There Are "Air Quotes" Around the Word "Twister".
Celestia hates tea!
There, did I get your attention? Good. It’s hard to get noticed when your arms are leaves. Ponies see leaves waving, and they just think it’s the wind.
I’m a petunia. My name is Maxwell. Yes, I have a name. Yes, I can talk. Yes, the whole thing has been rather surreal.
It all started 290 years ago. I was a gift from a dragon to the Delegation of the Crystal Empire Diaspora League, and Cadance--eventually ending up with me in her possession--regifted me at a Hearth Warming Eve party fifteen years after that. Those were the balmy halcyon days when Celestia got gifts that weren't tea. I wound up in storage at the back of the Canterlot Historical Archives building for the next seventy years, somehow surviving off of Cadance's latant love of gardening or something, until I was rediscovered following the Great Fire of 2934. Next thing I know, I’m sitting on the nightstand of a demigoddess. Talk about moving up in life.
You’re probably wondering how I’m talking. It’s basically a proximity-to-royalty kind of thing. Celestia's alicorn magic wears off on her surroundings with some interesting effects. Her bedroom walls have eyes, her money talks, and the corn she eats is all ears. And of course, I’m a sentient petunia.
Magic and Toponymy in Equestria often seem to involve mediocre puns
That may sound like a pretty swell deal, but really, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Most the time she’s very much NOT in her bedroom, which means I’m stuck with a host of unsavory characters. Her stuffed Gila monster plushie for example, is always gushing about the big scandalous twist on whatever last night’s soap was. And the dumbwaiter won’t stop bringing up juicy gossip about all the sycophantic nobles that swirl about this place. Don’t even get me started on the bed sheets. Always digging up dirty laundry. Lousy company, the lot of them. The only sane mare of the bunch is the clock, and she just does Sudoku puzzles all day.
Inasmuch, I’m forced to find alternative forms of entertainment. I've practically memorized Celestia’s bookshelf. Subjugation of Hostile Foreign Powers for Dummies is probably my favorite, though He Came to Me at Midnight Castle really opens up my respiratory pores. That one’s pretty worn and dog-eared; one can only wonder why. And of course, her diary is always a great read; not to mention it’s the only story that updates on a regular schedule.
Oh and friendship reports. Can’t forget those. She hasn't gotten so many letters from a student since back when she and that Sunset Shimmer character were having an epistolary argument over when (if ever) it’s okay to use dark magic to possess other ponies. Celestia must have won, because I haven’t seen the other mare since.
Now, I want you to know that Celestia’s pretty awesome. Don’t let me make you think otherwise. Goddess (that’s her) knows I couldn’t handle that kind of power. It’d go straight to my flowerhead. Plus, I don’t think anyone would listen to a talking petunia, much less carry out its wishes (death to the dandelions!).
Invasive species, or pure distilled evil? Either way, they've got to go.
But while Celestia is pretty chill, she can still get a bit grating sometimes. The chillness is part of the problem. She’s got this poker face calmer than a rock, and she asks all these weird ambiguous questions, so you never knows what she’s thinking. And really, that little smile she puts on when she knows she has you verbally cornered is so annoying. It’s probably the most annoying smirk of any of the royals. Even Blueblood’s "smolder" look isn't as obnoxious.
She tries to put on this air of tranquility, but you know the poor filly’s trying to run a nation mostly by herself (Yeah, Luna helps, but she’s still in the "give-her-something-to-do-like-hunt-OwlBears-so-she-stays-out-of-trouble" stage of her acclimation to modern times.), and sometimes it shows. Like, just last week, I was taking a nap, when suddenly she bursts in talking loudly to herself about baby showers and Skyla this and that. You know when she talks to herself that it’s bad. She even started talking to me! She was all "Oh Maxwell, what ever do I get a princess of love that she doesn’t already have?" Personally, if it were me I'd get her a piano. I guess that’s a pretty mundane example. I dunno. I’m sure I could think of more stuff if I really tried.
Oh yeah, as long as I’m roasting the mare who waters me, let it be known that she uses a LOT of makeup too. Everypony thinks she’s got this flawless (off)white coat, but the truth is, she has a constant cycle of blackheads popping up. Of course, she refers to them as "sunspots", and somehow thinks it’s clever. Is that clever? I don’t know. After weathering hundreds of years of her wit, I've kind of grown impervious to it.
Sunspots
NOT sunspots
Technically, I’m legally blind. Did you know that? You would be too if you spent hours every night staring at the sun. It’s not like I can avoid it; she literally sleeps a trot away from me. I have to wear prescription sunglasses to protect the eyesight I still do have. No, I don’t just wear them because I’m blind. Not ALL blind creatures wear sunglasses. I wish I didn't have to. Do you have any idea how silly flowers look with sunglasses? We look like this:
Yeah, pretty dorky, right?
Generally, I live a pretty peaceful life. Canterlot’s basically in the center of Equestria, so it doesn't get invaded too much. Well, Saturdays can be pretty iffy. I guess during the week villains are earning their bits at their day jobs (As I understand it, villains, actors, musicians, and liberal arts majors make up the majority of the Equestrian Waiters and Buscolts Union.). And even when Equestria is invaded, Celestia, unlike Luna (the big wuss), usually isn't holed up in her bedroom. None of this, however, is to say that no action happens in the bedroom.
I get it. I understand she’s a grown mare. I should be neither shocked nor offended that every so often (especially in Spring it seems) she invites stallions (and sometimes mares [and occasionally both!]) into her bedroom. If you haven’t gotten your cutie mark yet, just know that they’re playing Twister and that I feel a bit out of place. If you have reached that point in life, you probably know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, ask your parents. Or ask Princess Celestia. Goddess knows ponies have asked her weirder stuff. No, I’m generally not privy to the specifics. I sit on her nightstand, not on her throne.
Pictured: What really happens in Celestia’s bedroom.
Celestia also has a lot of pillow fights with her sister. For all the pomp and circumstance she puts on for her little citizens, she really is a little filly at heart. I've had my pot broken seven times just in the four years Luna’s been back.
I suppose I promised quite a story with that lede didn’t I? Well the truth is, she doesn’t exactly hate tea. But if you drank it as much as she does, you’d be jaded too. Ponies see tea as the standard failsafe gift for her. Oh how she wishes they would give that title to dark chocolate. At least she’s been able to clue in her subjects that perhaps they should consider something more exotic than Earl Grey. Regardless of flavor, she has a lot of tea. In the last few decades she’s taken to building miniature dioramas out of extra boxes in the castle basement. I worry about her sometimes.
This is not a good gift for your Sun Princess. Be more creative!
Speak of the Tirek (is it uncouth to say that now?), it appears she has returned from her meeting with the griffon ambassador. Relations between our countries are still a bit tense. And wouldn’t you know it, she’s carrying tea in her aurora. I think she’s going to set it down on the nightstand next to--no that’s not next to me! No, Celestia, don’t do it!
Aaaaand, she just dumped it out on me. Hazelnut Chai. Bleh.
Princess Celestia doesn’t really hate tea. But I do.
Author's Note
Poor Leroy doesn't fare much better.
