You've Read the Maretrix, Right?
Luna sighed, adjusting her university-issued psychiatrist glasses that came with her diploma. "Celly, are there not any other services the community of Ponyville needs? Raking leaves? Cleaning the fountain? Foalsitting small children?"
"Sister," Celestia chided, "We've been over this already. You have a gift of perception, not to mention farting in your sleep."
"HEY!" Luna pouted. "What I do in my sleep is completely NOT your business."
Celestia bit her lip, trying not to laugh. Composing herself, she continued, "But as I was saying, Ponyville is crazy pony-central. Your skills are needed here."
Luna grimaced. "Yes, I've noticed that. What's up with this place?"
Celestia sighed. "They get their tap water from the Everfree Aquifer."
"And?"
"There's a good bit of naturally occurring fluoride in the water there. And fluoride, as any rock farmer can tell you, makes ponies particularly crazy."
"Tia! Why did you not alert us to this situation? Are there not many ways this might be remedied?"
"Can you you keep a secret?"
Luna rolled her eyes. "You mean besides the fact you wear a sugar patch on your leg because you are addicted to cake?"
` "Yes, besides that. And," she added, "I'm doing better, by the way. I'm down to three and a half kilograms a day."
Luna rolled her eyes, again. "We still feel a diet would do wonders for you. But we digress. What's your little secret."
"Well, truth be told, even with all the monsters, evil-doers, and straight up villains trying to bring Equestria to its knees every few weeks, ruling got quite boring without you and your antics present," the diarch confided.
Luna was taken aback with her sister's confession. Celestia had been making a point of not talking too much of the years of Luna's absence, so as to not upset her younger sister. "So, you've never bothered to, shall we say, 'fix' Ponyville, because it has proven to be a source of amusement for you?"
"Exactly!" Celestia said, beaming. "And now, it's a source of community service counselling hours for you!"
Luna groaned, looking at the wall clock. "I'm not really sure which is more bothersome, trying to give therapy to crazy ponies, or having you patronize me about it."
Celestia leaned in and whispered in her sister's ear. "I'll give you a hint: only one of those helps make up for physically and psychologically damaging Ponyville last year."
"Yes, we are keenly aware," Luna deadpanned. "Wouldst thou wish to torment us further, or shall you send in the first patient of the day?"
"Oh Luna, slipping back into the royal we, I see. You are in luck. "It's nine o'clock!" It's talk-to-troubled-ponies-time!"
"Forgive me, if I withhold my enthusiasm."
"You are forgiven!" Celestia sing-songed, and she trotted out the door to the reception area, a flash of magic transforming her back into her "Sunny Skies" persona which she frequently assumed when she traveled on unofficial business, so as to not freak out her little overly-skittish ponies. A now more normal-sized white pegasus flew out a window of the town hall, under a "Free Psychiatric Counselling and Medicating Services" banner hanging from the building's rafters. As a disguised Celestia left, a yawning Bon Bon trotted into the makeshift doctor's office.
"Hello," Luna said a bit too dryly.
"Hello!" a suddenly surprisingly chipper mare replied, lying down on the couch. "I'm Bon Bon. Well, I'm really Sweetie Drops, but only government officials and telegraph directories call me that. You must be Her Royal Majesty Luna Moon!"
Luna wore a surprised look on her face. "We thought these 'official' psychiatrist glass were meant to disguise us as Dr. Moon. Maybe ponies have grown more perceptive in the twelve-thousand years since we received them."
"Oh don't you worry about me, Doctor. I'm, um, very good at seeing through disguises, as it were. But, well, you see, ahhh, that's n-not why I came here."
"Alright," Luna said," What seems to be troubling you?"
"Welllllllllllllllllll..." Bon Bon stretched out the word for a good five seconds before tapering it off into the nothingness that surrounds our brief and pathetic mortal lives.
"Pray tell, my little pony, what worries you so? We assure you this is confidential (unless we decide to tell our sister's protégé Twilight Sparkle about it, and she lets her fat mouth run to an acquaintance of hers, say, a certain bat pony writer who I have seen around.)"
"I, um, it's that, just... GRIFFONS AREN'T REAL!" she finally blurted out.
Luna's face first betrayed shock, but then slipped into a smile. "Ah, we see what ails you Bon Bon. Worry not though, Tourette Syndrome we are told is not viewed as half the curse it was once supposed to be."
