Into the Mind of a Troubled Brony
Most of my days are spent thinking, thinking and rarely doing. Tonight will be different. I have been thinking about this since the first day I became a brony, the first day I received ridicule. I didn't think much of it at first, since it was just a "You like My Little Pony? Dude, that's gay!" I expected that would be said to me. What I didn't expect was what followed after that.
Others joined him, started calling me names and giving me death threats. Seriously, why the death threats?! Completely not necessary in my opinion, that's taking it way too far. Come on guys, it's just a show for crying out loud! There's no harm in it, the fandom is amazing, and it teaches morals, what's so bad about it? Sure there's technicolor talking ponies and magical friendship and what not, that doesn't make it gay.
People these days, I will never understand them.
That was only three years ago when the show started. I had nothing to do that day, so I became curious. I was flipping through the TV channels and what I saw was quite unfamiliar to me. The day was already playing itself over in my head.
I was walking home from school, like any other day, the clear blue skies and the breeze of the cool air made me feel alive. The outside scenery itself looked like hope was on its way. The cheerful chirping of the birds and the cars passing by, seemed like a productive day to me. It wasn't a very dense neighborhood, the nearest house was probably a mile or two away at the least. Being a high school senior at the time, I was already care-free enough. Already having passed most of my classes, I had nothing to worry about.
My school was about five to ten miles away, people usually have taken a bus to get there. I prefered to walk, it gave me time to think. Every school day that went by, I always looked forward to walking home. It was just me, myself, and my thoughts. I would usually think about the day and its highlights. Constantly worrying about assignments and the opinions of others back in my earlier years. However, I matured past that and didn't really care what anyone thought of me, or so I assumed.
The usual route I used would take around four to five hours, not an exact period of time, but that's from what I can recall. I walked inside, shut the door, put my bookbag down, and took a deep breath. Another day went by, which meant another one was wasted. I would constantly think on wanting to do something, but I'd never get to it.
I sat down on the couch, turned on the TV, and began looking through the channels. Due to our cable box's capability of recording episodes, I quickly went there instead and see what my mom had recorded. There was nothing intriguing on TV anyways, so that was my next resort.
Looking through what she recorded, there was nothing that caught my attention. Since we had a little sister, I was expecting a bunch of shows that were for a more younger audience. Although she had recorded TV shows for me to watch, I didn't like those shows anymore, they lost my changing tastes in what I wanted to watch. I didn't want to tell my mom I didn't like them anymore, that would hurt her feelings, and the last thing you want to do is hurt your mother's emotions.
However, one show stood out to me. Way different from the other ones, it had more color to it and it looked more cartoony than just bland animation that looked like it came from a 3D animating program. Those were already boring enough.
"My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?" I said to myself, "Well...no one's home, couldn't hurt to try it."
So I did, I clicked to watch the first two episodes that were there. Coincidentally, today was the premiere of the show. I slouched back on the couch and not a single moment went by where I thought this was a bad idea. Of course, it seemed silly at first, but what was the harm? Nobody knows you're watching this, so why worry?
An hour went by and I just finished watching the premiere. It was a weak start, but the show definitely captured my interests. Are you even listening to your head? You're saying that a girly cartoon show about magical friendship and ponies actually interests you?! Yes, yes it did.
I snapped back to reality and I found myself laying in bed. Now 21 years old, and still watching this show despite what everyone said about me. I live in a small apartment complex that, luckily for me, was really close to where I worked. Just about ten blocks away, I could easily walk there. It was hell ever since I got the job. The very first moment I mentioned the show, they all gave me a weird look, and laughed at me.
The memory of my first day on the job made me cringe every time I thought about it. To this day, they still pull pranks on me, taping notes to my back that read "ponyfag" on them. Every now and then one of my co-workers would pull me aside to talk with me privately. They usually suggested that I get mental therapy because here I am, still liking this great show.
I clear my mind of everything negative and focus on one thought, this one thought that hopefully, when turned into an action, would get them to stop their ways of ridicule. I sit up on the bed and start focusing on the fandom, what a great fandom it is. However looks can be deceiving, from it looked like, the fandom was great, kind, supportive, and overall just uplifting and inspirational.
I knew I couldn't draw, but I tried to. Since then, my art has gotten better, but even they...even they poke fun at my drawings. I decided to switch from the art and start writing fan fictions. Even that didn't help anything, I thought what I was writing would be good and I would get positive feedback. My grammar was good, but they would always criticize that my ideas were terrible. Well maybe if you offer suggestions on better ideas, then maybe I wouldn't be in this mental mess!
I shook my head, clearing my mind of all negativity once again and I proceed to the bathroom. I quickly glimpse at the clock, it was about 7:30 PM from what I saw. I slowly opened the door and flicked on the switch. The same, dull bathroom as it always was and will be. This thought I had, branched into many other connections, how was I going to follow through with this? In what way would this be most fulfilling to their wishes?
I shake my head again, I'm not supposed to be thinking like this, but I have no other option. I can't please the world, nor can I please myself. Sure I would always be happy when I'm watching My Little Pony, but whenever every episode ends, I sit there, on my chair. Sometimes sitting for hours, lost in my own brain. Why can't I have friends like Twilight does? Why can't this world be more like Equestria?
The questions go on and on and are never-ending, I would go to sleep with these questions buzzing around my mind.
This is so unfair, everyone has amazing friends and a good life to look forward too. All I have are these asshole co-workers and not much potential for a good life. They said I would never amount to much.
They're probably right.
Living alone has its perks, I can do what I want, when I want. Sometimes I would be watching an episode in absolute jealously instead of happiness, what I should be feeling. I loathed having a dream where I would be in Equestria, I'd walk up the next day and so much disappointment would come over me. It's not real, so why look forward to dreaming? Those dreams mocked me...living a life I can never have. The only moments where I would be in excitement was when that thought would enter my brain.
It made me smile wickedly, just thinking of what happens after fills me with so much curiosity. If I did this, I can finally please them. Doing something I can never think of doing, pleasing the world and it's awful ways of functioning societies.
Just when they hear the word "brony" I bet their mind is filled with various murder plots and torture methods to harm these amazing people. These people are not bad! Sure there's always that dark side to the fandom, but they can be good too!
No one never sees the good in anything unusual to them! They just think the world would be perfectly normal without them. Sometimes I thought that too. No...you can't give in to their thoughts of madness. I have been nothing but kind and generous to them like those two characters in the show! All I got in return was a mental ass kicking and rejection upon rejection of being accepted by these corrupted minds!
