(Note: Sung to the tune of Oliver and Company's "Streets of Gold")

Sung by 8-Bit, Poindexter and Gaffer

Back in his high-school days, Shining Armor's group of friends composed of educational outcasts who only desired to keep to themselves playing Oubliettes and Ogres.

Shining Armor nowadays has little opportunity to exercise his level 47 paladin figurine, but if he could convert his time in the Royal Guard and being Prince of the Crystal Empire into campaigns, he'd be the strongest player around.

He learnt from the best, though. It's no surprise.

Now listen up
Your party stands before
The great Cave of Bits. Suddenly,
A troll attacks!
Roll for initiative!
Or would you rather turn and flee?

When you've got Haste you always take first turn
Level Three Firebolt! That troll's gonna burn!

We now gotta roll for damage check
Rolling a twenty to Crit it to death
Stopped him tearing out our skulls
Check our sheets and rolls

After the fight, that's when you spot a ring
It's lined with silver, it's valuable bling!
Do you rob the troll's corpse cold?
Prep the sheets and rolls

Course we take the bling!
It's a thief thing!
We could sell this for big bucks!
Oh whoops, too bad
That there ring is CURSED
Turning all liquid to sand, tough luck!

And that includes your potions, by the way.
Uh. just a thought occurred to me today
How much water in pony bodies?
You said, "all liquid". Do clarify, please.

Insta-kills for amateurs!
You can fight the curse
And stop your whole body from leaking sand
Roll, then compare it to resistance and

Do you turn to sandy gold?
Check your sheets and rolls...
Oh no, tough luck there, you just rolled a one
So did Poindexter. Don't tell me we're done!?

Now you're both dead. You did not survive
Roll was against you 'bout staying alive
Greed has forced you both to fold
That's the sheets and rolls

That was the shortest campaign that I played!
We killed just one monster! No progress was made!
Until next campaign, I'm told
By the sheets and rolls

Author's Note

Inspired by the comics.

Also I have never played D&D so be gentle.