Bon scrunched her face. "I'm afraid I don't follow Doctor."
Luna's smile disappeared. "Well, ah, you see, Tourettes is characterized by various tics. In rare cases like your own, these tics may be vocal. We're sure that..." Luna stopped. "You're serious aren't you."
"Yes, I'm serious," Bon replied, mildly offended. "My problem is that griffons aren't real!"
Luna snorted. Of course, of COURSE the first patient of the day would just HAPPEN to be completely off her rocker. Luna struggled to maintain a clinical nonchalance. "Very interesting Mrs. Bon. Would you care to elaborate?" PLEASE don't elaborate, she thought. Please just move on to something normal like wishing your wife was a stallion or getting stressed by your job or finding a Gila monster in your broom closet or hearing voices in your head or something, ANYthing but crazy conspiracies!
"Well yes, I suppose elaboration is called for. This is a far reaching conspiracy that has pulled the wool over the eyes of every Equestrian citizen! Even the princesses are in dark!"
Luna began painting a watercolor of Bon Bon in a straight jacket upon her clipboard. Patients like the candy maker were exactly why Luna had therapeutic art supplies in her office (for herself, not the patients), and she might as well use them. Oh, right, gotta acknowledge the patient. "I'm screaming internally, but go on."
"Okay, so, as you know, cows and goats do not have voting rights in Equestria."
Luna was actually surprised by this. "I, er, we, er, wait, really? We shall have to take this matter up with our sister."
"Your sister is a government official?" asked Bon, curious.
"My sister raises the sun," Luna said flatly.
Bon Bon gasped. "Oh my gosh, you're Princess Luna?! Holy Lobster, with the glasses on I didn't even recognize you!"
Luna's eye twitched as she accidentally smeared the tan she was adding to her painting. "But, you, when you came in, you... oye, buck it. Just get on with your story."
"Okay, so hear me out. Bovinae and Capra don't have voting rights, because Celestia is a dick, or something."
Luna grimaced. "I'm going to let that slide in hopes of you leaving my presence sooner."
"Right, right. So they want voting rights, right?"
"Ummm, yeah, we suppose they would."
"Thus," Bon concluded, "they invented griffons!"
"..."
"...?"
"..."
"...Uh, Doc, you okay? You're kinda zoned out."
"HUH?! Oh, pardon us, miss. We accidentally retreated to our happy place, where we take out our frustration on helpless imaginary statues rather than on the problem in front of us. It's an old alicorn coping technique. Being a nigh-immortal goddess is very stressful you know."
Bon's face was one of sympathy. "Yes, I'm definitely picking up feelings of anger and annoyance. I know you're the doctor, but do you want to talk about what's been bugging you?"
"Yes!" Luna yelled a bit loudly. "You! You are the source of my stress. What on Equus do the voting rights or lack thereof of cows and goats have to do with whether or not griffins exist? Ms. Bon, your theory makes not One. Lick. Of. Sense!"
Luna had risen while ranting and now stood up, wings flared, her neck bent down and her huffing muzzle inches from that of a nonplussed Bon Bon.
The mare waited for Luna to awkwardly back off, then cleared her throat. "Well, excuuuuuuuuse me, Princess. You didn't let me finish!"
"Right then, we apologize for our outburst." Luna was lightly blushing as she retreated back to her now quite inviting chair. "We... perhaps still have a bit of the Nightmare's anger within us. Carry on my wayward Bon."
"Okay, so again, hear me out. Ponies don't like griffins, right."
"Ummm, we feel that is simplifying things, but yes, tensions are generally high between Equestria and the griffon tribes."
"Griffons, as we all know, are quite militaristic, yes?"
"Again, yes. Just last week they threatened to kick out our ambassadors if we didn't cede our Nutella deposits along the south eastern border of one of our overseas colonies."
"Now, have the Griffons ever actually declared war on Equestria?"
"In the past? Yes. Recently, no. But they were massing troops at our border a few years ago."
"Did they give a reason for this display of power?" Bon asked.
"Well, not exactly. Our sister says they just sort of stood there taunting us with insults."
"Such as?"
"They said unsavory things about our collective mothers and and that they bake better éclairs than us."
"Was there truth to their claims?"
