The Naked Apple 3 1/3: How I learned to stop whining and love the Apple

This city, it never changes.

As I walk down this dilapitated sidewalk, I begin writing into my journal, fuming at every penstroke I swipe at. "Happy dog in alley this morning, a tired man rubbing his almost ready to burst stomach. This city is frightening to me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of candy and when the drains finally sugarcoat over, all the very happy will be very happy. The accumulated smiles of all their hugs and nursey rhymes will foam up about their waists and all the horses and politicians will look up and shout "Join us!"... and I'll whisper "Okay."

Suddenly you slam on your brakes, as a crazy looking Irish midget goes flying into a trashcan. Jesus, this city has certainly has gone to the birds, but enough of silly games! It's time to do what needs to be done by You! Detective Anon! With the pure adrenaline of several voracious puppies coursing through your veins, you ram on the gas, screeching your tires as you bust through a load of cardboard boxes and somehow freeze frame within time and space as giant letters along with an entire orchestra appear out of nowhere!

"THE NAKED APPLE 3 1/3!: THE FINAL CHAPTER! :Revengance of the Returning Wrath, part 2: Dawn of the Electric Boogaloo! PART V!

The orchestra begins playing

as you start driving through a supermarket, as you swerve past the final scenes of Blair Witch Project, as you try to drive down the Hallway from The Shining, running over those two creepy twins, as you drive through a line dance in Las Vegas, you pull down on a slot machine as it reads 'JACKPOT!' You continue driving up a pyramid, and then suddenly begin backing up when a mummy comes out and starts chasing you along with a fat man with a tiny bowler hat and his skinny friend. You pull into a police station as a skateboarding kid hits your hood, and a girl on a bike nearly clips you.

You get out of your 1995 classic Camarro that is somehow slightly undamaged from the previous gunbattle that included a mother fucking Metal Gear REX for whatever reason, seriously, I mean what the hell? Has Darpa gone all crazy? Seriously why would anyone in their right mind ever need a 60 foot metal monstrosity that can shoot a nuclear missile to anywhere on the planet?

Anyway, You raise your fist and begin yelling at the spiky haired child. "YOU DANG KIDS! I'LL SHOW YOU FOR STICKING IT TO YOUR ELDERS!" You continue to yell furiously at the child as a photographer who happened to be standing there took your photograph.

Suddenly the spiky haired jaundiced child stops in his tracks and looks back at you. What's this? An apology? I ACCEPT IT WHOLE HEARTEDLY!"

"Hey man, don't have a cow!" He states in a totally cool radtastic 90's voice.

Betsy, you faithful cow that you have milked since 3rd grade dropped her ice cream and began to walk off crying.

"YOU'VE DONE IT NOW BOY!" You scream at him.

"AY CARAMBA!" he exclaims, returning to forward motion on his dang sophescated board with wheels that these youngin's use nowadays.

"GET BACK HERE YOU BRAT!" You pull out your firearm and begin swingly it madly in the air like Yosemite Sam as you chase down a 13 year sick child with bad hair taste. Your cellphone starts ringing, However you ignore the possibly very important cellphone call as you continue to sprint madly in a blind rage to the offending youth who dareth occasted thee!

"WHOOLADOODLE IMMA COMING FOR YOU!" You state foaming at the mouth.

"Like totes chill bro!" The spiky haired child states as he begins firing rotten tomatoes with a slingshot in your general vincitity. Like a masterful technician in the eastern art of suduko, you bypass every single rotten fruit/vegetable/whatever category it falls into. A homeless man covered in burns, barely staggering to keep alive suddenly gets hit with a dozen of rotten tomatoes.

"OH NOOOOO TOMATOES! THE ONLY THING IN THE WORLD I'M ALLERGIC TO!" He screams as his skin begins puffing up, and his eyes roll back into the back of his head.

Enough! You know a shortcut to ctachup to the brat. You quickly run into the Macy's door, and wait paitently on the escalator, tapping your hand to a familiar song playing over the radio.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/BjSP0zwh8LY?t=49s]

You run through the women's section, unknowingly adding a bra and a one piece swimsuit to your clothing inventory! You jet past sports equipment as you trip over some billiard balls and shuttlecocks. You run through the perfume department to your great disgust, as random shop women try to make you sample their horrific scents.

Suddenly you see it! THE OUTDOOR SECTION! You burst through the aisle, and somehow an inflatable raft bursts through its packaging and you jump into it in mid air as you paddle through the fourth story window, and land right in front of the escaping youth, glass and shrapnel glistening the afternoon sky like snowflakes.

"Aw crap." he states in despair

You grasp the youth by his throat and begin choking him.

"Hey man, c'mon show mercy!" he barely stutters out.

Your eyes begin to turn redder than the volcano that your relatively good friend had jumped into five years ago after you dared to pay him three bucks to do so, and your vision goes dark. You can hear far off voices calling to you....D-dad? Could it possibly be the hell bound spirit of your drunken father who was brutally attacked by attack hippos with laser guided sweatervests riding on top of steamrollers in a parade. He died taking out a whole platoon of them before ultimately being shot, then hitting his head off a pipe, burning his hand on a stove, then getting stuck on wet paint, then getting his fingers slammed on a closing window, then smashing his face into a wedding cake, then stepping on a bear trap, right before he fell off a boat, subsquently drowning?

"Anon... come to me son. Come towards the light."

"Dad? Of course I will Dad!"

You begin floating on the ethereal plane of existance and nonexistence in some artsy way of describing such a thing.

"That's right Son, come to hell with me."

"Okay Dad, I don't mi-- Wait."

You stop in your tracks.

"Did you say hell?"

