The Conversion Bureau: Fight To The End
We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender. – Winston Churchill
“So concludes another journey for Ash Ketchum. What will wait him in the new area of Landos? Find out next time in a new episode of… Pokémon!” The OLED television clicked off. The lamp shone its glorious false sunlight down upon the child who sat disappointedly in front of the television. He frowned at the darkened screen; having watched the very last episode many times before. This left him wondering as to what may have happened if they had continued their journey to Landos. The creators ran out of ideas for the television series many years ago after generation eleven; their character creationists having exhausted their creative minds.
“Why didn’t Ash age past ten years old in fifty years, uncle?” Here I am sitting on the couch behind my eight year old nephew, David, watching the old kid’s show that should have died decades before it actually ended, but it sauntered on. I chuckled at my nephew’s question. It brought up old theories of what may have happened, but nobody knew. It could have been a coma, or perhaps magic? God knows that magic doesn’t exist. It’s all a bunch of cheap illusory tricks with smoke, mirrors, and sleight of hand.
“I don’t know Davy. There are plenty of theories, but they are too complicated for a young mind such as yours. They left it to your imagination back in those days.” I sighed and thought back to the 2000’s. Those times were much different than it was. Now in 2042; the world had pretty much gone to hell. A weird type of manmade bacteria made all wheat effectively plastic, inedible and non-biodegradable. That was a few years ago though; nothing to wander back to now.
“Maybe it was magic! Like, the Pokemon he was around loved him so much that they didn’t want him to change so they used their super powers to make him ten forever!” I laughed heartily at his theory. It may have been possible, who knows? I heard the familiar tire against gravel as a car pulled up and into the old driveway. Some chatter was to be heard after the sounds of car doors shutting echoed its way into my home. David picked up on the chatter rather quickly and rushed towards the door in excitement.
There were a few raps of knocking on the door, and my nephew quickly answered the door to reveal my brother, Lee. “Hey there buddy! Oh, hey Terry, how’s work going?” I smiled at my brother hugging his only son.
“Working at the radio station has been alright; I’m glad that I took some time off today to spend time with your son here. They told me that I would get to host my first show tomorrow. I guess working as a mass communications specialist for the Navy really did pay off for a better job, eh?” I cocked an eyebrow at my brother, who looked rather impressed himself. A look of shock and remembrance crossed his face.
“Speaking of radio, you might want to turn it on when I get out of here, Jenny is waiting for me back at the house and she is expecting me really soon so I got-“ I waved my hand at him.
“Nah man, it’s alright. Say hi to her for me, and bye Davy!” Lee and David waved goodbye and left my humble abode. Lee shut the door behind him, saving me the trouble of actually getting up and having to do work on my day off.
I thought about what Lee had said about turning on the radio. Was there some kind of song playing, or was there some kind of weird thing that those Soviet terrorists did? Perhaps some kind of jet crashed into the ocean again. Of course he had to leave me itching with curiosity. I heard the slam of the car door before my two visitors drove away. I’m glad I purchased a small house in the middle of nowhere, because hearing that everyday used to get on my nerves.
I pivoted my head around to view my old fm/am radio that sat on the coffee table gathering dust. I groaned as I bent forward to look closely at the face of the radio. It was a simple one really; all it had were two dials, volume and tune respectively, and a digital station displayer. I turned on the radio by clicking the off switch to the on position, and I was rewarded with the chatter of the Mexican Republic. I sighed and spun the dial around, which then landed on 97.9 FM. I sat back and then let my radio do the talking.
“-pink. The dome is pink, is that correct Mister Giovanni?” Huh, something about a pink dome involving the Secretary of Foreign Affairs.
“That is correct, and to answer your next few questions. There is indeed a spot of land just inside the dome, and we have indeed made contact with their civilization. In fact, I have with me here Princess Celestia from the Kingdom of Equestria.” I threw my head forward and let out a deep groan. Surely this has to be some kind of stunt by the onion.
I turned off the radio and turned on the television with a clap of my hands. My eyes flew open at what I saw before me. The Secretary of Foreign Affairs was shaking hands… Or hooves in the case of the big white pegacorn horse thing… It stood at the podium next to the Secretary and began to speak.
“Greetings people of The United States of America. I am Princess Celestia; Ruler of the Kingdom of Equestria. I wish to thank your kind leaders for their hospitality in accepting us here as not aliens, but ambassadors to open relations.” Celestia seemed to pause for a moment to look over the crowd. “We have taken notice of your plight on this world, and we wish to free you from said plight. We wish to accept the human population into our fair nation of Equestria with open arms. Our nation is beautiful and clean, plenty of open air and space for your people, and plenty of hospitality to go around for everyhuman here!”
