Chapter One: Don't Make Fun Of Spike's Apron
Chapter One: Don't Make Fun Of Spike's Apron
"For the love of Celestia, Spike! I know you're still technically a baby, but do you really have to behave like one?! You're twelve years old! Just because dragons don't physically mature as fast as ponies doesn't mean you're entitled to throw wanton temper tantrums!!", exclaimed an exasperated Twilight Sparkle, her voice echoing in the cavernous foyer of the library. Spike kicked over a stack of books in anger and crossed his arms over his pink aproned chest with a scowl.
"I'm not throwing a temper tantrum! I've got a good reason to be pissed! If you're such a friggin' genius, how come you're the only one who doesn't get it? And what do "wontons" have to do with all this? We're not talking about food!" How couldn't she understand? She was in the same boat as he was!
"Not "wonton" as in Ib'Xianese takeout! "W-a-n-t-o-n!" It means "indiscriminate" and "spiteful." Was she seriously trying to give him a vocabulary lesson right now?
"Whatever! You missed the point as usual!"
"Of course, I get the point, Spike! I hate having to leave my friends behind all the time, too! But I have obligations." The mauve Alicorn magically restacked the books he kicked over. Owliscious was perched atop Twilight's lectern with an apathetic expression gracing his avian features. He was used to this scenario. He'd seen it almost a hundred times by now.
"But we just got back from the Castle a month ago! Why do we have to go back all of a sudden!? Man, this blows..."
Spike hated staying at Canterlot Castle. Not only did he have to leave all his friends in Ponyville behind, but he had to be on his best behavior...so as to not embarrass "Her Royal Majesty" in front of all the pompous douchebags that cavorted about, sucking up to her. He always had to keep his voice down in the halls, and the guards gave him mean looks wherever he went. It wasn't his fault he got bored and played pranks on them. Those guys had absolutely no sense of humor. Apparently, they'd formed a pretty low opinion of him after he and Twilight last visited the Castle...he'd sneaked into the guard captain's quarters and called them all out to formation for inspection in the courtyard over the intercom...in the pouring rain...wearing their helmets backwards...while singing the Equestrian National Anthem. How was he supposed to know they were dumb enough to fall for it and stand there at attention singing like that until the next morning? Then again...it probably didn't help that he'd put up a hot pink banner behind them that read "Butt Stallions United! Out, Loud, and Proud!!" But it was hot pink! How the hell didn't they notice it when they went outside?!
"I know, Spike, and I'm sorry. But I'm a Royal Princess now...and that means I have royal duties now." (...hehehe...."doodies"...man...I've been hanging around Rainbow too much lately...)
"So...what?! Does that mean we gotta' pack up and leave every time the Castle has another stupid console...conscript...uhh...consort.."
"Consortium. A royal consortium. And, yes...we do."
"Well...that's a royal pain in the ass!"
"Spike! Language!"
"What? Now that you're a princess, you can't say "ass"?!"
"No, I've never liked the use of profanity. You know that. I know you're at the age where you think cursing is "cool" or some such nonsense, but it isn't...it's childish and inappropriate. And furthermore...it-" (What a windbag...)
"Oh, get off your soapbox, Twi! You're not my mom!"
"Trust me! I know! If I were, I'd wash your mouth out with soap!"
Twilight was more like a big sister than a mother. It was Princess Celestia who'd served in that capacity after he'd been hatched twelve years ago on that day of Twilight's entry exam for the School of Gifted Unicorns. Eleven year old Twilight and Spike had both been raised by Celestia afterwards....the Princess was more a mother to Twilight than her own biological mom in a lot of ways. The two of them had grown up together under Celestia's watchful eye at the school. Eventually, Twi went on to graduate, earning not one but two doctorates and became Celestia's personal protégé...a fact that likely went to her head despite her constant attempts to "humble" herself. Of course, Twilight's so-called "modesty" didn't stop her from ordering Spike around and patronizing him. Even though they usually got along pretty well, her tendency to "nurture" him caused some friction...and as it was an inevitability of sibling friction, they got into the occasional fight. Spike loved his adopted sister dearly, but she could be a giant, sanctimonious pain in his ass sometimes. Which is why he loved it when Rainbow played the occasional prank on her...it always put things in perspective for her.
"I'll say whatever I want, and you can't stop me! Ass, fart, turd, queef!" Twilight likely didn't even know what a "queef" was.
"Would you cut that out!? Honestly, Spike! I'm just trying to elevate you!"
"And now you're making fun of me 'cuz I'm short!"
"Ugh!! You're impossible!"
"So is your face!" (Burn! Take that!)
"That doesn't even make any sense!"
"Neither does your face!" (Yeah! Double burn!)
"What...what does that even?...I don't...ugh...I need an aspirin..." Twilight put her hoof to her forehead in exasperation and walked towards the library's kitchen. Oh, no she didn't! She was only trying to bail on him, because she knew he was winning the argument!
"Oh, no you don't! You're not just gonna' act like you're "above it all" and walk away on me like you're soooo much more mature! You know I'm right!" Twilight opened the kitchen cabinet and took out a bottle of aspirin.
"Spike...for the love of God! Would you PLEASE stop shouting and listen to reason? I don't have a choice here. And it was just a year ago that you were angry at me for trying to "replace" you with Owliscious...now you're angry that I want your help?" She opened the bottle and began filling a small glass of water...she popped two aspirins and washed them down.
"That's not it at all! You're just trying to make me sound ungrateful or something! Every time I start making friends of my own and try to learn who I am, I gotta' drop everything to run off with you to the Castle or go save Equestria from certain doom!...wait...scratch that last part..."
"I've never stopped you from making friends! How could you say something like that?" He was really just looking for any excuse he could find to get out of having to stay at the Castle. The food there was terrible. Princess Celestia was on a new dieting kick, and she always made Spike take part with her when they stayed. He couldn't stand soy milk, celery, and all that other crap. That was chick food. He loved Canterlot, but it wasn't worth staying at the Castle and giving up fried food to visit their old hometown.
"Okay...maybe not...b-but every time I try to branch out and do my own thing, you gotta' throw me for a loop! You never let me try to find myself! I just started taking guitar lessons at the rec center! You want me to just waste 30 bits for nothing?!" He was a free spirit, man. Why couldn't she just like...let him find himself?
"First off... I paid for your guitar lessons after you begged me. Secondly...that was after I'd already paid for those hip hop dance classes that you quit last week. And lastly...the week before that, I had to pay for your "junior magician's starter kit"...that you intentionally threw away...so you could guilt me into paying for your dance lessons!!" She almost made it all sound really stupid. Where'd she get the nerve?
"That's...that's totally different!!" Yeah. Totally different.
"How?! How is taking guitar lessons that you're probably going to quit once you get bored of them any different?"
"B-because!....because they're guitar lessons!" Technically, he wasn't wrong. Yeah. He sure told her.
"Oh...for the love of....They have FREE music lessons in the auditorium at the Castle! The court composer could teach you to play guitar!" (Oh. Crap.)
"S-so?! The...uhh...the acoustics at the Castle are like...uhh...totally wrong for my style of playing!" (Nice save...nice.)
"Oh, really? And what style of music would that be, Spike? Please elaborate." (Shit.)
"Uhh...I'm going for like a...kinda'...like an indie/punk/jazz/ska fusion sorta' sound. It's called "indipunkskajazz." It's pretty experimental." Twilight rolled her eyes. She wasn't buying it.
"Oh, please! This is just another stupid ploy to impress Rarity! Just like the dance lessons and magic kit!" She was onto him...he needed to play his "trump card." Begging.
"Oh, come on, Twilight! I don't wanna' go! You'll do fine without me! Why can't I just stay and take care of the library?"
"Because you aren't old enough to stay by yourself, and I need your help! If I leave you here all by yourself, you'll just binge on ice cream, get sick, and burn the library to the ground! You left the stove on yesterday while I was at the Mayor's office!" Oh. He'd forgotten about that.
"Big deal! That was just that one time! It was a fluke! I'm totally fine on my own! Just name one other time when I-"
"Gladly! The time you ran off to go join the Dragon Migration...the first time you petsat for us when we went to the Crystal Empire to meet the Equestria Games inspector...the second time you petsat and tried to sell Fluttershy's rabbit to that Gryphonic chef for his new dish...the time you had to give PeeWee back to his parents, because you didn't know the first thing about taking care of a baby phoenix...and most recently...the last time I left you alone at the Castle, and you almost made half the Castle Guard come down with pneumonia...I believe I already mentioned leaving the stove on and trying to frame Owliscious for mouse-murder. Am I forgetting anything? Need I go on?" Not good. She had him on the ropes.
"No...."
"I thought so."
"It's...it's still not fair!" So not fair.
"Life isn't fair, Spike. That's a fact." Apparently, that went doubly so for Spike the dragon's life. So not fair, man.
"W-well...I don't wanna' go! You can't make me!!" He was like...a big, macho super stud who was practically all grown up already! She couldn't tell him what do! She wasn't the boss of him! He was going to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted!..because...that's...what being a grown up was about! (...I might need to do a quick fact check for that last bit...) Twilight merely shook her head in resignation. She didn't seem upset anymore...she was completely calm and had a sad look in her eyes. Uh oh. Spike knew what that meant. She was about to unleash "the nuclear option."
"If you really don't want to go, I won't force you. But I'll be very disappointed in you. Honestly...you're being very selfish, Spike. You're not the only one who's going to suffer. I'm leaving my friends here, too, you know. I can hardly believe you can't stray a little outside your comfort zone to help me when I need you the most. And after all we've been through together..." Of course. She had to play the "guilt card." It easily trumped begging. She had sunk his "argument" entirely. (Crap. Abandon ship!)
"...*sigh*...fine...I'll start packing in a bit..." Twilight's expression softened. He could tell she felt bad about uprooting him from Ponyville and his friends. But...apparently not bad enough to let him stay.
"I'm sorry, Spike...but....tell you what...why don't you just take the day off today?" He perked up immediately.
"Huh?"
"You can go see all your friends before we leave. You know...say your farewells and the like."
"Aww, man...you're making it sound like we're never coming back to Ponyville!" Mostly it was the "say your farewells" bit that was the culprit in that regard.
"What?! How absurd! Of course, we're coming back, Spike! Just...ugh...just go take a walk or something...clear your head for a bit." Eh. Sounded like a good idea.
"Fine. Whatever...thanks..."
He didn't want to sound too grateful...that wasn't cool. And Spike was all about being cool, son. He was like...the hippest dude ever...the coolest cat in town. He was about on par with Rainbow Dash in terms of radicalness...well...almost. Spike was about "three popped collars" cool. Rainbow was about a five...but he was catching up to her! At least he was the second coolest cat in town. That was something, right? That was some consolation...and being the second coolest person in town was still pretty damn cool. So cool, in fact, that it made Spike wonder why none of his inherent coolness had seemed to rub off on his adopted big sister. His coolness was like radiation...she should've gotten at least a little bit irradiated by now...(wait...that sounds...stupid.)
"Cheer up, Spike. I promise we won't be gone for longer than three months at the most. We'll be back before you know it...and look on the bright side...you'll appreciate Ponyville even more after you've been missing it for a while, so you'll love it here even more after we get back." That last part rang true for Spike, as Ponyville had quickly supplanted Canterlot as his beloved hometown...but he couldn't say the same for Twilight's "promise." The last time they'd visited the Castle she'd promised him they wouldn't stay there longer than a few days. They ended up staying three weeks.
"Yeah. I guess..."
"Remember what I told you the last time we left Ponyville? In the famous words of the Equus Empire poet, Sextus Somniator, "Absence only makes the heart grow fonder." You'll have a newfound appreciation for Ponyville when we get back. I promise." A maxim? Lame. (Ha! More like "Incense only makes the fart seem stronger." Hehehe...I crack me up.)
"Sure, Twi. Whatever you say." He was too cool to care about what an old, dead guy in a toga had to say. Togas were stupid. They were just bed sheets that you wrapped around yourself. And most importantly...togas didn't have collars to pop. What a travesty.
"Well, I'm glad we're not fighting anymore at the very least."
"...*sigh*...man...so what're you gonna' be doing all day while I'm gone?" He guessed she'd be reading something. Something boring. And nerdy. And complicated. But mostly just boring.
"I have to catch up on some of my studying for the consortium. Some of the world's most brilliant academics are going to be there, so I need to review a few things.", she said while smiling at him.
Yep. Boring. But he didn't want to hurt her feelings...Twilight took a great pride in her intellectualism and reveled in her studies. Studying magical theory, Equestrian history, and the assorted sciences was her life's calling. But Spike couldn't understand how Twilight could possibly think reading a bunch of books while being glued to the same spot for hours was "fun." Life's calling notwithstanding, he'd never openly bash her obssession It'd be like telling an artist who'd passionately painted pictures for years that his life's work was "lame." Twilight smiled warmly at him...apparently, she was just relieved he wasn't arguing with her anymore. A sudden wave of shame and affection for his adopted sibling overtook him. Spike felt like a jerk for giving her such a hard time about something over which she had no control. He felt the least he could do was feign interest in her studies or something. At least to let her know he wasn't mad at her anymore. She'd probably be delighted that he wanted to talk about science and stuff. He decided that a "little, white lie" was in order.
"Sounds...uhh...fun. Yep. Nothing's better than studying, huh?" If that lie had been anymore blatant, it would've announced it's conception with an air raid siren. Not his best performance, he had to admit. (Still better than Manethew Trotterick...why in the hell did they cast him of all ponies as Batmare's nemesis!? Every scene, he's just staring into the camera and mouthbreathing!) Twilight raised one eyebrow with incredulity.
"Hmm? Since when have you ever taken an interest in learning, Spike?"
Twilight shot him an exasperated expression of tired, unenthusiastic resignation. That was unusual. Normally...if Spike so much as even hinted towards something academic in a conversation with the purple Alicorn, she would start gleefully gushing about stuff like "hypotheses"... and "empirical evidence"....or "the foremost authority on convalescent magical theory"...or something like "the various sociopolitical factors that could potentiate the severity of the current economic recession in Equestria." Spike hadn't the foggiest as to the meaning of any of those things. Which was good...because...like...knowing a bunch of stuff from books was totally for nerds, and Spike was anything but a nerd. It wasn't like any of that stuff mattered. None of it had any application in the "real world," as he saw it...and according to Rainbow. It was all just a way for dorks with no life to make stuff up to sound "smart", so they could finally feel good about themselves. Spike wasn't into that. He kept shit real. He was a real OG, son. He was far too cool for school, man. And big words. And reading anything more academically advanced than a comic book. And long division. And good grammar. And...simple arithmetic. Spike didn't feel very smart all of a sudden...