"Yeah, I'm in hell for touching little boys Anon." Your Dad states as he pushes his hands into his coat pockets.

NOPE. Your vision comes back to you and you look at the youth you had been strangling. Shit, looks like when you where strangling him blue, his skin turned pale green. You drop his limp body, and began hurredly writing on a stick it note reading "Goodbye cruel world" and placed it on his corpse, along with a bag of cocaine and also a firearm in his left hand.

You quickly readjust your tie, as you head back to the police station. You turn around, and see that you were in front of the police station the entire time. Your fellow officers, still reveling in piratey goodness stood agast at what has just been witnessed. A girl screams out. "BORT! BROTHER NO!" as she cries over his body. Officer Derpy looks at you in anger and disapproval.

You begin prancing about like a drunkard, flamboyant little sissymary as you try to weasel your way out the situation.

"I know what all of you are thinking, did I just witness my fellow Officer of the Law, an upstanding and may I add astonishingly handsome man, just strangle the sweet precious air from this young man's esophagus?"

You begin twirling around a telephone pole, and hopping like it is the Mayest of Days outside, before suddenly stopping, slightly losing your balance in the process.

"I think the thought you thinkers should be thinking inside your thought thinkers, is that perhaps the young man had actually fallen into my clasping hands, and refused to escape?"

Officer Derpy scracthes her head as Officer Shill shrugs his peg legs and arms.

"Perhaps maybe all of this is just a misunderstanding that can be understood by understanding individuals, up standing in their understood standings, above any misunderstanding....saavy?"

You point of your fingers at the entire debacle of police crewman, who all take a minute to digest what had just been said.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/AiHLMHHbemM?t=1m1s]

The camera pans to an empty street, that a faint echo of a high scream could be heard. The cry gets louder and louder as you run down the street with the speed of the hells fury beneath you. The single scream grew into a clamour of yells, as the entire police squadron dressed up as pirates are right on your tail!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" You scream as you dodge and shimmy inbetween different parked vehicles hoping that one would shield you from the onslaught of drunken disorderlies that are meant to serve and protect this great city of Detroit. You poke your head over your quick hiding spot, and immediately are bombarded with a pie, courtesy of Officer Derpy. You shake your fist at her and curse her name.

"DAMN YOU WOMAN! YOU KNOW I HATE RAZZLEBERRY!"

Officer Shill maniacially giggled to himself as his other officers bought out the mighty Detroit Police Cannon. He yanked off each of his peg legs and loaded them into the cannon.

"FIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

The cannon erupted in a trail of splintery shrapnel, and tore asunder the vehicle that you were hiding behind. DAMNATION! NO WHERE TO HIDE! Oh wait, there's a door right next to you! You quickly jump inside and begin barracading the door with everything you can find. Several chairs, some books, a couple of styrofoam cups, a very tired old person, and to top it off, a piece of chewing gum. Perfect.

"Anon? WHAT THE HAY IS GOING ON HERE?"

You slowly turn around and see Applejack, with her arms crossed, stamping her boot in quite the fuss. Oh thank God, finally this story finally goes back to what it originally meant to be!

"Like I said Anon, what the hay is going on her----" Her words were cut short with a very tight embrace, and a clashing of wriggling tongues. You draw back from your lovers embrace and stare your sweet Dixie waifu in the eyes, for what could be the very last time you do so.

"Whoo wee Anon, I missed ya too, but I didn't think ya missed me that much." Applejack said brushing her hair to the side.

"What do you mean? I can't get enough of you Sugartits!" You state, slapping her right on her apple shaped posterior.

"Ya missed our 12 o clock, AND ya didn't answer my phonecall. I sure hope y'all were busy Anon." Applejack states smacking you across the cheek.

Suddenly a flaming Peg leg cock crashes through the window as the cries from the scruvy public servants erupted.

"YAR! GET THE LOWLIFE! HANG EM FROM HIS NECK UNTIL HE BLEEDS! YARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Applejack stares at you, as you stare back at her.

"Don't think we're done about this Anon." She says as she picks up her baseball bat.

The baricaded door begins rattling like crazy, you reach for the closet thing you can think of as a weapon, which would be a single Q-Tip that has been slightly used.

"Of course not darling, but if we don't make it..." you state as the door rattling intensifies, knowing over the styrofoam cups and slightly waking the lazy old man awake.

"Don't talk like that Anon! We're gonna be jus fine!" Applejack mutters cocking her baseball bat.

The door stops rattling, and you both take a heavy sigh of relief.

"I guess they gave up." You exclaim in relief.

Suddenly you hear a click, you turn around slowly as your stomach turns to solid lead.

You forgot to lock the back door.

The door creaks open slightly....

You quickly look back at Applejack and begin showing how de stressed you were in this situation, by repeatedily sweating from your many manly pores, and squealing like a little girl.Applejack slaps you across the face with a giant hand prop that she had laying around for whatever reason.

"Now Anon, I won't have ya'll thinking that we are going to get our rumps kicked!"

"But Applejack! My rumps was designed speficially to be kicked!" You point to your bodacious booty that has a tattoo reading "Please kick here" right next to the "Property of Angela "Applejack" Jacquiline.

"Don't tell me things I already know sugar muffin, now prep up and get ready for the fight of yer life!" Applejack cocks her baseball several times, as the door swings open and lo and behold a small hamster walks in.

"Ahhh he's so adorable!" You reach down to pet him.

"NEVER DOUBT THE WORM!" The hamster bites you, and runs off back through the door. Suddenly you can hear a clamour of voices from outside the door,

"Look! There be another entry! You know what they say lads, ANY PORT IN A STORM!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR" the scream in repose.