The Secretary sniggered at her fault in speech, as did I. I press remained silent with only the lone flash from a camera to break the resolve. Secretary Giovanni motioned for the Princess to continue her speech. She smiled and nodded at him gracefully.
“There is but one problem regarding this solution.” Celestia’s face dropped to a grim expression for a moment, but quickly returned to the beaming smile. “We cannot accept humans into our land, but there is a solution!” She quickly halted the press’s cries of outrage. “Allow my student, Twilight Sparkle, to explain the solution to you.”
The Princess stepped down from the podium, allowing a much smaller, lavender unicorn to take her place. The mare was using some kind of glowing force to shuffle some papers on the podium. She looked over the press nervously before looking to Celestia, who gave her a nod.
“Hello uh… Humans. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I, along with the help of Ston Stanley, have developed the solution to the problem regarding transport into erm… Our fair country!” She paused for a moment and levitated a beaker full of a purple, viscous liquid onto the podium. “Because humans are unable to travel to our country due to them having no magic in their system, we have devised this potion to solve that! We highly suggest you take this potion, although it will transform your body and perhaps mentality… Into that of a pony. You will get to spend the rest of your lives in paradise!” Twilight beamed at the crowd of press, who soon burst into applause.
Twilight stepped off the podium, and her mentor stepped back up. “Stations that are dubbed ‘Conversion Bureaus’ are currently being set up all over the world to solve your problem! The process is near instantaneous, painless, and free! The homeless will have a place to live, and the foodless will have food to eat! Fear not my little humans, a new life awaits you!” Celestia spread out her wings as the press cheered louder. I just turned off the television with the clap of my hands and stumbled backwards into my couch.
“What the fuck was that, and why the fuck did this happen.”
Author's Note
Ston Stanley is a real person, and he is my friend.
The Conversion Bureau: Fight To The End
I did not think that these conversion bureaus would progress into a worldwide phenomenon; Even if Princess Celestia did state that there would be bureaus opening up all over the world. The speech that she made five years ago convinced a lot of people that she was doing good for the community. The politicians made this whole thing out to be a godsend and the press backed the politicians up on their claims, putting advertisements and speeches from the ponies on the many news networks on television and radio.
After Celestia made that speech; I found out about the cruise liner that had been destroyed, killing nearly 80,000 civilians on board. Yet somehow it was dismissed as an accident, not to say that the families who lost loved ones weren’t treated without remorse. It would be considered an insult if you were to just walk up to someone who lost their loved ones because of some alien and state “Oh sorry, it was an accident. Oh by the way, care for 26 ounces of grape juice that will turn you into a magical pony?” No, it would not be nice at all.
I decided to get out of bed instead of playing a monologue in my head. Unlike many of the people in this world, I had not lost my job to an A.I. They still wanted radio hosts instead of some weird robotic voice telling you the song titles, or interviewing an important person. Unluckily for me, I would be interviewing a pony today, and I had to be there by 9:45 A.M.
I managed to drag myself out of bed and keep myself awake long enough to make coffee. Oh how glorious coffee was nowadays. So expensive to buy, much like chocolate and other sweets. I’m perfectly content with my position as a radio host. Decent wage and decent hours, and you get to work with interesting people. Of course, thanks to the conversion bureaus, many of my colleagues were now ponies.
They seemed different. My colleague Rick, whose name is now Static Fuzz, was your average go-to guy for humor when you needed a laugh. He always found a way to make you laugh in the style that the late George Carlin used to make people laugh. Raunchy and vulgar humour was his game. After he got converted he has not been telling any raunchy jokes, he hasn’t even spoken a single swear for the last few months ever since he got converted. It’s rather unnerving to see one of your friends go from that, to a complacent pony.
The event unnerved a few of my friends as well, but with half the population of Chicago converted, there isn’t much you can do. Yet it seemed that some people had taken it the other way and wanted tot do something, thus the HLF was born. Now, I’m not going to be converted, but I don’t have a problem with others being converted themselves. To counter the Human Liberation Front, a similar group, the PER or Ponification for Earth’s Rebirth, was formed. As of now the PER has been knocking on doors all around Chicago and its districts as well as the majority of the world. I have a feeling that they would be doing much more soon.
So here I am. Five years after the bureaus were set up with 1/4th of the world converted already. The barrier is expanding, albeit slowly, and the job market is starting to slam into the ground for many. Yet I have a stable and decent job drinking a cup of the good brand of coffee with only two hours to spare before I have to leave for work. I kicked back in a recliner that I had set up in the corner of my humble man-cave, sighing in contentment. Life was alright for me at the moment, but then the phone decided that now would be a good time to ring.
“Why not. Just when I was about to relax I get a phone call…” I sighed in annoyance before answering the phone. “Y’hello?”
A cheery voice sounded from the phone. “Hi Terry! It’s Pencil Push- errr… Lee!” My face contorted into a look of confusion.
