Insert Human Here

Author's Note: Nice alliteration up there. Anyway, this chapter is the first “gaiden” (外伝) chapter in this story. What's a gaiden chapter, you might ask? Well, a gaiden chapter is essentially a side-story; a different component to the plot. I'll mainly use gaiden chapters to show different parts of a story from different viewpoints. For example, this chapter shows the dream that Rainbow Dash was having before Pinkie and Incer woke her up in Chapter 1. All gaiden chapters will be marked with an “x” in the chapter number.

PoV Character: Rainbow Dash

“...And we're done. I really wish I could thank you for the help, but honestly, you fly like a first year flight school drop-out.”

After saying this to my incompetent partner, I sped off into the distance so that I could get away from him as fast as ponily possible. That experience had really worn my patience thin, and I was glad that I could escape before I did something that I would regret later.

All right, enough of that. So what if that guy was a complete screw-up? What matters is that I've done my work for today, so now I can enjoy my free time by taking a nice afternoon nap.

I checked behind me to see if he was following. He wasn't, so I slowed my pace to search for the perfect tree to nap in. After about a minute, I had found it. A nice oak tree with plenty of thick, healthy leaves, perfectly shaped branches, and stocky, sturdy limbs. Not that sturdiness is a concern, when your figure is as sleek as that of yours truly, but I digress. I settled into the comfortable array of foliage, and within a few minutes...

Suddenly, I awoke in a land of blue nothingness. Regardless of how far I stared off into the distance, or in what direction, I could see nothing but a void of... Cobalt? Azure? Cerulean?

Bah, who gives a rat's flank?

Then, I heard a voice behind me.

“Well, hello there, Rainbow Dash,” said the voice, in a tone that was nearly stoic in one way, and in another way, would almost be considered seductive. I turned around to face the speaker. Underneath his dark cloak, I noticed a few features that seemed quite familiar to me. His pallid coat, his teal mane, his crimson eyes...

“You're... that pony from earlier? How'd you get all the way out here? You can't even fly straight!” I asserted furiously.

“Well, excuse me for not grasping the finer points of aerodynamic propulsion, for I had more important things to do,” he snapped back. “Like, for example, managing all of the grim-dark around here.”

“Grim-dark? What the hay are you even talking about?” I questioned irately.

“Oh? You don't know what grim-dark is?” he asked, taunting me. “Well, grim-dark is a collective term that is used to refer to the sensational things that strike fear in the hearts of colts and fillies everywhere!”

“Pffft, whatever, you don't scare me,” I replied vexedly.

“And that's where you're wrong,” he said as he wrapped his foreleg around my back. “This show here is perfect for scaring the likes of you. See that over there?” The pegasus pointed towards something lying on the ground. It was a light shade of blue that could almost blend into the scenery, had it not been for a few spots of rainbow...

Wait, rainbow? Is this... ME?!

The dark-cloaked pony spoke again. “As you can see, there's your corpse right over there. What were you killed by, you might ask? Well, you might have been killed by a rampaging wild animal, maybe by crashing at terminal velocity, or perhaps in a train wreck, I can't exactly say that I know. I can't exactly say that I care, either. What's important to me is what we can do with your body, now that you're not using it.”

What the...

I saw a bright light envelop my body. Immediately, I protested, “Hey, I call sour apples! You don't have a horn!”

He responded with, “Who needs a horn when you have this magical scythe?” I turned sideways to look at him. He was indeed carrying a large stick that resembled a scythe. Turning back to the action, I witnessed what would be the beginning of one of the most grotesque sights I had ever seen.

Through magical means, incisions were being made across various parts of my body. My cyan coat was now riddled with crimson stripes. Then, skin separated from muscle as my outer layer slid apart from the one underneath, making slippery, slimy sounds every centimetre of the way.

“...There's the skin. We'll just set this aside for later,” said the scythe-wielding freak. “Right now, it is time for the harvest.”