You quickly start panicking, as Applejack grits her teeth in preperation for a whopping. Then suddenly you notice a trap door leading to the basement! You look at the trap door, then to Applejack, then to the trap door again.

"Hey Applejack, did you always have this basement door thing here?"

"Yeah, I use it only for emergencies like Urban Youth Uprisings or Ninja Robot Invasions."

"Do, Police Officers dressed like Pirates coming to kill us count as an emergency?"

"Hmm... nah."

Suddenly Officer Derpy stomps into the Watermelon Fruit Stand with a Kitchen Knife and begins slamming the ground with her single giant hoof that has a high heel screaming

"ISAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCC!"

Nope, you fling the trap door open, and grab Applejacks hand, as you both escape the incoming mob.

You land hard on your back, which stops you from moving temporarily, just like the author of this story, but that's because of a couple of incidents he had with a black sudan back in the summer of July 2008, seriousally fuck you whoever hit me, and fuck you for running off while I was bleeding in the road.

"APPLEJACK? Where are you?"

Your inquiry was met with several moans from something that clearly wasn't Applejack. As you stand up slowly, you squint very hard into the darkness, and you can swear you can see some malformed creature that is coughing up flies.

Nope.

You quickly search your pockets, and find a D-9! You roll it, and suddenly your trusty firearm turns into a Pile of Poop. Well shit.

You fling The Poop! at the fly coughing abomination, and it suddenly explodes into thousands of red flies, hell bent on your destruction.

"FUCK!" You run off screaming like a little girl. Suddenly you ram head first into a smaller, albeit breasty individual.

"CONSARN IT! That hurt!"

"Applejack!" you exclaim rubbing your head.

"Anon!" She responds, rubbing her breasts.

"Where the hell are we?" you quickly act confident and like an Alpha male by her side, knees trembling and biting your fingernails.

"Well, we're in the Emergency Underground. I use it to get back to the house iffin there's any real danger." She looks back at you, then suddenly pushing you away.

"What was that for?" You suddenly get angry.

"I told y'all that we could take em! Jeez, now we have to walk around this dingy place. I hate these tunnels Anon!"

"I can understand why, you've got some weird fucking ass monstrosities down here!"

Applejack looks at you in confusion.

"Whaddya mean Anon?"

"Like the incredibly huge ass segemented worm that has razor sharp teeth right behind you Applejack." You point in fear behind her.

Applejack turns around slowly.

"Oh."

"RUN FOR YER LIFE!"

You and Applejack quickly jump in the air and spin your legs quickly making some type of funny sound effect like you were in some type of animation from back in the 70's about mystery solving. What was it called? Oh right, The Smurfs.

You dash off, as the Lamenting worm roars, chasing after you, leaving several piles of poop behind it, marking its trail.

"APPLEJACK! WHY DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT THERE WAS THIS HORRIBLE MONSTROSITIES IN YOUR FREAKING ESCAPE TUNNELS?" You scream out as you dodge a bug eyed toddler vomiting blood.

"AH DON'T KNOW ANON, Wait... hold on... I do recall something..." She begins pondering as she spins around a mushroom looking creature that poked it head out before quickly hiding again.

"Granny always used to say the family used to be a whole heck of a lot bigger... but some of the children...they weren't made for this world..."

"You mean like a giant flesh blob with no arms or legs, with a terrible set of chompers?" You begin to state.

"Yeah! That sounds like a baby that Granny was tellin me about a couple of years back. We used to call him Montel...how do you know about him"

You take your hand and direct it to the corner. In the darkness, a fat monstroius blob with no legs and no arms smiles gleefully at the two of you.

"Oh." Applejack states, nearly coating your leg with a trail of fear.

The Monstrous Blob flies up into the air, as if it had plans to crush you underneath its grim weight.

You quickly back up, only to hear the roar of lament from the worm behind you.

"FUCK! APPLEJACK WE'RE SCREWED!"

"No we ain't Anon." Applejack grabs your arm.

"Anon, do ya trust me?" She asks coldly.

"Applejack, I really don't think this is the time."

"Do ya trust me Anon?" she repeats, sounding extremely serious.
"Like hell I don't!" You quickly state as you push her off your arm and into the maw of the oncoming oncoming worm.

"ANON! AH THOUGHT YA LOVED ME!" She screams out at you as she collapses right in front of the speeding locomotive of the worm.

"I DO! BUT I LOVE LIVING MORE!" You scream out as you jumped aside, barely missing being crushed to death by the terrible child.

"When I get outta here Anon, I swear to God your gonna get it!" Applejack states shaking her fist at you.

You notice a ladder leading up to a trap door in the corner where the fat parapelgic baby who most likely is a Barney fan and posts on /sci was resting. With a quick leap you grab the rungs of the ladder and make your way to the trap door.

"ANON! SAVE ME!" Applejack screeches out in panic.

You freeze for a moment, as you look back at Applejack, who was still collapsed on the floor, flanked by the fat baby, and being closed in upon the worm. Are you really going to leave your waifu to the horrors that these horrible hollow-hearted horrors of the heart?

Damn it, I guess its time for you to man up and do the thing to make you a manly man, and live up to FULL LIFE CONSEQUENCES!

You begin sprinting as the world suddenly goes into slow motion, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppppleeeeeeeeeeeeeejaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccckkkkkk" you slowly utter making crazy faces as you go through each syllabul.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnoooooooooooooooonnnnnnn" Applejack quips back, her faces making equally strange and derpy motions as the slow passage of time continues.

BoooooooooooongggggggggBuuuuuuuBonnnnnnnnng, Applejacks boobs danced in a slow rhytmic beat of mountians on top of an ocean.

