I awoke to the sound of a motherly voice chastising me. Which was weird because I was normally woken up by my father.

"Alex, I am very disappointed." I didn't bother opening my eyes. I knew Celestia was the speaker, and I knew my physical body resided in either a hospital or a castle. Hopefully the first possibility. I needed all the public exposure I could get. It was all part of the ingenious plan I was just now coming up with.

Step one) get the public's attention.

Step two)...

Yeah, it was a work in progress. I think Black Adder would have been proud. "Alex I know you're awake." I could feel a warm equine snout press against my side. I knew it was equine not because I'd ever been nuzzled by a horse, but because I was always pretty good with that context clues shit. It certainly wasn't what I imagined a beak felt like. Everything here had a beak or a snout, and only ponies would be nearby, of the snouted creatures.

See? Equine snout. Now, this equine snout was damp and fury, and whatever genius pony that it was attached to had decided to target my neck. Ya know, like a jerk.

"Aaaalex, I know you're awaaaake." The voice, that could only be Celestia, informed as there was a momentary lull in the nuzzling. This of course made Celestia being the nuzzler a certainty. See? Total jerk.

"Hoo away." I told her in no uncertain terms, but the nuzzling began again.

And continued.

And continued.

And-

"FINE, FUCK IT, I'M UP!" I screamed all at once hoping to at least give the Princess a jolt, but there was no such luck. All my new alto voice did was remind me that me body was short one John Thomas. It would have been a nice voice, for a girl.

"Alex, why did you run away?" She asked, perfectly calm, the bitch. I gave her a incredulous look, because I was incredulous Gorramit! After all they...

"I was transplanted into a magical land, R-63ed, and told to marry a total stranger." I reminded her, a bit loudly. She looked unfazed.

"So?" She asked.

"SO?!" I responded understandably. "I WAS KIDNAPPED, BODY RAPED, AND TOLD TO MARRY A TOTAL STRANGER." A reminded her again.

"Don't be so dramatic. We didn't kidnap or body rape you." Celestia chided. "You walked into the portal, and it was the journey here that changed your gender." Gorram dictator!

"If a girl walks into a taxi, and she is never heard from again, that doesn't make it not a kidnapping, and yes you did body rape me. I don't believe the whole 'the journey changed you' bull crap for a second." I told her.

"You're paranoid." She answered.

"You're full of crap." I countered.

"Keep addressing me like that, and I will let the guards show you what full of crap feels like in the most literal way possible." She warned me. I promptly shut up. See Celestia? I could be good. She smiled smugly, the cunt. "I can read your mind too Alex, and I'm interested to see just how much gender roles have created our insults. I imagine dick for you is cunt for us, and vice versa." Huh, that was interesting oh shit she could read my mind.

"From the look on your face, I'm assuming you took me seriously." Then she can't read minds? "Of course not!" Wait a minute...

Trollestia burst out into a painfully loud laugh. I ignored her, I ignored the déjà-vu, and I stormed out. I marched and marched and marched for all of two steps, right up to the spears. Then I marched right back into the hospital room.

"Funny how you managed to get out of bed and out the door before I could react." Celestia commented offhandedly. I didn't dignify her unstated question with a response. "Would a hug help your issues?" I was nodding before I could verbally object. Alicorn hugs just felt safe, ironically. I swear the bitch was using dark magic to influence the way I thought.

Celestia, true to her cold dictator heart, leaned in a whispered in my ear, "now, you are going to be very good for Rarity in a moment. You are going to look good all dressed up for your date, or you are going to go naked."

Fuck My Life.

Standing in high heel slippers in a strange castle is weird. Warm stone walls are weird. Boobs are weird, bras are weird, being a girl was most definetly weird. Everything was all off, and I'm pretty sure I count as a pegasister now. Could you be both a fan of my little pony, the fictional show, and hate the ponies in real life? Would it be like loving the role an actor plays, but hating the actor who played the role while sharing an apartment with said actor? Or would it be like... loving the movie about a guy, but hating the dude himself?