They don't know what it's like to be a brony, I bet they never tried the show to begin with. It's not just a show and a fandom. This can be taken as a way of life. From what the show teaches, it seems like the perfect life to live. Treating others the way you want to be treated, what a joke! My co-workers know nothing of respect!
Calm down...you're just prolonging the inevitable. I find myself staring intently into the mirror, which was a medicine cabinet, when opened. I wasn't focusing on myself, I was focusing on what was inside. What can I use to finally rid myself of all this pain and insanity I'm starting to develop? Various methods come into my head, either I can use whatever's inside the cabinet, or do something more...profound.
I lost track of the time and here I am again, hesitant on acting based on what I'm thinking. Boy, I can just feel insanity beginning to knock on the door, ready to bust in any moment with a battering ram. It must've been at least a half an hour of thinking.
I open up the cabinet, grab whatever I think is fatal, close it, and take a quick look at what I grabbed. Yeah...this should be enough, more than enough. I shut the bathroom door behind me and make my way to the bed. I set everything down and another thought comes to me. Maybe I should get more objects to increase what I can choose from. I stagger to the closet, my knees shaking as I make my way to the door.
I can feel it, I'm so determined to act upon this thought that started just as a brush off, but I feel afraid. If I do this, then that means I'll be dying alone. Alone and in fear, not the best way to die, but for me, it appears to be the only way.
I open the closet and pull a switch that's hanging from a lightbulb. It's a small closet in comparison to regular ones. My gaze immediately shifts to a white box that sits on the floor. It's an old box, aged from the dust and decomposition. This box must've been made from an early 1920's time period. Then I remembered it's use.
My great grandfather gave me this box, he said to me, "Use it for your most beautiful memories grandson, as I have. I emptied my memories from it so yours can fill it. Please...don't disappoint me..." the last words I ever remember hearing from him.
My emotions started to become mixed, I remembered what I put in the box, I knew my great grandfather wouldn't like it. It makes me sad that he would feel so ashamed, but I feel happy about myself, knowing that in this box, would contain happy memories. My only happy memory.
Tears of joy and bitterness started to form as I slowly lifted the lid. I already knew what was inside, but I wanted it to feel as if it were christmas morning, receiving that one thing I always wanted, but Santa never brought me.
Inside was a Pinkamena plushie, a pencil, a piece of worn out paper, and a loosened noose. I closed it before opening it halfway, I didn't want to see what was in there. I picked up the box, turned off the light, and shut the closet.
Slowly making my way towards the bed, I felt my knees weakening, and my feet being unable to carry out what my brain commanded it to do. I stood there halfway to my destination, fighting back the tears that were forming. A few managed to flow freely, which only made me want to cry even more.
A 21 year old male, obsessed over a little girls show, and he's crying? Wow, that must be the most pathetic action I ever heard. Just listen to myself, my brain is hurting me more than my co-workers actually are. I continue to make my way to the bed, looking at the clock once more.
9:00 PM? Wow...time sure does fly when you're having fun. Fun? What is fun? Is it something to be enjoyed? Or is it just something that exists to mock you? Fun's presence makes fun of my every living second. There are people out there, having fun and enjoying themselves, while I'm here, doing the same. Except this is a different kind of fun, it's more anticipating than it is actually enjoyable.
The anticipating kind where you know something great is about to happen. My time is when I decide it's my time. That's the beauty of suicide. No! Stop thinking like this! Please! For yourself! This isn't the way the go!
But it's the only way to go!
No it isn't! Quit lying to me!
When you stop lying to yourself, then I'll stop lying to you.
I shook my head in disbelief, I'm actually having a mental conversation with myself. This is what loneliness does to you. It must have took me ten minutes to get to my bed with the pace I was going at. My head just won't shut up!
I gently toss the box where I set down all the bottles of pills. The pills were for the usual problems, heartburn, nausea, and anxiety. Sometimes I'd have digestive problems. My weight was not a issue at all, being only around 170 pounds, I shouldn't worry about that. I thought that an overdose of these would be more than enough for my system to handle. If that didn't work, I had a plan B.
I opened the box and threw the lid at the TV. Hey, you know what? I haven't watched My Little Pony in a while, why not watch your last episode? I grabbed the remote and turned on the television. Luckily like my mom had done in the past, I had recorded episodes of My Little Pony to watch on demand. I scrolled through which one I thought would be a good one to watch before my time came.
I clicked on the "Too Many Pinkie Pies" episode and paused it before it started. I froze for a moment and my eyes shifted to the box. Should I try and draw too? These could be lovely distractions. Originally I was going to use the paper for a suicide note, but I might as well make a better use of it.
I dug out the paper and pencil, got up and sat at my night desk. I turned on the dim light that was attached to the side. It'll have to do, besides, I can already see it enough from the light emitting from the television screen. I thought about who I wanted to draw, heck, why not Pinkie?
I believe my mind contradicts itself when it comes to instances like these. My mind is so focused on negativity and the afterlife, but yet Pinkie is the pony I come to like out of the mane six. I shrugged and debated what I should do first. Should I draw, or watch the episode?
Maybe watching the episode will shed some light on my inspiration to draw. I sat on the end of my bed, and resumed play.
I watched up until they had to watch the paint dry, Pinkie would do anything to stay with her friends...how devoted she is. Her friends are so amazing that she would take the time out of her hyperactive life to do something not of her nature. I wish I had friends like hers...
I paused the episode and stared at the screen with envy. I would kill to have friends like Pinkie does. Heck, I would even walk around the world if it meant to find that one person that would go out their way to help me through my shit life.
I continued staring for what seemed like hours, this is what has become of me. Envious of cartoon ponies and willing to give up everything I own in order to go to their paradise. I shook my head to get out of the trance and looked at my clock.
It was about 10:30, sleep was the last thing on my mind, if it were ever in there to start with. I've been waiting for this moment for a few years, might as well just make it happen.
Why not wait a few more hours? Surely you must be afraid.
I am afraid, thank you very much, I will wait a few more hours. However, i'm not as scared as you think I am.
Oh? Not as scared huh? Why don't you go to the kitchen and whip up a nice peanut butter and jelly with the sharpest knife in the box?
You think i'm crazy, huh? I'm not just going to give in to your temptations.
Come on, what's a sandwich gonna do to hurt you?
I know what you're thinking...
Hm? How's that?
Because i'm talking with myself again! This has to stop!
