither..." She tosses the sheets behind her and fwomps onto the bed, ears drooped while she sad-faces. "I feel plum stupid. I figured I'd get a chance to let you know what my best friends look like."
"Well, maybe not all's lost."
She perks up instantly, ears twitching. "Really? H-how?"
"Well, I could fire up the holo-emitter and see if the computer can scan the photos and come up with a salvageable pattern."
"You think so?!" She hops up, blond tail flicking happily behind her hoodie. "Well, time's-a-wastin'! Let's get down to it!"
"Heh... I have to get down to it." I pluck my gloves from their pegs on the bedside table and grab the spilled photos. "You, on the other hand, make yourself at home."
"Uhm... s-sure thang!" She lingers at the edge of the bed, wriggles her hind-quarters, and carefully hops down onto the carpet so that she's trotting after me. "In the meantime... uhm... I reckon you dun have anymore of that wonderfully tasty red stuff in the refrigerator..."
"What, the Neo Hawaiian Punch?"
"Erm... y-yeah..."
"Don't be so modest. I buy that stuff especially for you."
"Yeeeeha! I mean... erm... if you dun mind me havin' a sip or two. The stuff's nectar, I swear to Luna."
"Heh. If you say so..."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
I sit on the sofa, chewing on my bottom lip as I flick my gloved hand, creating a virtual lens that then proceeds to scan another black sheet of photogenic paper from top to bottom.
"Come on... come on..."
I glance to my left where I've positioned a translucent screen to hover at eye-level. Slowly—line by line—the vague image of equines gather together in a group shot. Regardless, despite an entire hour of work, the photo remains dark and obscured.
"I nearly had you clear on the last try. How am I screwing things up this time?"
I hear tiny hooves scampering across the carpet.
I glance over.
Applejack trots up, sweat pouring down her orange coat. She carries a red ball in her mouth. With labored steps, she drops the sphere at my feet, wipes her golden brow, and stammers, "Finally! It took me forever, but I caught 'em!"
"Hmmm?" I glance between her and the work I'm doing to scan her photographs. "Caught who?"
"This here lil' guy!" She frowns at me, pointing at the red ball. "I don't know what got in 'em! But he just plum took off to the far end of your apartment, like he was guilty of somethin' and had to go run and hide!"
"It'd be a shame to hide something from honest Applejack."
"Are y'all tryin' to patronize me?!" Applejack stomps her hooves. "I'm tryin' to tell ya that he's up to somethin'! And it's thanks to me that he's been caught!"
"Applejack, don't you know that he is just a little cat toy that I bought from the supermarket on the way home from hovertransit?"
"Ha!" Applejack smirks slyly at me. "Oh please, darlin'. I know I may not be used to yer world n'all, but as if I'd actually be delirious enough to think that—"
I pick up the ball, pull my arm back, and toss the red thing—bouncing—clear across the apartment.
"Oh no you don't!" Applejack shouts. On thundering hooves, she scampers across the apartment, storming after the bouncing ball. "C'mere, you!"
I smile, returning to my work. "Almost had it. What was the screw up? Come on." A sigh. "I really shouldn't have updated the firmware to version 1585.4. Friggin' software companies trying to monopolize my intestines inside-out—"
Just then, the colors invert, and I start to make out faces, muzzles, fuzzy ears and sparkling eyes. I feel my body freezing in place. Swallowing hard, I slowly rotate my gloved finger, turning a virtual dial with tiny adjustments of the picture's contrast and color.
The image on the screen goes through the whole spectrum. At last, the ponies in the frame become clear—along with three fillies and a tiny bipedal reptile with petite spines.
The first thing my eyes are attracted to is a winged pony with an ocean-blue coat and a mane that runs the whole gambit of the color wheel. I can already guess what her name is. Just to her side is Applejack, and her hoof's draped around a foal with a red bow in her matching crimson mane.
"Apple Bloom..."
I smile. I can't help it. I was born to smile... to grin upon looking at this... this scene unfolding before me. I spot a pale white unicorn with painted eyelids, a delicate pegasus with a flowing mane, a book-smart unicorn with a bashful expression, and at last a fluffy pink thing with dazzling blue eyes.
"I can only guess which one she is." I hear myself giggle. I hear my heart beating through my spine. This is another world. It's always been another world, something I've been made privy to, one hug at a time, and carried along the rhythmic twang of Applejack's pleasant voice. But this is somehow different... like a beautiful accident that frolicked my way. It's a portal to a place where the measure of joy is different, along with the scale for suffering. It bedazzles and frightens me all at once, but all I can do is smirk. There is no envy. No regret. Just a warm toasty feeling deep inside that spreads and spreads and...
"Whew-wee!" Tired hooves shuffle across the carpet. "Ptooie !" She spits the ball down between my feet and glances up, breathless. "I was onto him! Took me only half as long this time! But still, the darn feller's rambunctious, I tell ya! Reckon you should put 'em on a leash or—shoot —at least buy 'em a cage or somethin' else to keep 'em from—"
I pick the ball up and toss it across the apartment again.
"Oh no you don't!" Applejack growls, immediately galloping after the thing. "Come back here, ya little varmint!" Her hooves skid over the tile as she scampers around the hallway corner.
There be giggles.
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"And what's the name of the little squirrely one with the pink surfer hair?"
Applejack giggles. "Hmmm... Scootaloo."
"Scootaloo?" I smile, gazing at the translucent projection of the scanned photos levitating ahead of us. "Now that's a name that deserves a hug."
"Reckon you could say that about the filly in general."
"Why's that?"
I feel Applejack's body deflate with a sigh. I continue rubbing her fuzzy belly through the hoodie as she lay with her head draped across my knee. "Let's just say that not everythang is all sunshine n'rainbows in ponyland."
I wince. "Sorry."
"Don't be, sugarcube. You learn somethin' new everyday."
"Did she have a rough... uhm... foalhood or something?"
"More or less. But the lil' darlin's happy now... and she's best friends with Apple Bloom."
"Your little sister."
"Yup. Brings warmth to my heart to see them scamperin' around and bein' all happy-like." Her freckled cheeks turn rosy. "Whatever may be behind Scootaloo, it don't rightly matter. Apple Bloom's doin' her best to make the girl smile everyday, and that's what matters."
"Bet you're really proud of her."
"Darn tootin'."
I flick my gloved hand, and the projection cycles through to another picture. We see stripes, stripes, blue eyes, and more stripes. "And... uh... just who's this pony when she's at home?"
"Heehee... that there's Zecora."
"She's a zebra."
"Ya noticed, didn't ya?"
"I... uh... I don't see any other zebras in these pictures."
"That's because t'ain't none. Zecora's the one and only."
"What, in all of Equestria?"
"No, ya lughead!" Applejack swats me with a lazy hoof. "In Ponyville!"
"Ohhhhhh..." I nod with a smirk. "Guess that makes sense."
"Yeah, she's a medicine doctor who hails all the way from... uh..."
"From where?"
"Darned if I know. 'Zebraland' or somethin'."
"That sounds very—"
"Lame, I know."
"She looks so serious." I continue rubbing Applejack's belly. "Lemme guess. Zebras never smile in photographs."
Applejack giggles.
"Well, am I right or am I right?"
"Yer silly, that's what. Zecora's just... got her own way of expressin' herself. But that's all fine and dandy. Everypony's different. Same thang with Maud."
"Maud?"
"Er... Maud Pie. Pinkie's sister and possibly a distant cousin of mine."
"Distant cousin? I thought you and Pinkie were—"
"Friends, I know. But there's reason to believe we may be related by blood. Don't matter none." Applejack squirmed against me, closing her eyes as her warm throat produced a gentle trilling sound. A pair of forelimbs curled comfortably to her chest. "Mmmm... Pinkie's an apple to the core. She's more than family to me."
"Something tells me, if you had your way, you'd make everypony a member of your family."
"Not too bad an idea from where I'm lookin'."
"I'm guessing all the people—er... ponies in peopleland—I mean... damn it !"
"Heh heh heh heh!" Applejack guffaws.
I roll my eyes and give her a loving scratch under her soft chin. "You know what I'm saying."
"Do I?"
"They all look up to you and stuff."
"Mmmm... reckon so. I've built quite the reputation of bein' loyal... dependable..." She pauses to yawn... then yawn some more. "Nyup ... n'stuff..."
"Heh... funny..."
"What is?"
I flick through a photo taken of her with her rear hooves blurringly assaulting an apple tree. "I've heard so many stories of you tackling apple harvests single-hoofedly." I flick to an image of a smiling dragon posing next to a lavender unicorn. "Not to mention taking on monsters called 'timberwolves...'" I flick to a photo of Applejack doing push-ups with a blushing yellow pegasus draped over her back. There's a trophy positioned to the side labeled "Iron Pony." "And yet..." I say, "Whenever you come here, it's like you're a purring kitten."
Applejack blinks. She blows a few blonde bangs out of her face and squints. "A purring what-now?"
"I'm just saying—you're almost as dainty as they come."
"Are ya pullin' my tail?" She picks herself up on wobbly legs and sits up straight, glaring up at me. "I'll have ya know that I've fought changelings, tangled up chaos vines, and bucked diamond dogs back to the stone age! I ain't no pushover, sugarcube! Why, I'm one lean, mean, apple-buckin' machine! And the moment I ever see myself becomin' soft, why I'll—"
Her eyes widened and her tail started flicking rhythmically.
"I'll... I'll..."
"Hmmm?" I smirk at the pony on the receiving end of an ear-scratch. "You'll what?"
"I... I..." Her tired eyes flutter shut as she tilts her fuzzy head towards me so I can reach behind the lobe. "R-reckon I'll think about it later..."
I giggle, holding a hand over my chest.
"Hrmmph..." She snorts. Her tail thwaps like a gavel against the couch cushion. "I didn't tell ya to stop."
"Ahem." I reach back and scratch her ear and the back of her head while she coos breathily. "My bad..."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"Applejack?" I shuffle across the apartment, slipping on a jacket and fumbling for my belongings. "Hey! Applejack? Where'd you run off to?"
Silence.
With a slight groan, I wander to the four corners of the living room. At last, I find my missing glove lying on the edge of a table.
"Praise Zoram. For a moment there, I thought she used it for a friggin' bridle. Applejack?!" I pace back and forth across the apartment while slipping the glove on. "I have to go out for a bit! There are some errands I gotta run before the end of the next Gallilean rotation! Where'd you gallop off to, girl?"
More silence.
"It's been fun, but I think I'd better send you back home! Who knows how much juice is left in the article and..." My words trail off. I turn around.
The door to my bedroom is ajar.
I blink. With quiet steps, I walk forward and lightly push the door all the way open. "Applejack?" I step inside the dim room. "Applejack, are you in here—?"
I stop in my tracks.
There's a blue-and-orange shape curled up in the middle of the bed, incidentally right on top of a heap of t-shirts, pants, and socks. Applejack's body slowly rises and falls. Her freckled face is locked in a perpetual smile.
I walk over, lean against the bedpost, and sigh. "Well..." A dull smile. "Looks like you found the laundry."
There's no response.
With a defeated breath, I lean over and carefully finger the hem of the hoodie against her orange coat. I pull the tag out and read the flickering numbers: 07% .
"Sorry, AJ. But it's best you got sent home peacefully instead of letting the quantum fissure drop you like a bad habit." That said, I reached for the strings dangling out from the neckline.
"Mmmff..." Applejack murmurs something unintelligible and turns over, burying her soft muzzle in between her forelimbs. The strings are next to impossible to grasp now. At least, not without waking the little pony up.
"Nnnngh... God's hooks..." I prop my chin against my palm as I lean on the bed. After a few seconds, I smile, then rush out of the room.
After a bit of rummaging, I walk back in carrying an extension cable. I blow dust off the wormy thing, unravel it, and plug it into an outlet. I then run the other end onto the bed, loop it around Applejack twice, and plug it into the tagpiece at the hem of the sweatjacket. I watch the thing quietly for a minute or two, careful not to wake Applejack up. Not long after, I see the number blip to: 08% .
"Yeah. That'll do." I turn to leave, but pause. "Almost."
I reach into the pile of clothes, pull out a large t-shirt with my broadcast's production logo on it, and drape it gently over Applejack's figure like a duvet. Her ears twitch, twitch again, and are still. She curls up happily under the blanket and continues slumbering away.
"You made that bed..." I wink as I flick a glowing key into existence and march towards my front door. "Might as well lay in it, girl."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"Of all the trans-matter markets in all the world, you walk into mine."
With a sigh, I glance aside at him. "I swear, Aynrandy, are you stalking me?"
He smirks from the other side of the aisle. "Now that wouldn't make me a very good gentleman." He twirls a scan card between his fingers while easy listening music warbles through the speakers of the store overhead. "It's a small Sprawl, sweetheart. What's got you into a shopping mood?"
"Believe it or not, I've got a stomach, neighbor ."
"Hey heyyyyy... just a question. No reason to go Jeffrey Dahmer the Second on me."
"Oh please." I roll my eyes and chuckle. "The clone was nothing like the source."
"Yeah, well, his pop songs made me wanna execute him all the same." Ayrandy points across the store. "Oatmeal is in the section thattaways."
"I'm not shopping for oatmeal," I say, grasping one card after another off the rungs of the shelf in front of me. "It's Internet dinners for me, thank you very much."
"Don't you have a pony to feed?"
"Ayn, we've been through this." I glance up at him. "According to the rules of the contract, I'm not allowed to feed her anything from this plane. I mean... until some further research is done, who's to tell what kind of horrible side effects she might endure?"
"You've gotta be shitting me."
"Hell, no. You think she's some kind of test subject? She's got as many rights as you or me."
"Pffft! What's the Testing Council so afraid of? Montezuma's Revenge on an omniversal scale?"
"Something like that. I'm sure."
"I still don't see why—like—you can't at least feed her an apple or something."
I giggle. Then I giggle again.
Aynrandy raises his eyebrow. "What's so funny, buddy?"
"Believe me, Ayn..." I take a handful of cards and walk over to the processing wall. "Where she comes from, she's got her fill of apples."
"I bet she's got stories to tell." Ayn shuffles behind me. "Hell, maybe I can come over and she can tell me herself!"
"Damn, if you aren't persistent." I slip the first of many cards into a slot beside a translucent screen.
"Just because I want one really bad!"
"What, an apple?"
"A pony , you Zoram-damned nincompluto!" He chuckles. "You practically radiate with happiness as of late. If I could somehow get half-as-much cheer in my life..."
"Ayn, it's not just about being happy," I say. With tired eyes, I watch through the screen as a series of metallic arms lower down with pinpoint lasers and ribbon a frozen package into existence from the outside in. "It's about bridging communication from our plane to theirs. It's about sharing knowledge and prosperity and extending a hand of peace and comfort and—"
"Soooooo... what you're saying is—"
"Nnnngh..." My head slaps against the processing console "Okay, so maybe it is all about happiness."
"Ha! See what I'm getting at? And you know what? I totally get it! Since day one when they announced testing!" He tosses his card up and curls his wrist around to catch it oddly behind his back. "That's why I just recently threw my hat into the mix!"
I blink, then turn to squint at him. "What do you mean?"
"Haven't you heard, pal? They're initiating a second wave of testers. No doubt based on the data you've given them. Version 0.035 is what they're calling this line of articles! And apparently there's gonna be at least two dozen transfers! Talk about good odds, huh?"
My lips purse. I stare into the hazy bright glow of the shop. "Is... is it all within the company?"
"Pfft. Please. Like the Viking could afford that big a piece of the pie. Nah, this is for the whole network. Apparently there's a huge contract signed with the big cybercheese at the top. If this thing hits it off, it could mean an enormous financial boom for the entire moon!"
"Huh..."
"Finally, we can have something to rub in Io's uptight faces and..." Aynrandy pauses to blink at me. "Hey. What's the matter?"
"What? Oh... uhm... nothing..."
He smiles gently. "Awwwwww. Don't look so sad! What, did you think that you and your pony were going to be the sole pioneers forever?"
"Well..." I sigh towards the processor. "Kinda..."
He places his hand on my shoulder and gives it a loving squeeze. "Nothing about this makes your little friendship any less special, ya hear? I mean—think about it—what this really means is that your cantering gal pal can maybe bring her friends over to see the sights and sounds of this place too! Wouldn't that be smexy?"
"Yeah..." I smile faintly as the food package finishes processing with a ding! "I guess so..."
"Well, I know so!" Aynrandy gives my shoulder a final squeeze and backs up, waving "laser guns" with his pointed fingers. "And just you wait! One of these days, I'm gonna out-cute you at twenty paces!"
"You've got quite the deficit to make up!"
"Ow! Owwwwwww! You wound me!"
"Heh... see you tomorrow morning."
"Wouldn't miss the hoverbus for anything in the world!"
He leaves, and I grab my food and put it in a carrying case. After a few more cardswipes, I collect all of my groceries, pay with digital beijings, and shuffle my way home. It's a long and lurching stride that takes me back to my apartment. I'm no longer hungry, and the weight of the food in my container almost anchors me to the ground.
My mind flickers back to the first day, when I was summoned to the office and greeted by one of the project's lab technicians. I remember feeling very awkward, nervous, and even a bit scared. All of that changed weeks later, when the last of several messages were transferred beyond the rift, and the article was used to its full potential for the first time. She appeared in a flash of golden light. There were no less than twenty scientists in the chamber, and yet somehow—I swear to this day—the first and only person she smiled at was me.
Since then, I must admit, I've felt something. All my life, I believed that I was just one among billions on this moon. The labor and grind of my work had only magnified that sensation in recent years. But recently, when I see her innocent face, hear her guffawing laugh, or feel her sleeping smallness in my embrace—I feel like I'm just one soul in the universe, and she's a soul from another. And it's unlike anything I've ever been a part of before. And the reason for that, I feel, is because—for better or for worse—we are two of a kind, and very blessed and lucky to be so.
But now, that fortune and luck is spreading. I suppose I've always known this, just as I've known that good things—even the best of things—can't last forever. I've never really given it much consideration, to be honest. It's not that I've had no reason to, it's just that I'm so damn distracted with being happy to contemplate feeling sad. Especially lately. Maybe that's what my existence has long needed. I wonder if it's the same for her.
Nahhh...
That's a stupid thought.
She comes from a land of Galloping Galas and birthday celebrations and Winter Wrap-Ups. What more could she possibly want than what she already has?
And suddenly, I'm at the door to my apartment. I wonder if Aynrandy's gotten back yet next door, or if he's still bouncing around from street to street, bragging to everyone in the Sprawl about an opportunity he only thinks he's gotten.
Ew ... is that jealousy rumbling in my stomach? Yuck. I gotta get inside. I gotta...
As soon as the door opens to my holo-key, my face is assaulted by a throng of bubbles. I double-back, blinking, then stroll briskly into my apartment... where I find more bubbles... and more and more and more.
They're all emanating from the kitchen. The scent of soap tickles my nose. Naturally, I head towards it.
"Wait! J-just wait for one cotton-pickin' second!" A series of tiny hooves pitter-patter across the carpet. Applejack skids to a stop in my shadow. She's panting, and I see that her hoodie is thoroughly damp in several places. "Okay, now y'all have every reason to be mad at me. And I dun rightly bl-blame ya. If I c-came home to somethin' like this, I'd be plum ticked-off too! But first just allow me to explain with the honest-to-Celestia truth."
"Uhhhh... Applejack?" I slowly place down the bag of foodstuffs and squint towards the far end of my apartment. "Why's there a bubble bath in my kitchen?"
"So I woke up with this comfy blanket spread all over me, not to mention this here hoodie was bein' charged to full juice n'all. So I figured you had done somethin' nice instead of botherin' to wake me up from my nap. I wanted to return the favor, and so I thought 'Shucks, I bet that there washin' machine hasn't been scrubbed in forever!' So I fetched me some soap and a few gallons of water from the fancy spicket in yer kitchen and... erm... well..."
I'm already walking into the next room. I have to brace myself against the walls or else my feet will instantly slide across the tile floor. Right now, I'm gawking at a winter wonderland of soap suds and frothy bubbles.
I hear her voice behind me, and the drawl has mutated into a stretched whimper. "Ohhhh shoot. I've done messed up big time, haven't I? I swear, when I clean up around the house at home, nothin' like this ever happens!"
I can't help it. This is a marvel of freakystance. I simply stand here, gawking at the sea of bubbles as it actually spreads . "It's a sonic washer, Applejack," I stammer like a sentry of Jupiter. "You're not supposed to get water or soap within a mile of it."
"And I figured that out! Problem is, I figured it too late." I hear a shuddering sound. I turn to see her grasping an invisible hat to lower it to her chest. "Land's sakes, if I dun feel like a clumsy little dragon whelp havin' messed up a simple task real bad." She sniffles. "I know yer mad. It's alright to be mad." Those green eyes turn misty for the first time since I've seen them. "If... if it'll make thangs any better, I'll... uh... I-I'll just leave..."
Suddenly, she gasps. It may have something to do with having been scooped up in my arms.
"Applejack, there is no way in all of Ganymede that I could be mad with you," I say, holding her close and running a hand through her mane. "Do you hear me?"
She sniffles again, biting her lip. "You mean... you ain't mad?"
I smile. "Not even remotely. Besides..." I glance aside and suppress a giggle, failing. "This—heehee —is pretty damn funny."
Applejack gulps, wipes her cheek, and gives a freckled smile as she lies with curled hooves in my arms. "It's almost... almost l-like I let loose a wild herd of windigos in yer kitchen, huh?"
"Heh heh heh heh... hehhhhhh..." I sigh through a drunken smile. "I have no friggin' clue what that means."
"For real? Well, then me either!"
"Liar."
"No, honest—" Applejack's eyes cross as she's suddenly the recipient of tickling fingers against her hooves. "Aaack! Tarnation! Quit it, you!"
"Liar, liar, saddle on fire!"
"But I don't—haah haah —wear a—hee hee —saddddle!"
"Well, you certainly don't wear a halo."
"Awwwww... now yer just bein' cruel."
"Hee hee hee..."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"Need another towel, AJ?"
"Uhm..." Applejack sits on the end of my sofa, bundled in two fluffy cloths already. "Thanks, but no thanks. I believe this is all fine and dandy."
"Alrighty, then. Feeling any drier?"
"Sure thang. Not sure why yer so worried about me, though. After all, it's the hoodie that I got soaked when I tried to clean yer dishwasher."
"Well, I could go dry the hoodie, but I can't without taking it off of you. And we both know what would happen if I did that."
"Erm... right..."
"Unless, of course, you want to be tossed violently back to your world where you might land randomly on a rooftop or a treebranch—"
"Eheheh... no thanks, darlin'. I get enough of tossin' around whenever Rainbow decides to buzz me and my orchards."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Y'all heard me. The little devil likes to swoop by real fast when I'm in the middle of apple buckin'. She may be a petite little thang, but she goes so darn fast that her flyby's have a habit of pickin' me clear off my hooves and throwin' me halfway across Sweet Apple Acres. Whew-wee!"
"Wow. Rainbow Dash sounds like a grade-A rectum."
"Awwwwww—she's alright. I might get plum angry with her from time to time, but she's always a real hoot to have around."
"Even when she turns your world upside down?"
"Well, that's one of the many thangs you gotta take in stride about havin' a real loyal companion. On some days, she might be the most helpful marefriend you could ever call upon. Then, on other days, she's a royal pain. But at least y'know y'all can count on her to be by your side through thick n'thin."
"So, in the end, you're not even mad at her?"
"Heck, no! Rainbow Dash is plum awesome!"
I walk into the room, drying my hands with a towell as I smirk. "So, is it that hard to believe that I'm not mad at you ?"
Applejack bites her lip. "Yes, well..." She glances down, fidgeting with her towells.
"Hmmm?"
She looks up at me with a smirk. "She ain't half as cute as I am." A wink.
"Heh..." I stroll back into the kitchen. "Now that's the spirit."
"Y'all nearly finished with scrubbin' all the bubbles away?"
"Yeah, sure. It wasn't really that hard in the long run. That's why it helps to have compressed vacuum units."
"Wow-ie, yer technology sure is interesting."
"Doesn't beat having magical horns or horse wings, I bet."
"Well, back where I come from, we ain't got either of those."
"Whoops. My bad."
"Nothin' to it. Earth ponies get along fine without havin' to fret with flight or magic spells or any of that nonsense. We're just good tillers of the earth and we get things done with strength and commitment."
"Sounds pretty snazzy."
"Well, sure, when it happens to work." Applejack sighs. "I really am sorry about what happened in the kitchen earlier, sugarcube. Truly, truly I am. I swear... that sorta thang never happens back home. I'm actually quite competent in everythang I do."
"And I believe ya."
"It ain't just braggin'! I swear! I do more than half the chores around the house! I mean, shucks, the rest of the gang have things to do too. But Apple Bloom's just a lil' filly and Granny Smith has most of her years behind her, so she's super delicate."
"And what about Big Macintosh?"
"He does all the hard stuff that requires a lot of strength. But they take extra time, which leaves me with the bulk of the tasks to do. Does that make a lick of sense?"
"Licked and slurped, sure."
"And then... well... I come here , and it's like I'm a cockeyed mailmare with no proper balance and... shoot , that wasn't a very proper way of puttin' it. Uhm... "
"Applejack..."
