Backstory: My Required Explanation
WARNING: Do not read if you have any issues/sensitivity to:
Depression
Cutting
Attempted suicide
Sex
Cheating
I have warned you.
I never thought it would happen. I’ve read about at least a million love scenarios, seen hundreds of romantic plays, and even written my own stories. But after years and years of wanting it, and admiring so many ponies from afar, I never once considered that I could actually acquire it.
When I was a foal, I liked one stallion above all others, who I had met at Celestia’s school. I didn’t even know what love was back then. All I knew was that he was flawless. He wasn’t a total nerd like me, but then again not a total jock like Big Brother was. Thinking back now, I remember that, though I didn’t find it nearly as important back then, he had a fantastic body. He wasn’t studying magic at the school, though. His dad was a Royal Guard, so he was training to be one too. I actually saw him recently…
His name… was Flash Sentry.
On Hearts and Hooves Day, when we were in 6th grade, I found out that my friend Trixie liked him too. She had sent him a note that asked which one of us she liked more. Trixie gave him the note in a class only they shared. I later found out that he had rejected not just Trixie, but me as well. Trixie became angry and pushed him, which became a fight. I was told it was just self-defense. Trixie had retained a huge concussion in the fight, and was deemed too dangerous to keep around. She was expelled. I didn’t think it was an act of self-defense.
From Middle School on I didn’t love colts, I didn’t like colts, I wouldn’t talk to colts, I wouldn’t even talk to mares if they were around colts, with the exception of my BBBFF and my dad. To shut everyone out, I read. I would read and read and study and study. All my assignments were turned in on time and my grades were perfect. I learned a spell that erased all my memories of Trixie and of Flash Sentry. The only reason I remember all that is because when Trixie came to Ponyville, so did all those memories I’d thought I’d destroyed. But once that happened, I spent less time reading and more time admiring. When I would read, it would be romance novels, some even X rated. I have the biggest collection of mare-on-mare sexual novels anywhere.
I would… “shop around,” I guess you might say with mares. Crushing on them from afar, talking to them and enjoying their presence, but never acting on my feelings. Then next week another mare catches my eye and I feel like I like them. Usually this would bounce between Rarity and Ms. Cherrilee, but occasionally I’d see somepony and start to like them more than I should. I never did anything about my crush on either of them, of course, and it made me depressed. That depression then got worse, and I made a huge mistake.
Pinkie saw I was down one night when she came to get a book on cake recipes, so she invited me to this huge party. I bumped into a mare named Vinyl Scratch there, and despite our conflicting personalities, I fell horn-over-hooves in love with her. We ended up hanging out a lot, and we seemed to get along, but it still surprised me when she asked me out. When she did, I was so shocked that I jumped her and kissed her on the spot. I couldn’t help it, I was just so happy. But it ended up being a good thing I did, because it immediately led to first base.
I wanted to go further; I was high on my natural heat and the ecstasy of the moment, but she said she got the feeling that if she took my virginity away now, I’d regret it forever. We dated for five months, but we only went on one date. I’d see her after her shows, but they weren’t dates. On the day that marked 5 months with her, I went over to her house. I wanted to spend the day with my beautiful marefriend. I approached her home, and the door was unlocked. As soon as I opened it, I could hear loud moaning coming from what I knew was her bedroom. I thought she must have been masturbating and that I was going to surprise her by walking in and that it’d turn into sex, just like 90% of all the clopfics I’ve ever read.
But you can’t trust what you read.
I walked into her bedroom, and she’s on her bed, riding some colt I didn’t even recognize, her pussy stuffed full of his cock. It was obvious neither of them heard me approach, and Vinyl had her eyes closed so she hadn’t seen me. Obviously the colt hadn’t seen me either or he would have stopped, or at least notified Vinyl of my presence. I was speechless; no words could describe my feelings at the time.
For a few minutes, all I could do was watch. My mind had been completely shattered. My muzzle wasn’t even open, I was just staring. Then I heard the most horrible words I could have ever heard in that situation: The colt started to shout “I’m cumming!” over and over and over, and I could only watch as my marefriend was filled up with his sticky white cum, which was spilling out of her and onto her bed.
