Lying face down in the dirt is something you are used to, especially on a Saturday night. But since today is Wednesday, you can't help but feel like something isn't quite right. Groggily, you raise your head from the ground and look around.
Grass? Check.
Birds? Check.
Clouds? Check.
Sign saying 'Welcome to Ponyville'? Che— wait, what?
"Hi there!" a loud and cheery voice proclaims, in your ear no less. You turn around to see yourself face-to-face with a pony. It's bright pink with a poofy pink mane and tail, and is wearing a grin that threatens to consume its face. "My name is Pinkie Pie!" She squeals, a noise that grates you to no end. "What's yours?"
"Frank," you mutter. "My name is Frank." You stand up and gaze down at the little pony, who looks back at you in awe. "Before you ask, I'm a human and I have no idea how I got here. Now, if you would be so kind as to point me in the direction of someone who can help me, that'd be great."
"Twilight can help you!" Pinkie replies, bouncing on the spot as if she was a spring made of rubber. "But first, I have to give you the official Ponyville welcome — a great big cuddle!" She pauses for a moment. "Oh, and I guess I'll give you a welcome kiss as well."
You blink a couple of times before realising what she just said. "Uh, no thank you," you reply. "I'm not really into the whole 'cuddling and kissing strangers' thing — and I especially don't fancy the idea of being kissed by a pony. I appreciate the offer, but I'd much rather talk to this 'Twilight' character you mentioned."
Pinkie shakes her head. "Nope," she says sternly. "That's not how it works. Besides, what's wrong with friends cuddling and kissing each other? My friends and I do it all the time!"
She starts walking towards you, and you find yourself taking a few tentative steps backwards. "I've only just met you," you say defensively, holding your arms out in front of you. "It's a bit soon to be calling me your friend, isn't it?"
"But everypony in Ponyville is my friend!" Pinkie says. "And that includes you as well, Frankie boy!" She gets into a pouncing position, her tail flicking like that of a cat. "Now stand still and let Pinkie formally welcome you to Ponyville!"
She lunges forward with her forelegs outstretched, ready to strike, but at the last second you step to one side. This has the effect of saving you from an untimely cuddle-related death — but it also ends in Pinkie smashing into the welcome sign face-first. You stifle a laugh as she stands up, with cupcakes orbiting her head for some bizarre reason, and turns to face you.
"It's just like I told you," you snicker. "I'm not ready for that kind of thing yet. Now please take me to Twilight."
Pinkie glances upwards at the cupcakes, snatches them out of the air, and then eats them before returning her gaze to meet yours. "And it's just like I told you," she snarls. "You are my friend now, so you'd better believe that I am going to give you this welcome, no matter what mean tricks you try and pull on me." She raises her voice. "Now stand still!"
She immediately leaps at you, prompting you to turn and run. You don't know where you're going, but anywhere is better than being stuck around this crazy mare for any longer. The sound of a small explosion forces you to turn around — only to see that Pinkie appears to have fired herself out of a cannon, and is now gaining on you rapidly. You quickly hit the deck, tasting dirt for the second time that day, and listen to the colourful curses that leave Pinkie's mouth as she sails over the top of you while grasping at thin air.
Scrambling to your feet you resume running, ignoring the shocked gasps and whispers of the other ponies in the town — all of whom seem more interested in getting out of your way. This pleases you, because at least they're not all as demented as Pinkie seems to be.
The sound of rotor blades fills your senses and you look upwards. A strangled cry leaves your throat at the sight of Pinkie on what appears to be a cross between a unicycle and a helicopter — made entirely out of candy.
Just when you think she couldn't get any more insane, you hear a whooshing noise. Watching in silent horror, a missile is fired from the chopper and streaks past your head. It hits the ground and explodes, filling your nose with the smell of... candy floss?
You run face-first into the giant wall of floss and promptly get stuck. Pinkie lands her candy copter and approaches you with all the grace of a spider taunting the fly — you're the fly. "Now will you accept my welcome?" she asks. "I'd hate to have wasted a Floss Missile for nothing, you know."
She has you trapped, and fine she knows it. As you thrash against the floss, an idea comes to you. As the saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures — and this situation is about as desperate as it can get. With your new-found plan in mind you cease your struggle and hold your arms up in defeat. "All right," you sigh. "I know when I'm beaten, so I accept your welcome."
Pinkie squeals in glee. "I knew you'd come round!" she says. "Now, Frankie, let me get you out of there." With a few well-placed bites, she frees you from the candy floss. "Mmm, tasty..." With those words, she devours the rest of the wall in one fell swoop.
"Can we just get this over with?" you grumble. "I want to go talk to Twilight and see if she can send me home." You look at your clothes. "And I guess I'll ask her if she knows of any ways to get all of this damn candy floss off me."
Pinkie waves a forehoof dismissively. "She probably will," she says, rearing up and opening her forelegs. "Now come over here and give your new pal Pinkie Pie a big hug!"
You walk over to her and pick her up, her eyes literally shining with excitement. Without a word you bring her closer and allow her to wrap her forelegs around your chest. She coos happily and nuzzles you contentedly, only to sigh in exasperation when you hold her out at arms length.
"There you go," you say flatly. "One hug. Happy?" Pinkie shakes her head and puckers her lips. "Oh, right, you mentioned a kiss..." You grin at her. "I'd better give you that then, huh?"
Without even waiting for a response, you bring your head forwards and connect it with Pinkie's muzzle. She squeals, in a mixture of shock and agony, and brings her forehooves up to her nose. You glare at her coldly, ignoring the tears brimming in her eyes, and unceremoniously dump her on the ground.
"Why?" she whimpers, dragging herself up to look at you. "Why would you do such a thing to me?"
You lean in closer, causing her to flinch. "Back where I come from, we have a saying," you growl. "Desperate times call for desperate measures." You point at her bloodstained face. "And it doesn't get much more desperate than having to put up with you."
With those words you turn around and walk back into town, leaving a sobbing Pinkie Pie – not to mention all of your fucks – behind.
Author's Note
FUN FACT #1: In Scotland, the act of headbutting someone is also referred to as a 'Glasgow kiss'.
FUN FACT #2: This story was inspired by this blog post by Garbo802.
FUN FACT #3: Pinkie Pie seemed like the best character to use for this, given its randomness. I don't have anything against her, so any comments which go along the lines of 'OMFG Y U HURT PINKIE U SUCK' will be deleted.
