The Only Element He Needsby Flint SparksChaptersHell Is Other Jerks.The Power Is Yours!Lock and Load, Baby!Enter the Elements.Return of the Pony.Hell Is Other Jerks."In the beginning there was nothing... and then there was Chuck Norris." ”Full… house…” the robed figure whispered through his vaporous hood. His skeletal hands dropped his playing cards onto the table, revealing three kings and two queens. He clasped his hands and leaned back onto his chair, staring past the poker table to his two companions. Two men stared back at him: a black-haired man with a porcelain complexion and a scowl that could kill, and a brawny, bearded man who hadn’t even flinched at his deathly opponent’s declaration despite being all in. The black-haired man ran his hand through his head of hair, revealing elven ears. He threw his cards on the table: three jacks, an ace, and a joker . “You win this time, Death.” Death nodded and leaned forward, wrapping his skeletal arms around the stack of chips. Slam! Death froze, a dagger piercing the table just between his radius and ulna and leaving his arm pinned. He looked up, his vaporous soul orbs staring from his hood. The bearded man looked up from his slouched posture and glared at Death. He threw his cards on the table. “Straight Flush,” the man said, “Royal Straight Flush.” He lifted his knife and allowed Death to move back to his seat. Death sighed and slammed his fist on the table, burning it with soul fire. “Damn it, Norris. Someday, I’ll win. I got Bruce, and someday I’ll get you.” Chuck Norris scoffed. “I died thirty years ago, and you’re still too afraid to tell me.” Death looked away. “I-I’m sorry…” “What was that? I don’t think I heard you right,” Chuck Norris said, clenching his fist with a deafening crack that echoed through the flaming halls of hell. Death raised his hands in instinctual defense. “I-I’m s-sorry, senpai!” Chuck Norris leaned back into his seat, pulling the pot into his stash of chips. “Atta girl, I knew you could do it.” Death wished he could correct him, but even he knew that he was no match for Chuck Norris. Nobody was any match for him. Lucifer stood up from the table and saluted the divine men. “I think I’m going to cash in before I go broke. Good day, gentleman.” He turned around, taking his fedora off the clothing rack and placing it on his head before turning to the tunnel of Tartarus. He stepped into the tunnel, but froze when Death coughed. He turned around to see Death jerking his head toward Chuck Norris. Lucifer facepalmed and sat back at the table. “Back for seconds already?” Chuck Norris jabbed, whittling a rock into a figure with his hunting knife. “Or are you ready for—” “Mister Norris, we need your help! It’s why we invited you over,” Lucifer blurted out, his knuckles white as he gripped the table. “We have no other choice than to turn to you, trust me. You’re the only one who can help us.” Lucifer leaned his elbows on the table and held his face with his hands. “Please, help us.” Chuck Norris grimaced, finding the sight of his friend to be off putting. It was one thing to see Lucifer throwing a hissy fit about his daddy issues, but another to see him truly upset. As badass as he was, Chuck Norris hated the sight of his friends in distress. It meant someone needed a good ol’ roundhouse kick. With that in mind, Chuck Norris leaned to the side and nodded. “What do you need?” Death raised his skeletal palm and conjured a gaseous orb, creating an image akin to a crystal ball. Inside showed bright colors and laughter. He beckoned Chuck Norris closer, revealing the tiny colors to be sapient equines. “Mister Norris, this land you see is Equestria, and it is currently in turmoil.” Chuck Norris reared back and glared at Lucifer. “I knew you were into that silly cartoon, with all the shirts and merchandise you keep buying, but are you seriously trying to get me into your hobby?” Lucifer blushed and shook his head, waving at Death to continue. “You see, this is the multiverse,” Death said, waving his other hand over the orb to create a network of lines inside a vast orb. Each line connected to each other at a single point, never merging or splitting paths. Each one was a different color, and pulsed with strange energy. Death continued. “Or, at least how it should be.” Death waved his hand again, and one of the lines began to surge with power. The line convulsed and became an angry red as it split into seven different lines, connected only at the base. “This is how the multiverse is now. One universe has become split and its boundaries are waning, meaning—” “That if someone doesn’t take care of it, the walls of the multiverse will collapse and all hell breaks loose?” Chuck Norris guessed, picking his teeth with his knife. Lucifer and Death stared at him, bemused. Chuck Norris shrugged. “No pun intended.” Death shook his head. “No, much worse. And this concerns all the Powers That Be. Even the Great One has given permission for Lucifer and me to intervene, even if it breaks the balance.” Chuck Norris whistled. “That bad, huh?” The two figures nodded. “You see, this world faces a fate worse than him,” Lucifer said, reaching over and placing his fingers on the base of the universe’s knot. He pinched it, and the threads split away, floating in space and falling to the base of the orb. “If the world continues to split as it does now, the universe will be cut away from the rest. No destiny, no fate, no afterlife. The universe will die.” Chuck Norris nodded in understanding, allowing the words to sink in. He waved and pointed his knife at his friends. “So why do you guys care? Isn’t this more of a heaven deal?” Lucifer jabbed his thumb toward the tunnel behind him. “Unfortunately, the only existing entrance to that realm that hasn’t been erased thanks to this incident is the tunnel of Tartarus. It branches out to a few, but it’s the main way into Equestria. Which means it’s my business, as well as Death’s. If billions of souls just vanish in the multiverse, we’ll all feel the sting. Even you.” “Very well,” Chuck Norris said. “But tell me, what exactly is causing this and why do you need me to fix it?” Death twiddled his thumbs. “You see… there are some divergent ‘ponies’ in the universe that caused it to split when they were, well, given power. We call them the “Seventh Elements” for they have forsaken and copied the Elements of Harmony that protect Equestria. I hate to say this, Mister Norris, but… their power rivals yours. That’s why the universe is breaking apart. It’s too much for the multiverse to handle.” Click click! Chuck Norris cocked his handgun and holstered it. He adjust his weapon strap, securing the dual SMGs to his waist. He saluted to his friends and began strolling to the tunnel of Tartarus. He turned his head back one last time and winked. “Tell Brucey I said hi, alright? I’ll be back before supper.” He faced the tunnel, a vast snake of darkness and void, and leaped in. The Power Is Yours!”Home is where the heart is.” Fifteen minutes in Equestria was enough for him to get his bounds. Armed with binoculars and hiding in the canopy of the Everfree Forest, he scouted out the village before him. Colorful equines littered the streets, walking and chatting as their day went on, blissfully unaware of the deity that had climbed into their land. “Heh, they’re kinda cute,” Chuck Norris muttered to himself. “No wonder he likes them so much. Even the devil’s heart would melt.” He drew a mental map, scoping out each dark alley, building, and hiding spot in the vicinity. Once he had the town layout engraved in his mind, he jumped out of the tree and onto the ground, landing with a roll to reduce impact. He stood up and brushed himself off, then strolled toward the village. The grass behind him rustled. Chuck Norris froze, slowly reaching to his holster… The animal roared and leaped from the brush just as Chuck Norris whipped around with his hunting knife. The timberwolf landed into Chuck Norris’s grappling arms, and fell limp to the ground. Chuck Norris kneeled down, taking his knife out from the timberwolf’s chest and paying respect to the fallen beast. Time to move on. Chuck Norris stood up and turned back to town. He took three steps, paused, and then threw his knife behind him. The rising timberwolf yelped and turned tail. Chuck Norris chuckled and retrieved his fallen knife. Gets ‘em every time. A few moments later, he leaned against the last tree at the outskirts of town. He had a plan for this mission: infiltrate, identify, eliminate. One way or another, he was going to save these ponies from the actions of some mysterious force. All he would have to do is depower a few overpowered ponies, no biggie. If push came to roundhouse kick, he would have to put down a few of them. Again, no big deal for Chuck Norris. No ponies in sight, Chuck Norris thought as he leaned out from behind the tree. He grinned and tipped his Stetson. Go time. He sprinted across the field separating the forest from the nearest building and leaped into a dive. He rolled behind the nearest dumpster, landed on his feet, and pressed his back against the cold metal. He was silent. He was deadly. He was more than any ninja could hope to be. He was invisible. Undetectable. Unstoppa— “Hello mister monkey, what are you doing here?” a female voice cooed from beside him. Chuck Norris jolted and turned to the side, meeting eye-to-eye a pink-maned pony with—Wings? Chuck Norris shrugged it off, deciding that it was nowhere near as odd as having Poker Night with Death and the Devil every week. However, his mind whirred on his dealing with this pony. Somehow she had transcended normal mortal perception and detected him. He had multiple options to deal with her: stranglehold, silver-tongue, dumping the body in the river, or having s—on second thought, Chuck Norris decided that even if every woman (and man) wanted him, he still had standards. “I’m not a monkey,” Chuck Norris said, kneeling down to pat the pony on her head. “I’m a human being, and my name is Chuck. Chuck Norris.” The pony blinked at him and smiled, closing her eyes and bearing her pearly whites. “Hello Mister Norris, I’m Fluttershy!” Her adorable wavelengths radiated into the atmosphere, but it wasn’t even close to faltering Chuck Norris. He waited for her to pant and roll her tongue out as he scratched behind her ears, the perfect moment. Once he began attacking both ears, driving the mare wild into euphoria, he leaned forward to hug her. And squeezed. Hard. He dragged the limp body behind the dumpster and laid her body properly as to not give her discomfort during her awakening. Like a little nap. Sweet dreams, pretty pony. He dive-rolled across the alleyway to the trashcan, hiding behind it as a few chattering ponies walked by. He dive-rolled again to the opposite wall, stood up and began sidestepping to the corner. Chuck Norris peeked around the corner, calculating the distance to the nearest door and the trajectory of oncoming ponies. Chuck Norris waited approximately twenty seconds for a nearby foal and his mother to walk by. The foal was eating an ice cream cone, enjoying the dairy goodness and sugar with enthusiastic licking. Chuck Norris, utilizing trigonometry and rocket science, gauged the wind speed, distance, angle, and other factors before drawing out his silenced Colt .45. Zip! The bullet whizzed through the air, striking the ice cream and knocking it down. Just as Chuck Norris predicted, the colt began wailing and calling attention from the masses. Chuck Norris crouched and began creeping past the corner as the ponies were distracted, sneaking into the building nearby. His eyes were immediately assaulted by blinding lights and glinting gems. Cupping his forehead with his open hand, he allowed his eyes to adjust to the—Fashion store. Of course it had to be fashion. This place has everything. No wonder Lucifer loves this place so much. Strutting through the interior, he took note of the scribbles on the wall. With his Chuck Norris Infrared Vision™, eldritch glowing runes glowed on the walls to reveal the den of the anomaly he was hunting. Soon, this tangent universe would collapse and the multiverse would be one step closer to healing. Something murmured. Chuck Norris’s senses fired up as he crept, light-footed and silent, to the curtain of a dressing room. His hand, shaking with concentration, grasped the edge of the curtain and tore it open. “My word, you uncouth brute! Don’t you know how to knock!” the mare (who Chuck Norris recalled Lucifer identifying as Rarity, the devil’s favorite pony) cried as she clutched the stallion on top of her. The stallion, unaware of Chuck Norris, continued to nibble on Rarity’s ear and whisper sweet nothings. “Sorry, my lady,” Chuck Norris said, tipping his stetson. “Better I knock him out before he knocks you up.” His words confused her, causing Rarity to grimace. Just as she opened her jaw to speak, Chuck Norris grabbed the nape of her lover’s neck, flexed his Olympian muscles, and tossed the stallion across Carousel Boutique. The stallion yelped, stood up, and shook his head before glaring at Chuck Norris. “Who are you? What do you want? Do you know who I am?” The stallion, a blue earth pony with a red mane, huffed and pawed the ground in anger. Chuck Norris chuckled and tipped his hat. “I can only guess, but I know you’re just going to tell me anyway.” “I’m Ominous Occurrence! The Seventh Element of Love! And sexiest stallion alive!” The stallion ran his hoof through his mane, causing Rarity to moan and coo from her position. Chuck Norris rolled his eyes. Pft. Amateur. What kind of Element is Heart anyway? He placed his hands on his waist and proceeded to flex his pectorals like the Olympian beast he was. No lady could resist the Norris. Except this one. Rarity ignored him and began to applaud Ominous Occurrence as he proceeded to flex his