More likely the second thing, because I'm pretty sure the MLP voice actors were all rockin' peeps.

Did I just think the phrase, 'rockin' peeps?

I must be going crazy! Maybe I would snap and stab Rarity to death with her own fucking clothespins for making this dress fitting last a literal four hours? Don't judge me, I had a watch on. She had me standing here, for four fucking hours. You'd want to stab her to death with a clothespin too!

"Don't worry, darling. Just a few more adjustments. Your mammaries are much softer than I had predicted." I blushed brightly at the comment. Why the frack was Rarity sexually harassing me? "It reminds me of fitting a dress for Fluttershy. Poor dear's flanks were like damn pillows." Why was Rarity telling me all of this? Why couldn't I get that image out of my head?

"Ahh, at least you won't have any bed issues with your destined one." I blanched as I realized that rarity had a spell going on every inch of fabric I was wearing, and she could tell what shape ever piece of me was. I reconsidered stabbing her. She could probably choke me to death with my own... was this a blouse? How did a pony know how to make a blouse?!

Damn magic.

"Don't get so tense darling. It doesn't befit a fine young virgin such as yourself." Okay, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I knew for a fact that mare's would be embarrassed about being virgins in this dimension. She had just tried to insult me, or she was this dimension's gay guy who creeps out everyone, including other gay guys. Not the old creepy gay guys, but the young ones who are all sexually harrassy and talk weirdly and... holy shit Rarity was the creepy gay guy of the mane 6!

So either she was insulting me like a bitch, or molesting me in her imagination...

"Frack you and frack this, I don't have to take this." I stormed past the mare before she could gather her wits and kicked my slippers off before making a run for it, again, and again, there were guards with spears.

I felt tears streaming down my face now, finally swelling over the dam I had been building. I just couldn't build fast enough to keep ahead of the tears. Maybe I just had too many fucks to give again. I had run out at some point, back on Earth.

I smiled softly as I reminded myself of the good parts. I was still human. I was going to get servants, I was finally going to get laid. I might be as a girl, and I might technically raped, but sex was sex, or so I thought as a male. It had gotten to the point back then where I wouldn't mind which gender I could attract as long as someone wanted me, but I eventually realized I was bi anyway.

Thinking of it now, sex was starting to sound kind of scary. Not in that nervous, but ultimately just anxious manner, but in the fact that fucking a female griffon might be both painful and terminal. Those things had claws. There was the added hymen factor, and the possibility she'd hate me so much she'd just kill me on purpose, whoever this mystery princess was.

So many scary thoughts, so little time.

I ignored Rarity as she tried to comfort me. Ends up I was right about her being the creepy gay guy err .. girl of the mane 6. She was hitting on me while I was crying, total creep. Normally I'd be all for pity hugs and shit, even from creepers, but she was trying to belay stage fright instead of my actual cold heart breaking depression. It served to both make me sadder and angrier.

Eventually Rarity got a clue and just dragged me back to the freaking standing platform. She was thankfully quiet this time.

I sat "alone" in Rarity's little dressing room of doom. I ignored the bright colors, I ignored the watching guards, and I ignored Rarity obsessing over my new daily dress. I had to, or I'd be neck deep in a personal hell.

I miss my penis. I miss it so bad. It was a nice penis. I never got to use it, but there was always a chance of love in my future. Now, all I had to look forward to was getting legally raped by a griffon. The world is a crazy place, on any world, and in any dimension.

Hmm, I wonder which was worse in terms of fucked-upedness. The US was still a no marijuana zone, Equestria was forcing me to marry a stranger, the US kept gay marriage illegal in most states, Equestria had changed my gender, the US was being taken over by Young Earth Creationists... The US was more fucked up. Damn young earth creationists made being married off and raped look good. Heh, never thought I'd say that.

So, now that I was done pitying myself, how would I escape my evil imprisonment? My earlier plan was ditched when I realized that ponies believed in bullshit like true love, and would never accept the idea that Celestia had forced a gender change on me. My only hope was to escape to another nation, but the problem with that was a Snowden situation where it was go back or be trapped in some third world hellhole.

