Bacon: The Faces of Stupid
It was the start of a new day. The sun rose over the dirt and shone its brilliant Celestial power over the ponies, griffons, and whatever else dwelled in the world. The moon lowered form its place in the bottom of the sky and vanished completely as the princesses stepped out onto their balcony with a yawn. The land of Equestria was at peace. The newspapers were running tabloids. The people who wrote those tabloids were getting hunted down by the slandered celebrity ponies who were featured in those stupid thi- You get the idea.
Anyway, this day was like any other day. It was an absolutely normal day. Nothing odd about it. Everything was finely perfect.
Perfectly fine.
Finely perfect in a perfectly fine wa- You get the idea.
So the day went on, and everything was normal. Princess Twilight was being taught how to deal with prickish noble ponies, Rainbow Dash was practicing flying and stunts and reenacting Jackass episodes, Applejack was... Wait, we all know what the Mane 6 do. Why am I explaining this to you? It's pointless exposition of stuff we already know (or SHOULD know anyway). Nothing could possibly happen or go wrong.
Of course, if you dwell TV Tropes, you know this means something horrible is about to happen. And something horrible doth indeed happen, if not just spurred on by Pratchett's Law, AKA the Law of Narrative Causality. And some people ask me, "Why did you say it in the first place?! Now something bad's just gonna happen!" Yes, that may be true, but if I didn't, then we wouldn't have a story, would we? And if we didn't have a story, what the hell would we do? Have lives? Like any of us know how to function in society! We'd be captured by the military as non human life-forms and be experimented upon to discover how we mimicked human appearance and beha-
Ahem. I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, that afternoon, everypony had gone on break from their activities. So of course, this is the perfect time for something to happen. If something bad happened while everyone wasn't relaxed or preparing, that would also lose us our story! So, at that time, the sky turned a bright orangey colour. Not like a sunset orange, but like a puked up earwax that got mixed in with your orange juice kind of orange. So, obviously, this was a weird event, and as with all weird events... The ponies just stared for a bit and turned away. They had lived long enough for four seasons of MLP, so they were used to it by now. Thanks to their not lookingness, though, they missed the object that fell from the sky.
And right into the unknown town of Ponsylvania. And no one would ever know of it now, because unfortunately the blast from the impact incinerated everything there. Sad. However, it also killed the OC that was falling from the sky, saving Equestria from an awful fate. It fell from space for god's sake, it's not gonna survive.
Sadly, the OTHER thing that came through was more sensible, and at the same time, far, far less sane. This one merely stepped through an incredibly obvious blue swirly vortex thing with lightning that somehow didn't blind and deafen him from its proximity and arrived.
Fictional lightning is weird like that.
So, he stepped into the land, finding himself on a mountain overlooking a small town. This creature was a long haired, average height, blond human male.
And trust, me, you are going to HATE this guy.
He stepped down from the cliff in a slow yet frantic manner, slicing his hands a couple of times and not giving a fuck. He proceeded to head towards the town he saw from the- Um, the, uh, the...
After a few seconds, he thought 'Oh, fuck,' to himself, for it turned out he was lost. He turned so much while he was climbing down he didn't know where he's facing anymore, and a bunch of damn rocks and trees blocked his view of the distance. So, he figured, since he was here, he may as well leave his mark.
So he squatted down, looked a nearby rabbit in the dead in the beady eyes, pulled down his trousers, and let out some of nature's chocolate logs directly onto a nearby rock. He took a stick when his deuce was delivered directly from the dark doors of his dank dropper, and used it to spread some in an X shape.
"My work is done here," he proclaimed. He then grabbed the squirrel's tail, wiped his backside with it, and set off what he hoped was north. Ten years later, that squirrel would finally be cleared to leave the Squirrelly Squirrel Mental Rehabilitation Clinic, but he would never be the same.
"I wonder if this place has bacon," he muttered to himself. "I flipping hate bacon, the blasted pig strips... Never understood the fascination with it." He noticed that soon after he said that, a branch he stepped on shot straight up and nailed his nads nicely. He cursed quite loudly and walked on, irritated with the Laws of Eqquish Physics, which, coincidentally, in this world, was locked with the Laws of Eqquish Karma, the Eqquish Rule of Cool, and the multi-universal power of the Rule of Funny. Quite interesting how science works here.
