Life, for most, isn't an adventure. It's filled with highs and lows, excitement and dulldroms, and pretty much 90% of it is unknown, but it's more of an experience for most.

Unfortunately, I'm the guy who got a portal in his kitchen. The big blue one with the words "portal" written in red on either side.

More unfortunately, I'm the idiot who stepped in.

Prancing Pony, Canterlot, 1/3/14

The Prancing Pony is your stereotypical bar of ill repute, common to all fictional settings, and New Jersey. There were the rough looking types, the ones who get roughed up, and a few mares and stallions available cheap enough for a sailor. The building itself was surprisingly nice, and the bar I sat at was made of a clean and well-polished Mahogany.

A bit out of character, at least for the setting, were the four photographs hanging on the wall behind the counter. There was one for each alicorn princess, denoting this establishment's owner as a royalist. Unfortunately I was physically incapable of running any further.

A nametag wearing earth stallion stepped up from behind the bar, and then he just kind of stared at me for a while.

I stared back at the stallion across the bar. He was a dull gray all over. Completely forgettable looks wise. I used to be like that, forgettable that is.

My body felt wrong. From head to toe, wrong. I was still in a bit of a daze from the run, and I felt like I was going to puke my guts out on the bar, but under all of that was a strange craving.

"Can I have a cranberry juice?" The barkeep blinked for the first time, but he visibly calmed down and nodded. If I had to guess, he was probably just comforted by a familiar request in a unfamiliar situation.

"A bit of an odd order, but I can fill it. Up for sharing your troubles?" He asked with a strange acceptance of the situation. I looked at him over the cheap metal and expensive mahogany bar, then his picture of the four Equestrian Princesses, and then back to him. He was as good of confidant as any.

"I'm being married off against my will to someone I haven't met yet." He raised a eyebrow at me, but not at what I said. There was a sort of mood people had plastered to their face based on what they are raising an eyebrow to, he was raising an eyebrow to the way I talked, the racist. I refused to say anypony when Equestria had mules, griffons, and minotaurs.

"A bit of a pickle you got yourself in. Any idea why the Princesses aren't stepping in? Last I heard it was illegal to do that kind of shit." The stallion asked with a gentle compassion that was tempered by not actually giving a fuck about what happened to me, but whose job it was to pretend he did. Still, it was sooo nice to hear a pony curse.

"It was their fucking idea. Apparently I'm someone's destined soul-mate, or some bullshit like that." The stallion's eyes went wide in confusion.

"Wait, you are that Alex?" He asked with a dawning realization. I nodded. I guess that this was public knowledge or something. I was a bit confused by my ability to run away in the first place, but then again Canterlotians put up with griffons and minotaurs.

Everything went a slightly reddish black.

Until I opened my eyes again. "Hey miss, are you okay?" The bartender inquired gently. I could feel bile and food stirring in my stomach. I shook my head no. "Miss, let me call the docs." I stopped him with a hand and shook my head no again. "Umm... I know this guy, ex doctor. Could he look at you?" Th-that wouldn't be too bad. I nodded. "okay sis, let me call him up." I felt my shoulders sag at 'sis.' Things hadn't been like this originally. I had a junk once. It was a nice junk. Not a ginormous one. It was a bit above average. There weren't many parts of me above average, as I've said before.

I was short, I had been plain, I used to be chubby, I still wasn't a genius (Thankfully, what Celestia did to me seemed to have knocked my weight down fifty or sixty pounds.), I wasn't a super artist. I was Alex, plain and simple. I had two middle names, that was cool I guess. Both began with E, so people just gave me one middle initial, which kind of eliminated the point of having two middle names, which is the fact my parents can't decide between two middle names, or at least make a compromise.

I used to be a brown head, but now I'm a redhead. Thankfully my hair is still short, but I'm beginning to think my body fits the pixie cut too well. I used to have a flat chest, now I have two average sized mounds. A lot has changed, but sadly my thighs remain fat.

The stallion came back with a bucket and a cranberry juice. I took the juice. He placed the bucket underneath my head as I took a long draw from my cup. It was the same as Earth cranberry juice, totally delicious. The stallion offered me a second glass. he was a unicorn, so it just hung there in the air. I was getting used to that still. It was weird seeing things float like a volunteer at a magic show, ya'know... No, I guess you wouldn't,

It was sort of like seeing everything you know getting thumbed at. It was a little sad too. You realize your old world had no real magic anymore, or that it never did.

I miss video games. It had been less than a day, and I was already going through video game withdrawal. I was so pathetic. At least my female body didn't take the fun out of them... unless it did and my wanting to play was just fond memories.

Damn gender flip left me with all these damn hormones, or was I just this... down? I don't know. I was just an idiot I guess, no, I'm pretty certain I'm an idiot. Female, or male I could be pretty stupid. Maybe that was my special talent, if I had one. Would a human in Equestria get a cutiemark? What does a stupidity cutiemark look like?

A dunce cap. I would get a dunce cap cutiemark. It would be large, so large no clothes could hide it. I would be the laughing stock of whatever town I wished to call home... Except I wouldn't get any say in what I called home, because I was getting married off to a griffon princess. I wonder if it would be Gilda. I'd read several stories of Gilda being a Griffonian Princess. It seemed a bit silly to me, surely a princess had a proper way of telling a pink floozy to fuck off and let her have some time alone with her friend without using the word 'dweeb'. Namely, calling her a pink floozy and telling her to fuck off so you could have some time with a friend you haven't seen for YEARS.

Whoever this princess was, she liked chicks more than guys. It is why I'm a chick now. How I became a chick is debatable, but apparently, they've been using a spell for generations that would provide the best suitor for the Griffonian princess secondus (or second in line for the throne princess for those who don't read enough fantasy, dweebs.). They got tired of using ponies, so they decided this century to use aliens instead, namely me. They claim that the whole me being female thing is part of fate and the passage over, but I think that they did it on purpose. I'm not sure why they wouldn't get a female to begin with, but I'm beginning to think it's because they had forgot to ask her preference first. Either way, it showed the whole "destined couple" thing to be pure bullshit, which made this a job for Pen and Teller.

I could use some good magic tricks right now. Good old, dishonest, earth magic. Something I knew was completely and truly fake, not unlike this honest unicorn magic, with it being real and all. I needed a magician, of the money stealing variety. Someone who would pick my pocket while pulling spare change out of my ear, perhaps my own change if he was really good. Someone to pocket my tens while making ones appear before my very eyes, A charlatan.

A bucket would do too. Oh wait, I had a bucket.

I felt my guts heave out and their contents splatter on the cheap vinyl floor, missing the bucket entirely. I have terrible aim by the way. Some of the contents were fish, some were hay (eaten before I carefully, clearly, and loudly explained to ponies that I couldn't eat any mother fucking hay.), and a few very special bits were...blood. Those weren't any good at all.

"Buck this miss, I'm calling the hospital!" And my only lifeline dashed into the other room, shit. Things went black before the stallion came back.

Author's Note

What do you think?