The Naked Apple 3 1/3: How I learned to stop whining and love the Apple

The sun is shining right through the bedroom window of the Applejacks 3 story apartment complex. The plants are singing and the birds are flying towards the sunrise, it seems to be a good day.

Several Urbanized Youths are playing hoodlum games such as "Steal This White Guys Rims" and "Gun Tag." Such is live in typical day Detroit.

You nustle in closer to your dixie waifu, who turns over and lets out a rather noxious belch in your face. You cough and put her arm around your head, her manly pit hair tickling your 4 o clock shadow.

You hear the alarm clock buzzing as the radio begins playing

It's 7:30 and you have to be down at the Police Station by 8:00 to report for duty.

You turn over to your side as Applejack puts her arms over your manly chest. "Mmm...don't get up sugercube.... Momma still needs her officer to do his duty."

You smile a wicked smile as you whisper "I'll give you a duty." You focus all your inner Canadian strength as you part your buttcheeks like a mighty sea and relinquish a tidal wave of Turkish food stank. The emenation of terrible food hits Applejack like a Camarro hitting a Canadian Goose going 79 MPH. It launches her right out of the bed and right into her bedroom wall.

You get out of the bed and slam the alarm clock, and begin shuffling around for your pants. You search the pile of clothes left from last nights eventful sexy times. You root through a sexy black dress, a pair of black and pink stockings, a pair of elephant undergarments with an extendable trunk, a rainbow afro wig, a pair of clown shoes, and also a goat wearing eyeliner and red lipstick.

Ah! There they are! Your favourite pair of khakis! You slip both legs in at the same time because fuck traditional colloeqiusms about putting pants on.

You walk over to Applejack, still semi unconscious from the Rectal Kamemeha you launched at her. You kiss her on the forehead and say "I'll see you later Sugar Tits."

Suddenly Applebloom enters the room and gives you the happiest greeting ever.

"HIYA ANON, ITS ME YOUR FAVOURIST FUTURE LITTLE SISTER IN LAW APPLEBLOOM SAYING GOOD MARNING!"

You stare at her, and punch her in her stupid face. She cries and runs off into her room. You turn 360 degrees and jump out the window.

You land on your face, which is already chiseled as steel, so you take no damage. You check your watch, its 7:35, The office is 10 minutes away,

You brush yourself off, and decide to run on down to Random Joe's Donutarium which was conviantly placed right across the street from Applejack's apartment. You look both ways before crossing the road, and take one step out onto the street.

Suddenly several Italians, A turtle, a prostitute, a dinosaur and a gorilla all on go-karts rush past and get mud all over your favourite khakis. You get immensly angry and you go to personally take care of whose fault this is.

You walk back into Applejacks apartment and stomp right up to Appleblooms room. You can hear her crying through her bedroom door. You use your powers of karate to open the door knob, as Applebloom looks at you with her puffy black eye.

"Whaddya want ya big bully?" she says sobbing.

You walk over to her and punch her in the face again, blackening her other eye as she screams "OH GOD WHY?" You guffaw and then jump out her window. This time you land on top of a badly sunburnt and normally burnt homeless person with broken legs. He screams out loud "Oh god my continuity!"

You brush yourself off as you walk back to the donut shop. You enter the shop as a bell jingles, a pudgy blue coloured person walks up to the counter.

"HEY HEY HEY DETECTIVE ANON" the woman stated in a gruff New Jersey Accent. "WHAT"LL YA HAVE TODAY STUD DA USUAL?"

"Yes please Mrs Cake." You nod in approval.

She turns towards the kitchen.

"SWEETUMS, GET YER ASS IN HIGHGEAR, WE GOTTA A CARAMEL VANILLA STRAWBERRY DONUT MARGARITA WITH A SILLY STRAW AND AN UMBRELLA!"

"Oh is that Mr Anon again? Great doing business with ya!"

"ENOUGH OF DA CHIT CHAT AND GET OUR CUSTOMER HIS ORDER YA BIG SCHLEMMIEL."

You wait paitently to enjoy your tropical manly drink and check your watch. Damn! It's 7:55! You are going to be late for work! You quickly wave to Mr and Mrs Cake as they both shout out to you. "WE'LL NEVA FORGET YA ANON!" as you head out to your 1995 Camarro and put your favourite cassette into the deck.

starts playing as you turn on your siren.

You start driving through a supermarket, and then into a packed boxing match in Times Square, and then into a wake for some kid named Michael who got up from his casket and ran off. You yell out the window, FAKER!

You drive into a pinball machine which subsquentally TILTS as the Multiball option is enabled.