"Uhh...well...just now?" Pretty weak. And she could tell.
"Oooookkkaaaay. Well, then...to answer your question: Oh, dear God, no. It most certainly isn't fun. It's the very antithesis of fun. In fact...and you can call me trite for saying this if you want...I'd go so far as to equate all this to sadomasochistic self-loathing. Pouring back over a bunch of grad school-level treatises on the Philosophy of Magic that I've already read multiple times is pretty much tantamount to Ib'Xianese water torture." Wow. That was...wow. He'd never thought Twi would say all that stuff in a million years!
"Uhh....what? Don't you normally love this kinda' stuff?"
"Well...of course, I do, Spike. When it's not reviewing. Learning something new is always exciting...but having to review things I've already learned is incredibly tedious." Oh. Well, that sounded a lot more like the good ole' Twilight Sparkle he knew and loved. Well...his work was done here. He'd done his good deed for the day.
"Huh. Guess that makes sense...so do you need me to get anything from the store while I'm out?" She magically levitated a massive red tome off a high shelf and placed it on her lectern. She blew the dust off it...she hadn't read this book in a while.
"No...nothing I can think of, Spike. But thanks for asking. Well...*groan*... I need to get cracking at this, if I want to be done reviewing by the next solar eclipse and the like." That was his cue to beat it. He obliged her.
"Yeah, yeah...sure, Twi. I'll be back in while..." He was relieved she was giving him the day off, but he was still feeling a little huffy about having to leave Ponyville. She had a point, though. Maybe a stroll around town would clear his head. But as he was about to leave, he suddenly heard a knock at the door...
"Hey, Twi! Spike! Somepony! Jeez, man! Today would be nice.", called a familiar voice from outside the door. (Rainbow?) He'd barely begun moving to answer the door before she'd already knocked again.
“Hey, Twilight! Open up, willya’?” (Jeez! Just wait like...two seconds!)
Rainbow wasn't the most patient of ponies...which made sense considering she was likely the fastest flyer in all Equestria. Maybe even the world. In Rainbow's eyes, everypony else probably seemed maddeningly slow. Spike unlocked the door and opened it to reveal the colorful, petite form of his favorite "girlbro." (Huh...maybe "fembro?"...nah...that sounds kinda' like...a tranny or something...) He was surprised she actually knocked on the door this time. Usually, she just flew into the library with no warning through one of the windows. One of which, she'd broken after crashing through it. Thankfully, she'd paid for it's repair...three months later.
“Hey, Rainbow. Here to see, Twi? She’s stuck in some book about Philosophy of Magic and junk. She’ll be busy with it for a while.” "A while" actually translated to "a really friggin' long-ass time" in Rainbow's understanding. Regardless, he was happy to see her.
“Aw, crap. Thanks, Spike. But can I just go up and talk to her anyway? Only be a minute.” Good luck with that.
Even though Rainbow wasn't here to see him, he was always glad to talk to her. She was his favorite (well...maybe not as much as Rarity...) out of all five of Twilight's friends, and she was pretty much the coolest chick you could ever meet. She and Spike got along pretty well. They had the same sense of humor and both loved playing pranks on Twilight. Rainbow was a pretty unique specimen of her gender. She took being a tomcolt to a whole, new level. If Spike couldn't visibly discern Rainbow's sex with his own eyes, he'd think he was talking to a college-age fratboy sometimes. And reasonably so. The lithe, blue Pegasus pretty much acted like a colt for the most part...she burped out loud, told dirty jokes, cursed incessantly, threatened to beat ponies up, listened to heavy metal almost exclusively, and chugged bottles of beer in public and smashed them on the ground. And she'd been arrested by Constable Steelheart several times for engaging in any number or combination of the aforementioned behaviors.
“Sure, no problem. But you won’t be able to grab her atten-woah!! Rainbow! What’s that metal stuff in your face?!” The baby dragon pointed at three small, metallic objects embedded in her nose, lip, and left ear. Well, this was new.
Rainbow pretty much eschewed all things feminine with extreme prejudice. She hated when her friends tried to take her to the spa or go shopping. She hated when her friends tried to give her makeovers or ask her to act more "ladylike." She hated having to model dresses for Rarity, but she'd often do so anyway to help her friend. She used words like "dude", "hella' tight", and "bro" in common speech. It was a wonder how Rainbow managed to make friends with even one other mare let alone five, seeing as they didn't often have much in common. Not a problem for him, though. Spike just treated her like a guy when they hung out, and thanks to her masculine mannerisms, they got along famously. If Rainbow had any secret, girly thoughts or behaviors at all, she kept them well hidden. Spike had never seen her willingly so much as do one girly thing...in the exception of one thing...one dead giveaway that betrayed her boyish persona and belied her vulnerability and gender. And it was a pretty obvious thing, too. You'd be able to see it from a mile away.
“Just some piercings, dude. Relax. I got ‘em done yesterday after work.” Huh. Well, it figured. Rainbow always was impulsive. This sounded like something she might do on nothing more than an errant bout of whimsy....Spike decided that he didn't like the word "whimsy." It sounded kind of...well...gay. Not "gay" as in "homo" or anything. The other kind of "gay." As for the prismatic filly's dead giveaway...
Basically, Rainbow was pretty crazy for Applejack's older brother, Big Mac. And "pretty crazy" was an understatement. It was really more an obsession. Whenever the little, blue Pegasus so much as got to within shouting distance of the big, red stallion, she devolved from being a brash, fearless stunt flyer into a boy-crazy, preteen schoolfilly who'd just gotten her first crush. She'd start blushing and nervously stammering uncontrollably like a eight year old with a head injury and would sheepishly stare at the ground until the big stallion had left. Spike had a feeling Rainbow wasn't nearly as experienced with dating and whatnot as she said she was. In all the time he'd known about her...well...blatantly obvious crush, she had never worked up the nerve to so much as talk to the guy.
But that didn't stop her from obsessively fawning over him from afar. He'd visited the farm a few times in the past to find Rainbow leaning on a fence by one of the fields and watching Mac work. She'd be giggling to herself, cooing and blushing while she ogled his rear. (Ugh...barf...) After she'd gotten enough of a "show" for one day, she would then sigh woefully to herself and turn around to leave, glancing back at the giant mute one last time with the most pitiful expression of miserable longing one could ever see. Even though Spike felt a bit sorry for her and all, he also found it kind of sickening. It was that nauseating "kissy-wissy, smoochy-woochy, I wuv you thiiiiiss much!!" kind of sickening. He and Rarity totally weren't like that. Their love was like...real and...mature and stuff. Totally different.
“Jeez, Rainbow…Did they hurt?” Not only did she get her face pierced, but she'd gotten it pierced in three places! All at once! Rainbow was one tough broad. That was for sure. But she had terrible taste in guys.
Honestly, Spike wasn't at all sure what Rainbow saw in that gigantic, red mute anyway. Yeah, maybe he was pretty jacked...but so what? He no personality to speak of. Rainbow didn't even really know the guy. But Spike did...he knew. Spike had never really liked the big mute himself...and that was before he knew how messed he was! The guy was friggin' weird to begin with, but after that one day outside the shed.... He barely talked to anypony, and when he did, he only said "eeyup" or "eenope." That was pretty weird in Spike's book, but the majority of the town's populace, especially the mares, thought it was charming and adorable. Spike knew better. He knew that guy was messed up. There was something really...really wrong with that guy. And he knew it wasn't just his personal bias or imagination either. He'd seen it firsthand. It was that time where he, Twilight, and her friends had helped the Apple family beat the Flim Flam brothers in that cider contest. After it was all over, Spike had sneaked out to one of the farm's storage sheds where he'd watched Big Mac carry a leftover barrel cider. The little dragon had peeked inside the shed from one of the little outside windows to watch for when Mac left. Spike had been planning on just innocently sneaking a quick cup of free cider and then being on his way, but he was treated to something entirely different...
“Nah. So, whaddya’ think?” Honestly? He thought they looked pretty cool. They made her look pretty "street." Pretty much everything Rainbow did was the epitome of cool. Spike had emulated many of her mannerisms in speech and habit to try to be as cool as her. Of course, he'd never tell her this. It was uncool to gush about how cool somepony else was. In fact, it was like...lame. He'd better play it cool like he didn't care or something. Apathy was the central, fundamental foundation of "coolness." But as for Mac...
The big, red stallion had started muttering something about "the black" and "it's scratching again." The guy started hyperventilating and sweating. He clenched his teeth and donned an expression of furious rage. He cursed every profane word known to equinity. He began laughing and crying at the same time, saying something about how he "couldn't do this anymore." Then...suddenly...he stopped. His expression changed to one of a blank, dull void. Emotionless. Then he turned his towards the window from where Spike was peeking in. The little dragon had almost panicked thinking this overgrown lunatic had caught him spying and was going to rip him in half...but no. Mac had been staring at...the wall of the shed next to the window...staring...at nothing...his eyes wide open...he looked like he was about a thousand miles away. The red stallion then spoke...some words. These next few words had been haunting Spike's dreams for an entire year since he'd first heard them:
"Insects...crawled outta' them holes. But they can't eat me yet. 'Cause I'm nothin'. No...ya' can't eat nothin'." Spike shuddered inwardly so Rainbow wouldn't notice.
“I…don’t really know what to think. I don’t know anything about what’s “cool” nowadays stuck in the library and castle all the time. Maybe you should ask Twilight.” Like a boss. Spike smiled at her. She was a good friend. Loyal. Generous. She could even be sweet occasionally. And..vulnerable...
He felt scared for her sometimes...she had no idea. No idea...just how...wrong that guy was. If she got involved with that freak...then...Spike had no idea what would happen...but he knew it wouldn't be anything good. He prayed she stayed far away from that guy...he was a ticking time bomb...a horrific disaster just waiting to happen. Spike didn't know if that psycho knew how Rainbow felt about him or not. He prayed that he didn't. That freak better keep away from his girlbro. He'd better not catch him hurting her...or...or...man! Would he ever...like...do something! (Maybe...find a cannon to shoot at him or something...he's pretty huge.) Spike wasn't sure if even a mound of explosives would stop that beast. Did Rainbow really...really have to fall for the one crazy guy who could very well be the strongest dude in all of Equestria?! It was pretty damn unfortunate...for Spike.
“Oh, I’m sure she’ll love ‘em, dude.” Oh. Crap. She'd said that while wearing her signature "Hellraising grin." Mischief was about to be afoot. Twi was already kind of pissy and bummed out today. He'd better warn Rainbow not to set the prissy, purple princess off, or he'd come back later today to find a smoldering crater where the library used to be.
“…right…I smell a big argument coming, and I don’t want anything to do with it. I’ll be at Sugarcube Corner until “Her Majesty” is done lecturing you or whatever. You know how anal-retentive she is. Have fun hearing all about "the dangers of unsanitary tattoo parlors and lead poisoning." She's on edge as is right now." The two of them were always ribbing Twilight Sparkle for...well...pretty much just being "Twilight Sparkle." She was pretty much asking for it what with her being so nerdy and authoritative all the time. As much as Spike loved his adopted sister, he occasionally liked to knock her down a peg when she got too big for her britches...but only to a certain limit. Rainbow had no such limit. This worried him substantially.
“Heheheh…no prob, Spike. If you want, we can hang out later. I know you’re crawling the walls right now. Seeya’.” Hey, cool!
That'd be great!...but...he couldn't let her know how much he wanted to hang out with her. That'd be uncool. Apathy was again in order. Spike just nodded nonchalantly at her like a true OG. (Yeah. Nailed it.) He parted ways with her and headed out of the library. Where should he go first today? (Hmm...ah. Rarity's.) He decided to take the scenic route to the boutique today. Even though it was a lot farther to walk than just heading straight there from the library, Spike love those old country back roads. Walking down the old, dirt trails in the warm sunshine and listening to the sounds of nature without having to endure the hardships of actually camping out in the wilderness? Dragon, please! That was as good a way as any to unwind and clear your head. And Spike definitely needed that right now. It'd probably be a long while before he'd have a chance to walk those trails again. What could it hurt? He'd only take an hour long stroll...then he'd head over to Rarity's. The little dragon left the library behind him and set off down the forest trail.
Spike's thoughts turned back to his girlbro. They could totally hang out later! That'd be the tits! But...Rainbow would likely go to a bar or something with Pinkie...which wouldn't be so bad if she'd let Spike drink and do grown-up stuff. But nooooo! Rainbow just had to be "responsible" or something when they hung out...like that time she'd hassled him for wanting to join the Dragon Migration in fear he'd get hurt. Honestly, it was somewhat the only chink in her coolness armor...well asides from her obsession with that big, red lunatic. Whatever. He could live with it. It wasn't that big a deal. Rainbow was still tons of fun to hang with. And as an added bonus, no pony bothered them when they hung out. Rainbow had garnered herself a fearsome reputation around town due to the fact that she'd beaten up several ponies, some of whom were even stallions, in the roughly three year span she'd lived in Ponyville. He knew she'd moved here from Cloudsdale after her mom had gotten her a job at the local weather station. She was the assistant weather control supervisor and was pretty much in charge of the entire team...of course, Ponyville's diminutive nature meant that the "entire team" was only three ponies. So...it was pretty laid back. But Spike bet that neither of Rainbow's subordinates dared to talk back to her or give any grief. They knew better. It wasn't healthy. Emotionally vulnerable or not, the petite, little Pegasus was a force to be reckoned with when angered.
"I bet she could even give the constable a run for his money...yeah. Probably not." The musclebound constable was far too tough and strong for even Ponyville's most infamous tomcolt, were she to take him head on. But she was still pretty frigging tough.