It was then that the tears came, and oh did they come rapidly. My marefriend was cheating on me with some cheap whore. My tears stung my eyes, then quickly fogged my vision and blinded me. “You… You’re cheating on me! With a whore!” I had shouted. “No! I… I was in heat, and I needed… I needed sex…” Her voice trailed off. She knew there was no excuse for her behavior.
“Fuck you! From the moment we got together, you knew I’d love to give you everything! I loved you, and trusted you, and you do this to me?! I bet you don’t even know what today is, you bitch!” The stallion I didn’t recognize at this point slid out from under Vinyl and immediately took his leave. Vinyl got up and walked to me, though I didn’t realize any of that until she wiped the tears from my eyes. I had been betrayed, my soul felt like an empty oblivion.
“Twiley…?” She whispered. “I’m sorry…”
Even if Starswirl the Bearded himself conjured a truth potion and gave it to her and she still said the same thing, I’d have not believed her. Part of me even now doesn’t believe her. “No… No! You bitch! Today marked 5 months of us being together! That means that by now we should have trust. Not just trusting that we’re telling each other the truth, but sexual trust as well. I should have been able to trust you weren’t cheating on me with anypony else! And more importantly I should’ve been able to trust that you weren’t whoring yourself around, fucking anypony who came by! I-I loved you! Y-you were m-my e-e-everything…”
Tears rained down again, but this time it was like a clearing rain. I slapped her as hard as I could and then ran. I heard calls of my name, but I didn’t stop until I was back in my own home. As I ran, unbeknownst to me, I had passed Fluttershy who had called out to me, but I hadn't heard. Nothing mattered to me. Spike saw I was upset but I shut him out. I ended up sending him to live with Fluttershy; I had no intentions of talking to anypony ever again.
Within a week, my depression had reached its peak. I’d heard of many forms of dealing with depression, but one I was always curious about started to call to me the most. I grabbed a knife from the kitchen, one that was kind of dull but sharp enough to do damage. I smiled at the knife; I knew it would do its job well. I laid down on the floor and started to drag the knife against my stomach: Sure enough, it opened a wound and soon blood was flowing slowly but surely out of my body. Ever since I started dating Vinyl, I’d started getting creative with my masturbating just in case we ever got into any freaky stuff, but none of what I’d done ever came close to the arousal that came with that knife. I drag the knife against me again, and this time a small moan escaped my muzzle.
“Yes…” I moaned, cutting again and again into myself. Cutting became a regular activity and soon it was so arousing I could reach three or four orgasms in a day. 10 days after the break up, I got my worst hit of depression yet. I had a huge longing to get back together with Vinyl, and in my hazy depressed state I started to carve the words “Vinyl Scratch” on my body. Luckily, I didn’t make it past the “n” before my first orgasm. That orgasm woke me up from my horrible dream-like state that was my depression. I was horrified; I’d never gone that far before. I swore off cutting forever, and through sheer willpower I was able to pull myself out of my depression.
Well, not completely. As completely outrageous as it sounds, I was still looking for love. I would get depressed on and off about it, but it wasn’t a huge deal until just recently when it became the biggest deal in my life. I was almost literally throwing myself at everyone, until one night...
I had just finished dinner, so I decided to take a walk. I was out for about an hour when I saw her: Fluttershy was against a wall, crying. I’d approached her and using all of the courage I could muster, I talked to her. I always thought Fluttershy was cute, but I never really considered whether or not I had a crush on her, or that she would have a crush on me. But I was wrong. So very wrong. Fluttershy told me about how Angel had died this weekend, and that she didn’t even realize it for a whole day. I started to try and comfort her, but soon she got upset and left. She had said that she didn’t want me to get even more depressed because of her. I tried to call her back, but she was already gone.
From that point on, all I could think about was her. Her and nopony else. To say that I liked her was a complete lie. To say that I loved her was also not entirely true. It was a fierce, primal desire. Not lustful, at least not totally lustful. Just primal. Only she mattered to me. I forgot about my previous crushes; nothing else compared to this. Just the thought of her sent such a pure warmth through my body. Fluttershy was my soul mate.