Daunted, I was forced to watch in horror as my remains were telekinetically carved up, with slice after slice of flesh falling to the ground after being freed from their home. Soon enough, my once-intact carcass had become little more than bones, surrounded by two piles of meat on both sides of it. The meat cast a bright glare as it levitated towards our psycho of the hour.

“Such fine quality comestibles we have here,” he said in a tone that combined ecstasy with lunacy. “Hmm, what to do with all of this...? Ah, I've got it! The dark meat I can send down to the bakery, as there's no doubt that such luxurious meat will make several dozens of rich, delicious, excellent cupcakes for all to savour and enjoy...”

...C-c-cupcakes?

“...And as for the white meat,” he continued, “although there may not be nearly as much of it as I expected, will still make quite a fine feast for me. But, I digress. After all, we've yet to reach the fun part. That's up next. It is time to harvest the Spectra!”

As he shouted this, he let loose another round of magic from his scythe. My skin, which had been cast aside for the duration of this demonstration, lit up. Then, the rainbow of awesomeness that used to be in my mane appeared to drain upwards into an rapidly expanding orb of colour. Within a few seconds, the orb, full of colourful light, had enlarged to match the size of an average pony, and my skin was reduced to nothing more than an achromatic blob.

“Ah, yes,” marvelled the deranged pegasus. “The rainbow is strong with this one. In fact, given the right conditions, this right here could be enough Spectra to make rainbows for an entire month of rain!” He then laughed maniacally.

For some reason, his enthusiasm towards the production of rainbows is what finally sent me over the edge. My astonishment had finally turned into anger. I was tired of his crap, and ready to speak my mind as I prepared to lash out, and let him have both barrels of a controlled, concentrated burst of rage.

“Look, bucknugget!” I exclaimed furiously. “I have no idea who you think you are, or what you think you're doing, but if you think for one second that your little gory display means anything, guess again! So what if it's scary? That doesn't mean there's a point to it! In fact, you don't even scare me any more! I've seen you in action before, and because of that, I know that you're just a big pushover! So what do you have to say about that?”

His immediate response was a demented laugh followed by, “Oh, Rainbow Dash. You're a feisty one, aren't you?” He wrapped his foreleg around the back of my neck. “...I like that.”

The maniac then proceeded to press his lips against mine to partake in a passionate kiss of epic proportions. His course of action was unexpected, confusing, and, without a doubt, strange, but even stranger than that was the fact that I made no effort to resist his advance. I just accepted it, and in fact, was even beginning to enjoy it.

Mmm... I have no clue what the hay is going on, but I guess it's not so bad...

We both breathed heavily in excitement as his tongue began to explore the inside of my mouth. In his warm breath, I could smell the faint aroma of strawberry cupcakes.

Wait, cupcakes?

I opened my eyes. The white face I expected to see had been replaced with pink, pink, and more pink. Then I looked around, seeing that the blue abyss was replaced by daytime Ponyville. I focused back on the pony in front of me.

“Pinkie Pie?” I asked groggily. I tried to look up at her face, but my neck was still stiff.

“RAINBOW DASH!” she screamed. The sheer volume of it caused me to recoil. “Oh, thank goodness you're all right! I took a good look at you while you were sleeping, and you looked like you were having the worst nightmare ever!” As Pinkie was saying this, she began to use her hooves to stroke my coat, which was, admittedly, a bit dishevelled after my nap.

“You know, Pinkie,” I replied, looking into her eyes. “I kind of was, so thanks for getting me out of it.”

“Any time, sister!” she said, and then she wrapped her forelegs around me. I chuckled as I reciprocated her hug. After a while, we released each other, and Pinkie jumped out of the tree, back down to the earth. I gave a sigh of accomplishment to celebrate my survival of the nightmare.

Phew... I'm glad that's finally over...

Just then, I heard a familiar voice behind me.

“So... We meet again, Rainbow Dash.”