Tough enough so that no pony messed with her at least. Or if they did, it wasn't for long. In fact, the townsfolk gave her a wide berth when they spotted her walking/flying about. Despite being the smallest mare out of all five of Twilight's friends, with AJ being the biggest and strongest, Rainbow was very likely the toughest scrapper of the bunch. She and AJ had even duked it out a few times...and Rainbow had won most of their fights! She wasn't just tough. She was hardcore! In fact, she used to teach a martial arts class down at the rec center. Spike himself had taken a few of her classes, before she stopped teaching them. And she'd taught Spike some pretty cool self-defense techniques, too. Quite a few of Ponyville's townsfolk had signed up for her self-defense course due to her reputation as a brawler. Spike remembered the very first lesson the brash, foul-mouthed filly had for her students:
"Okay! Now that you jerkoffs are done signing all the forms an' shit, we can get started. First things first...the primary, most fundamental rule in defending yourself is this: "When in doubt, go for his junk." For any mares in this class, this rule also applies to the bedroom. And if you're...like...a dude and that second part about the bedroom applies to you, too...well...whatever. That's cool, too. I ain't judgin'."
Despite the fact that they likely knew this was decent enough advice, the entirety of the classroom's female students all simultaneously had rolled their eyes and began whispering stuff about how Rainbow was "trying too hard"..."overcompensating for something"..."not fooling anypony"...etcetera, etcetera. Spike didn't quite know that to which they'd referred. Were they talking about how Rainbow was just pretending to be tough and was really just a wuss or something? Then why'd they sign up for her class in the first place? And hadn't they heard about some of the fights she'd won against much bigger, stronger opponents? There was no way Rainbow had been lying about that stuff. In fact, she'd been arrested several times for assault. Spike had even been told by Constable Steelheart himself of how he'd had to arrest Rainbow one time...she'd beaten the crap out of some huge, burly stallion at a bar for calling her a "loudmouthed bitch." Nope. There wasn't any denying the little stunt flyer's credentials.
She really knew her stuff when it came to fighting and athletics. For a while, she and Spike had worked out together in the rec center's weight room. Spike had stuck to the dumbbells (with some pretty beast results) while Rainbow had eschewed them in favor of using the pull-up bar and doing something called "planks"...which had nothing to do with wood as was his initial guess but were in fact a series of stretched out, uncomfortable positions that you had hold for prolonged periods to work your "core muscles." Rainbow told him that those were like his abdominals and stuff. Spike patted his belly. Yep. He was getting a six-pack alright. And it was all for his lady. But when was the last time he'd worked out? A week ago? A month? Eh, screw it. Whatever. He was already pretty jacked. He flexed his left bicep as he walked down the old country road to town to his future wife's boutique.
"Yeah, I can lay off the weights for a while. Don't wanna' get too buff. Don't wanna' scare Rare away by getting too jacked." Yeah. That was it.
He'd been lifting like crazy for a while. He deserved a treat. He could afford to have a bear claw or two from Sugarcube Corner. They'd likely be the last pastries he'd eat for the next few months. Couldn't hurt. He could just go on over to Rarity's after he had a few pastries...like three donuts....or five. (Yeah. Five.) Rarity would still think he was hot. He continued daydreaming about the beautiful, white Unicorn fawning over his physique as he walked. She was totally his girl. It was practically official...well...maybe...eventually...just...not yet...eventually, though... Spike liked his ladies to have class and sophistication. (Just like me!...*sigh*...she's just so...wonderful...I wonder...I wonder if she ever thinks about me, too?...) An errant fantasy of Rarity in a lacy, white dress began forming in his little head...she was wearing a wedding dress...it was their wedding. He involuntarily giggled and blushed like a schoolfilly much to his chagrin. When they finally got married, Spike would probably have to cut back on hanging out with Rainbow a little bit to keep from making his wife too jealous. But Rare wouldn't have anything to worry about. She was his girl. Even though he really liked Rainbow, she just wasn't his type, man. She was way too much like a dude for his tastes. Nah. She was just another bro. Or kind of like another adopted sister or something.
Rarity was way more his speed. Beautiful...elegant...smart...classy...yeah. So...perfect. He'd get her...eventually. It was destiny!...but...well...he'd have to get old enough for her. But...that wasn't much of a problem. He was already really mature for his age, right? Yeah. Spike's daydream continued, as he unwittingly walked down the old, dirt trail on his way to his favorite restaurant without a care in the world. Of course, this wasn't to last. The gods had seen how Spike's day was improving gradually, so they decided to screw with him some more to even things out. Apparently, their only job was to make sure he didn't enjoy his life too much by sending assorted catastrophes and setbacks his way with a vengeance...for the sole sake of screwing with him. And screw with him, they most certainly did. Oh, did they ever. The sudden sound of somepony's voice nearby caught his attention....it sounded familiar...and caustic...and smarmy...(That can't be good.)
"Hey, little dude! Yeah, you! I'm talkin' to you, turd!" Oh. Neat. Another gift from the gods to "brighten" his day. It was such wonderful luck he had. Maybe an errant meteorite would smash him on his way to town, too.
The voice belonged to a twenty-something Pegasus stallion with a dark brown coat and cream colored mane. The burly-looking Pegasus was standing next to an even burlier caramel coated stallion with a dark brown mane that seemed to cover his eyes so completely that it made Spike wonder how he could even see. Unfortunately, Spike immediately recognized the two of them. (Dumb-Bell and Hoops?! Here? Now? Why?!) These two idiots and their absent buddy, Score, worked as janitors over at the big weather plant in Cloudsdale. The trio were Rainbow Dash's long-standing, personal bullies who'd been giving her hell since she was in grade school. Spike knew they were just a bunch of losers who picked on smaller ponies to feel better about their shitty lives. Spike included. Apparently, they didn't discriminate against species...and they likely had way too much time on their hands, as losers were so very often wont to having.
But these guys usually stayed out of Ponyville...especially after Rainbow had lost her cool a few weeks ago and sent Score straight to the ER at Ponyville Municipal Hospital with multiple compound fractures and internal bleeding. The three idiots had been teasing her mercilessly that day and didn't have the sense enough to tell when a pony was about to snap. And snap, she most certainly did! Hoops and Dumb-Bell had been lucky enough to only receive a small portion of Rainbow's assault on Score as collateral damage, both of them ending up with broken noses and several bruises. Apparently, the three idiots were so terrified of the little stunt flyer afterwards that they refused to press charges against her in fear she'd come after them again in retribution. Needless to say...they steered clear of the fiery filly from then on. So...why were they here again? Out here on this near-deserted, old road? For no reason?! Were they seriously this stupid?!!
"Hehehe....that's funny!...because...hehehe...he's a turd!!", chortled Hoops idiotically. The big imbecile pretty much only parroted whatever his fearless leader said. Spike doubted he even had a mind of his own...or even at least a mind distinctively intelligent enough to discern the sentience of it's proprietor.
"I just said that, dumbass. Stop copying me."
"Sorry...my bad, man." Spike took advantage of their diffused attention spans, limited as they were, and briskly began walking away. These guys may be stupid, but they were still trouble. Maybe he could make a run for it and get help...yeah! They wouldn't be so tough when they got an eyeful of a certain blue Pegasus...but how far away was the library? He estimated...pretty far. Damn. He should've just stayed on the main drag! Why'd he have to take one of Ponyville's side roads today of all days?!
"Whatever. Just cut it out...now where'd that little turd get to?...hey! You! Wait up!" Crap. They caught him. Well...there was no way he could outrun them, so he better just turn around and face the music. Who knows? Maybe he'd get lucky. They might be feeling pacifistic today or something and wouldn't pummel him to within an inch of his young life. Maybe they'll only tease him for a bit and send him on his way...(Here's to hoping.)
"Yeah? What d'ya' want this time? I'm kinda' in a hurry...", said Spike, turning back towards the malevolent duo. But as soon as he faced them, Dumb-Bell broke into a fit of hysterical laughter. After a full ten second bout of staring vacantly at his fearless leader while breathing with his mouth open, Hoops began mimicking his leader's guffaws. He likely didn't even know what was so funny.
"Oh, man!! You gotta' be kidding me!! Are you seriously wearing that right now?! Is this like...a friggin' dream or something?! This can't be real!! I gotta' be imaginin' this outta' boredom or somethin'!! This is too perfect!! Hahahaha!!!" What was so damn funny? Wearing what?
"What are you talking about?"
"Are you serious? Are you...are you being serious with me right now?! You honestly don't know?! Dude! You're wearing a pink, frilly apron with a big, gay heart on it!! Hehehehe...it's like...the gayest thing I've ever seen!!" Oh. Balls. Spike had completely forgotten to take his apron off before leaving. His face began burning red with anger and embarrassment.
"Hahaha!!...yeah!! I know, right, Bell? It's the gayest thing ever!" Dumb-Bell ignored him. Hoops didn't bring too much to the group dynamic. It left something to be desired. Too bad Score was still in the hospital, or he could've been here to look blankly at Spike and not say anything...with that...weird "thousand yard stare" of his. Yeah. Spike's life wasn't at all diminished by his absence.
"Shut up! It's not gay!" Uhh...he'd just blurted that out in anger...but these guys were really...well...big. Maybe he'd do well to keep his trap shut.
"Hehehe...oh, man! Yeah, it is!! You tryin' to tell everypony somethin' with that apron, turd? What are ya'? A gay dragon? You a fag or somethin'?!" Spike's face burned an even darker shade of crimson. These guys were such douchebags! Didn't they have anything better to do than give him a hard time?!
"Hehehe!!...yeah!! He's a faggot!!" Dumb-Bell held one hoof to his temple in exasperation.
"Goddammit, Hoops....*sigh*", he whispered in a barely audible voice.
"Why can't you guys lay off me? I got no beef with you. Cut me some slack!" It was a reasonable demand, wasn't it? But these two weren't reasonable ponies. Anything but. In fact, they were virtually the very anathema of intelligent dialogue...the very death of reason itself. So...yeah. In laymen's terms, they were basically just a couple of stupid assholes.
"Hehehe...no way, turd!"
"Hehehe...yeah! No way, turd!" Dumb-Bell grimaced at his dull-witted lackey. Spike could see that Hoops' mimicry was gradually eroding away his leader's already limited capacity for temperance.
"Why not? C'mon, guys! What've I ever done to you!? Give me a break!" Did he sound too pathetic? Were bullies like animals in the wild? Did they pounce on you if they detected even a trace of weakness? Like a wolf or a mountain lion? No...wolves and mountain lions were a lot smarter and more receptive to negotiating.
"Hehehe...not a chance, turd! Especially not after wearing that apron around town like that. It's like you're letting everypony know how proud you are to be a faggot or somethin'!! Hehehe...." What an argument. Astounding. Such erudition. Spike was rendered mute with an enthralled admiration for Prof. Dumb-Bell's astonishing verbosity and wholly brilliant penchant for philosophy.
"Hehehe....yeah! Faggot pride!! Hehehe..." Spike could tell that Dumb-Bell's patience had almost been stretched to it's limit.
"What's it like being a fag and a dragon? Does that make you a "fagon?"
"Hehehe...you said he's a fag and a dragon, so he's a "fagon!" Dumb-Bell snapped.
"I swear to God, Hoops...seriously...if you don't cut that shit out, I'm gonna' punch you right in the throat. Last warning." Hoops whimpered in terror and obliged his fearless leader. Well...it was as good a distraction as any. That was Spike's cue to "cheese it."
"Well...I'm real glad we had this talk. I'll see you guys later..."
"You're not going anywhere, turd. I got an idea...how 'bout we make ya' eat that apron? How d'ya' like that, huh?" Spike didn't very much at all care for that idea. But Hoops apparently did. The big idiot strained mightily to resist parroting his leader's so-called "one-liners" back to him with the added bonus of some inane guffaws and subsequent mouthbreathing to sweeten the deal.
"Uhh...no thanks, Dumb-Bell. I just ate..."
"I don't care, turd. Do it. If you make us laugh, we'll let ya' go. Promise." Spike sincerely doubted that.
Spike frantically considered his options...well...he was never very good at competitive eating despite his considerable appetite...so yeah. He thought back to one of Rainbow's lessons in self-defense...she'd even gave her students a pamphlet to read as homework...the Five Steps To Successfully Assessing A Conflict. First step...what was it?...oh..."assess the situation and environment." Well, the three of them were too far from Mane Street out here on some dusty, old road for anypony to come save Spike from getting pummeled into a reptilian leather handbag. He'd have to stand his ground...second step..."assess your assailants." Well...these guys were pretty big. Too big to take in an honest fight. He'd have to think of something more...underhanded.
Also, these guys were too fast for him to make a "tactical retreat"...or more commonly known as "running away like a scared, little girl while leaving a trail of urine in one's wake." Third step..."assess your abilities and options"...Spike took a pass on that first part...how could he level the playing field against these guys? What should he do? What would...what would Rainbow Dash do? He looked down at the dusty road...dust...hmm. Ah. He had his "secret weapon." Now for the fourth step..."make a plan of action"...hmm. Yeah. Perfect. This might actually work! Only one step left now. He just needed to buy some more time by playing along for a little bit longer. He stepped forward to get within range of his target. He only had one shot at this...
"Uhh...I don't think I can finish it all, but I'll try. You promise to leave me alone afterwards?"
He didn't care what Dumb-Bell did or didn't promise. The malicious stallion's word was about as reliable as a five-bit crack whore's insistence that she'd never so much caught a single "illness" in the line of duty. And this was, by sheer coincidence, a rather pertinent simile to use here. Dumb-Bell's mother was renowned as a rather exceptionally desperate crackhead. And to support her habit, she'd become one of Cloudsdale's cheapest and most accessible crack whores. She was so well-known in Ponyville and on the mean streets of Cloudsdale's low income housing district that she'd become the butt of some rather cruel jokes. (I.e. "What do taxi cabs and Dumb-Bell's mom have in common? They both charge fare for each ride!") The guy was pretty sensitive about it, too. It was likely why he had such a chip on his shoulder and took it out on everypony. And Spike fully planned on exploiting this knowledge.
"Heh. Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Get to chewin', turd." Spike began undoing his apron and feigned dropping it on the ground by accident. As he was picking it back up, he discreetly smuggled a clawful of dusty earth into the front pocket of his apron. Now he just needed to bait his opponent into making the first move. He was still too far away.
"Okay. But before I do...wouldn't you like to know where I got this apron?" Dumb-Bell and Hoops looked at one another with confusion.
