Pony Persona Project: Wait, what?

People dressed in (mostly poor or creepy) costumes, upper ninety degree heat waves, and enclosed spaces. Three things I hate yet am forced to endure, all because I was blackmailed into being the ‘designated driver’ for a convention run.

You read that right.

Specifically, it was an MLP convention.

Again, you read that right. I've been blackmailed into attending a My Little Pony convention. Attending? I thought you were just driving. Oh, how I wish that were the case. Except they (the ignoramuses [idiots] who dragged me into this) decided I had to attend as well…in costume. The only consolation was that I got to pick it out myself. So I threw some crap together, grabbed a kendo stick and called myself ‘Silent Persona Protagonist’.

They hated my costume; I hated the fact I was going to be stuck in a car with the three stooges for seven hours and had to skip breakfast to do it. They consider themselves bronies but I think actual bronies would be offended being compared to these annoying ingrates. Or maybe they wouldn't, I haven’t actually met any of them yet. To relieve the boredom of the trip they performed dramatic readings…of clopfics. They also sang off key karaoke to some of the show’s songs.

I should probably introduce these guys, huh? Let’s start with Danny who currently had his knees in the back of my seat. He’s the singing natural (disaster) and is nearly as uninspired as me since he’s dressed like a royal guard. It’s kind of sad since he’s a costume designer for our colleges’ drama department. A particularly high note reminded me just WHY he wasn't allowed on stage.
The girl next to him is Fred. Her real name is Amanda Fredericks. She’s a big fan of Joss Whedon and has a personal mission to make everyone around her as uncomfortable as she possibly can. Guess what she likes reading! She also claims her costume is Princess Luna’s most trusted adviser Night Owl aka her own OC.

Finally, in my passenger seat, we have Nick. He’s the only one not currently in costume since he needed his sister to help with the makeup. He’s going to be an anthropomorphic Sombra. Speaking of which…

“How can you honestly say that?” He starts shoving his phone in my face. “Tell me you wouldn't hit that.” I glance away from the (thankfully) empty highway. It was an anthro Applejack in a red g-string.

“I wouldn't hit that.” He’s somehow shocked at my answer.

“Dude, you have problems.” I just gave him a glare. That wasn't even worth a response.

Luckily, Nick’s sister met us at the hotel with our room keys so, leaving Nick to get ready, we headed to the convention proper. Even better, as soon as we got there I was left alone to wander. And wander I did.

“Who in their right mind would pay twenty-eight bucks for sunglasses?” Lo and behold, someone was actually that stupid. Oh wait, it’s just Fred. “I should have known.” I went back to wandering aimlessly. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I sure as hell wasn't spending my money on anything other than gasoline. I eventually found my way to the outside activities (read: role playing and table flipping). Then some creepy old dude in a shit camouflage (I wish I made that up) tracksuit stepped on my foot.

“Fuck!” I am not an eloquent man.

“Oh I’m so sorry, my boy.” His smile said otherwise.

“I’m twenty-two.”

“Yet you’re dressed like a Japanese high school student.”

“I’m not exactly a fan of ponies.”

“You shouldn’t be.” That caught me off guard. I doubt he noticed though. “They’re all so stale and boring. Going about their same old routines with ‘Love’ and ‘Tolerance’ and ‘Friendship’ all in the name of their precious-“ he made a gagging sound “-Harmony.” I officially thought the guy was crazy at this point. “It’s why I prefer you humans. You’re so much more entertaining. Always finding new ways to spread chaos like those delightful little fan fictions.” He actually giggled as he said that. Giggled!

“What the fuck are you on?” He just smiled at me, one little fang just a bit bigger than the rest.

“And there’s that word. A little rude for my taste but oh so chaotic! It always works no matter what you do and there’s no real definition. Just say it once and BOOM a simple little spat turns into a city wide riot! It’s simply wonderful.” I went to stand; I wanted to get as far away from this crackpot as possible. Instead he forced me back into my seat before calmly sipping his coffee. “It’s rude to just walk out on someone like that, you know.” He motions to the table between us. “You could at least stay for a drink.”

“Wait, what?” I was starting to freak out now. “When did we get here? How did we get here? Where is here? Where’s everybody else?” All of these were very good questions. “What the fuck is happening.”

“Ignoring others is also quite rude. And that last one wasn’t even a question. Although, if you’re like this for me then I’d love to see you get under her skin but I digress…” He slams a ham on the table. “Pay attention!” While that did manage to calm me down a bit, now I wanted to know where the ham came from.

“What the hell are you?”

“At least you’re changing up your vocabulary.” He grumbled. “And that’s a question I would ask if I didn’t already know.” He devoured the ham in single bite, somehow pulling a comb from his teeth and adjusting his hair. “The answer is that compared to me you aren’t even an ant. You’re also starting to annoy me.” I may have freaked out before but the calm way he said that utterly terrified me. I barely noticed his doppelganger in a butler outfit set a tray on the table. The tray held two glasses filled to the half way point, one red and the other blue.

“Now where was I? Ah yes, humans. You’re greatest potential comes not from your imagination like that doctor seems to think, but from your choices. Yes, the free will every human being is born with to make whatever destiny they desire unlike those ponies and their ridiculous cutie marks. Why they limit themselves to such a degree I’ll never know. Speaking of choices, I’ve always wondered something about humans.” He slid the glasses together, somehow fusing them into a full glass of chocolate milk.

“What’s that?” The fear in me doubled when his eyes met mine.

“Don’t interrupt me.” I gulped in response. “If some amazingly handsome spirit were to rip the choices away from a human, how many would be created because of it and how would said dashing rogue even accomplish such an endeavor?” My eyes widened as he drank the glass. The milk just floated there in his hand. “And then it hit me.” Then, I suddenly had the feeling something bad was about to happen. “It’s a good thing you haven’t eaten or I’d have to wait an hour.”

“T-that doesn’t make any sense.” I was cursing my fat mouth as those words escaped. He simply grinned.

“What fun is there in making sense?” Then he chucked the milk at my face and I shut my eyes waiting for the impact. It never came. I cracked one eye open and nearly pissed myself. I’d been moved again.

“What the fuck, man.” I was somehow inside a giant bubble at the bottom of a lake. At least, I hoped it was a lake because I really couldn’t tell how deep I was. I stared up at the only source of light. “What could possibly go wrong now?” The bubble popped. Side note: Getting hit on all sides with water hurts. It hurts a whole lot.

I knew I didn’t have any time to waste so I tried my best to push off the lake bottom to jump start my ascent. It wasn’t fun, not at all. Everything hurt, I was running out of breath, and I couldn’t even tell if I was getting any closer to the surface. It was a battle I predictably lost. The last thing I remember before losing consciousness was a weird heat wrapping around my wrist and a buzzing sound.