Fluttershy vs. the Self-Defense Course

The First Lesson

"Dumb critters," Spike grumbled as rats, cats, and goats circled around him while one sadistic white rabbit repeatedly whacked the top of his crested head with a large spoon.  To say that Fluttershy's cottage was a zoo would be an understatement, but animals running about the house with nigh-unlimited freedom were normal for Ponyville's standards.

"What was that Spike?" Rarity asked.  "I hope you reviewed Fluttershy's checklist twice.  We all expect you to do a great job looking after her animals."

"Anything for you, Rarity!" the baby dragon perked.  "I mean, Fluttershy."

"You think he will be all right?" asked Fluttershy as she and Rarity walked through the door.  "He didn't do too well last time we left Angel under his care."

"Oh, he's just learning," said Rarity.  "I'm sure the second time will be charming."

Right when they closed the door behind them, the two mares heard something shatter and another thing exploding.  A cat screeched, while a goat bleated.

"He's gotten it all taken care of," Rarity winced.

Fluttershy did not have the present assertiveness to let Rarity know that she was neither ignorant nor stupidly naive.  Her mind still worried over the fate of her animals since they were unable to take care of themselves.  But it wasn't like they were so helpless that they wouldn't be able to feed or shelter themselves.  Fluttershy was one of the few mares highly paid by the government to make sure that the animals won't get any radical ideas and rebel against their equine masters, unlike their feral or wild Everfree Forest counterparts.  And the government would not send any domesticated critter back to the forest lest they incur the wrath of PETA (Ponies for the Ethical Treatment of Animals).

What would have been a delightful trot into town riddled Fluttershy with butterflies in her stomach.  Every step to the Ponyville Community Center felt like forever.  She began to have fanciful fears that their instructor was a battle-scarred stallion with an eye patch and a dirty mouth, both figuratively and literally.  She began to have visions of facing excruciating strength tests, like holding a bucket of hot coal overhead while balancing on one hoof on a tightrope over a lava pool nestled between sharp spikes.  Then after that, there would be mortal combat and a never-ending tournament.  She really did not want to fight anypony to the death, let alone her friends.

"Darling, what's wrong?"

"I'm scared."

"Oh, don't be.  The instructor is a nice mare."

"She's a mare?  Oh, I'm still scared.  What if she wants to throw me off a cliff for being too weak?  Or kick me into a bottomless pit?"

"Relax Fluttershy. Those things only happen in the movies.  Or television shows.  Or in Canterlot.  The point is that nothing terrible is going to happen because I'll be here by your side.  Now if you will please, put on this gi I made for this occasion."

"Okay."

In the Community Center locker room, Fluttershy slipped into a pink or magenta outfit complete with a white belt, the obvious sign of a student's novice level.  It did make her feel a little better that Rarity would be training with her, and the fact that not only she made and given her a functional gi, it was also made with the finest silk.  Rarity's uniform was a shade of cerulean blue decorated with a subtle pattern of Asiatic cranes on her back that were surrounded by blue diamonds that were similar to that of her Cutie Mark.

Once out of the locker room, Fluttershy and Rarity stepped out into the main gymnasium.  It was divided in sections, and there were at least from Fluttershy's point of view two other classes being held simultaneously, such as a volleyball and indoor soccer.  There were no barriers to speak of between the sections.  All there was carefully placed baskets and boxes as well as duct tape.

In the self-defense course section, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle, ran around and tumbled on the thoroughly patched mats as they playfully practiced all the possible fighting moves they believed their instructor would be teaching them.  Both wore the standard white gi except for Sweetie Belle, who, for the obvious reason of being Rarity's sister, was dressed in a shimmering mauve color.  Of the three fillies, only Apple Bloom had a yellow belt, indicating that after her brief stint with Rainbow Dash in her search for her Cutie Mark she continued her martial arts training.

Fluttershy was surprised to see Twilight here as well, but she was laying down reading a book written by Iron Will himself, titled The Egghead's Guide to Kicking Serious Flank.  She was also surprised to see Applejack here, but she wasn't dressed for the occasion.

"Well, howdy," said the farm pony.  "I reckon that after the changeling invasion, you've been bitten with the fightin' bug too.  It's all the rage all over Equestria."

"Are you here for practice as well?" Fluttershy asked.

"Nah.  I'm too busy with the farm.  Gotta make up for the lost work when we stayed over at Canterlot."