"Huh? Why would I care where you got that fruity lookin' thing?"
"Oh, you know...just thought you might wanna' know is all..."
"Fine. I'll bite. Where'd ya' get it, turd?"
"Out of your mom's closet. She let me wear it while I was making her breakfast this morning." Bingo. Dumb-Bell fell for the bait. He was livid.
"Hey!!! Watch what you say about my mom, you jerkoff!! I don't know what you heard, but my mother is a saint!! Everypony is just...just lying about her!!!"
"Yep. I didn't even have to pay. In fact, she paid me." That parting comment did the trick.
"That's it, turd!!! I'm kickin' yer ass!!!", cried Dumb-Bell as he predictably initiated a lumbering charge towards his tormentor to defend his mother's honor.
"Come at me, bro!!", cried Spike while beating his chest and holding his arms out wide.
Now it was time for the fifth step..."execute your plan of action." Spike waited until the big Pegasus got to within spitting distance...and tossed a clawful of the dirt he'd smuggled into his apron right in Dumb-Bell's angry, blue eyes. His reaction was immediate. The stallion began screaming in pain while trying to wipe his eyes clean with his hooves. Spike took advantage of his opponent's temporary incapacitation by sinking the clawed front portion of his left foot right into the stallion's "family jewels." Dumb-Bell wheezed with agony and slumped over, falling to the ground in a pathetic heap. The big wuss then began sobbing and covering his eyes with his wings in shame. (Wow...so much for a dignified defeat...) Hoops merely stood nearby uselessly and watched the entire ordeal with abject horror.
"...*sob*...owww....you...*sob*...you kicked me in my dangle parts!!" Yep. Rainbow's "Golden Rule of Self-Defense" had come in handy. He had to remember to thank her later.
"I sure did. And you deserved it, too!!" He had indeed! Spike hadn't been doing anything at all to bother anypony! He'd just been minding his own business and fantasizing innocently about marrying a certain lovely, white Unicorn when these two douchebags showed up and started messing with him! He'd had just been so...goddamn fed up with being pushed around all the time. But not anymore! This was but a single, victorious battle in the war for his dignity and freedom from persecution. There were many more battles to fight.
"Hoops!!...*sob*...don't just stand there, you idiot!!...*sob*...get 'im!!" Hoops didn't all look enthused with that order. Spike knew the big imbecile wasn't difficult to intimidate. He breathed a green gout of fire out his mouth and clenched his fists threateningly. Hoops backed away, holding one hoof over his unmentionables.
"Where ya' goin'?! I got enough for the both of ya'!" Spike was feeling pretty alpha right about now. It was a pretty awesome feeling.
"...*sob*...no fair! No fair!...*sob*...you cheated!!", cried a miserable, petulant Dumb-Bell. A few seconds of self-pity and moaning later, the dark brown stallion had lost control of his bladder. A golden pool of urine began forming underneath the big jerk. If Dumb-Bell had hoped to retain even a tiny shred of his dignity before now, he was likely very disappointed. Hoops wisely kept a respectful distance from Spike the entire time...he wasn't getting involved. Smart.
"What'd you expect?! You're like...four times my size! Maybe next time you'll think twice about messing with somepony for no reason."
"...*sob*...oooowwww...Mama!...Help!...*sob*..." Wow. This was...wow. This was really just...sad. Spike began feeling kind of bad about the whole ordeal. But he had one last thing to take care of before he departed. He picked his dirty apron off the ground and tossed it down in front of Dumb-Bell's pitiful, prostrate form.
"Here. Take this back to your mom for me. Tell I said "thanks" for a great time last night." Like a boss. He didn't mind losing the apron. He had an entire closet full of them back at the library.
Spike couldn't derive anymore satisfaction in this victory over his bullies, so he decided be on his way. He pivoted on his heels and left the two idiotic Pegasi behind him, as he continued on his way down the dusty, old side road. He grinned. He was on "Cloud Nine" right about now! Maybe today wasn't turning out so crappy after all. He still had a lot to look forward to...eating bear claws at Sugarcube Corner...visiting all his friends...making "boo-boo eyes" at Rarity.
Yeah. Things were starting to look up for ole' Spike the Dragon! Or so he thought.
Author's Note
Hang in there, my nigs. Shit gets better next chapter. And by "better," I mean "more staple-related." You'll know what I'm talking about after you've read it...but you'll wish you didn't. Quick question for you: How do you guys like the sound of a single, running joke that's repeatedly used...over and over...until it's more or less like beating a dead horse until it's bones are liquefied and it's body resembles a flat, hairy pancake? What? Wha-what's that? You don't like that idea?! Oh!...oh, my...that's...whew!...that's...that's really bad news for you then, friendo. You might want to stop reading past this point...as though anyone is actually fucking stupid enough to read this garbage...heheheh...right? I know, right? Yeah...hehehe....ah....that's funny.
Not like anyone's actually going to read this...or what I'm typing right now. So it's...kinda' like...I'm only talking to myself right now, huh? Because that's like...a thing...that well-adjusted people do...right? RIGHT?!! BECAUSE I'M SO CLEARLY WELL-ADJUSTED!!!!!! *eats an entire box of urinal cakes*
Chapter Two: Meeting Random Strangers In The Woods Is Rarely A Good Thing
Spike continued on his merry, little way, humming a jaunty tune to himself. He really liked this old, country road. It was pretty scenic and relaxing. Despite the setback he'd had with Hoops and Dumb-Bell about fifteen minutes ago, he didn't regret taking the long way to town anymore. Spike rather enjoyed taking this old back trail to town every now and again...it was usually deserted, and it was a nice way for him to unwind when he'd had a shitty day...like today. In fact, he and Rainbow had jogged down it together a few times back when the two of them had been on that exercise kick. The little dragon exhaled a sigh of relief and let his mind wander. He began replaying his fantasy about Rarity in his little head over and over. He blushed at the thought of seeing her pretty face...her lovely azure eyes and their long, elegant eyelashes...hearing her sweet voice giggling...calling him her "Widdle Spikey Wikey." He actually didn't mind his pet name's usage now and again, but he was starting to feel a bit discouraged by his rather textbook example of unrequited love. If only she could see how perfect they were for each other!...err...differences in species notwithstanding.
But it wouldn't matter in the long run...she'd see how great they'd be together! Yeah! She'd see him for who he was eventually and fall head over hooves for him! He just knew it! It was only a matter of time! (Just hang in there, buddy!) This newfound positivism had elevated Spike's mood a bit. Today wasn't turning out so bad. Maybe the gods had run out of sick pranks to play on him or something. He could almost taste those bear claws already!...but he suddenly heard something...something was rattling around in the woods next to the road. Spike stopped dead in his tracks. The crackling in the brush intensified. Something was coming towards him...something big! Spike was feeling pretty scared...hopefully it was just Fluttershy's bear snuffling around for berries or something. The big, furry lug was huge but completely harmless.
"H-hello? Is somepony there? Who's out there!?" The rustling in the brush was getting closer to the road. Spike was just a step away from panicking. He no longer felt even a smidgen of his former alpha male confidence. Had the gods discovered some new, more inventive way to ruin his day? Couldn't a dragon just catch a break?
"H-hello?! C-come on outta' there and stop messing with me!! Whoever you are!", he demanded weakly. The rustling partially obliged him, nearing even closer to where the little dragon was standing...a little dragon who was now shivering with terror. He could make out a figure in the darkness of the treeline...it looked...equine. But he couldn't be sure. The figure began to emerge from the dismal woods.
"S-stay back!! I-I know karate!!", he squeaked, as the figure in question stepped into the warm sunlight.
It was a pony. A skinny looking, grey coated Earth stallion to be precise. He had a pair of intense, blue eyes and a rather unusual manecut. The guy had shaved his head entirely...military-style. Weird. Spike could tell from the guy's short, cropped tail that his mane color was a ghostly shade of white when he grew it out. Most stallions weren't too keen on giving up their long, flowing locks like this guy had unless they were military or religious types. Spike couldn't tell which of either this guy was, if he was either at all. Spike scanned over the grey stallion's features. The guy was wearing a strangely warm smile on his face. It was almost...pleasant...placid. Peaceful. He waved Spike to come over to him...Spike wasn't so sure he should...but this dude looked harmless enough. Yeah, maybe the guy was a little weird sneaking around in the woods...but like...maybe he'd just gotten lost or something? (Then why does he look so cheery? It's kinda' creepy.) Spike ambled forward cautiously.
"Uhh...h-hello?"
"Hello, my little friend. How are you faring on this wonderful day provided to us by the Lord?", crooned the grey stallion in a pleasantly low, soothing baritone. Oh. That explained it. This guy was probably one of those Lunar/Solar cultists or something. Spike visibly relaxed. Those churchos were sometimes a little annoying and preachy, but they were staunchly pacifistic. This guy wasn't a threat.
"Uhh...I guess I'm doing alright. Thanks for asking. How're you?" He may as well be polite. There wasn't any reason he shouldn't be...right?
"Ah! It is good to hear this, my friend! I am also doing well today! Oh, the Great Staples be praised!" What? Did this guy just say something about..."staples?" Like..."office supply staples?" Whatever. He probably just misheard.
It was probably just some new name for whichever deity this guy worshiped. Something like "Stah-pells the Great" and shit. They all had funny names like that. Spike himself had ascribed to Twilight's personal brand of "hopeful agnosticism" in terms of spirituality. Honestly...even though he'd never seen evidence of there being deities and the like with his own eyes, it wouldn't be too hard to believe if one took the time to consider all the crazy shit that happened in Equestria on a daily basis. After some of the stuff he'd seen...well...magic sky people who controlled everything from the heavens wasn't all that hard a pill to swallow. But he didn't have much of a problem with ponies from either of the other two camps. He got along perfectly well with Rarity and Fluttershy who were an atheist and a theist respectively.
"Uhh...that's...nice. Um...so can I help you with something?" The skinny, grey stallion smiled warmly at him again. Hey, even if he turned out to be a religious nutbag, at least he'd be a relatively pleasant nutbag. Not at all like that one Lunar cultist Spike had come across once...some crazy, old yellow stallion in a filthy raincoat who only spoke in two volumes: loud and friggin' loud as shit.
"Oh? You are kind to ask, my little friend, but I've no need for help of any sort. The Lord is the only comfort and aid I need." At least he was nice. He didn't look like he had a single, mean bone in his body.
"Ooookaaayyy. Well...do you mind if I ask you a question, man?"
"Not at all, my dear dragon! To seek knowledge is to also seek salvation! Staples be praised!" Okay...that time...Spike was certain he'd heard this guy say "staples." But he couldn't be talking about office staples. That'd just be ridiculous!
"Um...yeah. Sure...uhh...so what were you doing in the woods there earlier?"
"Oh, I was merely reveling in the joyous bounty of Lord Staplor's creation! The trees, birds, and beasts are all blessed gifts from his divine providence!" Huh. "Staplor," eh? The guy pronounced it like "stayp-lore." Well, maybe Spike had misheard him. Regardless, this dude was probably just a harmless churcho and a tree-hugger or something who thought he was "communing with Mother Nature." Mystery solved. Case closed. Over and out. Under and in. Time to book it. He'd swung with the best of 'em, sister.
"Yeah. That's...cool. Well...I gotta' get going, man. Tell Lord Staplor I said thanks for all the divine providence and stuff." Spike started to go back on his way to town, but the grey stallion called after him.
"Just a moment, my little friend! I have a question for you now, if you wouldn't mind." Oh, great. He was probably about to ask him for church donations or try to give him a sermon or something. Oh, well...he could at least humor the guy. Then he'd head straight to the Corner for some bear claws.
"Okay. Fair enough. Shoot."
"Wonderful. My question is as follows: Have you seen the light of the Lord's salvation?" Yep. Sermon. He better just play along. There was no sense in antagonizing these types of ponies.
"Uhh...yeah. Totally. I saw it this morning actually. It was great, bro. Like you wouldn't even believe. Totally at peace with the Universe and stuff now."
"Oh, how joyous!! A fellow believer! Welcome to the flock, my brother!"
"Thanks. Yep. It's the friggin' best. Well, you have a good on-"
"As a fellow believer, would you mind if I troubled you for a mere tribute to our Lord, brother? I shan't take but a minute of your time." Eh. Whatever got this weirdo off his back and got him to Sugarcube Corner faster was fine by him.
"Okay. Sure. So what do we have to do? Say a prayer or something?"
"Oh, yes! But joining me in prayer is merely half the tribute! Now...close your eyes and take hold of my hoof. Repeat after me, brother." Spike obliged him and took hold of the grey stallion's right hoof. The guy began solemnly chanting.
"Oh, praise be to the Lord, for he is good. He guides us in the darkest of times and lights the way to salvation." Spike repeated the line. Hopefully, this wouldn't take too long.
"Lord Staplor is our shepard...our father...our mother...our sister...our cousin...our uncle...our family accountant..." Spike repeated the lines...but...wait...what the hell? Whatever. This was like a war zone. He didn't have time to question this shit.
"He is our dentist...our tax attorney...our proctologist...our cousin twice removed...our husband and wife..." Spike repeated the line of nonsensical gibberish. Whatever. He didn't have time to go back for any casualties. It was every pony for himself at this point.
"Lord Staplor is all. Lord Staplor is love. May he watch over us forever from atop his fortress of splendor..." Spike again repeated the gibberish.
"...his fortress of staples. The Great Staples be the foundation...for they are the biggest staples...smaller staples can't support that much weight..." Spike was becoming...concerned. It really sounded like this guy was talking about actual, literal staples.
"Oh, but these staples are plentiful in his holy Office Supply Closet! Such a bounty of little, malleable metal staples!! Mmmmm....SO MANY STAPLES!!! OH, YEAH!!" Spike was startled out of his "meditations" by that little outburst. Something was seriously wrong with this guy...the grey stallion's hoof began tightening it's grip on his claw. Yeah. It was about time for him to cheese it.
"Oh, and may we load the Great Staplor with this bounty of wonderful, sexy staples! SO SEXY!! AND WE SHALL STAPLE ALL THAT IS STACKED PAPER!!! OH, BABY!!" Spike began to panic. He frantically began trying to pull his claw out of the nutjob's iron grasp to no avail. He had to get away!! This guy was friggin' crazy!! He was even nuttier than AJ's creepy older brother!! He looked down at the grey nutjob's flank to check his Cutie Mark...it was...a stapler!!!! (Of course!! Of course, it is!! WHAT THE HELL ELSE WOULD IT BE?!!)