My internal conversation was abruptly halted when I heard a knock on the door. I quickly turned off the TV, covered everything on my bed with the blanket, and stood up. I gulped and shuffled to the door.
"Who is it?" I asked in a shaky tone.
There was no response. I assumed the person must have left before I answered.
Good...I don't want another human to deal with, let alone my inner conscience. I sighed in relief and unawarely went to the kitchen. I did feel rather hungry since my co-workers stole my lunch again. I opened a bag of a loaf of bread, took a couple pieces and placed them on top of it. I got a paper plate and set it on the counter.
My actions took a dark turn when I opened up the drawer. I rummaged through the contents until I found a sharp cutting knife. Yeah, this was sharp enough to cut through skin.
Stop! Stop this right now!
How about you make me?
I can!
Then do it!
My grasp on the knife hardened, I couldn't let it go. There must've been a gap in time, I didn't see myself hold it up so close to my chest. I blinked, realizing what I was about to do. I swung the knife away from me and forcefully stabbed it through the plate, into the counter.
I didn't care about noise complaints, complain all they want to, this is my part of the complex after all, isn't it?
Suddenly, I heard the knock on the door again. I noticed I had been breathing heavily from the adrenaline that was rushing throughout my body.
I slowed my breathing until it was nearly audible and asked more sternly, "Who is it?!" and again, there was no response.
I grunted, annoyed already with this ding-dong ditching, I swiftly walked to the door. I swung it open, expecting to find some sixteen year old teenager. To my surprise, I found nobody. Maybe it's my ears playing tricks on me, giving me that false hope that someone would come along to rescue me.
I slowly shut the door and sighed. A wave of embarrassment caused me to blush. I went back to the kitchen and examined the knife that was stuck in the counter. That blade must've been three to five inches deep, I did put a lot of force into the stab.
I wiggled it until it came out. Opening the drawer, I put it back in and with a jolt, maybe some kind of muscle spasm, I slammed it shut. My elbows felt spring-loaded, I was ready to do that again! At this time, a tsunami of anger washed over all my emotional control.
Why does the world have to be so cruel to me? What did I do to deserve this?
Because you watch a cartoon show about ponies? Yeah, people don't like it when your kind actions are based off of this kind of stuff.
You can put a cork in it! I've had it with you!
With me? Ha! You can't get rid of me!
Oh yes I most certainly can!
Oh really? How?
By han-...I see what you're doing.
No seriously, say it, flatter me.
I'm not giving in to my subconscious. I'm not ending myself just yet. I still have much more to do.
Awww! Come on! I wanted to hear you say it, or...think it!
A period of laughter started, even my own brain is against me! Then I started to connect the recent events that just happened. My subconscious has been listening to every single one of my thoughts. It created those knocks on purpose...insanity is coming. No, it's already here.
I banged my head against the wall to try stoping my everlasting mental conversation. To no avail, I was still thinking. I was still alive. This had to end soon or soon enough, I'll make it worse for me than it already is. I might drive myself to a murder, rape, or even a kidnapping! No, not tonight...I am not messing with anyone's life but my own.
I ate the two pieces of bread, wrapped up the bag and put it away in a cabinet. I snatched the paper plate and balled it up with every last bit of anger I had left in me and threw it away. I needed to relax.
I stumbled to bed, ripping off the blanket. I grabbed the Pinkamena plushie and sat it under the light on my night desk. I sat down on the chair and stared at it.
What struck me as odd was that it started to frown more, as if it was annoyed by my existence. Great, you pissed off a plushie! Another knock was heard, nope, not answering it.
It knocked again, more forcefully. My my, getting a little antsy, aren't we death? I know you want me, but you're just going to have to wait! Just a little longer, please?
Why don't you answer it? Someone could actually be there, you know.
Stop feeding me with lies...you're getting nowhere with this.
Surely I am, but why not listen to the voice of reason for a moment? You never know what could happen.
This isn't the voice of reason, it's the voice of trickery! You're not fooling me!
Sooner or later, I'll have full control over you, just you wait.
Only I have full control over me! Me and only me can control what I do!
There you go, now we're getting somewhere.
Another knock interrupted my internal argument. I am not answering that door...
I picked up the plushie and sat it back in the box. I grabbed the noose and tightened it before putting it back in as well. I glanced at the TV, I could watch My Little Pony some other time. I switched channels and started watching The Weather Channel.
Heavy showers later tonight? Good, hopefully that'll be enough to drown out the voice within me, driving me mad. I noticed that the time had read 11:45, damn, this is going to be one long night.
I better get to the drawing, it isn't going to draw itself. I quickly get the base of the drawing done, nice work if I do say so myself. With the outline of the Earth Pony already done, the rest should be a breeze. Pinkie's mane will be a bit hard to draw though.
About a half hour went by and the face is looking pretty decent, almost like the actual Pinkie from the show. I was quite astounded by this because my drawings usually don't look like this. Eh, I guess it must that inspiration kicking in. It could just be beginner's luck. Whatever it is, don't fail me now.
I take a break and switch back to the episode. Needing a reference on how to draw Pinkie's mane, there's so many of them! This'll be easy! I pause at another moment where I found suitable to use as my reference. The tail was easy compared to the mane, my gosh that mane, so poofy and swirly.
It's done! every detail seems to be in order and it looks just like her. A good pat on the back for me. I wanted to color her in, but it came to my awareness that there we're no crayons or colored pencils! OH COME ON!
I sighed deeply with a heavy grumble from my throat. The stores are all closed by now, from what I assumed. Couldn't hurt to check, but it'll be a long search before I find any store that's open past midnight, and sells colored pencils.
I didn't have a car, or a bike, so walking was my next best option. I turned off the TV, put on my coat, and cautiously opened the door. There was no one there. I rolled my eyes at the ridiculous games my mind was playing on me. Now what would be a good store to expect to find open after dark?
How about a dollar store? Do you even have any money?
I sure do, I have a paycheck that I got today, WHICH I DIDN'T CASH IN!
Haha! Forgetful you are, Stupidity you feel!
This isn't the time for Yoda impersonations! There has to be a bank open! I know there is!
Good luck finding one, until then, you're on your own.
Good...now I can have my thoughts back to myself. I shut the door behind me, locked it, and put the key in my pocket. I checked if my paycheck was still in there, thankfully it was. I made my way to the commercial area of town. It wasn't a long walk, perhaps a thirty to forty minute walk from what I guessed. I gazed around to see if there were any banks open.