forelegs, showing off incredibly pathetic muscles. Chuck Norris rolled his eyes. Yeah, this one is definitely going. Deciding to end it quick, he unholstered his Colt .45 and aimed at the jeweled necklace the stallion bore. With his incredible accuracy, he fired the gun. Then the unthinkable happened. Time appeared to slow down as Chuck Norris’s senses fired up. The bullet rippled through the air as the stallion dived to the side, narrowly dodging the bullet. Chuck Norris holstered the weapon as the stallion glared at him, shocked that the universe had denied him so. How is that possible? I’m Chuck Norris! “Fool! You can’t beat me!” the stallion stuck his tongue out. “I’m unbeatable! I’m love itself! All the mares love me ‘cause I’m so—” Chuck Norris interrupted his boasting with a swift roundhouse to kick to the face, sending the stallion flying out the door. Chuck Norris adjusted his hat, tipped it toward Rarity, and strutted out of her boutique with swagger appropriate for the most powerful being in the multiverse. Stepping out the door, he looked down the street. Apparently he had kicked the stallion across town onto the marketplace a few blocks away. Chuck Norris stroked his chin. I’ve already been spotted… no point in using stealth now. Besides, these ponies hardly pack a punch. Without further ado, Chuck Norris strolled down the street, ignoring the whispers and stares of the ponies. Their instincts undoubtedly screamed to run, or to appear as harmless as possible to avoid provoking the predator before them. They watched as Chuck Norris walked to Ominous Occurrence. They watched as Chuck Norris tore the necklace off the screaming Ominous Occurrence. “You won’t get away with this…” Ominous Occurrence gasped as Chuck Norris placed his boot on his neck, preventing him from rising. Chuck Norris clicked his tongue and wagged his finger. “Silly pony,” Chuck Norris teased, “don’t you know that baddies never win in cartoons?” Ominous Occurrence scowled. “You’ll pay for—” “GET AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND!” a familiar female voice called. Ominous Occurrence grinned as Chuck Norris flinched at the sight of Fluttershy diving toward him. Oh great, not again. Chuck Norris prepared to intercept her tackle and choke her again, but she merely leapt and clung to his arm. Fluttershy nuzzled him; Ominous Occurrence and Chuck Norris exchanged bemused glances. Chuck Norris grit his teeth. Well, time to end this. Using his free arm, he brought the fake Element to his face. Staring at the gold and embedded jewel, he closed his fist. Slowly, but surely, the jewelry began to crack. The ruby snapped in half, and his environment dissolved. ”Welcome back, that was quite fast indeed. You were almost as flee—” Zip! A bullet blew through Death’s hood, splitting the fabric of shadows and revealing Death’s skull. Death gulped as the shadows restitched, returning to his card game as Chuck Norris sat down. Chuck Norris grabbed a beer and took a swig, smacked his lips and wiped them off. “Sorry Death, but I’m not really into the jokes right now,” Chuck Norris said as he set the bottle down. He nodded toward Lucifer, acknowledging his friend’s presence. “Anyway, I got this. Maybe this will shed some light on this mystery.” He tossed the necklace to the middle of the table, allowing Death and Lucifer to examine it. Lucifer hummed and stroked his chin. “This seems… familiar. I just can’t put my finger on it.” The necklace was a gold band like the real Elements of Harmony, but the symbol was a red heart. A cracked heart, thanks to Chuck Norris’s intervention. Like a cracked ruby, but sparkling with a strange light inside. Lucifer leaned in close and poked the ruby, conjuring a spark on his fingers at contact. “Ah, just as I thought. Dragonfire.” “What does that mean?” Chuck Norris said, kicking his feet onto the table. “Does it have anything to do with why when I crushed the thing, everything just… disappeared?” ”That was the scar of the universe healing, Mister Norris,” Death said, reaching for his own beer. He chugged the bottle, soaking his robe in beverage through his hollow rib cage. He set it down and lowered his head toward Chuck Norris. ”Do you understand what you’re up against, Mister Norris?” Chuck Norris wanted to boast, to say how easily he defeated his pathetic opponent, but something else tugged at his mind. He leaned onto the table and said, “That was the weakest one, wasn’t it? There are stronger ones, aren’t there?” Lucifer nodded. “Yes, the one you faced was mediocre at best. Even I could take him on. However, the rest are…” ”Out of our league, suffice to say,” Death finished for him, placing a skeletal hand onto Lucifer’s. He turned to Chuck Norris and bowed again. ”Please, Mister Norris. This is a crisis, and we must save the little ponies! It will be dangerous, even for you, but you are the only in the multiverse who is capable! Will you risk your body and soul to save the lives and souls of countless innocents? Chuck Norris lowered his head for a moment, pondering his options. The way things had set up, the Seventh Elements had screwed up their own universes and would die quietly if left to their own devices, meaning he could simply walk away and pay them no heed. Nothing here affected him, or the multiverse as a whole. It was outside his jurisdiction, and not his duty to even give them a second glance. His mind made up, Chuck Norris stood up and placed his Colt .45 onto the table. He looked up at the two hellish lords and nodded. “I’ll do it. You have my word.” ”We are in your debt. Lucifer wiped away a single tear from his eye. “Thank you. Thank you so much.” Lock and Load, Baby!"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..." Chuck Norris opened the gun cabinet next to Lucifer’s wardrobe, taking down random weapons and strapping them to his chest, back, and waist. Retrieving a few knives and pistols, he slipped them in his boot and denim vest. He patted himself down, smoothing all the wrinkles in his jeans and hiding the creases of his weapons. Death floated over and stared at Chuck Norris’s getup. ”I see. You’re preparing for the worst, aren’t you?” Death reached into the cabinet for the tranquilizer rifle and handed it to Chuck Norris. ”Please take this one too. It is rather unpleasant whenever I must touch their world with my presence, and I wish to minimize my corruption on their world.” “Wait a minute,” Chuck Norris said, taking the rifle from Death. “You’re not a corruption. You sure as hell aren’t taking me, but you aren’t a corruption.” Chuck Norris placed a hand on Death’s shoulder and gave the bone a squeeze. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, friend.” Death sighed, exhaling cold wind past his vaporous hood. ”I suppose you’re right, but the land of Equestria is inhabited by innocent ponies. Innocence that rarely brushes with the harsh truth of me. They are long-lived, loving, and only see the death of a loved one in the rarest of circumstances. Please, Mister Norris, let them live free and unburdened. It is the last haven for innocence, and I would give anything to keep it that way.” Chuck Norris nodded. “Right. I’ll try to keep it, er, clean then. Only my marks, got it.” Lucifer looked up from the poker table, adjusting his visor. “So, Mister Norris, what are you going to do now? We might not have much time.” “Well, Lucifer, I don’t need much time,” Chuck Norris said with a grin as he cocked his shotgun. “Only time for a… montage.” Lucifer and Death gasped as generic theme music played in the background. “Time to lock and load.” “Fight me like a real stallion, you cowardly rogue!” the heavily armored stallion roared, brandishing his broadsword with his magic. “I shall defeat you in combat like many a monster I have slain, and then I shall take another mare as my bride to celebrate my victory!” Chuck Norris hid behind the market stall, panting for breath. H-how is this possible? His armor is immune to my roundhouse kicks! Chuck Norris held up his Colt .45 and reloaded it, dropping the clip onto the ground. Bulletproof, unkickable… there’s only one possible solution to this puzzle. Just got to wait for it... “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” the stallion jeered as he paced around the marketplace, decimating stalls and carts with a swipe of his broadsword. “Or are you just some weak and helpless filly?” Chuck Norris bit his tongue, clenched his fists, resisting the urge to lash out and give away his position. Nobody uses sexism as an insult! “Oh, but he ISN’T weak and helpless!” a familiar voice called through the air. Chuck Norris looked up in the air as Fluttershy dove from the skies, tackling the armored stallion. Without any hint of injury, the armored stallion wrestled with Fluttershy, receiving the upper hand with brute strength and weight. Chuck Norris reached for his boot and prepared to—Chuck Norris leaped. He dove to the side, into his shoulder, as he reached out and aimed with both handguns. With precision timing and accuracy, he fired four bullets at the stallion’s shoulder. The stallion, holding onto Fluttershy in a choke grip, exposed a gap in his shoulder piece with his forelegs bent. Chuck Norris slid behind the next stall just after he confirmed that he had, indeed, fired the bullet and wedged it just inside the gap. Chuck Norris rolled onto his feet, holstered his guns, and whipped out his hunter knife. Before the stallion could recover from Fluttershy’s assault and Chuck Norris’s fire, Chuck Norris bolted from his cover and sprinted toward the armored stallion. Time slowed down as Chuck Norris approached the speed of light. Using his precise muscle movements and calculations, Chuck Norris dislodged Fluttershy from the stallion, took the stallion in his own arms, and kicked off the ground into a full tackle. “Fool!” the stallion growled under Chuck Norris, slightly winded. “I am the Element of Honor itself! You cannot defeat me with such underhanded tactics!” Chuck Norris chuckled as he adjusted his knife in the armor’s gap. “I think I already have.” Hitting the sweet spot with his knife, the armor loosened and fell apart from the shoulder, exposing the stallion. Before the stallion could even whine about his defeat, Chuck Norris stuck his hand inside like a child searching the toy box. He felt for the necklace, took it in his fist, and crushed it into smithereens. The stallion wept as the scene dissolved to the next… Chuck Norris surfed the lava wave on a board made of rock, holding onto a pony for her dear lives. Fluttershy screamed and covered her eyes, unable to comprehend the sight of her “friend,” the “Element” of Chaos, diverting from the path of light to combat Chuck Norris. All of Ponyville had turned into a volcanic field. Each and every pony was caged in frozen magma, not even something Chuck Norris could make sense of, but the chaos stallion did it anyway. Making sense was probably not his thing. The pegasus stallion floated above the village, branding his razor sharp claws. “Muahaha! Daddy Discord will be pleased indeed! Prepare to face my wra—” “Stuff a sock in it,” Chuck Norris said as he jumped off a wave and kicked his board ahead. The boulder struck the stallion in the chest, instantly shattering his fake element. Fluttershy cheered for her hero. “W-why? I was the hero…” the stallion cried as he searched the ground for his broken glasses. Chuck Norris kneeled down and picked up the fallen necklace. He paused to detach Fluttershy from his arm before standing up. “You were a bully, Poindexter.” Chuck Norris crossed his arms, resisting the urge to roundhouse kick this one in face. Again. “Element of Nitrogen? Please. You were just full of hot air. You used your intelligence just to get close to Twilight, bully all the jocks, and build a capitalist empire for yourself. You could have used your smarts for goodwill, but you were selfish and a bully. Good riddance.” Chuck Norris spat on the ground, ignoring his slight hypocrisy with cancer. He threw the Element of Nitrogen on the ground, aimed his Colt .45 down at it, and pulled the trigger. Chuck Norris jumped into the air, twisted his torso, and caught the plate of spaghetti with his teeth. As he began descending in the air, he finished his 360 spin, pulled out his dual SMGs, and fired at the fedora-wearing unicorn. Each of his bullets hit the necklace dead center, shattering the fake Element and dissolving the fake universe. Fluttershy, clinging to his leg, cheered for her victorious champion. “You are no match for me! I have power over the Element of Time!” the crazed stallion shrieked as the air rippled around him. Chuck Norris pushed himself off the ground, knocked down by the stallion’s kick. Even a kick at the speed of light was enough to wind Chuck Norris, a fact that worried him. They’re getting stronger. But I still have to beat them! Chuck Norris wrapped his arms around Fluttershy and rolled just as the stallion fired a bolt of energy at them. Chuck Norris released Fluttershy mid-roll, allowing him space from the unconscious mare. He looked up to see the stallion trotting toward him, cackling with each step. “You truly thought you could defeat me when I have dominion over the most powerful force in the world?” the black and gray stallion scoffed. “For a moment, I thought you had a bra—” “Hey tool,” Chuck Norris grunted as he placed his fists on the ground. He looked at the stallion and narrowed his eyes. The stallion narrowed his eyes and fired up his horn, slowing time to a crawl. Chuck Norris grinned and said, “You're forgetting Time’s brother!” The stallion cocked his head as Chuck Norris’s muscles flexed in slow motion. “What brother?” Despite the limits of speed imposed on him, Chuck Norris managed to shout, “Gravity!” Chuck Norris, utilizing the speed of light to combat the time slow, pushed the earth