He eventually stumbled onto a small town inhabited by multicolour equines. He grunted and a couple heard him mutter something about damn furries. They then realised there was a large mostly hairless ape like creature with weird ass clothes standing nearby, and everypony promptly dropped their shit and ran to the town hall. The human stared and wondered what in the fucking name of all that is Dildos and Steve Woz just happened. It never once occurred to him that a town full of fucking sapient techinicolour talking ponies might be freaked out by a human.
What a git.
So, he merely shrugged and walked on, preparing his magically infinite spaced pockets for WTFuckery.
At the Ponyville town hall, many ponies were panicking. The most vocal of them was Lyra, who was terrified out of her goddamn skull by this strange creature showing up right the hell out of nowhere. The mayor tried her hardest to calm them down, but she failed. Horribly. See, after the afternoon has passed and we descend into pre-evening, ponies become sensible once more and act scared of weird shit. Why time of day affects this, science still does not know, much like human science cannot figure out why women are such bitches (of course, they never considered the answer was because they still thought of women like that.* They're kinda dumb like that).
So, of course, it didn't help when the creature pimp walked right into town square and proclaimed loudly the most odd words they had ever heard:
"Has anyone seen my trousers? I think a rabbit took them."
This shocked many ponies, and one finally spoke up. It asked, "Are you gonna eat us?"
"Hell no!" the human spat. "None of you look appetizing in the least!"
"Are you gonna rape us?" the next one asked.
"No, JESUS CHRIST! What is wrong with you people!?"
None of them had an answer to that question, so they next asked what they should've said first. "What in Celestia's name are you, you ugly son of a Goat mother and an ape?"
"HEY!" the human said indignantly. "I'll have you know my mother was only HALF hamster! Her father may have smelt of elderberry, too, but eh." This confused many ponies. "And to actually ANSWER your question," he said, "I'm a human. A human of the planet Earth, to be precise, and enemy of bacon." He gestured to nothing in particular with his hands while he said this.
The ponies did not know what humans were, nor what bacon was, so they merely stared. "Okay," one snarky mare said, can you tell us anything useful?"
"Very well," the twatty man said slowly. "I," he said, dramatically in a poorly done deep voice, "am their ruler and leader, the holy one, HE WHO HOLDS THE STIGMATATATA," he paused for effect, not once noticing his major rape of the word 'stigmata,' as well as missing the fact that they knew he was lying out of his ass, "DUDE JEFFERY!" He then held up his hands, showing the cuts in them.
The ponies stared, and merely stood there confused why he was showing them his infected hands. One stallion spoke up and asked, "Has a doctor looked at that?"
"What?" Jeffery said, confused.
"You've got an infection. Your claws or whatever are turning piss yellow!"
Jeffery stared at his hands, his eyes wide, seeing that the pony was right. "Well," he said, "fuck."
He proceeded to punch out a nearby rider in a pegasus chariot, and yelled at the pegasi quite loudly, pointing to the city of Canterlot and demanding of them, "TAKE ME TO THAT MOUNTAIN CITY UP THERE YOU BASTARDS, BEFORE I GIVE YOU THE CLAP! AND TAKE ME TO A WHISKEY BAR!"
The pegasi didn't take kindly to this, so they DID take him to the city, and they then dropped him in an alleyway onto a box of needles. This did not help him at all.
"Jesus, ow. I should've taken out a health insurance policy," he said. He then heard sobs and turned nearby to see a red and yellow unicorn, sobbing over a trash can lid.
"OI! Bacon hair, stop-" He managed only to get these words about before the unicorn pounced on him, snarling, then pushing away in shock.
"You're human!" she said, surprised. "And... You mentioned bacon!"
"...Huh. First person so far to know what a human is." Jeffery said, surprised. "And, yes, I mentioned bacon. What does it matter to you?" he said quizzically?
"I lived as a human once for a while. It was a magnificent time," she said, reminiscing. "And my favorite food while I was there, was the glorious bacon." Jeff stared at her, questioning why even the unicorn-turned-human-then-back-to-unicorn liked bacon liked sex. She continued, "I could not go a day without eating it. It was the greatest food I ever tasted. But then, I was pulled out of that world..." She looked away, angrier than before, before finishing, "And now I'm here, where my pony self cannot eat bacon!" She spat the last bit out like she just tasted McDonald's food.