"Well," Luna conceded, "we cannot speak for the mothers of other ponies, but they were actually pretty spot on with their claims regarding our own mom. Their boast regarding desert pastries however is complete rubbish. Griffins, with few exceptions, are horrible cooks."
Bon nodded her head in agreement. "So, would it be accurate to say griffons in recent history are more bark than bite?"
"Oh a canine metaphor!" Luna squealed, clapping her front hooves together. "How we do love these. Like, just the other day one of our mareservants taught us the practice of calling a fellow you are not fond of a 'bitch'! 'Tis a most convenient phrase to have in one's arsenal of verbiage!"
"Yes, this it is. Answer the question Doctor."
"Oh, well, yes. We have become accustomed to griffon posturing."
"Exactly," Bon said smugly. "Ponykind has been lulled into a false sense of security by the United Cow and Goat Alliance."
"United Cow and Goat Alliance?"
"Yeah, UCAGA. That's 'You-Kaw-Gaw'."
Luna rubbed an eye with a fetlock in frusteration. "Please, tell us how exactly these two issues are connected?
"UCAGA built the griffon army, right? They want to acclimate the Equestrian military to empty threats, so that when they do send the attack signal, the Equestrians won't know what hit them. It will be like the 876 Battle of Grand Heath all over again."
Luna shuttered. How strange to think that the Upper Nova campaign was ancient history to modern ponies like Bon, yet she herself still felt the wounds like it was yesterday, and on some restless nights weathered the pained cries of her fallen comrades in her sleep.
"We... would prefer you not mention the events of the Great Golem War. It was a, shall we say, trying time for us. But why would these species ever want Equestria to be conquered?"
Bon again smiled. "There is the brilliance of the plan: Then, in the hour of darkness, with Equestria on its knees, Cows and Goats will swoop in and HEROICALLY save the day!"
Luna considered a time reversal spell so that she could go back and never leave the moon, but instead resigned to sighing deeply. "Let us guess. This would convince ponies to grant other ungulates voting rights?"
"Exactly!" Bon yelled, springing up upon all fours. "it's a plan that's brilliance is rivaled only by its simplicity."
"Uh-huh," Luna said, obviously not in agreement.
Bon sat back down. "What, you don't like it?"
"Miss Bon, it's not a matter of whether or not we like your little pet theory, it's that it doesn't make any sense."
"What ever makes no sense about it?" Bon asked, pouting.
"You're claiming that for thousands of years perhaps a dozen thousand goats and cows have simulated an entire empire? One which I have personally visited, and one which has taken the lives of our little ponies? Is that what you are saying, Bon Bon?"
Bon cringed slightly, scooting a little deeper into the couch. "Well no. Not for a thousand years. For a few dozen."
This statement caught Luna off guard. "Oh?"
"Yeah. Do you recall what happened after the Pastrami Peace accords of 1278?"
"No. We were moonstuck at the time. Enlighten us please."
"Gladly. The Griffons and ponies realized they could not agreeably settle their differences, and so the the griffons migrated to the east. They retained diplomatic relationships, but never returned to near Equestria until..."
"Let us guess," Luna interrupted, "a few decades ago, right?"
"Exactly. These new griffons are NOT the old ones. These ones are an ILLUSION!"
"Oh goody. We can not wait to hear this explanation."
"Moon, you've read The Maretrix, right?"
"We are afraid not. We have heard good things about it however from our sister and niece, and it is on our read later list."
"Yes you should read it. Well anyway, once of the ideas it posits is that we are not living in reality."
"Bon, darling, we see where you are going with this, and we advise you not to pursue this avenue of explanation. We are an original semi-divine alicorn. We rule the heavens and the earth. We have access to realms you have not even heard of. And let us assure you that this is one of the real ones."
This did not faze the mare with the duel-toned hair at all. "Oh no, not at all do I mean to imply that we right now are living in a dream. But ask yourself, Luna, in your scant interactions with the griffons since your return, how do you know you were not dreaming in those instances, hmmm?"
Luna raised an eyebrow. "You mean to suggest we were hoodwinked? Bamboozled? Smeckledorfed?"
"Well, yes. I believe your interactions were all orchestrated within hallucinations."
"Dear Bon, do you really believe anypony, anyone, or anyTHING can pull the wool over our eyes? We are the princess of the night. We do not easily suffer fools who dare trifle with the land of dreams."
"Hmmph. That remains to be seen, Princess."