down. His immense strength caused the planet to shift under the Element of Time, causing the stallion to sink in slow motion as if he was drowning in a lake. He flailed his forelegs, but could not sink in time as Chuck Norris sprinted faster than light. A swift roundhouse kick to the chest ended the time lock, and dissolved the realm. Chuck Norris’s quest was almost over. Enter the Elements."You get the greatest glimpse of heaven on the way down to hell..." Chuck Norris strutted from the tunnel of Tartarus, deciding a much needed rest was in order. He had one last Element to destroy, and wanted to do it on his own terms. Death and Lucifer were still playing poker, and not a single chip of Chuck Norris’s had been touched. Good. “How goes your quest?” Lucifer asked as he threw down his three of a kind, beating Death’s two pair. He waited for Chuck Norris to seat himself and grab a beer. “Is the universe and my little ponies safe?” Chugging his drink, Chuck Norris’s mind turned to the multitude of ponies he had fought. He set the beer down and wiped his moist lips. “Yeah, almost. Just got one last Element to destroy, then we’re good. But Jesus—no offense.” Chuck Norris waved to the ceiling as thunder boomed in the distance. “These ponies are tough. I mean, they’re no match for me, but they’re definitely unnatural. Any idea what, or who, is behind this?” Lucifer tapped the table with his bony fingers, his brow sweating. “I… I think I have an idea, but I can’t confirm it quite yet.” He looked up to Chuck Norris and ran his hand through his dark hair. “It might be an old rival of yours, but I can’t be sure. But if he’s still in Equestria, he’ll be in this one.” “What makes you think that?” Chuck Norris asked, taking a sip of his beer. Death threw in the big blind for the next poker game before speaking. ”You see, Mister Norris, you have been dissipating tangent universes. Each time you destroy the malefic keystone, the original universe absorbs what has been lost. That is how the universe heals,” Death explained drawing his cards and examining them. ”It would certainly explain Fluttershy’s… infatuation.” “Yeah, it does,” Chuck Norris said. He kicked his feet on the table, to Death and Lucifer’s chagrin, and sipped his beer. “As soon as I finish this bottle, I’m going to finish the job.” Death and Lucifer exchanged worried looks. Lucifer jerked his hands, and Death shrugged. Mental communication ensued, until they nodded and came to a consensus. “Mister Norris,” Lucifer said, leaning onto his poker table. “Perhaps you might want… backup?” Chuck Norris’s eyes shot open and spat out his beer, coughing. His lungs cleared, allowing his coughs to turn into laughs. He slapped his knee and returned his feet to the floor, continuing his jolly laughter. He wiped a tear from his eye and looked up to his friends. “You? Back me up? If I can’t handle it, who says you will? I’m Chuck Norris! The boogeyman checks his closet for me!” Chuck Norris chuckled and stood up from the table. He waved to his friends and turned back to the tunnel. “Later, guys. Thanks for the laugh.” Chuck Norris jumped in. Death and Lucifer grimaced at each other. Lucifer shook his head. “I know we wouldn’t make much of a difference, but he has no idea, does he?” ”No, I’m afraid not,” Death rasped, tapping a skeletal finger on his skull’s chin. ”But… there might be a way we can help.” “Is he gone yet?” a voice called from behind them. The two lords turned to see the boogeyman poking his head out from Lucifer’s closet, blushing and waving. Chuck Norris walked through the village, scratching his beard and holstering his weapons. He walked down the path, down the village streets, but not a single pony was in sight. The buildings were desolate and worn down by the elements, as if nopony had lived in them for ages. A tumbleweed blew past as Chuck Norris noticed Carousel Boutique’s windows were cracked and full of cobwebs. It was like the Wild West. Strange, it feels like… home, Chuck Norris thought as he strolled past an empty bakery, home of the Cakes and a Pie. Faint, stale scents of pastries wafted through the air, tickling his senses. He passed by an empty school, empty homes, an empty marketplace. Having passed by all these locations at least six times before left him… wary. Then the library loomed before him No. No, that can’t be right. Not at all. Chuck Norris dropped to his knees, slack-jawed. The multiverse’s greatest hero sat there, his mind attempting to process the sight before him. Grief clawed at his heart, threatening to tear out his lifeblood and soul. He fell over and caught himself with his palms, panting. Did I do this? Is this the result of my actions? Is this my fault? Chuck Norris looked up from his position, his sight turning blurry from the tears flowing down his cheeks. No, I can’t cry. I NEVER cry! The library before him was nothing more than a stump and ashes. Ponyville hadn’t been abandoned. It had been razed. Chuck Norris climbed to his feet, drained of his godly vitality, and stumbled forth. He passed by the town, noticing what he had missed before. Windows had been boarded shut, and broken by weapons and fire. He passed through the town, taking note of all the damage that had been caused indirectly by the blood on his hands, and stumbled to the outskirts of town. Fluttershy’s cottage was nothing but rubble. Chuck Norris kneeled down and sifted through it, but couldn’t find the body. Maybe she’s okay. Yeah, she’s just fine. Death would have told me if… Chuck Norris shook his head, not daring to finish the thought. He continued on his way, searching through the village for any life. He walked down a dirt path, passing by broken trees and rotten apples, and came to half a barn. Charred wood and rubble revealed it to be a lightning strike. Chuck Norris clenched his fists, wholly aware of pegasi and the weather. Someone… someone is going to pay. Chuck Norris growled and threw his head back. “You hear me! I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS!” His shout reverberated through the earth and heavens, shaking all of Equestria in a massive earthquake. Chuck Norris’s vision turned red as his veins ran with fire, snorting steam and stomping through the town’s wreckage. He was going to find who was responsible. And kill him. He ducked into a sprint, using every scent on his hunt. He jogged to Canterlot, following his sense of smell to the highest concentration of magic. He searched through marble wreckage, through the shattered castle halls, searching and searching for any life. The only thing he found that wasn’t completely destroyed was train, which was promptly hijacked. Chuck Norris rode the train, figuring it would lead to all notable, concentrated living places of ponies. He visited Appleloosa. Nothing. He climbed a rainbow to explore Cloudsdale. Nothing. He searched the Crystal Empire. Other than a crystal heart that radiated powerful magic, nothing. Chuck Norris finally stopped the train, weary. Having traveled all across Equestria, and coming up with nothing, he had grown tired. He sighed and stepped off the train, stretched his back, and then stared into the heart of the forest behind him. The Everfree Forest: the last, free, unexplored land. The last of the wild land, Chuck Norris thought, biting his lip in deep thought. How fitting. Chuck Norris broke into a light jog into the forest, passing by trees and moss. No animals stalked him, no birds sang, not a single living thing permeated the forest air. It was quiet. Too quiet. Slowing down to a casual walk, Chuck Norris came to a cavern bridge before a castle. An odd magic radiated from the castle walls, bringing a grimace to Chuck Norris’s face. He spat on the ground and stepped onto the bridge, sure that he had found what he was looking for. Snap! Quick as a jackrabbit, Chuck Norris sprinted across the bridge as each step broke in half. A mysterious force cut the ropes, felling the bridge. The foundation underneath fell, leaving Chuck Norris no other choice but to leap for the ledge. He flew through the air and barely made it, scrambling his hands on the dirt for leverage. Chuck Norris began to slide down, but unsheathed his knife and stabbed the hard earth. Secure and tight, he used the knife to pull himself up. He ran through the closing castle doors, shattering the wood like he was a living battering ram. He sprinted through the halls, jabbing and hooking every suit of armor that came to life to stop him. He slid to a stop at the end of a hall as an alicorn stallion statue came to life and snorted, pawing the ground and ready to charge. Chuck Norris quickly ended its short life with a swift side kick as it charged. The castle held many traps, and old magic enchanted inanimate objects to impede him, but Chuck Norris wasn’t stopping now. He was going to end the one behind this atrocity, even if it meant the end of Chuck Norris and this dying universe. “Finally,” Chuck Norris said as he came to a stop, a massive, scarlet door with black engravings in front of him. The engravings appeared to take the shape of a Chinese dragon made of smoke. The dragon appeared to be breathing fire smoke on a village of ponies, ponies screaming in terror. Chuck Norris clenched his fists. “Go time.” Instead of meeting with magical resistance, the door creaked open. Chuck Norris walked through, the door slowly shutting behind him. A chamber, Chuck Norris was inside a vast chamber. An empty chamber of… nothingness. “Well this is anticlimactic,” Chuck Norris deadpanned as he walked through the empty chamber. His footsteps echoed off the marble and stone, reverberating through the walls. The darkness seemed to retreat from him with each step, as if it was sentient and afraid of his power. A clap sounded through the silence. A slow, condescending clap. Chuck Norris froze, listening to the footsteps and applause approaching him from behind. Chuck Norris turned his body, moving slow and ready to fight. Black shoes, black pants, and bare abdomens stepped from the darkness. A man with dark hair laughed applauded. “Mister Norris! It is great to see you! I was wondering when you would finally arrive! Welcome to—” the man spread his arms, inviting a legion of stallions to creep out of the shadows, bearing their own necklaces “—Paradise.” Chuck Norris glared and scowled at the man. “Nice to see you again, Bruce.” Return of the Pony."The night is darkest before the dawn..." Bruce Lee sneered. “Yes, Mister Norris, it is I. I’ve been expecting you,” he said, pausing to stroke a white, fluffy stallion that walked by. He walked past the pony and stood three paces from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris clenched his fists, taking note of the thirty ponies that surrounded him. Thirty Seventh Elements. Thirty foes to be defeated. “Why?” Chuck Norris asked, pushing down his burning rage. His gut was a furnace of fury, one that could not be stoked in such a tense situation. He knew he needed to stay in control. “Why did you… destroy Equestria? Why do you threaten the safety of an innocent universe? What could you possibly gain from this?” “The question is, Mister Norris,” Bruce Lee said, prancing toward Chuck Norris with steps as light as snow, “is what can’t I gain from this?” He leaned down and scratched a stallion behind the ears, causing it to slobber and moan in pleasure. “Using my own essence, I have fabricated and grown these ponies to become the strongest in the universe. The ones you’ve faced were only the prototypes. They have become stronger, Mister Norris, and you are no match for them.” “But that doesn’t answer my question!” Chuck Norris roared, stomping his feet and shaking the ancient castle. “Why are you doing this? Why? Bruce Lee chuckled. “You see, Mister Norris, I’ve always been a little enamored for Equestria. All those pretty ponies and riches for the taking!” Bruce Lee raised his fists into the air, as if he was milking an invisible cow. “But those… those fools! The Powers That Be have always messed things up! They give these ponies artifacts of immense power, but do not teach them how to wield it properly! But I!” Bruce Lee jogged forward, petting his ponies and stroking their manes. “But I have molded their power and given them a will of their own! To make their own destiny, instead of being told what to do with it!” “And what gives you that right?” Chuck Norris challenged, stepping away as Bruce Lee approached, holding his arms out as if he was going to hug Chuck Norris. “What gives me the right? What gives ME the right?” Bruce Lee cackled, his eyes rolling in their sockets. “Oh, how I LOVE the irony! Chuck Norris, who roundhouse kicks people for asking the time! Chuck Norris, who extorts his friends and makes fun of them just because they can’t have his soul. Chuck Norris, who cheats in poker and gets away with it because he’s the tough guy! Chuck Norris, who decided to lecture someone else about abusing their power!” Bruce Lee bowed, to the stomping applause of his ponies. Chuck Norris couldn’t take it anymore. Smack! Chuck Norris grunted as Bruce Lee squeezed his caught fist, a wicked smirk on his face. Bruce Lee tilted his head. “So, Mister Norris, it seems that you do not quite understand the—Predicament. You. Face.” Bruce Lee annunciated each word with a tightening of his grip, turning Chuck Norris’s vision red with pain and rage. It wasn’t a feeling—pain, sheer unadulterated pain—that Chuck Norris was used to. It was quite alien. “Kiai! Bruce Lee shouted, charging his ki through Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris yelped in pain and collapsed to his knees, his arm smoking. Bruce Lee stepped away, admiring his handiwork. “Excellent. I see I still stand as the most powerful being in the multiverse. I’ve killed you once, Mister Norris, and I’ll do it again. Maybe Death will do his job this time.” Chuck