You drive into a heavy active warzone on the shores of Iwo Jima as several soldiers around you are being shot down by the artillery fire.

You finally pull up to the police station, just as your engine puffs out a cloud of white smoke. Well, looks like you are out of a ride for awhile.

You get out of your car and check your watch, 8:03, DAMN! Three minutes late! The Commissioner will have your hide for this! You walk into the Police Department with the upmost quietness as you try to sneak past the busy bodies of the office. Huh, seems like its uniform/penis inspection day. You'll never understand why Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz makes you go through such things. You step on a duck, a car horn, some random homeless guy, and an entire stand of brass instruments, all of which were incredibly loud.

You poke your head up, nobody seems to have noticed, you sigh as you walk into your office and sit down.

"Nailed it."

"DETECTIVE ANON, INTO MY OFFICE THIS FUCKING MINUTE!!!"

Fuck. Looks like the cat is out of the bag.

You pull yourself out from beneath your desk, You're a man goddamn it! And a man has got to face the consequences of his actions, no matter what the cost may be! You straighten your tie, you shave your beard, you watch a sad movie about a woman whose sister has breast cancer and you dont shed a single tear. You go through a training montage as you hit a punching bag held by an african american peppering up your spirits by saying "UP AND AT EM ANON! YOUR A WRECKING MACHINE!"

All right, time to pay the piper. You walk up to Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz's door, and nod sincerely to the Black Knight who stood sentry to the gate. He nods back at you as you prepare to walk in.

"May God keep you in his blessings, thou who hath entered this realm." He prays for you. You fidget with the numerous doorknobs and locks, you input the special password 1111, you put the square peg into the round hole, and speak the special catchphrase, "Mary sue Marie had a bite of pie on the thirty third of June".

The door unlocks and swings widely open and a bright light blinds you. You hear a voice coming from the light "Come to me Anon..."

You walk towards the light, when suddenly Bon Bon screams at you "GET OUT OF THE FUCKING PANTRY AND GET INTO MY OFFICE NOW!"

You pull away from the pantry, and walk into her office and pull up a chair.

She sits down at her desk and pours herself a glass of scotch as she lights up a cigar. She takes a long drag and stares daggers into your eyes.

"Do you know why I called you into my office Anon?"

You fidget nervousally "You...wanted to congratulate me on my 500th drug dealer killed?"

"NO GODDAMN IT!" Her hand slams the table. "And the last one didn't count, you hit him with your car."

"Yeah, I was lucky he turned out to be a drug dealer."

"You're late Detective! I HATE TARDINESS! THAT'S WHY OFFICER DERPY IS IN THE BAD POLICE CORNER"

"DO YOU HAVE AN EXCUSE DETECTIVE?"

"Well, in fact Commissioner I do have an excuse!" You state putting your hands on your hips wagging your finger in a 'I'm an independant black woman who don't need no man' attitude.'

"WELL OUT WITH IT DETECTIVE! I FEEL LIKE ITS BEEN THREE FUCKING MONTHS TO HEAR THIS SORRY EXCUSE OF YOURS" Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz lashes out, spreading spittle with every lash of her angry tongue.

Fuck.

Uhh... excuses....excuses....

"I came down with a terrible case of Derma-syphllia-itis-sydrome subdirectory C pox flu." You say slightly coughing into your manly hankercheif that has poodles embrodered on it.

Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz raises her left eyebrow slightly. "Really now Detective Nymous? And what are the effects of...whatever the fuck you just said?"

"Uhh... well you see... you get a real quaking of the knees... and then your hips spin round and round... and then you put your hands on your head, and you bring it around town..."

You are slowly going through each motion, as Bon Bon watches intently, pouring herself more and more glasses of whiskey.

"You do a pelvic thrust, and then you take a step to the left..."

"Enough Anon. Just.... wow." Bon Bon holds her hand to her head in complete shame of you.

"You could've said you slept in, you've could've said you had to shit extra long this morning, Hell, you could've told me you were off drinking this early in the morning, and I would've given you a just a slight reprieve....but THAT!"

She gets up from behind her desk and makes her way slowly to the Tardy Officer Corner.

"That was the saddest display of anything I have ever seen in my entire life."

Bon Bon takes off The "Tardy Officer" dunce cap off of Officer Derpy and points her back to the Office Floor.

"I have no words of shame that can even escape me Detective Anon."

Bon Bon walks over and places the "Tardy Officer" Dunce cap on your head.

"May God honestly have mercy on your soul."

You throw your hands on top of your head and stubbornly pout.

"NO."

"Detective Anon, I'm not asking you to put this on, I'm telling you to put the 'Bad Officer Hat' on.

