I Am Not a Pony Pimp For Buck's Sake!
Why the buck did I move here?!
I angrily trotted out of the barn of Sweet Apple Acres, more irritated than when I had arrived. Normally, Appleoosa Hold em’ is my game. And I probably would’ve beaten ol’ AJ and “gay pride mane” too. I can read Dash’s face like a book; her tells are way too obvious. She gets a wing-boner whenever she gets good cards for crying out loud! What you think I wouldn’t notice that Rainbow Dash?! And unfortunately for Applejack, being the Element of Honesty comes at a price. That price being that she can’t bluff for shit. For a minute, it looked like I was actually going to win.
But no. Life isn’t fair.
Nopony had told me DISCORD was playing.
You take a being that was born for the specific purpose of generally being a trolling asshole, you put him in a game of poker, and you have a recipe for disaster. Unsurprisingly, Discord is a bucking cheat when it comes to cards. I swear I saw him pull an ace out of his ear on that last hoof.
But this is only a minor gripe. Being broke at the moment is the very LEAST of my problems in this crazy town.
Anyway, my name’s Silver Boulder. I used to live back on one of the most depressing places in Equestria only two, short months ago. That place being my parent’s rock farm. My little sis, Pinkamena, had always been writing to me and my other sisters about how awesome and fun everything is in her current home, Ponyville, and I should consider moving in. Partying, baking cupcakes, and taking down the occasional world-ending threat to all of Equestria.
Nothing completely out of the norm.
Knowing my sister, I passed it all off as Pinkie just being Pinkie; what with her and her nutty, sugar-induced rambling, Celestia knows what goes on in the head of that pony. A while later though, my much more down-to-Equestria sister, Maud, had visited her, and she pretty much told me the same thing (though with 95% less of the enthusiasm, and 100% more of the Maudiness.)
‘If Maud can back up this place’s reputation, then why the heck not? I’m moving out.’ I thought to myself. I had been thinking about going out on my own for a while anyway. Why? Because being in my twenties and still living with my parents is pretty humiliating (That, and I can only stand so many of Maud’s rock poems before wanting to just be crushed by a rock itself.)
But of course, nopony bothered to mention that this place was overpopulated with mares.
The second after arriving in town, I could already tell something wasn’t right. The town had been about 99.9% mares , and .1% stallions (and by no means am I gay. Just putting that out there) Now I don’t have a problem with mares or anything.
No.
I actually have what most stallions would call the opposite of a problem.
My “Special Talent”, or as I like to call it, my mother bucking curse, is that I attract a LOT of mares.
You’d think that’d be a good thing right?
…Right?
Well spoiler alert. It isn’t.
Now why is that such a bad thing? Imagine having to constantly worry about getting gangbanged in the middle of the bucking train-station by a bunch of crazy, hormone-driven mares, forced to empty yourself out until you’re left being nothing but a crippled mess, breathing heavily on the ground, emotionally and sexually drained.
Doesn’t sound so good now does it?
You see, my cutie-mark, a heart with a golden key on it, seems to emit extremely powerful pheromones that drive mares nuts. And lucky me, I get to have this thing stuck on my flank for the rest of my life.
Pinkie had thought it would do me good to get better acquainted with her friends if I went to Applejack’s Poker game, but all I ended up getting was pwned by Discord at cards, and Rainbow Dash smacking my flank on my way out.
All of these thoughts engulfed my mind, and in my rage, I decided to follow my dad’s advice for whenever he gets mad at something.
Scream.
“DISCORD YOU CHEATING BASTARD!” I yelled as I kicked a nearby apple tree. All of a sudden, my scream had been followed by someone else’s, and a loud thud.
“Aaaagh!” an overly squeaky voice yelled.
I knew that high-pitched voice all too well. Its owner was purple, crazy, and the creepiest pony on the face of Equestria.
“Screwball, what the buck are you doing?” I said with a stern tone as I glared down the little, purple filly, who was wearing a harness, had a pair of binoculars around her neck, and was wearing a camo-tree hat in place of her usual beanie.
Seems even fillies are affected by my…condition. I actually once got tackled by Applejack’s little sister, and she was practically begging me to mount her.
Yeah no.
Screwball looked back up to me with a sheepish grin.
“Hehe. Definitely NOT stalking you till you get back to your house and sniffing your mane while you’re asleep, if that’s what you’re thinking.” She said as she stood back up and gave me the same, sultry look every damn mare in this town has given me since I came here.