Norris grunted as he made his way back to his feet. “Y-you’ll never get away with this…” He gasped in pain, holding onto his burnt arm. A dragon-patterned scar was engraved on his forearm: Bruce Lee’s sigil. “Oh Mister Norris,” Bruce Lee said with a giggle as he raised his hand with his thumb and a finger pinched together, “I already have.” Snap! The Seventh Elements attacked. Time slowed down to a crawl as Chuck Norris grasped onto his inner focus. He closed his eyes to the sounds of growling and roaring stallions, focusing only on his inner energy. Just like Grandmaster Buddha said. Now is not the time to use teeth and rage, nor time to make coffee. It is time to focus on what matters, and come out strong. It’s time to release… the real Chuck Norris. A cool current ran through his blood, calming the flames of rage. Chuck Norris opened his eyes. He twisted his torso as he grabbed onto the barrel of a flying pegasus, tossing him into the side and reaching for his knife in one fluid motion. He unsheathed it, then brought back his fist and backhanded an oncoming unicorn, digging the knife into his neck. Without wasting a beat, Chuck Norris cut the knife out and spun, taking out two opposite ponies with a simultaneous sidekick and left jab. Time froze as his senses flared up. Chuck Norris spread his legs and sank into the splits, bringing his hands up to slam two launched ponies together. He placed his hands on the ground and pushed himself, rolling back to dodge a magic blast in the nick of time. Chuck Norris stood onto his two feet and assumed a fighting stance, bringing his fists to his chest. His elegant roll and placed all his opponents to his front, leaving him able to focus. The air around him charged with energy; it became tense enough that only his roundhouse kick could cut through it. His eyes flicked back and forth, scanning the oncoming crowd. Thirty, no, forty. No wait, fifty Seventh Elements! He furrowed his brow and smirked. Seventh Elements, prepare to meet the Texas Ranger. Information was received—action time. He leaped forward and kicked his legs forward, diving into a slide through the crowd. He unholstered his SMGs and fired into the crowd, clearing space and scattering the ranks. Confusion was his friend. He spun his leg out in a sweep kick, tripping the stragglers. A swift spin-roundhouse kick put them out of commission. He flicked his wrist back and took out another with his knife without even turning to look. Chuck Norris smiled. Chuck Norris was back. He roundhouse kicked! He punched! He jabbed! He hooked! He spin-kicked, side-kicked, front-kicked, back-kicked! Stallions, ponies, Seventh Elements fell to each and every powerful strike! Sonic booms echoed and shook the room with each contact as Chuck Norris charged every strike with his very soul and fighting spirit. Chuck Norris was unstoppable! He jumped as two ponies flew toward him. He twisted his body, preparing both feet to strike for a dragon ki— “That’s enough!” Bruce Lee shouted as he grabbed Chuck Norris’s boot in a split-second hold. Before the living legend could react, Bruce Lee twisted his fist with a ki charge, spiraling Chuck Norris and throwing him across the chamber. Chuck Norris fell to the ground with a harsh crack, leaving a crumbling crater on the castle ground. Chuck Norris struggled to his feet, the ki surging through his body and sapping his strength. His vision blurred, the ground shifting as his sense of balance spun out. Inner focus is hard… when you don’t have any focus. Chuck Norris collapsed to his knees. His fist pushed against the ground, but not even all his will could bring the titan to his feet. “No no no, nobody uses my signature kick,” Bruce Lee said as he paced in front of Chuck Norris, his pony mimicries waiting at his beck and call. He reached into his martial arts sweatpants and pulled out a single shuriken, sparkling with gold electricity. Bruce Lee examined it, his smirk turning into a gleeful grimace. “A single weapon, one of a kind, and the only one that can finally kill you. A shuriken made of my own, pure ki. Goodbye, Mister Norris,” Bruce Lee said with a dismissal wave. Bruce Lee flicked his wrist and sent it flying. Chuck Norris closed his eyes, gracefully accepting defeat. Shink! Chuck Norris heard the ki-metal hit metal, no doubt his iron-hard skin. He waited for it to dig into his neck, to tear out his arteries, to finally end the legend of Chuck Norris. He waited for the life beyond. Death. Anything. None came. Chuck Norris, impatiently embracing his end, opened his eyes. A shocking sight awaited him. In front of his eyes was the scythe of Death itself, struck into the ground. Death stood before Chuck Norris, blocking the final blow with his own weapon. His block complete, Death twisted his wrists and elegantly spun the scythe into both hands, taking a battle stance with his dark weapon. Death turned his skull and nodded at Chuck Norris. ”I said there was a way we could help. Now here it is.” Chuck Norris panted and shook his head. “No, you don’t understand! They’re too powerful, even for me! Run, Death. Run!” “I believe Death, my friend, said ‘we,’” a silky voice called from the shadows. Lucifer walked out from the retreating darkness, brandishing his dual-skulled soul-magnums. He lifted them up and assumed a secret agent pose. “Lucifer, Lord of Hell, at your service.” Bruce Lee laughed, placing his hands on his hips. “I defeat Chuck Norris, and his only backup are his lackeys! Seventh Elements, prepare to—” “Who said they were alone?” a female voice called from opening scarlet doors. Chuck Norris’s heart skipped a beat, recognizing the sound of someone—no, somepony familiar. Fluttershy and her five friends trotted into the room, meeting the leers of the many stallions. Each of the girls brandished their own uniform and belt of different colors. Only Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash wore black, taking the lead of the group. “F-Fluttershy?” Chuck Norris stuttered, finally catching his wind and rising to his feet. “I-I t-thought—” “I would never leave you behind, Mister Chuck Norris,” Fluttershy said with a small blush. “Everypony went into hiding as soon as Discord uncovered Mister Lee’s plans, and we bided our time until you would aid us. You’re quite famous, even in our universe. Understandably so, once I absorbed the memories of my tangent echoes.” Fluttershy pawed the ground, smiling. “Enough talk!” Rainbow Dash shouted, leering at nearby stallions. “I am sick of being forced to, ugh, fall in love with these weirdoes!” Rarity silent agreed behind her. “Now let’s kick some flank!” Bruce Lee roared and jumped kicked toward Rainbow Dash, before anyone could react. Smack! “Not today, fool!” Mr. T blocked Bruce Lee’s kick and shoved forward with his bling-fueled strength. Bruce Lee fell backward in the air, curled into a ball, and landed on the ground in a balanced back-stance. “Mr. T?” Chuck Norris asked as Mr. T helped him join his group of allies. “What are you doing here?” Mr. T grinded his teeth. “Homeys called me as soon as they heard ‘bout fools messing up the place. So I called a couple homeys to help out.” “A friend in need is a friend indeed. Call me crazy, but not too crazy.” “Someone called for the best gun-slinger ‘round these parts?” Chuck Norris blinked and beamed at his friends. “Jackie Chan? Clint Eastwood?” “Ah, but don’t forget the most divine of us all,” a wise, ancient voice called from the reopening door. Everyone in the room, including Bruce Lee, paused to stare at the majestic figure. Everyone stared, slack-jawed. “Morgan Freeman?!” “That’s right, my children.” Morgan Freeman bowed, donned in his white robes. He peered at Chuck Norris and smiled. “I believe that we, so you say, have some ass to smite.” Bruce Lee sprinted forward and shouted, “Seventh Elements, attack!” Before even a single pony could paw forward, Mr. T stepped forward. “Mr. T don’t think so, fools!” Mr. T roared as he punched the ground, fissuring the chamber and blasting the crowd away with a sonic blast. Mr. T, winded, turned to Chuck Norris. “You better get your white ass moving and take care of that fool, fool. Mr. T and friends will handle the weak uns.” Chuck Norris nodded as the ponies behind him cheered and charged. Chuck Norris followed. Bruce Lee threw a right hook at Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris blocked. Bruce Lee twisted his hips and back-kicked, only for Chuck Norris to duck and counter with a swift roundhouse kick. Bruce Lee stumbled back, only to be blasted again with a kick. Another kick. Another kick! Bruce Lee shook his head and prepared to counter Chuck Norris’s kick, but a magic bolt to the face pushed him back. Bruce Lee recovered, only to take Applejack’s buck to the back of the knee. Rainbow Dash punched his throat, to Liam Neeson’s (who had just shown up and was shooting evil ponies left and right) approval. Bruce Lee spat blood, just before Rarity flew through the air and roundhouse kicked him in the jaw. Bruce Lee stumbled back to the onslaught of the true Elements of Harmony. He fell to a single knee, panting as the five crept toward him. In a single moment of desperation, he slammed his palms onto the ground and released a ki shockwave, blasting the Elements of Harmony back. Not even winded, they merely slid back, still on their hooves. Chuck Norris confidently strutted past them, pausing only to nod his thanks to Twilight Sparkle. “Give up, Bruce, you’ve lost,” Chuck Norris said as he kneeled in front of Bruce Lee. He placed his hand on Bruce Lee’s shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. “Please, just let it go.” “Can’t hold me back anymore,” Bruce Lee wheezed. “You can’t hold me back anymore!” He shot back to his feet, causing a ki-blast to push Chuck Norris onto his back. Bruce Lee panted as his aura turned visible, a golden shroud of pure ki. “All I wanted to do was make my own Equestria! Filled with my own version of Elements to live up to the pony’s true potential! I was going to succeed where the Powers That Be failed!” Bruce Lee whipped out a knife from his black sweatpants and skulked toward Chuck Norris. Everyone in the room, including the deviant Seventh Elements, froze as the aura of fear corrupted their hearts. Chuck Norris scuttled backward on his ass, only for Bruce Lee to stomp on his foot. Hard. “Goodbye, Mister Norris,” Bruce Lee cackled as he raised the knife above his head with both hands. “Prepare for your final curta—” “I DON’T THINK SO!” Fluttershy roared as she intercepted the falling knife. She took Bruce Lee’s wrists in her hoofs, hovering above the ground with her buzzing wings, and struggled against his strength. The knife vibrated in their struggle, and slowly but surely rose in the air. With a grunt and a twist, Fluttershy knocked it out of his hands. Bruce Lee charged and wrapped his arms around Fluttershy, intended to grapple and destroy the filly. He bit off more than he could chew, which Chuck Norris soon discovered. Fluttershy deftly avoided his arms with a ballerina twist, flapped her wings to drop a foot, repositioned her hoofs and grabbed onto Bruce Lee’s shoulders, and flipped over. Bruce Lee promptly flew into the air and onto the ground, without a chance to even recover. Bruce Lee struggled to his knees. He repeatedly snapped his fingers, commanding the remainder of his Seventh Elements to his side. He pointed to Fluttershy. “Destroy. That. Mare!” Fluttershy waved her mane, a confident smile on her face. “I don’t think so, boys.” The flowery scent of her mane fluttered through the air, permeating the atmosphere with lilacs and daisies. Fluttershy lowered her head and stuck out her bottom lip, pouting. “Boys, big mean Brucie is bullying me… please teach him a lesson?” Bruce Lee snorted. “What could that possibly—” “Yes Fluttershy,” the legion of Seventh Elements chanted. They leaped onto Bruce Lee, forming a doggie pile of overpowered Elemental force. Bruce Lee tossed and punched and elbowed and kneed his creations, but the weight of the false stallions pushed him down, pinning him to the ground. Bruce Lee roared and roared, but not a single Element could save him from his own doing. He managed to free an arm, pushing the Seventh Elements off him. He rose, his hair turning blonde as he burnt Seventh Element after Seventh Element off of him. He roared and raised his joined open palms together, charging a ki attack to— Chuck Norris and Fluttershy, their minds and hearts in sync, put an end to Bruce Lee with joint roundhouse kicks to his forehead. A resounding smack blasted through the atmosphere. Bruce Lee fell to the ground, unconscious. Death, his approach unhindered by the equally unconscious Seventh Elements, waved his hand over Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee’s weakened soul, a tiny yellow orb, floated out of his chest. Death silently retrieved his soul satchel and placed Bruce Lee’s soul into it, then turned to the crowd and raised the satchel above his head. The crowd cheered. It was over. Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood hugged. Jackie Chan and Mr. T high-fived. The true Elements of Harmony cuddled and giggled in cheer. Pinkie Pie bounced around and fired her party cannon, tossing confetti into the air and laughing as jolly as could be. Chuck Norris smiled. It’s over. It’s finally— A tap on his shoulder interrupted his thoughts. He turned his head, only to have his vision filled with bright blue eyes. A warm, moist pair of lips met his own. Surprised, shocked, and silently overjoyed, Chuck Norris embraced Fluttershy and swung her low to the ground, deepening the kiss into something worth celebrating. Everyone cheered for the new couple. The day had been won. Not by Chuck Norris, nor by sheer power. But by the power of friendship. Author's Note There shall be a prologue and epilogue, but the story is now complete! Thank you for the journey!