"Y'all ever worked so hard throughout the week that you can't even stand straight to do the simplest of thangs once the weekend rolls around?"
"Applejack." I walk back into the room and lean against a wall. "Tell me. Are you even from this world?"
"Well, no, but—"
"And do you honestly, seriously think you come here to work ?"
Applejack chews on her lip. She looks down to the carpet.
"Hey..." With a smile, I walk over and tilt her chin up. "Look at me."
She does so with a vulnerable pair of eyes.
"There's only one thing I expect of you for whenever you visit."
"And wh-what's that?"
"Well, okay, make that two things." I smirk. "Be happy... and relax ."
She simply blinks at me.
I stroke my hand up and scratch her behind her left ear. "You think that's hard to do?"
"Mmmm..." She sighs through her nostrils. "It's... r-reckon it's a lot harder than I can ever explain it..."
"Then don't bother. Unless, of course, you really want to try, AJ."
"Naw..." She shakes her head. "To be perfectly honest? All I wanna do right now is... is..."
I raise an eyebrow. "Relax?"
She simply sits there, shivering.
I lean my head aside. "How about 'get warm?'"
She looks up, teeth chattering. "H-huh?"
"My bad. I didn't even stop to think that getting the hoodie all wet probably made you cold."
"Nothin' I can't handle back at home. Trust me."
"Did you want to go back home?"
"Mmmm... I've got things to do, I suppose... or at least if I thought really hard about it I could find somethin' that needs doin'."
"I take it that's a 'no.'"
She sighs, smiling. "Ya read me like a book, sugarcube. I... uhm... I-I suppose I wouldn't mind a lil' somethin' to warm me up. I dun suppose you've got the makin's for soup around here."
I'm actually proud of her for asking that. About as sad as I am to say, "Sorry, Applejack. But you know the rules."
"Right... heh... maybe I should have brought my own soup over."
"It'd be pretty hard to slip a steaming bowl in the hoodie's pouch."
"Heh, yup, I reck—reck—reck—" Her face adorably scrunches, writhes, and—"Achooo! "
"Zoram bless you."
"Euuugh... I swear. I feel like a pathetic lil' foal." She sniffles and wipes her nose with a hoof, shivering. "Maybe I should head on back to the farm."
I glance around the apartment. Swiftly, I walk over to the closet and pull a blanket out.
"Watcha doin'?" she asks with a tremble.
"It's what we like to call eliminating the middle-man." I remove the damp towels from her body and spread the blanket over her, wrapping it around until she's bundled like a little orange caterpillar inside a cocoon. "There... how's that?"
"Heh..." She squirms inside the bundle with slightly rosy cheeks. "Like a pig in a blanket."
"Heheh... you know, around these parts, that's the name for—" I pause, fidgeting.
"Hmmm? Name for what?"
"Sorry. Uhm... not a joke to say around vegetarians."
"Oh..." Applejack winces. "Right. I forgot about that."
"But we don't eat ponies, though."
"Y'know, the less said about it, the better."
"I whole-heartedly agree." I stand in place, then gasp. "Oh, I know!"
"Hmm? Y'know what?"
"Something we could watch together! Something I've been wanting to share with you for a while now..."
She gasps. "Ya don't mean...?"
"Yup!" I'm already slipping a glove on and flipping through various holographic folders in front of me. "And I think I know just the airing to start you out with. If you're not laughing or vomiting by the end of this, then I don't know what to say." At last, I pick the file and fling it against the wall. An intro consisting of a run-down warehouse with explosions and fire bleeds into an enormous arena filled with yelling people.
"Wow... real human wrasslin'!" Applejack coos. "Uhm..." Her green eyes squint. "Why's the footage so grainy and stretched—Whoah nelly! "
I've picked her up so that I can sit on the couch in her place. "Because it's really super old. I do believe the exact date is 1998, back when wrestling was good." I sit her in my lap, adjust the blanket around her figure, and drape a pair of protective arms around the pony so that she can stay warm. "Also, this original recording was using something called 'VHS.'"
"What in the heck is that?"
"Beats me. From the way Aynrandy, my next door neighbor, describes it—I'm guessing it was a step up from papyrus."
"Wow... look at all them angry, angry people."
"Angry happy people." I say with a smile. "Humans find it enjoyable to indulge their carnal rage in ways that aren't permanently damaging and consequential—well—at least to the audience, that is."
"That's not the way ponies enjoy wrasslin'."
"Yes, well, ponies never had Vinnie Russo."
"Didn't y'all say that this here recordin' is from the year 1998?"
"Yup."
"Yer tellin' me that we're watchin' somethang that's over three hundred years old?"
"Hey..." I frown. "Wrestling has sucked for a very, very long time. Ya hear?"
"Reckon I'm fixin' to believe y'all..."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
“So... uh...” Applejack lies on my chest with her legs folded. She squints aside at the projection. “Is that fella supposed to be handsome or somethin'?”
“Hmmm?” I pause in petting her mane. I'm lying lengthwise on the couch with my head propped up against the armrest “Who, Val Venis?”
“Yeah. The big oily guy.”
I giggle. “You'll need to be a little more specific.”
“The one who struts into the ring with the towel and has the yucky, gravelly voice.”
“Oh. That's Val Venis, alright.”
“Well, is he?”
“Is he what?”
“Handsome, ya silly nitwit!”
“You asking me personally or in general?”
“Both, I reckon.”
I shrug and resume stroking the back of her head. “Well, if he had dropped his porn star gimmick, then maybe I'd give a darn.”
“Dropped his what star gimmick?”
“Uhhhh...” I grimace, then clear my throat.. “Long story short, the idea was that he threw more than just his weight around at people.”
“But it was all fake, right?”
I smirk slyly. “I like to say it was all planned , but the athleticism and high risk was just as real as it gets.”
“So like gymnastics mixed with stage plays... only with more people wallopin' other people with chairs.”
“Yup. Pretty much.”
“Did people really act like that, back then?”
“I dunno. Maybe. If so, it must have been a really awesome time to have been around.”
“Even them tiny little fellas who kept hoppin' all over the place and tryin' to pin Mr. Val Venis down?”
“Oh, you mean Kai En Tai? Pffft . I'm pretty sure they're just stereotypes.”
“Stereotypes?” She turns from the projection to blink at me. “You mean when ponies—erm —people are made out to be somethin' they ain't?”
“Yup. Pretty much. I imagine the portrayal was pretty degrading, too.”
“What, ya mean y'all don't know?”
“Well, I've never met a Japanese person face to face.”
“Really? Why is that?”
“Well, there aren't very many left.” I shrug as I stroke her mane. “The Japanese Archipelago was obliterated off of the face of the Earth over two hundred years ago.”
“Awwwww... that's a darn shame. Was it all that World War Three nonsense?”
“Nah, it was much later. The year... 2120? 2130? Whatever. The same year that Minke Whales gained sentience and pyrokinesis.”
“Y'all don't say...”
“Yeah. Took about a quarter of a century to sign treaties and build the whales an ark so they could piss off to Rigel Kentaurus. As for the impact of the Pacific First Contact, well, right now, there's a cryolab in orbit of Neptune with an emergency stockpile of both Japanese and Norwegian stem cells. Human civilization is saving them for the rainy day when we need to clone people who can reboot the economy... or make a wicked sick bobsled team.”
Applejack giggles and lays her chin against me.
“What?” I smirk. “It's just history!”
“Yes, but it's the way ya say it...”
“Storytelling was never one of my strong suits. Believe me.”
“What makes you say that?”
I sigh out my nostrils and stare at the moving images of sweaty men making sweaty faces. “Because if it was, then I'd be making a much bigger salary than I am now. That's for darn sure.”
“I dun get it. Don't ya love yer job?”
“Well... it suits me fine , but—”
“But what, darlin'?”
I shrug again, staring up at the ceiling as I play with one fuzzy ear after another. She feels so tiny—yet so soft and warm against my sternum. It's hard to believe that something that small and precious could ever bother with... stuff that bothers me.
“You ever get so used to doing something that the motions of it become more important than the reward? Like, you exist to be part of a routine, and then that routine becomes you, and soon you realize that all you're doing is living in the present and your future really doesn't exist?”
“I... uh... I-I can't say that I've ever had to deal with somethin' like that, sugarcube.”
“Well, a lot of it's in my head, but it doesn't make it any less enjoyable.”
“Is this somethin' that most humans run into a lot?”
I snicker, chuckle, and snicker some more.
She squints at me. Her voice vibrates against my chest. “What?”
“Humans are about as predictable as ponies, AJ,” I say. “Ponies are always so happy and kind and pleasant. Humans, however, are always—”
“Plum miserable, I take it.”
I blink. I tilt my head up to look at her. “No.” I shake my head with a smile. “More like 'bored.' Misery? Pffft. That's just part of life. But we've done pretty well for ourselves these last few centuries. You want misery? Read one of my history files the next time you visit. Look up horrible stuff like the Black Plague, the Crusades, the Sudanese Genocides, the First Centauri Invasion, and New Jersey.”
“Already sounds to me like y'all humans have come a long way.”
“But we also have a long way to go. And we know that. You see... believe it or not, we're all about progress. It's just that—well—progress for some is slower than it is for others. Guess it all depends on when you were born. Me for instance?”
“Yeah?”
“What I wouldn't give to be born around the time of the Internet's invention.”
“Oh really?”
“Yeah. To see Net Neutrality when it was still around? Much less in its hayday? Girl, I'm telling you, things were pretty radical back then, and constantly and dynamically changing! After all, this was long before they had to invent crystalline bloodspace and use genetically altered fetuses to act as central telekinetic brain hubs for bypassing the corporate-owned system.”
“Uhhhhh...”
“And you could input information anonymously and create all sorts of riveting debate for the heck of it?” I sigh, feeling Applejack's body coasting down with my deflating ribcage. “Yes... I bet it was all really... r-really exciting.”
She pivots her head to the side, nuzzles my sternum, and stares peacefully at me. “Are ya bored, darlin'?”
I look at her. I lay silent for a while. Then, with a smile, I scratch under her warm chin and say, “Not anymore.”
She smiles. Her eyelids fall shut while she spreads her front forelimbs and drapes herself against me. “Hmmmmmmm...” A contented sigh. “You've got a comfy chest.”
I snicker and glance once more at the projection. “So I've been told.” A clearing of the throat. “Many times.”
“Y'all ever get this comfy with other humans from time to time?”
I feel my blood go cold. I start gnawing on my bottom lip.
She trembles a bit—a wince that runs straight through her body from spine to tail. “Oh, darlin', I'm sorry. That was a might personal question, wasn't it?”
“No. It's okay.” I rub the back of her neck through the hoodie. “I've... uh... I've had significant others from time to time. Just—y'know—not in a long while.”
“Uhm... didja... er...?”
I smirk. “It's okay, Applejack. You can ask.”
“Did y'all cuddle like this?”
“With a few of them,” I say. “Some of the later ones. It was...” I shrug. “...nice.”
“Just nice?”
“Nice enough. But I soon realized that there were things in my life that I had to get in order before I could commit to a legitimate relationship... be it long-term or whatever .”
“Well, reckon it helps to have all yer ducks in a row.”
“Right.”
“And what of the friends you've got now?”
“Hmmm? What about them?”
“Do they like to cuddle?”
I giggle. “No... noooo .”
“Not even that wacky neighbor of yers? The Andy Rice fella?”
“Sometimes I think Aynrandy wants to cuddle... probably do even more ... but... heh... that's not happening. ”
“Well, I'm sorry I even brought it up.”
“Pfft. Don't be. I'm not sorry you asked.” I tilted my head towards her again. “What about you?”
“Hmmm?”
“Ever been the Applejack of another pony's eye?” I say with a wink.
“Heh... can't say that's ever come about.”
“You're kidding me...”
“Now why would I lie to you?”
“I mean—well—I certainly don't have a mental scale for pony attractiveness, but I must say—Applejack—you're one hell of a catch.”
She giggles, then rolls her eyes. “Yer just sassin' me now.”
“No! I mean it! You're honest, intelligent, hard-working, got thighs for days...”
“Pfffft-ha ha ha ha!” She guffaws, incidentally smacking a leg against my ribcage. As soon as I wheeze, she gasps and grimaces. “Whoops! Beg yer pardon!”
I wheeze and nod shakily. “S'all good...”
“Seriously, yer purdy funny.” She clears her throat. “Still, even if that all was true, I really ain't interested.”
“In what?”
“In... that... any of that...”
I giggle. “Any of wh-what?”
“My only passion is—okay... lemme start over. ” She blows her bangs back and says in a firm tone. “I have two passions in life. One, for the farm. Two, for my friends and family. S'long as I got all of that in order, than everythang's gravy, y'hear?”
“I hear you. I'm not entirely sure I believe you.”
“Darlin', not every soul's gotta be betrothed to another!”
I nod. “I understand completely.”
“Yes. I figured you might.”
I raise an eyebrow at that.
She gulps, avoiding my gaze. After a few seconds, she says, “I find stallions plenty attractive from time to time. Since I was a little filly, I've fancied myself getting' married someday, settlin' down, poppin' out a few young'n's to share the bounties of the farm. Yer typical ideal country fantasy...”
“Heh... sure...”
“But, as the years go by, especially lately—I find that I just don't... feel the need to get hitched anytime soon. I certainly don't need a stallion in my life, much less a coltfriend.”
“Or a fillyfriend? ”
“Buh?” She blinks at me.
I snicker and wave my hand from side to side. “I-I just kinda figured... if not a 'coltfriend' then a—”
“Darlin', just because my barn door swings in and not out don't mean I want another door to match!”
“Heeheehee...” I gently pat Applejack's head. “Read you loud and clear.”
She rolls her eyes and sighs through a tired smirk. “I'm just... happy to be where I am in life. I'm sorry you ain't.”
I shrug. “Who says I wasn't?”
“Oh. Uhm.” She fidgets on my chest—her hooves like kneading paws, pensive and squirmy. “I-I thought... you done just said—”
“Bored doesn't mean 'depressed.'”
“Right... uhm... reckon not...”
“What changed?”
“Hmm?” She glances at me.
“You say that you've felt this way in your life 'especially lately.'”
“Well, I made a bunch of wonderful friends,” she says, her tail instantly flicking at the thought. “I meet with them everyday. We have lunch together. We go out on adventures. They make me feel so useful and dependable and—well—I just feel so content —yes, I reckon that's the word for it. Content .”
“Well, I'm glad to hear that, AJ.”
“And also... there's... that is... lately, I've...” Her words trail off.
I squint curiously at her.
“Well...” She sighs and leans her fuzzy cheek against my chest, breathing softly. “You knowww...”
I smile. I stroke her mane before draping an arm over her spine, holding her close.
All is silent—save for the random whacks of violent Monday Night chair shots.
“I... uh... I reckon I need to get back to Sweet Apple Acres soon...”
“Yeah...” I nod quietly, gazing at the projection. “The hoodie's likely out of juice too.”
“Right.”
“Mmmhmmm.”
Quiet.
“Maybe... after the next Goofdust match?”
I chuckle. “Sure thing, AJ.” I scratch her ears. “And it's Goldust .”
“Feh. I liked mine a lot better.”
“You know? So do I.”
“Heeheehee...”
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
Applejack hums. She swivels to the left. She swivels to the right. Then, with a bright and beaming smile, she shoves her hoof off the desk's edge and spins, spins, spins in the desk chair. "Hmmmm-heee hee heee..."
I sit on the edge of the buckets I carried back from the closet and stacked on top of one another. I rub my chin, then proceed to type the second half of an e-mail across my office keyboard.
Applejack spins to a stop, her mane flouncing as she teeters left and right. "Duaaaaaah..." Her emerald eyes rattle, then blink to a stop. She smiles, freckled dimples and all, and rolls the sleeves of the hoodie up her hooves. Then, licking her lips, she slides down onto her rump and kicks the desk's edge with both rear legs.
This propels the office chair—and her—across the thin space of the cubicle. She collides with the other side, rattling the bulletin board and sending a few thumbtacks falling to the floor. "Whoops! Heehee! Sure does glide, don't it?"
I bite my lip, sweating slightly as I struggle to get through this dense e-mail that is supremely important... for some reason that's presently lost to me. I lean forward, rubbing my chin with two gloved hands. I spot the shapes of heads out of my peripheral. I glance to the side and spot co-workers craning their faces over the walls of their cubicles, gazing towards my part of the office and grinning while murmuring curiously to one another.
"Hey! Reckon I can make it glide and spin at the same time?" A tiny guffaw. "Here goes!" The cubicle wall behind me wobbles as I hear the grinding of wheels over the plastic carpet guard.
"Applejack—" I turn around, only for the chair to collide with my shoulders. "Ooof!"
"Whoah nelly!" The spinning seat launches Applejack like an orange missile. I expertly catch her, cradling her in my grasp. She shakes her head and blinks up at me with legs curled. "Heheh... howdy, partner! Nice catch, there!"
"Applejack, I'm glad you're having fun and all, but I really gotta work on this."
"Work on what?" Applejack crawls down and sits in my lap, squinting at the computer screen with a scrunchy face. "Y'all meanin' to tell me that this is what ya do all day?"
"It's part of it, yes."
"And what's the other part?"
"Managing the schedule for the Viki—I-I mean my boss. I mean..." I face palm with a sigh. "Darn it... "
I hear a passing giggle as a secretary walks by the cubicle, pausing to smile at the sight of the tiny pony sitting in my grasp.
"Whew-wee! She's got herself a purdy getup!" Applejack glances up at me, her golden mane tickling my chin. "Bet yer jealous, huh?"
"Maggiethatcher's been doing temp work here for over ten months, AJ. She and I are nothing more than business professionals—"
"What's this gizmo, anyways?" Applejack nudges the keyboard around in front of us. "It looks just like them glowy thangs you make appear."
"Applejack, please, don't—"
"Ooooh!" Applejack coos, running her hoof along the home-row keys. "I can actually feel 'em too! And I dun even need to be wearin' yer gloves!"
"Sometimes the old-fashioned way of doing things can never go away."
She looks up at me with a beaming grin. "Can I just give it one tap? I won't mess yer work up. I promise."
I sigh through a weary smile. "Fine. Go ahead. Just don't hit the 'enter' key."
"The what key?"
"That big bulky thing right there."
Pensively, almost as if afraid that the thing would explode, Applejack leans forward... then finally slaps her hoof over the left side of the keyboard. We both watch as a glaring 'hdgfchgstx' appears in the e-mail field.
"Hah!" She cackles, her tail flicking against my chest. "Didja see that?" She giggles again, pointing at the monitor. "I made a human word! A people-paragraph, as it were!"
"Heh..." I reach over her head and quietly backspace through the butchered text. "Not quite. Still, I'm sure St. Beacon would approve of your charisma."
"Ya really think so?"
"Why not? The holo-construct became self-aware and promptly died while defending the Vatican from Brazilian Terrorists."
"Ooooh!" Applejack reaches toward the far end of the desk. "What's this thang do?" ClapClapClapClap . The desktop is covered in collapsed staples. "Looks like the floor of a farrier's workshop! Heheheh—Whoah nelly! " She slips from my lap.
I catch her just in time and plop her back onto the desk chair. "Applejack, just what's gotten into you today?"
"Well..." She fiddles with the hem of her hoodie, avoiding my gaze. "I'm just plum happy to see ya, sugarcube." She then tilts her head back up and smiles at the ceiling. "Plus, this whole place is new!"
I giggle. "Applejack, all things considered, everything about my world is 'new' to you."
"Yes, but this place is newer !" She says, spinning in a circle as she tries to take in every detail. "And there're people here—people who're your friends!"
"They're... not exactly my friends ."
"Don't be silly." She smirks at me. "You work and labor with 'em, don'tcha?"
"Well... uh... sure..."
"Then they might as well be kin!" She winks. "After all, those who sweat together..."
"Eheh... but my job isn't exactly apple bucking, AJ."
"Yeah? So? To each their own, darlin'."
"Ennngh..." I rub my temples, gazing lethargically at the e-mail. "I'm never going to get anything done at this rate."
"Oh." She gulps, then wraps her tail around her lower legs as she stares down at the floor. "Reckon yer right. It'd be best if I headed on home and left ya alone to yer chores."
"What? No!" I wince from how loud that outburst was. "Please, Applejack. It's alright. These last few days have been..."
"Yeah?" She stares up at me.
I stare back. I fidget. "... very very... boring without you."
She blinks. "Oh."
Silence.
I feel my stomach gurgling. I smirk. "Tell ya what..." I crouch low to the ground and turn the back of my neck to her. "You wanna see more new and exciting places?"
"Uhhhh..." Applejack instinctively trots forward and props herself onto my shoulders. "Yeah?"
"How about I show you where humans around here go to eat, hmmm?" I stand up with her legs wrapped around my neck. "Then you can finally tell me all about your 'amazing' weekend. Now wouldn't that be fun?"
"Hmmm... yup. I reckon." She clutches my head and rests her chin at the top of my scalp. "Just promise to warn me in case we run into that nasty thang you told me about once."
"You'll have to remind me. What nasty thing?"
She gulps and stammers, "'Meat loaf.'"
"Girl, trust me." I chuckle. "I'd be warning myself in the process."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
As I'm carrying the tray back to our table in the middle of the cafeteria, I can already hear her drawling voice. There's a tinge of pride to be heard in it, and it makes me smile. That's when I hear chuckling voices—many, many chuckling voices. I look to see that a crowd has formed around the table. My heart stops beating for a moment. Is it concern? Something else? I don't know what to think. I just listen , walking close enough so that I can finally see her over the necks and shoulders of so many smiling-faced co-workers.
"And so I grabbed my gal pal Pinkie by the tail and hoisted the two of us over to the far side of the canyon! Mind you, this involved hoppin' from craggy platform to platform! And with a roarin' and bellowin' hydra hot on our keisters!"
Several people coo and murmur in awe. I spot a thirty-five year old secretary leaning over the table with her chin propped up on her knuckles like a first grader. I want to giggle.
"But Twilight was still on the other side!" Applejack says in a low, breathy voice. She's standing between half-empty trays on the table-top, trotting in tiny little circles with a flounce of her blue hood. She gazes wide-eyed at every listening face as she continues, "And the hydra was thirstin' for pony meat! All of the sudden, one of its heads smashed into the canyon and knocked over most of the platforms! There was now a forty foot gap between the cliff where she stood and the nearest stone that could help her cross the canyon! The poor mare couldn't hop that distance, even if she was as athletic as I was! And it's not like Twilight had wings to help her cross! Well... not yet at least!"
Chuckles.
Giggles.
"What'd she do?" a man asks.
"Well..." Applejack crouches low as if she's about to pounce on the meatiest part of this story. Her eyes are mischievous green slits. "Pinkie Pie told her to go on n'jump anyways; take a leap of faith n'all. Now, this sort of thang never came naturally to Twilight, she bein' a practical pony n'such. I dun rightly blame her. I wouldn't have had enough faith to do it myself. But it's not like Twilight had much in the way of choices, now did she?"
"Did... did she jump?" a woman breathlessly remarks.
"Sure did!" Applejack smirks, then licks her lips before charading the act with her petite orange figure across the table. "She stepped back, got a gallopin' start, and threw herself forward for all she was worth... and done missed the platform she was aimin' for by a hair."
The crowd around the table gasps.
"But t'ain't the end of it! Nosiree!" Applejack squeaks. "Before any of us can even try n'scream, Twilight fell on a burstin' bubble of the bog below that threw her straight up—just like a thrown horseshoe—and in a calamitously tumblin' fashion—" She hops three times, causing the trays and cups across the table to rattle. "Whop! Wham! Bap!" One final leap, she she knocks a few pieces of plastic silverware to the cafeteria floor with a grin. "She landed on the other side right next to us! Safe as the day she was foaled! Heh!"
Everyone around us claps and cheers. There are relieved grins everywhere I look.
"What a fantastic little tale."
"I'm so glad she made it!"
"Sounds like that leap of faith worked out for her!"
"Heheheheh... or just pure dumb luck..." Applejack tilts forward the brim of a hat that isn't there, and catches herself doing it. Clearing her throat to avoid blushing, she stands proud and tall. "However y'all wish to look at it, Twilight's certainly grateful to still be around. And, if nothin' else, it sure did clear a lot of cobwebs between her and Pinkie Pie. I dun think I ever did see them mares bond well until after that shindig. Funny how frightenin' things tend to bring out the best in friends, ya reckon?"
More chuckles and applause.
I clear my throat with a smile.
Applejack glances my way, and her smile brightens. "Say, maybe I can come back by here another time and tell y'all another marvelous tale! Like the one where my friends and I single-hoofedly fought off a buncha nasty changelings! Or the one afternoon that my best pegasus friend tried to immortalize me in front of a camera! Heh heh heh... boy did I get her good a week later with a bathtub of whipped cream."
Slowly, reluctantly, the crowd dissipates. I see a few of the cafeteria patrons smiling/winking at me as we pass each other by.
"Glad you brought her by the office for once," a man says.
"She's so adorable," a woman states. "Glad you won that raffle."
"Oh... y-yeah..." I reply awkwardly. "Me too..." I shuffle over and sit on the bench before Applejack, laying my table down.
"Heh... did I ever tell ya about that one, sugarcube?"
"Hmm? Tell me which one?"