Halelluia! Thank you Bank of America! I jogged over to the ATM and quickly made the exchange. Then I looked over the area several more times. Hmm, there's a CVS that's still open, I doubt they have colored pencils, couldn't hurt to try.
I waltzed into the store, browsing around for anything that looked like I could color with.
"Hello sir, how may I help you?" the cashier asked.
With me being deep in thought, I didn't pay attention to her.
"Sir? Do you need help?" She asked again.
My train of thought was swiftly broken as I responded, "Yes actually, do you have colored pencils or crayons I can buy?"
"What person comes here to buy crayons at this time of night?"
"Me."
"I see..." she pointed to the aisle where the coloring utensils were.
I picked up a box of 32 coloring pencils, then I proceeded to the cashier's desk.
"That'll be $4.99 sir," she stated.
I pulled a five dollar bill out of my picket and handed it to her.
"Keep the change," I said.
"Haha, very funny, now get out of the store, you creep," she replied, giving me an uncomfortable look.
Come on! I just bought colored pencils, what's so weird about that? No matter, I have a drawing to finish. Without a response, I went out the door and started making my way home. The voice in my head came back unfortunately.
You like her, don't you?
No I don't! I just want to finish this damn drawing!
Come on, admit it, you like her!
Why are you making such an assumption?
Why are you walking in the middle of the road?
Holy shit, my mind is right. I found myself walking straight down the turning lane of a busy street. Thankfully it's only busy during the day so I got back on the sidewalk and made my home.
When I arrived, I unlocked the door and went inside. I shut it behind me and made sure it was locked. I turned the TV back on and sat back down at my night desk. I stared at the paper, my eyes adjusting to the light. Finally I can finish this stupid dra- wait a minute! Where's my drawing?!
Ok, I've seen unusual things happen all the time, but I have absolutely no explanation for this. I focus on the paper more, trying to do with what my eyes have adjusted with so far. Nope, still nothing, it's like my drawing erased itself while I was out.
Looks like I got these colored pencils for nothing. Another possibility pops up in my list of other reasonable occurrences. What if someone came in through the window and erased it? No, seems too silly for that to be true. What if I really didn't draw it? Oh come on now, of course you did!
I slowly pick up the paper and it felt...heavier than before. I put it back down and even more reasons come to mind. This time they were getting unrealistic. What if the drawing came to life? I laughed out loud at the thought of it. Really? A drawing coming to life? That's preposterous! Although I didn't have anything else to reason with reality here.
Maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me again, oh that little fella likes to play a lot, doesn't it?
Hey! I'm not playing with you! This is actually happening!
Yeah right! I know hallucinations when I see them! You're not getting my hopes up for something so ridiculous as a drawing coming to life!
Why don't you see for yourself?
I already did! Make it come back, I'm tired of living in this world of lies...
Lies? Ok, let's get something straightened out. There is good in the bad and bad in the good, so your average every day liar can tell at least one truthful sentence every now and then.
I snickered, come on, that really doesn't happen. I mean, it could be true but then again, how can you tell if the liar is telling the truth?
That's a good point, it's almost impossible to tell. Would your own mind lie to you?
Yes you have! A thousand times over, you have constantly lied t- I mean...I constantly lie to myself all the time.
It has begun...I'm starting to refer my mind as a separate being. You couldn't, oh I don't know, flip the paper over?!
I face palmed at the action, duh! Just flip it over and see the truth for yourself! Hmm...maybe it can wait, I am getting a little thirsty. I get up off the chair and my ears start focusing on what's happening outside. I can hear the first drops of rain, as the meteorologist correctly forecasted.
Finally, at least they tell the truth for once. Hearing the rain makes me want to drink water, but I was in the mood for something more alcoholic. Drinking alcohol isn't the best decision to make, although I am of legal age.
Maybe you should drink some of the left over beer you sat in your fridge a week ago?
Maybe you should shut your thought processes. I don't want to hear you anymore...
How can you shut off your own brain?
Don't be such a smartass, I know what I'm capable of. I can shut you down in an instant if I wanted to.
You didn't answer my question. How are you going to do it?
I know what you want to hear from me. I'm not saying it.
Aww, why not?
Because you already know.
I know I do but come on, say it!
How about no, why can't I just drink some damn water?!
Ugh! Fine! Do whatever you want!
I walk over to the window and open it, the screen blocking out the water droplets. I'm starting to hear a faint scream...I couldn't tell if it was coming from outside, or from inside my head. The scream gradually became louder, as if someone was being tortured to death.
Hey buddy! Red flag! Someone's getting murdered! Why don't you go outside and stop it!?
Go out there? You don't know what's happening outside.
Sure does sound like a murder to me.
I rolled my eyes, I really need to stop referring my thoughts as somebody else. I shut the window and made my way to the kitchen. I stopped and looked at my night desk, the paper's still there. Curiosity got the best of me and I decided to know what really happened.
slowly and cautiously, I walked over to the desk. I was about ready to flip the paper over when I was interrupted by yet another knock on the front door! That'll have to wait.
I flipped the paper over and what I saw made my mind cease all thoughts of reasoning.
The drawing...it actually did come to life! How? I shook my head at what I was seeing, I tried comprehending it's existence but nothing really made sense to me. Well, maybe it's just Pinkie being Pinkie. She looked scared though...hiding in the corner of the paper and what not.
Another wave of curiosity rushed through me and I resumed the episode I was watching. As Twilight was performing her spell to make all the other clones disappear back into the mirror pool, I noticed that one of them didn't disappear like the others.
Maybe her spell malfunctioned for a moment and caused one of the clones to become animated on this piece of paper I was holding. If that's the case, then this isn't the real Pinkie. I sighed a bit disappointed, but I had to make do with what I had.
Can she speak? Can she understand me? Can she get out of that paper?
A million questions must have rushed through me. Obviously she's scared for starters, but is she safe? She may be a clone but she has every other capability of emotion and personality like the real Pinkie does.
I set the paper down and she raced back to the side facing down. I instantly reacted by flipping it back over. She did the same thing.
She's scared of you idiot!
She isn't scared of me! She's probably afraid of what's outside the paper.
Please explain?
If she can see what is outside the paper, assuming that what's in the paper isn't an entire different world, then she must be afraid of seeing surroundings that aren't familiar to her.
Then why don't you find out?
What do you mean?
Two things: experiment, draw yourself on that piece of paper and see if you can enter the realm she's in, or just ask her if she's ok.
I'd rather go with the second suggestion, thank you for being reasonable for once like a normal human brain. I flipped the paper over slowly, trying my best not to scare her.