Hell Is Other Jerks."In the beginning there was nothing... and then there was Chuck Norris." ”Full… house…” the robed figure whispered through his vaporous hood. His skeletal hands dropped his playing cards onto the table, revealing three kings and two queens. He clasped his hands and leaned back onto his chair, staring past the poker table to his two companions. Two men stared back at him: a black-haired man with a porcelain complexion and a scowl that could kill, and a brawny, bearded man who hadn’t even flinched at his deathly opponent’s declaration despite being all in. The black-haired man ran his hand through his head of hair, revealing elven ears. He threw his cards on the table: three jacks, an ace, and a joker . “You win this time, Death.” Death nodded and leaned forward, wrapping his skeletal arms around the stack of chips. Slam! Death froze, a dagger piercing the table just between his radius and ulna and leaving his arm pinned. He looked up, his vaporous soul orbs staring from his hood. The bearded man looked up from his slouched posture and glared at Death. He threw his cards on the table. “Straight Flush,” the man said, “Royal Straight Flush.” He lifted his knife and allowed Death to move back to his seat. Death sighed and slammed his fist on the table, burning it with soul fire. “Damn it, Norris. Someday, I’ll win. I got Bruce, and someday I’ll get you.” Chuck Norris scoffed. “I died thirty years ago, and you’re still too afraid to tell me.” Death looked away. “I-I’m sorry…” “What was that? I don’t think I heard you right,” Chuck Norris said, clenching his fist with a deafening crack that echoed through the flaming halls of hell. Death raised his hands in instinctual defense. “I-I’m s-sorry, senpai!” Chuck Norris leaned back into his seat, pulling the pot into his stash of chips. “Atta girl, I knew you could do it.” Death wished he could correct him, but even he knew that he was no match for Chuck Norris. Nobody was any match for him. Lucifer stood up from the table and saluted the divine men. “I think I’m going to cash in before I go broke. Good day, gentleman.” He turned around, taking his fedora off the clothing rack and placing it on his head before turning to the tunnel of Tartarus. He stepped into the tunnel, but froze when Death coughed. He turned around to see Death jerking his head toward Chuck Norris. Lucifer facepalmed and sat back at the table. “Back for seconds already?” Chuck Norris jabbed, whittling a rock into a figure with his hunting knife. “Or are you ready for—” “Mister Norris, we need your help! It’s why we invited you over,” Lucifer blurted out, his knuckles white as he gripped the table. “We have no other choice than to turn to you, trust me. You’re the only one who can help us.” Lucifer leaned his elbows on the table and held his face with his hands. “Please, help us.” Chuck Norris grimaced, finding the sight of his friend to be off putting. It was one thing to see Lucifer throwing a hissy fit about his daddy issues, but another to see him truly upset. As badass as he was, Chuck Norris hated the sight of his friends in distress. It meant someone needed a good ol’ roundhouse kick. With that in mind, Chuck Norris leaned to the side and nodded. “What do you need?” Death raised his skeletal palm and conjured a gaseous orb, creating an image akin to a crystal ball. Inside showed bright colors and laughter. He beckoned Chuck Norris closer, revealing the tiny colors to be sapient equines. “Mister Norris, this land you see is Equestria, and it is currently in turmoil.” Chuck Norris reared back and glared at Lucifer. “I knew you were into that silly cartoon, with all the shirts and merchandise you keep buying, but are you seriously trying to get me into your hobby?” Lucifer blushed and shook his head, waving at Death to continue. “You see, this is the multiverse,” Death said, waving his other hand over the orb to create a network of lines inside a vast orb. Each line connected to each other at a single point, never merging or splitting paths. Each one was a different color, and pulsed with strange energy. Death continued. “Or, at least how it should be.” Death waved his hand again, and one of the lines began to surge with power. The line convulsed and became an angry red as it split into seven different lines, connected only at the base. “This is how the multiverse is now. One universe has become split and its boundaries are waning, meaning—” “That if someone doesn’t take care of it, the walls of the multiverse will collapse and all hell breaks loose?” Chuck Norris guessed, picking his teeth with his knife. Lucifer and Death stared at him, bemused. Chuck Norris shrugged. “No pun intended.” Death shook his head. “No, much worse. And this concerns all the Powers That Be. Even the Great One has given permission for Lucifer and me to intervene, even if it breaks the balance.” Chuck Norris whistled. “That bad, huh?” The two figures nodded. “You see, this world faces a fate worse than him,” Lucifer said, reaching over and placing his fingers on the base of the universe’s knot. He pinched it, and the threads split away, floating in space and falling to the base of the orb. “If the world continues to split as it does now, the universe will be cut away from the rest. No destiny, no fate, no afterlife. The universe will die.” Chuck Norris nodded in understanding, allowing the words to sink in. He waved and pointed his knife at his friends. “So why do you guys care? Isn’t this more of a heaven deal?” Lucifer jabbed his thumb toward the tunnel behind him. “Unfortunately, the only existing entrance to that realm that hasn’t been erased thanks to this incident is the tunnel of Tartarus. It branches out to a few, but it’s the main way into Equestria. Which means it’s my business, as well as Death’s. If billions of souls just vanish in the multiverse, we’ll all feel the sting. Even you.” “Very well,” Chuck Norris said. “But tell me, what exactly is causing this and why do you need me to fix it?” Death twiddled his thumbs. “You see… there are some divergent ‘ponies’ in the universe that caused it to split when they were, well, given power. We call them the “Seventh Elements” for they have forsaken and copied the Elements of Harmony that protect Equestria. I hate to say this, Mister Norris, but… their power rivals yours. That’s why the universe is breaking apart. It’s too much for the multiverse to handle.” Click click! Chuck Norris cocked his handgun and holstered it. He adjust his weapon strap, securing the dual SMGs to his waist. He saluted to his friends and began strolling to the tunnel of Tartarus. He turned his head back one last time and winked. “Tell Brucey I said hi, alright? I’ll be back before supper.” He faced the tunnel, a vast snake of darkness and void, and leaped in.
The Power Is Yours!”Home is where the heart is.” Fifteen minutes in Equestria was enough for him to get his bounds. Armed with binoculars and hiding in the canopy of the Everfree Forest, he scouted out the village before him. Colorful equines littered the streets, walking and chatting as their day went on, blissfully unaware of the deity that had climbed into their land. “Heh, they’re kinda cute,” Chuck Norris muttered to himself. “No wonder he likes them so much. Even the devil’s heart would melt.” He drew a mental map, scoping out each dark alley, building, and hiding spot in the vicinity. Once he had the town layout engraved in his mind, he jumped out of the tree and onto the ground, landing with a roll to reduce impact. He stood up and brushed himself off, then strolled toward the village. The grass behind him rustled. Chuck Norris froze, slowly reaching to his holster… The animal roared and leaped from the brush just as Chuck Norris whipped around with his hunting knife. The timberwolf landed into Chuck Norris’s grappling arms, and fell limp to the ground. Chuck Norris kneeled down, taking his knife out from the timberwolf’s chest and paying respect to the fallen beast. Time to move on. Chuck Norris stood up and turned back to town. He took three steps, paused, and then threw his knife behind him. The rising timberwolf yelped and turned tail. Chuck Norris chuckled and retrieved his fallen knife. Gets ‘em every time. A few moments later, he leaned against the last tree at the outskirts of town. He had a plan for this mission: infiltrate, identify, eliminate. One way or another, he was going to save these ponies from the actions of some mysterious force. All he would have to do is depower a few overpowered ponies, no biggie. If push came to roundhouse kick, he would have to put down a few of them. Again, no big deal for Chuck Norris. No ponies in sight, Chuck Norris thought as he leaned out from behind the tree. He grinned and tipped his Stetson. Go time. He sprinted across the field separating the forest from the nearest building and leaped into a dive. He rolled behind the nearest dumpster, landed on his feet, and pressed his back against the cold metal. He was silent. He was deadly. He was more than any ninja could hope to be. He was invisible. Undetectable. Unstoppa— “Hello mister monkey, what are you doing here?” a female voice cooed from beside him. Chuck Norris jolted and turned to the side, meeting eye-to-eye a pink-maned pony with—Wings? Chuck Norris shrugged it off, deciding that it was nowhere near as odd as having Poker Night with Death and the Devil every week. However, his mind whirred on his dealing with this pony. Somehow she had transcended normal mortal perception and detected him. He had multiple options to deal with her: stranglehold, silver-tongue, dumping the body in the river, or having s—on second thought, Chuck Norris decided that even if every woman (and man) wanted him, he still had standards. “I’m not a monkey,” Chuck Norris said, kneeling down to pat the pony on her head. “I’m a human being, and my name is Chuck. Chuck Norris.” The pony blinked at him and smiled, closing her eyes and bearing her pearly whites. “Hello Mister Norris, I’m Fluttershy!” Her adorable wavelengths radiated into the atmosphere, but it wasn’t even close to faltering Chuck Norris. He waited for her to pant and roll her tongue out as he scratched behind her ears, the perfect moment. Once he began attacking both ears, driving the mare wild into euphoria, he leaned forward to hug her. And squeezed. Hard. He dragged the limp body behind the dumpster and laid her body properly as to not give her discomfort during her awakening. Like a little nap. Sweet dreams, pretty pony. He dive-rolled across the alleyway to the trashcan, hiding behind it as a few chattering ponies walked by. He dive-rolled again to the opposite wall, stood up and began sidestepping to the corner. Chuck Norris peeked around the corner, calculating the distance to the nearest door and the trajectory of oncoming ponies. Chuck Norris waited approximately twenty seconds for a nearby foal and his mother to walk by. The foal was eating an ice cream cone, enjoying the dairy goodness and sugar with enthusiastic licking. Chuck Norris, utilizing trigonometry and rocket science, gauged the wind speed, distance, angle, and other factors before drawing out his silenced Colt .45. Zip! The bullet whizzed through the air, striking the ice cream and knocking it down. Just as Chuck Norris predicted, the colt began wailing and calling attention from the masses. Chuck Norris crouched and began creeping past the corner as the ponies were distracted, sneaking into the building nearby. His eyes were immediately assaulted by blinding lights and glinting gems. Cupping his forehead with his open hand, he allowed his eyes to adjust to the—Fashion store. Of course it had to be fashion. This place has everything. No wonder Lucifer loves this place so much. Strutting through the interior, he took note of the scribbles on the wall. With his Chuck Norris Infrared Vision™, eldritch glowing runes glowed on the walls to reveal the den of the anomaly he was hunting. Soon, this tangent universe would collapse and the multiverse would be one step closer to healing. Something murmured. Chuck Norris’s senses fired up as he crept, light-footed and silent, to the curtain of a dressing room. His hand, shaking with concentration, grasped the edge of the curtain and tore it open. “My word, you uncouth brute! Don’t you know how to knock!” the mare (who Chuck Norris recalled Lucifer identifying as Rarity, the devil’s favorite pony) cried as she clutched the stallion on top of her. The stallion, unaware of Chuck Norris, continued to nibble on Rarity’s ear and whisper sweet nothings. “Sorry, my lady,” Chuck Norris said, tipping his stetson. “Better I knock him out before he knocks you up.” His words confused her, causing Rarity to grimace. Just as she opened her jaw to speak, Chuck Norris grabbed the nape of her lover’s neck, flexed his Olympian muscles, and tossed the stallion across Carousel Boutique. The stallion yelped, stood up, and shook his head before glaring at Chuck Norris. “Who are you? What do you want? Do you know who I am?” The stallion, a blue earth pony with a red mane, huffed and pawed the ground in anger. Chuck Norris chuckled and tipped his hat. “I can only guess, but I know you’re just going to tell me anyway.” “I’m Ominous Occurrence! The Seventh Element of Love! And sexiest stallion alive!” The stallion ran his hoof through his mane, causing Rarity to moan and coo from her position. Chuck Norris rolled his eyes. Pft. Amateur. What kind of Element is Heart anyway? He placed his hands on his waist and proceeded to flex his pectorals like the Olympian beast he was. No lady could resist the Norris. Except this one. Rarity ignored him and began to applaud Ominous Occurrence as he proceeded to flex his forelegs, showing off incredibly pathetic muscles. Chuck Norris rolled his eyes. Yeah, this