"Ah, come on sis!" Apple Bloom pleaded.  "Can't you at least stay for a bit?"

"I'm sorry Apple Bloom, but there has to be a pony at the farm today.  I don't mean to put any guilt trip on you, but I'll be doing your share of the work.  Don't worry y'all; just have some fun with the instructor today.  I hear she's a real hoot."

"Maybe Applejack doesn't need any training," said Sweetie Belle.  "She can already kick hard enough as it is."

"Oh, I ain't sure about that."

A soccer ball rolled into the section, and a few colts were hesitant to run over to retrieve it.  In a kind gesture, Applejack kicked the ball with her hind leg, sending it flying far off to volleyball courts, which then knocked a flying volleyball from midair.  The soccer ball then bounced off the wall and then into one of the soccer goals.

"I was able to pulverize that volleyball like last time and tear through the net," said Applejack.  "That just means I have to get my legs back to shape after a good one hundred apple buckings.  Have fun y'all!  I promise I'll attend when I have time."

Applejack tipped her hat and left through one of the exits of the gymnasium.  Dear Celestia, was she really that strong?  She didn't appear to be anypony who needed martial arts training, and yet she was rusty?

What kind of friends was Fluttershy hanging out with the entire time?

The first sign that the session was about to start was the muffled radio blaring the same song that opened up Iron Will's assertiveness seminar in the hedge maze.  Ominous smoke billowed out from a door that connected to the main building where the Community Center housed traditional classroom sessions.

Not again.  It this instructor going to be like Iron Will?  Is it Iron Will?  Or Iron Will's sister?  Wife?  Iron Will in drag?  If the self-defense course was anything like his seminars, Fluttershy feared that she might not only end up as an assertive monster, she'd end up as a cold-hearted martial artist traveling from dojo to dojo to beat up the best fighters and steal their front signs or cupcakes upon their humiliating defeat.  Then a nuclear war would occur, and she would end up hooking up with a massive, elephant-sized black stallion to travel the land to rule the battered ruins of Equestria as the Hoof Queen.

Oh dear.  She got her fears and TV shows mixed up again.  Now that she realized it, she had watched a lot of martial arts movies and TV shows with Rainbow Dash, especially during their school days.

Speaking of the rainbow-hued devil, the doors finally burst open, and out stepped from all the smoke was Rainbow Dash.  After some anticlimactic coughing and gagging, she quickly closed the doors.

"Sorry," said Rainbow Dash.  "Mrs. Cake's class was cooking up some wicked muffin, and I could not pass up a bite.  Best.  Muffin.  Ever.  Looks like we have a small class today.  Wouldn't blame the others for not coming because of what happened last time, but that's cool.  This way, I'll have more time to focus on your individual techniques."

"Rainbow Dash?" cried Fluttershy.  "You're the instructor?"

"Didn't I tell you that before?"

Fluttershy shook her head.

"Fluttershy, I did tell you.  I told you when those crazed stalkers followed you home during your supermodel stint."

"I don't remember."

"And what about the time after the Gala?  You know, to relieve your stress?"

"Um…"

"And what about the time after you guys hung up the Mare-Do-Well costume and crime starting spiking."

"I don't ever recall…"

"Anyway, I'm glad all of you came here," said Rainbow Dash.  "I'm Rainbow Dash.  Since we already know each other, you can call me by my name, but traditionally you may also address me as Dash-sensei.  Now, the purpose of this course is exactly what the catalog says: self-defense.  You're not learning this just to prove yourself, however I may be guilty of doing so on occasion.

"For those who are new here, you might be wondering to yourselves, 'why would I need to take this course?'  A pegasus could just fly away from danger, or a unicorn could use her magic.  But let me tell that you will run into situations when your horn's been jinxed and when your wings been hurt or bound, and the only avenue out of a dangerous situation is to fight it out hoof to hoof.  These techniques have been developed for over a thousand years by the ancient earth pony monks from the east, and they have extended their teachings not just to pegasi and unicorns, but also to all other hoofed creatures.  That is why I ask you to not use your magic and keep your wings bound during training.  Am I clear?"

"Yes, Dashie-sensei!" cried Pinkie Pie.

Somehow, yet entirely unsurprising, Pinkie Pie appeared between Fluttershy and Twilight.  She was dressed in a wicked black gi that had some ominous-looking Neighponese character painted red on her back.