"...Are you ok?" I hesitated.
She shook her head and zoomed back to other side of paper. At least she can understand me.
"Can you talk?" I asked more confidently.
There wasn't a response. I flipped it over again and saw that her lips were moving, but no sound was coming out.
"I can't hear you," I told her.
Immediately her mouth stopped and her mane started to deflate, much slower than it happened in the show.
"No no no, hold on!" I didn't want her to go full out Pinkamena, so the alternative suggestion came up.
If I did draw myself on the paper, how would it look? I can't really draw me, perhaps I could draw what I thought I would look like me if I was in Equestria. I cringed at that, being cartoon looking doesn't make me really comfortable. Oh well, what else could I do?
I wanted to leave this world, but it seems that I have been given another opportunity to leave it without actually dying. What would happen if I did? Would I be able to go to Equestria from there, or would I be stuck in a world of nothingness with a Pinkie Pie clone?
Only one way to find that out. I was willing to leave Earth within a heart beat, so this might be the only way out besides suicide. Then it clicked to me.
There is hope after all! I'm saved! Oh the things I would offer to whoever made this possible! Twilight...I should thank Twilight. If this drawing turns out the way I hope it will, then I can finally leave this wretched place!
Nobody worries or cares about you. Hell, it would be at least a year before somebody would actually check up on the house. Actually, the owner of the complex said that he would take care of the bills, being an entrepreneur and what not, he had the money. How generous of him.
Oh, where to start!?
I leaned in to the paper, "Hold on, I'll be with you soon," I whispered.
Her mane sprang back up instantaneously. Oh the joy! She was bouncing around with so much happiness that I swear, for a single moment, I felt happiness come into my heart.
This moment didn't stop, however, as I continued to feel this...so called "being happy".
It was difficult for me to read lips, especially animated ones, but I could clearly tell when she said, "Please do! I'm sorry I failed my friends...I just couldn't stare at that paint any longer! I hope you'll be here soon! It would be nice if I could have someone here with me."
Oh I could relate to what she said way too much. I didn't fail my friends...I failed myself. I couldn't have a successful life here on Earth, why not try Equestria? Everyone there is so much nicer and just so much...relatable.
Yes, it would be nice to have someone here with me, I couldn't waste anymore time. I should draw myself holding this pencil just in case if it doesn't come with me when I come alive on the paper, if I ever do that is.
A chance for a new beginning! A once in a lifetime opportunity! I started drawing right away, trying to draw what I was wearing as well. Didn't wanna go there naked, now would you? Some people would, I held my laughter.
Every brony living on this Earth doesn't have this opportunity that I have, they would kill me without a second thought to be in the situation I'm currently in. I can almost feel their jealousy and envy.
This isn't a time for bragging, that wouldn't be mentally healthy. I told her to keep out of the way of my drawing and she obeyed. Quite surprised I was by how she responded. Although, she is a clone after all, not really the real Pinkie.
I finished the outline and started on drawing my face, trying to perfect every detail as if I was actually animated in the show. I have taken art classes in high school, so this was fairly easy to me. I checked the clock to make sure I had time. 2:00 AM? Of course I have time! I have all the time in the world!
My stomach growled before I could start drawing my hair. This isn't a time for food! Let me finish, would you?!
But you're so hungry!
I am not hungry! The only thing I'm hungry for is happiness!
I didn't notice that the TV was still running, I had already blocked out the noise of the rain. I turned off the TV and became instantly aware of the weather. It was raining harder than before. He did call for heavy showers, so I wasn't taken by surprise.
I went to the kitchen and took out the loaf of bread. I brought it with me when I sat down at my night desk to continue drawing. I opened the bag and started gouging down every piece of bread that was in there until my hunger was satisfied.
I burped from all the food that just went down to my stomach. I looked at the paper and saw that Pinkie was laughing, most likely at my burp. This caused me to laugh too, now I felt even more happiness come through me. I shook my head and focused back at the task at hand.
I finished up my hair and started drawing the pencil I was holding. That didn't take long, it was just a pencil, not much to it. Then I resumed drawing the rest of my attire. It was rather difficult, but it had to be done.
About fifteen minutes went by, spent by me checking over the drawing, correcting any mistakes I made.
It looks done to me.
Maybe it isn't, I'm not feeling anything.
Maybe it's an instant thing?
It could be, it happened in the blink of an eye like as it was portrayed in the show.
Didn't Twilight cast a spell on her?
At this realization, my heart sank to the bottomless pits of my stomach. I needed magic...that was what I was missing. My breathing became unsteady and my eyes widened in shock. I couldn't be with her, this chance was taken from me, ripped from my options leaving this world.
All that was left is...suicide.
Ah ha! You said it!
Shut up! Alright, I've had it with you! That's it! I give up!
Frustrated, I chucked the pencil at the television. It cracked the screen, but what did I care of it?
"...I'm s-sorry...but I can't come with you," my voice was stirred by my heavy breathing.
Pinkie must've not been listening, maybe I didn't say it loud enough for her to hear. I didn't care, I knew what had to happen next...
I stared at the objects on my bed, what shall I use to go through with this? Take the pills? Use the noose? Why not both?
I picked up the noose from inside the box, where would I put it? I had no ceiling fan or a ledge to hang off from. I pondered the possibilities for a while. Maybe I could hang off from the roof of the one story complex? Nah, it's too slippery out there. Besides, I want this to be as secretive as possible, I don't want anyone to know I was doing this.
I looked around blankly, imagining what it would look like to hang off from an object I glanced at. You know what? Who would be looking outside at two in the morning?
There was a tree in the backyard of the property, I could use that. Sure it might be slippery as hell from the rain, but it'll have to do.
I turned off the light on my desk, grabbed a couple of bottles, and made my way outside. I wasn't wearing any shoes, what did it matter? I was leaving this forsaken world anyways, so why bother with something so minor such as putting shoes on?
I closed the door behind me and the blast of rain suddenly hit me. It was definitely raining harder than before. I made a single step progression, step by slow step, to the tree I had in my view, the gust of the rain distorting how it looked. The grass was already muddy and my socks became drenched in rain and mud.
My clothes started to become heavy as it absorbed all the water that was hitting them. I guessed it took about five minutes just to get to the tree with my pace. I was there, looking at the branch I decided I was going to hang from.
I was literally staring death in the face.
I swung the noose over the branch and I stared at it as it hanged loosely off the branch. Luckily there wasn't a lot of wind so it didn't blow off. From my estimation, it must've been about fifteen to twenty feet high, perfectly ideal height to hang from.