one is definitely going. Deciding to end it quick, he unholstered his Colt .45 and aimed at the jeweled necklace the stallion bore. With his incredible accuracy, he fired the gun. Then the unthinkable happened. Time appeared to slow down as Chuck Norris’s senses fired up. The bullet rippled through the air as the stallion dived to the side, narrowly dodging the bullet. Chuck Norris holstered the weapon as the stallion glared at him, shocked that the universe had denied him so. How is that possible? I’m Chuck Norris! “Fool! You can’t beat me!” the stallion stuck his tongue out. “I’m unbeatable! I’m love itself! All the mares love me ‘cause I’m so—” Chuck Norris interrupted his boasting with a swift roundhouse to kick to the face, sending the stallion flying out the door. Chuck Norris adjusted his hat, tipped it toward Rarity, and strutted out of her boutique with swagger appropriate for the most powerful being in the multiverse. Stepping out the door, he looked down the street. Apparently he had kicked the stallion across town onto the marketplace a few blocks away. Chuck Norris stroked his chin. I’ve already been spotted… no point in using stealth now. Besides, these ponies hardly pack a punch. Without further ado, Chuck Norris strolled down the street, ignoring the whispers and stares of the ponies. Their instincts undoubtedly screamed to run, or to appear as harmless as possible to avoid provoking the predator before them. They watched as Chuck Norris walked to Ominous Occurrence. They watched as Chuck Norris tore the necklace off the screaming Ominous Occurrence. “You won’t get away with this…” Ominous Occurrence gasped as Chuck Norris placed his boot on his neck, preventing him from rising. Chuck Norris clicked his tongue and wagged his finger. “Silly pony,” Chuck Norris teased, “don’t you know that baddies never win in cartoons?” Ominous Occurrence scowled. “You’ll pay for—” “GET AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND!” a familiar female voice called. Ominous Occurrence grinned as Chuck Norris flinched at the sight of Fluttershy diving toward him. Oh great, not again. Chuck Norris prepared to intercept her tackle and choke her again, but she merely leapt and clung to his arm. Fluttershy nuzzled him; Ominous Occurrence and Chuck Norris exchanged bemused glances. Chuck Norris grit his teeth. Well, time to end this. Using his free arm, he brought the fake Element to his face. Staring at the gold and embedded jewel, he closed his fist. Slowly, but surely, the jewelry began to crack. The ruby snapped in half, and his environment dissolved. ”Welcome back, that was quite fast indeed. You were almost as flee—” Zip! A bullet blew through Death’s hood, splitting the fabric of shadows and revealing Death’s skull. Death gulped as the shadows restitched, returning to his card game as Chuck Norris sat down. Chuck Norris grabbed a beer and took a swig, smacked his lips and wiped them off. “Sorry Death, but I’m not really into the jokes right now,” Chuck Norris said as he set the bottle down. He nodded toward Lucifer, acknowledging his friend’s presence. “Anyway, I got this. Maybe this will shed some light on this mystery.” He tossed the necklace to the middle of the table, allowing Death and Lucifer to examine it. Lucifer hummed and stroked his chin. “This seems… familiar. I just can’t put my finger on it.” The necklace was a gold band like the real Elements of Harmony, but the symbol was a red heart. A cracked heart, thanks to Chuck Norris’s intervention. Like a cracked ruby, but sparkling with a strange light inside. Lucifer leaned in close and poked the ruby, conjuring a spark on his fingers at contact. “Ah, just as I thought. Dragonfire.” “What does that mean?” Chuck Norris said, kicking his feet onto the table. “Does it have anything to do with why when I crushed the thing, everything just… disappeared?” ”That was the scar of the universe healing, Mister Norris,” Death said, reaching for his own beer. He chugged the bottle, soaking his robe in beverage through his hollow rib cage. He set it down and lowered his head toward Chuck Norris. ”Do you understand what you’re up against, Mister Norris?” Chuck Norris wanted to boast, to say how easily he defeated his pathetic opponent, but something else tugged at his mind. He leaned onto the table and said, “That was the weakest one, wasn’t it? There are stronger ones, aren’t there?” Lucifer nodded. “Yes, the one you faced was mediocre at best. Even I could take him on. However, the rest are…” ”Out of our league, suffice to say,” Death finished for him, placing a skeletal hand onto Lucifer’s. He turned to Chuck Norris and bowed again. ”Please, Mister Norris. This is a crisis, and we must save the little ponies! It will be dangerous, even for you, but you are the only in the multiverse who is capable! Will you risk your body and soul to save the lives and souls of countless innocents? Chuck Norris lowered his head for a moment, pondering his options. The way things had set up, the Seventh Elements had screwed up their own universes and would die quietly if left to their own devices, meaning he could simply walk away and pay them no heed. Nothing here affected him, or the multiverse as a whole. It was outside his jurisdiction, and not his duty to even give them a second glance. His mind made up, Chuck Norris stood up and placed his Colt .45 onto the table. He looked up at the two hellish lords and nodded. “I’ll do it. You have my word.” ”We are in your debt. Lucifer wiped away a single tear from his eye. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”
Lock and Load, Baby!"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..." Chuck Norris opened the gun cabinet next to Lucifer’s wardrobe, taking down random weapons and strapping them to his chest, back, and waist. Retrieving a few knives and pistols, he slipped them in his boot and denim vest. He patted himself down, smoothing all the wrinkles in his jeans and hiding the creases of his weapons. Death floated over and stared at Chuck Norris’s getup. ”I see. You’re preparing for the worst, aren’t you?” Death reached into the cabinet for the tranquilizer rifle and handed it to Chuck Norris. ”Please take this one too. It is rather unpleasant whenever I must touch their world with my presence, and I wish to minimize my corruption on their world.” “Wait a minute,” Chuck Norris said, taking the rifle from Death. “You’re not a corruption. You sure as hell aren’t taking me, but you aren’t a corruption.” Chuck Norris placed a hand on Death’s shoulder and gave the bone a squeeze. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, friend.” Death sighed, exhaling cold wind past his vaporous hood. ”I suppose you’re right, but the land of Equestria is inhabited by innocent ponies. Innocence that rarely brushes with the harsh truth of me. They are long-lived, loving, and only see the death of a loved one in the rarest of circumstances. Please, Mister Norris, let them live free and unburdened. It is the last haven for innocence, and I would give anything to keep it that way.” Chuck Norris nodded. “Right. I’ll try to keep it, er, clean then. Only my marks, got it.” Lucifer looked up from the poker table, adjusting his visor. “So, Mister Norris, what are you going to do now? We might not have much time.” “Well, Lucifer, I don’t need much time,” Chuck Norris said with a grin as he cocked his shotgun. “Only time for a… montage.” Lucifer and Death gasped as generic theme music played in the background. “Time to lock and load.” “Fight me like a real stallion, you cowardly rogue!” the heavily armored stallion roared, brandishing his broadsword with his magic. “I shall defeat you in combat like many a monster I have slain, and then I shall take another mare as my bride to celebrate my victory!” Chuck Norris hid behind the market stall, panting for breath. H-how is this possible? His armor is immune to my roundhouse kicks! Chuck Norris held up his Colt .45 and reloaded it, dropping the clip onto the ground. Bulletproof, unkickable… there’s only one possible solution to this puzzle. Just got to wait for it... “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” the stallion jeered as he paced around the marketplace, decimating stalls and carts with a swipe of his broadsword. “Or are you just some weak and helpless filly?” Chuck Norris bit his tongue, clenched his fists, resisting the urge to lash out and give away his position. Nobody uses sexism as an insult! “Oh, but he ISN’T weak and helpless!” a familiar voice called through the air. Chuck Norris looked up in the air as Fluttershy dove from the skies, tackling the armored stallion. Without any hint of injury, the armored stallion wrestled with Fluttershy, receiving the upper hand with brute strength and weight. Chuck Norris reached for his boot and prepared to—Chuck Norris leaped. He dove to the side, into his shoulder, as he reached out and aimed with both handguns. With precision timing and accuracy, he fired four bullets at the stallion’s shoulder. The stallion, holding onto Fluttershy in a choke grip, exposed a gap in his shoulder piece with his forelegs bent. Chuck Norris slid behind the next stall just after he confirmed that he had, indeed, fired the bullet and wedged it just inside the gap. Chuck Norris rolled onto his feet, holstered his guns, and whipped out his hunter knife. Before the stallion could recover from Fluttershy’s assault and Chuck Norris’s fire, Chuck Norris bolted from his cover and sprinted toward the armored stallion. Time slowed down as Chuck Norris approached the speed of light. Using his precise muscle movements and calculations, Chuck Norris dislodged Fluttershy from the stallion, took the stallion in his own arms, and kicked off the ground into a full tackle. “Fool!” the stallion growled under Chuck Norris, slightly winded. “I am the Element of Honor itself! You cannot defeat me with such underhanded tactics!” Chuck Norris chuckled as he adjusted his knife in the armor’s gap. “I think I already have.” Hitting the sweet spot with his knife, the armor loosened and fell apart from the shoulder, exposing the stallion. Before the stallion could even whine about his defeat, Chuck Norris stuck his hand inside like a child searching the toy box. He felt for the necklace, took it in his fist, and crushed it into smithereens. The stallion wept as the scene dissolved to the next… Chuck Norris surfed the lava wave on a board made of rock, holding onto a pony for her dear lives. Fluttershy screamed and covered her eyes, unable to comprehend the sight of her “friend,” the “Element” of Chaos, diverting from the path of light to combat Chuck Norris. All of Ponyville had turned into a volcanic field. Each and every pony was caged in frozen magma, not even something Chuck Norris could make sense of, but the chaos stallion did it anyway. Making sense was probably not his thing. The pegasus stallion floated above the village, branding his razor sharp claws. “Muahaha! Daddy Discord will be pleased indeed! Prepare to face my wra—” “Stuff a sock in it,” Chuck Norris said as he jumped off a wave and kicked his board ahead. The boulder struck the stallion in the chest, instantly shattering his fake element. Fluttershy cheered for her hero. “W-why? I was the hero…” the stallion cried as he searched the ground for his broken glasses. Chuck Norris kneeled down and picked up the fallen necklace. He paused to detach Fluttershy from his arm before standing up. “You were a bully, Poindexter.” Chuck Norris crossed his arms, resisting the urge to roundhouse kick this one in face. Again. “Element of Nitrogen? Please. You were just full of hot air. You used your intelligence just to get close to Twilight, bully all the jocks, and build a capitalist empire for yourself. You could have used your smarts for goodwill, but you were selfish and a bully. Good riddance.” Chuck Norris spat on the ground, ignoring his slight hypocrisy with cancer. He threw the Element of Nitrogen on the ground, aimed his Colt .45 down at it, and pulled the trigger. Chuck Norris jumped into the air, twisted his torso, and caught the plate of spaghetti with his teeth. As he began descending in the air, he finished his 360 spin, pulled out his dual SMGs, and fired at the fedora-wearing unicorn. Each of his bullets hit the necklace dead center, shattering the fake Element and dissolving the fake universe. Fluttershy, clinging to his leg, cheered for her victorious champion. “You are no match for me! I have power over the Element of Time!” the crazed stallion shrieked as the air rippled around him. Chuck Norris pushed himself off the ground, knocked down by the stallion’s kick. Even a kick at the speed of light was enough to wind Chuck Norris, a fact that worried him. They’re getting stronger. But I still have to beat them! Chuck Norris wrapped his arms around Fluttershy and rolled just as the stallion fired a bolt of energy at them. Chuck Norris released Fluttershy mid-roll, allowing him space from the unconscious mare. He looked up to see the stallion trotting toward him, cackling with each step. “You truly thought you could defeat me when I have dominion over the most powerful force in the world?” the black and gray stallion scoffed. “For a moment, I thought you had a bra—” “Hey tool,” Chuck Norris grunted as he placed his fists on the ground. He looked at the stallion and narrowed his eyes. The stallion narrowed his eyes and fired up his horn, slowing time to a crawl. Chuck Norris grinned and said, “You're forgetting Time’s brother!” The stallion cocked his head as Chuck Norris’s muscles flexed in slow motion. “What brother?” Despite the limits of speed imposed on him, Chuck Norris managed to shout, “Gravity!” Chuck Norris, utilizing the speed of light to combat the time slow, pushed the earth down. His immense strength caused the planet to shift under the Element of Time, causing the stallion to sink in slow motion as if he was drowning in a lake. He flailed his forelegs, but could not sink in time as Chuck Norris sprinted faster than light. A swift roundhouse kick to the chest ended the time lock, and dissolved the realm. Chuck Norris’s quest was almost over.
