Cadance pulled the doors open with a wide grin, stepping out into the hallway as the early morning sun poured through the windows. "Good morning you two! How was night watch? Any horrible fiends to report?"

"No ma'am," Azure replied politely. "It was a... safe night."

The princess raised an eyebrow. "Huh. That's a very specific word."

"It was indeed safe," Azure Agate reiterated. "Nothing dangerous occurred, and nothing potentially dangerous occurred, and the events that did occur, while interesting, have no bearing on the security of this nation or this castle or your bedroom or your person."

Glory Gem let out a long, low breath, her eyes shut. "As Azure is so eager to confirm, nothing that we are obligated to report happened. As you have probably gathered, what did happen was..." She considered for a moment. "...something that was interesting, but would be incredibly awkward to talk about while our superiors are present."

It was at this moment that the prince consort appeared beside his wife, his mane meticulously cleaned and combed. "I'm sorry, what's going on?"

"It will all be in my report, sir." Azure nodded to him. "If you'll excuse me, I need to clean my armor." He marched off, his eyes sternly and firmly forward.

"Princess?" Glory Gem flicked her head. "A word, if I may?"

Shining Armor stepped up beside his wife, giving the guardspony an odd look. "I'm not sure you have the authority to--"

"I am not addressing her as a member of the guard," Glory Gem explained smoothly. "This is... I believe the modern phrase is mare talk? I shan't take long."

Cadance smiled, shaking her head. "It's alright, Shining. Just another tip. Why don't you head to the dining hall, I'll join you for breakfast soon enough."

The prince hesitated, giving Glory Gem a long look. She met his suspicious gaze stoically, not moving a single feature on her face.

"...Alright." He began walking down the hall, but glanced over his shoulder. "Don't take too long though... I wouldn't want to have to face another changeling invasion."

Shaking her head and rolling her eyes, Cadance turned back to the gaurdspony. "I apologize. Ever since what happened at our wedding, he's been very... protective."

"Mmmm." Glory Gem nodded. "I suppose that he can get away with expressing a little femininity... but that is besides the point. Princess, what do you know about the conduct of lovers?"

"Conduct?" Cadance tilted her head. "As... far as I know, if two ponies agree to something in the privacy of their own home, there is no reason it should be stopped. Barring medical concerns, of course, but--"

"Privacy is a concern here, yes. The fact of the matter is that Azure and I could hear you and Prince Armor all last night.

"Oh." The alicorn licked her lips, eyes flicking ceiling-ward. "Hmm. Well, I apologize. I suppose we'll have to put up a silencing charm if it makes you uncomfortable--"

"A silencing charm would prevent us from hearing you in the event that something terrible went on in there." Glory Gem sighed. "Quite simply, princess, your conduct was crass and unbecoming of any civilized pony, much less a member of the royal bloodline."

"I... I'm sorry, what? What are you talking about?"

Glory Gem stared at the uncomprehending face of her princess for a moment or two, mentally reevaluating her intelligence. "...I would have assumed you, of all ponies, would understand.... Love, Princess, is the deepest and most binding of bonds in any form. Familial, romantic, platonic, it can and does control entire lives."

"Yes, of course." Cadance nodded. "I'm not going to deny that."

"Therefore," Glory Gem continued, "one has to be careful whom they love. If love is betrayed, or manipulated, it can be devastating."

"I..." The alicorn pulled her ears back. "...suppose I could see that line of reasoning..."

"Simply put, proclamations of love should remain between those who love each other," Glory Gem concluded. "Otherwise some outside force could take advantage of the relationship, as happened at your very wedding."

"Okay, first of all the changelings were a fluke led by a crack tactician," Cadance pointed out with a furrowed brow. "Secondly and more importantly, hiding love is a terrible idea! Love is meant to be shown, so ponies know that you have friends, that you have... that you're part of the group, that you can care!"

"Which leads to exploitation of that caring nature by cunning minds. You yourself just acknowledged the changeling queen as highly competent--"

"It is not healthy to suppress love or, or emotions or anything like that," Cadance flustered. "What I mean is, I express my love for my husband loudly because that is who I am. If you want to keep quiet during your own intimate encounters, that's your own business."

"I am not sure you are understanding what I'm telling you," Glory Gem growled. "The more open you make your relationship, the more likely it is to be exploited. And as our princess, exploitation of you would lead to exploitation of the Empire. Furthermore, as the princess, you are expected to keep a calm demeanor at all times--"

"What, even when I'm screwing Shiney sillier than sassafras stringcheese salad?"

Glory Gem flinched, a light flush visible on her skin. "Yes. Even then. Especially then. Do you know how many... questionable decisions were made by political leaders while they were mid coitus?"

Cadance paused. "...to be completely fair, the vast majority of those decisions were made while the ruler was literally on the throne. And a pony that is willing to publicly engage in inherently intimate acts is... somewhat self obsessed, if I might be frank, and not a good choice for a leader."

"Whether or not they were chosen to lead is irrelevant. It is their actions that matter, how they impacted their domains." Glory Gem took a breath, composing herself as she contemplated her coming statement with great caution and care. "Princess Cadance... While what happens within your bedroom should be your own business, as you suggest, the fact of the matter is that you set an example for all ponies in the Empire, and therefore should ensure that example is as... appropriate as it should be. If you constantly let out a stream of such frivolous and dismissive emotions, if you are always so eager for everything... how will the nation know when the situation is truly serious? It is better to smile and nod than to shout and scream."

"Are... are you comparing me to Pinkie Pie?"