I started climbing the tree, my grip slipping every now and then as I climbed up to my final place of living. I held on to the pill bottles with a tight clench, ensuring they didn't leave my grasp.
I made it to the branch, it was a fairly thick branch, looks like it could support my weight. I put the bottles in my pocket and started tying the noose on to the branch. It was difficult since it kept coming undone due to the rain that continued to strike me.
I tightened the knot and checked if it was hanging off correctly. Making sure that the knot wouldn't snap when I fell off the branch. I picked up the noose itself and put it around my neck. I took out one of the bottles and stared at it. My life was starting to play over in my imagination.
Every memory I had since my kindergarten years up until today. The very first friend I made, the first day I discovered My Little Pony, the first time I had been threatened for liking it, all playing on a continuous loop. I didn't cry, it felt like I was doing something right for once.
I slowly twisted the bottle cap open and stared at the pills inside. If this didn't kill me, the lynching would. I can already see the look on my co-workers faces when they find me dead. I hesitated for quite some time and the area around me started to become distorted.
My feet were falling asleep, my hand had become shaky, and my vision became blurry. This is it, this is your last moments alive, enjoy it while you can.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
WHAT?!
Can you do a flip?
I scrunched at the comment, even my own brain wants me dead. I was very appalled by this, might as well please myself for once, and the world.
I put my mouth on the opening of the bottle and threw my head back, chugging the pills down. I gagged a few times, I expected that. After the bottle looked empty, I tossed it as far as I could. I then proceeded this until every bottle I had brought with me was emptied.
My sense of balance became thrown off, good, positive signs here. I stood up and held on to the trunk of the tree as if this was the last thing keeping me alive, it was, but it wasn't.
My eyes started becoming heavy, it was hard to keep them open. I hesitantly put one foot out off the branch. I bent my knee, preparing to jump. As I unbent it, the pouring rain caused me to slip off the branch. My back hit the branch and the rest of my body followed the law of gravity. As my back hit the branch, I felt it snap, I wasn't dead, I believe I was paralyzed.
My eyes suddenly shut and the last image that popped up in the darkness of my closed eyes was Pinkie. Her and her great, heart-filling smile. The bright colors of her mane and coat, made me smile. This image quickly disappeared as I felt my neck bend and snap in a swift motion. It was finally over, I was dead.
Or so I thought.
Into the Mind of a Troubled Brony
Life and death sure do have their mysterious ways. With the hanging and pill overdosage, I was absolutely certain I was dead. I still felt alive however, I could hear myself breathing and feel my chest rise and lower. Did the rope break? Was the overdose not enough?
I couldn't feel anything more than my chest and the breaths I was taking. Was I still paralyzed? If I was, I wouldn't be able to feel anything at all. Perhaps this is what death feels like, a conscious sleep. This is literally resting in peace.
Peace...haven't used that word in a while. It was about time I was in peace. Nobody could bother me, or make fun of me, or hurt me, or treat me like I was just a piece of dirt underneath their shoe. For once, I was in tranquility, simple bliss. There wasn't much to it, because it was just breathing after all. I started to get confused because more of my senses were coming to.
My touch started coming back, I felt as if I were laying on a solid, dry material, maybe it was marble, it was hard to tell. This wasn't the muddy grass I walked in, that's for sure. I wasn't feeling any rain, it was possible that I went through a coma or something and the weather stopped. If that's the case, then somebody must've discovered me.
I couldn't open up my eyes, which was strange. Normally after a period of sleep, you'd be able to do that. I could start to feel like I was holding something, a small object. I couldn't move but I tried my best to determine what it was. It felt hard, but fragile, I could snap this thing in half if I wanted. It was like a smooth, polygonal stick. Is this the pencil I drew?
If that's what is true, then somehow, through death, I was able to be reincarnated in a sense, to this "me" I drew on the paper. I should be hearing Pinkie then, shouldn't I? Well
I wasn't, maybe she's about ready to scare me when I wake up, I hope not.
My heart started to race, there was a smile I felt that came across my face. I started to hear someone jumping and feminine laughter, my ears just weren't working yet. I knew spot on that was her, but sadly, she's still just a clone. No matter, she was enough to make me happy anyways.
My eyes started twitching, finally, I was about to see a new world, a world where I actually mattered. The jumping got close to me and ceased.
"Come on silly! Wake up already! I'm glad to see that you made it!" I heard her say.
I still couldn't move yet, is this a dream? No! It would suck if it was! My smile grew larger in response to her voice, she knew I was awake.
She nudged me, saying, "I know you're up, quit being lazy!"
I couldn't talk, I started coming up with reasons that this was taking so slow. Maybe my soul is taking its sweet old time moving to a new entity. Could I control where it went? I didn't care, it knew what I wanted and I was going to get it.
What about the magic you were missing? Death must've provided that, maybe life did, oh who cares? I was going to be happy anyways.
My eyes started fluttering open, it's about damn time. My vision was blurry at first, but it was enough. All I saw was a pink blotch that took up most of my field of view.
"Oh goody! So you are awake then!" I seen her smile.
My hands started to clench, I slowly sat up and shook my head to clear out my vision. I think my soul fully transferred itself over to this figure. Anticipated, I quickly looked around to see the world that the clone was in.
Wow...there wasn't anything here, it was just an endless, gray room. I looked up, the sky seemed to go on forever. What sucked was that I couldn't see what was outside of the paper, then I started to understand more of what this clone was going through.
Hearing a voice that you can't see the source of? That must've been as scary enough as it gets, but it's a cliché in horror films, so the concept of it didn't scare me. As for Pinkie, I don't know if they have scary movies in Equestria, but she was definitely in fear.
I looked at her only to see her quickly rush up to me and give me a hug, licking me on the cheek. As most animals, this was how they showed affection, but having human traits too, such as intelligence and language, that didn't seem to affect it.
"I thought I wasn't able to make it here, to be honest," I said, returning the hug.
"Oh who cares about that? You're here now and that's all that matters."
"True...say, now that we're here, do you know how to get back?"
She shrugged, "Sorry, if I knew anything about magic, we would already be home."
"Your home," I corrected.
"Stop being silly! It'll be yours too very soon!"
"I don't know," I paused, "Maybe we can't go back."
"Don't say that! You're just giving up too easily!"
"Maybe I am, but that's how it always is for me. From life experiences, I only expected the worse, and the worse always happened."