I swear, my hoof was really close to becoming best friends with my face. Out of all the mares in this town, this FILLY was the worst. Normally, I would be able to lock myself in my house when I don’t want to be disturbed. And with the new “Anti-rape” security system I put in, nopony is coming in if I don’t want them to.
Unfortunately, Screwball is relentless.
Being Discord’s kid, she has the ability to literally buck logic in its ass and could use her Chaos powers to sneak up behind me at any second and lick my flank. (Don’t ask me how I know she does that) I’m never safe from this one. No matter where I go.
…eeeeugh.
I continued to give Screwball that same icy stare that I gave every mare, which made me look like I was going to eat their soul if they didn’t back off. Unfortunately for me, Screwball found it funny.
“Awww, it’s funny how your eyes go all pin-pricked when you’re mad. Pretty sexy actually.” She said, still looking at me with those half-lidded, swirled eyes.
The creeped-out-O-meter has hit level 11. Hit 12 when she turned around and blatantly shook her flank at me. Hit critical levels when she lifted her tail up over her back.
“Oh c’mon. You know ya want to, so why don’t ya just buck me already, and I swear I’ll leave you alone.” She purred.
This needs to stop.
I picked up the tiny filly by her harness and hung her from a nearby tree branch on it. She struggled to get free of the bind, but to no avail. After she gave up, she crossed her forelegs in frustration with her cheeks puffed out.
“Screwball, are you even capable of shame? I mean, think about what your dad would say if he knew you were doing this!” I said, still sounding firm.
“He already does. He nodded in approval and slow-clapped.” Screwball responded, sounding rather grouchy.
Somehow that doesn’t surprise me.
“Whatever. But I swear, if I find your face buried in my mane when I wake up tomorrow, I’m gonna be seriously pissed. Got it?”
“Awww, but I think you’re adorable when you’re angry!” She whined.
“Stop it. I’m going home. Don’t you dare bucking follow me.” I growled as I trotted back to the secluded sanctuary that was my home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And so leads up to this very moment. I approached my house extremely cautiously, just as any other night. At the moment, I’m completely alone, and vulnerable.
‘Now, let’s stop and think about this for a minute. Completely by myself, my cutie-mark’s pheromones are always making mares get super-horny, and at this very second, they’re probably all hiding in nearby trees waiting to pounce on me.’ I thought to myself.
This could only end badly.
I need to get inside. NOW.
I quickly make my way to my front porch, approach the security module that turns the alarm off, and type in the 21-digit code that goes along with it.
Considering my situation, this is totally not excessive at all.
I unlock my door and immediately go to my bedroom to lay down and gather my thoughts.
“Why me? Why couldn’t I just get something a lot easier to deal with as my Cutie-Mark. A pickaxe or something could’ve worked.” I mumble angrily to myself. Out of all the ponies in Equestria that would probably kill to be in my position, it had to be me didn’t it? Mom had always told me that a pony’s Cutie-Mark is a sign of their destiny; who they were meant to be in life.
So from the looks of things, just barely avoiding being molested by insane mares is my destiny.
Awesome.
Before I can even think any further on the subject, I’m suddenly surrounded in a pink aura, and I hear the tell-tale sound of a unicorn summoning its magic.
Oh, and did I mention that all of a sudden, I CAN’T BUCKING MOVE?!
“Hehehehe. Looks like the Great and Powerful Trixie has got you right where she wants you now my little mud pony.” A voice from the other side of the room laughs.
I look up and see a blue unicorn with a light-blue mane standing on the other side of the room, her horn glowing the same, light pink as the aura surrounding me.
Damn it Trixie.
Now, this is probably a good time to mention that when a filly, like Screwball, comes onto me, I can tell them to piss off in a heartbeat. But when I’m dealing with full-grown mares, my head tends to go a little blank. And considering the position I’m in right now, I don’t think I’ve been this flustered since back when I was living with Rarity. I had walked in on her getting a shower, and she asked me if I “Wanted to join her, darling.”
“H-H-How did you get in here?! I had the entire house locked down!” I yell.
Trixie appeared to giggle.
“Oh, don’t worry about the petty details. Right now, you should just be focusing on how lucky you are that Trixie would even consider bedding with a mere Earth Pony. Trust Trixie when she says that you’re going to enjoy this.” She says with a sultry grin. Her magic then proceeds to lift a whip off the ground.
Son of a bitch.
If this goes how I think it will, I’m going to end up spending tomorrow morning trying to get the stains out of my sheets caused by this mare’s Great and Powerful juices.
Great.