Science Is Magic

Interviews Are Not Magic

Twilight walked through the door of her tree-library-home, and trotted to the other side of the room. Immediately after she walked through, there where heavy footsteps that belonged to seemingly no one in particular, following through the door. There was a loud thump from the top of the doorframe and a loud hissing could be heard.

“Oh! Sorry, the door’s a little low for you.” Said the pony from the other side of the room with an apologetic smile. The door slammed after a few very loud footsteps inside the library.

“Now where are you so I can remove the spell?” Came the sheepish pony. The statue on the table lifted and hovered in the air.

“Ah, there,” she said as her horn and a silhouette started to glow. “You could have just said so.” When she finished there stood a glaring Evan as he stood with a statue in his hand. The most noticeable feature on him was the zipper that posed as his lips.

“Oh… right…” she sheepishly said as her horn glowed again and the zipper removed from the humans mouth.

“WAS THAT COMPLETELY NESSISARY!” said the outraged man standing over her with a death glare.

Twilight shrunk from her place and intense fear crept into her, filling her blood with ice water. “W-well, you wouldn’t be quiet, a-and I couldn’t have you making noise.” Evan tried to relax, which proved difficult, as he had been silenced by this pony mid-sentence on their way to Twilights home making him more fascinated but also a little peeved because he had more questions for her. He had started the interview a little prematurely and pestered the poor equine with all kinds of questions with no space for answers until she finally silenced him.

Evan sighed and face palmed, rubbing his forehead as the pony cowered, “was I really that bad?” He recalled his talk with Fluttershy and remembered the nonstop questions to be annoying.

Twilight calmed down considerably at the humans now unflustered stature. “What do you mean?” she said tilting her head to the side.

As this was one scene that could send a diabetic into severe hypoglycemia on the spot Evan couldn’t help but smile. “My nonstop questions. Where they starting to get annoying to the point of sealing my mouth shut?”

The equine’s ears folded back and she gave a sheepish smile, “well… I would be lying if I told you it wasn’t.”

“Fair enough, I had a one sided interview with Fluttershy… that was as fun as reading an instruction manual,” said the human rolling his eyes. She never did answer him why she decided on butterflies for a butt tattoo. He shook off the distracting thought before moving on, “so here is how things are going down. You ask a question and I ask a question. If a question is unknown or does not want to be answered then another question is asked by the same person, sound good to you?” Evan proposed.

She nodded vigorously with a brilliant smile in place.

“Good. Now I asked a multitude of questions and none really got answered,” the purple one glared daggers at the hairless ape, “so you can ask one and we will start with that,” the human backtracked.

Twilight smiled and hovered a quill and paper to take notes, “so Evan, how did you get to Equestria?” the pony said.

“Well I don’t know to be honest. I woke up in the forest and looked for something to eat. Basic survival really.” The Quill whizzed across the paper as notes where taken.

“Ok, what were you doing before you came here?”

“That’s a private issue and I don’t want to talk about it,” Evan replied dryly.

“Um, what do you like to eat?”

“Well that’s difficult,” the yellow-eyed one replied looking at the ground and furrowing his brow. “I would say a nice T-bone stake, but I also really like chicken divine.”

Twilights pupils shrunk and her ears went flat against her head. It seemed to Evan that her face changed to a wisteria color. “Is everything alright?” The human asked as the pony started to shake.

She fell behind the table and futilely hid from the human, “y-you eat meat?” she asked in fear.

Evan face palmed at his stupidity. He had just told a vegetarian creature that he ate meat and enjoyed it above all else. “By your reaction I can tell that you are a herbivore right?”

Her eyes nodded from behind the table.

“As I thought. My spices are not fully carnivorous. We are omnivorous, meaning we eat all kinds of things including vegetables, grans, and fruits. So although we eat meat, we can choose not to as long as we get protean through beans or nut like sources.” Evan explained.

“S-so do you eat ponies?” Twilight said creeping up from the table a little.

Evan grinned an evil grin as he found his way to get back at the pony. He looked at her with that same grin and licked his lips in pleasure as he hungrily looked at the pony.

She immediately fell underneath the table and hid once again, “I wont be an easy meal for you. S-s-so don’t you dare come any closer.”

Evan went into hysteria as the pony’s unsure voice and reaction sent him over the small chair he was sitting in. that was until a voice came from above, “Twilight who ya talking to. It’s late a-m-m-MONSTER!” The scientist turned his head from the ground to see a green frilled purple lizard, with green eyes, standing erect and pointing at him from the bottom of the stairs, a pile of books covered his feet.

The bipedal lizard inhaled a deep breath as the man started to say, “what the h-,” but was cut off from a torrent of green flame heading in his direction. He rolled out of the way of the flames, singeing only his shoulder in first-degree burns. When the flame-throwing reptile stopped its stream, the human got up and ran to him to wrestle him to the ground. The green eyed dragon started to run from the monstrosity that he had tried to burn to a crisp, but due to his stubby legs the yellow-eyed man grabbed and pined him rather nicely.