"NO!" You begin throwing a temper tantrum, pushing your lower lip out and crossing your arms in a huff.

"DETECTIVE ANON I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T PUT ON THIS DUNCE CAP I AM GOING TO TAKE YOUR SHIELD AND YOUR RIFLE!"

You finally feel yourself bursting within, and you summon all the maniliness within your mortal body.

You stand up and stare Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz straight in her heavily hairy eyebrows, as her eyes now filled with an anger unfathomable to the mortal eye raged at you as you whispered.

"Over my dead body."

You whip out your Smith and Winston Lugermorph Mark IV and hold it directly against your temple.

"NO ONE FIRES ME EXCEPT FOR ME!"

"Anon... please... put down the gun..." Bon Bon nervousally trying to find a way to disarm you.

"YOU AIN'T MUH PA!" You scream as you pull the trigger and collapse to the floor in a bloody mess.

Commissioner Bon Bon screams at the top of her manly laughs and runs out of her office screaming "HE WAS ONLY TWO DAYS FROM RETIREMENT!"

And so the camera pulls away from your corpse, and a sad song starts to play. Then suddenly you get up and laugh.

Good thing that was your party gag Smith and Winston Lugermorph Mark IV, but you might have to get that zit on your head checked out, because it burst all over the floor. Gross.

You kick down the door of The Commissoners office, slightly scaring the Black Knight who was a posting sentry.

The office falls immediately silent, and stares in your direction.

"AVAST ME HARDIES ITS TIME WE BREAK THE MAST AND HEAD FOR THE SEAS WHOSE WITH ME?" You scream with a terrible accent as if you have a vitamen C deficency.

"AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The entire office replies in an uproar as uniformed police officers begin taking off their hats and replacing them with bandanas. Officer Perkins who usually works the help desk unscrews his left hand and reaches into his desk drawer, pulling out a wooden hook which he screws onto his stump. Several of the securitaries undid the tight office garb to reveal that they all had peg legs that went to their thighs. Sargeant Shill took out two eyepatches and put them both over his glasses while jumping on his desk screaming "ERYAAAAARRRRR!"

Several fires broke out immediately, as the office was thrown into chaos. You quickly make way to the Prison cells and bark at the drunks who were occupying the cramped cold space.

"ON YOUR FEET YE SCALLYWAGS! MAN THE OARS! WE SET SAIL FOR THE GREAT BLUE!"

"AYE AYE CAPTAIN!" They responded as they magically pull out oars from an undisclosed area of the cell.

"FIRE THE CANNONS OFFICER DERPY!"

"AYE AYE CAPTAIN ANON!"

A loud cannon burst through the office, as the nautical police crew cheered! "YO HO YO HO! THAT BE THE SOUND OF THE CANNON! FOR THE SEAS WE SAIL!"

Many brew maids suddenly waltzed in serving the scurvy crew of public officials as Lieutenant Lyra Heartstrings began playing her accordian in the middle of a burning mess of an office, as police officers chased women around in an lavish fashion, haha look! Officer Shill took out his peg leg penis and is chasing a 6 foot 7 overweight sexual offender in circle as he cries for his mother.

Ahhh.... a typical Monday morning at the office.

Suddenly your cell phone rings!

"Hello?"

"H---ey---bzzzzzt......A------non------bzzbbzbzzbz"

Damn, the line is fuzzy, and it doesn't help that a re-enactment of The Pirates of the Southern Tropical Islands that are relatively close, but not exactly close enough to be considered the Carribbeans is happening inside the office.

"Hold on, Don't hang up!" You yell into the phone, just as Officer Derpy rushes past you with a flaming log held aloft her head while screaming "ATTICAAAAAAAAAAA"

You make your way past the raging crowd of drunken and disorderly persons, and the drunken and disorderly officers as well.

You make your way to the steps of the Police Headquarters and talk into your cellphone once more.

"Okay, whoo... Hello?" You take a breather from the random chaos you've inspired.

"Hey there mah Dearest Detective!" you hear the familiar accent of your beloved as your nethers begin throbbing with something that isn't a rampart sexual disease!

"I was wondering iffin maybe y'all could stop by mah place of work while you were on patrol... I wanted to really see ya after this morning, but y'all went and left." Applejack moaned slightly over the phone.

You clench your fist and internally hear trumpets blaring as your subconscious roars. "YES YEEEEEEEES!"

"So what do you say Anon? Wanna come over to the Oranges and Watermelon fruit stand in 15 minutes for a quickie?" You hear a soft squelching sound in the background, as if...well... like a welcoming sound of a gurgle. A soft coo of a ravenous beast that needs to be filled with passion.

You grit your teeth with a wicked grin, as your loins grow tighter by the second.