You put your shoulder to her, and tackle Applejack away from the blow of The Blob, and The Worm.

You see a row of razor sharp teeth aiming right for your head and a very filthy anus falling right on top of you. You look to Applejack and smile.

Time reverts back to normality, and suddenly your vision is engulfed in red, and then the world suddenly turns dark.

"ANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN" Applejack screams out.

Your eyes slam open at the speed of eyes slamming opening, and you take a good look around you. It looks like you are in some sort of dark chamber with flickering candles. You look above you, and see a ring of light, as if you are at the bottom of a well. You squint your eyes and see a black statue of a skeleton, wielding a staff, and holding a bowl. In front of him are a noose with a price tag of 2 cents, and a ladder, with the price tag of 5 cents.

You reach into your pockets, and see that you have exactly 5 pennies.

Being the incredibly cheap ass that you are, you decide to put your pennies back into your pocket, and take both the noose and the ladder.

Hmm... something doesn't seem right! YOU KNOW!

You pull down your pants and take a giant dump in the bowl that the black statue had in its left hand. You take the ladder and prop it against the cold well walls, and proceed to make your way towards the light above you, you can swear you hear a low rumble of an angry voice call out.

"Anoooooooooooooooooooon."

Nope. Fuck this, double time up that fucking ladder Anon.

You reach the top of the ladder, and climb over the edge of the well top. Huh. Well I'll be damned. It's the same well that you followed Applejack? to last night on your date, that must mean your in the underground of Oswald Murder Mansion!

Suddenly you hear screams from inside the cold corridors of the maze, it sounds like Applejacks friends! And Twilight too! You quickly run through the incredibly dark and spooky maze, to the best of your ability, your fear slowly growing into panic, which then is turning to MEGA TERROR.

You enter a small chamber that pieces of a silver monkey statue scattered all around it, using your best ability to do so, you try putting the three pieces on top of one another, but for some reason you can't get the head on straight.

Suddenly a Temple Guard jumps out from nowhere, and seeing as you don't have a pendant, he takes you away quickly, and delivers you to the bad guys lair, where oddly enough, Applejack's friends, and Twilight too were there, tied up and struggling against the perverted hands of their clearly some sort of South American captors.

You shake off the Temple Guard, who glares at you, and prepares to hit you in the head with a frying pan before suddenly a voice cries out.

"No, Let me deal with our guest."

The Temple Guard nods his head, and then heads out to hang out in the Tomb of King Ramses.

"Mendoza, I presume?" you spit out.

"Si, It is I, SENOR MENDOZA." He states in a very effiminate voice, befitting his short, stout figure. He waddles his way over to you, brandishing a cigar and a glass of wine, while somehow petting a white fluffy cat in the process, in a spinning chair.

"Why did you kill my partner Mendoza?" You state flatly with no acting talent whatsoever.

"Haha! I see you want answers! Well...you can have this!" Mendoza whips his hand out of his jacket and you wince expecting a hail of bullets into your brain.

Turns out its a tray of salmon puffs, "Would you like a salmon puff?"

"Sure, I guess."

You take a bite out of the salmon puff, which then shoots out a knockout gas.

"Garhggggggggggggle........ " you collapse on the cold floor as each of Applejack's friends roll their collective eyes at you.

"MUHAHAHHAHAHA!" Mendoza laughs as he rubs his hands together.

"And now with Detective Anonymous out of the picture! No one can stop me from filling the streets with dangerous drugs!" Mendoza arches his back and laughs madly into the air. He takes a single step right onto a banana peel, and slides toward a mop bucket, which slips him right into a huge puddle of kitchen oil right in front of the 5th story window of the Oswald Murder Mansion, oddly enough there were a pair of skates in front of the window as well, which Mendoza, while slipping and sliding on various hazards, put his hands inside the skates while trying to regain his balance.

"AYOS DIO MIO!!!!!!!" He screams as he crashes through the stained glass window of a Spooky Skeleton tipping his top hat, and falls in slow motion a whole 50 feet, before rolling down a very steep hill filled with very pointy cacti and also medical waste, because Mayor BabyforaHead didn't nescessarily have the best interest of the environment.

Mendoza continued to roll down the hill of continuing agony, when suddenly he stopped in front of an oil tanker.

He began laughing, as he coughed up blood.

"Ha...ha...I'm alive! I'M ALIVE TO STILL BE THE BAD GUY OF THIS SHOW!"

Suddenly Mendoza's cigar fell right into the oil tankers open gas resevoir that the lazy driver had forgotten to close the last time he went to brunch thinking "Oh what the heck, like some drug lord is going to fall out of a 5 story window, and then down a hill filled with medical waste and cacti, just to have his cigar fall directly into the open gas resevoir that I was too lazy to close off. Yeah, and that'll be the day my Dad calls me and tells me that he's proud of me."

Suddenly across town in a small town diner, a relatively lazy gas truck driver cell phone goes off.

"YEAH HELLO WHADDYA WANT?"

"Son its me..."

"Daddy?"

The explosion was so loud that it could be heard from in Canada, to which spooked local Canadians from their local hockey match with the various bears that they hang out with.

You slowly get to your feet, still dazed from the effects of the salmon puff, as you put your fists into the air.

"C'mon I'll take every single one of you on!"

Mendoza's goons all look at one another, and count up the numbers. 1 Detective Anon, vs, 5, 10, 20 armed goons with several highly trained in martial arts. Yeah. They knew where this was going.

"ABANDON SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!" They scream like little girls and jump out the 5 story window.