For the next week, all that I thought of was her 24/7, day and night. I prayed to my dear friend Princess Luna every night, and every night she blessed me with dreams of Fluttershy. Some were cute and endearing, some not so much, but every single one worth remembering. When I would see Fluttershy around town, I’d look away from her and a hot blush would color my cheeks red. Even when I would study, she would invade my mind. Soon I couldn’t study at all. I don’t even know how I managed to fix Starswirl’s spell while in this state, but I did. Then I became princess.
At first, I was overjoyed. Of course I was. My brother was a Prince, now I was a Princess. But then I realized: I would outlive all of my friends. Even Fluttershy. At first I mourned for what would one day be a reality, but then I realized if I was to outlive all my friends, including my most beloved friend, then I must spend every day with her. I would go over to her house almost every day. I learned to care for animals just as she did. When she would get alone or depressed, I’d be there for her. Soon it was obvious to everypony how much I cared for her and loved her. My other friends would confront me about it many times, asking when I’d ask her out, but I always said I was just waiting for the right time.
It wasn’t a lie either, I just didn’t feel like I needed to ask her out yet. Fluttershy obviously cared about me and I didn’t have any real reason to ask her to be my marefriend. I wasn’t even sure she was a filly fooler. Well, that is, until one day…
I went over to her house. Fluttershy had invited me over for lunch. It was no surprise, as this had become a normal occurrence over the past 3 months we had become so much closer. I knocked on the door but I got no reply. Instead, the door slowly creaked open. Immediately I could sense something was wrong.
...Where was Fluttershy?
Author's Note
Well that's it for now. I promise the next chapter will come out fairly soon. Hopefully, assuming I survive until the weekend. Sorry about the terrible cliffhanger, I just desperately needed to post something new. So for now... Enjoy, and don't forget to give me feedback!
If you haven't read Chapter 1 yet, go back and do that. Otherwise a lot of this won't make sense (also there is a necessary warning there so that too.) Otherwise, you may continue to Chapter 2 of my story.
A thick scent was filling the air. I recognized the smell; I could recognize it anywhere. Immediately I called out: “Fluttershy, Fluttershy where are you?!” Tears clouded my vision, but I quickly wiped them away and ran in the direction the metallic scent was coming from. I ran upstairs, and, almost as though I had teleported, I found myself standing in front of the door to Fluttershy’s room. For a split second it seemed rude to intrude; I knew what was happening, but then my sense of urgency took over and I used my magic to force the door open.
To this day, the sight that was awaiting me in that room still shakes me to my core. A small pool of blood. A knife, not far away, just as deep a scarlet color as the pool on the floor. And Fluttershy, beloved Fluttershy, in the center. Her eyes were closed, and her body was curled up as though she was just taking a short nap.
But her body was all wrong. Her wings were violently torn where they connected to the body. It was almost as though she may have tried to cut off her wings. She also had deep gashes in her forelegs, and blood was seeping out. It was impressive to me that she was able to harm herself in such a violent matter.
She always has been a fragile little mare…
I didn’t even want to imagine what pain she had to have felt to do so much harm to herself. Tears filled my eyes once again, but I quickly wiped my eyes to keep my vision clear.
I used a spell I learned, ironically because of Fluttershy, to try and return all her lost blood back into her body. “Come on,” I whispered, “Come on, come on come on come on!” It took a few tries, as the spell was usually meant for smaller creatures, but it eventually worked. I then used a mending spell to close her self-inflicted wounds and reconnect the tendons torn at the base of her wings. I carefully levitated her onto her bed and watched her still body for a few moments, not even daring to breathe, lest it reopen her wounds and Fluttershy die before me.
Then, slowly, miraculously, Fluttershy opened her beautiful cyan eyes. She blinked one, two, three times, as though she was unable to process the sight in front of her. Suddenly, tears started spilling from her eyes, and she leapt from her bed, shoving me away and grabbing her knife in her hoof. She was about to cut herself again, but before she could I grabbed the knife in my magical grip and shouted loudly: “STOP!” Fluttershy continued to struggle against me, sobbing loudly as she did, but I was able to pull it away from her and toss the bloody blade aside.