"OF COURSE I WILL"

You pull out your massively miniscule Anon cock and press it against your cellphone, trying to penetrate Applejack from the receiver, however due to this being a realistic world where nothing cartoony happens whatsoever, it doesn't exactly pan out as well as you originally thought.

"Yeah Funnybutt, I'll be there, IN A FLASH!" You close the now semen covered cellular phone as you eye out a douchey looking kid walking down the road, licking a giant lollipop, while pushing a hoop with a stick.

You walk over to the child, who was wearing a fancy sailor suit and a flat cap with a brand new ribbon, with a grin of malicious intent on your face.

You grab his shoulder. "Hey Kid. You're Flash Sentry right?"

"Yeah Mista! My Daddy says I could have this lollipop if I did good at my studies! Want a lick Mister?" The fat obese kid states through his sticky lips.

You pull out a box knife...

One transition later,

You are whistling down the sidewalk with your hands covered in blood. A random woman screams at the sight behind you, as you chuckle to yourself.

"Thanks Mista for stabbing that child molesting leprechaun behind me!"

"No problem Mr Sentry, be sure to continue to go to school and receive good grades and don't do drugs!" you reply back as you into your 1995 Camarro that you've nicknamed 'Flash'.

"Gee golly I sure will Mista! I hope I can be like you when I grow up!" Young Flash Sentry saluted as he skipped gallavantly down the sidewalk. You chuckle and shake your head as you drive off, putting your siren on to cut traffic flow.

Suddenly a bald eagle swoops in and snatches the obese child and Flash Sentry was never seen again.

You fiddle through your cassettes and find a particular track you haven't heard since highschool.

Today is going to be awright.

you tried changing the radio to something less 1970's.

For some reason this comes on, and won't get off the radio no matter how much you are trying to change it.

You're only 5 minutes away from sweet Apple nectar, when suddenly the police scanner begins blaring out.

"Calling Detective Anon N ymous! Calling Detective Anon Nancy Ymous! This is an emergency! This is Sargeant Normal Leslie Norman in need of backup on 5th and Applesauce! I can't hold them all back Anon! HELP ME!"

You look out the window, you're at the corner of 7th and BooBoo Keys. Man, Mayor Baby for a Head really came up with some strange names for the city streets, but he was elected by popular vote, and to be honest his extended nap time and extra pudding snacks policy was pretty good.

It would take about 2 minutes to save your partner, that has always had your back in everything that you've ever done, including that one time when you had to pee really bad and he let you pee in his coffee cup, and he didn't even look. But you have no idea how long the firefight against whatever unspeakable foe will last, and you already promised Applejack that you would sex her, with YOUR PENIS!"

You lower you head and begin swelling up with a manly pride, a sort of brotherly connection, a sort of romantic interest that often would keep you up at night questionining your sexuality and your willingness to explore it.

You slam on the brakes and do a wicked sweet donut right in the middle of the road, running over at least 15 fruit carts and a homeless person who was covered in burns, limping terribly on his hands and knees.

The radio suddenly changes without you touching it,

tears running down your face you slam on the transmission into 5th gear and skid off to 5th and Applesauce.

"I'M COMING PARTNER! JUST WAIT FOR ME! I'LL SAVE YOU!"

Memories of you and Norman flash by your eyes, that one time he gave you CPR after eating a relatively long hot dog with your shirts off, that one time when you played shirts and skins tackle football in the mud with each other and only each other, that one time when you forgot to bring your swimsuit into the outdoor hottub and he took his off and offered them to you... Norman...

You turn the corner, screeching the tires the entire way, to discover that it was literally just around the corner.

Norman waves at you, as you skid to a halt.

"NORMAN!" You scream out.

"ANON!" He cries back to you, barely getting hit by stray bullets.

"NORMAN! JUST HOLD ON!"

You wrestle with your seatbelt but for some reason can't get out! Damn! FUCKING NORWEGIAN PIECE OF SHIT UPHOLSTERY!

"ANON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HELP ME OUT HERE!" Norman hollers at you, suddenly taking a bullet right into his shoulder.

"DAMN IT! NORMAN!" You writhe inside your Camarro, feeling powerless against the 1/2 inch piece of cloth.

You have to get out there and save your partner!

Suddenly, You remember that you had your handy dandy Box Knife in your front pocket! You pull it out and use it to reach for your Smith and Winston Lugermorph Mark IV that was in the passenger seat in its own little seatbelt. Struggling in the tense situation you were able to get a finger on the holster and grasp it! You point your trusty firearm at the seatbelt buckle and put your finger on the trigger.