By then, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Fluttershy had already undid the bindings themselves and looked casually in your direction as you threw punches left and right.

"Uhh... hey Anon! the fights over!"

"TAKE THAT YA BASTARD! GIVE BACK APPLEJACKS FRIENDS!" You punch Rarity right in the face.

"Owwwwwwwwww........ that really hurt Anon!"

Rarity's eyes welled up with tears, as he eye slightly bruised.

"Oh, sorry Rarity." You stop throwing punches and look at the 5 young ladies.

"Did I win?" You ask stupidly

"Well, techincally they killed themselves, so its sort of a pyrrhic victory Anon..." Twilight began rambling before you quickly shut her up.

"AND THE DAY WAS SAVED THANKS TO ME!" You proudly state, holding your hands on your hips.

"YeahomigoshthatwassoawesomeI'msohappyforyouIcan'tbelieveitthanyousomuch!" Pinkie Pie jumpedup and down excitedly

"Yeah, even though we probably could've handled ourselves pretty well, no offense." Rainbow Dash said hitting your arm.

"I'm just glad someone rescued us from those handsome and very inviting men who were willing to take my virignity." Fluttershy disappointingly grumbled.

"Quite, though it was rather rude of you to have given us to them in the first place Anon. Why would you even think of doing such a thing?" Rarity asked with a stern look of annoyance on her face.

"What do you mean Rarity? I went home with Applejack after last night's display of craziness!" You state in confusion.

"Uhh... no you didn't, Anon." Rainbow Dash said cocking her head sideways.

"In fact, we were all looking for Rarity in the video control room, and then we saw you in the camera." Twilight began.

"Then suddenly, the door opened up, and there you were right behind us!" Fluttershy stated.

"YeahandomigoshyouweresospookyAnonlikeyouwereaghostorsomething" Pinkie Pie shivered as she recanted her tale.

"Indeed, and YOU lead me into a very scary maze hallway with the promise of nude theatrics! I even went down a well for you Anon! But you were no where to be found!" Rarity huffed, her face turning red.

"Wait, you went down the well Rarity?" You asked quizzingly.

"Well, indeed I did Anon. You were nude, and you beckoned me forth. What else could I do?"

You quickly grab Rarity by her shoulders.

"WHAT DID YOU SEE?"

I.....well...I...ALRIGHT FINE!" She blurted out.

"There was this statue down there, and I...well..."

"Yes Rarity, What did you do?"

"Well I...."

Suddenly a loud southern scream echoed through the halls of the Oswald Murder Mansion! That was Applejacks scream! Or some very effiminate truck driver!

You grab Rarity's shoulders again and shook them intensely.

"WHAT DID YOU DO RARITY?"

"I OFFERED MY ETERNAL SOUL TO HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF!"

Wait....WHAT?

"The statue spoke to me, it knew of my desires...and I couldn't help myself Anon."

You drop your arms, and begin to speak.

"Rarity, I lost my best friend to several gang fighters, I was chased down by my entire precindt after a yellow skinned child assaulted my car, also Applejack and I were attacked by several horrible monstrosities in her secret escape tunnel..."

Fluttershy pulls Pinkie Pie in close. "Is that a metaphor?"

Pinkie Pie shrugs.

"...And you are telling me you made a pact with some demonic skeleton statue, to have me all to yourself?"

"....Yes?" She meekly stuttered.

"Rarity...." I began.

"RARITY! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?" Twilight blurts out. Looks like she gets it.

"Whatever do you mean Twilight?" Rarity jumps back in agast.

"Anon's friend wasn't killed because of Mendoza! He was killed because of you! He wasn't attacked by his Police Officers and Horrible Monsters in the Tunnels just by coincidence! THIS IS ALL YOUR DOING?"

Rarity crumbles in shock.

"You mean to say....?"

"Yes Rarity." You walk over to her,

"You are the villain here." you state coldly.

Rarity gasps, as do the others.

"Oh dear Anon, I'm so sorry, I didn't know... I just wanted to..."

"I know. But now Applejack is in danger. We have to fix this." You quickly end her words.

"But what can we do Anon?" Twilight asks

"Yeah, Rarity sold her soul!" Fluttershy exclaims.

"ANDSPOOKYSKELLYTONSCANNOTINTOREALANON!" Pinkie Pie blurts out.

"It's simple..." You pull out your The Poop! and hold it for all to behold!

"We kill the Devil." You state coldly as you clench your fist, dripping poop everywhere on the floor. The girls both in shock and disgust at what you had said and done.

"But...how do we even get back to the corridors?" Twilight asked inquisitivally.

"Yeah, we got hijacked by appairently not you and lead here!" Rainbow said shaking her head.

"AndItotallydidn'tremembertaking3stepstotheleftandhittingthehiddenswitchthatwasrightbehindthisbookcasethatleadstoasecretelevatorthattakesyourightothecontrolroomoranything." Pinkie muttered randomly.

"Yeah... if only we knew some way to get there quickly." You mutter to yourself, as you accidentially slip on the bookcase behind you, hitting a hidden switch that revealed a secret elevator.

"Huh? Who knew?" Twilight said bemused.

"Yeah, that was convienant!" Rarity stated.

"ThatwassuchabigsurpriseIhadnoideathatwasgonnahappen!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed happily.

"Alright girls, Let's go save Applejack! Or whoever was screaming with a Southern accent!"

"YEAH!" They all exclaim as you all cram into the very small elevator.

With adrenaline running through your veins, and also various chesticles bumping into your side you prepare yourself for the incredibly intense and epic battle that you are about to have.

Suddenly a loud fart breaks the interlude, and Twilight, Rainbow, Pinkie, Rarity, and Fluttershy all look at you.