Luna, having the momentum, continued. "And Gilda? I distinctly recall my sister's pupil Twilight mentioning a, and I quote, 'Kind of douchey' griffon bossing her friends around under the pretense of bonding with their mutual companion Rainbow Dash."
"She was a robot," Bon fired back.
"And Gustave le Grand, one of the few Griffins I've known to not bake crappy éclairs? Him too?"
"Oh no," Bon corrected, "He was simply a goat in a griffon costume. That's why his éclairs were actually decent."
Luna sighed a bit loudly, "We see."
This odd wording prompted the curly-haired mare to voice a question that had troubled her since the beginning of the session: "Say, why do you use 'We' so much?"
Luna smiled warmly. "It is the royal we we use, and we readily confess it is simply an antiquated habit we are fond of. What sparks this inquiry?"
"Well, I was thinking maybe you were part of a hive mind or something, you know, a mouthpiece for the collective thoughts of thousands of semi-autonomous individual entities."
Luna cocked an eyebrow. "My little pony, whatever might give you such an outlandish idea? The only species like that that comes to mind is the changelings, and our sister tells us they have not made their face known in some several hundred years."
"Oh, no reason. I, um, read a lot. Plus, living with Lyra has... exposed me to various bizarre ideas."
"You are the mare Ms. Heartstrings spoke of yesterday? Oh how wonderful," Luna declared. Then, pondering what she had just said, she added, apologetically, "Oh me, actually, you must be a pony of great patience. You have our condolences."
Bon Bon just laughed. "Oh, Lyra's not so bad. She may be eccentric, but beneath that veneer of ridiculousness is a very loving and caring mare."
Luna couldn't help but smile at Bon Bon's kind words. "That's very sweet. However, I believe we are getting off topic."
"I agree. You were telling me how right I am about this whole thing."
Luna directed a very harsh stare at Bon. "No we were not."
"You've yet to offer a superior explanation for the passive aggressive behavior of the griffon confederacy."
"I'm, nay we are not even going to merit your explanation with a counter explanation. Your ideas are rubbish." Luna sighed yet again, even louder this time. "Bon, why are you so into this idea? Don't you have other stuff to do?"
"Hey, Lyra has something to obsess over, and I didn't want to miss out on all the fun."
"But, we mean, even if your crazy idea is true, how does it affect you?
"I commiserate with those disenfranchised species. I feel for them. I can taste their discontent. I don't want that. I want them to love you and your sister. I like love."
"Why bring this to us though?" Luna asked, making sure the walls she drew on her clipboard were extra padded.
"Well, unless you want to eat moon dust again, you're pretty much obligated to listen, right?"
"Unfortunately, yes. Yes, I am. The Hippogriffic Oath I took states I may not purposefully bring injury to my patients, luckily for you."
"Cool. Well Doc, there's some other stuff I'd like to talk about with you. Like, why cockatrices are really just misunderstood."
Luna massaged the bridge of her snout, finding herself with a first class ticket on the migraine express. "Look, Bon Bon? Bonny Bon Bon-Buh-Bonster? You are aware of what changelings are, yes?"
"YES!" the tan mare blurted, then quickly added, "I mean, they've shown up in some of Lyra's books on fantastical creatures. Which, I confess, I may occasionally, OCCASIONALLY read."
Luna rotated her hoof in a "get on with it" motion. "Yes, so you know of them. Well listen Bon Bon, one of their methods of feeding is..."
"Replacing ponies and sucking the love out of their loved ones?"
"Well, yes, they do that too," Luna said, grimacing, "But I was going to describe their custom of placing those they have abducted into long term dream states."
"Yeah, that's not my department. Er, heh, I mean, I didn't read that far," Bon corrected herself.
"Right, well, I will pay you to get changelings to foalnap me."
Bon Bon tilted her head. "Now, Dr. Moon, why would you ever want that?"
Luna hoofed her a mirror.
"Oh right, your patients drive you insane."
"Exactly. So I will pay you surprisingly good money to get me kidnapped."
"Hmmm," Bon said. "What's in it for me?"
"Did you not hear the part about me paying you?"
"I'm not really one for money. To make candy and be loved are really my two passions in life, and Lyra provides me plenty of the later, if you know what I mean."
"If we know what you mean?" Luna echoed. "You wish to insinuate that your princess, many thousands of years old, bedder of scores of stallions and the occasional mare, is unfamiliar with the concept of recreational sex?"