"Rainbow Dash and the bathtub prank." She giggles, lungs still heaving from having given the dramatic tale. "Whew-wee! That girl learned to never again sleep on the branch of a tree within buckin' distance of me. Heheheh..."
"Heh..." I smile while digging a fork into alfredo. "Guess the mare got what was coming to her."
"It took her a week to get the stuff out of her mane! Heh heh heh heh!"
"Somehow, from what I know about Rainbow Dash, that's not something that would bother her."
"Heh... reckon yer right. She ain't no Rarity. Not yet, at least."
I raise an eyebrow. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Either she ignores me or she's too excited to register the question. "I see you finally got yerself some vittles." She squats low on the table, her blonde tail flicking left and right as she sniffs her muzzle up close to the tray. "Whatcha eatin'?"
"Mmmf... Uh uh uh..." I nudge her nose back gently with the blunt end of my fork. I swallow and say, "The rules, remember?"
She rubs her fuzzy orange muzzle and squints at me. "Ya reckon I've got the memory of a goldfish? I'm not about to do anythang that could hurt myself."
"Besides, it's nothing you'd like."
"If y'all insist." Applejack blinks, then winces slightly. "Was..." She inches slowly away from my plate, her hooves daintily raised away from it. "...was it once alive ?"
I try not to choke from giggling with a mouthful. I swallow the bite down with a glass of fruit punch and smile her way. "Please, Applejack. I think you should know by now that I wouldn't eat anything like that in front of you ."
"R-right..."
"Now the table two spaces down..." I point from afar. "...they're enjoying some lasagna which is chock full of—"
"Uh uh uh uh uh!" Applejack waves a hoof at me, tilts away, and hoists the hood over her head. "Dun even try to humor me!"
"Whoah—careful." I point at her hooves against her hood. "If you pull any tighter, you'll—"
"Send myself back. I know."
"I mean, if you're hungry and you want a bite of apple, then be my guest," I say. "Or—heh—if you're nauseous and need an outhouse to hurl—"
"Pffft! You kiddin'?" Applejack lowers the hood and smirks at me. "I dun just got here, darlin'. Why'd I leave so soon?"
"Just saying..." I shrug. "You're not a prisoner, y'know."
"Right... right..." She hops down onto the bench beside me, turns around three times, and plops down on curled legs. "Forgive me if I seem a little... oh, I dunno..."
"Excited?"
"I'm just glad ya decided to show me where ya work after all!" She gazes over her shoulder, smiling at various passer-by's. One or two co-workers wave, and she happily waves her hoof back. "You've got so many friendly ponies—I mean people here."
I nod while taking another bite. "Mmmf... they're nice to work with."
"Ever gone partying with them?"
I smirk. "We don't exactly have hoedowns here on Ganymede."
"Yeah, but y'all got ways of havin' fun, don'tcha?"
"Mmmm..." I wave my fork around. "Yes and no."
She squints at me. "Why do I ge the feelin' yer usually in the 'no' department."
"So, what if I enjoy a little bit of space and solitude compared to the next person?"
She snickers... then outright giggles, covering her muzzle with a hoof.
I glare at her. "What?"
"Nothin'. Yer just somethin' else, ya know that?"
"Hmph..." I dig through the alfredo some more. "So..."
"Hmmm?"
"...Equestria's a lot more dangerous than I imagined."
"Huh?" Her bright green eyes blink. "Oh..." She gazes down, smiling bashfully as she fidgets with the ends of her hoodie's sleeves. "Well, shucks, we get into a tussle with creepy bad guys from time to time, but we always seem to end out on top..."
"Just like Twilight Sparkle did?"
"T'ain't always luck, mind you," Applejack says. "Lot of it comes down to teamwork, friendship, and the Elements of Harmony."
"I guess I just never thought... well..." I sigh a bit. "Never mind."
"No, tell me!" Applejack gazes up at me, her freckled face awash in concern. "Y'all know that I'm the first and last pony you can be honest with!"
"It's no big deal. Just me."
"Darlin'..." Applejack stands up straight, her jaw tight. "You best be 'fessin' up before I start bucking chairs over."
I blink at her. "You wouldn't?"
She continues glaring at me.
"Zoram on fire, you would ."
"In a heartbeat." Her nostrils flare as she smirks. "So out with it, partner."
I sigh. "I guess I just... mmm... always thought Equestria was nothing but sunshine and rainbows."
"Well, we never had ourselves any of yer fancy nuclear wars or famines or poverty issues, but it's hardly the safest place to go out for a stroll, from time to time."
"'Cuz of hydras?"
"And changelings and diamond dogs and parasprites and roadside brotherly charletans..." Applejack rolls her eyes. "Whew! Flim and Flam . Dun ya even get me started on them hooligans."
"Heh..." I dig through my food without meaning to. "Guess I just never... th-thought I'd have a reason to worry about you whenever... y'know... you go back to your world."
"Awwwwww... dun sweat it, darlin'."
"Shouldn't I?"
"Now listen here." She leans in, stroking her cheek against my elbow. I feel the precious warmth of her heartbeat through the gesture. "I may be a petite lil' pony gal here and now, but back in Ponyville? Back in the place I call home?" She gazes up at me with a calm smile. "I'm a regular iron pony, ya hear? I can hold my own against the worst Equestria has to throw at me. Ya got no reason to worry about me. No more than I have to worry about you."
"Me?"
"Heheheh... dun sell yerself short, darlin'." She pats my side with a tiny hoof. "You have a way of grabbin' this world by the horns, even if you don't realize it."
"Heh... or by the net-gloves."
"Right. Them too."
"Thanks, AJ." I reach down and scratch her behind the left ear. "I don't remember asking you to give me a motivational speech, but you somehow always deliver."
"Ooooooh..." Her eyes roll back as she leans into the head scratch. "If I-I'd have known I woulda been gettin' an ear rub as reward, I woulda plum called you the Monarch of Saturn."
I giggle and say, "Jupiter ."
"Whatever." She fwomps against me, legs curled up as she gladly accepts the ear-scratch. I almost swear she's purring. "Mmmmm... I think I love cafeterias..."
"Heeheehee.... I think you do too."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"OooOooOooOooOooOooh!" Applejack coos, hopping up and down in a seat across from me as she struggles to see out the windswept windows of the rattling compartment.
"Appleja-a-ack," I say with a snorting giggle. "Stop moving around so much! It's a bumpy ride; you're liable to hurt yourself!"
"I can't stay still!" she stammers, her mane and hoodie flouncing with each leap. "We're in a train! We're in a train! We're in a traiiiiin!"
I sigh, yank myself up by the subway pole, and walk across the thin space towards her. "Girl, I don't understand. Don't you have trains in Equestria?"
"Yes, but this is a spaaaaaace trainnnnn! " She grunts and struggles, her tiny hooves flailing in front of her. "Con sarn it! Ghttt! If only I was a might bit taller—"
"Here..." I hoist her yelping figure up, then cradle her in one arm while gripping to a bar with the other. "There we go. Better?"
"Wowwwwwwwwww... " Applejack's quivering emerald eyes reflect a complex urban vista of skyscrapers, bridges, and hovercraft platforms. The city stretches broadly before us under a bright purple sky. "Golly... it goes on forever, don't it?"
I shrug. "It's the largest Sprawl in this hemisphere."
"What kind of a cotton-pickin' name is the Sprawl anyways?"
"Erm..." I shrug, glancing at the other train passengers who are staring our way. "Hard to say. I've always found it bluntly eloquent."
"Well, I think it could stand to use a bit more flavor," Applejack says. "How about 'Humanville?'"
I giggle. "You call that imaginative?"
"Well, humans live all over Ganymede, don't they?"
"Yeah..." I nod. "And on Io and Titan and Mars and Venus..."
"How about 'The Jewel of Jupiter ?'"
"Sounds awfully fruity."
"Ya say that as if it's a bad thang."
"No, I was... nngh... " I facepalm and sigh. "Applejack, it's a figure of speech." An inward groan. "And, come to think of it, not a very good one—"
"Land's sakes! A foal!" Applejack suddenly gasps.
"Buh?"
"A human foal! " She gallops in mid-air while dangling from my grasp. "Quick! Lemme down for a sec!" I comply, and she scampers across the way towards where a three-year-old thumb-sucker is standing in front of her mother on the train. "Howdy howdy howdy!" Applejack hops up onto a chair and grins down at the toddler. "Wow! Look at you! Well, if you ain't the cutest thang that done walked on two legs!"
"Mmmm..." The tiny tot retreats to her chuckling mother's side, hiding behind the woman's knees. "P... p-pony...?"
"That's right, sugarcube!" Applejack grins, staring at the girl's scarlet bangs. "I lurve yer hair. Just like Apple Bloom's!"
The kid giggles, red-faced.
"Heheheh..." Applejack glances up at the mother. "She even sounds like Apple Bloom too! What's the darlin's name?"
The mother smiles and says, "Anncoulter."
"'Anncoulter,'" Applejack grins wide. "That's darn near the prettiest lil' name I ever did hear." She leans in and ruffles the toddler's hair. "Howdy there, Anncoulter! What's your favorite color? Mine's apples!"
"Okaaaaaaaaaay..." I walk forward and scoop Applejack up by her fuzzy belly in two arms. "Playtime's over, AJ. This is a train, not a playground."
"But... but..." Applejack squirms in my embrace. "I didn't even get to ask her if she's ever been to a farm!"
"I highly doubt it, seeing as all agricultural centers have been relegated to the central Dyson ring, tens of thousands of miles from here." I glance up at the mother and smile awkwardly. "She's... uh... she's new here."
The mother nods with a smile, lovingly patting her gawking child's shoulder.
I sit down with Applejack in my lap. "Let's stay put for the rest of the ride, alright?"
"What's with all the restrainin'?" Applejack frowns. "I'm not some rampaging bull!"
"Applejack, you're a tiny pony. Dogs have it hard enough in moving vehicles without the likes of me having to worry about four-legged things far tinier and cuter."
"I'm tougher than I look, y'know," she pouts.
"No doubt." I smooth her bangs back into her ponytail and crane my neck to look her in the freckled face. "I gotta ask, though. Why'd you pounce the kid all of the sudden?"
"Pffft. I done pounced nopony... er... nobody ."
"Seriously, you suddenly went all gushy as soon as you saw her. Don't deny it."
She sighs, resting back against me with a shudder. "I guess yer right. I couldn't help it. She made me think of Apple Bloom."
"Your daughter, right?"
"Lil' sister , ya dag gumm'd idiot."
I wince. "S-sorry..."
"Heh... It's okay. Really..." She pats my wrist with her hoof. "Reckon I get all protective over her as if she was my own foal..."
"Uh huh..."
"I dunno what it is..." Applejack fidgets, gazing through the floor of the rattling train car. "Maybe it's cuz I've always felt so responsible for her well-being. But it's more than that. It has to be." She gazes at the child across the way, exhaling out her nostrils. "Some nights, I sneak into her room just to nuzzle her while she's sleeping."
"Well..." I smile. "That sounds awfully sweet."
"Heh. She'd tear my head off if she ever found out. The lil' thang wants so badly to be grown up like her big sis. Can't really blame her."
"You know, if I didn't know any better..." I straightened her ponytail and slid it down beneath the neck of her hoodie. "...I'd say you were suffering a case of the Mommy Clock."
"I beg yer pardon?" She glances straight up at me.
I stare down at her upside-down freckles. "Really! I mean... horses have biological clocks too, don't they? Even if they're tiny horses?"
"Tch..." She glares off with lethargic eyes. "Maybe. Maybe not."
"Is that such a bad thing?"
"Bad? Nah. Pointless? Perhaps."
"Pointless?"
"I-I've just got so dang much to do on the farm!" she exclaims, gesturing her long-sleeve'd hoof through the air. "For better or for worse, I ain't got no time to settle."
"Maybe you will," I say, giving her shoulders a squeeze. "Y'know, someday."
"Hmmph... I just gotta find the right stallion first," she mutters. She chuckles bitterly out the edge of her muzzle. "And my gal pals will be the first to tell ya that such a thang won't come easily."
"Why's that?"
"Cuz I ain't no wiltin' violet. Most stallions look for a damsel that they can sweep off their hooves, but that's not how I roll. You feel me?"
"Uhhhh... I believe you."
"You don't sound particularly convincin', sugarcube."
I giggle. "Well, n-neither do you!"
"Eugh..." She plops down, resting a chin tiredly on my knee. "It's complicated, not to mention the last thang I wanted to think about while enjoyin' yer spiffy space train."
I wince. "I'm sorry for bringing it up."
"No, it's okay." Applejack sighs. "It's somethin' I'm gonna have to come to grips with sooner than later. Soon enough, Apple Bloom's gonna move on to better thangs—on the farm or off—and she won't be around all the time for her sappy older sis to dote on no more."
"Well, that'll give you plenty of time to find a suitor and make some babies. Presuming that is what you want."
"Hmmph. I reckon. I just wish thangs weren't so darn silly-like."
"What things?"
"Stallion and mare things." Applejack mutters. "I swear, life gave Equestria two genders just to complicate existence. Maybe y'all can relate."
I shrug. "Beats me. We have five."
Applejack gazes wide-eyed at me. "Five genders?"
"Yeah." I nod. "Male. Female. Trans. Extra-Trans. And Brazilian."
"Whew-wee..." Applejack clutches her skull with a pained expression. "I ain't even sure I could wrap my apple-buckin' head around that!"
"It's okay." I snicker. "We tend to wrap other organs around it instead. Heh."
"Awwwww shucks..." Applejack rolls her eyes and slaps my knee. "You are the worst."
"Ow ow ow ow! "
"Oh! Heavens to Betsy!" She lovingly strokes my knee with the flat of her hoof, wincing. "I'm s-sorry! I wasn't even thinkin'!"
"It's okay..." I chuckle, nevertheless wincing. "I never wanted to play Saturnian Polo anyways."
"Will ya ever forgive me, sugarcube?"
"Depends."
"On what?"
I stand up, cradling her as a rhythmic chime emanates across the compartment's speakers. "On whether or not you pounce any more children on the walk home."
She giggles, burying her reddened face into my chest. "You're so sillyyyyy..."
"Yeah, well, at least I'm not the one with the Mommy clock," I say with a smirk, and walk us out of the train as the doors open at the station.
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
With a twist of the holo-key, my apartment door swishes open. I walk in sideways under the dim purple glow of sunset, carefully cradling the slumbering bundle of orange fuzz in my arm. Smiling to myself, I quietly close the door behind me, kick off my shoes, and shuffle across the foyer and into my living room.
Holding my breath, I carefully lower down to my knees and lay Applejack's body onto the leftmost couch cushion. Once I release my grip of her, I lean back, squinting at the pony's tiny tiny figure.
Her body rises and falls in liquid motion. Her lips are pursed open, inadvertently fluttering the golden ends of her wrap-around ponytail.
I sit there for a while, calm and quiet. Eventually, I get up and walk across the apartment to my closet. I pull out a tiny duvet and shuffle back. With silk-like grace, I drape it warmly across her figure.
For once, Applejack moves. A dumb smile drips across her soft face as she turns over, stretching with an inward trilling sound. She turns her back to me, scrunching her body into the nook of the sofa, bundled up tight in the blanket.
I exhale. I reach in and caress her bangs for half a minute. Then, with utmost silence, I get up and walk away.
"...sugarcube?"
I freeze in place. I turn around, blinking. "Ahem..." I shuffle back to the sofa. "Uhm... yes, AJ?"
She's lying still, her back to me. I see her orange ears twitching involuntarily. Her body rises and falls with a sigh, and at last she says, "Ya reckon I'm weak?"
I furrow my brow to that. "Weak?"
Her little head silently nods.
I shake my head. "I... I don't understand. How do you mean?"
"Just like it sounds..." She twists her head from underneath the blankets. Sad, sad freckles: "Do y'all think I'm a frail pony?"
"Applejack, I..." I fumble, then smirk. "You're certainly a little pony, but weak?"
"Well, maybe right next to you."
"Aj..." I squat down beside the couch. "What's all this about?"
"Mmmm..." Her hooves shift and squirm beneath the blanket as she stares away from me. "Nothin'. Forget I even said anythang."
"You do realize you're a horrible liar."
She bites her lip.
I wait silently.
At last, she mutters, "When this here sweatshirt first ever showed up in Equestria—what, with the note yer scientists wrote n'all—my friends and I rightly didn't know what to do with it. Portals to other worlds have never been much laughin' business where I come from, ya see. We were so plum concerned that we even got the Princesses in on it so that we could come up with an idea based on their wisdom."
"I... didn't realize it got that involved."
"Oh, it did. And for a sec there, it sure seemed like Twilight was gonna venture to put on the jacket and make the trip here herself, what with her bein' a responsible alicorn n'all..."
"Erm... right..." I nod. "What changed her mind?"
"I did," Applejack said firmly. "Twilight's a talented pony, and she means well, but I'd be darned if I let her put her neck in danger for no good reason. Royal authority or not..."
I smile. "That sounds awfully brave of you."
"Well, that's just it." With a quiet groan, Applejack sits up, rubbing her squinting eyelids. "Nnngh... I didn't become the most 'loyal and dependable pony' of Ponyville by accident. I got there by puttin' my best hoof forward and carryin' the weight for everypony I care for."
"Well, I guess I can see why Twilight agreed to let you make the trip in place of her."
"She... uhm..." Applejack fidgets and avoids my face. "She didn't."
I raise an eyebrow at that.
"Maybe ya haven't quite figured this out about me... or if you have, y'all've been gracious enough not to latch onto it." She gulps and gazes at me. "But I'm quite the stubborn mare."
I giggle and lean my chin against my knuckles. "You don't say..."
"Don't get sassy on me when I'm pourin' my heart out!" She frowns.
"Heehee... ahem. Sorry, Applejack." I clear my throat. "Do go on."
"Well, there ain't much more to say, really..." She gazes down at her hooves, kneading them in the thick duvet bunched around her. "I put the sweatjacket on one night without tellin' anypony and came here..."
"And thus, the Article bonded to you."
"Right. Even if Twilight wanted to teleport over to this world now, it was too late. I done took the bullet for her—as it were."
"Again, I think that was very brave of you." I chuckle. "If nothing else, it was courageous for the wrath of Twilight you'd have to endure."
"She ain't like that, darlin'. Sometimes I wish she was, but then she wouldn't be her , ya feel me?"
"Sure thing."
"I did it because... well... where I come from, it just makes sense ," Applejack says with a wincing expression. "I'm the one among our friends who takes the fall, who does the dangerous stuff. I mean—not like Rainbow Dash—I put my head into it a lot more. Cuz I gotta. I need to bounce back so I can still take care of the ponies I care for."
I nod. "You're strong ," I say.
She blinks, her eyes growing misty. "Am I, though?" Her muzzle quivers as her ears fold on either side of her head. "I mean... look at me..." She gestures to the sofa and the blanket. "Look at this? I know I go on and on about lovin' my sister Apple Bloom to death, but it's like I've become a lil' filly again myself..."
"And is that a bad thing?"
"Shouldn't it be, though?" Applejack gulps. She brings two shaky hooves up and fidgets with the end of her dangling ponytail. "I... I-I came here under dishonest and false pretenses because I felt it was what needed to be done to protect my friends. I sure didn't feel no good about it at the time, but I felt it was the strong thing to do. But... b-but now?"
I lean my head to the side. "Now, what, AJ?"
She sniffles. "I've taken advantage of yer generosity. And what's more... I've become a slacker ..."
I can't help but chuckle slightly at one. "You've become what? "
"Just what it sounds like." She frowns, her eyes glossy. "Used to be that all I would ever think about was the farm and tendin' to my crops. My apples used to mean everythang to me." A blink, and she rolls her eyes. "Nnngh... well, sure , they still do, but—I swear—I think less and less about apple buckin' and more and more each day about... about..." She fidgets. "...the next ch-chance I'll have for c-comin' here..."
I shrug. "You took your sweet time before your latest visit."
"Don't change the fact that my heart and my noggin' are in a different place than they used to be," Applejack mutters, her voice wavering. "And... I'm afraid... I-I'm afraid I'm gonna lose sight of what I once was. That I've changed from the strong and dependable pony who was sturdy enough to take the fall for Twilight. That now—with all the affection you and yer fellow humans shower upon me—I'm... I'm turning into... into..."
"What?"
She shakes her head, seething. "I dunno! But t'ain't right! I woulda slapped myself silly months ago if I knew I'd become a dainty mare who's become so addicted to op—... oppo—..." Her face twists. "...opium?"
I smile. "Opulence?"
She swats my shoulder with a frown. "Dun put words in my mouth! I know what I'm tryin' to say!"
"Heheh... sorry..."
She immediately looks guilty, crouching down low until she's drowning in the blanket like a cat in quicksand. "Mmmmmmm... I'm sorry to be so moody-like. But it's been botherin' me for a while..." She clenches her eyes shut. "And it's been botherin' me even more to know that I've been fightin' the urge to say how much it's been botherin' me." She sniffles and shakes her head with a squeaky tone, "T'ain't honest. T'ain't honest at all."
I sit there beside the couch, running a hand through my hair. After a long breath, I smile and gaze at her. "Applejack, you really... truly are being too hard on yourself."
"Hmmmph..." She sighs into the blanket. "What makes you so sure?"
"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe all the relaxation you've done during our time together has been something well-earned?"
She grunts and stares blearily my way. "I dun see myself sweatin' up a storm."
"So?"
She's silent.
I get up and sit on the couch cushion next to her. Reaching over, I stroke her mane and say, "You wanna know what I think, AJ?"
"Hmmmm... what?"
"I think ponies have a purpose, as do humans. And I believe that the inherent differences are what make them such perfect friends for each other." I tilt her chin up so that she's staring at me. "What if... just perhaps... every pony was secretly made to be cherished? That's perfect, you see..." I smile. "Because every person—I believe—secretly wants to cherish something ."
Applejack blinks at me. She sniffles. "You reckon it's that simple?"
I slowly nod. "I like to think so."
She gazes down at the floor. I choose this time to scratch behind her ear, and she shuts her moist eyes with an inward chuckle. "Hmmmm... I would like to think so too..."
"Applejack, listen to me."
She looks my way, blinking.
"Don't you ever feel guilty about it, okay? Whatever you do in Equestria—for your friends and everypony—that's all well and good. You're a wonderful, strong pony, and you have many things to be proud of, and so do your friends. So don't let fear and doubt ruin that, ya hear?" I brush her ponytail back and lean back with a smile. "You're welcome to be Apple Bloom here . You're the one pony in this universe and the next that deserves it, I think."
She stares up at me. At last, the tears flow, and her next breath is a quivering one. Nevertheless, a warm smile hangs from her muzzle.
I lean my head down. "Okay?"
"...okay..." Applejack nods, rubbing one cheek, then the next. A slight giggle escapes her lips, and she plops forward, resting her face and forelimb against my side. I drape two arms around her, giving her shoulders a slight squeeze through the hoodie. She murmurs something unintelligible, but I don't bother asking her to repeat it.
A full minute passes by. Maybe two. She shudders and leans back. I lower my hands and watch as she takes a deep breath.
"I... uh... I really should be gettin' back," she murmurs, still smiling faintly. "Got lots to do in the morning..."
"I can only imagine..."
"Thanks for showin' me where you work," she says, sitting upright with a thankful smile. "Thanks for everythang..."
"I'm more than happy, Applejack," I say.
She lets loose a little guffaw.
I blink. "What?"
"Y'know..." She sighs, looking at me tenderly. "There was a time when I didn't believe you when you said that."
I'm silent.
She gulps and says, "Right... best be moseyin' along..."
"Here, allow me—" I reach to her hoodie.
"Thanks, but no thanks, sugarcube." She gently presses my hand away and pulls the hoodie over her blonde crown. "I've got this."
"Heh... sure thing..."
"Until next time." She gazes up at me. A lasting smile. Her hooves wrap around each of the strings and pull...
The hoodie becomes one with the duvet. I'm suddenly aware of the apartment and all its cold shadows.
As my eyes adjust to the lack of color, I realize that I'm not smiling anymore. I take a deep breath, pick the Article up, and slouch towards my room to recharge it. When I reach the doorframe, I stop suddenly. I feel stuck between two spaces with only the cold sound of my breaths to give cadence. Hugging the hoodie to my chest, I press my back to the doorframe. My legs give out, and I slide slowly to the floor.
I'm not sure how long I linger down there. At some point, I sense darkness falling outside the apartment windows. The closest I've ever been to Sol was a lackluster cruise around Phobos ten years ago, but the golden bundle of joy I carried for most of today makes me think otherwise.
I take a short, bitter shower and limp my way to bed. I throw the covers over myself and commune with darkness. Here, the tears last half as long as I do, and I don't have to think for much longer.
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
I'm nearly finished with typing out an e-mail across my holoboard when I suddenly get a message screaming at me with translucent brilliance. I wince slightly, then sigh once I see who it's from. Leaning on the edge of my sofa, I point at the message and drag my gloves apart, maximizing the document in the middle of my living room.
Making a fist and spreading my fingers, I open the text, then blink confusedly at the short message: "I've got something super awesome to show you. Top floor of the spire. Upper balcony. Be there in 5. Don't be late, sweet-toes."
I raise an eyebrow, then groan.
"The Hell is this about...?"
With a flick of my gloved wrist, I return to my e-mail. I've completely lost my train of thought and don't know how to finish the document.