"Sorry, had Taco Bell for lunch." You laugh nervousally.

The elevator doors open, and the girls quickly scramble out of the nauseating gas chamber.

Your jaw drops in horror, as do the trope of nauseated and nicely nuanced newcomers beside you. The initially relatively spooky maze corridors had transformed into a even more spooky maze corridor! The once cold stone interior had turned into heated black basalt, with thin pulsating lines of molten magma running through them, as if veins lining the arm of a horrid demon. The air smelled of phosporus and sulfur, and tasted rich of ash and blood. But then again, you did just fart out an entire Taco Bell burrito and soft taco special, so you could be mistaking which was which.

"W-w-what should we do n-n-now Anon?" Rainbow Dash stammered as her knees clacked together.

"We should probably go to where all that mysterious clacking and rattling sounds are coming from." You state, pointing to a particulary terrifying corridor that had COBWEBS hanging in the corner.

Fluttershy fainted at the sight, as Twilight rolled her eyes.

"C'mon everyone. For Applejack!" You boldly state.

You take a single step, and the gaggle of gals all huddle behind you in fear. The chants and rattles grow louder and louder the further down you and the girls go.

" Querelas Equo mulieribus.Moriaris otiosum Donec aliquet AD DOMINUM ALBO DATOS, ARGENTO, LECTIO DCCXXII -XTW reliquisti luminaria"

With a sudden burst, you find yourself in the inner sanctum of the corridor maze. The once dimly light well, was now as brightly lit as very pits of hell! Flames flickered around the well as shadows swirled about, screaming and revelling in delight.

"APPLEJACK! WE'RE HERE TO RESCUE YOU!" You shout out.

The fires dimmed, and then died. A faint clacking of footsteps could be heard, as if something was coming out of the well.

"Anon?" You could hear her sweet voice.

"Yeah its me Sugartits, and all of your friends too... Rarity's here too I guess." You calmly explain.

Suddenly silence for a moment.

"S-sugartits?" You mutter.

SUDDENLY THE FIRES ROARED ONCE MORE AS APPLEJACK FLEW OUT OF THE WELL CRACKING HER HEAD IN UNHOLY WAYS, POINTING HER FINGER AT RARITY, UNLEASHING A HORRENDOUS BELLOW THAT SEEMED TO CLEAVE SOULS!

"APPLEJACK WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?" You scream out in pain against the ongoing whaling of her infernal scream.

Applejack then turned her awful gaze upon you, her eyes darker than the eternal void as the cackling shadows around her begin whirling faster and faster, like a maelstrum of terrible evil.

Well shit.

"Applejack, I don't want to fight you!" You slowly walk towards Applejack, struggling against the growing current of malevolant wind blowing through the chamber. The currents flipped up the skirts of the Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and also Rarity, but you were having too much of a serious moment to notice all their very attractive undergarments.

Applejack snapped her neck and swung her arm in your direction, as a line of shadows followed her direction and slashed at you.

"URGGGGGGGG! FUCK!" You jump back and feel the wound. Damn! It even cut your favourite tie!

"Applejack! You aren't yourself! Please stop attacking us!" You throw your arms in the air.

"Or at least me, to be honest I don't care much for your friends." you whisper behind your hand.

"GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Applejack howled as the fires lining the well began spreading around the room like some sort of fiery cyclone.

"APPLEJACK! I WILL NOT FIGHT YOU! AH AH AH AH AH!" You jump around burning your ankles slightly.

Finally Applejack snaps her head 360 degrees, before she lunges directly at your throat.

"ANOOOOOOOON!" The girls scream at you as you close your eyes.

You know what must be done.

"RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRGHHHHH" Applejack screeches horribly as her hands close in on your juggelar.

SMACK!

Suddenly the flames die down, the shadows retreat, and Applejacks eyes return to normal.

You lower your hand and gaze upon the imprint you left on Applejack's cheek.

"What the hay was that for Anon?" She muffled behind tears. "That really hurt you know?"

"APPLEJACK!" The girls all exclaimed.

"Everyone! AND TWILIGHT TOO!" Applejack responded in cheer!

Applejack and her friends embraced one another, you smiled and sighed a deep breath.

It's over.

Applejack looked around the spooky chamber and asked the obvious question.

"What the heck is going on around here?"

You begin to chuckle as you go to explain, when suddenly you feel something wrap around your ankle, and drag you down into the deep abyss behind you.

"ANON! NO! I CAN'T LOSE YA AGAIN!" Applejack quickly grabs your wrists, struggling to keep you from being swallowed by the void that beckoned you forth.

"Applejack, I don't even... what do you mean again?" You stammered, trying to kick the scaly tentacle from your ankle.

"Anon... when you took those varmints head on, they didn't kill ya. They...they carried ya off. I tried stopping them, but to be honest I was so scared that I went home and punched Applebloom in the face..."

Ha. Nice.

"And then out of nowhere, you show up at my door, and then run off! I just had ta follow ya!" Her grip began loosening, as the other girls jumped in and tried helping Applejack pull you back from the well.

"Wait...I showed up at your door Applejack?" You state, being pulled across some thumbtacks and misplaced jacks.

"Yeah, but when I went to chase after ya, I was hogtied and I woke up in front of this Black Statue of a Skeleton!"

You freeze and look up at her.

"What did you do Applejack?"

"I...asked, that I could find you again, I didn't know that I would've become such a monster if I had done so..."

You look back at the well, and back to Applejack and her friends. (Also Twilight) and you boldly state.

"Let go."

"WHAT? ARE YOU INSANE ANON?" Applejack slapped you across the penis.