"Curious," Jeff said. "I come from an Earth as well, though not the same Earth as yours, it sounds."
"Uh, I never even described-" she started.
"Hush, I'm talking! Continuity is for nerds!" he said. "Anyway, it sounds as we are kindred spirits."
"Um, all I've said is-"
"Shut up, daddy's talking! Anyway, I think it sucks here too. How would you like to help me take revenge by ridding this world of bacon?" He held out his hand to her.
She merely stared at his infected hand before holding out a stick. "I'll shake with this, I'm not touching that hand of yours," she said.
"Fair enough," Jeff admitted. "Now, let us go forth, and rid this world of the scourge that is bacon!"
"I'm Sunset Shimmer, by the way," she said, not hearing him insult the mighty bacon.
"I'm Dude Jeffery, real name Steve," he said. "Pleasure to meet you, Sunspit Shipper."
"Bite me, assclown," she said as they walked off together.
The odd couple entered the streets of Canterlot as Jeff mimed a keyboard player and walked over to a unicorn stallion on the street.
"Excuse me, sir," he said, "could you show me the way to the next whiskey bar?"
The pony pointed to a bit northwest, and turned back to Jeff to say something, but Jeff placed his finger over his face and shushed him.
"Oh, don't ask why," he said. "Just don't ask why."
Sunset Shimmer turned to him as he walked back. "What was that about?" she inquired, confused.
"If we do not find the next whiskey bar, we must die, I tell you. We. Must. Die."
"...Okay then," she said as she turned away and walked with him towards the nearby pub.
Many a businesspony were sitting at the tables of the pub comfortably, discussing their riches and bragging about their wealth, which half of them would later lose to each other playing poker. So, naturally, it came as a shock to them when a bipedal creature and a red and yellow unicorn burst into the pub dramatically and played air guitar.
"ATTENTION, FUTURE BITCHES!" Dude shouted loudly. "I AM HERE FOR YOUR WIVES, YOUR MONEY, AND YOUR BACON!"
"What in Tartarus is ba-" one of them started before Sunset Shimmer pointed her glowing horn at his mouth and shut him up.
"You cannot protest nor do anything to us, for I am invulnerable to anything you may throw at me, except prostitutes and the clap! Now hand over your money!" Dude/Steve/Jeff- Whatever said.
Forget it, from here on, he's Steve from Accounting.
"Why should we listen to you?" one moronic unicorn asked.
"Because if you don't," Sunset Shimmer said. "I'll personally castrate you with a rusty sawblade!" This quickly shut the stallion up and they all proceeded to hand over large sums of their bits.
"Excellent!" Steve from Accounting said. "You will all live!" Steve then swiped one of the ponies drinks and downed it in one gulp before walking out with the ex-student of the Princess. The ponies in the bar preceded to stare and wonder what the fuck just happened, with some of them being blasted in the bowels by burning fear. And by that I mean they pissed themselves.
"I do believe that was a success!" Steve said. Sunset Shimmer snicked softly, then turned red and visibly angry with her horn glowing and- Wait, wha-OW! What'd you do that for?!
"Enough with the alliteration already, man! You're hurting my head!"
Fine. Bitch.
"So, what was the purpose of that raid?" the bacon haired unicorn asked after turning away from the fourth wall.
"Simple: We need money to fund our operation. So I raided the corporate snobs at the whiskey bar!" Steve said, as if the plan made any sense whatsoever.
"Yeah," Shimmer said, rolling her eyes. "Then what, we build get a megaphone and podium, stand in the center of town and announce that we're... Starting... What the fuck?" she said, seeing a massive setup in the town square ahead complete with a megaphone and podium. Steve was somehow already up there with a massive crowd, shouting to them in a manner not unlike that of that Hitler guy she saw videos of. 'He had a dorky mustache,' she thought to herself.
"STALLIONS, MARES, COLTS, FILLIES, and... Pimps," he said, throwing a thumbs up to a random pony in the crowd with a purple hat, who merely nodded in return, as ponies have no digits. "Today, I come here to give you an announcement." He turned behind him and saw Shimmer had discreetly moved to the stage as well. "Christ, she's creepy," he muttered away from the megaphone. "We all know of the food that walks in our lands... It rolls in mud and filth, it taunts you with its thirty-minute orgasms, and has caused many unfavorable comparisons! I speak, of course, of BACON!" He threw his arms out to the side dramatically.