Enter the Elements."You get the greatest glimpse of heaven on the way down to hell..." Chuck Norris strutted from the tunnel of Tartarus, deciding a much needed rest was in order. He had one last Element to destroy, and wanted to do it on his own terms. Death and Lucifer were still playing poker, and not a single chip of Chuck Norris’s had been touched. Good. “How goes your quest?” Lucifer asked as he threw down his three of a kind, beating Death’s two pair. He waited for Chuck Norris to seat himself and grab a beer. “Is the universe and my little ponies safe?” Chugging his drink, Chuck Norris’s mind turned to the multitude of ponies he had fought. He set the beer down and wiped his moist lips. “Yeah, almost. Just got one last Element to destroy, then we’re good. But Jesus—no offense.” Chuck Norris waved to the ceiling as thunder boomed in the distance. “These ponies are tough. I mean, they’re no match for me, but they’re definitely unnatural. Any idea what, or who, is behind this?” Lucifer tapped the table with his bony fingers, his brow sweating. “I… I think I have an idea, but I can’t confirm it quite yet.” He looked up to Chuck Norris and ran his hand through his dark hair. “It might be an old rival of yours, but I can’t be sure. But if he’s still in Equestria, he’ll be in this one.” “What makes you think that?” Chuck Norris asked, taking a sip of his beer. Death threw in the big blind for the next poker game before speaking. ”You see, Mister Norris, you have been dissipating tangent universes. Each time you destroy the malefic keystone, the original universe absorbs what has been lost. That is how the universe heals,” Death explained drawing his cards and examining them. ”It would certainly explain Fluttershy’s… infatuation.” “Yeah, it does,” Chuck Norris said. He kicked his feet on the table, to Death and Lucifer’s chagrin, and sipped his beer. “As soon as I finish this bottle, I’m going to finish the job.” Death and Lucifer exchanged worried looks. Lucifer jerked his hands, and Death shrugged. Mental communication ensued, until they nodded and came to a consensus. “Mister Norris,” Lucifer said, leaning onto his poker table. “Perhaps you might want… backup?” Chuck Norris’s eyes shot open and spat out his beer, coughing. His lungs cleared, allowing his coughs to turn into laughs. He slapped his knee and returned his feet to the floor, continuing his jolly laughter. He wiped a tear from his eye and looked up to his friends. “You? Back me up? If I can’t handle it, who says you will? I’m Chuck Norris! The boogeyman checks his closet for me!” Chuck Norris chuckled and stood up from the table. He waved to his friends and turned back to the tunnel. “Later, guys. Thanks for the laugh.” Chuck Norris jumped in. Death and Lucifer grimaced at each other. Lucifer shook his head. “I know we wouldn’t make much of a difference, but he has no idea, does he?” ”No, I’m afraid not,” Death rasped, tapping a skeletal finger on his skull’s chin. ”But… there might be a way we can help.” “Is he gone yet?” a voice called from behind them. The two lords turned to see the boogeyman poking his head out from Lucifer’s closet, blushing and waving. Chuck Norris walked through the village, scratching his beard and holstering his weapons. He walked down the path, down the village streets, but not a single pony was in sight. The buildings were desolate and worn down by the elements, as if nopony had lived in them for ages. A tumbleweed blew past as Chuck Norris noticed Carousel Boutique’s windows were cracked and full of cobwebs. It was like the Wild West. Strange, it feels like… home, Chuck Norris thought as he strolled past an empty bakery, home of the Cakes and a Pie. Faint, stale scents of pastries wafted through the air, tickling his senses. He passed by an empty school, empty homes, an empty marketplace. Having passed by all these locations at least six times before left him… wary. Then the library loomed before him No. No, that can’t be right. Not at all. Chuck Norris dropped to his knees, slack-jawed. The multiverse’s greatest hero sat there, his mind attempting to process the sight before him. Grief clawed at his heart, threatening to tear out his lifeblood and soul. He fell over and caught himself with his palms, panting. Did I do this? Is this the result of my actions? Is this my fault? Chuck Norris looked up from his position, his sight turning blurry from the tears flowing down his cheeks. No, I can’t cry. I NEVER cry! The library before him was nothing more than a stump and ashes. Ponyville hadn’t been abandoned. It had been razed. Chuck Norris climbed to his feet, drained of his godly vitality, and stumbled forth. He passed by the town, noticing what he had missed before. Windows had been boarded shut, and broken by weapons and fire. He passed through the town, taking note of all the damage that had been caused indirectly by the blood on his hands, and stumbled to the outskirts of town. Fluttershy’s cottage was nothing but rubble. Chuck Norris kneeled down and sifted through it, but couldn’t find the body. Maybe she’s okay. Yeah, she’s just fine. Death would have told me if… Chuck Norris shook his head, not daring to finish the thought. He continued on his way, searching through the village for any life. He walked down a dirt path, passing by broken trees and rotten apples, and came to half a barn. Charred wood and rubble revealed it to be a lightning strike. Chuck Norris clenched his fists, wholly aware of pegasi and the weather. Someone… someone is going to pay. Chuck Norris growled and threw his head back. “You hear me! I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS!” His shout reverberated through the earth and heavens, shaking all of Equestria in a massive earthquake. Chuck Norris’s vision turned red as his veins ran with fire, snorting steam and stomping through the town’s wreckage. He was going to find who was responsible. And kill him. He ducked into a sprint, using every scent on his hunt. He jogged to Canterlot, following his sense of smell to the highest concentration of magic. He searched through marble wreckage, through the shattered castle halls, searching and searching for any life. The only thing he found that wasn’t completely destroyed was train, which was promptly hijacked. Chuck Norris rode the train, figuring it would lead to all notable, concentrated living places of ponies. He visited Appleloosa. Nothing. He climbed a rainbow to explore Cloudsdale. Nothing. He searched the Crystal Empire. Other than a crystal heart that radiated powerful magic, nothing. Chuck Norris finally stopped the train, weary. Having traveled all across Equestria, and coming up with nothing, he had grown tired. He sighed and stepped off the train, stretched his back, and then stared into the heart of the forest behind him. The Everfree Forest: the last, free, unexplored land. The last of the wild land, Chuck Norris thought, biting his lip in deep thought. How fitting. Chuck Norris broke into a light jog into the forest, passing by trees and moss. No animals stalked him, no birds sang, not a single living thing permeated the forest air. It was quiet. Too quiet. Slowing down to a casual walk, Chuck Norris came to a cavern bridge before a castle. An odd magic radiated from the castle walls, bringing a grimace to Chuck Norris’s face. He spat on the ground and stepped onto the bridge, sure that he had found what he was looking for. Snap! Quick as a jackrabbit, Chuck Norris sprinted across the bridge as each step broke in half. A mysterious force cut the ropes, felling the bridge. The foundation underneath fell, leaving Chuck Norris no other choice but to leap for the ledge. He flew through the air and barely made it, scrambling his hands on the dirt for leverage. Chuck Norris began to slide down, but unsheathed his knife and stabbed the hard earth. Secure and tight, he used the knife to pull himself up. He ran through the closing castle doors, shattering the wood like he was a living battering ram. He sprinted through the halls, jabbing and hooking every suit of armor that came to life to stop him. He slid to a stop at the end of a hall as an alicorn stallion statue came to life and snorted, pawing the ground and ready to charge. Chuck Norris quickly ended its short life with a swift side kick as it charged. The castle held many traps, and old magic enchanted inanimate objects to impede him, but Chuck Norris wasn’t stopping now. He was going to end the one behind this atrocity, even if it meant the end of Chuck Norris and this dying universe. “Finally,” Chuck Norris said as he came to a stop, a massive, scarlet door with black engravings in front of him. The engravings appeared to take the shape of a Chinese dragon made of smoke. The dragon appeared to be breathing fire smoke on a village of ponies, ponies screaming in terror. Chuck Norris clenched his fists. “Go time.” Instead of meeting with magical resistance, the door creaked open. Chuck Norris walked through, the door slowly shutting behind him. A chamber, Chuck Norris was inside a vast chamber. An empty chamber of… nothingness. “Well this is anticlimactic,” Chuck Norris deadpanned as he walked through the empty chamber. His footsteps echoed off the marble and stone, reverberating through the walls. The darkness seemed to retreat from him with each step, as if it was sentient and afraid of his power. A clap sounded through the silence. A slow, condescending clap. Chuck Norris froze, listening to the footsteps and applause approaching him from behind. Chuck Norris turned his body, moving slow and ready to fight. Black shoes, black pants, and bare abdomens stepped from the darkness. A man with dark hair laughed applauded. “Mister Norris! It is great to see you! I was wondering when you would finally arrive! Welcome to—” the man spread his arms, inviting a legion of stallions to creep out of the shadows, bearing their own necklaces “—Paradise.” Chuck Norris glared and scowled at the man. “Nice to see you again, Bruce.”
Return of the Pony."The night is darkest before the dawn..." Bruce Lee sneered. “Yes, Mister Norris, it is I. I’ve been expecting you,” he said, pausing to stroke a white, fluffy stallion that walked by. He walked past the pony and stood three paces from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris clenched his fists, taking note of the thirty ponies that surrounded him. Thirty Seventh Elements. Thirty foes to be defeated. “Why?” Chuck Norris asked, pushing down his burning rage. His gut was a furnace of fury, one that could not be stoked in such a tense situation. He knew he needed to stay in control. “Why did you… destroy Equestria? Why do you threaten the safety of an innocent universe? What could you possibly gain from this?” “The question is, Mister Norris,” Bruce Lee said, prancing toward Chuck Norris with steps as light as snow, “is what can’t I gain from this?” He leaned down and scratched a stallion behind the ears, causing it to slobber and moan in pleasure. “Using my own essence, I have fabricated and grown these ponies to become the strongest in the universe. The ones you’ve faced were only the prototypes. They have become stronger, Mister Norris, and you are no match for them.” “But that doesn’t answer my question!” Chuck Norris roared, stomping his feet and shaking the ancient castle. “Why are you doing this? Why? Bruce Lee chuckled. “You see, Mister Norris, I’ve always been a little enamored for Equestria. All those pretty ponies and riches for the taking!” Bruce Lee raised his fists into the air, as if he was milking an invisible cow. “But those… those fools! The Powers That Be have always messed things up! They give these ponies artifacts of immense power, but do not teach them how to wield it properly! But I!” Bruce Lee jogged forward, petting his ponies and stroking their manes. “But I have molded their power and given them a will of their own! To make their own destiny, instead of being told what to do with it!” “And what gives you that right?” Chuck Norris challenged, stepping away as Bruce Lee approached, holding his arms out as if he was going to hug Chuck Norris. “What gives me the right? What gives ME the right?” Bruce Lee cackled, his eyes rolling in their sockets. “Oh, how I LOVE the irony! Chuck Norris, who roundhouse kicks people for asking the time! Chuck Norris, who extorts his friends and makes fun of them just because they can’t have his soul. Chuck Norris, who cheats in poker and gets away with it because he’s the tough guy! Chuck Norris, who decided to lecture someone else about abusing their power!” Bruce Lee bowed, to the stomping applause of his ponies. Chuck Norris couldn’t take it anymore. Smack! Chuck Norris grunted as Bruce Lee squeezed his caught fist, a wicked smirk on his face. Bruce Lee tilted his head. “So, Mister Norris, it seems that you do not quite understand the—Predicament. You. Face.” Bruce Lee annunciated each word with a tightening of his grip, turning Chuck Norris’s vision red with pain and rage. It wasn’t a feeling—pain, sheer unadulterated pain—that Chuck Norris was used to. It was quite alien. “Kiai! Bruce Lee shouted, charging his ki through Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris yelped in pain and collapsed to his knees, his arm smoking. Bruce Lee stepped away, admiring his handiwork. “Excellent. I see I still stand as the most powerful being in the multiverse. I’ve killed you once, Mister Norris, and I’ll do it again. Maybe Death will do his job this time.” Chuck Norris grunted as he made his way back to his feet. “Y-you’ll