"Uh, what are you doing here?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"I want to take some lessons with you!"

"Oh.  In that case, why don't you come over here and help me give these students a quick demonstration."

"Sure thing.  What are we gonna do?"

"On a count of three, we go at it, okay?  Ready?  1-2-3-SHÔRYUKEN!"

Fluttershy just blinked, and what she saw was Rainbow Dash performing a jumping uppercut so powerful that it launched Pinkie Pie through the roof, thus leaving a Pinkie-shaped hole in the ceiling.  Aside from the cheap shot, the yellow pegasus was horrified of such wanton violence.  On top of that, nopony else gave any concern.  Twilight was still buried in her book, Rarity was filing her hooves, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders gasped in awe with sparkling eyes.

"Rainbow Dash, what did you do?" gasped Fluttershy.

"It's all right darling," said Rarity.  "Pinkie Pie will be fine when she completes her orbit around the earth."

"But, but…"

"That was so awesome Dash-sensei!" cried Scootaloo.

"Why is Pinkie not allowed to train with us?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"This was before you enrolled, Sweetie," said Rainbow Dash.  "Let's just say that things happened, and Pinkie Pie was banned from practicing in any dojo in not just in Equestria, but the entire world.  Heck, she's not even allowed to participate in illegal street brawls."

"Is it that bad?"

"Very bad."

"So to perform this 'shôryuken'," said Twilight with her eyes still on her book, "you pull forward, crouch down, crouch forward, and push on your hind leg with a flaming hoof."

"Twi, muzzles off the pages," said Rainbow Dash.  "Now we gotta start our stretches."

Fluttershy could barely do any stretches because of the short little demonstration.  There was no way she could perform that move or counter it.  She really wanted to fly away, but her wings were bound.  Dash pushed her hard in the stretches, harder than Fluttershy did to train for the recent tornado formation.  After much loud joint-snapping, the yellow pegasus was now too pooped to run away.

"Now that we're all limber," said Dash, "we gotta test our strength so I can gauge how hard I can train each of you here.  We have this machine here that will test each of your punches.  Who wants to go first?"

The fillies raised their hand excitedly while Fluttershy shrank away behind them towards the lockers, which might be her only means of escaping or hiding.  However, Rarity prominently volunteered and trotted up first.  It took a while for her to settle into a graceful stance to deliver a quick and graceful punch to the padded piston.  The punching machine readout displayed a perfect 8 out of 10.

"Still got it," Rarity beamed as her little sister clapped for her.

"Rare, I know you can do better than that, but we'll see," said Rainbow Dash.  "Twilight, you're next."

The bookworm finally lifted her muzzle out of her book, and took just as long as Rarity to get into a firm stance.  It was not because she wanted to look good, but she had to make sure that her hind legs were at a perfect width apart and that she was at an optimal distance from the punching machine.  Surprisingly, her strike was fast and hard, and she rated a 7.2 out of 10.

"Not bad," said Rainbow Dash.  "Better than most beginning unicorns I trained."

"It does help when you play fight with the future captain of the Royal Guard," winked Twilight.

Apple Bloom came in next with a score of 7.5, followed by Scootaloo at 5, and Sweetie Belle at 4.2.  Fluttershy was the last to go, and she quaked so much that she barely stood on her hind legs.

"Not to worry girl, it's just a test," said Rainbow.  "Just think of it as one of the ones we had to do in Cloudsdale."

"Where I failed the slalom and crashed into the cafeteria?" said Fluttershy.

"I was thinking of health class.  Just give it go!"

Fluttershy took a deep breath, and gave it all she got.  0.1.

"Give it a little more oomph," Rainbow Dash cheered.  "Sting like bee, float like a Fluttershy."

Fluttershy tried again.  0.11.

"Try using both front hooves with all you got."

She did, with a cute whimper.  0.22.

"Hang on," said Rainbow Dash.  "Is this thing broken?"  Fluttershy stepped aside to allow the stronger pegasus to tap the punching pad, and the score read 8.0.  Then Rainbow Dash gave it a more powerful punch, and her score rocketed to 9.8.  She didn't seem to put a lot of effort.

Embarrassed and ashamed, Fluttershy sulked behind the group and edged closer to the locker rooms.

"Well, that's okay," said Rainbow Dash.  "Fighting is not about strength, and I can teach you techniques that allow you to use your opponent's strength against them.  And that is a perfect segue to--"

"My turn!"