She let go of me, "Now that's thinking the wrong way, if you expected good things to happen, then good things will happen."
"You don't understand."
"I so do too!"
I sighed, "You see, I did expect good fortune, but it never came to me, so I stopped hoping on it."
"Hope? Good things don't come through hope! Ok...maybe some of the time, but that's missing the big picture!"
"Did you hope that you would pass Twilight's test?"
"Well, yeah...I did, but I tried my hardest, but yet here I am...a failure."
"See? Hope gets you nowhere. Listen, now that we're here, we won't be able to fail each other."
She sprang up and gave me another hug, "Yay!" she screamed.
I slightly blushed, "Ok ok...you can stop that now."
"Aww...sorry," she let go.
Now how would I get us out of here? If this pencil worked the same as it did on Earth, then it should work the same here, would it not? If so, what would I draw?
What about that mirror portal from the Equestria Girls movie?
Not a bad idea, seems legit.
Now from what I learned, in order to make it function like it did in the movie, I have to draw it almost exactly as it appeared. I stopped and wasn't aware that I started frowning.
"What's wrong?" Pinkie asked, tilting her head.
I didn't want to break it to her that I couldn't get us out of here. Wait a minute, you need magic dumbass! I facepalmed, I am for sure that we can't get out of here. Might as well make the best of this life.
"I...I can't," I looked down.
She looked away, "Oh..."
"But hey, look on the bright side, we still have each other, don't we?"
She nodded.
Hey buddy, wink wink.
Aw shit, my brain is back to make this more frustrating.
I said hey! Wink! Wink!
SHUT UP! You can zip your imaginary lips and let me, once, just once, live in sanity! Would you?!
Aw, but come on, you know you wanna.
No I don't wanna, that's disgusting!
But you and her are the only ones here, how's anyone going to find out?
Good point, but still, that's nasty. I won't start having a relationship, especially with somebody of a totally different species.
Why not start now?
I started blushing furiously.
"You ok?" Pinkie asked worriedly.
"Yeah yeah...I'll be ok."
"Oh, ok!" She started humming, walking around.
If we truly are stuck here, then what's the harm of d- no! No no no!
What about food?
My eyes grew large and I looked directly at my stomach. I didn't feel hungry, maybe what I ate came with me. What about Pinkie?
Oh no...no, this isn't good.
"Hey Pinkie?" I asked, shifting my gaze to her.
"Yeah?"
"Are you hungry, like at all?"
She stopped jumping around, "Umm...I am a little bit, why?"
"Need I point out to you that there is no food here?"
Her mouth gaped open, "You can't be serious!"
I gulped, "I am very serious...ok, before anything bad happens, let's make a vow that we do NOT eat each other, ok?"
I know human behavior, I couldn't keep this promise, but I had to comfort her in some way.
"Ok...hey! At least we won't die alone!"
"True...that's the last thing I wanted to do."
"Die alone? Nobody wants to die alone!"
"Obviously...but I had to."
"What do you mean? You're here, alive, aren't you?"
"Yes, but I had to die to get here."
"What are you talking about?"
I took a deep breath, "In order to be here with you, I had to die...alone."
"How'd you die?" I could hear the empathy in her tone.
"I'd rather not say..."
"Rather not say? Come on! We're the only ones here, how's anyone going to find out?"
"Alright fine...if you say so."
I paused, trying to figure out a subtle way to tell her.
She walked closer to me, I could tell that she cared. Someone...actually cares? Ain't that something?
"Come on...we're alone, you can tell me anything," she put her head on my shoulder comfortingly.
"I...I had to...I was desperate, ok?"
"Desperate for death? That's bologna, nobody's desperate for death."
"Maybe not in Equestria...but Earth is a totally different story."
"How so?"
"Desperation for death is common thing, we were made into the world and we're destroying it. People treat others so badly that they want to die. They let wars rage and chi-"
She interrupted me, "What's a war?"
"I can't exactly tell you what a war is, but I can tell you what it brings."
She nuzzled me, "Go on, I'm listening."
"Wars...they bring destruction, death, misery, sacrifices, turmoil, and worse of all...it kills hope."
"Hope for what?"
"A better world...a peaceful one."
Pinkie moved her eyes around, examining the aspects of this world, "This world seems pretty peaceful to me, don't you think?"
"Yeah...true, I could care less about Earth now that I'm here."
"What about Equestria?"
"Perhaps when we die, we will get to go there, maybe somewhere else. Where ever I go, I don't want to be alone."
"But you were never alone."
"I know an obvious lie when I see it, I was always alone."
"Physically you might be alone, but something or someone is always there to care about you."
I chuckled, "You mean my brain? Ha! That fucker was apart of the reason why I wanted to die!"
She flattened her ears, stumbling away.
"Oh...sorry...I didn't know what came to me, I'm upset, alright?"
She cautiously trotted back to me, "Upset, why?"
"My brain is its own separate being, you know? I don't have full control over what I think. Don't worry though, I rarely act on what my brain says to do."
"That's not that bad...is it?"
"It's horrible..."
She came up to me more confidently, embracing me in sympathy, "It's going to be alright..."
"It is now...I hope."
"Say, what's your name?"
Out of every comforting thing you could've said, that's what you had to ask?
"Why does it matter to you?"
"Well because, duh! I wanna know your name!"
"Well you aren't getting it out of me."
"Hmph! Guess I'll just have to name you myself, so now you're kind of like my pet!"
"Oh come on...I don't want to be somebody's pet."
"It's either you tell me your name or I make one up myself, which is it?"
I grunted, "Fine...make a name for me."
"What's so wrong about your real name?"
"There's nothing wrong with it, it just doesn't matter."
"Doesn't matter?! Are you crazy?!"
"Yes, maybe I am after all."
She blinked and started thinking of names, I could tell she was. Boy, let's wait and see what she comes up with.
"How about...no...maybe it could be...nah...lets see...uhh..." She was having trouble.
"Spit it out!" I yelled, somewhat annoyed already.
"Ok ok! geez, gimme a second!"
I rolled my eyes, at least I'm with someone I can slightly tolerate.
"How about Hope?"
I glanced at her, surprised, "Hope? Wonder where you got that from." I said sarcastically.
"Well...this whole ordeal is based upon hope, is it not?"
"Hope is sort of a girl's name."
"So what? No one will never find that out."
"You can't label me with something that died inside of me. Calling me Hope just isn't going to work."
"Well I'm calling you Hope wether you like it or not!"
"Fine fine, I can't control what you call me."