"What the hell?! Lemme' go, you weirdo!! I don't wanna' go to your freaky Staple Heaven!!" The grey stallion ignored his pleas and tightened his grasp even more...to a now painful degree. Spike winced with agony. The grey lunatic just kept his chanting his crazy bullshit with his eyes firmly shut. It was as though he'd forgotten Spike was even there.
"And then there will come a great reckoning for the non-believers!! It will be the Great Stapling!! All who are unstapled shall be stapled to something, be it to notebook paper, or cardboard, or tree, or squirrel, or coffee maker, or file cabinet, or movie projector, or house cat, or college thesis, or bottle of ADHD medication, or box of medical-grade enemas, or that 2000 BIT ENGAGEMENT RING I BOUGHT YOU THAT YOU PAWNED OFF AFTER YOU RAN OFF WITH YOUR TENNIS COACH, JANET!!!!" This guy was completely out of his mind!! The lunatic tightened his grip even further. Spike eye's began watering with tears of agony...it felt like the bones in his claw were going to break any second now. How could this skinny freak be so strong?!!
"And their suffering shall be great...for they are not of the faithful!! They've no love of staples!! They would rather defile their TPS reports and W-2 Forms with the accursed paper clips!! NAY!!! PAPER CLIPS BE THE SERVANTS OF THE GREAT GOATBAT DEMON, CHEDDARBUTT!! CHEDDARBUTT WILL CONSUME ALL THAT IS NOT STAPLED!! THE NON-BELIEVERS WILL DROWN IN A SHINY, METALLIC SEA OF UTTERLY USELESS PAPER CLIPS!!! YOU HEAR THAT, JANET?! YOU'RE GONNA' DROWN IN PAPER CLIPS, YOU LICENTIOUS WHORE!! STAPLOR CURSE YOUR NAME, YOU FOUL-SMELLING BUTTSLUT!!" The mad stallion was now screaming at the top of his lungs. It was deafening. Spike was completely terrified. But what could he do?! He couldn't get away from this crazy asshole!!
"BUT THEY ALL TOTALLY DESERVE IT FOR NOT USING STAPLES, AM I RIGHT, BROTHER?!! OH, YEAH!!! THAT REALLY GETS MY ENGINE GOIN'!!! MMMMM, BABY!! WHADDYA' THINK OF ME NOW, JANET?!! HUH?!! YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE TOO GOOOOOODDDD FOR MY RELIGION!!! YOU THOUGHT WORSHIPING A STAPLE GOD WAS CRAAAAAAZZZY!! YOU THOUGHT I WAS WEEEEIIIIRRRD WHEN I STAPLED YOUR ASSCHEEKS TOGETHER THAT ONE NIGHT YOU FELL ASLEEP DRUNK AFTER A FEW TOO MANY MAI TAIS!!! OH, YEAH?!! WEIRD, AM I?!! WELL, WHO'S GONNA' HAVE THE LAST LAUGH WHEN YOU'RE NECK-DEEP IN CRAPPY PAPER CLIPS DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF CHEDDARBUTT'S WRETCHED DESK DRAWER OF INFINITE RECTAL TORMENT?!! I'LL ANSWER THAT QUESTION FOR YA', YOU SLUTBAG!!! IT'S GONNA' BE ME!! AHAHAHAHAH!!!!" Spike was desperate now. Who knew what this psycho would do to him!? He had to do something!! Wait...he was a dragon, right? Yeah!! That was it!!
"...ALWAYS ON MY BACK ABOUT EVERY LITTLE, GODDAMN THING, TOO!! "Jeffrey...don't staple the cat to the sofa!"..."Jeffrey...don't huff gasoline in the garage!"..."Jeffrey...don't pole vault over fence into the neighbor's yard with a lawn rake!"..."Jeffrey...don't shoot the neighbors' dog with a flaming crossbow!"..."Jeffrey...don't smuggle staplers you stole from the office in your rectum!"..."Jeffrey...take your anti-psychotic meds!" WELL, YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO ANYMORE, YOU SCORPION MARE!! I DON'T NEED YOUR DAMNED MEDICATION!! FROM HERE ON OUT, I SHALL DECIDE WHAT IS AND ISN'T REALITY!!! YA' HERE ME?! AND THAT GODDAMN DOG DESERVED WHAT HE GOT FOR INSULTING MY NEW PAIR OF KHAKI DRESS SLACKS!! THEY WERE REALLY NICE SLACKS, TOO!! THEY HAD THAT PLASTIC WEAVE IN THEM THAT MADE THEM WATERPROOF!! IT WAS AWESOME!! YOU COULD SPILL AN ENTIRE CUP OF COFFEE ALL OVER THEM AND NOT GET A SINGLE STAIN!!! STAPLOR BE PRAISED!!!"
Well...apparently this guy's name was "Jeffrey"...Spike wasn't all that sure how useful that information would be. Maybe the police would want that kind of intel after they found pieces of his hacked up corpse scattered all over these woods. Now wasn't that a cheery thought? This guy had a pretty firm grip on Spike's claw, but he took advantage of his psychotic acquaintance's preoccupation with whom he presumed was the stallion's former fiancé...and...a pair of...waterproof slacks?...and breathed a hot gout of lime green fire onto the crazed stallion's hoof that was crushing his claw. And...the lunatic didn't even flinch!! And his entire foreleg was on fire!! What in the holy hell?!!!
"OOOOHHH, BAAAABBBY!!!! YEAH!! YA' FEEL THAT, BROTHER?!! IT'S THE PIOUS FLAMES OF LORD STAPLOR'S PROVIDENCE!!"
Spike twisted and flailed his little body in a desperate attempt to free himself from the crazed stallion's now burning grasp. The green flames licked all the way down the lunatics hoof, touching Spike's own claw...it was a good thing dragons were fireproof. But not this guy...no. Spike could smell the awful stench of the loony's burning coat wafting into his nostrils followed by the even more hideous stench of burning flesh. The little dragon fought to retain control of his queasy stomach. But the nasty smells and nausea were the least of his worries at this point.
"What the hell, man!!? Lemme' go!!" No good. This nutjob seemed to have near superequine strength or something. Spike may as well have been trying to wrestle himself free from a gorilla's bear hug. This lunatic was a hell of a lot more dangerous than those two idiots he'd dealt with twenty minutes ago. But thankfully...the crazed stallion's shouting suddenly quieted into a soft chant. His crushingly strong grip on Spike's claw relaxed...
"And...in the end...after the Great Stapling had passed...all had become stapled in Lord Staplor's image. All was well and good. All of equinity joined hooves and rejoiced. And so it shall be...forever and ever...amen." Was it over? Apparently, so as the grey stallion let go of Spike's aching claw entirely, dropping him to the ground with a dull Thud! Spike quickly began planning his escape while massaging his throbbing claw. He wasn't about to hang around here for this crazy a-hole's next sermon! Spike looked up to see that the lunatic's foreleg had stopped burning and was now emitting a foul-smelling smoke. The guy acted like he didn't even notice it. (Seriously...what...the...HELL!!??)
"Ah...oh, but how marvelous! Wasn't that ever so relaxing, brother? It always brings me peace to praise Lord Staplor and his creations.", exhaled the grey stallion in a relieved, satisfied tone that sounded like he'd just had a massive bowel movement after a solid week of constipation. And...no. Spike did not at all find any of that relaxing. The little dragon rose to his feet and slowly...cautiously...began backing away from "Jeffrey the Staple Freak."
"Y-yeah! S-ure!! Whatever! S-so what? Are we done here now?! Can I go?!" Spike turned away from the grey freak and surveyed his escape route down the dusty, old country road...how far was it to the outskirts of town? Could he get away in time? The little dragon turned back towards Jeffrey...to find him now wielding a big, red stapler in his charred forehoof with an utterly psychotic grin on his slate grey features. Where the hell did he even get that thing from?! He didn't have any saddlebags with him!!
"Oh, not yet, my brother! As I said before, the prayer was only half of our tribute to the Lord!", said the grey freak as he stepped menacingly towards the little dragon on his two rear hooves, his stapler held out in front of him. Spike didn't like where this was going. Not one bit. And...he again pondered from whence this guy had procured said stapler...his thoughts turned back to this guy's crazy rant about his ex-fiancé...something about smuggling staplers out of his office...oh. Gross.
"C-c'mon! Quit hasslin' me, bro!!" And sure enough...Spike could see that the big, red stapler was coated in a slimey, white substance...it was...mayonnaise?!! (WHAT?!!) Why mayonnaise?! Had he run out of petroleum jelly or something?! And that was a pretty decent-sized stapler, too! How'd he even manage to fit that whole thing inside his as-
"NAY!! I'm afraid not, my brother!! Hassle you, I must...for...you see...I know what is best for you! For you and your salvation! Just like how that stupid SLUT JANET TRIED TO HAVE ME COMMITTED!!! SHE THOUGHT SHE KNEW WHAT WAS BEST FOR ME!!! WHAT LIES!!! SHE ONLY WANTED TO STEAL ALL MY STAPLERS FOR HERSELF WHILE I WAS AWAY!!! WELL, I SHOWED HER, RIGHT?!! I STAPLED HER BUTT SO GOOD, GURL!!!!" Apparently, he'd returned to the "screaming psychotically about his ex" portion of his sermon. Neat. He'd really missed that part. Spike was beginning to see two recurring elements with this guy: stapling things to other things...and butts. He even combined the two together sometimes...which was why Spike was feeling especially anxious to get away from this weirdo. He just continued slowly backing away from the grey lunatic with no sudden movements like he would with a bear or something.
"W-what...what are ya' gonna' do to me?", he squeaked in a voice riddled with terror.
"I think you know what must be done, brother." Oh, no. No.
"Y-you're not gonna'...staple my buttcheeks together, are you?!!" No! Anything but that! Spike liked his butt! It was a great butt! It'd served him faithfully for years! He could sit on it for hours and neither cheek would fall asleep or get numb or anything! You couldn't just go and defile the sanctity of a dude's butt like that! It was just...wrong! There should be a law or something against it!!...in fact...Spike was pretty sure there already was a law against it! Well...there should be two laws against it!
"What?! No! Of course not! Don't be ridiculous. I'm not going to staple your butt. Sheesh.", replied the grey lunatic in a completely deadpan, uncharacteristically rational voice as though he'd just been asked a really stupid question or something. Spike relaxed. At least his butt was safe...but...
"Oh...then wh-"
"NO, IMMA' STAPLE YOUR FACE!!!" That was all Spike needed to hear. Jeffrey had made his intentions abundantly clear...and so, too, would Spike. He turned on his heels and took off running down the old, dirt trail as fast as his stubby little legs could carry him. Spike looked back over his shoulder to see if the nutjob was gaining on him...what? The skinny, grey fruitcake was still standing in the same spot, holding his stapler over his head! Was he not going to chase him? Maybe he wouldn-
"OOOOOOOGAHLOOOGAHLOOO!!!!! STAPLE TIME!!! STAPLES FOR THE LORD!!! STAPLES IN THE MORNIN', STAPLES IN THE EVENIN', STAPLES AT SUPPERTIME! WHEN A STAPLER IS YOUR SAVIOR, YOU CAN HAVE STAPLES ANYTIME!!! OOOOOOOGAHLOOOGAHLOOO!!!!!", shouted the mad stallion in a bizarre, whooping battle cry as he finally decided to give chase. This didn't look good. Spike had about half the length of stride as this freak, and he was more than a little bit out of shape. He was already huffing and puffing after only thirty seconds of running. He looked back over his shoulder...he wished he hadn't...
"STAPLE, STAPLE, STAPLE, STAPLE!!! YEAH!!! IMMA' STAPLE YOUR EYES AND YOUR NOSE AND YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR CHEEKS!!! IMMA' STAPLE YOU SO GOOD!! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, GURL!!!!", screamed Jeffrey while rapidly clicking his stapler. This weirdo had almost caught up with Spike even after his generous head start! The mad, grey stallion was rapidly gaining on him, striding forward on his long hind legs in a dead sprint. The nutjob had adopted an even more psychotic glare in his wide, blue eyes and was biting his lower lip as though he really had to take a tinkle or something. This wasn't good.
"*huff*...*huff*...leave me...*huff*...alone, you freak!!! *huff*...*huff*...get bent, you weirdo!!" Hey, if he was going down, he was going down swinging!...or...screaming insults...from a distance. Whatever. Still counts.
Another quick survey of his pursuer's progress revealed that the psycho was only a few feet away from Spike and still gaining!! The grey stallion was spasmodically flailing both his forelegs around in the air over his head like one of those inflatable tube guys Spike sometimes saw outside used carriage dealerships. He was splattering white globules of mayonnaise all over the road with each flailing of the stapler in his charred left hoof. That was an additional incentive for Spike to book it. He hated mayonnaise. He didn't much relish the idea of coming in contact with some nasty-ass egg paste...let alone some nasty-ass egg paste that had just been inside some crazy guy's butt not five minutes ago!. But he couldn't keep this up for long...he looked behind his shoulder again...Jeffrey was only a foot away!! The mad stallion held out his free hoof, reaching to grab hold of Spike's mauve tail. The little dragon felt the weirdo's hoof graze the tip of one his tail's green spines...
"OOOOOOOGAHLOOOGAHLOOO!!!!! LET US JOIN IN JOYOUS STAPLEAGE, MY BROTHER!!! STAPLE, STAPLE, STAPLE, STAPLE!!!" Well...this was it. (Goodbye, cruel world!!!)