Oh no.  Pinkie's here again, unscathed and dressed in a more ridiculous outfit that looked more like orange sweats than a gi.

"Not again," sighed Rainbow.  "I told you before that you're not allowed to train with us.  Do you know what happened to the last two punching machines?  The Community Center barely had enough funds to buy this one!  And what's with the outfit?"

"Believe it or not, I'm a ninja!"

"I can see that because your name tag sticker reads 'Hello, my name is A NINJA'.  Hey, that gives me an idea!  Pinkie Pie, I want you stand over there."

"Okay, I'm here!  What do you want me to do?"

"HADÔKEN!"

What just happened?  Rainbow Dash suddenly drew her front hooves together, and from them she fired a rainbow-colored energy wave at the pink pony.  Pinkie Pie was now gone, leaving a Pinkie-shaped hole in the wall.

"B-b-but how?" Fluttershy stuttered.

"Oh, don't worry," said Rarity as she cracked her joints.  "Pinkie Pie will be fine after she completes two revolutions around the sun after breaking the land speed record--again."

"Is that some kind of magic?" Twilight asked.  "Or is it part of the natural abilities of the pegasii?"

"Neither," said Rainbow Dash.  "You see, everypony possesses some level of magic, but they are all the same property--chi as the monks called it.  All I did was gather my chi into a ball and threw it at Pinkie Pie."

"You think you can teach us that?" Scootaloo asked.

"It's not part of the agenda, but what the hay?  It's a small class and we got time."

"All right!  Cutie Mark Crusaders Chi Masters!  Yeah!"

The fillies cheered, and Rainbow Dash asked everypony to help out bringing out the practice targets out from storage.  This ranged from wood and cardboard cutouts of dragons, giant armor-clad space monkeys, and a very angry purple blob monster.  All the other targets were badly damaged through unspeakable means.

It seemed almost given that Rarity would volunteer first to demonstrate a chi blast, but her method was unnecessarily graceful, as if she read too many comics about stallion hunks going into a fabulous pose before beating the snot out of each other.  Standing on her hind legs crossed and her left foreleg on her hip, she fired with a smooth arc from her right foreleg at the ugliest target prop a straight and dazzling beam of blue and white energy.  As if to one-up Dash's coolness, she blew on the tip of her smoking hoof.

"I call this the 'Fabulous Ray'," said Rarity.

"Not sure how that's gonna intimidate your opponent," commented Rainbow Dash.  "Twilight, you're next."

Twilight came up, and like last time she double and tripled-checked her stance and posture before firing her chi-blast.  It wasn't anything spectacular, but she did blow off the head of one of the giant space-monkey targets.  That was quite impressive considering she was used to using her horn with deadly precision.

Apple Bloom came up and obliterated a dragon target.  Scootaloo managed to put a hole in one of the space monkey's crotch area, and Sweetie Belle singed the tail of another.  Fluttershy became both impressed and distressed at how quickly the fillies learned and how nonchalant they dealt with Rainbow Dash blowing Pinkie through ceilings and walls.  How could any of this be normal?  How was she missing out from all this madness?  Surely she would have witnessed these things happening during the changeling fight.  Fluttershy was more than ashamed.  She was downright scared, and she quietly made her attempt towards the lockers.

"Fluttershy, you're up!" cried Dash.

"Eep!  Um, just a second.  I have to use the little filly's room."

"Hey, that's a great idea!  I'll come with."

"Me too!" Sweetie Belle cried.

"I have to go as well," said Rarity.  "Got to change out of this sweaty gi."

In the end, everypony went to the bathroom, thus thwarting Fluttershy's chances of escaping this madness.  She didn't even actually use the toilet and instead spent the entire break inside the stall sweating in fear.  Now she found herself in the middle of the training mats sweating in embarrassment and needing to go to the bathroom.  If only she hid in the lockers instead.

"I don't think I can do it," said Fluttershy.

"It's not that hard," said Rainbow.  "Think of forming snowballs from winter clouds like we did in Cloudsdale."

"Okay.  Here goes."

Fluttershy took a deep breath.  She stood on her hind legs and brought her front hooves close enough so that all her chi and nearby chi spiraled into a single point in an awesome show of energy build up.  Everypony, and maybe Twilight who looked back and forth between her book and the scene, leaned in with excitement upon which the timid yellow pegasus would release a power that rivaled the celestial goddesses.