“Enough! Fluttershy, what is the matter with you?!”
Immediately her eyes widened, and then she shook her head and mumbled mindlessly to herself over and over, the tears not stopping for a second. Only then did I realize how harsh I sounded, and I switched to a kinder, much more sympathetic tone.
“Oh my, I-I’m sorry Fluttershy…” I walked over to her and sat down, wrapping a foreleg around her, neither of us aware that we were sitting where her pool of blood had lain. Her sobbing and moaning continued for a good while, perhaps an hour, though it didn’t feel like such a long time.
Finally, she spoke: “W-Why did you h-help me…? I want to be dead… next time… let me die…”
I looked at her with a firm expression and said, “There won’t be a ‘next time.’ Fluttershy, why would you do that to yourself?”
“I just told you,” She said stubbornly, “because I want to die.”
“But… why do you want to die?” I asked.
“Because…” She says. “because life is meaningless to me!” She shouted. “Do you have any idea what it’s like never talking to anypony, not having any pony companions all your life?!”
“Actually yes, I do. I know exactly how that feels. But you didn’t have nopony. Wasn’t Rainbow Dash your friend in Flight School?” Fluttershy frowns and says, “Well, yes, but I wasn’t her friend… she just kept me around for a good laugh… And speaking of Flight School, you know how well that turned out!” Fluttershy points her hoof at the blade. “I don’t need wings because I don’t use wings. I’m such a terrible flier, it’s just another failure added onto my life, so I might as well get rid of them.”
“Okay, I understand those feelings a lot more than you think. But I still don’t think you’re telling me the truth about why you did all this. Why did you try to do this?”
Fluttershy’s cheeks turned almost as pink as her mane at this. “But… I am telling the truth, I swear!”
“And I believe you,” I said, “but you aren’t telling me the whole truth. Am I correct?”
Fluttershy sighed. “Yes, okay, you may be a little right…”
“So what’s bothering you?” I asked.
“Um… well I, uh… You see…”
I moved closer to the shy pegasus, raising her head and looking deep into her eyes, those beautiful cyan eyes, which, like an ocean, could go on forever. “It’s okay, Fluttershy,” I whispered, “You can tell me.” Fluttershy’s muzzle started to quiver. “I promise, Fluttershy. You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you. Nothing you could say would ever make me want you dead. You mean too much to me.”
Then suddenly, in this moment, I knew. I could feel the heat on my face and from her body as well. But my heart must have been playing tricks on me; cruel tricks, trying to make me hurt, and I longed to be back in my own home. Suddenly all this was a mistake. I longed to be back home, alone, my own knife in my grip and cutting into my own flesh, blood spilling out. I wanted nothing more than to slice open my own body, and just wait for Death’s kind hooves to take me away from this wretched plane where I could do nothing but let my pathetic heart control my mortal body.
All these thoughts passed in only a few seconds, but the horrid plague vanished even faster than it came when I heard Fluttershy’s next words. She then immediately stood up and turned away.
“I-I’m sorry, Fluttershy. What did you say?” Surely I misheard her.
She squeaked and shrinked back. “Oh, please don’t make me say it again…”
“Please… Fluttershy, surely my hearing isn’t good… What was it you said just now?”
Fluttershy’s body started to shake violently as though she had been caught in her own personal snowstorm. She turned her head around, and her gaze reminded me of the gaze Spike had when peering into Sombra’s enchanted doorway which showed one’s greatest fears. Perhaps Fluttershy’s worst fear was about to come true, or even came true just then before me.
“I… I-I-I… I’m a filly fooler… and… I…” Fresh tears and sobs exploded from the shy pony in front of me. “Princess Twilight,” She explained in an unnaturally loud voice I had never heard her emit before.
“I-I love you, Princess Twilight!”
All the color drained from my face. She gasped, realizing what she had done, and she turned away from me, though I could still see her tears dripping onto the floor and her body convulsing, her loud sobs echoing throughout the room. “You must hate me now, don’t you?” Her voice had returned to her normal whisper. I shook my head, but I realized she couldn’t see me do so.