"Nnnngh... Zoram damn it ."
I sit there for a few seconds, then ultimately roll my eyes. I quick-save the e-mail, then slide my gloves off. The holoscreens vanish as I place the items down onto the nearby table, grab a coat, and shuffle out my front door.
It's a bright, purple day. The air buzzes with hovercraft as I make my way to the lift and press the console button for the topmost floor. I watch through the glass windows as the Sprawl undulates below me. The spire that houses my apartment curves towards the top, so that it feels like flying backwards as I make my way to the summit.
Within a minute, I've reached my destination. The doors open with a ding , and I squint into the high winds as I walk out onto the skyscraper's top balconies. To my left and right, artificially grown ferns bend and flounce with the breeze. A chill runs through my body as I ascend the granite steps to the topmost level, hugging myself through my jacket sleeves.
Above me, Jupiter occupies the bulk of the sky. Its swirling eddies drift magnificently across its latitudes in liquid motion. I see the sphere of Io floating between us, its large body forming a dark spot against the planet's nebulous surface. It's such a serene and peaceful moment. I can only be alone.
"Where in Titan's forges is he?" I look about.
"Aluminium silcates..."
I jump in place, then glance straight down. "H-huh?!"
"Siliceous pozzolanic ash..." A gray hoof runs across the concrete surface of the balcony behind us. "It must be what makes the hydraulic process possible," a voice drones, followed by a pair of turquoise eyes that take a full three-and-a-half seconds to blink. She tilts her muzzle up at me, her gray deadpan face framed by straight violet bangs. "For mass human cementing."
I blink back. "Uhhhhhh..."
She stares up at me. Again, a long and liquid blink. Her eyelids are colored the same as her mane and tail. A baggy yellow hoodie clings to her petite figure.
I squirm uncomfortably. Clearing my throat, I ask, "And you are...?"
"Made of carbon and mostly water," she murmurs in a dull, lifeless voice. I detect no bitterness or joy. It's just a sound, a sound that's attached to a pony's soft, motionless head. "And this rooftop balcony is angled at a three percent grade, declining towards the northeast."
"Uhm..." I gulp and scratch my head. "You don't say..."
"Ha! " A familiar voice barks behind me. I turn to see my next-door neighbor bounding around the corner with a spring to his step. "Surpriiiiise!" Aynrandy stands besides the pony, pointing with two wildly gesturing arms. "What do you think? Eh? Ehhhh? "
"Uhhhh..."
"Told you I'd win that raffle, smarty-ruffles!" He winks. "Looks like you're not the only one to have a pony now!"
"I can see that."
"Well, don't just stand there!" Aynrandy kneels and scoops the mare up in his arms. He stands in front of me, cradling the deadpan pony like a little gray cat. "Say hello to my new bestest best friend in the whole solar system! Mable!"
"It's Maud Pie," she drips.
"Whatever." He winks at me. "Cute as the dickens, though, isn't she? "
"Well... Ayn..." I brush my bangs back and smile awkwardly. "She certainly is... uhh... lively ."
"Iknowright?!" Aynrandy bites his lip, squealing inwardly as he rocks the little thing and brushes back its mane. "I never thought a heartbeat could be so tiny... so precious. Zoram help me—I'm all gooey in my cyberplugs!"
"Aynrandy is also made of carbon and mostly water," Maud Pie murmurs, lying back in his arms with her forelimbs curled listlessly against her yellow-clad chest. "Only, he has even more carbon and water, because he is large." A three-and-a-half-second-blink. "And I am not."
"Sounds like my friend, alright." I say. Stepping forward, I squat down until my eyes are level with the mare's. "Hello there, Maud. Do you know Applejack?"
"There's a pony by that name who spends time with my sister," Maud says.
"Hah!" Aynrandy grins. "Can you imagine that? Whew! Small stable, am I right?"
"She let me peel apples with her once," Maud says. "And then she stopped letting me peel apples. We all sat down and drank cider together. It tasted like apples."
"Well, that certainly sounds..." I fidget. "...festive."
"Yeah, well, okay..." Aynrandy shrugs. "So she's a little bit dull on the surface. But the moment you get her talking about geology?" He winks. "She's a veritable bag of fluff and giggles."
"I'm told that Ganymede once had an iron-rich liquid core that was mostly surrounded by frozen water. Then humans terraformed it and covered the oceanic surfaces with broad titanium plates stacked with artificial topsoil." Maud Pie blinks icily. "I am positively thrilled to witness such an engineering marvel."
"See what I m-mean?" Aynrandy sputters with a nervous smile.
"Pretty much." I glance at him. "Are you the only one who...?"
He shakes his head. "Nope. A few others got new prototypes as well." He smirks and reaches down to finger the tag of the hoodie. "Article Zero Point One, Sweetiekins." He winks. "Last time I heard, there were at least six new outfits being beta tested."
"Six...?" I gulp and hug myself in the chilling wind. I glance aside. "I see..."
"Hey! Don't look so glum! It's all for the best, y'know! Already, they've made several vast improvements with the latest models! And guess who gets to demonstrate them?"
"Uhhhh..."
"That's partly why I brought you up here."
"It is?"
"Check this out, bright-eyes!" Aynrandy smirks and pets Maud's head. "Hey, Marilyn!"
"Maud Pie."
"You ready for that killer sweet test we talked about?"
She stares dully up at him. "I have never been more prepared for anything in my life."
"Alrighty then!" Aynrandy spins his body and tosses Maud clear off the balcony. "Aaaaaaand away! !"
I gasp the full extent of my lungs out through my gaping mouth. "Ayn!" I plow past him, scrambling for the balcony's ledge. "Have you lost your damned mind?!"
"Uhhhh..." He taps his chin, shrugging. "Months ago when we had that drinking game on Callisto, remember?"
I'm too busy scrambling down the steps to the lower balcony. I glance over the side in time to see Maud's tiny gray body plunging to the rock-hard platform below. "Oh jeez... oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez! "
Scampering against the high winds, I rush around a flight of steps and practically hop my way down to the lower level. At last, I reach the impact sight, breathless. My shoes scuffle against the ground and I stand in place, numb. "What... it... but... how...?"
Maud is gone, but her hoodie isn't. The Article lies flat and empty on the concrete, its sleeves fluttering in the wind.
"But she just... I-I swear I saw her..."
"Heeeee!" Aynrandy slides down the concrete banister and lands beside me. "Smextastic, isn't it?" He squats down and lifts the empty hoodie, flinging it between us like a cape. "Brand new built-in safety measures!" His bright smile reflects the yellow of the Article. "The on-board fiber computer detects dangerous hazards and overrides the trans-dimensional cohesion buffers!"
"Then... then..." I run a sweaty hand through my hair. "You mean she's..."
"Yup! Safe and sound back in Dirgemane! Duffmuck? Pffft... Whatever the Hell her hometown is called." He cups a hand around his mouth and whispers, "She farms rocks , can you believe it?"
I simply glare at him.
"Don't give me that face!" He smirks. "I'm cuddling ponies! For science! Just like you!" A slight chuckle. "Speaking of which..." He spreads the hoodie out. "Check this shit out. Ahem ... Bring me pony."
Fl-Flash!
Maud materializes, lying on her back with her legs folded skyward. "That was the very definition of intense."
"Welcome back, Megan!" Aynrandy picks her up and sets her down gently on her hooves before scratching lightly behind her ears. "How'd it go on your end?"
"I appeared on the front porch in a halo of light," she drones. "My mother shrieked and caused the rain gutters to fall." A long blink. "It was funny."
"See? New security measures! Voice authorization!" He smirks up at me while ruffling the pony's violet mane. "She couldn't possibly be happier... or safer!"
"Wow, those are some... uhm..." I smile awkwardly. "...fancy improvements."
"No doubt thanks to the notes that you took with Orangejizz."
"Applejack," Maud Pie drones.
"Right. My bad."
Maud gazes thinly up at me. "Aynrandy says that soon I'll be able to bring living matter with me in the pockets of this jacket."
"Oh!" I smile. "Like flowers or cooked food?"
"My pet." She blinks. "He's a rock." She blinks again. "His name is Boulder."
I stare at her for a good few seconds. I then turn and grin plastically at my friend. "Looks like you're on the verge of a glorious new horizon, Ayn."
"You know it, darling!" He picks Maud up and cradles her gently as he stands beside me. "But it's not all experiments and spreadsheets, y'know. Maud specifically volunteered for this little shindig, and I'm totally gonna make it up to her!"
She neutrally gazes my way while being petted. "Aynrandy has promised to show me Phobos, an irregularly shaped moon in declining orbit around the planet Mars." A blink. "It's essentially a giant rock." An even longer blink. "I like rocks."
"Heh..." I stifle a giggle. "I had no idea."
"And don't you worry. I've been saving up for such a trip for ages now." Aynrandy smirks. "I knew I delayed all that vacation time for a reason. Plus, the Viking is super friendly about it, especially since I told him that I won the raffle."
"Ayn..." I sigh, shaking my head. "How many times do I have to tell you? Don't call our boss—"
"And when I get back, you'll join us at the picnic, right?"
I blink awkwardly. "Picnic?"
"Oh! Uhm..." Ayn blushes slightly. "I mean we're totally having a picnic!" He grins. "Rushlimbaugh and Piersmorgan from the film crew have already responded to my e-mails!"
"What, they won the raffle too?"
"Yup! And you can bet your fannie they're bringing some adoracute poni poni poni with them!"
"That... uh..." I adjust the sleeves of my jacket. "That sounds kind of pleasant, actually..."
"You should totally bring Acrejam!"
"Heh..." I smirk. "I'll ask Applejack about it first, thanks."
"And I will bring Boulder," Maud Pie murmurs, then glances up at my neighbor. "Aynrandy, do you think it will be okay if I bring Boulder?"
"Heh... you can bring a friggin' avalanche, for all I care."
"Good. Because Boulder likes to be in the outdoors." She leans calmly into Ayn's chest, staring off into the Sprawl's skyline. "So long as I'm around, I promise he won't bite anypony."
"Stranger things have happened this side of Uranus."
"Just answer me one thing, Ayn." I walk towards the two, cocking my head curiously aside. "With this latest bunch of prototypes being given out—have they changed the date of the broadcast at all?"
"What, you mean for the public reveal?"
"Right..."
"Beats the heck out of me. I'm just glad I got some cuddles of my own out of it." He smirks. "Maybe you should ask the Viking."
"Eugh... I dunno..."
"Pfft. Not like he's gonna give you a fresh hatchet wound or anything!" He turns and shuffles off with the tiny mare in his grasp. "Come along, Minerva. We've got ourselves a giant-ass rock named after a Greek god of Terror to catch!"
Her tail makes a tiny, tiny flicking motion. "I am beside myself with ecstasy."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"Maud Pie?!" Applejack's grin is the widest and brightest I've ever seen it. I feel her tiny heart skipping a beat from where she lies against my chest. "Well, tie a purple bow around my tail and call me a 'silly pony!'"
"Heh..." I smirk, reaching a hand up to stroke the pony's mane. "Don't tempt me..."
"Pinkie's sister has gotten into the program?" Applejack's hooves curl against my sternum as she fights her way through an explosively jubilant guffaw. "That's about the silliest news I've heard in ages!" She catches her breath, smirking. "And yet some of the best. Who toldja?"
"Mmmm... Aynrandy." I gaze off the sofa and flick my glove, fast-forwarding past the ancient commercial projected holographically before us. At last, the broadcast resumes, and a shirtless adonis approaches the wrestling ring with a scantily clad blonde clinging to his shoulder. "Lucky guy won the raffle, and the pony who volunteered on the other end was your friend's sibling."
"Heh, I reckon that makes you both lucky."
I nod. Three seconds pass, and I belatedly make eye contact with her. "Yes! Uhm... yes it does."
"Still, that just plum kills me!" Applejack chuckles, turning over to her side so she can watch the wrestling match with two lazy eyes. "Ever since I came back from my first trip to this place, Pinkie's been besides herself with jealousy."
"Ew. That sounds rather unfortunate."
"Heh. You don't know Pinkie. T'ain't nothin' bitter or resentful , mind you. Pinkie's got the sensibilities of a lil' filly from time to time. That's what makes her so charming..."
"...and annoying , I bet."
"Hmmph..." Applejack winks aside at me. "Nopony's perfect, darlin'."
I gulp. "Er... right..."
"But I'm just tryin' to imagine her face when I tell her that her sister got a hoodie ahead of her." Applejack covers her freckled muzzle to contain her giggles. "Mmmmm—ohhhhh Celestia . I reckon she might explode."
"Maybe it's best not to tell her."
"Have y'all forgotten who yer talkin' to?"
I roll my eyes and smirk. "Stupid me."
"If nothin' else, I think she'll consider it the mother of all practical jokes. And the fact that it's Maud will undoubtedly fill her with joy n'such. Ya see, Pinkie has this way of countin' just about anythang as an excuse to be happy, even if it means her havin' to wait for another golden opportunity for goodness knows how long..."
"She's really bent on showing up on Ganymede, huh?"
"Oh, she's been dreamin' about it! Some nonsense about 'party rockin' the moon out of orbit.'"
"That could prove detrimental for the rest of the Jupiter system."
"Yes, well, Pinkie Pie sure dun have no grasp of subtlety." Applejack's muzzle scrunches. "Speakin' of which, why's that fella comin' out on the runway have so much flippin' makeup on?"
"Oh, that's Golddust ."
"Y'all don't say?" Applejack blinks. "I thought he'd given up the schtick to follow the 'old time religion?'"
"Heh. The whole 'reformed Dustin Reynolds' thing was a work. Now Golddust has returned to feud with Val Venis over his affair with Marlena."
"Heavens to Betsy..." Applejack shakes her head with a limp smirk. "I've seen stompin' hydras and town-devourin' parasprites, but nothing's quite as silly as the stuff you show me..."
"My pleasure." I scratch behind her ear, but pause. After a breath: "Applejack?"
Her eyes are glued to the holo-screen. "Yes, sugarcube?"
"Do... do a lot of ponies want to cross over like you and Maud have?"
"Mmmm... I reckon..." She lies her fuzzy cheek against my chest. Her bangs flounce with the rise and fall of my breaths. "Wasn't always the case, of course. When the first hoodie appeared, most of us were plum frightened."
"Including Twilight," I say with a nod. "The alicorn you bravely took the fall for, right?"
"And one of my absolute best and smartest friends in whole wide world." Applejack tilts her face towards me, smiling. "At first, she was none too pleased with me for stealin' the hoodie from her, but she came around. Guess she figured that I only put the article on to make sure that every pony I cared for didn't get needlessly hurt."
"I still think that was one of the sweetest things I've ever heard anyone doing for a friend."
"Awwww... yer too sweet, darlin'." Applejack gazes at the wrestling match once again. "But, truth is, after I kept comin' back to Equestria—safe and sound each time—word about the hoodie spread. And once the other ones appeared—"
"Just where did they show up?"
"Hmm? Oh! In Ponyville, just like mine did."
"And—what—did Twilight gather them up or somethin'?"
"Yup. Took them to Canterlot for Celestia and Luna and Cadance to examine. Between the whole lot of them, they decided that it was a-okay to go on with the whole process, and they entrusted Twilight with the... erm..."
"What?"
"Reckon I don't know of a fancy way to describe it. It's kind of like an application process, but even that makes it sound boring."
"And Twilight's the one managing it, huh?"
"Yep. She's chosen to be all secret-like about it too, probably 'cuz she doesn't want to make it seem like she's doin' anypony any favors over others just 'cuz she knows them."
"So I guess that's why Pinkie Pie hasn't gotten a hoodie."
"Well... heh... I think we both know why."
"Right." I nod. "And Ganymede is most likely thankful to keep its orbit."
"Darn tootin'."
"Has it been hard for Twilight?" I resume stroking Applejack's mane. "I mean... Do the rest of your gal pals want in on the program?"
"Mmmm... it's hard to say." Applejack taps her chin in thought. "Rainbow Dash wants nothin' to do with it, which ain't surprisin'. You can't put a dress on the girl, much less a hoodie, and expect her to keep it on for ten seconds ."
"Uh huh... sounds like Rainbow Dash, alright."
"Fluttershy's too plum scared to visit another world, bless her heart. You know about Pinkie. Rarity, on the other hoof..."
"Wuh oh..."
"'Wuh oh' is right." Applejack rolls her eyes. "The moment I told her about how much you pamper me—"
"Pffft! " I scoff. "I do not pamper you."
Applejack raises her head with a squinting expression. "Carryin' me across the street? Layin' a blanket over me while I'm takin' a nap? Brushin' my hair to a golden shine?"
I bite my lip and avoid her gaze. "Y-yeah... well..."
"Anyways..." Applejack lies against my chest again. "We all know that Rarity wants to cross over. Only cuz the dayum mare talks about it everyday . Whew! She even talks about it more than I do!"
"Sounds like a mare who knows what she wants."
"And how . Reckon it kills her inside to know I'm enjoyin' the fruits of this program instead of her."
"Is..." I raise an eyebrow. "Is that a tone of pride that I'm hearing?"
"Uhm..." Applejack hides her face in the golden length of her ponytail. Her freckles immediately melt in a rosy sea. "M-maybe..."
"Hmmmm..." I fight the urge to giggle. "'Rarity' sounds too delicate a name for a pony being crushed that immensely."
"Awwwwwwww shucks!" Applejack positively blanches. "Don't put it that way! Now I feel plum awful!"
"Heeheehee..." I tickle her chin. "I'm just teasin'."
"Well stop it!" She pouts. "Stop teasin'!"
I stare at her.
"That teasin', I mean..." She fidgets.
I smile and resume scratching her ears.
She drapes against my chest with a sigh and purs, "What was I talkin' about...?"
"Rarity's so envious, she's greener than baby shit."
"Oh. Right. Heheheheh—" Applejack slaps a hoof over her muzzle to silence her chuckles. Clearing her throat, she says, "Rarity's a darlin'. She really is. But she and I go way back, and that there's a bumpy road, lemme tell ya..."
"But, overall, your friends are okay with you doing this?" I ask. "Bouncing back and forth as part of the program?"
"Oh. Yes. Darn tootin'." Applejack breathes through a calm smile. "I'm almost surprised at how much support they've been givin' me. It's almost like... almost like..."
"What?"
"Well..." Her hooves knead against my shirt in a pensive manner. She sighs and says, "After last time... when I left y'all... y'know... after our heart-to-heart and such..."
"Yes...?"
"Well, I... I asked them if they all thought that... th-that I had changed somehow... or if I had become... y'know... weak ."
I glance at her. "And?"
"Hmmmm... what do ya think?" Applejack sighs pleasantly, rolling over so that she's lying with her back against me. Her legs curl up over her chest as she glances at me upside down. "They told me that it was high-time I found a chance to unwind, that I had done nothin' but earned it in all the time they've known me."
"Well..." I smirk. "Imagine that. What did I tell you?"
"I know... I know ." Applejack gazes at the wrestling match, her eyes tracing sweaty flesh being suplexed into the mat. "Just... hearin' them say it to me... out loud... after all the time I've done my best to look after them." She bites her lip, then eventually murmurs, "It felt like trottin' out onto a glistening orchard right after the rain. Reckon I didn't know I'd been so worried for so long."
"Worried? About what?"
"About how relaxed they felt... about how safe they felt... because I've always been around for them..."
I play with the bangs over her head. "You're a good pony, Applejack. Your friends are lucky to have you always there for them. I think it's a wonderful thing that they finally got a chance to tell you in person."
"Yes, well, only cuz I gave it to them." She gulps and blinks up at me. "Cuz you had g-given it to me. I... I wanted to thank you, darlin'."
I smile. "Just being here is thanks enough, AJ. You are..." I fumble a bit, then say, "It's so very nice having you around."
She grins upside down, her freckles bright and lively.
"So, then..." I rest my hands behind my neck. "You really don't know who the other ponies are who are getting the articles?"
"No, darlin'." She shakes her head. "I only found out about Maud Pie because of you."
"Twilight's that secretive, huh?"
"She has to be, I reckon. Rarity and Pinkie Pie ain't the only curious ponies. I'm plum afraid of a riot breaking out, some days."
"Heh... a pony riot. I'd pay to see that."
"T'ain't as cute as you think. I still hear stories from Braeburn about this one year the hockey team won in Fillydelphia." Applejack shudders from head to tail. "Why they dun just save the buckin' fights for the ice is beyond me."
"Well, guess what?" I crane my neck as I catch her attention. "Aynrandy's invited me to a picnic."
"Hmmm? A picnic?"
"For the article experimenters," I say. "Two other people from our office are already confirmed to be there at the park with their pony friends." I smile. "He's asked me to come... and bring you, if you'd like."
"A chance to see Maud again?" Applejack's eyes blink brightly. "And the other fellers and gals joinin' this here program!" She rolls around and stands on my chest. "Yeeeha! Sign me up!"
"Heeheehee... okay..." I wave a hand. "You don't need to go stampeding all over my rib cage!"
She winces and sits down on curled legs. "Beg yer pardon..."
"It's alright..."
"I mean... I absolutely lurve picnics. But gettin' a chance to meet other ponies... and humans? Sounds like a rip roarin' good ol' time!"
"Well, glad you're on board."
"Though, I really wish I could bring a basket of home-baked apple pies with me," Applejack deflates with a sigh. "Or at least some lettuce sandwiches..."
"You might wanna consider mailing them to Maud Pie's home."
"Oh? Why's that?"
"Well, according to Ayn, the hoodies have received an upgrade. They can carry organic substances now—including foodstuffs."
"Yer pullin' my tail!"
"I swear it's the truth."
"Whewee! I just might go ahead and do that!" She smirks. "I'll have Rainbow Dash carry a whole bushel of apples to Pinkie's hometown! That squeaky-voiced speedster could get there in a wink, I tells ya!"
"Well... I don't think Maud could bring a bushel of fruit over."
"Erm... right. That's a might bit pushin' it, I reckon..."
"Still, something like this will give you plenty to write home about."
"Or just tell Twilight right to her face." Applejack sticks a tongue out. "Seein' as she's my close friend and all."
"Uh... of course..." I smile nervously. "I keep forgetting you're buddy-buddy with a princess."
"If nothin' else, it'll set her mind at ease about this whole thang."
I raise an eyebrow. "Is she still worried over the program?"
"Not that she wants to be, only 'cuz it's her duty and such."
"As a Princess..."
"Right. Sometimes, I swear, it's like she's lookin' for reasons to be paranoid where there ain't none."
"Well, maybe she does have a reason to be worried about humans."
Applejack blinks at me. "Buh?"
"Haven't I told you?" I grin slowly, icily, from ear to ear. "This whole program is just the first, monumental step."
Applejack gulps, her body scrunching down into an orange ball. "The f-first step to what? "
"The whole solar system is dying because of our ecological arrogance and excessive hubris. Soon, because of dwindling resources and overpopulation, we're going to have to migrate from this realm to yours. Already, as we speak, a special bureau of genetic scientists are working on a way to convert all humans into tiny equines so that we can don the trans-dimensional hoodies and gallop our way over to Equestria so that we can live in unadulterated joy and harmony."
Applejack stares at me... gawks at me.
I continue to grin back at her.
She blinks, then frowns. "Ya stinkin' varmint!" She swats my chest.
"Heeheeheehee!" I'm an explosion of giggles.
"That's the most plum stupid thang I ever did hear!" She wheezes. "I can't believe you actually had me for a second!"
"Awwwwww..." I caress her chin. "But nothing gets by you, honest Applejack!"
"Grrrr!" She bats my hand away and sits up, turning away from me with crossed forelimbs. "Of all the dag-gum, mind-muddyin' wives tales..."
"Pffft. Like I'd give up cheeseburgers and anti-gravity basketball for becoming a horse ."
"Nnngh... snrkkk... snkkkktkkkt—" Her shoulders shake and quiver.
I point. "Don't fight it..."
"Gaaah-haah-haah-haaah!" She reaches for an invisible fedora to slap against her knee. The pony's hoodie flounces as she falls back against me. I wrap an arm around her and she settles her incessant laughter by nuzzling my shoulder. "Heh-heh-heh... hehhhh... yer somethin' else, sugarcube."
I nod. "So I've been told."
We both turn towards the holo-projector just in time to see a man in a glitzy outfit take a running start, soar across the ring, and slam his calf straight between the legs of another wrestler.
"Oooooh..." Applejack winces. "That had to have stung ..."
"Mmmmhmmm..." I nod. "In more ways than five, especially if you count Wrestlemania CCLXI at Venutian Sao Paulo."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
I hear her little voice humming through the door. I know this because I'm standing right by it, fidgeting nervously... awkwardly...
For the umpteenth time, I raise my knuckles and knock on the doorframe. "Applejack...?"
"Just a moment, sugarcube. "
"I... uhm..." I chew on my bottom lip in a worried fashion. "I really... really think we should just send you back home for this."
"Don't be silly! I got this down pat!"
"But, Applejack..."
"Besides, I dun wanna leave yet! I wanna stick around with you and watch that 'heart' feller show the other wrestlers who's boss!"
"Uhm, actually he's the 'Blue Blazer' right now." I turn and gaze briefly into the frozen hologram in the middle of the living room. "Though, he doesn't exactly stay either for very much longer." A shudder, and I turn back to the door. "You sure you don't need help in there or—"
"Oh please. I ain't no lil' filly, and it's not like humans have things built all that differently."
"I know, but... you're so tiny and... and..." I grit my teeth. "It's hard enough watching you try and hop up onto the sofa, much less—"
"I done told you—I got this!"
"Right... well..." I take a deep breath and start to shuffle away across the apartment. "If you need anything... anything whatsoever, don't be afraid to—"
"Whoah nelly!" I hear a muffled thud , followed by a rampant splashing sound.
I blink. "Applejack?"
More and more splashing . It sounds like there's a fish-out-of-water inside, laced with the mare's panicked grunts.
"Applejack?!" I start to hyperventilate, my eyes imagining a yellow hoodie deflating to a lower balcony, devoid of any pony. My heart sends a jolt to my throat as I envision my little friend's blue article lying in a crumpled, mangled heap somewhere. "Applejack!" My hand flies to the doorknob. "I'm coming in!"
"Wait! It's okay! It's okay! I've got—"
Too late. I burst in through the door and stare—breathless—across the bathroom.
Applejack's left leg and tail are stuck inside the empty toilet. She's half-emerged, her bangs dripping with clean moisture as she stares—wide eyed—back at me. "I... er..." She blushes red as a beet. "I reckon I slipped before I even got started..."
"... ... ..." I stare at her.
She blinks, glances down at her water-soaked hoodie, then looks back up at me. Her cheeks look like they're about to explode with freckled popcorn.
"Snkkkt—"
"Heh heh heh..."
"Heeheehee!"
"Haah haah haah!" She finally pulls the rest of her lower self out of the bowl and shakes it in the air behind her like a cat. "Whewwwww..." She nods her soaked mane towards the stall beside her. "Think I could trouble you for the use of yer shower instead?"
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh no..." Tittering, I march forward and lift her out of the appliance by her shoulders. "You almost drowned once. I'm not letting it happen a second time."
"Awwwwww poo." Applejack says, then grimaces. "Er... y-you know what I mean."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
It's a mundane day, and I'm sitting at my desk inside the cubicle at work. My gloves flip through holographic spreadsheets as I review the following week's itinerary with glazed eyes. By the fifth yawn of the hour, I hear a chiming sound in my ears. I glance towards the upper right to see a beacon floating above the other translucent windows. Flicking my glove, I maximize the e-mail and drag it into the center of my vision.
All it takes is an eye-twitch or two, and I see who it was that sent the e-mail. My blood runs cold. I wince so hard that I'm certain all of my hairs will spring free from their roots.
"Crud... crud crud crud crud crud crud crud! "
I scramble. I fumble. I swing left and right in my desk chair while dragging various holo-files from a deep sea of clustered folders. I shuffle a series of hand-typed notes together and stuff them into a compressed directory.
"Crud bagels on a Zoram-damned pizza!" I hiss.
A familiar face pokes into my cubicle. "Is everything alright?"
I smile awkwardly at her. "Y-yeah. Just... j-just lost track of time. It's okay, though." I gulp. "Go back to whatever it was you were doing, Barbarawalters."
She nods with a nervous smile, backing nervously away.
Standing up, I clap my gloves together, canceling the holo-screen before rushing out of my office. I leave word with the receptionist and grab the next hover-bus for the Sprawl's Tech District. The ride there is a long and squirming one. It doesn't help that I've only made this trip twice before. It feels so long since the last trip. I can't believe I almost forgot my scheduled appointment. My heart races as I imagine all of the terrible outcomes to this inevitable meeting.
Nevertheless, I keep calm. I take deep breaths and stare out the immaculate thermo-glass. At last, we're pulling around to the edge of the Tech District. Minutes later, we thread through a series of geometrically rigid buildings brimming with electrical energy. Deep down in these shadows, it's hard to spot a single sliver of Ganymede's purple sky. I feel like I'm swallowed by some gigantic metal beast. The metaphor becomes even more accurate as soon as the hoverbus touches down and swings its doors open. I feel overcome with the nauseating smell of fission exhaust. Holding my lunch in, I step out of the craft and make for the mag-lev trams that lead into the inner junctions of the mid-level factories.
Here, the walls are brown and grimy despite endless hours of automated cleansing. Tiny, squirming, insectoid things that have no business dwelling in a sterilized environment have found new lives here. They scurry away from my heels as I shuffle forward, making my way for the junction above. A security guard smiles a little too pleasantly for my nerves, and I'm allowed into a lift that takes me even further down into the metallic bowels of this place.
Before I know it, the doors open, and I'm squinting into a brightly-lit hallway. The walls are unsettlingly white here, and the air conditioning vents overhead has been pumped up to compensate for the stifling insulation. I walk down a long corridor, passed several unassuming doors leading to unassuming facilities operated by unassuming people.
At last, I reach a door marked with a single name, a name that matches the e-mail that was sent me. Before I can knock on it, the door snaps open on its own. I hear a voice crackling through a speaker in desperate need of repair: "Thanks for showing up in such a prompt manner. Proceed into the Secondary Testing Chamber. The Professor will be with you shortly."
Without wasting any time, I do as I'm told. I walk down an even tinier corridor beyond the door. I glance to my left as I pass by a glass-encased desk. The receptionist who buzzed me in is busily typing away at a holoscreen. I can't see her face; I'm not sure I ever have.
Now this part, I do remember. I walk past two doors, hang a right, and go into the first chamber I see to my left. A wide room opens before me. The walls are laced with thick metal, and there are black splotches and acid burns marking the chamber in random places. It's brightly-lit here too, allowing me to see every iota of detail: from the piles of haphazardly abandoned electrical tools to the counters laced with felt textiles and electroweave.
Then, on a table in the center of the room, I see no less than half-a-dozen articles lying in a crumpled heap. They're hoodies, bearing colors ranging from vomit-green to jaundice-yellow. The sleeves are ragged with age. The necklines are tattered from unknown amounts of experimentation.
I'm so busy staring that I don't realize that I'm not alone anymore.
"Hmmmm. Still standing upright. Smooth skin. Healthy complexion. Hmmm. Hmmm. That rules out rapid cellular decay from quantum exposure."
I turn around with a blink. "Professor!" I hear my voice cracking and I clear my throat. My posture is straight and respectful. "I-I'm sorry for not replying to your last e-mail. Time flew by and—"
"Chronotonic distortion of zero point thirty-seven percent magnitude. Hmmm. Hmmm." The Professor turns toward me. A head lifts from the clipboard. Beady green eyes above pasty skin. Frazzled, raggedy gray hair. The person's barely older than me on the inside. That's what churns my stomach the most. "Hmmm. No apparent degradation on the exterior." Without warning, the Professor raises a needle-point cylinder to my eye and presses a switch. I feel a pulse of light soar through my skull, into my brain, and straight out the base of my spine. "Motor functions, appropriately nominal. Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm. Above expectations. Hmmm."
I try my best not to wince. I feel neurons coming to a slow drift through my brain stem once again. Exhaling, I raise my gloves and say: "I've got the data you asked for. Unless, of course..." I blink as the Professor shuffles straight past me, twitching with every other step. "...you... g-got all you need?"
"Hmmm. Never enough. Keep on collecting data. Even to the brink of death. Hmmm. Yes. Mortality rate of subjects unknown." Hands reach up and toy with a stringy length of mossy hair. "Perhaps forever? Then what explains equilibrium beyond quantum transferrence? Hmmm. Hmmm."
"Erm... do... do you want me to give you the data I've collected?" I cough. "I've written journals too... y'know... to describe the functionability of the Prototype—"
"Hmmm. Right here. Hmmmm." The Professor slaps a wrist-band without looking at me. The thing spins around the arm and projects a glowing ring between us. "Throw. Hmmm. Hmm. Throw it all."
I gulp, shrug, and flick my gloves to life. Reaching into the compressed folder, I pull out a wad of files... ready my arm... and toss it across the room.
The glowing particles of data rattle through the ring. With a beeping sound, the projection dissipates, and the Professor turns about-face, walking across the room in a zig-zagged shuffle.
"Hmmm. Expected. Expected. Expected." A twitching hand runs across a pasty forehead. One beady eye glows, being fed information through a cybernetic biowire. "Also expected. Hmmm. True to data metrics. Too true to data metrics. Alarming rate of predictability. Hmm. Hmmm. Hmmm. Frighteningly formulaic."
"I... I-I don't understand, Professor," I stammer, my eyes falling to follow the shuffling feet-feet-feet. "That's a good thing, right? I collected the data like you asked. If it's falling within expected parameters, then—"
"Hmmm. Hmmm. Any distress on behalf of the subject?"
"Huh?" I blink. "Oh, you're asking me directly?"
"Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm."
I shuffle where I stand. "Well... uh... Applejack's—I mean, the pony is doing fine . From what I can tell, she's absolutely happy to come visit and—"
"No. The subject. Hmmm. This subject. Yes. Hmm. This."
I squint curiously, my head tilted to the side. "...you mean me? "
"Yes. Me. Always me. Hmmm. Ever and ever me."
"I... I'm doing fine, Professor." I smile. "Heh... more than fine. I mean, at first, I thought I was just helping my boss out. The broadcast is still scheduled for a few weeks from now. But, as of late, I must say I've been doing pretty well for myself and I believe a lot of that is thanks to—"
"Is the subject any different?"
"Huh?"
"Hmmm. Any different? Hmmm. The subject? Hmm. Hmm."
I slowly nod. "Yeah. Erm... yes , Professor. I... I actually think I am."
The Professor stops shuffling, stops twitching, stops moving. The beady eyes look at me with a ruffle of mossy gray hair. "Hmmm. Not expected."
I blink.
"Hmmm. No. Not expected. Not over. Hmmm. The experiment continues..."
"Uhm, Professor? What's not expected?" I step forward. "Please. If you could just talk norma—er... what I-I mean is... if you could just simply explain what you mean by—"
"New updates. Hmmm." A gnarled wrist collects holodata. "Compiled from newer prototypes. Hmm. Hmm." The Professor tosses the glowing information at me.
"Daaah!" I slap my gloves together and produce a translucent net, catching the data at the last second. I exhale with relief. "What... what kind of updates?"
"Hmmm. List of alterations to the Article guidlines."
"Alterations?" I blink, sliding the files away into digistorage. "Like... what kind—?"
"Too many. Hmmm. Yes. Hmm. Hmm. Too many to vocalize. Read them over. Memorize them. Go home and continue experiment. Bring pony a treat."
"A... treat?"
"Yes. Hmmm. Biggest change. Bioorganic matter allowed via auxiliary transferrence. Hmmm. No longer deemed a threat. Hmm. No."
"Bioorganic matter allowed ?" I blink. Then my eyes narrow. "Wait... does... does that mean...?"
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
I rush in through the apartment door with a plastic bag. I slam it shut behind me. Dissolving my digikey, I toss my gloves onto the couch and rush into the bedroom. I immediately unplug the hoodie, stretch it out, and lay it across the bed beside my plastic bag.
Scrambling, I fetch a sheet of paper and hastily scribble a note on it: "AJ. Can you please come over? I have something fantastic to share with you! " I wad the paper up and shove it into the hoodie's pouch. Tugging on the tag, I send the message beyond the fabric of time and space.
I do not leave the room. I stand there, leaning against the footboard of the bed, wringing my hands together. My eyes are glued on the hoodie. Minutes pass. Half an hour goes by. At last—finally—the pouch bulges outward. I thrust my hand in, grab a piece of paper, and unfold it: "Just gimme a second, sugarcube. I gotta knock out some chores."
I try to contain my squeals. I fail. I twist my ankles together; it's all I can do to keep from bouncing up and down.
At last, I see the ends of the hoodie's strings pulsating. Just short of lunging forward, I grab onto the edges of the article's neckline and pull it loose. An adorable orange pony materializes in front of me.
"Eyunnnnghhh..." Applejack yawns. Her mane is a tattered mess, and I see splotches of mud and earth all across her soft coat. "Nnngh... now what's this all about, darlin'?" She blinks warily at me. "Reckon I can't stay long. I've got a lot to do around the farm and—"
"Applejack!" I exclaim, beaming. I grin in her face, then reach for the plastic bag. "You'll never guess what has happened?!"
"Nnngh... do I have to?" She teeters exhaustively. "Can't y'all just tell me?" Another yawn. "Nnnngh... so... m-many ears of corn... I swear to Celestia—" A tiny plastic bag falls at her hooves. She glances down at the thing, blinking. "Uhhhhh..." Her hoof nervously bats at the thing like it's a hackey-sack. "What in tarnation is this?"
"I want you to try some!" I squat down and kneel beside the bag. "This is something that's been an integral part of human civilization for a long... long time." I raise the tiny bag up and turn it upright between us, smiling. "It's very near and dear to our culture. We like to call it..." I rip the bag open and hold it beneath her, grinning. "...Chex Mix!"
Applejack's nose scrunches up. She stares into the bag, squinting. She tilts her gaping muzzle up to stare at me. "This... this here is food?"
"Yup!" I grin.
"As in... real... edible food?"
"Yup yup!"
"But... erhm..." Applejack fidgets nervously. "I figured it was against the rules... that it was downright dangerous for me to consume anythang—much less bring anythang from one world to the next—"
"The rules have changed!" I exclaim, giggling. "I just got done meeting up with the inventor of the Article! A new list of rules have been typed up! At the top of the list is the transferrence of bioorganic matter and edibles! You can totally snack on our snacks, AJ!"
"... ... ..." Applejack stared at the bag.
"Isn't that so awesome?! I can finally get you to try out sushi, pizza, venutian snails! I promise it's all gonna be so scrumptious and—"
Applejack grabbed the hoodie's strings, tugged them, and disappeared.
I stared at the deflated article on the bed. I blinked, nearly dropping the Chex Mix. "Applejack?" Silence. I reach forward and poke at the hoodie. "Applejack?" In a slight panic, I pull and tug at the strings. "What... where...?" I bite my lip, fidgeting. "God's Hooks... did... d-did she fade out of existence?" I gulp. "Did I piss her off too much? Oh, Zoram, bless me..."
Just then, the ends of the strings flicker.
"...!" I immediately snatch the neckline and pull it wide.
The first thing I see is the hoodie's pouch bulging to the breaking point. Then, breathless and sweaty, Applejack reappears. All traces of exhaustion and lethargy are gone, and in their place is a bouncing, smiling earth pony.
"Okay okay okay..." She leans forward. "I reckoned this day would never come! But—consarn it! " She makes a snorting sound, which I realize is the closest the mare can come to squealing like a little filly. "Yeeha! This is so amazin! Now! Now... close yer eyes!"
"Huh?"
"I done told ya to close them peepers now close 'em !"
"Alright! Alright..." I take a deep breath and pull my eyes shut.
"Now... hold out yer hoof."
"My what?"
"Erm... eheheheh... y'all know what I mean."
I smile to myself. I put my gloveless palm out. Something soft and round plops into my palm.
"Uhhhh... AJ?"
"Now... take a gander."
My eyes flutter open. The first thing I see is the color red... and a very vibrant hue at that. I sit up straight, turning the fruit around in my grasp. "It's... it's..."
"Pretend yer recitin' the human alphabet!" she says, grinning from freckled ear to freckled ear.
"Really?" I gawk at her. "This is an apple?!"
"Well, what did you expect it to be, darlin'?"
"But... b-but..." I pluck a tiny wooden-looking string at the top. "The Hell is this thing?"
"That's called the stem ." Applejack grins wickedly. "Ya see, pony apples are grown from trees. They ain't processed in a factory like all yer nonsensical synthetic thangs."
"Grown ..." I feel myself trembling slightly. "...from an actual tree ."
"Yup! Sure as sugar is!"
"It... it's not going to bite me or something, is it?"
"Heeheehee!" Applejack rolls over onto the bed, clutching herself. Three more apples spill out of her pouch as she looks up at me. "It ain't that kind of a livin' thang, darlin'!"
"What... what do you want me to do with it?"
She smirks slyly. "What do y'all think?"
I give her a double-take. "No..."
She nods.
"Really?"
She nods some more.
I stare at the apple. It's so shiny, I can almost see my reflection. "Okay... uhm..." I move to get up. "Lemme go get a fork... or something—"
"Just bite into it, ya dag blame'd fool!"
"With... my teeth?"
"Unless y'all've got tentacles hidin' under that blouse of yers!"
"Uhhh... okay..." I gulp. Closing my eyes, I lean forward, then sink my teeth into the plush material. The skin breaks and the pulp floods into my mouth. I feel like I'm set on fire—only it's a soft, melting kind of a fire. My taste buds vibrate like sonic gates off the rings of Saturn. I don't realize what the bite has done to my vision until I reopen my eyes to a field of bright white sparkles. Once it's all said and done, I see Applejack standing up, smiling eagerly at me. She's about to tip off the edge of her hooves with anticipation.
"Well?" She wriggles with a flicking tail. "What do ya think?"
"I... I..." I run a hand over my head. "I-I don't think I can think right now!"
"Heheheheh!"
"You tiny horses actually eat this ambrosia on a regular basis?"
"Home grown and from the heart!" Applejack tilts her head up proudly. "And I'm plum-happy to be sharin' it with you, darlin'."
"Yeah, well..." I glance at the apple, smiling. "I'm happy too." I take another bite and relish in the waves of pleasure washing down my spine. "Mrmmmf... among other adjectives. Mrmmmf..."
"And that ain't the half of it!" She winks. "Y'all got the makin's for bakin's?"
"I'm sure I can go out and fetch some syntho-dough. Why?"
She simply grins.
I almost collapse right here and now. "You... you c-can make pies with these?" I gawk at what's left of the skin to reflect my gawking expression. "Do we live in such a world?"
"Reckon we do now." Applejack chuckles and picks up the bag of Chex Mix. "So, whaddya waitin' for?"
"I thought you had chores to do..."
"That was before the best part of my day happened." The stuck her muzzle into the snack bag and took a crunching bite. Her green eyes instantly bulged. "Whoa nelly! " Applejack coughed and sputtered, flailing left and right on the bed covers. "Salt salt salt salt salt! "
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"Okay..." I wipe my brow, only to spread more dough and brown sugar across my forehead. Rolling my eyes, I slip my mittens on, grasp the pan from the kitchen counter, and slip the first of two freshly assembled pies into a thin chamber built into the apartment wall. "Now, I think about fifteen minutes should do the trick, right?"
"Er..."
I glance back at her. "Right, Applejack?"
The pony squirms uneasily on a tabletop, surrounded by a no-man's-land of scattered kitchen utensils, spilt flour, and eggshell fragments. Her tail flicks, unwittingly knocking measuring cups into a kitchen slicer. She winces, but nevertheless stares up at me, green eyes full of worry. "Ya reckon this thang is gonna do the trick?"
"Pffft. Applejack, this is a thermal expander ," I say with a smirk. "It runs on fusion technology to cook things to absolute perfection ." A giggle. "Where else should I put the pies? Inside the sonic dishwasher?"
Applejack brushes her golden bangs back. "I reckon a wood-burnin' stove would do the trick."
"Well, we've got something of a shortage of wood on Ganymede," I say, sliding the second pan in. "And trees for that matter."
"Yeah. I sorta figured that on my own, sugarcube."
"Can you see what I'm doing from over there?"
"Errr... yes and no." Applejack blinks. "I'd scoot closer to the edge, but I can't—on account of this... well ..." She frowns, fidgeting awkwardly in a white apron ten sizes too big, draped around her neck. "Is this here a bib or a noose? I can't rightly tell."
"No sense in getting your coat soiled with all of these crazy ingredients."
"You know who yer talkin' to, right?" Applejack squints at me. "I roll through mud just to give the hogs their medicine every dag-blame'd Tuesday."
"I'll pretend to understand that and just maintain that there's no sense in getting you—or the hoodie—unnecessarily messy."
"Ungh..." Applejack rolls her eyes, fussing with the huge-huge apron. "Now yer startin' to sound like Rarity... again ."
"Hehe... relax , Applejack. We're baking apple pies!" I grin at her. "God's hooks! That's a pretty snazzy thing, isn't it?"
"Hrmmmmmm..." Applejack sighs, crouching down low and giving the pie pans a forlorn glance. "I suppose..."
Clang! I slap the lid to the thermal expander shut. "I'm sorry that I don't have kitchenware like you have at home, but I promise you—this should do the trick!"
"Just how does a thermal expander work anyways?"
"All you need to know is that it'll cook the apple pies from the inside out!" I grin as I set the timer. "On the molecular level! Every single square planck will be commanded to turn this thing into toasty brown scrumptiousness!" I turn towards her, crossing my arms over my own apron. "That's how it's supposed to turn out, right? Brown?"
Applejack bit her lip. "For some reason, I look into the future, and all I see is red."
"Applejack..." I walk over and kneel at the table. Wiping my hand clean on a kitchen table, I proceed to run it through her blonde mane and behind her ears. "You're used to seeing our crazy technology all the time. Why does this have to be so different?"
"I dunno," she says, finally turning to look me in the face. "Guess I get really antsy when it comes to cookin'."
I smirk. "If I knew that you'd get so bent out of shape over kitchen stuff, I would have just asked for the directions and summoned you when I was done baking."
"Pffft! Buck that noise!" Applejack frowns, then sits up straight with a smirk. "I enjoy bein' here with ya for the whole shebang, sugarcube!"
"Hehehe! I know you do!"
"And it'll be plum worth it! You have my solid promise!" Applejack brings a hoof down. "You think y'all tasted delicious apples before! T'ain't nothin' til you've had it in a baked pie!"
"Trust me. I'm looking forward to it."
Applejack sighs, glancing towards the far end of the kitchen.
I rest a pair of fingers under her tiny, fuzzy chin. "What's wrong?"
"Nothin'. Sometimes... ehh..." She chuckles, smiling with a slight blush. "Awwww shucks. Forget I said anythang."
"No. Come on! Out with it!"
She looks up at me, emerald eyes glistening. "It's so dang easy for me to zip on over here, ya reckon? One tug of the hoodie and... Poof! Lickety split! I'm here all blink-like!"
"Yes... and?"
Applejack kneads her hooves through the dangling apron, avoiding my gaze. "Well... sometimes I... I-I just wish it could work the other way around."
I raise an eyebrow at that.
She clears her throat and glances up at me. "I mean bringin' y'all over to my side and all."
I feel my heart flutter. It's not that I've never contemplated that—or imagined it. I've just never done so while in the same room as her. I don't realize I'm chuckling until I feel the warmth receding from my cheeks.
"That's a really charming idea, Applejack," I say. "But, I really doubt the Professor has the resources or technology to build something large enough to do the same for humans."
"Awwwww..." Applejack pouts. "Ya reckon so?"
"I mean—I can't pretend to know every detail about how the article works, but it seems perfect that it summons tiny talking ponies from Equestria." I shrug. "As opposed to... er, I dunno... singing walruses from some fart dimension."
"Heh..." Applejack blows her bangs out from her forehead. "Doesn't quite have the same charm, does it?"
"Hah. Definitely not ."
"But still, it sure would be swell!" She sits down on the edge of the table, legs dangling foalishly as she smiles up at me, full of mirth and freckles. "I can just imagine! You... walkin' up and down the orchards all proper-like! Shucks, I bet you could lift Big Macintosh with just one of yer arms! Whew-wee! Would that be a sight?"
I chuckle. "I'd just bang my head on the barn door."
"Pfft! I bet we could fit you inside the kitchen for a good ol' family brunch!" Applejack nevertheless quirms. "Erm... s-somehow."
"Face it." I smirk at her. "You'd just use me to get chores done faster."
"I... that... it... No! " Applejack frowns. Applejack winces. "M-maybe..."
"Heeheehee!" I ruffle her mane. "You're so predictable."
"Now quit it!" She pushes my wrist away with an orange hoof, gazing up at me with a smile. "For real. I'd have y'all meet my best buds! They'd be absolutely thrilled to meet you! Heck, I've told them so much as it is..."
"Oh really..."
"Pinkie would have to throw the biggest party in Ponyville's history, of course. Rainbow Dash would have loads of fun just flyin' around yer head. Twilight would wanna take measurements and record them in some crazy science book. Fluttershy might take some coaxin' to say hello, the lil' darlin', but she'd come around! And I just know Rarity would wanna fit you into somethin', seein' as how yer kind are so keen on bein' dressed all the time."
"Heh... I imagine so."
"It'd be a challenge for her, seein' as she's never done designed anythang for a biproduct before."
I clear my throat. "I believe the word you're looking for is 'biped.'"
"I know what I said!"
"Heeheehee!"
"Hrmmmph..." She folds her arms, nevertheless looking towards the far end of the apartment with a wishful expression. "Still, that would be really... really nice ."
"If there's anything I've learned from life, Applejack, it's to be thankful for the good things that we have in front of us." I rest a hand on her shoulder, giving her a tiny, loving squeeze. "Even though I'll never get to meet your friends, I can sense how much each of them mean to you. I see it through how happy you are when you sit here before me, telling me about them."
She smiles, her freckles turning rosy. "Funny..."
"Hmm?"
"I always fancied Twilight as the one who'd represent the whole lot of us." She chuckled nervously, glancing aside. "I guess she can't be a princess ambassador everywhere."
"Nope. Guess not."
"And... shucks ... who knows?" She looks up at me, resting a hoof on my wrist. "That picnic you keep yappin' on about...!"
"What about it?"
She shrugs. "Who's to say you won't be meetin' one of my friends then and there, ya reckon?"
"Heehee..." I nod with a smile. "We'll see, Applejack."
She smiles back at me. Then blinks, her muzzle wriggling.
"What is it?" I ask.
"Heck if I know..." She squints past me and towards the thermal expander. "Ya sure they ain't gonna be overdone?"
"Fifteen minutes," I remark. "Just like you said, right?"
Applejack clenches her teeth. "At... wh-what temperature?"
My brow furrows. "Well, the thermal expander can jump from zero to five hundred degrees celsisus in ten seconds. Why?"
Applejack's pupils shrink. "Awwwwwwwwww horseapples ."
I hear a loud rattling sound behind me. I turn around. "Huh—?"
The lid to the device flies open, vomiting an explosion of smoke, embers, and a veritable lava flow of liquified dough.
"Whoah nelly!" Applejack yelps.
"Zoram damn it!" I cover her with my body and plunge the two of us behind the table as the tsunami hits.
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"Oh sugarcube, I'm so sorry..."
"You're sorry?!" I smirk despite the crusty bits of dough fragments clinging to my face and neck. I kneel before the chair where she's squatting and proceed to wipe her muzzle, face, and mane clean with a wet dishtowel. "What are you sorry for? You're not the one who turned apple pies into weapons of mass destruction!"
"But... I-I make them all the time!" she stammers, squinting and fussing as I wipe her orange chin and cheeks clean. "Guhhhh... y'know, I could just go home and take a dip in a bath or somethin'..."
"Nonsense," I say, nevertheless mothering her with the remaining clean corners of the towel. I tilt her head from side to side, squinting at my handiwork. "You haven't got much on you." I smirk. "Good thing for that stupid apron, huh?"
"Apron shmapron ." She taps my crumb-covered chest. "You took the blow for me! Just like some sacrificial soldier or somethin'!"
"Yes, well..." I turn and grimace at the sight of the gunk-covered kitchen. The thermal expander still smolders from the center of the blast zone. "When in a battlefield..." I shrug and return to scrubbing her face clean. "I'd quote Bruno Mars, but that'd be in bad taste."
"Nnnngh..." She fusses again, squirming on the chair. "Who?"
"Oh... some twenty-first century pop musician who was the first human to fall prey to nanites when the strong A.I. of his sports car became self-aware in 2025."
"Oh. That stinks." Applejack fidgets in the chair. "Well, here's hopin' he got plenty of good songs out before he kicked the ol' bucket"
"Tell that to the entire population of Hawaii who got transmogrified overnight into silicon dust." I lean back with a smile. "Ah... there we go. Good as fuzzy-new."
"Please, sugarcube..." Applejack rolls her eyes. "Why such a big deal over fuzziness?"
"Heehee... because you are and you're adorable ."
"Heh. If you say so." She turns to glance into the kitchen once more. "Unnngh..." Her ears folded atop her head. "I'm so awfully sorry for yer kitchen. Here, lemme help you clean it up—"
"Don't bother, Applejack." I hold her in place with two gentle hands. "Seriously. I'll deal with it."
"But... b-but it was my idea to—!"
"And stop taking the blame for it!" I stand up and carry the towels into the sink across the exploded room. "I'm the one who didn't consider every tiny detail in earnest!" I wash and scrub my hands, smiling bitterly. "It's just a shame I didn't get to try your apple pie..."
"Yeah..." Applejack hangs her head. "I was lookin' forward to it too."
"Maybe next time."
"Next time?" Applejack winces. "You mean you'd be willin' to tr-try this all again?"
"Why not?" I turn around, arms folded. "You said it yourself! It's to die for!"
"Heh... I may have exaggerrated a might bit."
"Pffft. Please. Element of Honesty?"
"I hear ya... I hear ya..." She smirks. "Maybe I can haul over some firewood next time. We could do it the ol' fashion way! Right there on yer balcony!"
"Sure..." I shrug. "It beats my having to import wood from the opposite side of the solar system."
"What, is it a long spankin' distance?"
"Nah. It's just super perilous." I smirk. "Centuries ago, pioneers terraformed Pluto into a gigantic coniferous forest. Little did they know what kind of squirrels would grow in gravity that low." I wince, running a hand through my hair. "I can st-still remember the digiphotos of claw marks they showed us in health class..."
"Maybe it's best if I didn't know, reckon?"
I nod. "Reckon." I walk across the messy room. "So... what now?"
"I've made an awful mess of thangs." She sighs. "Perhaps I should just mosey on home."
"What for?" I smile. "The article still has plenty of juice left."
"Well..."
"Do you want to go home now?"
She bites her lip, ears folded. "No..."
"Then let's just hang out for a while longer!" I smile, picking her up in two gentle hands. "How about a movie?"
"You mean..." She looks at me with moist eyes. "You ain't mad or depressed or nothin'?"
I giggle. "Why should I be? You make my whole day, Applejack."
"Yeah... r-reckon I do, don't I?"
I smile, cradling her as I carry her into the room.
"Uhm... sugarcube?"
"Hmmmm?"
"I... uhm..." She gulps. "I don't suppose you have any more of that fancy 'Mixed Chex,' do ya?" Nervously twitching ears. "If it ain't no thang...?"
I wink. "I'll grab another bag or two."
Her eyes light up. With a squee , she leans in and nuzzles my chest.
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"Hmmmm..." Applejack lies against my chest with a drunken smile plastered across her freckles. Two empty plastic snack bags lie on the floor beneath the couch. "This really is a prettiful movie..."
I giggle, stroking a hand down her head, mane, and hoodie. I lay on my back, glancing aside at the holo projection. "'Prettiful,' huh? That's a new one."
"Mmmm... reckon I'm full of nuggets like that."
"You're full of Chex Mix is what you are."
"What's this here flicker called again?" she asks.
I glance aside at the image of a shirtless young man undergoing hard physical training. His sweat glistens in aged, faded colors. "'Drunken Master,'" I say. "And—to be perfectly frank—I've never used 'prettiful' as a means as describing it. Or 'pretty' for that matter."
"Wow..." Applejack coos, snuggling tighter against me. She rests a cheek against my sternum to see the movie better. "How's he kickin' them people's heinies so dancer-like?"
"It's because Jackie Chan's drunk," I say. Then, a smirk. "Like you."
"Pfffft-hah hah hah!" She guffaws, slapping my chest with a well-toned hoof. "I am not drunk!" She smiles and shuts her eyes. "Salt just makes me relaxed..."
I'm too busy resisting the urge to cry from the hard swat to my chest. "Yeah, well..." I wheeze. "You're certainly h-healthy!"
"Ahem... b-beg yer pardon, darlin'."
I clear my throat as well, drying my eyes with a blink. "It's quite alright."
"Yer super sensitive there, aren't ya?"
"Aren't we all?"
"Heheheheh..." She chuckles. I feel every vibration of her tiny lungs through my tummy. "Y'know, some of the thangs you say are just so plum weird..."
"Yeah, and?"
"I dunno..." She nuzzles tighter against me, her breath wafting across my shirt. "It's... it's fine... everythang is just fine when I'm spendin' time here..."
I gently stroke behind one of her ears. "And when you're on the farm?"
"Hmmmm... a d-different kind of fine," she murmurs, her breaths growing longer and longer apart.
I glance aside at the film. Our hero is fighting a stick-wielding bully with a giant wine jug. "So... uhm... the picnic...?"
"Hmmmm?" Applejack's eyes are closed and she is smiling.
"You down for that? I mean, my friend Aynrandy will be there, and he'll definitely be bringing Maud. That's Pinkie's sister, right?"
"Mmmmmhmmmm..." Warm, warm freckles.
"Three or four other people beta-testing articles will be showing up. I bet there'll be a hand—er... a hoof-full of ponies you're bound to know."
"Mmmmmhmmmm..." Her fuzzy ears twitch involuntarily.
So I rub them gently between two fingers, smiling up at her. "And it'll be in a big green park. The trees might be fake—but the grass is real as it gets. Plenty of room to gallop around. I bet you'll feel like you're right at home! Aside from the purple sky, of course."
"Hmmmmmm..." She trills one last time, and then her muzzle hangs open ever so slightly, allowing for slumbering breaths to filter in and out of her tiny body.
I stare at her, rubbing her ears, then stroking along her cheek. She stirs slightly, then leans her chin against my shirt. A golden smile hangs off her face.
"AJ..." Silence. "AJ...?" I chuckle slightly. "Think maybe now's a good time for me to send you home to bed?"
She says nothing. She does nothing. She just exists in my arms.
I realize that I've brought both hands up, enfolding her. It's a very gentle embrace, like clutching a cloud... a very warm cloud that expands and contracts with tiny fragile undulations against my chest. She's like a present, in a way, wrapped in a soft felt hoodie with nowhere to go but dreamland.
"If I had known that some things in this universe could be so tiny and yet so full of life all at once," I hear myself murmur. A lump forms in my chest, and I feel like I've stolen her Element for a brief minute. "I would have gone out searching for it much, much sooner." I feel my eyes watering. "You think I'm really alive...?"
She doesn't have a response to that. How could she?
I sniffle. These are good tears. I tilt my head up until my nose brushes against the top of her golden mane. Is it a kiss? A nuzzle? I can't tell anymore. I'm glad that I haven't the need to.
"Good night, Applejack." I'm already tugging at the drawstrings to her article's hood. "May you find dreams that are somehow as adorable as you are."
She murmurs something, or maybe it's just my imagination. Either way, before she has a chance to stir, she vanishes.
I hug the empty jacket to my chest. It's suddenly a lot colder. Perhaps it always has been, but somehow I'm no longer startled by this realization. A strange, lingering bliss clings to me. There's a ringing in my voice, and it sounds an awful lot like the twang in her voice. I turn towards the flickering holo-projection, and I let loose a sob and a laugh all at once.
"You're right ." A fractured grin. "It is 'prettiful.'"
I'm wait until Jackie Chan is done kicking someone's ass. Then, plugging the article in, I trudge towards the kitchen—sighing—for a long night of cleaning.
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
BREEP! BREEP! BREEP! BREEP! BREEP!
"Nnngh... guhh..."
BREEP! BREEP! BREEP! BREEP! BREEP!
"Mmmmnghhhh..." I stir. I clench my teeth and clench the bedsheets. "Nnnngh..." One eye squints at the blaring alarm as its crimson numbers flash "6:00am" in sequence with the constant siren sound. "For the love of Zoram..."
BREEP! BREEP! BREEP! BREEP! BREEP!
"Gnnnghh!" I fumble one arm under the covers, grasp a pillow, and fling it straight at the bedside assassin of slumber.
It flies straight through the holographic clock. BREEP! BREEP! BREEP—!
"Damn it! " I roll over, gripping my ears. "Cram Neptune up my holes while you're at it!" Finally, with an audible whimper, I sit up in bed, blinking blearily. The alarm still pounds in my ear. Grumbling, I stretch my aching legs and stand up straight.
At last, the alarm stops bellowing.
I sigh long and hard. My whole body collapses, and I fall back to bed.
Instantly, the alarm starts up again. BREEP! BREEP! BREEP!
"Unnnnghhh..." I trudge forward and off the bed. "Friggin' technology..." As I stumble past the vanity, I see the flicker of the Article from where it's attached to the wall. "Nnnngh... n-not now, AJ. Gimme a sec or two..." Thusly, I make my way into the sonic shower and wake my body up with some real skull-splitting vibrations.
Half an hour later, I'm walking back to my room, brushing my hair out. I squint blearily down at the hoodie. The pouch is bulging. I reach in and snatch a crumpled piece of paper. Flicking on a light, I struggled to read. It says "Rise and shine, sugarcube! Cockadoodle Doo!" in Applejack's hoofwriting, followed by what can best be described as horsie smiley face.
"What in Zoram's smeg does 'cockadoodle doo' mean?" I grumble, only now starting to lose the vestiges of sleep and grumpiness. "Must be some... pony word for pony love... or something... meh..." I scribble a hasty response, begging for ten minutes, then stuff it back into the pouch before yanking on the Article's tag.
I resume brushing my hair and fixing my face. Several tangles and combstrokes later, I'm ready. I walk back to the article, unplug it from the wall, and prepare to tug the strings along the hood. I pause, blinking, glancing down at myself.
"Heh... whoops..."
I wander to the closet, throw on some pants, a shirt, and a jacket. Once done, I return to the hoodie, stifling a yawn. I pull at the strings. The room lights up with extradimensional brilliance. The moment I see the golden shape of her ears, my heart jumps, and I instantly forget the anguish of early morning—replaced swiftly with a warm smile.
"Howdy!" She glances up at me, her eyes bright as midday. She does a double-take, and holds a hoof over her muzzle. "Snkkkkt ... my, aren't we a sight this early in the morn!"
"Nnnngh... Don't rub it in," I mutter, fighting back another yawn. "Only thing up this early are zombies and Mexicans."
"Mexicans?"
"Space Mexicans." I fall to my knee and spread my arms. "But enough of that. C'mere, you."
"Uh uh uh uh—" She holds me back at forelimb's length.
I blink. "Well, this is a new twist. You afraid of catching human cooties all of the sudden?"
"T'ain't like that, darlin'. Just..." She chuckles, gesturing at a huge, bulging pooch beneath the hoodie. "I come bearin' fragile cargo."
"Why, AJ!" I smirk mischievously. "Looks like somepony's been sleeping with her barn door left waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay open!"
"Oh, go soak yer fat head!"
"Already did, girl."
"I meant that I brought the goods for today's shindig!" She reached under her shirt, yanking. "Mmmmf! Suddenly this th-thang is tighter than one of Rarity's corsets!"
"Here, allow me." I carefully lift the front of her hoodie. Fwoomp! An orange net full of apples rolls onto the floor. "Well, would you look at that?"
"That'll make our time at the park extra sweet!" She winks her emerald eyes. "Ain't no picnic unless you got one of these golden delicious treats to munch on!"
"Uh huh..."
"Somethin' distractin' ya, sugarcube?"
"Yeah." I continue squinting at her fuzzy orange tummy. "You've got no belly button."
"...!" She yanks her hoodie down and tilts her freckled nose up. "Oh yeah?! Well... uhm ... y-y'all got no tail, but you dun see me makin' a big fuss out of it!"
"Actually, we do."
Applejack blinks awkwardly. "You d-do?"
"Well, for a short time, as a fetus in the womb. But it vanishes before the time of delivery, along with tax exemption."
"Golly, I didn't suspect I'd be havin' to smile and nod this dag gum early."
"Nnnngh..." I stand up and shuffle towards the center of the apartment. "Don't say the 'e' word."
"I dun get it!" Applejack hops down from the chair, throws the bag of apples onto her flank, and pads after me on the carpet. "Why ain'tcha bright eyed and bushy-tailed?"
"Because we fought back the cyborg squirrels in 2448..."
"The body a size of a manticore and all the perk-me-up gadgets ya can shove a stick at and still you're like Apple Bloom on the first day of school!"
"It's not that simple , AJ," I mutter as I wander to the kitchen pantry, open it with a wave of the hand, and grab a packet of coffee grindings. "We humans run on caffeine, e-mails, and late night talk shows."
"Well, maybe y'all should try waking up at the crack of dawn more!"
"Not every carbon-based lifeform lives on a farm like you, Applejack. Besides, if we did, twelve-year-olds would be licensed to drive fertilizer-spreading meteorites." I make one move for the coffee machine and immediately trip. "Gah!" I look down, sputtering. "AJ?!"
"Heeeeeeeeeeeee..." She rubs up against my ankles, her blonde tail flicking. "I-I just can't help it! I'm so glad to see ya once again, darlin'. And I'm so cotton-pickin' stoked for the picnic we'll be havin' today!"
"Yeah, well, at this rate you're gonna give me a concussion." I reach one hand under her belly and lift her up to the kitchen table opposite from me. "Let's save the hard contact sports for the park."
"Oh? We've got some games planned?"
"Yeah," I grumbled, fiddling with the coffee maker's settings. "Plutonium Football with ponies. We'll use Ayn's head and punt it between the capitol spires of Ganymede."
"Yer buddy's bringin' Maud Pie, ain't he?"
"Mmmmhmmm..." I press the "start" button. "That's the plan."
"Any idea who else will be comin' to pay a visit?"
Ding! I pull the pitcher out and pour myself a steaming mug. "Five... maybe six people."
"Any idea who they're bringin'?"
"No." I glance at her. "Don't you know?"
"Reckon I'm clueless, darlin'."
"Well, Equestria doesn't exactly sound like New Atlanta."
"Beg yer pardon?"
"Meaning it's not a giant overpopulated asteroid of twenty-billion blue collar mutants floating across the Kuiper Belt." I take a sip of the morning ambrosia and lean back against the refrigerator. "If somepony in Ponyville or Hoofville or Horsetown or whatever village in Equestria got one of the Articles on your side, wouldn't you figure it out really quickly?" Another sip. "I mean, there're only so few hoodies out there being part of this experiment—even after the Professor expanded it."
"Heh heh heh..." Applejack sits back on her haunches and gives me a bashful smile. "Sugarcube, how many times do I have to remind ya, darlin'—I live on a farm ."
"Jee... how could I forget?" I point. "You totally didn't get those velociraptor thighs from spinning-bird-kicking your way across Street Fighter Seventy-Two: Championship Arcade Volume Seven. "
"Wha—?!" Applejack blinks. Her freckles disappear in a sea of red as she suddenly hikes down the edges of her hoodie. "Now just what in th-the hay is th-that supposed to mean?!"
"God's Hooks!" I gesture towards a holo-clock and slap my mug of coffee down onto the floor. "Look at the time!"
"Now just a gul-durn minute here—"
"Better get going or we'll miss the hoverbus!"
"So wh-what if I'm well-built in the back end?!" She pouts, huffing, red-faced. "I'll have y'all know that Bucky McGillicutty and Kicks McGee have givin' their darnedest for the farm!"
"We'd better take the express route!" I say, hoisting a stuffed backpack over my shoulder. "That way, we avoid the mag-lev training hauling ore from the moon's core. It'll be faster that way."
"I ain't budgin' until we talk this here nonsense out!"
"Save it for the bus trip." I hoist her up in my arms, grab my hologloves, and make my way for the apartment exit. "You can buck me into traffic if you like. More dramatic that way."
"Now listen here—" She pouts while she's cradled in my arms. "Just b-because you're super sweet and polite-like to me most of the time doesn't mean y'all can get away with sassin' me like a schoolyard bull—" A few of my stray fingers find their way behind her left ear. She instantly stiffens, her eyes twitching as her right leg spasms against me. "Ooooooh... ear... ear ear ear ear... "
"Mmmmhmmm..." I smirk as I carry her out the door and lock the apartment shut behind us. "My little putty..."
"Oh my stars..." She smiles drunkenly, her green eyes rolling back. "I-I swear I'm seein' purple!"
"That's just Jupiter, silly pony."
"Duahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"Hey! Heeeeeeeeey! "
I spin my head to see a figure waving dramatically to us from underneath a spreading polycarbon tree. Aynrandy stands up from a blanket spread over a patch of luscious green grass. A tiny gray thing in a yellow hoodie squats beside him with a bucket full of rocks and pebbles.
"Over heeeeere!" Aynrandy waves harder, his bright teeth reflecting the purple and brown swirls of Jupiter above. "Pony meetup! Woohoo! "
"Yeesh, keep it down, will ya?" I mutter, glaring left and right as I cross the length of the lawn between us. "Let's not startle half of Ganymede."
"Come on, honey!" He chuckles, slapping my shoulder with a laugh. "I swear, you're almost as stonefaced as Michigan over here."
"Don't 'honey' me," I mutter. "And for the last time, it's Maud . For Zoram's sake, don't you know your own pony?!"
"I know she likes saltine crackers. Hah! " He snaps a pointing finger at me. "How about that for equine-human bonding!"
"Have you tried Chex Mix?"
His jaw drops as he slinks away from me. "No waaaaaaaay! Dude! "
"Maud!" Applejack chirps merrily from my arms. She squirms and squirms, and I'm forced to lower her to the ground. "Well, whallop my wither! It sure is a hoot to see ya!" She trots across the blanket and nuzzles the mare cheek-to-cheek. "How y'all been, girl?!"
"Applejack." Maud takes three and a half seconds to blink. "I remember you. Your name has apples in it." Another three and a half seconds. "Just like your cutie mark."
"Err... yeah! It sure does! Heheheh... y'know, come to think of it..." Applejack cranes her neck. "Reckon I never did see yer cutie mark, what with that gray number you were always wearin' when you visited us in Ponyville n'all—"
Maud's gaze remains locked on Applejack's face as she lifts the lower hem of her yellow hoodie. There's the illustration of a brightly grinning clown pony on her flank.
"... ... ..." Applejack scratches her blonde head. "Huh..."
"I feel that it reflects my personality," Maud drones.
"Sure thang." Applejack turns and tilts her freckled face up, smiling. "And howdy , Mr. Aynrandy! I dun think I've had the pleasure of—Whoa nelly! " Her mane flounces as she's lifted up in the air.
"Applejaaaaaaack!" Aynrandy beams, holding her up high with two strong hands. "Look at you! I've heard soooooooo much about you!" He cradles her and tickles under her neck. "Word on the grape vine is that you've been brightening a certain someone's life!"
"Heeheehee!" She giggles, folding her forelimbs up to her chest. "W-well yer certainly a friendly critter! Heehee! I sure hope I haven't put anyone out of a job!"
"Pffft! You kidding?!" Aynrandy shrugs toward me. "I can't make this one smile even if I pretend to play dead!" He turns and smirks my way. "Forgot to shave this morning?"
"Okaaaaaaaaay, Ayn." I reach in and scoop Applejack up. "Time to give the tiny horse back to me..."
"Myeeeh!" He sticks his tongue out. "Party pooper."
"Nothing to poop on, yet. The day's just started." I place Applejack down and strip of my backpack. "Your apples are in there, AJ."
"Thanks a'plenty, darlin'!"
"Maud! Hey, girl!" I set the backpack aside and kneel beside the mare, grinning. "How are you today?"
"The same as yesterday," she throats. "Albeit closer to a final death at the cellular level as a result of entropy."
"She's just a regular bag of kittens," Ayn said with a smirk. "Kittens that don't even mind drowning!" Whap! "Owie!"
I slide my foot back after kicking him. "Don't mind my friend. He means well. Speaking of which..." I sit on folded legs before the mare. "How'd your trip to the moons of Mars go?"
"It was the most exciting time of my entire young life," Maud drones. "Please forgive me, for I am still bursting with enlightenment."
"... ... ..." I lean back towards Applejack. "I can't tell if she's serious or being sarcastic."
"Heh..." Applejack pulls the apples out of her bag and lines them up neatly on the blanket. "Try a little somewhere in between."
"Show him your pet, Maud!" Aynrandy exclaims.
"Wait..." I do a double-take. "They can bring pets now?! The Professor didn't tell me that!"
"Shows how much you know, Dr. Frankenstuckup. Go on, Maud."
Maud reaches into the pouch of her yellow hoodie and pulls out a small stone.
I blink. "A rock?"
"His name is Boulder."
"But of course..."
"I'm introducing him to my new friends." Maud taps the bucket full of pebbles in front of her. "They followed us home from Phobos and Deimos."
"Well, just... y'know..." I shrug with a smirk. "Don't get them mixed up with him, huh?"
"That is highly unlikely," she says. "Boulder is too nervous to jump into the bucket with them."
"Oh yeah?"
"He's very shy around rocks with highly contrasting isotopic signatures."
"Heheheh..." Aynrandy squats down and pets the back of Maud's head. "We've sure learned a lot on our field trip, haven't we, Maud?"
"Terra Firma and Luna formed as a result of the planetoid Theia colliding with earth when it was in its early molten stages," Maud says. "Homo sapiens owe their very existence to a large rock hitting an even larger rock to create a third rock." Three and a half seconds of blinking. "I knew that I was in love with this universe the very moment I set hoof in it."
"Whew!" Applejack shook her head with a dumb grin. "I'm startin' to see the Pinkie in her. Pull her tail and she just goes!"
"Say, Applejack..." I look over my shoulder with a smirk. "How'd you get those apples to become so plump?"
"Are ya kiddin' me?!" She gawks at the three of us, eyes wide. "Why..." She scoops some of the fruit to her hoodie'd chest and explains, "These come from the mid-field orchard that we have growin' right by the south side of the farmhouse! Unlike the rest of the trees in Sweet Apple Acres, the orchard that these babies were hoof-picked from have been finely grafted to the rootstock of their ancestors in order to best preserve the scrumptious taste and fresh budding—"
Aynrandy and I are giggling like mad.
Applejack stomps her hooves. "Now cut that out! " She blushes, hiding part of her face beneath her hoodie's neckline. "Alright... alright ! I get it! To each their own."
"God's Hooks!" Aynrandy grins at me. "She's almost as adorable as Maud!"
In an instant, I stop laughing and squint at him. "What do you mean 'almost? '"
"So..." Applejack pushes the apples back in place across the blanket. "When are the others comin' along?"
"Well, I just got off the holophone with Piersmorgan and Rushlimbaugh," Aynrandy says. "They're running a bit late, but they'll make it before too long."
"Anyone else you know from the office?" I ask.
"Pffft! They're all on the Viking's payroll, sweetie. We're bound to recognize them in some capacity."
"Oh, how I wish you'd stop calling our boss that—"
"Oh! Lookie!" Aynrandy shades his eyes as he stares across the park. "There comes one of them now!"
"Who?" I turn to squint. "The Vikin—er... I-I mean...?"
"Hah!" Anyrandy smirks as he stands up. "It's Rickygervais!"
"From accounting?"
"Wowsers, I've never seen her in a skirt."
"Well, you only live once." I stand up, brushing my pants off. "...unless you inhale the dust of Mercury, of course."
"Of course. H-hey! Ricky!" Aynrandy signals with his hand. "Over here, girl!"
She struts up, a petite thing with straight auburn hair. She blinks at us, clutching the shoulder-strap of her satchel. "Erm... h-hi there..."
"Something wrong?" I ask.
"I notice you didn't bring a pony with you," Aynrandy says.
"Well... uh..." Rickygervais fidgets, staring down at our quadruped friends. "That's just the thing." She leans forward and whispers, "You actually let them follow you through the City? "
"Why not?" I ask.
"Isn't it kinda dangerous? I mean, they're so small ."
"Ain't no big whoop!" Applejack crosses her legs, smiling up at the stranger. "Besides, we got nothin' like this back at home! I don't mind gettin' an eyeful, even if it means bumpin' into things now and then!"
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww !" Rickygervais instantly kneels down in front of Applejack. "She even has an accent! That's so cuuuuuuute!" A giggle. "You must be Applejack!" She reaches forward, freezes, and looks up at me, biting her lip. "Uhm... is it okay if I hug her?"
I giggle. "Don't ask me!" I point. "Ask her!"
"Uhm, Miss Applejack?" Rickygervais asks. "Would you be terribly offended if I—?"
"Way ahead of ya, sugarcube." Applejack throws herself forward, snuggling the lady's right arm.
"Ohhhhhh! She's so friendlyyyyy!"
"Yeah." I clear my throat. "I've noticed."
"And hello!" Ricky pivots and brushes a hand through Maud's mane. "Aren't you the quiet type!"
"My heartbeat produces zero point ninety-five decibels of sound."
"Oh... well... uhm..." Rickygervais smiles nervously. "You're certainly getting one point two out of me right now!"
"I'm guessing you brought your Article with you," Aynrandy says.
"R-right!" Ricky unclasps her satchel, reaching in with shuffling fingers. "I figured it was the safest thing to summon my little friend once I finally here."
"Well, if you ask me, you should show her the sights sometime!" Applejack exclaims. "Sure would be a shame not to see Ganymede with her own peepers!"
"They're ponies, Ricky," Ayn says with a chuckle. "Not footstools."
"I-I know! It's just that... well ..." Ricky fidgets. "This one's kinda... delicate ."
"Delicate?" I ask.
"You'll see." Rickygervais pulls out a green felt hoodie, unfolds it, and pulls on the strings. "Aaaaaaand—"
With a flash of light, a petite-petite thing with a peach coat appears before us. Instantly, she gasps, covering her muzzle with a flounce of cyan hair.
"Hey." Rickygervais leans in and strokes the mare's short mane. "Hey, it's okay ! It's okay, Coco. We're just outside! That's why it's so bright..."
"Outside...?" With a lasting tremble, the pony lowers her hooves, squinting one cyan eye after another. "Wow..." She sits up straight, jaw dropped. "The sky is purple!"
"Coco Pommel!" Applejack gasps, hopping over Maud's rocks and trotting over to her. "As I live and breathe! How're you doin'?"
"Huh?" Coco looks over. She gasps with a calm smile. "Why... if it isn't Ms. Rarity's friend!"
"Darn tootin'!" Applejack reaches in and shakes the mare's hoof vigorously. "Haven't seen y'all since Manehattan! Is the fashion world treatin' ya well?"
"Uh-hh-hh-hh!" Coco's voice undulates as she wobbles on the other end of Applejack's hoof-shake. "I-I-I gue-gue-guess you c-c-could say that!"
"Applejack," I gently chide.
"Whoops!" Applejack winces and takes a step back. "I beg yer pardon." She tips a hat that isn't there. "Reckon I ain't used to bumpin' into thangs in this world that's smaller than me."
"You got one thing right..." Coco gulped, backing into Rickygervais as she stares around the wide, wide park. "Everything here is big ."
"You mean to tell us y'all ain't used to it?!" Applejack chortles. "Yer from Manehattan, girl!"
"Yes... but this is big and different ." Coco gulps.
"If you're so easily overwhelmed, why volunteer for the experiment in the first place?" Aynrandy asks.
"I-I was dying to know what kind of fashion you humans were into." Coco relaxes into Rickygervais' arms, smiling up at us. "Clothes on bipeds... it means thinking vertically . It's a mind-expanding concept, and already it's influenced some of my designs back home." She looks up at me. "I particularly like what you're wearing."
"Heh..." I shrug with a smirk. "I just threw it on."
"Yes, but it's so vibrant."
"Well, you obviously have a taste for beauty, Coco." Aynrandy kneels besides Ricky and pats the mare's head. "It's a pleasure to meet you." He freezes in place, his eyes bulging. "Holy Zoram , she's so soft ."
"I knowwww..." Rickygervais coos, hugging the earth pony tighter. "You should see the photos she brings with her! She wears a tiny little collar with a tiny little tie back home! Eeeeee! So adorbs!"
Coco rolls her eyes. "Yes, yes... Say, that reminds me. Ricky? Could I have my sewing kit? Pretty please?"
"Sure thing, sweetie!" Ricky pulls out a pair of needles and some yarn from her satchel. "Here you go."
"Thank you so much..." Coco glances across the way at the other ponies. "I-I tend to relax better when I'm doing at least a little bit of work."
"Must be pretty dang annoyin' to not be able to sport what yer designin'," Applejack says, then gestures to her Article. "With these bulky hoodies in the way and all."
"Heehee... I don't mind!" Coco smiles. "Mine keeps me nice and warm." She turns to Maud. "Yours is especially complementary. I don't think I've seen the color yellow put to such good use, Ms.—?"
"Maud Pie," the mare drones. "Have you ever tried making a dress out of rocks?"
"Erm..." Coco fidgets with her needles. "C-can't say that I have."
"That is unfortunate." A three and a half second blink. "I need something to wear for a dance."
"Oooh! You mean the Grand Galloping Gala? Fall Formal?"
"No, the Dance of Rocks in my home town."
Coco bites her lip, ears folded.
"It's all the rage," Maud adds.
Silence.
"Whew-wee!" Applejack beams. "Off to a rollickin' good start!"
"Are we early?" Rickygervais asks.
"Just barely!" Aynrandy exclaims, pointing down the nearby path. "Here come two more!"
"Really?" I turn around. "Where?"
"The ones walking up right behind the runaway stray dog."
"Huh?!"
"D-dog?!" Coco leaps into Rickygervais' arms. "Wh-where?!"
"Ayn, that's not a dog," I grumble. "It's a pony... I think ."
"Whatever it is, it's coming in fast—WHOAH!" Aynrandy has to jump as a yellow thing in a red hoodie barrels underneath him and immediately tackles Applejack.
"Ooof!" Applejack falls back.
"AJ!" I gasp.
"Yeeeeeeha!" a mare in a blood-colored Article tosses her green ponytail back and grins ecstatically down at Applejack. "Well, butter my hindquarters and toss me off the kitchen table and see which end hits the floor first! How ya doin', country bumpkin?! "
"I... reckon I-I could be breathin' a might better..." Applejack winces.
"Chickadee!" A young adult rushes over, panting for breath. "Please! We've b-been through this!" He wipes his pale brow and wheezes. "What h-have I told you about runnin' off like that without me?!"
"Awwwww... but I can't help it, Snowed In!" She throws a beaming grin over her shoulder and trots merrily in place, hoodie flouncing. "It's so nice and opennnnnn out here!" A breathy guffaw, and then she starts to shiver. "N-not like that cr-cramped sweatbox you pr-pretend to call an apartment!"
"I'm so sorry for this..." The man looks at me, extending a hand. "Edwardsnowden, marketing." He pants some more and throws on a dumb smile. "As you can see, my spry friend Chickadee here is quite the handful."
"Chickadee?" Aynrandy says with a blink.
The mare winks up at us. "Or Ms. Peachbottom , if yer feelin' nasty."
"...sometimes," Aynrandy blurts.
"Just a homely ol' mare from Mustangia who never once dreamed that she'd be runnin' laps out here among the stars!" She exhales, inhales, and leans down to nuzzle Applejack. "And I'd be absolutely flummoxed to think I'd be runnin' into one of my best friends in the whole wide world of Equestria again!"
"Erm... I-I believe you've lost me, darlin'..."
"Oh, don't be silly, gal pal!" Chickadee throws a forelimb around Applejack's shoulder, snickering with her eyes happily shut. "Heeheehee-Snkkkt! Train station? Flower print luggage? Tour of the Crystal Castle?"
"Crystal... Crystal..." Applejack's eyes twitched. "Land's sakes! The Crystal Kingdom, of c-course! " Applejack nervously reaches up and pats the mare's shoulder. "You... uh... been breakin' any cross country records lately?"
"Shazam! She does remember me!" Chickadee hoists Applejack to her hooves with one firm yank. "Really now, Honest Applejack, with all them trees you been buckin', it's a shame you can't handle a friendly lil' hug!"
"A hug is one thang..." Applejack winces as she straightens her hoodie. "A bull-charge is another."
"Hah hah hahhhh!" Chickadee slaps Applejack's side, nearly tossing the mare over once again. "You kids from Ponyvegas say the darnedest thangs!"
"Ponyville, actually—"
"Snowed In!" Chickadee spins and grins up at her human friend. "You saucy bent-back mule! Why didn't ya tell me that one of the best friends to the Princess was gonna be here!"
"Uhm... b-because I didn't know?" Edwardsnowden smiles awkwardly. "But—seriously—could you keep it down a little, Chickadee?"
"Why, what in the Sam Hill do ya mean?!" Chickadee cackles as she trots in happy, happy circles. "This is just my inside voice! Hah! I use it all the time since I hate bein' inside all the time!"
"Horseapples... " Applejack rubs her ears and glances up at me. "Coulda written that fact in the sky!"
I giggle.
"I like her," Maud says. Aynrandy gives her a double-take.
"Hey Edward! " a feminine voice calls from the distance. "Who did Chickadee tackle this time?! "
He twirls and motions her closer. "It's alright! No broken bones! Anyways, we're here! This is the get-together, alright!"
"Check it out, Doc!" A blonde woman shuffles up, smiling at a tan unicorn stallion trotting at ankle-level to her. "Anybody you recognize?"
"The appropriate term is 'anypony,' Ms. Thomyorke," the stallion says, adjusting a pair of bifocals as the wind kicks at his soft brown bangs. "Though, in your case, the idiom can be forgiven to cultural as well as biological differences."
"Whoah, now who in the hay might that be?" Applejack cranes her neck. "Hah!"
"What is it?" I ask her.
"Not the doctor I was expectin'. But, fine and dandy all the same." Applejack waves her hoof. "Yoohoo! Hey Doctor Horse! Over here!"
The stallion pivots with a flounce of his white hoodie. He squints across the way, then smiles curiously. "Applejack...?"
"Heheheh!" Applejack trots over. "Well, what a coinkydink! How are y'all?"
"Doing splendidly, Applejack!" Doctor Horse bows before shaking her hoof. He clasps her forelimb and leans in with a smirk. "And your friend, Rainbow Dash? Is she keeping off the wing she injured?"
"Pffft... Are you blowin' smoke up my saddle? Doc, that was over sixteen months ago! "
"Ah, yes. Well..." He leans back, adjusting his spectacles once more. "Time flies when you're saving lives."
"Reckon it does."
"How's Apple Smith doing? Is she in need of more vitamins?"
"Heheh... Granny's doin' just fine." Applejack winks. "All thanks to you, Doc. That new hip has been helpin' her move her flank around Sweet Apple Acres like she's sixty again!"
"Well, that's good news. Good news indeed." He steps back, gawking up at the skyscrapers stretching around the park and above us. "Isn't this place absolutely splendid! Did you know that this moon was once an icy rock incapable of supporting complex life?!"
"I reckon I got the big picture at some point or 'nother."
"They spent over a century terraforming it! The Homo sapiens living here had to adjust to the extreme level of electromagnetism coming from the host planet, Jupiter!"
"Well..." Aynrandy chuckles. "I now know one pony who's relishing in this Experiment."
The blonde chuckles, smiling at him. "Yes. Just talking to him brings me back to Xenobiology 101 at University of Callisto." She squints and points. "Say... aren't you—"
"Aynrandy. Assistant Producer."
"Ahhhh! Someone with his name on the credit roll!" She offers a hand to shake. "Thomyorke. Sound editing."
"That doesn't surprise me in the least." Aynrandy takes her hand and kisses it. "With a voice full of honey like that..."
"Oh... so it's that kind of a picnic." Thomyorke rolls her eyes and giggles.
Aynrandy smirks at her, then glances at me.
I roll my eyes.
"Hey!" Rickygervais points at the stallion standing among us. "He's got a horn on his head!"
"My good lady, the name is Doctor Horse ," he says with a smirk. "And as for the growth of cylindrical alicornia from my forehead, there's a perfectly logical explanation for that." He clears his throat. "You see, I am a unicorn."
"No friggin' way!" Aynrandy slaps his brow, jaw agape. "You mean it?! An honest-to-Zoram unicorn?!"
"Is it so strange?" Doctor Horse gestures with a sleeved hoof. "Humans evidently possess many races and genders. Surely ponies too can be just as varied."
"So... like..." Rickygervais squints. "Can you do magic with that?"
"I most certainly can." Doctor Horse grins. "It allows me to operate on the most critically of wounded patients with the greatest of ease, not to mention assemble complex medical equipment without breaking a sweat!"
Ricky, Ayn, and I stare at him with blank expressions.
The stallion blinks. At last, with a sigh, he summons a bright glow through his horn. "And it allows me to do things like this ." Suddenly, half of Applejack's apples and a few of Maud's pebbles are floating in a tight circle above us. "Ahem... Tadaaaaaaaa..."
"Wowwwwwwww..."
"That's so spectacular!"
"How do you do that?!"
"It's actually quite easy to explain, both scientifically and practically," Doctor Horse says.
Thomyorke smirks. "Plus, it's a real help around the apartment when I need the dishes done."
"Yes... well..." Doctor Horse sighs as he places the objects back down. "It's the least I can do to repay my dear friend for her constant hospitality."
Ziiiii iiiiiiip! Chickadee wobbles to a stop, grinning into Doctor Horse's face. "Is it true?! Are you a real doctor?!"
"Uhm..." He leans back, sweating. "Most assuredly." He squints through his bifocals. "And you are...?"
"Chickadee—though it probably shows up as 'Ms. Peachbottom from Mustangia' in the medical journals."
"Erm, I-I'm afraid my services are relegated exclusively to Ponyville—"
"You gotta tell me, Doc!" Chickadee twirls and shoves her flank in his face. "Is it a bad thang if my pelvis makes this noise?" She then stretched one leg up and down with a persistent SN-SNAP! SN-SNAP! SN-SNAP!
"Erm... n-no..." He grimaces, slowly backtrotting until he's standing safely on the other side of Thomyorke's legs like a frightened kitten. "That's something that needs looking at." He gulped. "Preferably at a chiropractor... in another universe ."
"Well, darned if I dun know what's makin' that rattlin' sound, but it seems to spring my legs into action mighty quick!" Edwardsnowden facepalms and sighs as she carries on, "Why, did I tell you about the one time I outgalloped a hydra?!"
"I... d-do not believe we have had the pleasure of meeting before, much less engaging in informative discourse—"
"So this hydra was chasin' me across Mustangia's Central Gorge—right? And I says to myself, 'Chickadee, you could either die here and get a statue made out of you, or you could outrun this dag-gum thang and be like a livin' statue for the rest of yer life!' Of course, I was bein' all figurative-like, because if I was to be a livin' statue then I'd resemble one of them Cat Sketchy Frenetic patients that lie on their flanks all day gettin' bed sores inside your hospital! Heheheheh!"
"Erm... I-I believe the term is 'catatonic schizophrenic' and I find it highly inappropriate to refer to them in such a jocular—"
"So, this whole heapin' bunch of heads start snappin' at me, and I'm shreakin' my purdy little head off, and then I see this gap in a thorn bush off to the side so quick as lightning I dash to the right and—"
"Hey... pssst! " I squat down low. "Applejack! "
She backtrots from the conversation and looks at me. "Yes, sugarcube? "
"Do you... like... know everypony? " I squint suspiciously.
"Heheheheh... awwwwwwww shucks..." She fiddles with the end of her tail, blushing slightly. "Reckon I do get around a lot, bein' with the Elements of Harmony n'all..."
I smirk. "Or maybe just your name gets around."
"Nawwwww... I ain't that special! It's Princess Twilight Sparkle! She's the celebrity, not me!" She holds her breath as I scratch behind her ear.
"I didn't think it was possible for me to feel more proud of you," I say.
"Darnitall..." She hisses under her breath. "In front of Maud is fine—but dun make me blush in front of the others! "
"What's the deal with that one with the green mane, anyways?"
"Oh, her? Me and the gals got her mixed up with a mare named Miss Harshwhinny once."
"... ... ...Miss Harshwinny."
"Eeyup."
"I... I-I fail to see... like—"
"Heeheehee! Me too, darlin'. Me too."
"Uhm... h-hey!" stammers a voice from behind.
Every person and pony swivels to look.
A petite girl in her college years stands in a colorful hoodie, short skirt, and tights. She clutches the straps of a backpack clinging to her shoulders. "Hope I-I'm not too late!"
"Wow..." Aynrandy walks over. "Guess things are picking up! Hey there, Rushlimbaugh! Got lost on the way from the cute factory!"
"Pffft..." She rolls her eyes. "Nice to see you as ever, Ayn."
"Heheh... Thanks for making me feel special." Aynrandy looks at me, then at the girl. "I don't think you two have met. Rushlimbaugh?" He points my way. "This is—"
"Ohhhhhhhhhh!" She leans down, planting her hands on her knees. "Look at all of the adorable little ponies!" She squeals inwardly. "This place is like heaven on earth all of the sudden!"
Maud blinks. "I was not aware that I was little."
Coco giggles. "I was."
"Well, join in on the party!" Thomyorke exclaims. "But you have to have a pony first!"
"But I got him right here!" Rushlimbaugh grins over her shoulder. "Come on out, Flash!"
An orange muzzle pokes out of her backpack, followed by the head and neck of an athletic young stallion. He tosses back a blue mane and blinks at the park's surroundings. "Whoah... are we finally here?"
"Yeah. Took me long enough." She bites her finger and blushes. "Sorrrrrry. "
"Heh! Don't sweat it, Rush!" He chuckles. "Still, I probably could have carried us both here if you let let me."
"I know you would want to , Flash." Rushlimbaugh rolls her eyes with a smirk. "But don't forget you're kinda sorta tiny here."
"Pffft. Says you."
"Pffft. Says me!"
"I... I-I don't get it," Rickygervais remarks. "Who's he?"
"Only the coolest little guy to ever come out of Canterlot!" Rush unzips the backpack. "Flash, show 'em!"
"With pleasure!" Fwoooosh! In a blue-and-orange streak, he shoots up out of her backpack, does a backflip, and hovers above her with bright feathers and an even brighter smirk. His black hoodie is the only thing stopping the purple sheen off his orange coat from blinding us.
"Whoahhhhhhh!" Edwardsnowden gasps, jaw dropping. "They... th-they have wings too?! "
Doctor Horse sighs. "Why do I get the feeling this is going to take hours to explain?"
Thomyorke nudges him with a smirk. "That's half the fun, sunshine."
"Hmmm..." The aged stallion smiles calmly. "True enough..."
"How..." Aynrandy slumps down beside Maud, dumbfounded. "How is that even possible?"
Rushlimbaugh giggles. "It's simple! Flash Sentry here is a pegasus! That makes him—like—part horse and part bird!"
"And all style" Flash adds with a smirk.
"And giggles! " Rushlimbaugh smirks mischievously. "You forgot 'giggles!'" She yanks him down into her arms. "C'mere!"
"What—No! Rush!" He fights and thrashes about as her fingers run all over his tummy. "Hahaha—Rush! Haha! Quit it! "
"Does the Royal Guard surrender?! Huh?! Huh?! "
"Hahahaha—I give! I give! Jeez! 'Uncle' already!"
"Heeheehee!" She cradles the pony and rubs noses with him. "Who's my favorite soldier? Huh? Huhhhhh? "
"Mmmmmm..." He avoids her gaze, forelegs curled to his chest as his orange cheeks fight an irresistible blush. "I-I am..."
"Yupperooni!"
"So..." Edwardsnowden scratches his head in wonderment. "He can fly? "
"Naturally," Doctor Horse says, nodding. "Every pegasus pony can fly."
"But... with the hoodie and all?"
"And how!" Rushlimbaugh beams. "I've seen him do loopty-loops around the upper spire! One of my favorite things to do is chillax on the balcony with a strawberry smoothie and watch the little fella get his exercise!"
I wince. "That sounds kinda dangerous..."
"Heehee! Not with the latest safety features!"
"Could he fly right now?" Rickygervais asks.
"How about it, Flash?" Rush ruffles the stallion's mane and smiles at him. "Wanna give a demonstration?"
"Heh... sure!" He smiles bashfully. "I've put on shows for the Princesses before!"
"That's good in my book! Ready?" She hoists the petite stallion over her head. "Contact!"
"Contact!" he salutes, wings oustretched.
"Aaaaaaaaaand wooooosh! " She tosses the pony forward.
We all flinch—only to witness the stallion easily gliding over our heads. Flash Sentry loops up, twirls, glides vertically along a glossy skyscraper's surface, then dives backwards in an aerial somersault. He comes down low, spinning and fanning us all with his spread wings.
"Wowwwwwwwwww..." Rickygervais, Edwardsnowden, and Thomyorke collectively coo.
"Whew-weeeee!" Chickadee spins in a circle, hops, and perches atop Maud's bucket of pebbles. "Now this is what I call a picnic! I haven't been this electrified since I was a wee little filly!"
"He certainly is..." Coco Pommel blushes slightly. "...agile."
"The low gravity of this moon is a major factor of his current manuevers," Maud drones.
"Uhhh..." I lean down to Applejack's level once more. "Don't tell me... you know this pony too...?"
"Hmmmm..." Applejack rubs her chin, squinting at Flash Sentry's swiftly darting figure. "Reckon his face does ring a bell, but I can't quite put my hoof on it."
"Really?"
"Maybe Twilight would know. She pays attention during our trips to Canterlot more."
"I bet Hercules is out there alone somewhere, trying to call a cab."
"Huh?"
"Heh... never mind."
"Darlin', you perplex me sometimes."
"At least you're honest enough to admit it."
"Darn tootin'."
I hear a series of heavy footsteps. Applejack, Ayn and I look over while the rest of the group continues to watch Flash Sentry's high-flying stunts.
"Uh... h-hey..." A frail fellow in a button-up shirt and slacks waves at us. "Sorry I'm late."
"Church of Zoram's that way, buddy," Ayn says, snickering.
The guy's eyes fall razor straight. "Very funny. It's me, Ayne. Piersmorgan from marketing?"
"Yes, yes, we know." Aynrandy shakes his hand. "Better late than never, huh?"
"S-sure thing!"
"So, where's your pony?"
"Oh, she's right behind me." Piersmorgan gulps. "Say... uhm... not to sound weird or anything, but..."
"But what?"
"Was there—like—anything wrong with you guys' ponies?" He smiles nervously. "Like... a defect or something?"
"A defect?" I make a face.
"Piersmorgan, these are ponies ," Aynrandy says with a chuckle. "Living breathing creatures, y'know? We're not talking about toys or robots or anything that can break down."
Piersmorgan blinks. His face pales slightly as he looks down to the ground. "Oh."
Ayn and I exchange glances. "Why?" I ask. "Is your pony acting strangely?"
"Well... uhm... I-I don't think 'strangely' is the word for it."
"Is she sick? Ill?"
"No. The Article's safety protocols are working properly n'all. It's just that... well..." He fumbles and fumbles with his fingers, smiling with a trembling expression. "She's really not what I expected..."
"In what way?"
"I-I mean she's mostly harmless! But I c-couldn't help but wonder if there was s-some sort of disturbance in the quantum dimensional transfer that could have caused her to act all—"
Suddenly, from the distance, a voice picked up like a sickly whale-call. "Pierced Morgan?! When the Great and Powerful Trixie demanded that you carry her, she expected it to get done! Now where have your simian legs taken you off to this time?!"
Ayn and I are instantly wincing.
Piersmorgan twirls around, cupping his hands around his mouth. "C-coming, Trixie!"
"That's the Great and Powerful Trixie, and don't you forget it! "
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww shoot ." Applejack gnashes her teeth."
"But of c-course, Trixie—I-I mean Great and Powerful Trixie! " Piersmorgan trembles.
"Now come back and pick me up this instant! Your insufferable space concrete is doing absolute murder to the hooves of a brilliant artist!"
"Yes, ma'am! Right away, ma'am!" Piersmorgan turns towards us, chuckling awkwardly. "She's... uh... sh-she's very dainty..."
"Yes..." Aynrandy winces as he digs into his ear. "I-I'm sure."
"Pierced Morgan?! What are you waiting for?! The Great and Powerful Trixie has summoned you! "
"I-I was just breaking into a sprint!" Piersmorgan runs towards the distant path where a blue speck in a purple hoodie waits by a park bench. "Don't y-you worry your Great and Powerful Head over it!"
"I had better not! Ungh! Look at this purple sky! Who ever heard of a purple sky?! Did the Great and Powerful Trixie land in the Smooze Dimension?! "
I wince, then glance down to see Applejack grimacing just as hard, if not harder. "Uhhhh... Lemme guess." I kneel by her and place a reassuring hoof on her shoulder. "Somepony else you know? "
"And how." Applejack gulps. "Uhm..." She looks up at me, eyes thin. "Sugarcube?"
"Yeah, AJ?"
"I think I-I'm gonna need some of that Chex Mix right about now."
"Heheh..." I start unzipping the backpack. "Sure thing."
From a distance: "C-careful! The Great and Powerful Trixie's shiny coat is super sensitive!"
Applejack hides her face deep within her hood. "Better m-make it two bags..."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"Eeeeeugh..." She yawns from across the apartment. A feminine squeak briefly breaks through, and then the southern drawl returns in full force twang. "Just what are y'all workin' on, now? "
I can't help it. A smirk crosses my lips while I'm in the midst of navigating the holo-board. "Why do you do that?"
A tiny pair of green eyes blink in my peripheral vision. "Do what?"
"Say 'y'all' when you're clearly talking to one person?"
"Look, I sure dun badger y'all—er... you for the funny way ya say things!"
"Uh huh..." My gloved hand twitches and pivots, cycling through various windows of the browser across the translucent, levitating screen in the center of my living room. I enter a field, and my left gloved hand joins in, typing a user name and password in midair. "And just what funny way is that?"
"Well, y'know... erm..." She fidgets, an orange smudge in the center of the floor. "All them silly words like 'hand' and 'fingers' and 'flat-footed.'"
"Applejack, those aren't funny words. That's just human vocabulary."
"And just where in yer dictionary does it give y'all the right to tease me for the way I... th-the way I..." Her voice undulates like she's on an invisible roller coaster. I can sense her teeting through the blurry holofield. "Land's sakes! I'm a yawnin' machine today!"
"You're cute when you're sleepy," I mutter. "Hell, you're cute all the time."
"Quiet, you." Light hooves pad across the carpet as she makes her way to the couch. "Ya still didn't answer my question."
"Oh. Sorry. I'm... uh..." I sigh a bit, glaring apathetically at the flickering spreadsheet floating before my face. "I'm making sure there are no mistakes in the road schedule. We gotta be on the move two days from now, heading to a filming location in the southern hemisphere before Europa disappears from the night's sky."
"Shucks. Yer quite the hard worker, ain'tcha?"
"Heh..." I smirk. "That's flattering, coming from you."
"Hay, I can't pretend to understand half of it. I think it's awful swell that yer workin' in the broadcastin' business. I dun know why yer so glum about it." She reaches the foot of the couch and stands up on her hind quarters. "Sounds downright excitin' to me!"
"I'm not glum . It's just that... well... when you've been doing the same damn thing for so long, you start to feel a bit exhausted—"
"Nnnngh! Darn it!" She hops and hops and hops. "Unnngh! This is plum embarrassin'. I made it last time!"
"Whoops. Allow me, girl." I reach down and pick her up by her waist. I plop her down on the couch cushion to my left. "Y'know, all you need to do is ask."
She looks up at me with bleary, bleary eyes. "Hmmmph... I know that! I ain't no mare to..." She yawns again, fidgeting with the lengthy ends of her blue hoodie. "Mmmm... to r-refuse kind hospitality."
I giggle. "God's hooks, you're really tired."
"I am... n-not..." She nevertheless teeters on the brink, her frazzled blonde bangs flouncing. "Just a lil' dizzy from the ticklepopcorn."
"Teleportation ."
"Mfff... Whatever."
My nose wrinkles. Squinting, I lean over her fuzzy golden head and sniff again. "And would it kill ya to take a shower before coming over, for once?"
"And what is that supposed to mean?"
I return to typing away at my holoboard. "In case you haven't noticed, human society has evolved beyond the need for mud and backsweat."
"As well as the need for bein' polite and neighborly!"
"Heh..." I smirk. "Yeah, okay."
"Well excuse me for pollutin' yer hoity toity apartment with my dirty pony ways!"
"Applejack..." I giggle once more, shaking my head. "I'm only teasing. Seriously, though, did you come straight here from the fields?"
"Ermm..." She sits back, raising the neck of the hoodie high enough to cover her blushing freckles. "M-maybe..."
"Shhh —hey hey..." I lightly bat her hooves, forcing the hoodie to drop back over her orange chest. "Don't mess with it like that."
"Err... Why not?"
"We've been through this. It's just a prototype. I don't want you accidentally being warped away to another moon, or—Zoram forbid—some godawful dimension. Like the Flatulence Zone."
Her green eyes squint. "There's really such an awful place?"
"Professor Reginald P. Flatulence became a scientific martyr for a reason."
"Well, who in tarnation am I to argue with that?"
"Now you're just being sassy."
"Guilty as charged." She turns around three times, folds her legs from underneath, and curls up beside me. "Mmmmm... Celestia alive, I've never seen so many apples fall between sunup and sundown..."
"Had a long day?"
"And h-how." She pauses to yawn for the umpteenth time. "Big Mac's gone to help with a barn raisin' in Appleloosa. I had the fields all to myself, and there's no way in blazes I'm makin' Apple Bloom wear herself to the bone. Not yet, anyway..." Her freckled cheeks curved. "Eheheh..."
"You didn't have to come here, AJ," I say, typing a quick e-mail to the rest of my department. My eyes dart left and right across the fluctuating screen. "You deserve a good night's sleep. How about I send you back home?"
"Are y'all kiddin'?" She lifts her head up towards me. "I can't get a wink of sleep back there!"
"And why not?"
"Just 'cuz..." She sighs out her nostrils, resting the back of her head against my thigh from where she's curled. "All I ever seem to do these nights is lay wide awake, starin' at the ceiling and frettin' over gettin' the next week's harvest done on time."
"Sounds like somepony's got insomnia."
"Yeah... th-that's what Twilight thinks too."
"Maybe you should... uh... go see Nurse Joy about it."
"Her name's Nurse Redheart , ya dummy."
"Jee..." I smirk. "How could I ever have made that mistake."
"Naw, I just find it plum impossible to get some decent shut-eye these days," Applejack mutters. "Even when I'm tuckered out. It's almost like... like..."
"Like what?"
"I'm sorely missin' somethin'. Somethin' to distract me as I'm restin' my head against my pillow. Somethin' to rest my weary mind." She looks up and not so stealthily assaults me with a pair of sparkling emerald eyes. "Somethin' like a fancy shmancy human bedtime story that runs off of light and gadgetry."
"Ennnnnghhhh..." I sigh through a smirking expression. "You're the worst at giving subtle hints, AJ."
"Ya really think so?" She tiredly grins. "Then why are ya'all smilin'?"
"Fine. Fine ." I swipe my gloved hand across the screen, closing out the plethora of work documents. "Have it your way. Movie time."
She yawns out the quietest "Yeeeeeha" I've ever heard in my life, followed by, "Can we continue the one we left off at?"
"Pffft. You mean the one you fell asleep halfway through?"
"I did not!"
"Yeah, heh, okay." My hand motions drag a folder into view. I poke it open, reach in, grab a file with my palm, and fling it across the living room wall. A holographic projection sparks to life, showing a hero in black and a regal maiden stumbling through a boggy swamp. "Right... I think we were two minutes before this spot..."
"Uh huh uh huh uh huh..." Applejack climbs onto my lap and drapes herself on her side.
"Heh..." I smile and brush her blonde hairs behind her fuzzy ears. "Make yourself at home, why don't you?"
"Mmmm..." She curls her legs to her chest and breathes easier, gazing at the screen across from the sofa. "Don't mind if I do."
"You do remember what's happened up to this point, right?"
"Reckon I do. This here pirate fella is actually the gal's long lost sweetheart, Westley."
"Right. And he's gotta get Buttercup through the Fire Swamp to safety."
"Hmmmm..." Applejack rests her cheek against my knee. I can bet her eyes are already shut. "The thangs that you people come up with."
"Heh... I know, right?"
"Do they ever make it out of the Fire Swamp?"
"Just watch it and find out for yourself, silly pony."
"You've seen this movie before, haven't ya?"
"Well, yeah. It's a classic. And, between you and me, I'm not too fond of the remake they did in 2019 with Ellen Page and Joseph Gordon Levitt."
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
I wake up to the chime of my alarm.
Maybe it was a good dream, or perhaps the fuzzy remnants of one. Whatever the case, I'm smiling. I numbly slap my hand out and turn the alarm off, then sit up with a sigh, hugging my knees to my chest.
It's morning, and I need to go to work. I feel a stab to my heart, a very familiar prodding that's ailed me most of my life. And yet—on this occasion, like many mornings as of late—I don't let it depress me.
It's so quiet and lonely in my apartment. It's been this way for as long as I can remember. But I can take all of it in stride. I have a hard time understanding how I ever once couldn't take it in stride. What was so bleak and abysmal about my life that I used to surrender to these very same shadows?
I glance over to my vanity. A dark blue hoodie lies draped over the edge, plugged into the wall.
I sigh.
With stiff legs, I swing myself off the bed and shuffle to the bathroom. It's an hour and a half before I go to work. I'm going to need every damn minute of it.
The shower is a momentary slice of heaven... until the hell of managing my hair that follows afterwards. By the time I've become dry and presentable to the outside world, my stomach is gurgling. I wander into the kitchen to process myself some toast. I don't realize how tired I still am until I catch myself attempting to slide a right glove on my left hand.
With a groan, I flicker forth a holo-board of the morning news. There's a light meteor shower scheduled for the northern hemisphere this afternoon. That's alright. New legislation is attempting for the twenty-seventh consecutive time to outlaw clone bordellos on Venus. Good luck with that. Apparently there's a new incursion of pro-Centauri forces along the Vegan starfront. I guess not all news can be cheery.
Breakfast is done, and I wander back into the bedroom to fetch my shoes. Out of the corner of my eyes, I spot a lump in the hoodie's pouch. My heart skips a beat. I practically leap over the bed and yank the article off the vanity. Fidgeting, I reach into the pouch and pull out a wad of paper. Unfolding it, I scan my eyes across the page, holding my breath.
Then, I exhaled through a sad face.
It's the fourth day since Applejack last visited. Since then, she's only provided letters explaining how busy she is. Between bucking apples, helping Granny Smith with a cross-country delivery, and one or two lunches with her friends at a place called "Sugarcube Corner," the mare simply hasn't found the time to spare for... well ... the usual.
Such is to be expected, and I should be very, very glad that she's polite enough to keep me updated. Even still, I'm starting to feel winded. I know that this whole thing is just an experiment that she and I are both lucky to be a part of. That doesn't the change the fact that every time I reach into the pouch and grab a letter that conveys the same old thing, my day ends up feeling grayer and grayer.
It isn't until my third sigh in a row that I realize how much time I've wasted by just standing here with the hoodie and Applejack's letter in my grasp. As much as I enjoy busying myself at work and earning my beijings, I really can't stand the thought of languishing for another nine hours at a place far from home while pondering over whether or not I'll get to hear anything affirmative from her by the time I get back.
So, a spontaneous idea strikes my mind. Looking into the far corner of my bedroom, I grab a satchel. The hoodie is far too small for me to wear, though that is a delightfully silly thought. There's no rule against taking this thing out in the open. After all, I'd never have taken Applejack out on city strolls, if that was the case.
Still, I don't want the quantum capacitor causing any adverse effects on the transportation while I head towards work. So, for safety reasons...
I give the tag a firm tug, holding it stretched out from the hem of the article. After exactly three seconds, the thing vibrates, and the lights in the sweatjacket's seams go dim. The article is now in standby mode. Good. As it should be.
I fold it up neatly, smiling to myself. I then slide it into the satchel, slip on my shoes—and it's out the door I go.
The sky this morning is a shiny purple. I couldn't have asked for any better. A nice song plays over the speakers of the bus ramp. My ride on the hovertransit is relatively uneventful. I prefer it this way, gazing out the windows as the spires of the Sprawl bend and undulate around the soaring craft. At last, I reach my destination, then traverse the glossy lattice towards the broadcast tower where I work. From there, it's two elevators and a gravishaft leap to my office floor. I check in at the holoscreen, sharing a smile and a joke with the security unit. His servo motors are clicking smoothely today, and I compliment him on it.
As I stroll towards my cubicle, I see many faces—but very few of them see me. I'm not exactly a big name at my job, but that's fine. Aside from Aynrandy and a few of the girls down in public affairs, I've made few friends at this place. It's not that I'm antisocial; I just prefer a simpler, structured life—free of clutter.
This is evident in my desk—a relatively Spartan arrangement of keyboards, Neptunian digirigs, and sparse storage shelves. I made sure in the first year to invest most of my income in acquiring my very own Carpal Communications Array. As a result, I carry all of my important resources on me at all times. Work, I believe, should be a nebulous thing that is tackled from all angles and at all hours. That way, there is no stress—only existing .
I'm almost proud enough to smile, but that's not what's on my mind right now. The ride here took a little over half-an-hour. I wonder if maybe... just possibly ... Applejack could have sent me a letter in that time?
I glance out from behind my cubicle. None of the other workers are glancing my way. Stealthily, I unhook my satchel and open it. I reach in, unfold the hoodie, and lay it across my desk. Then, with casual hand motions, I plug it into an outlet beside my chair, then pull on the tag. One second. Two seconds. Three. The thing vibrates, and almost immediately—
"Gah!" I wince, for a mountain of notes has poured out... then another mountain... then a veritable deluge of sheets. "Shit! " I scramble down onto my knees, struggling to scoop up all of the hastily scribbled pony words. "Shit shit shit! " Whimpering, I flash worried, sweaty looks over my shoulder.
A passing employee blinks curiously my way. A secretary or two cranes their neck, eyebrows raised.
I smile nervously, waving back, then scramble to unfold the first of several sheets. The scant streaks of words flicker before my eyes: "Howdy! You doin' anythang at the moment?" "Hello? You there?" "I know it's been a long time, but I was wonderin' if you'd like to hang out?" "Didja receive my first few notes?" "I can't wait to tell ya about what happened to me this weekend! It's a real knee-slapper!" "Sugarcube? Everythang alright?" "Oh shucks, I'm botherin' ya somethin' awful, aren't I?" "I'm so sorry. I must come across as a silly lil' filly." "I'll stop now. I hope y'all have it in yer heart to forgive me."
"Oh no... oh no no no no Applejack..." I hiss, feeling the sore crackle in my throat. "Applejack, it's okaaaaay. Oh jeez... oh jeez..." I fumble through the pile of notes, my hand slapping across random spots of the desk until I knock over a plastic case of business cards. I grab one of them and hastily scribble across it with pen: "Five minutes. All good. Don't—"
"Uhhhh... is everything alright?"
"H-Huh?!" I look up, shivering, pale and wide-eyed.
I know this face. It's Michaelmoore, from marketing. His synthetic pupils whirr as he focuses in on my predicament. I see a worried co-worker or two huddled behind him. "Did you fall down or something?"
"No! I'm just... good and f-fuzzy!" I say, eyes twitching. "Nothing to cuddle—er... see here!"
"Well, alright." He smiles awkwardly and nods. "Just checking..." With a shifty glance, his implants change colors and he walks off, relieved.
I gulp. I stare down at the last line written on the business card. Without thinking, I finish it: "—panic." Then, in one fell swoop, I shove the card into the pouch and send it on its way. With a breath of relief, I stand up straight, hug the hoodie to my chest, and peer around the edges of my cubicle. Nobody's watching. Swiftly, I dart out, pitter-pattering on rapid feet. It feels like crossing an astronomical unit on a sea of burning coal. Nevertheless, I reach the closet on the far end, open it to the smell of disinfenctants and cleansers, and shut the door to the cramped compartment behind me.
I breathe out, slumping against the door as I feel my heartbeat pacing back to normal. A minute passes. A second. I knead the hoodie with my fingers, wondering if enough time has gone by or not.
Screw it.
I unfold the hoodie, flip a bucket over, and slide it to a stop in front of me. Flicking one of my gloves, I summon a holo-lamp, levitating it in place above me. I squat before the bucket and lay the hoodie over it. Then, with a contemplative breath, I grip the neck of the article and swiftly loosen it.
When Applejack ports in, she does so upside down. "Whoah!" She lands awkwardly on the bucket, her legs and tail drooped over it like a limp cat. Her head cranes back, her freckled face staring at me upside down while her golden mane spills out beneath her. A blink, and the muzzle that goes with those sparkly green eyes curves brightly. "Why, there you are, darlin'! I was startin' to get worried—"
"It's fine !" I wheeze, clear my throat, and smile anxiously. "Everything's okay!"
"Ya sure, sugarcube? Nnngh! Guh!" She fidgets and fusses with her hooves, then finally uprights herself, sitting squarely atop the bucket on folded legs. "Y'all didn't respond to me. Granted, I was a might excited-like... eheheh... but that's 'cuz I've missed ya somethin' awful and I couldn't wait to tell ya about my weekend—"
"I know, AJ! I r-read every letter! You must believe me. Please—"
"Whoah... simmer down there!" She waves an orange hoof. "T'ain't no insurrection!"
"'Inquisition.'"
"Whatever. Y'all understand me." She then stares down at her squirming hooves. "I-I just hope I didn't anger y'all with all of my scribblin' words—"
"Oh no, AJ. Never." I smile and lean forward, engulfing her in a hug. "I could never be mad at you. You hear me?"
She chuckles in my embrace. "Well, dun be too sure. Nopony's perfect. Whatever the case, it sure is nice hearin' yer voice and seein' yer face again..." She pauses, blinking as she stares at the dark closet around us. "Uhhhhh... darlin'?"
"Yes, Applejack?"
"Uhm... where in tarnation are we?"
"You... uh..." I blush slightly, leaning back as I smile awkwardly to the shelves surrounding us. "You sort of caught me at work."
Applejack blinks. "You work in a closet?"
I haven't laughed so hard in days.
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle
"So, when did y'all meet this 'Aynrandy' feller?"
"Hmmm?" I glance down at my lap. Applejack's seated on folded hooves, her innocent green eyes reflecting my face. "Oh... well..." I stare out the bus windows as we descend into the heart of the Sprawl. "Seven or eight years ago."
"Land's sakes! Yer practically soulmates!"
"Ew..." I giggle. "Please, don't say that."
"Why not? He's yer friend, ain't he?" Applejack smiles. "I think it's just fine and dandy that y'all manage to work at the same place and be next door neighbors."
"Uh huh..."
"It seems to me like some sort of 'you scratch my back' and 'I scratch yers' sort of a relationship."
"Meh."
"Y'all don't think so?"
"I spent the first two years getting used to his grating laugh," I say. "Then the next two years after that trying to avoid his constant flirts and come-ons."
"Shucks. What in the hay brought that on?"
"One drunk weekend party on Enceladus. We were on a cruise, and—well—to make a long story short, I left the playful dolphins behind and he never did."
"Reckon I don't get it."
"And I reckon you shouldn't have to. Let's just say that—after a very bumpy ride, a ride that Ayn likely wishes was bumpier between us—we've settled for just friends ." I squirm where I sit. "Mmmm... more or less."
"'Love and tolerate,' I always say!" Applejack smiles.
"I always thought you said 'yeeeeha.'"
"Snkkkt-heeheehee!"
"... ... ...what?"
"Nothin'."
"No, come on. Out with it. What?!"
"Just... snkkkt..." She holds a hoof over her scrunched muzzle and smiles up at me with teary eyes. "The goddess-awful monotone with which you choose to say that! Heeheehee!"
I stare at her. I blink. "'Yeeeeeeeeeha?'"
She guffaws, rolling over on my lap. I have to hold her to keep her from rolling onto the floor of the bus. Heads turn and squint curiously at us.
"Uhhhh..." I smile crookedly. "'Giddy-up, partner,'" I drone. "'Time to circle the wagons.'"
"Haaaaah hah hah hah hah!" Applejack hugs herself, a squealing, giggling mess. "Oh Celestia! Oh goddess above , I'm gonna fertilize myself!"
"Not on my lap , you won't!"
"Ahem..." She clamps her jaw shut, though a snicker or two still slithers out. "J-just pullin' yer leg, sugarcube. Snkkkkt !" She hides her reddening face with her dark blue hood. "Ohhhhhh my sides hurt! My sides hurt somethin' awful!"
"How about this." Petting her, I lean down and murmur into her hooded ears. "Keep it down for the rest of the ride, and I'll let you open the first of the twelve bags of Chex Mix I brought for the picnic."
Applejack sits up straight like an antenna pole. "Ahem ." She sweats slightly, limbs locked at attention. "Prim and proper! Just you take a gander! No squirmin' to be seen here! Uh uh!"
A half-dozen or so bus riders chuckle at the pony.
"She's not so goofy once you get to know her!" I say, scratching her head with a proud smirk. "In case you're wondering, I won her in a raffle. You shoulda seen what the other person won. I'll give you a hint, it's not nearly as southern ."
More chuckles.
"Sugarcube..." Applejack squeaks out the side of her muzzle. "Do ya mind...?"
"Hey, I'm not the one eating Chex Mix today."
"Honestly, though, such sass..."
"That's your favorite word of the day."
"Well, all of yers send me trippin' over myself." She tilts her head up at me, squinting upside down. "'Southern?'"
"What about it?"
"What in tarnation does it mean?"
"It's your accent, silly," I say, fussing with a few loose strands of hair. "You sound like you're from the South."
"The south of what? "
"New Mobile, of course. Venutians from the Southern Hemisphere are avid farmers." I frown as I fuss more and more. "Seriously, Applejack, your mane! "
"What about it?"
"Did you sleep in a cave full of blow driers overnight?! Ungh ... gimme a second..." I reach into the backpack seated next to me, fumbling for a brush.
"What's the big heapin' deal?" Applejack chuckles under her breath. "We're gonna be on the outside, sweatin' in the purple daylight anyways!"
"So?!" I hold her tiny body steady and proceed to brush back her golden threads, straightening her ponytail. "No sense in you looking like you just rose from the dead!"
"Actually, darlin', I think that'd be you this mornin'." She gigglesnorts.
"Hardy har har. Just sit straight and let me fix this."
"I'm tellin' y'all, t'ain't nothin' to fix!" She sighs in a grumbling tone. "I swear, yer worse than Rarity!"
"I barely understand that, but somehow I still feel insulted."
"Really, though, you even take about as long to get ready for the day as her!" Applejack shrugs as I continue straightening her mane. "I wasted nearly forty-minutes sittin' on my keister, waitin' for you to port me on over here!"
"So what if I need to freshen up in the morning?"
"Ah... I knowwwww what it is." She chuckles. "You just wanna present me all neat and sparkly-like!"
I pause, nearly dropping the brush. "Huh?!"
"Don't 'huh' me!" She smirks up at me. "Deep down yer thinkin' that this here picnic's like a cat or dog show! And here you are groomin' me up nice to win the best ribbon!"
"That's... th-that's not true at all!" I cackle.
"Heheheheheh..." She chortles. "Yer just dyin' to show me off to all the other ponies and their humans!"
"Pfft! Please ." I fold my arms. "I just don't want you looking silly , that's all!"
"Heeheehee... yer soooooo red right now!"
"I am not!" I grimace. Through the corner of my vision, I see a young couple smirking at me. "Sh-shut up!" I bark, making them chuckle. "You get an adorable talking horse of your own and see how it is!"
"Uh uh uh! None of that!" Applejack looks up at me. "No need in gettin' yer invisible tail in a twirl."
"Nnnnnngh... yes yes, I know ."
"And I ain't yer little pet, ya hear?"
"That I definitely know."
"Good." Applejack sits still... for about five seconds. Biting her lip, she looks nervously up at me. "But... erm ... I-I still get to have some of that Chex Mix later, r-right?"
"Yes. Yes you will." I reach down and pet her.
"Hmmmmm..." She smiles, her eyes shut and her tail wagging.
I roll my eyes. Within seconds, we feel the th-thump of the hoverbus touching down. "Whelp, this is our stop." I hoist the backpack over my shoulder. Applejack hops down onto the floor. "You sure you don't want me to carry you?"
"Thanks, darlin', but I can't be held on a pedestal forever!" She trots gaily out the bus' exit with a proud smirk. "Besides, I could use a stretch before we get to the park!" She's gone from the bus for three seconds—when there's a horrible, shrill dog bark from right outside. "Whoah nelly! " She dashes back in, scampering and clawing and paddling at my lower left leg.
With a sigh, I bend over and scoop her up. "There... better?"
"Y-yup..." She gulps, shivering in my arms as I carry her out of the bus and safely down the street to where the park stretches widely between monuments and skyscrapers. "I... uh... f-fancy stretchin' my legs once there's some grass beneath my hooves."
"You'll get no argument from me."
