Twilight's Conundrum (and other tales)

Twilight motherfucking Sparkle stood behind the podium. She gave a motherfucking speech.

"Yo, ponies. I know we've all seen a lot of dicks in the past couple of days. Dicks in our salads, dicks in our coffee - fucking hell, dicks fucking everywhere! Why, just this morning, I found not only a dick in my cereal, but a whole fucking bag of dicks perched precariously on a shelf in my motherfucking pantry! The dick situation...no..."dicksuation" is getting way outta fucking hoof, yo. I say we gotta do somethin' about it. I'm tired'a all these motherfuckin' dicks all up in my treehouse/library combination, yo! I've had it up to fuckin' here with dicks leapin' outta my fuckin' vacuum cleaner all nimbly-wimbly, makin' a fuckin' scene with their gallavanting and general dick shenanigans! I don't want no more dicks congregatin' 'round my fuckin' coffee machine, talkin' 'bout their Celestia damned weekends!"

"Yeah! Dicks are lame!" Shouted a totally not-gay rainbow-maned pegasus in the crowd.

"Totally the lamest fuckin' shit!" Princess Luna affirmed, adorning her face with some DAVID CARUSO QUALITY SUNGLASSES, YO.

"Ah...I tend to disagree," Braeburn piped up, because HE'S TOTALLY FUCKING GAY IN A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF FANFICS.

"The fuck is a 'dick', now?" Swaggy Belle asked.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I SEW YOUR VAGINA SHUT," Rarity bellowed.

"Dicks are pretty fucking dumb, yo," Twilight continued. "I mean, who wants a fucking barrel of dicks delivered to their doorstep at six o' clock in the fucking morning, yo?!"

"Oops! My bad!" Derpy shrieked.

"EY YO, DERPY!" Dash cried. "How come yo' voice is different from before?"

"I DUNNO, G!" Derpy replied. "PROBABLY 'COZ SOME FUCKING OVERSENSITIVE ARTIST OR SOME SHIT ROSE UP A FUCKIN' STINK ABOUT IT FOR NO OTHER POSSIBLE REASON THAN TO FURTHER INFLATE THEIR ALREADY OVER-INFLATED EGO!"

"YEAH, I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE, YO," Dash said as she nodded her head, whilst wondering whether or not taking a massive dump during a sonic rainboom would turn it into an ironic shitboom.

"SO IT'S AGREED?" Spylight Twarkle asked. "WE TAKE ALL THE DICKS?"

"WE TAKE ALL THE DICKS!" The crowd thundered in response.

And then they totally took all the fucking dicks.