Spike knew he was boned. (But there was so much more I wanted to do in life!!) Well...at least he'd lived himself a pretty good life already, right? (But I'm only twelve years old!!) Hey, it was a "good" life. Not a "long" life. He couldn't believe it was going to end like this...after all the crazy ways he could have bitten the "Big One" helping Twilight and her friends save Equestria, this was how he was going to give up the ghost?! Being stapled to death on an deserted, old road...by some...spastic, staple-obsessed freak?! It was so unfair!! This wasn't even a cool way to die!! It would look completely retarded chiseled on his tombstone!! ("Here lies Spike the Dragon. His young life was cut tragically short by an escaped mental patient with a stapler. Yeah, he was pretty embarrassed about it, too.") And that was even only if somepony found his body out here in the middle of nowhere...a little corpse...riddled with hundreds of staples...(Dammit! It still sounds stupid!...Twilight...I'm sorry I was such a jerk...Fluttershy...I'm sorry I tried to sell Angel to that chef from Prance...Rarity...I wish...I wish I coulda' gotten the courage to ask you out...I always wanted to tell you...tell how much I loved...oh, God...I'm sorry, everypony...) Spike had made peace with himself and his demons. He was ready for the Void. But...the sudden sound of something heavy crashing and rolling on the ground behind him caught his attention...he turned around...
"Woah!!...*huff* *huff*...holy crap!!...*huff* *huff*...he just tripped and totally faceplanted on the friggin' road!!...*huff* *huff*...alright!!!" Luck was back on his side!! Finally!! He actually had a chance now! The nutjob was laying face down on the road...he wasn't moving...hey, maybe he wouldn-ah. Nope. He was getting back up.
"DO NOT RUN FROM YOUR SALVATION, BROTHER!! DON'T YOU KNOW THE VERY SEAMS OF THE HEAVENS THEMSELVES ARE HELD TOGETHER BY STAPLES?!!! IT'S TRUE!! I READ IT IN A TABLOID ONCE!!" (Yep. Here we go again.)
The crazed stallion had risen to his hooves and had resumed his pursuit...Spike looked at the guy's left rear leg...woah! The grey limb was grotesquely swollen and twisted at an unnatural angle! This guy had just twisted the hell out of his ankle! But he was still limping after Spike as though nothing had even happened...thankfully, he was now moving at only half his original pace. Spike could stay ahead of him now, which was good...seeing as he was about to pass out. Slowly but surely, the skinny, grey form of Jeffrey the Staple Freak was getting farther and farther away until it disappeared entirely from Spike's view. Yeah! He'd just left that sucker in the dust! Now all he needed to do was find his way into town and get help. After all, who was to say this psycho wouldn't keep coming after him? How far was he from the town's outskirts? He looked down the road as he jogged, huffing and puffing as he went. (Well...at least I'm getting some good cardio today.) There was something just down the trail...
Spike could see a small, dark shape in the middle of the road...it was...a dog? Huh? Was it wild or something? Well, it couldn't be any more dangerous than the freak he'd just left behind him. Maybe it was friendly. Maybe he could even sic it on that grey weirdo to buy himself some more time. As he got closer to the mutt, he could make out it's features a bit better. It looked like some mongrel breed of dark brown pitbull...and something else...maybe an English bulldog? The mutt was just sitting in the middle of the road, blankly watching Spike as he approached it. He got close enough to get a good look at it.
It was indeed some sort of mixed breed pitbull, as he'd initially guessed with a mangy-looking dark brown coat and a pair of creepy, yellow eyes...eyes that were...completely crossed! Seriously! This mangy thing had goofier-looking eyes than that little, grey mailmare who kept flying face first into the mailbox outside the library. The dog's fur was disgusting...Spike could patches of rough, yellowed scabs protruding randomly from all over the dog's body. He could see a set of nipples underneath the mangy cur's belly...it was female. Okay...neat. Well, clearly this nasty mutt didn't look too receptive to becoming Spike's new, best friend, so he'd better just be on his way...
"Uhh...nice doggy...good doggy...I'm just gonna' slide on past you and be on my way...ya' know. If that's cool with you..." But apparently, it wasn't cool with her. The mangy, cross-eyed bitch bared her teeth and growled viciously as Spike tried to pass her.
"Woah! Chill!! Nice doggy!! Good doggy!! I just wanna' get past you, and you can get back to...whatever the hell you were doing!" The wall-eyed bitch was having none of it. She bared her fangs again and began barking and snarling at the little dragon. Spike suddenly lamented the fact that he'd never been very good with animals. Regardless, this wasn't good. If he didn't find a way past this stupid mutt, that staple-obsessed weirdo was going to catch up to him!
"C'mon!! Get outta' my way, you stupid dog!! I'm in a hurry!!" The mangy pitbull merely snarled in response, baring her frighteningly sharp, nasty-looking fangs again. (Woah!! Those are...*gulp*...some pretty big teeth...) Spike had a pretty tough, leathery dragon hide, but he wasn't willing to test it's toughness against those choppers. Those fangs looked like they could chew through a goddamn refrigerator door! But he had get going. And fast. How long would it be before that grey fruitcake caught up with him?
"Please!! Just let me through!! I'll bring you back a dog bone from the pet store! I promise!"
And he would, too. Spike was by no means a saint, but he always kept his promises...no matter how much he was loath to do so. But the dumb bitch only continued snarling and snapping her jaws at him. Apparently, being a dog went hand-in-hand with being incapable of reason. Spike looked back over his shoulder...oh...crap. He could see the familiar, grey form of Jeffrey tirelessly hobbling down the road in spasmodic pursuit of the little dragon. Didn't this guy know when to quit?! Didn't he have anything else better to do than chase him around all day?! Couldn't he find a hobby or something?! Well...a...non-staple related hobby? He could hear Jeffrey's freaky, staple-themed battle cry getting louder as he drew nearer...
"STAPLE, STAPLE,STAPLE, STAPLE,STAPLE, STAPLE, STAPLE, STAPLE!!!" Seriously? Seriously? The friggin' laws of probability stated that his luck had to get better at some point! Apparently, those laws didn't apply to Spike! The little dragon was close to entering panic mode. He began frantically weighing his options...(Mauled to death?!...stapled to death?!...mauled to death?!...stapled to death?! Dammit! I don't which is worse!!)
"Awww, c'mon!!! You gotta' be kiddin' me!!!" The situation was looking a bit dire.
Spike realized he was now sandwiched between a vicious dog and a complete lunatic with little hope in sight of coming out of it all alive. Jeffrey was less than a few yards away now, and this damn mutt wasn't about to let him past her without taking a big chunk out of his ass. This really seemed liked some sort of tragic comedy now. He really hoped the gods were getting a good laugh out of all this. Honestly...they kind of deserved it at this point. This was a pretty creative scenario they'd contrived for his demise. In fact, you could color him impressed! They didn't just settle for a sudden rainstorm while he was out in the middle of an open field or a bloody band-aid in his sandwich! No, siree!! They really went all out with this one!!
"Oh, yeah! This is just great! Freakin' great! This is exactly how I always pictured going out!!" Really! Great! Maybe that meteorite was on it's way right now, too! That'd be the only way this farcical romp could become anymore doomed.
And it was made all the more brilliant by how the gods had even given him some false hope by making that staple freak trip like that!! Magnificent. Really. No, really! No, seriously! Bravo!! They deserved some kudos!! His hat was off to them! Oh, he didn't have a hat?! No freakin' problem!! He could just hop on down to the store and buy one to-oh, no, wait!!! He couldn't freakin' do that because he was about to freakin' die in the middle of nowhere getting gang-raped by a goddamn pitbull and an office supply-themed psychopath!!! And it was all because the the powers that be didn't seem to have anything more interesting or productive to do with their time THAN MAKE HIS LIFE A LIVING HELL!!!!!!
"NO, BROTHER!! NOOOOO!!! IT'S THE VILE DEMON, CHEDDARBUTT!!! HE'S TAKEN HIS CANINE FORM TO DECEIVE YOU!!! HE STALKS THIS ROAD TO HUNT DOWN AND URINATE ON THE FAITHFUL!!! I'LL SAVE YOU!!! BY STAPLING YOU INTO ETERNITY!!! YOU'LL THANK ME LATER, TRUST ME!!!" Spike doubted he would feel any form of gratitude towards this guy for stapling his mouth to his snout or something.
Great. Apparently, Jeffrey had somehow managed to squeeze the cross-eyed mutt into one of his many, many, many....many...many, many psychotic delusions. What else in the real world had he managed to make canonical with his batshit crazy fantasies? Spike kind of wondered what it'd be like to see the world through this lunatic's eyes. It'd probably be pretty terrifying at first, but hey...at least it'd be interesting. The grey freak seemed to make even the most mundane thing a part of his fantasies...like taking his irrational obsession with staplers and turning it into the basis for a new (but retarded) religion he just made up on the fly. He could probably make even the most dull, pedestrian bit of drudgery that most ponies despised doing (like...well...pretty much like just about anything Twilight loves doing...) look like it was full of wonder and mystery.
Spike had to admit...that took some legitimate creativity. He'd actually pay to read this guy's memoirs. Jeffrey would make a great short story author with that insane imagination of his. Maybe he could even become one of the new screenwriters for the next Batmare movie. He couldn't do a worse job than that last bunch of writers. A goddamn drunken chimpanzee could have put together a better script than the one those idiots crapped out. That god-awful script pretty much killed the entire movie. Spike had only been able to sit through twenty minutes of that train wreck. Honestly, he was surprised the projectionist hadn't found just a big, steaming turd in the film's reel case when he'd tried to roll it for the movie premiere. But wasn't he forgetting something? Oh, yeah. Right. Getting chased by a dog and a staple-themed weirdo. Yep. He was probably about to die horribly or something...probably by getting chewed to death while having his eyes stapled shut and the like. It really seemed like overkill for just one, baby dragon.
"LEAVE HIM BE, YOU VILE CREATURE!! CURSE YOU, CHEDDARBUTT!! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE, MAN!!! I'LL SMITE YOU WITH MY SMITIN' STICK!!" What "stick" was this lunatic talking about? He was holding a stapler...not a stick.
And now that grey fruitcake was closing in on him even further. He had to get past this nasty-ass dog...that smelled pretty awful now that Spike was close enough to unfortunately catch a whiff of her. She smelled like sour ass sweat that had been fermenting for a month in a fat guy's unwashed buttcrack. That alone was incentive enough for the little dragon to put some distance between himself and this nasty mongrel. Spike tried feigning left to throw the ugly mutt off and slip past her from the right, but she didn't fall for it. He tried pointing over into the forest and saying "Hey, look over there!!" to divert her attention to make an opening. Nope. No cigar. How did he somehow manage to encounter the world's most focused and dedicated guard dog at a time like this?!! A cross-eyed...ass-smelling...mangy as hell guard dog who was guarding nothing except for an empty dirt road for no discernible reason?!!!
"Awww, c'mon! Can't a dragon catch a break?!! Just one freakin' break?!! This is bullcrap!!" On a side note, "Cheddarbutt" was as fitting a name as any for the mangy bitch, seeing as to how she smelled like an old garbage bag full of dog turds and moldy cheese. In short...not pleasant.
He had to think of something...anything!! Jeffrey was only a stone's throw away now! Spike frantically assessed his situation...hey! Why not try getting off the road and go try his luck in the woods? He'd have a better chance finding a place to hide in there, as dark as it was. Maybe he could climb a tree or something? That lunatic probably couldn't climb up after him with that busted leg of his and neither could that stupid dog. Yeah! At least he'd have a chance then! And if the dynamic duo decided to hang around at the base of the tree all night or something, Spike could just wait it out. Eventually, somepony would come looking for him. Hopefully, it'd be Constable Steelheart. Jeffrey and Cheddarbutt wouldn't stand a chance against that guy! He'd wipe the floor with 'em! But...he needed to distract this stupid dog to buy enough time to get some distance between them in case she decided to chase him...wait. How in the hell did he keep forgetting he was a dragon?! Honestly, it was starting to concern him. Was he having another identity crisis? Maybe it had something to do with living with ponies his entire life.
"This is your last chance, you stupid mutt!! Get outta' my way or else!!"
Cheddarbutt opted for the "else" provision of Spike's ultimatum and continued snarling viciously at the little dragon. Oh, well. She asked for it. He took a deep breath blew a big lungful of green fire at the ground in front of the nasty mongrel. She yelped and darted away from the flames' intense heat, giving Spike the opening he needed to dart past her. He pushed himself to the very edge of his limits, running seemingly faster than he ever had in his young life. He felt as though his heart would explode any second from sheer exertion, as he left Cheddarbutt and Jeffrey behind him...but not for long. The mangy, cross-eyed pitbull decided to give chase. And she was moving a lot faster than that limping psychopath! Before long, Cheddarbutt was practically nipping at his hills. Spike thought about how antelopes got away from cheetahs in the Zebrican savannah. Didn't they do some sort of fancy, evasive maneuver or something? It couldn't hurt to try it now. He was about to get his ass bitten off one way or another anyway.
"Serpentine!! *huff* *huff* Serpentine!!", he yelled while running in erratic zigzags. Aaaannndd...it didn't work.
Spike's fancy footwork didn't seem to have even remotely thrown off the mangy mutt. In fact, it'd just shortened the distance between the two of them even more! Those friggin' antelopes were all retarded! They deserved to get eaten! How come they weren't all extinct already?! What was he going to do now? He looked to his left and to his right, surveying the deep woods running parallel to both sides of the road. The brush was too thick for Spike to try busting through. He needed to find an opening or something, if he wanted to have even a snowball's chance in hell of shaking his pursuers. Ah! He could see a small branching path coming up down the road! It had a small white sign that was labeled..."Sweet Apple Acres!!" Perfect! He was saved! He'd completely forgotten that this old road connected to the main drag towards the farm! If he got treed overnight, AJ or somepony would probably find him in the morning on their way into town. His luck was turning for the better! (Wait! No! Don't jinx it!!)
Spike pushed himself even harder. It was only just a bit further...he was close now. Cheddarbutt was hot on his heels, but he thought he could make it. He could even see a massive, old pine tree just on the inside of the branching path that'd be a perfect place to hide from Jeffrey! He just had to get there before this stupid dog chewed his legs off. But he could make it. As long as he stayed just a few feet ahead her, he'd probably have time enough to scale the tree. That nutjob down the road was now a secondary concern. What was he gonna' do, huh? Staple the tree trunk and scream at him all day? Maybe there were even some pine cones up the old evergreen that he could use as missiles to brain his pursuers. Spike had been hit in the head with a pine cone once. He didn't want to repeat the experience.