"No I'm not... but I think I can stop this madness. You have to let go Applejack."

"I'LL NEVER LET GO!" She angryily replied.

"Then...." You let go of her arms, and fall backwards into the abyss. "I will."

"ANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON" Applejack nearly launches herself into the well herself, if her friends didn't hold her back she would've.

You turn around and smile.

"Lets do this."

You descend to the blackened floor of the well, and stand up. The black statue of Skeleton sits there radiating a terrible aura, as if sweating sheer malevolance.

"You." You quietly state.

The Black Skeleton Statue smiles at you, as it disappears into thin air.

"WHERE YOU GO YOU BASTARD?" You scream out.

You feel a punch hit you right in the gut, you keel over as you look for your assaulter, suddenly you are hit from behind, you cough in pain as a sudden assault to your left and right side to your ribs.

"COME OUT AND FACE ME COWARD!" You blurt out, whimpering internally as your ribcage cracks.

"Oh? Face you? I think I can do that." a voice called out, not from behind you, not in front of you, but everywhere all at once.

A figure steps out from the shadows and smiles at you.

"N-no.." you stutter.

You limp back slightly, as you are met with your own mirror image, staring at you with a ravenous and murderous hunger in his eyes.

"Wha....WHAT ARE YOU?" You scream out, rushing forward with a haymaker.

The Mirror You catches your fist, and plants one of his right into your ribs, shattering your ribcage.

"Oh sorry, you don't like this image? How about this one?" he coldly states.

You pant in pain as you look up to Applejack staring back at you. "Is this better Anon? Don't you just want to fuck me Anon?"

"Apple----jack?" you murmur.

Suddenly you feel a boot right the underside of your jaw, and your bottom teeth slamming against the roof of your mouth. You fall backwards clenching your mouth in intense pain.

Applejack walks towards you, sporting a voracious grin, "Or is this not pleasing for you? I know, how about a childhood friend?"

Her face transfigured into Norman's.

"Why didn't you save me Anon?" He pleaded with tears in his eyes.

You get to your feet, crouching over in pain. "Norman...I...I'm..."

"WHAT? YOU'RE SORRY?" Norman kicks you in the stomach.

"GAAAAAAAH!" You double over and fall to the ground.

"YOU'RE SO SORRY THAT YOU LET YOUR BEST FRIEND DIE RIGHT IN YOUR ARMS?"

He kicks you over and over again.

"No, you haven't felt pain yet Anon. I will show you pain."

You lift you head slowly and see Rarity standing above you.

"Ohh... Mr Anon, are you looking up my skirt? Do you want to fuck my tight little pussy?"

Rarity starts jabbing at her own nethers, as you cough in pain.

She slams her boot on the back of your head over and over agian.

"That's right, I did all of this, JUST FOR YOU! WHO COULD EVER LOVE YOU ANON?"

"E-enough...."

"Hmmm?" Rarity crouched down and pulled you up by the scruff of your hair.

"What was that?" She said with a shit eating grin.

"W-what do you want?" You spit out.

"I wanted my 5 cents Anon." She said coldly, turning her head away from you.

"But then I realized something...there's something I wanted even more...." Her face began melting away into a charred black skull.

"You had two people willing to offer up their eternal souls for you..." her hair fell out strand by strand, as miniature flames began leaking through the flesh, alarming your nostrils intensely.

"So, I changed what I want. I don't want your money, or your women, or even your soul Anon...." The flesh had completely seared off, and her face turned to yours, eye sockets alight with green flames, that spread across its brow and crown.

"I WANT YOUR VERY EXISTENCE!" It bellowed out as you struggled against its grip.

"Ah ah ah! Don't struggle, I can't this body already more than I have." It stated as it lifted its bony finger and placed in your mouth, prying it open.

"That's right. Open up Anon." It pulls your face closer to its, as you stare directly into its flaming eyesockets.

The Skeleton opens its jaw slowly and exhales flames, and draws your mouth into its own.

"May we live happily ever after Anon." It whispers slowly.

You then decide that enough was enough, and uppercut its jaw, despite the great amount of pain it takes to even lift your arms. The Skeletons jaw flies off and smashes against the wall of of the well.

"You dick." It mumbles.

Suddenly you feel a punch to your stomach again, and again. Every blow the Skeleton changed faces,Applejack, To Pinkie Pie, Twilight, To Rarity, To Rainbow Dash, To Fluttershy, To Applebloom, To Norman, To Officer Derpy, That One Homeless Guy who keeps on getting hurt.

You begin coughing up blood, and you look up breifly, right before you see yourself come at you with a drop kick right to the face.

You land backwards and hit the well wall with a crash. You hear a definative crack in your spine, and you fail to get to your feet.

You suddenly feel a hand at your throat, and raising against your own will.

"Shame, looks like I broke you."

"Oh well, I think your friends are stupid enough to just think I'm you if I just look like you. Real shame. Any last words?"

You open your eyes and see yourself smiling wickedly as his faces swapping through a palette of your friends and loved ones, as his grip on your throat grows tighter and tighter.

"Yeah. You're jealous." you cough out.

"What...did you say you little shit?" His face immediately dropped the voracious grin, to a scowl that intensified by the second.

"Yeah... you're jealous. That's the reasoning behind all of this."

You feel his grip loosening and you drop to the ground, however you don't stop.

"Whatever the hell you are, you sure are hilarious. Seriously. Thinking you can feel loved and appreciated just by copying someone."

"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" He begins screaming as his face starts fluttering through different faces.

You point your finger weakly an continue.

"You are so pathetic. Who could ever love someone as pathetic as you? You must really suck as a person if you have to emulate to gain attention."