Glory Gem shook her head. "No, your highness. In my opinion Pinkie Pie has fallen to utmost depravity and is beyond all hope of redemption."

That earned a snort from the princess of love. "She's also a national hero and a crack shot with a party cannon."

"I'm not saying that she is a bad pony, by any means. Only that she is utterly insane and, by a not at all strange coincidence, not a role model for foals, adults, or nations. You, however, are a role model for foals, adults, and nations. And should conduct yourself as such."

"I honestly never expected my sex life to become a matter of national security!" Cadance flared her wings, whirling about and storming a short distance off. "I mean... yes, I'm a princess, but... The bedroom is my own personal... I mean, why? What? What's even with this idea of quiet lovemaking? Am I just supposed to give this gentle smile and say 'Oh dearest Shining Armor, I have just climaxed' and... what? What is even... Why? How does... I can't... I can't even..." She turned back, flushed and frowning furiously. "No, I'm sorry Glory Gem, but this seems to be a completely unreasonable request. I can, again, offer to put a soundproofing spell up, but... you are asking the most ridiculous thing of me that I have ever heard and I don't even understand why!"

"Alright... let me see if I can explain by example." The guardspony slicked her ear. "In the olden days, crystal ponies would devote their whole being to their family. Marriage, the link between families, was therefore a most sacred and unassailable institution, and all the duties specifically assigned to marriage were not to be performed or mentioned outside of it."

"Okay, no sex before marriage, I... personally don't entirely agree with that, but I can respect the decision... Wait." Cadance held up a hoof. "No mention? So these newlywed couples would have no idea what they were doing when they got to bed?"

"Your highness, please don't leap to ridiculous conclusions." Glory Gem rolled her eyes. "The parents would lend their children their family's guidelines to proper sensuality during the wedding ceremony."

"I... Hold on, hold on. Guidelines to... what, an instruction booklet on sex?"

"They... tended to be more pamphlet sized. It made them easier to preserve, they were family heirlooms after all."

"Family..." Cadance took a breath. "So, crystal ponies... have pornography... as family heirlooms.

The guardspony tilted her head. "I... am unfamiliar with that term."

"Pornography? Oh. It's... images of ponies having sex, usually meant to stimulate sex."

"Ah. Well, no. There were no drawings, that would have been a violation of privacy."

"Oh, because of course that makes sense."

"And to be fair, the vast majority of them were rounded up and either burned or collected by King Sombra." Glory Gem shook her head. "He... didn't want us to be able to breed without proper sanctions."

"What."

"A tyrant, in every sense of the term."

Cadance stared at her, unblinking, for a long, long time.

"...But... then... okay, I KNOW there are newborn, post reemergence foals in this city. And there are too many of them to be just some couples blindly figuring out forgotten knowledge, so... what the hay is going on?!"

Glory Gem glanced aside for a moment.

"...It..." She sighed. "Your highness, if I may be honest... I don't think there's a crystal mare over twelve who is still a virgin."

"...what?"

"When Sombra reigned... Well, he was horrible to everypony, obviously, but he wasn't horrible to everypony equally. The lower tiers of society had it worse off, but their suffering was... consistent. They were punished for things that could be predicted, undestood." Glory Gem shook her head. "Of course, the closer one was to the king, the better their life was, but... there was also less consistency regarding what would constitute demotion or... execution. Still, back then, anything had to be better, we thought, and... well, Sombra did have a harem."

Cadance brought a hoof to her face. "So... you'd practice."

"Well, yes."

"That should not be why anybody has sex." Cadance shook her head, sitting on the ground heavily. "It's too intimate for... I mean... you have to trust, and a lot of that comes with love, and--"

"Oh, we did it out of love," Glory Gem reassured her. "If one of us, through our action, became skilled enough to be pushed to the top, out of the mines... Of course, with all the sensual guidelines burned, the parents had to demonstrate themselves."

"So, you had to watch your parents having sex."

"And they'd have to be quiet," the crystal mare added somberly. "If Sombra's guards found out, they could have been... well."

"This just keeps getting worse..."

"And that was assuming both parents were alive. If only one was around, they would have no choice but to teach their children personally--"

"STOP. Stop. Just stop. Stop stop stop, no, nononono." Cadance shook her head, standing up with a mildly green expression. "I did not need to know... I really didn't need to hear about how every female pony in my entire nation was forced into underground incest in the very faint hope that they would get to join their tyrant's harem. I did not need to know that, you did not need to elaborate on that... you know what? This only makes me want to express my love for Shining even louder, so that young fillies don't get silly ideas and start practicing with their buddies and getting themselves knocked up!"

"Princess Cadance, I think you're missing the point. We need a return to our former glory, and we can't have that if our princess decides to set a wild example--"

"Fine! Fine. You know what, fine, I won't have sex with Shiny in public, but I'm not going to promise I won't scream his name in private because that's just how I roll and really? This whole empire needs to know what actual, love-filled sex SOUNDS LIKE if their only comparison is desperate harem practice incest!"

Cadance huffed and panted, her face a festive mixture of raging red and sickened green. "Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go find something to eat that isn't the probably very rich breakfast my adoring palace staff cooked up this morning because I will probably vomit it all up, and then I need to go get my husband and hammer out the new sex ed plan. You are relieved of duty for the day, Glory Gem." She snapped around and started off, a faint wobble in her gait as she rounded the corner, leaving the guardspony staring after her in consternation.

"...Well." Glory Gem shook her head. "I... suppose that could have gone much better..."

Author's Note

See, this is why I didn't want to continue this story. Because I knew I had to go to some very dark places.

Hopefully this is as dark as it will go.

No promises.