Surprise! You're Engaged!

IT WAS A FEAST WORTHY OF GODS! Hamburgers with chili and bacon stacked as high as the eye could see, sodas and fine wine. Me and my queen lorded over the restaurant, and the peasants treated us as is proper!

1 hour earlier

I smiled at Gilda as we strutted through the evening air. My dress was a bit cool, but it... I was about to be happy about a dress. Ohh my god this dimension was... flared nicely as I walked, showing off shin and ankles to the griffon besides ... Something was seriously wrong, was this... me. Gilda kept coming out with funny jokes, that were more awkward than... hey! Those jokes were damn funny... most I'd heard, but Gilda pulled them off.

"Luna, please stop flipping switches in Alex's brain. It's not cool!" Luna pouted, but she got her hoof off the unlabbeled switch.

I felt relief flood through my system as the sudden mood swings stopped. With one hand I rested against Gilda, and with the other I made sure my skirt was down. Gilda gave me a concerned look, but I pointed towards the restaurant, now in sight. Smiling, she leaned over and... kissed my stomach? My midriff was covered, but she did it while I was watching.

"Gilda, what was that?" Gilda looked surprised at the question.

"You mean?" Gilda kissed my stomach again. I nodded. "I saw some griffons checking you out, and I needed to tell them to fuck off." Gilda said, as if that explained everything somehow.

"Why?" Gilda gave me a confused look, and then "ohh"ed with brilliant realization.

"Ahh, it's a griffon thing. It's not too intimate, but it's a clear sign to everyone nearby that I'm feeding you and you trust me enough to allow my beak near your guts." That... made a lot of sense. Wait-

"What does feeding me have to do with it?" Another confused look from Gilda.

"When one griffon feeds another, the supplier is... the driving force in the relationship?" Bullshit alarms went off in my head. Gilda didn't seem to be the type of griffon who used long words that way. That meant that dialogue was scripted, and such a action would carry a more personal meaning than that.

"Really?" I asked her, hoping to relay my suspicion. Gilda looked away ashamed.

"It also means I'm on top in public and ... between the sheets. Don't worry, it's not nearly as big of a deal as say, kissing your throat in public." Gilda admitted blushingly. I fought, and lost against, the urge to facepalm. "So, what's your favorite candy?" Gilda asked, obviously trying to change the subject. I gave her a roll of the eyes, but let the awkward topic die.

"I like really sour candies." I answered, giving a smile to reinforce my liking of sour candies, because I secretly loved sour candies.

"Ohh cool." Gilda responded nonchalantly, but her wing did a funny twitch that she was obviously trying to draw attention away from by checking out her own talons, or vice versa. Had she just signaled something? I'd guess I'd find out later.

I smiled as I whipped my I-phone out of a hidden pocket. I had stepped into the portal with a bunch of camping supplies. No Internet, but it still had guy me's porn saved on it. Y'know, I just realized that they could probably give me Internet with some quantum entanglement and cords. Celestia could send a few agents over, purchase a house, get it Internet, do some quantum entanglement shit, and get all the stuff from my home too! I... I admit it sounds selfish, but if I was going to have to marry to prevent a war, they could at least do that for me. Plus, Equestria would get computing, and train hackers, and I could covertly get revenge on China for hacking my computer back on Earth.

That's if I married into royalty. Hmm, I'd ask for my stuff now, and ask for the Internet at the last minute. I could ask right after the date, before any... no... I was not even considering hanky-panky. Not even if it got me Internet... I mean it... Maybe.

"Hey, whatcha thinking about?" Gilda asked. Obviously I couldn't tell her what I was thinking, bad things lay down that road, but I couldn't tell her nothing. So I asked her the first thing that popped into my head.

"What does wine taste like?" Well, what would you ask a member of royalty?

Gilda gave the nonsequitor question a customary confused look, but settled into a contemplative consideration.

"Most of them taste like rotten grapes, but a few of them taste kind of fruity." Gilda answered. Nothing I hadn't heard before. I looked up, the restaurant was right in front of us now. Gilda noticed it to, and inside we went.

It was a really upscale burger joint, that's all I can describe it as. It's like a five star restaurant that appealed to big carnivorous diplomats who had dalliances with fries. Griffons and minotaurs in suits and dresses loitered about the area. It was pretty swanky.

A griffon with a impossible mustache on his beak went wide eyed at the sight of us. A few seconds later, and a whirlwind of feathers, me and Gilda were seated. A waiter came over to our table, and Gilda pulled him in to whisper into his ear.

He fainted. Weird right? I know for a fact Gilda's breath wasn't that bad.

A few seconds later he was roused and sent back to the kitchen. There were several more "thumps," similar to the one the waiter made when he hit the floor. Was bad breath... I remembered Gilda's reaction to the idea of a chili bacon burger.

Ohh.

There were thousands of shouted, but excited, phone calls. Then the food started arriving, and arriving, and arriving.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWESOME! Bacon, burgers, and chili were EVERYWHERE! It was like a wet dream of spices, buns, and meats delivered from the kitchens of VALHALLA! The few pony guests fled the establishment as their limited meat tolerance was far exceeded by our debaucherous acts of consumption. Other guests eyed our food hungrily, I assume they did not order the same because Gilda declared this to be a food fit for only royalty. I glanced over to Gilda, to the other hungry guests, and then back to Gilda. She sighed in defeat, but rose up to speak.

"EAT UP EVERYFEATHER!" She bellowed in a truly tribal fashion, and at once the previously stuffy and well clothed griffons charged our table, desperate for a taste of the feast. I lost track of how many of the fancily small burgers I had eaten when griffons started shoving strange glasses filled with red and purple liquids into my hands. For some reason I kept thinking grapes.

Things started to get blurry. My head began to swim.

We ended up missing the movie.