In one cry, she released it--a tiny, heart-shaped chi blast that gingerly floated across the gym towards the second Pinkie-shaped hole in the wall.  It was so slow that the slowest fly with a hurt wing ran laps around it.  A few moths began dancing on top of Fluttershy's adorable chi blast without being singed.

"Hey, it's only your first try," said Rainbow Dash.  "I'm sure you'll improve with time.  Now who wants to practice with weapons?"

The whole time, Fluttershy hardly noticed the giant crate that was against the wall that Rainbow Dash opened with a swift kick.  The contents poured out in long successive clangs, revealing a cache of dark and deadly medieval weapons worn and chipped from the ravages of brutal wars, should Equestria have any.  The Cutie Mark Crusaders jumped for joy as they rushed to pick up their choice instruments.  This was dangerous!  Twilight, the responsible pony, still had her face buried in her book, and only Rarity yelled at Sweetie Belle to drop the rusty and chipped long sword she had clamped between her mouth.

"Sweetie Belle, you shouldn't put your mouth around that," said the white unicorn mare.  "You don't know where that's been."

"Then what am I going to practice with?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"Not to worry my dear sister.  I packed for us the Green Destiny and the Heaven's Will."

To her dismay, Fluttershy saw the two other fillies wielding weapons several times their size with ease, like Apple Bloom and a huge axe, and Scootaloo with a huge chainsaw-sword thingy.  No… They couldn't be the adorable girls she babysat more than a year ago.  They were monsters!  Fluttershy, in her bouts of rage, considered herself a monster amongst ponies, but she realized that lived in a town, or rather, an entire nation of monsters.  Her stiffened body speedily waltzed itself backwards and into the first locker she stuffed herself into.  Her long pink mane and tail extensions brushed against some old gum in the corner, just like her high school days.

"Hey, where did Fluttershy go?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"I believe I saw her go into the locker room," replied Rarity.  "She must have needed to go to the bathroom again."

"I suppose it's time for another break.  Be back here in five."

And Fluttershy hid, hoping that her classmates had forgotten her.  Alas, the magic of friendship was a powerful foe, and almost immediately after the break, Rainbow Dash immediately asked for Fluttershy.

So they looked for her all over the gym, the locker rooms, and the rest of the community center.  Pretty soon, everypony not involved with the self-defense course was out looking for her, and she knew this from the stampede-like shuffles vibrating her locker.  They had thwarted her plans of sneaking out, but the timid pegasus was patient.  She'll get the upperhoof.

"Hey, Fluttershy's tail is sticking out of the locker!" Apple Bloom yelled.  "She's here!"

Curse her tail extension.

"Darling, why are you in that dreary locker?" asked Rarity.

"She's in the locker?" asked Scootaloo.  "You mean she's secretly gay?"

"Fluttershy's not gay," said Sweetie Belle, "and if she was, she should be 'coming out of the closet'."

"Sweetie Belle!" cried Rarity.  "Have you girls been reading my magazines?"

"But if Fluttershy's in the locker," said Apple Bloom, "does that mean she's secretly straight, or really loves animals but doesn't want us to know."

"I'm not coming out," squeaked the timid yellow pegasus.  "All of you ponies are too strong for me to keep up."

"I don't think we're that strong," said Rarity.

"You're monstrously strong!  Rarity, you can fire lasers from your hooves!"

"I wouldn't call it a laser, actually."

"Fluttershy, you can't get any stronger if you're in the clos--I mean, locker," said Rainbow Dash.  "Sure, we perform some awesomely dangerous moves, but I've been teaching this course regularly over the past few years.  It's safe!"

"Rainbow Dash," said Twilight.  "I just finished my book, and I just realized that we might have gotten a little off tangent in this self-defense course.  I mean, chi energy and weapons are interesting, but isn't the point of self-defense is to, you know, protect oneself?"

"Come to think of it, I think I did go off tangent.  I didn't realize we were making Fluttershy feel bad."

"You think?"

"All right, the class is almost over, and we already went through the hard stuff.  I guess we can go straight to takedowns and whatnot."

"So you're not gonna teach us how to use the Zangetsu?" asked Scootaloo.

"Maybe another time squirt."

"Oh, all right.  Cutie Mark Crusaders Take-Down Masters.  Yay."