Impossible Appocalypse

Meteor Strike On The Crystal Palace Proclaimed To Not Be Sombran In Origin!

Ponies all over the Crystal Empire Rejoice! Last week's meteor strike has finally been decreed to not be first stage in a final attack by Sombra.

We of the Courier can safely say that this conclusion was not reached hastily. Ever since the Palace was hit, platoons of scientists have been turning over the rock for traces of magic, the military relocated the heart to a safer location, and our Princess and Prince raised the shield.

Nothing but the expected background radiation was found on the rock, its composition was "plain and boring," and not a single soldier has gone missing. The heart itself saw so little action that Princess Cadence didn't even bother throwing another festival. Clinching the decision was the final report of the engineers inspecting the damage done to the Crystal Palace. It is with great joy that we relay their exact findings.

"We, The Crystal Palace Repair Committee, do pronounce the Crystal Palace to be stable enough to begin repairs. We expect a near if not full recovery for our historic landmark." Unfortunately, we must also confer some bad news. "The evacuated areas of the capital must remain so until the repairs are complete. The operation will be delicate, and we can't afford hoof steps to resonate with the Crystal pillar until the repairs are complete."

Princess Cadence's decree closing the debate on the meteor's possible Sombran origins also addressed this issue. "While the repairs are underway, residents of the evacuated areas will be given a stipend to cover housing, and a tax relief to last until their businesses can open again." She later goes on in more detail, "the stipend won't cover renting housing matching that of your current home, but we have secured discounts with several villages and hotels in Equestria along the rail line."

To find out more about the stipend, see page C3 for full details.

Doctors report major breakthroughs in Minelung research! Parents rejoice!

In another heart lifting announcement, the Equestrian and Imperial co-research group published reports revealing major discoveries in treating Minelung disease. Volunteer test subjects have reported increased lung capacity, softer breathes, and a decrease in Minelung attacks. Researches predict a cure to be available in one year at the maximum.

The treatment plan currently favored involves binding a thaumaturgical agent to the mine dust that unicorn doctors have a easier time finding for teleportation. So far, no colt or filly receiving the treatment has died. Parents are already trying to get their children on the waiting list to volunteer to try the treatme-

*A tap on your shoulder drags you away from your reading. The shop owner is looking at you. expectantly. The you've already read the interesting stuff, but you are embarrassed enough to pay him for it anyway. With a sigh, you tuck it into your bags for later reading.*