never get away with this…” He gasped in pain, holding onto his burnt arm. A dragon-patterned scar was engraved on his forearm: Bruce Lee’s sigil. “Oh Mister Norris,” Bruce Lee said with a giggle as he raised his hand with his thumb and a finger pinched together, “I already have.” Snap! The Seventh Elements attacked. Time slowed down to a crawl as Chuck Norris grasped onto his inner focus. He closed his eyes to the sounds of growling and roaring stallions, focusing only on his inner energy. Just like Grandmaster Buddha said. Now is not the time to use teeth and rage, nor time to make coffee. It is time to focus on what matters, and come out strong. It’s time to release… the real Chuck Norris. A cool current ran through his blood, calming the flames of rage. Chuck Norris opened his eyes. He twisted his torso as he grabbed onto the barrel of a flying pegasus, tossing him into the side and reaching for his knife in one fluid motion. He unsheathed it, then brought back his fist and backhanded an oncoming unicorn, digging the knife into his neck. Without wasting a beat, Chuck Norris cut the knife out and spun, taking out two opposite ponies with a simultaneous sidekick and left jab. Time froze as his senses flared up. Chuck Norris spread his legs and sank into the splits, bringing his hands up to slam two launched ponies together. He placed his hands on the ground and pushed himself, rolling back to dodge a magic blast in the nick of time. Chuck Norris stood onto his two feet and assumed a fighting stance, bringing his fists to his chest. His elegant roll and placed all his opponents to his front, leaving him able to focus. The air around him charged with energy; it became tense enough that only his roundhouse kick could cut through it. His eyes flicked back and forth, scanning the oncoming crowd. Thirty, no, forty. No wait, fifty Seventh Elements! He furrowed his brow and smirked. Seventh Elements, prepare to meet the Texas Ranger. Information was received—action time. He leaped forward and kicked his legs forward, diving into a slide through the crowd. He unholstered his SMGs and fired into the crowd, clearing space and scattering the ranks. Confusion was his friend. He spun his leg out in a sweep kick, tripping the stragglers. A swift spin-roundhouse kick put them out of commission. He flicked his wrist back and took out another with his knife without even turning to look. Chuck Norris smiled. Chuck Norris was back. He roundhouse kicked! He punched! He jabbed! He hooked! He spin-kicked, side-kicked, front-kicked, back-kicked! Stallions, ponies, Seventh Elements fell to each and every powerful strike! Sonic booms echoed and shook the room with each contact as Chuck Norris charged every strike with his very soul and fighting spirit. Chuck Norris was unstoppable! He jumped as two ponies flew toward him. He twisted his body, preparing both feet to strike for a dragon ki— “That’s enough!” Bruce Lee shouted as he grabbed Chuck Norris’s boot in a split-second hold. Before the living legend could react, Bruce Lee twisted his fist with a ki charge, spiraling Chuck Norris and throwing him across the chamber. Chuck Norris fell to the ground with a harsh crack, leaving a crumbling crater on the castle ground. Chuck Norris struggled to his feet, the ki surging through his body and sapping his strength. His vision blurred, the ground shifting as his sense of balance spun out. Inner focus is hard… when you don’t have any focus. Chuck Norris collapsed to his knees. His fist pushed against the ground, but not even all his will could bring the titan to his feet. “No no no, nobody uses my signature kick,” Bruce Lee said as he paced in front of Chuck Norris, his pony mimicries waiting at his beck and call. He reached into his martial arts sweatpants and pulled out a single shuriken, sparkling with gold electricity. Bruce Lee examined it, his smirk turning into a gleeful grimace. “A single weapon, one of a kind, and the only one that can finally kill you. A shuriken made of my own, pure ki. Goodbye, Mister Norris,” Bruce Lee said with a dismissal wave. Bruce Lee flicked his wrist and sent it flying. Chuck Norris closed his eyes, gracefully accepting defeat. Shink! Chuck Norris heard the ki-metal hit metal, no doubt his iron-hard skin. He waited for it to dig into his neck, to tear out his arteries, to finally end the legend of Chuck Norris. He waited for the life beyond. Death. Anything. None came. Chuck Norris, impatiently embracing his end, opened his eyes. A shocking sight awaited him. In front of his eyes was the scythe of Death itself, struck into the ground. Death stood before Chuck Norris, blocking the final blow with his own weapon. His block complete, Death twisted his wrists and elegantly spun the scythe into both hands, taking a battle stance with his dark weapon. Death turned his skull and nodded at Chuck Norris. ”I said there was a way we could help. Now here it is.” Chuck Norris panted and shook his head. “No, you don’t understand! They’re too powerful, even for me! Run, Death. Run!” “I believe Death, my friend, said ‘we,’” a silky voice called from the shadows. Lucifer walked out from the retreating darkness, brandishing his dual-skulled soul-magnums. He lifted them up and assumed a secret agent pose. “Lucifer, Lord of Hell, at your service.” Bruce Lee laughed, placing his hands on his hips. “I defeat Chuck Norris, and his only backup are his lackeys! Seventh Elements, prepare to—” “Who said they were alone?” a female voice called from opening scarlet doors. Chuck Norris’s heart skipped a beat, recognizing the sound of someone—no, somepony familiar. Fluttershy and her five friends trotted into the room, meeting the leers of the many stallions. Each of the girls brandished their own uniform and belt of different colors. Only Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash wore black, taking the lead of the group. “F-Fluttershy?” Chuck Norris stuttered, finally catching his wind and rising to his feet. “I-I t-thought—” “I would never leave you behind, Mister Chuck Norris,” Fluttershy said with a small blush. “Everypony went into hiding as soon as Discord uncovered Mister Lee’s plans, and we bided our time until you would aid us. You’re quite famous, even in our universe. Understandably so, once I absorbed the memories of my tangent echoes.” Fluttershy pawed the ground, smiling. “Enough talk!” Rainbow Dash shouted, leering at nearby stallions. “I am sick of being forced to, ugh, fall in love with these weirdoes!” Rarity silent agreed behind her. “Now let’s kick some flank!” Bruce Lee roared and jumped kicked toward Rainbow Dash, before anyone could react. Smack! “Not today, fool!” Mr. T blocked Bruce Lee’s kick and shoved forward with his bling-fueled strength. Bruce Lee fell backward in the air, curled into a ball, and landed on the ground in a balanced back-stance. “Mr. T?” Chuck Norris asked as Mr. T helped him join his group of allies. “What are you doing here?” Mr. T grinded his teeth. “Homeys called me as soon as they heard ‘bout fools messing up the place. So I called a couple homeys to help out.” “A friend in need is a friend indeed. Call me crazy, but not too crazy.” “Someone called for the best gun-slinger ‘round these parts?” Chuck Norris blinked and beamed at his friends. “Jackie Chan? Clint Eastwood?” “Ah, but don’t forget the most divine of us all,” a wise, ancient voice called from the reopening door. Everyone in the room, including Bruce Lee, paused to stare at the majestic figure. Everyone stared, slack-jawed. “Morgan Freeman?!” “That’s right, my children.” Morgan Freeman bowed, donned in his white robes. He peered at Chuck Norris and smiled. “I believe that we, so you say, have some ass to smite.” Bruce Lee sprinted forward and shouted, “Seventh Elements, attack!” Before even a single pony could paw forward, Mr. T stepped forward. “Mr. T don’t think so, fools!” Mr. T roared as he punched the ground, fissuring the chamber and blasting the crowd away with a sonic blast. Mr. T, winded, turned to Chuck Norris. “You better get your white ass moving and take care of that fool, fool. Mr. T and friends will handle the weak uns.” Chuck Norris nodded as the ponies behind him cheered and charged. Chuck Norris followed. Bruce Lee threw a right hook at Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris blocked. Bruce Lee twisted his hips and back-kicked, only for Chuck Norris to duck and counter with a swift roundhouse kick. Bruce Lee stumbled back, only to be blasted again with a kick. Another kick. Another kick! Bruce Lee shook his head and prepared to counter Chuck Norris’s kick, but a magic bolt to the face pushed him back. Bruce Lee recovered, only to take Applejack’s buck to the back of the knee. Rainbow Dash punched his throat, to Liam Neeson’s (who had just shown up and was shooting evil ponies left and right) approval. Bruce Lee spat blood, just before Rarity flew through the air and roundhouse kicked him in the jaw. Bruce Lee stumbled back to the onslaught of the true Elements of Harmony. He fell to a single knee, panting as the five crept toward him. In a single moment of desperation, he slammed his palms onto the ground and released a ki shockwave, blasting the Elements of Harmony back. Not even winded, they merely slid back, still on their hooves. Chuck Norris confidently strutted past them, pausing only to nod his thanks to Twilight Sparkle. “Give up, Bruce, you’ve lost,” Chuck Norris said as he kneeled in front of Bruce Lee. He placed his hand on Bruce Lee’s shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. “Please, just let it go.” “Can’t hold me back anymore,” Bruce Lee wheezed. “You can’t hold me back anymore!” He shot back to his feet, causing a ki-blast to push Chuck Norris onto his back. Bruce Lee panted as his aura turned visible, a golden shroud of pure ki. “All I wanted to do was make my own Equestria! Filled with my own version of Elements to live up to the pony’s true potential! I was going to succeed where the Powers That Be failed!” Bruce Lee whipped out a knife from his black sweatpants and skulked toward Chuck Norris. Everyone in the room, including the deviant Seventh Elements, froze as the aura of fear corrupted their hearts. Chuck Norris scuttled backward on his ass, only for Bruce Lee to stomp on his foot. Hard. “Goodbye, Mister Norris,” Bruce Lee cackled as he raised the knife above his head with both hands. “Prepare for your final curta—” “I DON’T THINK SO!” Fluttershy roared as she intercepted the falling knife. She took Bruce Lee’s wrists in her hoofs, hovering above the ground with her buzzing wings, and struggled against his strength. The knife vibrated in their struggle, and slowly but surely rose in the air. With a grunt and a twist, Fluttershy knocked it out of his hands. Bruce Lee charged and wrapped his arms around Fluttershy, intended to grapple and destroy the filly. He bit off more than he could chew, which Chuck Norris soon discovered. Fluttershy deftly avoided his arms with a ballerina twist, flapped her wings to drop a foot, repositioned her hoofs and grabbed onto Bruce Lee’s shoulders, and flipped over. Bruce Lee promptly flew into the air and onto the ground, without a chance to even recover. Bruce Lee struggled to his knees. He repeatedly snapped his fingers, commanding the remainder of his Seventh Elements to his side. He pointed to Fluttershy. “Destroy. That. Mare!” Fluttershy waved her mane, a confident smile on her face. “I don’t think so, boys.” The flowery scent of her mane fluttered through the air, permeating the atmosphere with lilacs and daisies. Fluttershy lowered her head and stuck out her bottom lip, pouting. “Boys, big mean Brucie is bullying me… please teach him a lesson?” Bruce Lee snorted. “What could that possibly—” “Yes Fluttershy,” the legion of Seventh Elements chanted. They leaped onto Bruce Lee, forming a doggie pile of overpowered Elemental force. Bruce Lee tossed and punched and elbowed and kneed his creations, but the weight of the false stallions pushed him down, pinning him to the ground. Bruce Lee roared and roared, but not a single Element could save him from his own doing. He managed to free an arm, pushing the Seventh Elements off him. He rose, his hair turning blonde as he burnt Seventh Element after Seventh Element off of him. He roared and raised his joined open palms together, charging a ki attack to— Chuck Norris and Fluttershy, their minds and hearts in sync, put an end to Bruce Lee with joint roundhouse kicks to his forehead. A resounding smack blasted through the atmosphere. Bruce Lee fell to the ground, unconscious. Death, his approach unhindered by the equally unconscious Seventh Elements, waved his hand over Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee’s weakened soul, a tiny yellow orb, floated out of his chest. Death silently retrieved his soul satchel and placed Bruce Lee’s soul into it, then turned to the crowd and raised the satchel above his head. The crowd cheered. It was over. Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood hugged. Jackie Chan and Mr. T high-fived. The true Elements of Harmony cuddled and giggled in cheer. Pinkie Pie bounced around and fired her party cannon, tossing confetti into the air and laughing as jolly as could be. Chuck Norris smiled. It’s over. It’s finally— A tap on his shoulder interrupted his thoughts. He turned his head, only to have his vision filled with bright blue eyes. A warm, moist pair of lips met his own. Surprised, shocked, and silently overjoyed, Chuck Norris embraced Fluttershy and swung her low to the ground, deepening the kiss into something worth celebrating. Everyone cheered for the new couple. The day had been won. Not by Chuck Norris, nor by sheer power. But by the power of friendship. Author's Note There shall be a prologue and epilogue, but the story is now complete! Thank you for the journey!