The dragon grunted and squirmed under his weight when Evan said, “Twilight! I don’t eat ponies or anything sentient. Now will you please call off the pet lizard!”

The purple pony came from her hiding place and glared. “That is not a pet, that is Spike and your crushing him!” she said sternly. He looked down to see the dragon struggling to breath. He kept the dragons arms snug to its sides as he got up from the ground gripping the squirming purple one around the torso.

“There. Now will you please keep this thing from reducing me to carbon?” Evan said, as the green spined lizard was getting ready to blow another firestorm on his hands.

“Spike! Stop!” Twilight yelled as Spike was finishing his inhale.

The dragon stopped what it was doing and went back to squirming. “Twilight? What is this thing! Let go of me!” Evan happily obliged as he bent over to gently set the squirming creature on the wood floor. When released Spike ran as fast as he could behind Twilight, hiding behind one of her rear legs.

“Evan this is Spike, Spike this is Evan. Spike is my assistant dragon that helps me run the library.” Twilight said affirmatively.

Evan stared blankly at the two for a good fifteen seconds, “… You know what? Weird stuff has happened all day and I’m not going to start questioning it now.” He said it more to himself then his two onlookers. “Sorry for the scare, but I wanted to get back at you for that zipper thing earlier,” he said attempting to fold his arms but recoiling and hissing from his burning shoulder.

“Spike, get some ice for Evan’s shoulder.”

“OH. Right. Sorry about that.” The dragon disappeared behind a door leading to a back room.

“So you don’t eat ponies?” She said giving a firm face.

Evan wrinkled his nose at the thought, “Oh god no! Horse and pony meat tastes horrible, and I hear it’s not much better for you either. Besides, I have a personal moral for eating anything that can talk or have the intelligence to communicate in some way.”

She nodded and opened her mouth to ask another question but was stopped by Evan. “Stop right their sister. That’s two questions answered, it’s my turn now.”

She sat on her hunches and nickered. The human ignored this as he moved on to his question, “Are you a from Equus Caballus, an animal I know of in my world?”

The purple unicorn was again shocked at the humans knowledge, “yes, we are. Equus Caballus are our ancestors. Our spices has three names now. How did you know that?”

“Me first. It’s a rather simple one though. Where on god’s green earth am I?”

Many hours later

Deep within Canterlot lies a castle where there came a steady beat of clonk, clonk, clonk, reverberating through the long halls. All ponies where asleep excluding the guard ponies that patrolled them wincing at every beat. In the throne room there sat a navy blue pony with dark hair that resembled the night sky and all its wonder, as it flowed with a none existent breeze. The clonking continued as the princess concentrated at the task at hand. However, it was interrupted by a wisp of flame that flew up to her and manifested itself into a scroll with a poof, making a rubber ball fall to the ground.

The princess growled, “we almost broke our record!” She tossed the suspended paddle that connected to the rubber ball to the side and picked up the note to see what was so important to interrupt her night court.

She scanned the letter and her mouth fell, leaving her to looking like a drooling idiot. She read it through a few times just to make sure that she read it right and slowly she replaced her jaw and her lips rose into a smile that spread from ear to ear. Then her smile fell with realization. in that moment the letter burst into dark flames until nothing was left.

“We will need to keep this a secret. We don’t want our sister finding out about this.”

The princess of the night’s frown changed back to a smile, “We will take care of this personally.”

The morning sun shone through a window in the guest bedroom, drawing grate annoyance from the sleeping figure barely conscious from sleep. The human was much larger then his bed and this was blatantly apparent to anyone who could see. Evan rose begrudgingly from his uncomfortably small bed and closed the curtains. He returned to the bed and laid back down to continue the stories that danced across his dreams. Just as he was drifting off to travel to distant lands, a loud knocking came from the door.

“Evan! Breakfast is ready!”

The human groaned, “uh, five more minutes.”

He rolled over and found a disturbing lack of support. As he fell he thought, “Well, shit. I guess its Monday.” He hit the ground head first with a resounding thud. He grabbed his forehead and focused on the pain as if focusing on it would make it go away.

“You ok?” Came the voice again.

Evan glowered behind him at the bed that failed to be large enough to support his body. He gave it a swift kick which was a mistake as he realized mid swing he didn’t have shoes on. A tremor of pain travelled from his toe to the rest of his leg. He bent over grabbing the throbbing extremity in a fetal position while hissing.

“shhhhhhhhh… haaaaaaaaa… shhhhhhhh…haaaaaaaa…

…

…

… shhhhhhhhh” Twilight burst through the guest room door and ran to his aid.

“What’s the matter? What happened?” she said eyes wide and panicked.

“Nothing! Your damn bed just hates me!” He yelled, still in his fetal position.

“Well it serves you right for sleeping in.” Twilight said while giggling.

Even glowered at the librarian and started massaging his leg and toe. Twilight just gave another giggle at the human’s misfortune. She had learned that Evan could be short tempered but it was just a shell. He was a real sweet guy deep down and was more bark then bite.