That wasn't an option at all, which left getting married off and raped. The worst part was that I kept thinking about all that "forced" porn, which was kind of hot, but here I was about to get raped and it really was not, hot. I mean, it's one thing to get off to lesbian BDSM porn, but a whole other thing to be under the whip, or soon to be under the whip anyway.

M-maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I mean, surely Celestia couldn't be that evil. Right? Maybe this griffon princess would sweep me off my feet and pamper me and... holy fuck I just thought that.

I'll admit I was a bi guy, and that really softened the whole transgender blow, but even so I'd never gone that far into that sort of romantic fantasy. Still... hugs were pretty awesome now, and I'd been a hug lover before. Maybe griffon wing hugs would compensate or balance out the fact that I was going to get raped. Heck, I'd settle for Stockholm syndrome now.

Except now the more I contemplated, the more a Snowden situation looked better. I'm pretty sure I'd avoid becoming a exotic sex slave if I was public enough.

Maybe-

"LET ME SEE THE FUCKING HUMAN!" A completely unfamiliar, but stunningly frightening voice screeched from down the hall. I immediately began reviewing who I'd pissed off so badly. "YOU'VE MADE ME LOOK LIKE A MAD MARE LONG ENOUGH!" Ohh holy shit Lyra!

"Sorry about that babe, some nut job is trying to mess up our special meeting." A scarily familiar voice whispered from behind me. I noticed immediately that both the guards and Rarity were gone. Ohh fuck no. "Now, how exactly do I get that dress off of you?" That voice whispered in a gruff but sultry manner. Red fucking alert, brain, give me a answer.

"Hey buddy, dinner and a movie first!" Thanks brain. I turned around and backed up before the griffon could catch up. She looked suitably confused. Afterall ponies and griffons had probably never heard of-

"Hey, wait a second. Those movies are like magic plays, right? Twilight put them on a list of things you might mention." Oh- "I could swing two tickets to Captain Equestria: Winter Warrior." -Shit. I stared at the griffon wide eyed in fear, but I could see that it was invoking some instinctual response in the griffon.

Brain, act cool or she'll tear us limb from limb, no pressure.

Dammit Jim, I'm a brain not a freezer!

Wrong kind of act cool brain.

"Mmm, I see you are checking these wings and talons out." Huh? "Are you sure you want to wait until after the movie? We've got the room all to ourselves right now."

"LET ME SEE THE FUCKING HUMAN!" The mare I assumed to be Lyra shouted angrily even closer to our location. Gilda glanced angrily in the direction of the voice. That voice chilled something deep inside me, deeper than Gilda's sultry voice touched. Gilda was interested, but mystery mare was obsessed.

I'd rather fuck a griffon than meet a human enthusiast. I swear Equestria had to be setting up these bad or bat shit insane choice scenarios on purpose. Obsessed mare or horny griffon was just a crazier trade off than could be plausible, ever.

"Were you being honest about the whole movie thing?" I asked earnestly. Possibly abusive Gilda beat obviously bonkers mares. The perturbed griffon nodded. "Can we get some burgers to eat?" Gilda's face lit up like a child on Christmas morning.

"What about, baconburgers?" BACON?! They... they had bacon? Maybe Gilda wouldn't be too bad? Gilda must have seen the eagerness in my eyes, or the drool in my slack mouth. "Baconburgers it is sweet thighs." Sweet thighs? The nerve of some griffons. To offer baconburgers while calling me fat.

Why did I care if she called me sweet thighs?

Arrgg, I knew some of this insecurity was related to my new damn body. I don't know if it was hormones or just the fact I changed genders, but something was fucking up my head. I didn't care how I looked before all of this.

Author's Note

Apparently, FiM Fic doesn't know what "mammaries" are. Who knew?

You'd think all the crotch boob clop would have taught it that word by now.

132 word increas.