Well...that still probably wouldn't do much to ward off Jeffrey, but that stupid dog clearly responded to pain. She could consider it payback for giving him so much hell today. Well, he was about to see if he'd even have a chance for revenge, as his turn was coming up on his right. Spike pivoted sharply on his heels and cut the rounded edge of the trail's corner, turning right and sprinting down the branching path. The big pine tree in question was right in front of him...Spike could see a large, grey boulder sitting up against the side of the tree. The boulder was slanting upwards toward the tree trunk, almost forming a makeshift stepping stool of sorts. Well...wasn't that just grand? Hopefully, this wasn't just another feigned bit luck from his dark overlords meant to set him up for another cruel joke. Regardless, he'd take it.
Spike rocketed up the tree faster than he thought himself ever capable, using his claws to scale it like a cat. He didn't stop climbing to look down until he'd reached about 3/4 of the way to the top of the tree. His heart was pounding, and he was sucking wind like crazy...but at least he'd have a chance to catch his breath now. He picked out a sturdy-looking tree limb to sit on, as he pulled back the needled, evergreen foliage to get a look at his surroundings. He could see...the farm far off in the distance...and Ponyville even farther. Damn. Well...at least he was safe up here. He looked down at the base of the tree at his canine tormentor. Cheddarbutt was standing on the slope of the boulder and barking up the tree like an idiot. At this rate, she'd tip that psychopath off as to where Spike was hiding. It was almost as though the duo were unwittingly playing the roles of "hound" and "hunter." Whether they liked each other or not, those two were made for one another.
Spike now knew how raccoons felt getting hunted like this. It was too bad that there weren't any good-sized pine cones in this tree to chuck down at that mangy furball to shut her up. But...whatever. Chillaxing up in this tree was still a hell of a lot better than being chased for...how far had he run to get here? It had to be at least four to five miles! Wow. Spike was impressed with himself. He'd never run that far before...but it'd probably only been made possible by all that adrenaline he had pumping in his veins. He patted his belly. Huh. Maybe he'd burned an inch or two off his waistline with this whole ordeal. That'd be a nice consolation, albeit it'd only be a modest one. Spike wondered where that crazy buttwad had gone off to...he couldn't see the staple-obsessed weirdo on the road anymore. But he could hear a voice...yep. It was Jeffrey alright. The mad stallion's stapley cries were getting closer...
"Staple, staple, staple, staple, staple, staple, staple, staple, STAPLE, STAPLE, STAPLE, STAPLE, staple, staple, staple, staple, staple, staple!!!!!....", he screamed, his voice performing a textbook example of the "Doppler Effect."
The idiot had just lumbered right past Spike's hiding place!! Didn't he notice the friggin' dog barking at the top of it's lungs?! Well, that was a relief. Now he just had to play the "waiting game." He doubted he could wait long enough for Cheddarbutt to bored and leave...seeing as to how she'd probably been guarding that one stretch of road for hours...but he could wait long enough for Twilight or somepony else to get worried and come looking for him. He sighed in relief. It was all going to turn out okay after all. The little dragon took the opportunity to catch his breath now that he wasn't running for his life anymore. It was a good thing he was a dragon. Dragons were reptilian, ergo they had no sweat glands. They didn't need them anyway. Reptiles didn't overheat and had slow metabolisms...unlike mammals. They were cold-blooded and completely immune to high temperatures. Which was kind of neat in the summer...but not nearly so much in the winter. If Spike didn't have fire breath, he probably would have frozen to death a long time ago. The little dragon looked back down at his unwanted, canine compatriot...
Cheddarbutt was still there and still barking her stupid head off. Let her. He hoped she barked so loud that her throat would be as sore as Dumb-Bell's mom's crotch after coming home from "work" the next day. (Oh!! Zing!! You just got burned!!) Spike was no longer worried about the pitbull alerting that staple guy and revealing his hiding spot now that the lunatic was a long way down the road. So let the smelly mutt bark her freakin' head off. He didn't care. He could stay up here all day, if he had to! Not that he really wanted to do that. This branch he was sitting on was really uncomfortable. The pine bark on this branch was almost as rough and flaky as Dumb-Bell's mom's crotch and work ethic respectively. (Zing again!! This burn's going on tour today, son!! Where's the tour bus gonna' stop next?!) Spike squirmed and repositioned his posterior on the branch to get comfortable. No good. He groaned in exasperation. (Why does absolutely everything have to suck today?!!) Hey, it wasn't his posterior's fault! It was a great posterior! He'd been happily sitting on it for years now. In fact, it was one of Spike's most beloved past times. He loved nothing more tha-uh oh. The little dragon had just noticed a familiar shape coming back this way. It looked like Jeffrey had decided to retrace his steps to find him. He could even hear the insane stallion's psychotic cries in the distance getting louder as he lumbered closer...
"OOOOOOOGAHLOOOGAHLOOO!!!!!staple, staple, staple,staple, staple, staple,STAPLE, STAPLE, STAPLE,STAPLE, STAPLE, STAPLE!!!!!" The crazy a-hole had heard the barking and managed to find where Spike was hiding. He was almost to the tree now, shouting his ephemerally decipherable gibberish as he approached. Great. As though Cheddarbutt's noisy ass wasn't already giving Spike a big enough headache. The cross-eyed pitbull diverted her attention from barking up the pine tree to snarling at the approaching lunatic.
"BROTHER!! BROTHER, ARE YOU THERE!!? CURSE YOU, VILE CREATURE!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM!!!? ANSWER ME, YOU FILTHY BEAST!!! OH!!! W-WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!! YOU...YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!! OH, YEAH?!! WELL, I'M RUBBER, YOU'RE GLUE! YOUR WORDS BOUNCE OFF ME AND STICK BACK TO YOU!!!" Apparently, ole' Jeffy and Cheddarbutt were having a contest of "Let's see who can make the most ear-splitting noise for the longest...or at least until Spike's brain melts." And the grey stallion was definitely winning...and...also arguing with a snarling pitbull as though it were talking to him...Spike suddenly felt rather depressed that this was one of the least bizarre things he'd seen today.
"CURSE YOUR NAME, CHEDDARBUTT!! AND CURSE YOUR LEGS! AND MOUTH! AND EARS! AND EYES! AND ALL THE REST A' YA', YA' DUMB SKANK!!!" Well, ole Jeffy didn't seem too intimidated by the mangy furball, though that certainly didn't stop her from continuously trying to frighten him off. Spike was actually looking forward to this confrontation. From what he'd seen of their interactions up to this point, he could tell that the dog and stallion were arch enemies or something. It ought to be a pretty good show. He might as well watch. It wasn't as though he had anything else better to do up here in this tree than watch these two idiots duke it out...well...that and keep trying to find a comfortable spot to sit on this branch...in what was quickly becoming an exercise in futility.
"WHERE HAVE YOU IMPRISONED MY BROTHER, DEMON?!!! WHERE?!! WON'T TALK, EH?!! VERY WELL THEN, CHEDDARBUTT!!! SO BE IT!!! THEN LET THIS BE OUR FINAL BATTLE!!! C'MERE!!! IMMA' BOP YOU ONE, GURL!!!" Spike quietly guessed who'd be the victor. (Jeffrey. Claws down.)
Spike really had his money on the staple guy. Even though that dog had some gnarly-ass teeth, you really couldn't do much against a crazy guy with freakish super strength and a complete immunity to pain. That didn't stop the dog from charging him anyway, though. Much to Spike's surprise, the stapley freak headbutted the dog in mid-air!...knocking her back down to the ground with a yelp. Before she could fully rise to her feet, Jeff had already closed in on her. He popped her one in the face with his free hoof, knocking her back down on her ass. Spike was surprised he hadn't tried to staple her right then and there or something. The mad stallion then grabbed the mutt by the furry nape of her mange-covered neck and lifted her into the air. She began whining in fear. Was he going to staple her now? Spike had a feeling he'd never look at staplers/staples the same way again. He'd probably develop some sort of rare, staple-related form of PTSD after this was all over. He probably wouldn't be able to so much as look at a stapler without having flashbacks and hearing this lunatic's crazy whooping call in his head. ("OOOOOOOGAHLOOOGAHLOOO!!!!!" Oh...God...it's horrible...it's already happening!!)
"HAHA!!!! EXCELSIOR!! I AM VICTORIOUS!!! STAPLES BE PRAISED!!! AND NOW, FOUL DEMON,...NOW...I SHALL BANISH YOU BACK TO YOUR INFERNAL DESK DRAWER!! TELL JANET I SAID "HI" FOR ME WHEN YA' GET THERE!!...AND THAT I FAKED EVERY ORGASM!!!!" Spike really didn't need to hear that last part. He already had enough subject material for his inevitable future night terrors.
"SAYONARA!!!", screamed Jeffrey the Staple Freak as he tossed Cheddarbutt into the air and...and...literally punted her like a football!!! Like a field goal!!!
The mangy mutt went sailing off into the distance with a howl, completely clearing the treeline!! She must have flown the length of a football field at the very least!!! Spike hadn't even been able to see where she landed!!! The little dragon was at a complete loss for words...a turn of phrase that was rapidly losing it's meaning today. He just sat there in his hiding spot with his mouth agape. Could anypony really blame him, though?! Spike wasn't all that sure what he'd been expecting from a complete psychopath like this guy...well...in the granted exception of maybe stapling something...but it sure as hell hadn't been anything like that!!! He almost felt sorry for the stupid mutt...almost. Were it any other dog getting punted into the stratosphere like that, he would have felt pretty bad...but not her. The staple freak began manically hopping around and calling out for his "brother," flailing his forehooves about while crashing around in the brush near Spike's pine tree. The little dragon covered his mouth to quiet his breathing. He wasn't completely sure that this guy couldn't climb up after him. No sense in taking a chance on something like that.
"WHERE ARE YOU, MY LITTLE, DRAGON BROTHER?!! YOU CAN COME OUT NOW!!! I HAVE VANQUISHED THE FOUL DEMON!! YOU ARE SAFE NOW!! NOW WE CAN STAPLE OURSELVES INTO SALVATION!!" Spike crossed his fingers, praying the freak wouldn't start shaking the pine tree or something. But no...Jeffrey didn't even check the pine tree...he went straight for the boulder leaning up against the tree trunk.
"BROTHER!!! ARE YOU UNDER THERE?!! YOU NEEDN'T HIDE BENEATH THIS ROCK ANY LONGER!!! ALL IS WELL!!!", shouted the crazy bastard...as he effortlessly flipped the easily 2,000 lbs. boulder upside down with his one, free hoof!!!!
How?!!! What the hell was this guy!!? The only other pony who could do something like that was AJ's nutso older brother...who now really...kind of seemed...well-adjusted in comparison to this particular nutso. Seriously, though!! What was this guy?!! Was he a freakin' cyborg?! A cyborg created in the future and sent back in time to stop some sort of staple-related catastrophe from happening in his time!? And programmed to be nuttier than squirrel poop? And utterly obsessed with stapling things to other things?!! And there was something else, too...why in God's name did this weirdo check for Spike underneath the giant...massively heavy...impossible-to-move-and-he-would-likely-be-completely-squashed-flat-anyway-were-he-even-able-to-manage-such-a-feat boulder? Once again...Spike suddenly felt rather depressed that this was just another example of one of the least bizarre things he'd seen today. Honestly, he was getting pretty hardened to this guy's weirdness. After today, the little dragon wouldn't know what the hell to believe was possible/impossible anymore. Didn't matter much, though. After all this, nothing could surprise him anymore. If Spike found out that this skinny, grey psycho's farts sounded like country music and smelled like pine cleaner, he wouldn't be even remotely shocked.
"BROTHER?! Huh. I guess he's not here. Hmm. Wonder where he went...ah! I know! He must have evaded that vile demon and fled down that other road! Wonderful! Well, I suppose I'll just be on my way then. Shouldn't be too difficult to catch up with him. Well, then...now that all that mess is settled, I guess IT'S TIME TO TUNE IN TO THE MOTHERSHIP!!! EXCELSIOR!!! WELCOME TO STATION CHANNEL 99.9, "THE STAPLER!!" ALL STAPLE MUSIC, ALL STAPLE TIME!" I'M YOUR HOST, DJ JAZZY JEFF McSTAPLETITS, AND THIS HERE'S MY MAIN MAN, CHARLIE LA GRRRRRRRAPADORA!! ¡A HUEVO! VAMOS A HACER ESTO!! YOU GOT IT, MAN!! START US OFF WITH A TRACK, CHARLIE!! WE BUILT THIS CITY!! WE BUILT THIS CITY ON STAAAAAAPPPLES! YEAH, BUILT THIS CITY! WE BUILT THIS CITY ON STAAAAPPPLES!! ALRIGHTY, THEN! LET'S GET THIS PLACE REALLY JUMPIN'! HIT US WITH ANOTHER TUNE, CHARLIE, MY MAN!! PLAY US SOMETHIN' A LITTLE FUNKY!! NO HAY PROBLEMA, MI AMIGO!! SHE'S A VERY STAPLEY GIIIIIRRRRLL!!! THE KIND YOU DON'TTAKE TO THE OFFICE!! SHE WILL NEVER LET YOUR STAPLERS DOOOOWWWWWN!! ONCE YOU GET HER OUT THE SUPPLY CLOSET, OW GIRL!! SHE'S A STAPLE FREAK!! STAPLE FREAK!!! SHE'S SUPER FREAKY, YOW!!!" The mad stallion's final cry of gibberish echoed throughout the woods, fading in volume the farther away he got from Spike's hiding spot. But finally...there was silence. Jeffrey the Staple Freak was gone, having limped off down the road...the same way from whence he'd come originally...uuuuhhh....
"Wha-....what?...uhhh....my...brain...where..." Well, then! Time for ole' Spike the Dragon to short circuit!
Nope. Nope. Nope, nope, nope...nope...eenope...no way, no how...nope. Ain't happenin', sister. Nuh uh. Nein. Nyet. We ain't gonna' make it, Cletus ole' buddy...we're hangin' it up. Well, I ain't too happy 'bout that, Bandit. Hell no. Nopeity, nopeity, nope...soooooo much nope.....................and also "no." Spike had been wrong. He had indeed been surprised again. There really wasn't any language...in any context...in any dialect that could even remotely begin to elucidate what Spike had just witnessed...well...except maybe for a certain timeless classic: "WHAT THE F**K?!!!" The little dragon wasn't going to press his luck now, after the madness he had just witnessed. In fact, he made a solemn promise to himself not to ever press his luck again. He decided to play it safe and wait a bit. He wanted to be absolutely certain that his former, staple-obsessed comrade was actually gone for good. Too bad this tree branch wasn't more comfortable. Spike sighed...safe up here or not...his ass was really starting to chafe.