“Lee? Your voice sounds younger… You seem rather cheery today, any reason for that?” I leaned back into my recliner.
“Why wouldn’t I be cheery? I’m always happy to talk to my brother! To answer your question as to why I sound younger, it’s because we got converted today!”
I shot up straight and spoke in disbelief. “What do you mean WE?” No way. Not Davy.
“You know. We! The wife, David, and I! I can tell that you haven’t got converted. You sound rather grumpy today.”
Me? Grumpy? Well of bloody course Lee. “Let’s see. We talked about this, we talked about you not getting converted. You broke a damn promise, also you call me while I was trying to relax before I interview Princess Luna! Of course I’m grumpy!” I wiped the sweat off of my bow and continued. “We talked about this… I thought we agreed that you and Davy wouldn’t get converted…”
The phone was silent for a few moments before he started talking again. “Well golly Terry.” I gritted my teeth at that word. “It wasn’t just us. Mom and Dad got converted with us today as well.” My entire world came crashing to a halt. The entire family got converted, leaving me as the only human in the sea of ponies that was once my family. “I’m sorry Terry, I gotta go. The wife is calling!”
The phone line cut off with a beep. I set the phone down on the coffee table and leaned back into the recliner, massaging my face to relieve the stress I felt. Everybody around me was now becoming everypony. Changing, it didn’t seem right to me, but I could do naught about it. I had to sit back and watch as my loved ones and friends get converted. I still had Jim, my best friend who refused to get converted when offered, but not extreme enough to actually join the HLF.
In the time I spent sipping at my coffee and thinking an hour and a half has passed by. I glanced at the clock and nearly jumped when I saw that it was 8:30. I should be leaving by now, but I was only in my robes. I jumped at out of the recliner and quickly put on the suit I had bought the day before specifically for this interview. I had my black hair styled in the way they used to wear it one hundred years ago, because who doesn’t like the 1940s? I checked myself out in the mirror and found that I did look like someone who had just stepped out of the 1940s.
I jumped in my 2041 Cheverolet Super-Sonic and drove off to the radio station speeding at 115 miles per hour down the I-45. I glanced above and spotted a purple carriage being pulled by bat ponies. I assumed this carriage to be Luna’s because of the intricate designs. Traffic was not bad, but this was mostly because of the fact that the newly converted ponies could not drive.
I arrived at the radio station with ten minutes on the clock. The area was buzzing with excitement from humans and ponies alike, mostly ponies. They say that 75% of Chicago was now ponified, and I would not doubt those statistics. Fortunately, many of the New Yorkers don’t want to get ponified. Something about American pride. That leaves New York at 47% ponified. It is still a big thing considering that the bureaus have only been open for one year.
I got there in the nick of time as it seems, because my co-star, Rick, or Static Fuzz was just about to announce my coming. I heard it on the intercom as I entered the room.
“Here comes the star of the show Terry Underwood everybody, and everypony! Sorry for the delay there it appears that he was late! Boy is he looking spiffy this mornin’! All ready for the interview with Luna it seems?”
I sat down in my chair and pressed the talk button. “That I am Static. I’m happy to interview sucha n important ruler of a new nation! Especially one as beautiful as Luna.” Although I wasn’t too big on the conversion thing, I did not mind the native ponies as much.
“Speaking of Luna, here she is everypony!”
I turned to view the Princess, but there was not a Princess there. Only three armed men wearing gas masks.
“Uh… Terry? Are these some friends of yours?”
I stared at what they were wearing, and I quickly noticed the HLF patch on the side of their jackets. “Nobody I want to be affiliated with Static…” I found myself sweating profusely. “Nobody I want to be around at all.”
One of the men spoke up as he walked towards me. “Well get used to it Mr. Underwood, because you are going to tell the entire world a little something for us.” He shoved a paper in my hand that looked like a badly written manuscript. “Read that, we don’t want to be making threats here, so let’s just leave it at that.”
I straightened my tie and cleared my voice. I pressed the talk button and started speaking nervously, reading from the paper. “In regards to the rumors being denied that the PER have been performing tests with weaponized conversion potion; They are true. The PER have been testing weaponized potion in rural areas and we, the HLF, would like to inform the rest of the humans that are still out there to get away from the cities. Informants in the PER have informed us that they are planning to attack the following cities with weaponized potion. Saint Louis, San Francisco, Las Vegas, New York, and Miami. The least ponified cities in the United States. If you are hearing this, then please stay away from major cities and all ponies.”
I turned my head to confront the masked intruders, but they had disappeared. Leaving no trace other than an open door and the paper that I had just read. I wondered whether or not I should leave now, or risk getting attacked. I still had a show to do, and I promised to do it, but something just isn’t right about this. Something is not right at all.
Author's Note
Woop woop!