She was quite persistent on calling me Hope, I'm not sure what got into that pony, but I'm actually starting to like it.
She sat next to me, nuzzling me, "Sorry I interrupted you, please do continue."
"It's ok...now where was I? Oh yeah, they let children starve to death. Yeah, thankfully, some others try to help them, I thank them for that, but it just isn't enough. People are ridiculed and abused because of what they like, what they believe in, and how they live their lives. This continues on a day to day basis and I just wanted to get away from it all, you understand now?"
I could see the tears forming in her eyes, "I didn't mean to make you sad...but you wanted to know, so there you go," I told her.
She sniffled, "It's ok...good thing you're not there anymore, huh?"
"Yeah...but I still worry about them a little bit."
"Why worry? You don't have to deal with it."
"I don't, you're right, but what about the ones that have to? What about the ones that are afraid to live because today, this day, could be their last?"
She extended a foreleg around my neck and nuzzled me more, "Sorry what you had to go through..."
"No, don't be sorry. Be happy that I'm here."
"This sadness is only temporary, we can at least take the time to mourn for them, can't we?" I saw a tear go down her cheek.
"Yeah...you're right."
We spent what seemed to be an hour, crying in sadness and in happiness. Sad because of the lives that we're being wrongly used on Earth, happy because we were here, away from all of that. It was probably one of the most moving events I experienced, being on an emotional rollercoaster isn't very fun.
She started telling me stories of her life from Equestria, but wait, she's just a clone, how could she?
"Hey Pinkie, you know you're just a clone, right?"
"Oh come on, of course I'm not."
"But the episode...I know what happens, you passed her test and got to stay with her friends."
"I did? Well to be honest, I would've preferred to stay with my closest friends than be stuck here with you."
I didn't know how to respond to that, "But since I failed, I guess this will have to do, we could be the bestest of friends!" she said, hopping around joyfully.
I sighed in relief, "Pinkie...so you know, I'd rather be here than be back on Earth."
"All the more of a reason I should be happy why I'm here!"
I smirked, "Yeah...I guess so."
I heard her stomach growl, oh dear...
"Umm..." she said, moving her eyes around, terrified.
"I know...we're both going to die of starvation...but look on the bright side, where ever we end up after we die here, it could be Equestria."
She looked comforted already, "To make things safe, should we be as far as away from each other as possible?" she suggested.
"No! At least...not yet..." I immediately responded.
"Hey, you won't be dying alone this time." she assured me.
"But it'll still feel like it..."
"Like I said, you're truly never alone, are you? We can be the farthest distance apart but we will know that we're still here, so that way, we really won't be dying alone."
"Sounds acceptable to me...but I'll let you know that I'll last longer than you."
"Why's that?"
"I ate before I got here, I'm not sure how a pony's digestive system works, but a human can go at least three days without food. After that, it starts eating itself to conserve energy."
"Ew..." she cringed, "How do you know that?"
"Life experiences...and general human knowledge."
"Ok then...so I guess this is goodbye for now?"
I froze in fear, I'll be alone again...
But you really won't, she already told you that everything will be ok, wouldn't it?
Yeah...what's done is what has to be done to keep the promise.
"I'm afraid so..." I said, looking away from her.
"Hey," she turned my head back towards her, "Don't be afraid, ok? Just remember, you're never alone."
"I...um...fine..." I stammered.
She wasn't crying, she probably wasn't afraid of death like I was. Although why be afraid anymore? You already know what happens after death, so rest assured, we'll both be fine.
"Okie Dokie Lokie!" she said, hopping off.
Why isn't this troubling her like it is to me?
"Hey, wait!" I exclaimed.
She stopped and looked back, "Yeah?"
"I feel silly for asking this, but...how about one last hug?"
She rolled her eyes, "Duh! Silly me! What was I thinking?" she ran up and hugged me with so much joy, I didn't know what to feel at that moment.
I hugged back, how can she still be happy? Well...it's just Pinkie being Pinkie after all. I'll never know for sure if she's a clone or not. She doesn't claim to be but I believe she is, I know that I'm not right, I can't be sure of that.
Our embrace lasted quite a while, I could feel time slowing down, as if it knew what was going on.
She let go, "What ever happens, I'll try my best not to forget you, ok?"
"Comforting words, yes...but if we end up in the same place, what then?"
"Then I get to introduce you to all my friends!"
"That sounds...nice...you know, I'm envious of you."
"Huh? Why?"
"Because I never got to have friends like yours, I never had someone that cared about me as much as you are right now."
"Aww..." she nuzzled me, "Hey, that's one thing to look forward to!"
"It is..." I blushed slightly, already imagining my life in Equestria.
"Hey, hopefully I'll see you soon, ok?"
"Yeah...sure..." I was too busy with my imagination.
"See ya Hope! It was great knowing you! If we get to see each other again, that'd be so great!" she gasped and started walking away, "I have to throw a party for him when we get there! I have to get food and guests and decorations and this is gonna be so much fun! I can't wait to see h-" her voice started trailing off.
I got up and started walking in the opposite direction, positive thoughts, don't stop me now. I was too distracted by how my life was going to be there, assuming that my soul would transfer there. I didn't let any other possibility pass through my thoughts, last thing I needed was negativity.
How was it going to be there? Who will I be? Will I literally be reincarnated as a colt or a filly? Would I show up in my human form? I hope I would. Will Equestria be like how it is perceived to be in the show? If that's true, then thank you God. Not once did I think on looking back to her, the past is the past and I should stop worrying about it so damn much. I can look forward to so many other positive things in life that my previous life became pretty much useless at this point.
Would I even have my memories from Earth and here? That'd be great. If not, oh well, I'd be in Equestria and that's the only place I want to be in. Then it happened, other possibilities started drifting through. What if you don't go there? What if your soul is completely annihilated? Sent to oblivion forever? I started shaking in disbelief, I don't want to go there! I want to keep existing and thrive on a new life which is possible for me to have! I want to do something that I never, not once, got a chance to do! To live a happy life!
I got excited about this and I started to run to make the starvation process occur much faster. Yeah, I would have to suffer just a little bit more, but think of the reward! The reward for waiting this long to go somewhere worth living for! Every brony's paradise!
My run starting turning into a sprint, it wasn't long before I got tuckered out. I sat down and looked dead ahead. There's the way to a happy life, just keep moving forward and deal with whatever comes your way. If it means death to be in a utopia then so be it! I got back up and started running again, I was actually going somewhere.
Somewhere where I belonged.