"Man...can't a dragon just catch a break?" Apparently not. Or at least not today. Maybe he was hexed or something. He was most definitely going to check the library for hex bags and occult symbols now.
After waiting for a good thirty minutes up in his "Pine Tree of Concealment and Solitude," Spike decided to start heading towards town...finally. He started climbing down the tree, taking great care to not fall and break his neck or something...that'd be pretty embarrassing after all that he'd just been through. But the little dragon had only made it down to one of the lower bottom branches before he froze. Spike could see a familiar shape through a small gap in the pine needles...it was coming down the road from the path that led to Sweet Apple Acres...it looked equine...he knew it couldn't possibly be that skinny, grey freak again...but...for some reason...seeing it filled him with dread anyway. Spike slowly positioned himself on a new tree limb and made sure he was completely concealed from sight. He wasn't taking any chances anymore. He'd promised himself he wouldn't. As the approaching figure came closer, it's owner's identity became evident. There was only one pony Spike knew that as big as this approaching figure...and who also had a red coat.
"Applejack's brother? What's he...ohhh...", he pondered to himself in a barely audible whisper. Spike had again forgotten that the Apples were some of the few ponies in town who habitually used these old back roads.
Spike had never liked having to cross paths with the giant, red mute in public...but out here? In the middle of nowhere? With no pony else around? And no way to defend himself? With no pony else around?!! Where no pony could possibly hear his final, agonized screams?! While being potentially murdered by this overgrown nutjob were he to flip out randomly in a fit of psychotic rage?!!! Spike quieted his breathing in case the big mook had superequine hearing and held his little body as still as possible. The little dragon didn't actually know whether or not the guy was...well...actually dangerous, but he wasn't taking any more goddamn chances today. The guy could actually be completely harmless and relatively nice for all he knew. The only thing Spike did know about the big stallion was that he was very likely batshit crazy. Maybe not as crazy as that last lunatic he'd met, but he had to have some pretty heavy-duty problems at the very least...and that was not...not the kind of pony you'd want to meet alone out here on the intersection of two deserted, old paths that might as well be named "Buttf***k Road and Murderslash Trail" respectively.
Big Mac drew closer and closer until Spike could fully distinguish his features. Huh. He looked a bit different than he normally did. Spike could tell, seeing as the last time he'd seen the guy was over two weeks ago. The contrast was apparent. The big mook wasn't wearing that old plow harness he usually did around his neck, and he had on a dark brown cowboy hat that was pulled low over his eyes. Also, he was toting his signature, leather saddlebag he always had with him by a strap across his shoulder that looked like one of those college professor-style bookbags. As the stallion came to within throwing distance of the pine tree, Spike could see that the guy had a lit cigarette in his mouth. The little dragon didn't know he smoked...he'd never seen him smoke before now...maybe Mac was trying to hide his habit from his family or something. The stallion had reached the pine tree and had started to pass by it. It looked like Mac had started growing himself a beard, too. Huh. Spike had to admit...it looked pretty good on him. He felt a sudden pang of jealousy. It wasn't fair that he couldn't grow facial hair like that! Granted...that...dragons didn't have hair follicles to grow facial hair...but dammit! He really wanted to grow himself a nice 'stache for his lady.
He just knew Rarity would simply melt like butter once she got a gander at Spike's big, bushy, macho-as-all-hell handlebar 'stache!! Yeah. She'd total-oops. Crap. Spike had nearly slipped off the tree branch he was sitting on, causing a few branches of lower portion of the tree to shake a little. Spike gulped and said a silent prayer, hoping that the big psycho hadn't heard the quiet rustling in th-ah. Nope. He'd heard it. Clearly, this guy had traded ears with a dog or something. Aaaaaannnnd now he'd stopped dead in his tracks and was looking directly at Spike's pine tree...and he had grabbed something out of his saddlebag...oh, joy. Spike couldn't tell exactly what Mac was now holding in his right hoof but knowing his luck, it was probably a big-ass butcher knife...that was coated in acid...and an exceptionally virulent strain of "Dragon AIDS"...and was also on fire. Honestly...should he have expected any differently? It was pretty clear to him that the dark gods who watched him wouldn't cut him even a little bit of friggin' slack today. Nope. It was abundantly obvious to him that the "Dark Ones" fully intended to ruin his every attempt to escape a grisly death...because that was clearly the only thing that brought the "Dark One's" any joy in life...and they probably got RAGING hard-on's at the mere thought of Spike being skinned alive and made into a lampshade or a pair of purple, size ten, dragon leather cowboy boots.
Spike kept his eyes on the big stallion who was now staring intently into the treeline, his ears swiveling around like antennae to try and figure out what had made all that rustling. The giant mute took a few steps towards the pine tree and stopped again to listen. The little dragon could see he had an angry, intense snarl on his face. That didn't look at all reassuring. Spike held his breath. He was veritably trembling with terror. Even if this guy turned out to be pretty decent and non-violent (Yeah. Right.), you simply had to admit that he was goddamn terrifying. Spike couldn't see Mac's eyes from under the dark brim of his hat, so he couldn't tell exactly where the stallion was looking right now. What would this nutbag do to him, if he found him? And how'd the guy even manage to hear such a subtle, barely discernible noise from over there? Was he a cyborg or something? Or a former park ranger? Wait...Spike suddenly remembered that AJ had said her brother had been in the army or something since he was eighteen years old. Was he some sort of elite, special forces shitbird who could tell the species of a unseen animal by the sound of it's fart?!! Could he...could he freakin' hear...like...Spike's heartbeat or something right now?!! The big mute was only about five feet away from where Spike was hiding right now, so he wouldn't put it past the guy.
Big Mac squinted intensely into the brush. Spike shivered. That stare of his could freeze vodka. This a-hole could put Clint Easthoof to shame, and that was saying a LOT. The aging actor had been hired solely because of that withering, intense stare of his. Spike squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath again in the somewhat misguided belief that doing so would make him a bit stealthier. But the little guy was about to catch a break finally. The sudden sound of some birds squawking and rustling in one of the trees near Spike's hiding spot had caught the crimson lunatic's attention. Mac snapped his head towards all the commotion, his bulging, veined neck's musculature being accentuated by the sudden contortion. Spike still couldn't believe how damn jacked this guy was...it had to be genetic or something. The big fruitcake's red coat was a lot thicker and fluffier than most, and the little guy could still see how musclebound he was. He'd probably be even more terrifying shaved bald...like one of those bears with eczema at the zoo. But...maybe now Spike could get a good look at what the guy was holding in the crook of his hoof. From this perspective, he could see it better...hopefully, it wasn't a knife like he'd initially thou-(Oh, goddammit!!)
It was indeed a knife...a very long...double-edged...serrated on one side...carbon black knife. Well...calling this thing a "knife" was like calling a 600 lbs. tiger a "kitty cat." It was more a long dagger or short sword than a knife, due to it's sheer machete-like length and construction. The carbon black finish on the blade, pommel, and hilt reflected no glint of light whatsoever. Both sides of the blade, serrated and straight, were wickedly sharp, and the very front tip portion looked tapered down to a reinforced, stabbing point. This thing looked like it could cut and stab it's way through an inch-thick steel door...no problem. This wasn't a friendly blade. It wasn't intended for any sort of non-violent utility. It was made for killing people...any species of people, really...ponies...griffons...minotaurs...whoever.........and dragons. Spike shivered. It was a tool of death. If this knife could say anything about it's owner's intentions, it wouldn't have anything pleasant to say like a utility knife might:
Simple utility knife: "Hey, there, Spike!! How ya' doin', buddy?! Great, great...glad to hear it! Say...would you like to whittle down some pieces of wood to make cute, little birdhouses with me? What's that? Oh, don't worry about that! I'll teach ya'! Here! You can borrow my pocket knife to get started! It'll be fun! Oh...and the ladies love a guy who's good with his hooves...err...claws. Great way to impress Rarity!"
Big Mac's knife: "Hey, there, Spike. What's up? Guess what I'm about to do with this big-ass knife? No, no...I'm not going to make birdhouses with you. That's gay as hell, man. No. I'm going to skin you and tan your hide into leather. Then I'm going make myself a purple, dragonhide rucksack to carry the dismembered remains of all my other victims to various dump sites around these woods to make it harder for the police to identify the bodies. But...since you're friends with my little sister and all...I'll go easy on ya' and make it quick. Now hold still for sec...you do not want me miss with this thing."
Spike quivered in terror, watching as big stallion stared intensely into the brush from whence the new noise had manifested. He finally seemed to it was merely a pair of birds that had made all the racket. Mac relaxed. He grinned and shook his head, snorting with amusement at his own frightening display of hyper-aroused paranoia. For a brief moment...and for reasons Spike didn't quite understand...he felt a twinge of pity for the big, red galoot. But the feeling was brief and had passed quickly. Why should he feel sorry for this crazy buttwad? Spike would kill to look like this guy, albeit he was especially loath to admit it. Crazy or not, the guy was built like a goddamn brick shithouse! Practically every mare in town blushed, giggled, and swooned when they saw him! If anything, he should feel sorry for Spike!...wait...no...that sounded lame. The big mute opened his saddlebag and sheathed his lethal-looking blade in a concealed black scabbard sewn to the inside of the bag...it was a pretty clever way to carry what Spike knew to be an exceptionally ILLEGAL weapon in public without arousing too much suspicion. That knife was easily eighteen inches long...the legal limit for a knife in Equestria was four to six inches, depending upon local government restrictions. And he kept this weapon in the saddlebag he always had with him when he left the farm?
So...basically...this big, red psycho always had this highly efficient tool of murder with him whenever he was out and about? Neat. This guy just had...he just had to be some kind of serial killer. The giant, red mute finished his cigarette and tossed it on the ground. He stamped the lit cherry out with his left forehoof and continued on his way, turning right at the intersection of the two paths. Before long...Mac had completely disappeared from view heading the opposite way that Jeffrey the Staple Freak had gone about thirty or so minutes ago. Honestly...Spike was kind of disappointed. He'd really been hoping Mac would meet up with that grey lunatic and duel him to the death or something. Now that would be a fight. Cheddarbutt's performance earlier had been a bit disappointing albeit entertaining. But...at least he wasn't going to be stapled, mauled, or stabbed/slashed to death....then again...it was still a bit early in the day to tell. That meteor could still very well be on it's way right now to squash Spike's scaly, little head down and out through his rectum. There was no point in jinxing it.
Spike exhaled a sigh of relief. Man...he'd somehow managed to encounter not one...but two psychos in one day! And he was still alive...for now. Spike wasn't sure if he was incredibly lucky or horribly cursed at this point. The little dragon waited in his hiding spot for ten more minutes just to be sure Mac was far down the road and not coming back anytime soon before climbing down to the ground. He wiped himself clean of pine needles and tree sap and started down the path to Sweet Apple Acres. It was a good deal farther to town going this way than the way Mac had just taken...but...there was no...NO way in hell Spike was about to potentially cross paths with that big, red psycho again. Even if "Big McSlash'nToss came back this way on his way home, at least Spike would have the potential benefit of being in the presence of other ponies. (I.e. Mac's family...I don't think he'd want to hurt them.) Spike briefly considered just calling everything quits and heading back to the library to beg Twilight to put him back to work...but...no. NO!!
"No way!! I'm doin' this!!"
He'd been through too much now to just pack up and leave!! After all he'd just been through, he couldn't just give up on his day off!! If anyone deserved a goddamn bear claw right now, it was ole' Spike the Goddamned Motherf***king Cursed-As-F***K Dragon!!! A lesser mind would've snapped at this point...but not his!! Oooohhhh, no!! NO, SIREE, BOB!! Not Spike!! He was made of stronger stuff than that!! He was going to have fun!! He was going to enjoy his day!!! (Hahahahahehehe....right?! Yeah! RIGHT!! YEAAAHHH!!!) Nothing was going to make him go off the deep-end and roll up in a fetal position, weeping hysterically like a little girl who'd just had a mental breakdown!! Nope!! He was determined to have a great day no matter the freakin' cost!! And it was going to be delightful!! FUN WAS TO BE HAD, THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WORLD HAD YET TO F***KING SEE!!!
"HEHEHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OH, YEAH!! HERE WE GO!! I'M GONNA' HAVE A BEAR CLAW AND SEE RARITY, EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!!!!!!"
And if his luck continued like this...it was very possible that it would.
XXXXXXXXXX [END OF CHAPTER EXPOSITION SEQUENCE INITIALIZED] XXXXXXXXXX
*cue Dukes of Hazzard-style episode summary with narrator and banjo music*
"Whooooooeeeeeee!! Now that sure was a big ole' mess a' trouble! Well, it sure do look like lil', ole' Spike the Dragon's done had hisself a purdy rough day, huh? Who knows what's gon' happen to the little feller next? Will he ever get to see Rarity today? Will he ever get hisself a goddang bear claw? Will Twilight Sparkle ever finish readin' that big ole' book o' hers? Will Rainbow Dash ever come to grips with her abandonment issues? Will Hoops ever finish his doctoral thesis on the "monoamine theory of depression?" Will Dumb-Bell ever accept his mother's occupation as a private dancer?...dancer fer money?...do whatcha' want her to do? Will Big Mac ever finish distillin' his current batch of "The Apple Family's World Famous Crystal Methshine?" Well, tune in to Chapter Three to find out!...just as soon as that lazy shitfuck of an author stops snortin' lines a' Comet Cleanser long enough to actually write it."
Hey, screw you, man!...I got...like...a prescription and stuff.
Author's Note
The first person to point out this chapter's hidden reference to a certain commercial aired in the early to mid-nineties will get written into this story in some way over which he/she will have zero creative control...for whatever that's worth...not a whole lot apparently...
But you'll still be goddamn grateful to have even that, won't you?! Huh?! HUH!!?? Yeah, I thought so.
On a side note, I sincerely apologize for creating Jeffrey the Staple Freak. Surprisingly enough, I wasn't high when I thought him up.