Around this point, in his head, as well as Sunset's, many ponies gasped and murmured among themselves, as if shocked by this dreaded revelation.
In reality, they stared, confused, as none of them actually knew what bacon was.
"Yes," Sunset continued where Steve left off, waiting for her mental murmuring to end (which, in reality, just made an awkward minute long pause), "bacon is our enemy. For ages, I enjoyed the sweet, wonderful taste of fried, crisp hog. But now, I cannot even choke down a centimeter of it! So, if I cannot have bacon," she said ominously...
"NO ONE CAN!" Both Steve and Sunset spoke in unison at this point, and merely served to shock this ponies into a somehow even quieter silence.
"So, in the name of all that is holy," Steve said, "we shall rid you and your land of the crispy strips of bacon, and the hunger, will last, FOREVEEEEERRRR!" He started laughing, and soon after, Sunset Shimmer joined him in a maniacal laugh of "MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" It took them about three minutes to stop laughing, and Sunset fell on the ground, panting.
Around this moment, they both noticed a shadow over them. This shadow was Princess Celestia, who had been woken from a midday nap by two idiots screaming something about some human food. "What," she started, obviously tired, "the hay, is going on here?"
Sunset was stunned by her former mentor suddenly being behind her, and could only get out some blubbering "HUHWABABABBA!" noises.
Steve, on the other hand, had no idea who this giant pegasus unicorn who had a Skittles commercial for hair was, so he merely turned and said, "Starting a crusade against bacon in this world. Why do you ask, Madam Taste The Rainbow?"
"...You DO know how dumb you are, right?" Celestia asked.
"...Huh?"
"This universe. Does not. Have bacon," she said slowly, still waking up.
Both Sunset Shimmer and Steve just stared, taking about a minute to process this information. Both then turned to each other, stared in the eyes, and did one of two things. Steve fainted into gibberish mumblings. Sunset Shimmer merely said a quiet "Fuck," and turned to apologise to Celestia. "Sorry princess," she said. "I guess I just got caught up on the memories of my old eating habits and went along with him in stupid dreams."
"Oh, it's okay," Celestia said kindly. "Your dreams are always stupid." She then turned to Steve, wondering what in the hell he was muttering about. "Well, that's odd... And kinky," she said, muttering the last bit to herself with a smile, then pressing her horn against his head.
"What?" Sunset said. "What's in there? Princess?" She touched Celestia's hoof and there was a bright flash. She looked down and found herself... Human again! She cheered and jumped, until she noticed that she looked like a Japanese animation, even wearing a stupid uniform! Following this, she felt a slight twitch on her arm, and then she felt something slimy creeping around her thighs. She shook her legs a bit, then felt it tighten its grip around her thighs and pull her to the ground. She cried out as it moved up, and she felt it slowly slipping near her crotch, in and out from between her legs, before wrapping itself around her and-**
At that point, she screamed and jumped right the fuck back, yelling, "GET HIM THE FUCK AWAY NOW!" repeatedly.
She then noticed that Celestia was still there, moaning in ecstasy. Sunset Shimmer stared, confused as hell, then grossed out. "PRINCESS!" she shouted, rousing Celestia from her wet dream invasion.
"What? Oh, right. Sorry," she said. "I'll send him away now." She then pointed her horn at the Yankee bastard and sent him back to wherever he came from.
"...Princess?" Sunset asked.
"Yes, Sunship Simmer?" the still tired princess said.
"Why were you... Moaning like that?" she asked nervously.
"Ah," the princess said. "Well, there was this one time I visited the magicians in the Japaneighse mountains..."
La Fin
Author's Note
*To paraphrase Louis C.K., "Guys fuck shit up, girls are fucked up. The reason girls are fucked up is because guys fuck shit up."
**Forshame on those who clicked looking for pr0nz.
So, yeah. You're either supremely brave, supremely dumb, or both if you read this and liked it. Or you just thumb up anything with Bacon.
Seriously, if someone doesn't put this in Rage Reviews, I'll do it myself.
EDIT: And no, this story was not made to troll anyone. A user has brought to my attention that it looks that way, but this was just a fic I wrote which I believe is legitimately not good.