It was the patient's turn to facehoof. "No Luna, it was a joke. I'm sure you're quite sexually active."
This statement did not placate the princess of the night as Bon Bon had hoped. "My little pony, are you calling me a slut?"
Bon groaned. "Forget I ever mentioned it. I'm just a simple confectioner with a loving wife, is what I'm saying. I don't really need gobs of money. Now candy on the other hoof..."
Luna took the bait. "You wish to be paid in sweets?"
Bon smiled. "That would be delightful, really."
Luna shifted in her chair, then magicked a spreadsheet from somewhere in her ethereal mane. "Well, Celestia 'I'm a Fatso' Solaris, aka my sister, has the cakes pretty much locked up. But perhaps we could interest you in a fresh batch of tootsie pops?"
"Actually, are you familiar with the town of Lauphey?"
"Lauphey, the quaint hamlet in the southern Mareseposian Isles? But of course. Last month they held a parade there and I, I mean WE got to be the grand marshal. 'Twas much fun!"
"Right, well, they have the most exquisite saltwater taffy. The stuff is simply divine, if I may say so in your presence. You know, if you could fetch me a few barrels of that rich, thick, creamy..." Bon the confectioner had been replaced by Bon the foodie, complete with glazed over eyes and a mouth full of drool.
Luna laughed nervously. "Heh, I'd say we have found an acceptable currency for payment, eh Bon. Bon? Bon Bon? Bon Bon!
"AUGHH! Soylent Pink is ponies! Huh?"
"You zoned out for a bit there. You okay?"
"Eh, yeah. sorry. I go into food trances sometimes. So, um, yeah. You are saying that if I surreptitiously get you abducted by changelings, you'll get me three barrels of assorted saltwater taffy from Laughey?"
"Bon Bon, you have yourself a deal. You have no idea how much I look forward to being rid of psychiatrist duties."
"Actually," Bon said, dreams of sweet succulent taffy dancing about in her head, "I have exactly an idea of the amount of looking forward you possess."
"You do?"
"Of course. I told you Doc, I read ponies like a dirty romance novel."
"Please don't continue that analogy," Luna muttered.
"As you wish. Are we done then?"
"Well, as much as it pains me, I should probably assist you in coming to terms with the fact that your delusion about griffons is in fact just that, a delusion."
" 'Tis not. 'Tis the truth." Bon replied resolutely.
Luna rolled her eyes, an action she found herself repeating more frequently these days. "Right. Well it appears we're not going to dissuade you. Then yes, We shall consider this session prematurely finished."
"Uh sure. I think that..." Bon suddenly froze, stiffening up. Then she nodded her head, and muttered, as if talking with some unseen voice, "Uh-huh... Yeah... Of course!... Yeah I'll tell her... ...Yeah, thanks. Talk later.... 'Course, you too. Bye."
Luna cocked her head. "Yo, Bon Bon, you okay?"
Bon's one-sided conversation ended. "Yeah, just some friends want to thank you for getting me the fudge, er, taffy."
Luna was, as often was the case in this crazy town, perplexed. "Oh?"
"Yep. Oh, yeah, bee-tee-double-yues, you might wanna tell Cadance to be careful," Bon added as an afterthought.
"Why perchance might that be?" Luna inquired.
Bon Bon scrunched her face, the fact that Equestria was a pretty swell place and her loyalty to mother duking it out inside her head. Eventually she simply stated tersely: "Expect a George R. R. Mustang-esque wedding. It shall be... interesting."
Luna narrowed her eyes. "Pray tell, my little pony, what bringeth you to this conclusion?"
Bon Bon's face scrunching intensified. "Um, just a hunch. Def' not inside information or anything."
"Well, okay then, no worries," Luna said, her taut muscles relaxing. "You're free to go Bon Bon. Remember, I get you Lauphey Taffy, and you get me foalnapped. Deal?"
"Dealio," Bon chirped, hopping off the couch. As she skipped out of the room, she announced "See you next week Loonie!"
"BUH?!?!" The purple pegicorn pony princess panicked profusely. "W-w-what do you mean 'next week?' "
"Oh yeah," Bon yelled back, her voice growing distant, "your receptionist said I'm scheduled for four more weekly sessions."
"TIA!"
Author's Note
Poor Luna