The previous night was filled with questions and answers and they talked about anything from advanced mathematics, to basic physics which, in Evan’s opinion, the pony’s had distorted. Regardless Evan made no headway on rwhere he was, or how he got to Equestria. Twilight had shown him a map as well and while it was similar to earth, in continents and land markings, it was slightly different. For example Florida and Mongolia weren’t on it. It was through many arguments and questions on how magic worked that spent most of the night, making the Scientist irritable enough to kick a bed without footwear.

When there was nothing more then a throbbing ache the white-haired man stood and limped to join breakfast. “Sorry again for yelling. I really need to work on that.”

“No problem.” Replied the unicorn. “Spike is making pancakes. I-“

“HAY!” the sound of spikes protest came from the kitchen as Twilight realized the human’s sudden absence.

“…hope you like them.”

When breakfast was over the mixed interviewing continued. He and twilight talked about the differences in their society. As it turned out there where quite a few more then Evan had thought, if his interactions where any indication. The females where quite dominant over the males in number and as such filled more of a male role in trying to attract a mate or ‘special sompony’ as Twilight put it. The rest of the day was spent talking about their monarchy and Evans form of sociological life and democratic order. The day was long with intense discussion and debate when Twilight groaned, “I don’t understand your ‘democracy’ at all!” Evan chuckled at Twilight. It made sense for her to question it due to the fact that her society was matriarchal for as long as the history had been written.

“Look I’ll explain it again.” Before he could utter another syllable there was a knock at the door before it flew open and a pink blur of some kind obscured his view before it materialized as what appeared to be cotton candy at first glance, but as he examined it longer he recognized it as hair that was attached to the backside of the pony standing on the table talking to Twilight.

“Twilight you gotta’ hide. My pinkie sense told me that there is a human roaming town! It could foalnap any pony at any minute! I came to worn you because your one of my bestest friends ever and thought that you should know and lock your doors and windows and shutters and chimneys-“ that was about as far as the pony got in her 2.5 second rant before a hoof was shoved into it leaving only muffled undecipherable speech. Not that you could understand it beforehand.

“Pinky I want you to calm down ok?” Twilight said trying to calm her assumed friend.

Evan on the other hand was frozen in place. He knew what ponies thought of humans. Nothing but boogie men come to take children to slavery, only to be eaten by humans for their trouble. Another fact was that ponies are a bit xenophobic as he learned from his societal lesion today, twilight having given an example with a Zebra she met, besides, her friend seemed like she was going working herself into a worried frenzy, and to top it all off, his luck was not that great with meeting these ponies. Evan slowly started to edge his way under the table to try to continue to go unnoticed.

“Now why are you so worried?” she stated calmly.

“Twilight, my pinkie sense told me that a human’s in town!”

“Oh, please pinkie. How do you know if it’s a human? Have you met one?”

“Well… no. But you gotta’ believe me!”

“What order is this one in?”

“What the hell are they talking about!” Evan thought as he huddled under the table.

“Tail twitch, Ear flop, eye flutter, table flip.”

“Well that’s a n- did you say table flip?”

“Oh, I feel one coming on! Tail twitch. Ear flop. Eye flutter.”

“Pinkie stop!”

“Table flip!” Evan watched helplessly as the table lifted from its place as it was flipped over by the hyper pony, completely exposing himself to all that could see.

The pink pony stared blankly for nearly thirty seconds until Evan shrugged, waved and said “uhh… Hi?”

The movement and sound made the party pony realize that it indeed was not some sort of weird decoration under the table and promptly started to screem and run for the door. The door slammed shut from the force of a purple telekinetic glow and she was trapped. She forced her back against the door and breathed heavily from fear.

“Pinkie? This is Evan. Yes he is a human but he seems to not want to hurt anypony.” Evan continued to sit silently in his spot, not making any sudden moves to fritin the pink one anymore.

“but twilight! He is a human he EATS ponies!” Evan gaged at the thought which went unnoticed.

“No, he doesn’t. he eats all kinds of things. He ate pancakes this morning.”

“those where so good I need to get the recipe from spike!” Even reminisced in a stare that went on through space, now in a different world intirely as twilight glared at him.

“now Pinkie. I need you to not tell anypony about Evan. We don’t want to frighten the town and cause a panic!”

Pinkie pie stared at Twilight in disblef “but Twilight, what if he rampages and inslaves the town!” she rebutted.

“If he does anything bad, then you can tell everypony and lead the search party ok?”

“GAAAAAAASP* search party! That would be absolutely astoundingly-!”

“But only if he dose something wrong!”

The smile she sported flipped to a frown, “awwww~”

“Will you pinkie promise?”

“Cross my heart hope to fly stick a cupcake in my eye.”

“OK. You can go if you want.”

“OK. GAAAAAAASP* AAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhh…” she ran out the door and was gone in a flash as Twilight calmly closed the door.

“Um Twilight? Wont that cause attention?” Evan said raising an eyebrow.

“I’m sure most ponies will just brush it off as Pinkie being Pinkie. Now come here! we need to talk more,” as she placed the last chair with her telekinetic glow.

Evan groaned and sat at the table to give the unicorn another lesson on democracy.