Impossible Appocalypse

CELESTIA'S REACTION TO STAR STRIKE WORRYING!

Celestia decreed today that the evacuated "residents" of the insignificant Cliff's Edge Suburb would reside on government land. Citizens are shocked and appalled, for this not only wastes taxpayers money on dirty selfish no ponies, but it is a direct rejection of Prince Blueblood's fair and "economical" offer to house the residents for a "fair and reasonable fee."

To our further shock, Celestia chose the palace itself as the housing location, without separating out the dirty homosexuals or poor! Good ponies attempting to bring forth petitions have already been seen leaving because of the smell! Surely Celestia can see that our country is going to fall apart if ponies who matter can't have their needs addressed!

"Experts" predict that reinforcing the cliff will take up to three months, THREE MONTHS! This is obviously a ploy by Celestia to laze about and not address the needs of the real ponies. The cliff doesn't need reinforcing at all! We should send those filthy beggars packing and let their dirty little suburb fall off of Canterlot!

Canterlot needs a cleaning out! All these dirty poor, useless uppity middle class "citizens," and especially the blaspheming, perverted homosexuals, we should send them all packing! We should thank Nightmare a Moon for reminding us that we don't have to take such indignity as sharing our city with these non-ponies! All Faust fearing ponies should unite to- (page B3)

Celestia Rejects Law Forbidding Homosexual Perversity, Blueblood's Furious!

Real ponies are in uproar as Celestia refuses to execute filthy homosexuals. It is obvious that she has lost her connection to Faust! We...

*The rest of the paper is unreadable, and stinks faintly of fecal matter. You toss it away in realization and disgust.*