Author's Note

Viewer Discretion Advised

2

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Tales of an Unusual Mare

2

So today after work, some pinkie pony randomly ran up and scared the living sh** out of me. After apologizing about 50 times, she introduced herself as "Pinkie Pie" and wanted to welcome me to Ponyville.

I just realized that I've been here about a week or two, and now this person randomly wants to give me a tour of the town? Where the f*** was this girl when I first got here?

Anyway, I told her I didn't need a tour — I had practically memorized the town by now — but she kept pulling my arm and begging me to go along. I eventually gave in and, no surprise here, she showed me everything I already knew about.

The only thing I never checked out was the bakery, which she took me to and begged me to have a cupcake. When I told her I didn't want one, she gave me these pathetic puppy eyes. But I didn't buy any of it. Eventually, she gave up (surprisingly very easily) and then told me that someone called "Twilight" wanted to see me.

She took me to this tree that reminded me of the one from.....I forget, some fantasy story that had a character living in a tree. The Magic Treehouse, maybe? Anyway, we went inside and she greeted me like I was another form of life. Again, the thing that seems to detach me from everyone else are by problematic crotchboobs.

She told me she had a ton of questions written down that she wanted to ask. (Again, where the hell was THIS girl when I first arrived?) But before that, she introduced me to her......I dunno, a little dragon named "Spike." I had to try my hardest not to squeal with joy, being the diehard dragon fan that I am. (Though, I hate the design of Chinese dragons.)

Apparently the little guy just does stuff for Twilight all day. That sucks! He's a f***ing DRAGON! Show some respect, people!

Anyway, she asked me where I was from, how old I am, what kind of education I have, basically the stuff you would put on your college application.

Then she asked me about my old jobs. I told her my day job was working at a grocery store, and the other......I won't talk about it here. But let's just say that when I described it to her, she was pretty shocked. (What creeped me out is how the pink girl seemed totally unphased.)

What was cute was that the dragon, uh, Spike seem really surprised, and didn't understand would want to do what I used to. He seemed really concerned, even asking if I regretted my choices and if I would ever do it again. This is what gets me angry, folks; He's loving and understanding, but they treat him like Chiwetel Ejiofor's character in "12 Years a Slave." I don't even need to tell you about the movie for you to get what I mean.

I could tell Twilight was trying to forget about it, because she went back to the easy questions. Then she came upon another difficult subject, my crotchboobs. I told her that I didn't know why they appeared or what caused them. I did tell her about how I have to deal with them every day. She felt so bad that she said she'd come up with a spell to get rid of them. What, and fight mother nature? I happen to know from experience that when you try to fight mother nature, she likes kick you square in the a** and send you flying 1000 feet. With a hard landing.

So after that, Pinkie showed me around the home of some woman called "Rarity." More like "Rarely shuts up about how she does thing better than you." I swear, that b**** criticized everything from my hair to my diet to the makeshift bra I made. I wanted to leave the house as soon as possible, but Pinkie forced me to stay and watch Rarity make a new bra for me.

Great, so first she shows up a week late to give me a tour, then forces me to do things I OBVIOUSLY DON'T WANT TO DO. Remind me to tell my son to move here, because he'd quickly learn how unpleasant this place is.

So then she introduced me to Rainbow Dash, who's probably the most self righteous, lazy, and arrogant person I've met next to Rarity. I swear, we're halfway to seeing the Krau-.....nah, I won't say it.

Then she introduced me to Fluttershy, who I was barely able to get a word out of.

Finally, she showed me to Applejack, who I swear is probably the only person here I like. Sure, she lies all the time, but she's a hard worker. When we saw each other, I think we both got that sense that we both have worked hard to make a living. She even showed me how to apple-buck (or whatever it's called), and damn I'm a good kicker.

So after saying goodbye to her and Pinkie, I walked home to go milk myself. When I got there, the lights were off, which was weird because I always leave them on to make people think I'm home. I felt a little pain in my crotchboobs and I removed my bra to look at what hurt.

Then G-d proved that he hated me by having every pony in town there to surprise me. I swear, I screamed to loud I must have made someone deaf.

Covering myself, I demanded to know why everyone was in my house. Pinkie said she set the whole thing up, and I lost my sh**. I started screaming at the top of my lungs and swearing at her for breaking into my house just to set up a party. I saw her hair deflate like a balloon, but I didn't care. I yelled at everyone to get out, and they did so without hesitation.

That brought another night of being unable to sleep. What happened to me to make me such an a**hole?

The next day, Pinkie came to apologize, and I accepted it on the terms that she would not do it again. She hugged me tight enough to squeeze my lungs out, then bounced off.

I've completely lost track of who's sane and who's insane in this town. I'm not even sure I'm same anymore.