"Wait... this is so fucking stupid." You smack yourself on the forehead as you use the gun as a hammer to try and bash the buckle open. It doesn't work very well, so you decide to use all your manly strength to uproot the entire seat. Somehow it works, and you are able to roll outside of your Camarro, weapon in hand, and car seat strapped to your back like some type of comical slapstick scene.

"ANON! COVER ME!" Norman yells as he clenches his shoulder in pain.

"Gotcha Norman!" you cry out as you charge into the firefight.

"Oh shit man! He's got a car seat strapped to him!" one of the indescribable stereotypical gun thugs said.

"Quickly! Let's abandon our current situation even though we clearly outnumber them!" said another.

The two thugs turn around and call out to the various sharpshooters behind them, the French Foreign legion, an entire pack of Zulu spear throwers, an entire battlion of World War 1 era German soldiers, and several hillbillies all the same first name of "Billy Bob" and told them to retreat.

Quickly, the armada of street violence quickly disappated into the back alleys of 5th and Applesauce, The French Foregin legion swiftly kicking their camels to activate their hyperspace thrusters.

"YEAH YOU BETTER RUN, BECAUSE I'M DETECTIVE ANONYMOUS! THE MAN WHO AIN'T AFRAID OF COWARDS" You yell at the cowardly army, puffing your chest out proudly.

"Wait, did he call us cowards?" you can hear a soft whisper from one of the back alleys.

Suddenly the armada reappears with a fury.

You quickly jump behind the overturned police car that Norman was hiding behind, as the gunfire increases severely.

"NO ONE CALLS US COWARDS AND GETS TO LIVE WITH IT ANONYMOUS!" The clearly has problems with self esteem gun thug screams out in his manly falsetto shrill of a screech.

"Norman, what the hell is going on?" You cover your ears from the clanging of metal on slightly plastic metal because cars aren't just made the way they used to be.

"Anon, I uncovered something HUGE man. There's a huge drug cartel that is located in this city. I wanted to let you know last night, but for some reason you didn't answer your phone."

Norman dodges out of cover and hits a Klansman right in his hood.

Oh right, last night at The Murder Mansion when Applejacks friends, and Twilight too, knocked you unconscious.

"Well being your partner, and your best friend since I've had since Pre-k, I decided to catch up with you.... turns out that ol' Murder Mansion you went to last night with your date? It's the headquarters for a drug cartel headed by a man named Mendoza."

You jump out of cover and shoot several ducks out of the air and a dog comes out of the sewer and proudly shows you your game, before quickly being executed by Isalmic extremists for being too Western.

"Anon...if I don't make it...tell my wife..." Norman begins.

"Don't talk like that." You state plainly with no emotion or acting capabilities.

"Naw Anon listen, if I don't make it, Tell my wife..."

Suddenly a spray of heavy machine artillery fire rips through the Honda Civic, blasting Norman several times in multiple camera angles as he twitches with every searing bullet that passed through his body.

"NORMAN!" You fail to emude any real tension in your voice as your acting falls flat.

You jump up from your hiding position and see the entire armada in front of you, including a Metal Gear Rex firing on your single location.

You slowly crouch down, but then arise with a minigun that shot grenades. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" you began firing your weapon intensily into the crowded army of street thugs, causing millions of dollars of damage to the environment around the battlefield, that ultimately the taxpayer will have to pay for.

With every grenade impact to victim, another was met with an adjacent foe, like an orchestra of Michael Bay proportions. The Metal Gear Rex toppled over and exploded, causing all to explode suddenly in fiery explosiveness except for the two original street thugs.

You stride, still carrying the car seat on your back to the weakened thugs.

"H-hey man, we was just following orders." the bloody injured thug groveled.

"Y-yeah, we give up man." said the other, who had just made fudge and lemonade.

You look down at them, and you grin.

"Catchy one liner" as you pull the trigger blowing the thugs head off in an explosive goryness that you really needed 3-d glasses to fully appreciate.

You sneer at the other thug, and he runs away in tears, but trips over his shoelaces and explodes for whatever reason.

You throw aside your clearly OP weapon and it lands squarely in front of the Detroit "Orphanage for Sick Children That Can Only Be Cured Here" before exploding, and run back to Norman.

You take him in your arms and slap his face.

"Norman, you're going to be fine."

"Damn, damn, damn, Anon. Looks like I ain't gonna make it."

"Norman please... stop."

"Anon...tell my wife... I said...Hello." Norman passes onto Detective Heaven. He drops a photo of the drug cartel leader. You pick it up, as Normans blood dripped from the photo, and you cry out into the endless city expanse so that the entire world would know your vendetta.
"MENDOOOOOOOZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAA"