A changeling's visit to Skyrim

The morning light crept over the throat of the world as Narfi walked out of the inn. His belly was full from a hearty breakfast and he was ready for the hard day’s work ahead. He smiled as he walked down the main road through the small town of Ivarstead, greeting those he passed.

“Good day, Klimmek.”

The fisherman grunted in response.

“Good day to you too Bassaianus.”

“Not really, but whatever.” mumbled the town pessimist.

“Hello Miss Temba.”

“Hello to you too. See you at the mill.” She said before grumbling something about bears.

“Nice to see you again Drizeel.”

The assassin in question continued to aim a cannon at him.

“Greetings guardsman.”

“No lollygaggin’.”

Yes it was a fine boring day just like any other in Ivarstead. Nothing out of the ordinary here… Nope… just peace, quiet, and tranquili-

“YOU INSOLENT CUR! HOW DARE YOU FONDLE THE ROYAL FUNBAGS!?!”

Across the river things were very different from the afore mentioned peace and tranquility.

Two women stood across from each other. The Bosmer with the recently added palm-print on her face was easily recognized as the Dragonborn. The second, with her dark blue wings and the horn jutting from her forehead might have been mistaken for some kind of hagraven, but you’d need to drink a lot of mead for a hagraven to look that hot. And finally, at the epicenter of the coming sh*t-storm was a small, terrified goblin-like creature, nervously trying to calm both parties to no effect.

Now most guys would be totally fine with having two hot ladies fighting over them, but Stross was in a unique position in that they were about to be actually fighting over him.

“Ow, my freaking face.” Fenora complained as she rubbed her still stinging cheek.

“HA! Taste-ith mine wrath you perverted- Whoa… Whoa, Ahh!” Luna began before losing her balance and face-planting into the ground. “Wait, wait. I’ve got this. Curse this spindly bipedal form. Hold on… there. See, I- Ah!” the Princess grumbled as she hilariously tried to stand up once more only to fall backwards and into a mound of snow. “Gah-ha-ah that’s cold!”

“Wow, even I wasn’t that bad on my first try.” Stross thought as he watched the clumsy display.

“What’s the matter Princess?” Fenora snickered “Is this your first time? You seem to be having trouble getting it up. Or perhaps you’re just getting cold feet.”

“Silence!” Luna yelled, springing up and getting right in Fenora’s face, using her wings to stabilize her wobbly legs “I am a ruler of Equestria, and I will not be molested and insulted by the likes of some common thug!”

“You want to talk to me about overstepping boundaries? How about trying to steal my changeling?!” Fenora turned back to the root of their problems.

“I am well within my rights as Princess of Equestria!” Luna countered as she hastily covered herself up with Stross’s cloak (which she took without asking, by the way) “It is my duty to protect Equestria and my subjects from any threat, and changelings pose a greater danger to us than anything else. I cannot risk them searching other worlds for allies to aid them in destroying us.”

“Changelings are evil and they invaded our city and they eat ponies' love and boo hoo hoo.” Fenora waved her hands around while doing a dopey impression of the Princess. “News flash, Stross wasn’t even part of the invasion! He was never allied with Chrysalis, and he certainly doesn’t want to destroy you.”

“Is that what he told you? You can’t trust a changeling; they’re nothing but lies and hatred!” Luna scowled at Stross.

“You take that back you bitch! Stross is the nicest, funniest, and most loyal and caring person I’ve ever met!” Fenora defended him. “And you’re not taking him away, because he’s mine dammit!”

“Do you even know what you’re saying?!” Luna was taken aback “You must be under this changeling’s mind control! I’ll free you.”

“Fen!” Stross yelled as a blast from Luna’s horn hit Fenora square in the face, sending her staggering backward until she tripped over a tree stump.

Luna loomed over her as she lay on the ground. “There, the changeling’s mind control has been broken. No need to thank- GAH!”

In an instant, Fenora had swept her legs out from under her and had pinned her to the ground. “I! Wasn’t! Under! Mind control! Stross! Wouldn’t! Do that!” She yelled, each fragment of sentence punctuated with a punch using a set of brass knuckles.

Luna finally managed to magically blink herself out of harm’s way, leaving Fenora to punch a hole in the ground where her face had previously been, anchoring half her arm in the frozen topsoil.

“The fiend must have you enthralled more severely than I previously thought.” Luna said, wiping the blood from her mouth; even with her Alicorn resilience, that barrage of punches still hurt like crazy. She then turned to Stross, who was watching the fight from the side-lines “If that is the case then I must destroy the source of this affliction. Have at thee, trickster demon of-”

“Not so fast!”

“Lydia!” Stross said, overjoyed to see the housecarl/carrier-of-heavy-stuff coming to his aid.

“Stross is a Thane of Whiterun, and a friend. As both his (reluctant) friend and housecarl, I cannot allow you to harm him. Stand fast!” She pulled out her battle-axe.