"I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!" He began ripping away at his own faces.

You gather the strength to stand, and continue your assault.

"You know what you are? You're just a Terrible Mime who is Envious."

"I'LL RIP YOUR FUCKING EYEBALLS OUT!" He screeches as he launches toward you. You quickly slap him in the face with the noose, to which he looks at you in confusion.

"Want an answer to end the pain?"

You hobble closer to his ear.

"Kill yourself samefag"

You chuckle and walk off, as he screams in frustration.

"FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU." He mutters as he throws the noose around his neck,

"So long, Good Twin"

You collapse from the pain and exhaustion, but you can swear you could hear a quick snapping sound.

But maybe that was your ribs...you look at your hand, and you see your rib bone.

Yeah, that was your ribs.

Your not sure when Applejack and her friends went down the well to rescue you, or how long you were unconscious for or what exactly the Noose and destroyed face of the Black Skeleton Statue meant, or how you ended up in the hospital, those things we certainly not clear to you, the only thing you knew is that when your eyes opened, the first thing you saw was your Dixie waifu, sitting right next to you in your hospital bed.

"...Applejack?" You stirred from sleep.

"Anon? ANON? HEY EVERYONE ANON'S AWAKE!" Applejack hollered as she embraced you and put those sweet mammeries right on top of your face.

Suddenly the room exploded with people, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Mr and Mrs Cake, Officer Derpy, Applebloom, Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz, and even Frank, the guy who wasn't included in the story!

"Everybody! What are you doing here?" You state weakly.

"We heard about what happened at Oswald Murder Mansion Anon!" Officer Derpy stated.

"Yeah, and we were so worried about our favourite customer!" Mr Cake began before Mrs Cake interupted him.

"YEAH, WHOSA GONNA KEEP US IN BUSINESS YA BIG SCHLEMMEIL?" she stated slapping you in the arm.

"Sorry Anon, we didn't know that the kid you strangeled was with Mendoza. We are really sorry, all of us are at the office." Officer Derpy wiped tears from her eyes.

"And when you get back, expect a big fat pay raise and promotion for taking out the Biggest Drug Crime Lord in the Mid West Vice Commissioner Anonymous!" Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz gruffed out from beneath her manly cop 'stache.

"I'm just so happy my favouriest future brother in law is okay!" Applebloom said hugging you, before accidentally hitting herself in the face with the IV stand. Everyone laughed.

"I had nothing to do with this story!" Frank said before leaving suddenly.

"Thank you so much for all your trouble Anon!" Twilight exclaimed, she pulled in closely to you. "Don't we didn't tell anyone about that other thing."

You give Twilight a huge thumb's up.

"Yeah, that was a hell of a show Anon! Looks like you're definately man enough!" Rainbow Dash crossed her arms and brightly beamed.

"Y-yeah...he sure is..." Fluttershy blushed as she poked her two fingers together.

"OMIGOSHYOUARETHEBESTESTWILLYOUBEMYBOYFRIENDANON?" Pinkie blurted as she jumped on top of your healing ribcage.

"PINKIE!" Twilight grabbed her off your chest.

"Thanks Pinkie...but I already have a girlfriend." You take Applejack's hand, and look her deeply in the eyes.

"And I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world." Applejack blushed as everyone went.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww........"

"C'mon everyone, let's give Anon some personal space." Twilight said as she began directing the crowd to vacate your premises. Applejack begins to leave, but you hold her tight.

"Don't. Please hold on Sugartits."

She embraces you, and kisses your lips. "Always. I always will. Funnyface."

She straddles your body and you draw the curtains to your bed. Now you certainly didn't need CPR, but the way the bed was hopping up and down, it certainly seemed like you were receiving some sort of resuscitationary action.

Meanwhile, out in the hall.

"Oh Dr Liebowitz! Do you have Anon's scans?" Twilight called out to the doctor.

"Indeed I do... but there was something weird... here take a loo at this."

Twilight looked at the photograph that was handed to her.

"Oh God, is that what I think it is?" She whispers.

"Yes. That tumor that was in his head? It was alive when you brought Anonymous to us."

"How can that be Doctor?" Twilight asked.

"Have you ever heard of 'In Utero' death Twilight Sparkle?" Dr Liebowitz began, walking down the hallway with her.

It's officially 3 weeks since you were released from the hospital, able to walk on your own again, and as stated, you were given a fat promotion at the office, and every Tuesday was "Act like a Pirate Day" which won over the city very well, that Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz was actually recently elected Judge Magistrate for the entire city of Detroit. With the spot empty, you were picked instantly for the position, no and ifs ors or buts about it. As you left the office early today, you left it in the capable hooves of Vice Commissioner Derpy, who now was extremely strict about being directly on time, and in fact wanted people to show up late or early, but never on time.

You look at your 1995 Camarro, and sigh. Fuck it, you haven't been able to walk for a while, might as well go for a stroll.

You throw your hands into your pockets and begin whistling a Soviet tune, when suddenly your tune is accompanied by another whistler.

"Howdy there pardner."

"Howdy yourself there Missy."

The two of you continue to stroll, hands in your pockets, and enjoying the beauty of another Detroit day.

"Nowhere special." You say throwing your arms around her shoulder.

"Hmm... that sounds nice. Can I come along?" She puts her hand on your back, and rests her head on your shoulder.

"Anytime SugarTits."

"Thanks Funnyface."

The two of you walk off into the sunset as several urban youths steal some guys tires, and a pigeon poops on a homeless guy covered in bandaids.

You begin humming to yourself as the end credits began rolling.

"Woke up this morning feeling fine... had something special on my mind..."