Twilight's Conundrum (and other tales)

It had been on her mind for the better part of the week.

Spylight Twarkle worked fucking furiously, her library in a complete and total state of disarray as the purple unicron fucking levitated insane amounts of books 'n shit. Half-eaten remains of breakfast, lunch and dinners past littered various desks and bookshelves as Spike did his best not to have palpitations.

"EY YO TWILIGHT, THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT, YO?" Spike posited.

"Well, you snivelling little cunt of a purple whelp," Twilight began calmly, "I am in the midst of some research regarding a resident of this town. It is alleged by some that while she may appear to be a young pegasus filly, she is actually in fact a chicken in disguise."

"...THE FUCK?" Spike shrieked in his best Madonna impression. "ARE YOU FOUR-LEGGED PONY MUTHAFUCKAS REALLY THAT DIM, YO? IS YOU FOR REALS?"

"Evidently, yes."

With that, Spike turned to the audience. Twilight froze in the background as the stage lights dimmed and a spotlight shined on him.

"Ey yo," his monologue began, "this shit be cray-cray. For reals. I ain't stickin' around ta' see what dis crazy-ass mare gets her plot into again, y'all dig? I'm AUDI-5000, yo. Peace!"

The stage lighting resumed normalcy. Twilight unfroze.

"EY YO TWI, IMMA PEACE!" Spike shouted through a hastily constructed megaphone comprised of discarded scrolls and parchment.

"AIGHT, AIGHT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HEAH, DEN!" Twilight bellowed.

And so, for a time, the research continued. Twilight looked into every possible avenue at her disposal, silently thanking Celestia for her generous donation of books to be used for this very purpose - the pursuit of knowledge. To put it frankly, she was so fucking hyped that her hype-meter was overhyped, yo. Word. Anyway, after looking into several rather obscure leads, she pounded her head off the table in frustration.

"Goddamn, yo! How the fuck is Scootaloo a goddamn chicken?!"

"Bock bock?" Scootaloo replied.

When Twilight bonked her head off of the desk, she actually knocked herself unconscious. This is just a dream sequence, totally not the fact that the may or may not have ruptured a blood vessel inside her skull, suffering a subdural hematoma.

Twilight's eyelids twitched as she whirled to face her arch-nemesis: Dr. Scootaswag. Her rival was dressed in her usual garish display of various bath towels and curtains, cackling maniacally for NO CLEARLY GIVEN RAISIN.

"We meet again, Spylight Twarkle!" The mad doctor taunted, absentmindedly picking at a CONVENIENTLY PRODUCED bag of chicken feed.

"Goddammit, yo, the name's Captain Twilight-muthafuckin'-licious, yo!" Twilight shouted back. This is what she usually referred to herself as in a dream sequence.

"Captain Twilight-muthafuckin'-licious?" Dr. Scootaswag shrieked. "I'd rather die!"

"HAVE AT YOU!" Twilight replied, producing a pair of rather bloody sharp bladed.

And then they dueled or some shit, and Twilight woke up in the hospital a couple of days later or some other shit, but she was totally fine. Probably. I mean, I still haven't explained how she appeared in subsequent chapters if she was supposedly dead by the end of the first chapter from blood loss.

ANYWAY, END