“By my sister, how many of you has he enslaved?!” Luna asked before grabbing Lydia in her telekinetic glow “I apologize for this, noble protector, but I promise you’ll be rid of the changeling scourge soon.” Then in a flash of light, Lydia vanished.

Back in Whiterun, Laelette was exhausted after helping to “test” the blood donations at the temple of Kynareth the day before, and then helping the guards “deal with” a bunch of bandits attacking on of the farms the following night. She had finally run out of lotions of resist sunlight, and decided to get some sleep while Arcadia mixed up some more. But when she was just about to crawl into her makeshift coffin, she heard a screaming get louder and louder.

“I don't get PAID ENOUGH FOR THIIIIIISSSSSSS!!!” Lydia managed to scream out while she plummeted from fifty feet above Whiterun and crashed through the roof of Breezehome.

Laelette could only stare in surprise at the Nord warrior as she lay upon a large chunk of roof in a crumpled heap. “Shenanigans with Fenora and Stross?”

Lydia weakly nodded her head.

Then Farkas and Vilkas crashed through the roof and landed next to Lydia.

“Picking a fight with giants?”

“Yep.” They replied in unison.

Back near Ivarstead, Luna advanced on Stross with her phasers horn set to disintegrate.

“You’ve got it all wrong your majesty; I’m not controlling them! I really have earned their trust, their friendship! We’re saving the world together! I’d barely even considered going back to Equestria!” Stross yelled as he backed away, holding his hands up defensively.

“LIES!” Luna barked in her Royal-Canterlot-voice as she fired a blast at the cowering changeling.

Stross ducked just in time to avoid the shot, letting it hit the cliff behind him. He looked back to see that a large chunk of the rock face had crumbled into dust.

“Oh, buck me.”

Luna hovered before him and cut off his escape. With a burning vengeance in her eyes she charged up her horn again. “Any last words before I-“

“Yeah…” Fenora said, wrapping her arms around Luna’s neck and dragging her back to ground level. Then she positioned her lips right next to Luna’s ear and shouted out the iconic “FUS RO DAH!”

The lunar Princess felt as though her head was going to explode from the concussive sound-wave at point blank. But at the same time, she now knew how the ponies on nightmare night must have felt when she spoke to them in her Royal-Canterlot-voice for the first time.

With her ears still ringing, Luna elbowed Fenora in the gut, allowing her to turn and face her. “WE LET THEE KNOW THAT TWO MAY PARTICIPATE IN THIS EVENT!” She yelled back in retaliation.

“Fine then, if it’s a shouting match you want, then game on Princess!” Fenora challenged.

Then the two of them each took a deep breath and began to scream at the top of their lungs; the sound produced created a shockwave that ripped up the surrounding trees and foliage, scattered the clouds and sent debris flying every which way.

If one were crazy enough to listen to it, it would sound something like this.

“AAAAAAHHHH!!!”

“AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!”

“AAAAAAAHHH!!!”

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!”

“AAAA- I’m beating you- AAHHHH!!!”

“AAAA- In your dreams- AAAAAAA!!!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

*Meanwhile in the Greybeard’s pillow fortress of solitude.*

“What in Oblivion is going on down there?! It’s as if a thousand masters of the voice are trying to bring down the sky!” yelled one of the Greybeards as he huddled in the corner of the pillow fort with the rest.

“Shouldn’t we try to put a stop to it?” Arngeir asked as he stood apart from the others, looking out a nearby window as the monastery shook around him.

“(Ah Haal Naw) That sounds unwise, my friend.” Paarthunax said as he curled into a ball “Never before have I heard such anger, not even during the great war (Dem Gurls Piist Da Fug Ohf). I believe we could do little to stop such a force (Ah-ie Aint Goh-iin Ouwt Thaar).”

The Greybeards murmured in agreement as they sought out the animal-shaped cushions of protection and bunkered down.

After nearly half an hour of the continuous screaming that rattled the timbers and stones of every building from Windhelm to Solitude (and costing thousands of septims worth of damage in shattered glass and spilled mead), the Dragonborn “Can-crumble-mountains-with-her-voice” Fenora Tandis, and Princess “Royal-capslock-voice” Luna had finally exhausted their supply of air and were now gasping for breath.

“By the stars…” panted Luna as she knelt on all fours “That was more intense… than an argument between me and my sister… over which flavor of frozen dairy reigns supreme.”

“No kidding…” Fenora said from her sitting position, equally in need of oxygen “Oh and… Rocky Road is best flavor.”

“BLASPHOMY! NOTHING COULD EVER TRIUMPH OVER THE COOL SWEETNESS OF MINT COCHOLATE-CHIP!” Luna blasted her with her magic again.

Fenora quickly recovered and went on the attack once more. “I disagree and so does my greatsword!” she yelled as she delivered an overhead swing.

Luna dodged out of the way as the massive blade nearly clipped her. The swords momentum kept it going, embedding itself halfway into the trunk of an uprooted tree.

