MANN vs Caribou

Several miles outside of Teufort

The night was very dark in the badlands, for some reason darker than usual to the locals. The nearest town for miles was Teufort, leaving the desert landscape with little light. Most folks would find driving at this time scary, even downright dangerous if you lack a light source of some kind. There was only one car on the road this particular night, a 1972 Chevy Chevelle- Miss Pauling's car.

"Soldier, please put the bread away. You're getting crumbs all over the place." scolded Miss Pauling.

"Sorry Miss Pauling, but I am not putting this bread anywhere without the teleporter." countered Soldier.

"Soldier, unless we can find the Engineer or at least someone that knows where he is, there will be no teleporting of bread."

"Damn it."

"It's so strange..." Miss Pauling's expression morphed into deep thought as she drove in the night. " First Engi and Medic vanish without a trace and now Pyro and Demo run off with some guy on a bike somewhere."

"So you think he has something to do with everyone going missing?"

"If he is, then he is obviously going for Spy and Scout next."

"Miss Pauling, why do the people of Teufort hate us again?" inquired Soldier.

"You blew up a Mall Santa training facility, you're responsible for 3 counts of grand theft auto, multiple counts of homicide, several attempted homicides, shaving a child's head then beating his father. You guys also blew up several civilian buildings, harassed the elderly and started several brawls just to name a few."

"First of all, I was framed. Second, if any of that is true, then why is it not in the article or wanted poster?"

"Because the mayor wants to cover his mistakes and we burned each of your rap sheets. Also that mill you have been fighting over has been leaking chemicals into the ground water for a generation. This is an entire town of lead poisoned idiots. That's why we gave you guys bottled water."

"Bottled what now?"

*THOOM*

Soldier and Pauling looked to the source of a distant sound down the road. The vehicle's engine let out a strange metallic sound and abruptly stopped. The occupants nearly flew out the windshield if not for their seat belts. Miss Pauling tried to start the car, but the engine kept stalling. A violet light shone in the distance, gradually growing as the light intensified. Soldier pulled out a shotgun and took aim. The ground began to shake and the car was dragged roughly towards the light source. All of the car's contents began to float, from crumbs, papers, spare change and Soldier's bucket.

"No!" cried Soldier. He unbuckled his seatbelt and reached out for the bucket.

"Soldier, what the hell are you doing!?" shrieked Miss Pauling.

"That is my wish bucket! If my dying wish is to not die, then we'll be okay!"  Miss Pauling looked at him incredulously.

"That doesn't-"

~Make a wish~

The vehicle was suddenly thrusted forward with a blinding flash and muffled screams of a woman and a little girl.

Miss Pauling's head was spinning as she tried to get her bearings. Everything looked blurred and there was the slight scent of waffles. She tried to rub her sore head, but her hand could barely move. She tried moving her arms, but they seemed to be pressed against her back. Something was very wrong. Her vision started to clear as she looked around frantically and struggled.

"You might want to calm down."

Miss Pauling paused and focused on the direction the voice came from. It as masculine, she was certain. The voice was devoid of any emotion, almost indifferent. She took in her surroundings. She was trapped to a metallic chair beside a metallic table. the room was dim so she couldn't get a good look at her 'host'. All she could see was his piercing red-orange eyes staring at her from across the table.

"Where am I?" she demanded.

"You are in my home."

"Why did you bring me here? Why does it smell like waffles and what did you do to Soldier?"

"To answer your last question, I just sat him on the couch and turned on the TV."

~-~-~-~~-~-~-~~-~-~-~~-~-~-~

At The TV

'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?'

"WHERE IS THE REMOTE!?"

~-~-~-~~-~-~-~~-~-~-~~-~-~-~

"As for the smell, we are close to a restaurant. And as for why you are here, that was an accident."

"What do you mean, an accident?" inquired Miss Pauling as she attempted to wiggle her slender wrists out of the rope.

"You see, I needed to round up your boys for an assignment. They got the right stuff and I am going to have to keep them for a while. You were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Now I am going to have to send you somewhere until this is all sorted out."

"Look, I have no idea what it is you are planning and I honestly couldn't care less. I need them for an important assignment more dire than yours."

"Is that so? Then what pray tell is this 'dire' job?" mocked the figure.

"That is classified." Her wrist was starting to hurt, but she was almost out.

"You have no idea do you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean you have no idea what the job is or where your boss is, and you're just following orders from a letter to pick up a bunch of mercs and then what?" the figure said bluntly. Miss Pauling was a bit nervous now.

"Wha- how did you know that?"

"I read your mind while you were unconscious. Why do you girls 'experiment' in college by the way?"

"THAT is none of your business!" Miss Pauling shouted while blushing heavily.

"I suppose not, but still I have to say you have an interesting job, I would ask for your assistance as well. Then again you are very clever and only want to get your mercs out of here, so... I'm going to have to wipe some of your memories."

"No you won't" she said very seriously.

"Who's gonna stop me toots?" the figure smirked.

The figure had always been one to expect the unexpected. Assassins, vampires, zombies, robots, and even sharks with laser beams attached to their heads were among the many things he could have ever expected. Miss Pauling freeing leaping from her seat and delivering a powerful roundhouse kick to the face, without actually saying "Roundhouse"?

Not expected.

GRAY MANN CO.- 1972

"You want to run that by me again?" growled Gray.

"*BEEPBOOP* The MANN CO. factory was attacked and ransacked last night and several of our crates have been stolen. *BOPBEEPBOOP* We would advise to delay the secret search for the missing australium and the hunt for the Administrator."

"You know damn well that nothing will stop me from ending that despicable hag and taking back the only element that has been keeping me alive all these years! What was stolen anyway?"

"Multiple weapons and ammunition, a tank, 3 bombs, scrap metal, extra parts, blueprints,-"

"WHAT! Why the hell didn't you mention that first!? What were the blueprints of!?"

"They were designs for each of us. *BEEB*"

"Damn it all! Is that everything?"

"*BEEPBOOP* Negative, many hats were also stolen."

"...Hats?"

"Affirmative."

"..."

Youtube Video

SMACK!

"OW!"

"Wake up!"

The figure's head was throbbing as he tried to gain his bearings. He found himself strapped to the chair his 'guest' had been occupying. Miss Pauling sat at the table next to him with an unamused expression, waiting for him to fully awaken. Once he did he noticed something different.

"Where is my medallion?" he asked in a clam yet wavering voice.

"Right there." She pointed the other side of the room, to the floor.

The young man took a deep breath and slowly exhaled before speaking. "I guess the tables have been turned, eh?"

"No, everything is in it's proper place. I just moved you."

"It was a rhetorical question." he deadpanned.

"I don't believe I cared either way. Now why don't you start explaining yourself, tell me were the others are and the way out?"

"What if I don't feel like it?"

Miss Pauling became frustrated and slapped a bottle onto the metal table, startling the man as she did so.

"Then...we are going to have to do this my way."

He looked at the red bottle with a skull and cross bones in bewilderment. "Where did you hide th-ACK!" He couldn't finish his sentence as Miss Pauling grabbed his tongue and pulled it towards the table. She then grabbed the bottle with the other hand and placed the tip directly over his tongue. A drop was dangling from the opening. Only now could he see the label "El Pene de Diablo". (The Dick of Satan)

He felt terror take hold of him as he tried to retract his tongue. He might have been seeing things, but that little drop looked maniacal and even spoke!?

He he he he he he. By all the powers of naughtiness, I command that this particular drop of hot sauce to be really, really HOT!~

To Be Continued...