“Fluttershy…” I called to her gently.
“No! I-I know you h-hate me now, so just l-leave!”
“Fluttershy.”
“No!”
“Fluttershy! Just please turn around!”
But she shook her head, and I knew there would be no convincing her. So, using every ounce of my magical reserve, I held her in place. I could feel her every body movement, and it was terrifying but it somehow felt good. I walked up to her, and looked into her eyes.
I was captivated by her eyes; the tears that didn’t reach the floor but instead rolled down her face, down her body, and just stuck there, trapped by my magic. “Everything will be okay, Fluttershy. Because everything is okay.” I said quietly.
My head was pounding, my heart beating rapidly. I knew this was the moment I had been waiting for all this time.
Then, just as I felt my magic finally fully deplete, I closed my eyes, leaned in and pressed our muzzles together. Her lips tasted odd, almost metallic, and I knew it was her blood I was tasting. I had the feeling other ponies would have been disgusted at this, but I, a self-harmer myself, knew the taboo temptation of drinking one’s own blood. It was good, it even allowed me to revisit a pleasure I thought I’d lost permanently.
I reopened my eyes, and it felt as though rather than just returning to reality, I had actually fallen asleep and was now in some fantastic dream-scape. I could still feel Fluttershy’s warm, delicious lips pressed against mine, but everything else seemed too fantastic for reality. As my magical grip on her body dispersed, it seemed to break into small glimmering pieces which filled the air around us, starting at our muzzles and travelling down her body. Her pupils were tiny, as though they perhaps were trying to move away from the shocking scene they were taking in. Her cheeks were a cute rosy color, and I couldn’t help but caress her cheek with delicate care. As I did, I noticed her wings go up slowly, until they stood fully erect. It wasn’t until this time that I realized that my wings too were fully erect, as though we both were eager for flight.
My brain went numb, and I started to move forward, kissing her cheek, and then her neck, then leaning closer and gently stroking her wing. “Ahhh…” She moaned seductively. I lightly nibbled her ear, continuing to stroke her wing, until she said. “Ah, Twi… I’m… Ahhh…”
My eyes returned to her face, and I noticed that now her entire face was turned a beautiful scarlet color from her blushing. I blushed too, perhaps even fiercer than Fluttershy did, and slowly backed away. I shied back and giggled sheepishly. “Um… Sorry Fluttershy…”
Fluttershy smiled gently back at me and said, “Oh, it was… um… It’s okay, Princess. I… I liked it… You don’t have to stop if you don’t want to…”
I laughed some more. “Fluttershy, you know you don’t need to use my title. You’re my friend, you can call me Twilight! And I would continue, but… I think we might be moving a little too fast for the first day of our relationship, aren’t we?” Then I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, and I realized I even surprised myself.
I always figured after such a long period of loneliness, and, I’ll just say it, lack of sexual interactions with another pony, I thought I would immediately jump into sex the moment I could. But here was Fluttershy, pretty much saying I could go that far with her, and I turned her down. It wasn’t stupid to me, but for sure it was something I would come to regret and dwell on during the next few weeks, wondering, if we had had sex then, would our relationship have changed at all? Nopony will ever know…
“…Twilight..?” Fluttershy asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Do you… really love me..? Even after you saw…” She shuddered, “That..?”
I gently nuzzled her cheek and whispered, “Of course. You’re the most beautiful pony in the world, and I only wish I had admitted my feelings to you sooner so you wouldn’t have done such a terrible thing to yourself.”
“I love you, Princess Twilight.”
I smiled contently as a tear slowly, gently left my eye.
“I love you too, Fluttershy.”
Author's Note
So, Chapter 2 is complete. Took long enough, right? Sorry for the late upload, mom was being annoying and there were some... complications... But none of that matters now, because it's done!
Now normally, most writers would be like "Oh, they're in love, they're together now, it's over. We can all go home because it's done." But those fanfics never satisfy me... So there will be a Chapter 3, which will be up in the next few days.Until then don't forget to give feedback and enjoy!