Now that she had a chance to concentrate while the elf tried to get her sword free, Luna focused her magic into a summoning spell. She focused her spell until it took shape and became solid, creating an elegant spear of a blue-ish silver metal with her emblem etched into the guard.

“Oh, I see how it is.” Fenora finally gave up on dislodging her greatsword “You’re trying to out-baddass-weapon me! Well we may not have spears in Skyrim (for whatever stupid reason), but our friends in Hammerfell have something far superior. Behold!”

“Mother of me. That’s a… a…” Luna pulled off a pair of shades that somehow appeared on her face and stuttered in astonishment as Fenora dramatically unsheathed the weapon and held it skyward in a salute to the smithing Gods.

“A curved sword? Yes it is. Not so tough now, are you?” Fenora said, and began to show off with it; doing flips, whirling it around, tossing it into the air and preforming stunts with the blade. “I’ve practiced a ton with this thing. So how ‘bout you just surrend- OW!” Fenora yelled as Luna blasted her off her feet and knocked her unconscious.

“Hmph, finally. Now then, we believe there was the issue of a changeling at hoof.” Luna turned back to Stross.

“Umm, actually it’s ‘the issue at hand’. You know, as long as we have these things.” He nervously corrected as he wiggled his fingers.

Luna’s glare was all that was needed to tell him that she didn’t care. However, he was so focused on the Princess as she ensnared him in her magic that Stross didn’t hear the echoing call that rang through the air.

“Now if there will be no further interruptions. We shall bring you back to Equestria, and then banish you from Equestria, and then make sure you are locked up in the place you are banished to!”

Luna was about to do to Stross what was considered by most everypony in Equestria to be one of the harshest punishments of all time, and by one fashionista to be one of many "Worst. Possible. Things.", when a massive object landed right behind them with an impact that shook the ground.

Both Luna and Stross took a timid glance behind them, and were greeted with the sight of a great hulking dragon… wearing a monocle and a top hat?

“I say there chaps, I do believe there was quite a commotion going on around these parts.” It spoke in a heavy colonial British accent.

Luna and Stross could find no words as they exchanged a quick glance with each other.

“Allow me to introduce myself, I am Sir Godfrey, second leftenant of lord Alduin’s glorious Dovah army. Now then, I have to ask; do either of you know where the Dragonborn is? For you see, lord Alduin has made it quite clear that he or she be eliminated. Don’t want them foiling our plans for world conquest, eh what.”

“I- Wait a second. World… conquest?” Luna questioned.

“Oh, why of course.” Godfrey answered smugly “These filthy vermin you see running around nowadays are merely an… infestation, if you will. Why, they don’t deserve to bask in the presence of us immortal beings. Soooo, we’re just going to wipe them all out and have a jolly good time ruling the world.”

Luna was shocked, both at the declaration of genocide, and at how casually the dragon had said it. “Wipe them out?!”

“I told you the dragons here were a bunch of pricks.” Stross said matter-o-factly.

“Silence.” Luna hissed as she constricted his throat with her magic. “Now then, you beast!” she turned to Godfrey “This world may not be our own, but as Princess of the night, we shall not allow you to cause such devastation upon the innocents of this world!”

“They are innocent, right?” she whispered to Stross.

“Sometimes… I guess. It’s kind of a wavering fifty-fifty ratio between jerks and good guys.”

“THAT BE-ITH GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!” She bellowed “YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!”

The Royal-Canterlot- voice washed over Sir Godfrey like a stiff breeze. Curtly, he adjusted his monocle and top hat before craning his neck to observe the Princess more closely. “Well then, what have we here?” His gaze locked on to the bird-woman below him “From that verbal onslaught, I’d say ‘tis a fair accusation to assume that, in fact, you are the Dragonborn.”

“I know not what thou speak of, BUT I SHALL SLAY THEE NONETHELESS!” Luna prodded him with the tip of her spear.

“Oh! Ouch! I say, stop that; that is terribly impolite!” Godfrey retracted his head from the ground as Luna continued to attack him, making a fuss regardless of his scales easily deflecting her magic and her spear. “Right then! If you would dare try to slay me, then truly you must be the Dragonborn. Oh, lord Alduin will surely promote me after I destroy you. I might get to rule my own continent, or get my own castle- ooh, one made of crystal…”

“Shut up and fight me, you dumb lizard!” Luna yelled, still hacking feverishly at Godfrey while he was distracted by delusions of grandeur.

“Oh yes of course, I’d all but forgotten about you. Tally ho!” he said casually before scooping up Luna in his mouth and swallowing her whole with an audible gulp. “Ah, mint chocolate-chip. Delicious, though no match for French vanilla in my opinion.”

A muffled profanity came from the dragon’s stomach.

“Hmm? Still alive in there, are you?” Sir Godfrey moved his head closer to his belly “Well do try to digest while you’re in there, I shall shortly be washing you down with some peasants. Cheerio!” He then swooped over to the nearby snack-tray called Ivarstead, leaving Stross to sit there with his jaw on the ground while he pondered what in Tartarus or Oblivion had just happened.