A Completely Random Tour

“Guys, I just had the best idea!” Dissonance cried out, his face filled with glee. “Guess what it is?”

“Guess who doesn’t care,” Riddle muttered. “Mental, check.” The sphinx moved a knight forward, putting the former psychiatrist in a dangerous situation.

“Ah, come on. Why would you not like to hear it?”

“Because your idea probably has something to do with backgammon. I’m not playing. Riddle, your move.”

Dissonance gave the psychiatrist a dirty look. “This idea has nothing to do with backgammon. If you would listen, you would hear my brilliant idea.”

Riddle shrugged. “For what it’s worth, many of your ideas turn out to be failures. I don’t think I want to try this one.”

“I agree with Riddle. Your last idea was to try teaching the tarantulas to bake. I still don’t have the taste of burnt cider out of my mouth. How did you get them to burn cider?” Mental grimaced at the memory. “That was the worst batch of food you have ever made. Why would we trust your newest idea?”

“Because it would get the tarantulas to leave the temple for a while.”

Riddle’s eyes widened. “What is it? If there are no tarantulas in the temple, I’m game for whatever crazy scheme you’ve cooked up.”

“Riddle, why do you want the tarantulas out?” Mental asked. “Okay, I understand why, but what is going to convince them to leave? They enjoy performing for us.”

“Oh, I thought they could go on a tour of Equestria. You know, perform for thousands of ponies in different cities.”

Mental gave his friend a piercing stare. “Why do I feel that you’re not telling me something?”

“I don’t tell you a lot of things. I never told you I have a pet timberwolf.” Mental’s eyes widened at this statement, but Dissonance chose to continue. “I sleep with a night light.”

Mental thought about that a moment before replying. “How do we get electricity?”

“I don’t know. We don’t get bills for it, so I have no idea whatsoever.”

Mental’s eye widened. “Wait… Is that what you’re using my giant hamster wheel for? I said it was for exercise, not for generating power.”

“Oh. Should I get that orthros out of it?”

“For how long have you had an orthros?!” Riddle shrieked.

“Since the Rainbow Falls trader exchange. I had no use for that bird call anyway.”

“You traded my bird call?” The sphinx’s eyes were darting around, as if she expected to see giant two headed dogs around every corner. “You know I don’t like dogs. Why would you get an orthros?”

Dissonance scratched his head. “Well, that pegasus said that he was really friendly. I know that you don’t like dogs, so I traded the bird call to get you the orthros so that you would see how awesome dogs could be.”

“Why do you think an orthros would help me like dogs!?”

“I don’t know. But you seem to like mythical creatures such as sphinxes.”

Mental grimaced. “Dissonance, Riddle is a sphinx. Sphinxes are not mythical. She likes sphinxes because she is one.”

“Oh. Anyway, can we get the tarantulas to leave the temple?”

“Sure, but you owe me a new whistle.”

Mental shrugged. “If you two are in, I’m in.”

“Hhhraug.” Dissonance grimaced. The tarantulas were being feisty.

“Yes. We suggest you go on tour of Equestria.”

“Hhrauga?” The lead tarantula asked quizzically. It tapped one of its hairy legs on a mini table that Riddle had built in her spare time.

Riddle placed one of her claws on her face. “Why do I have creepy crawlies that do ballet for roommates?”

“Hrruage,” the lead tarantula said angrily.

“Riddle, you know that they do tap-dancing, not ballet,” Mental pointed out.

“Hhruagga.” The lead tarantula nodded sagely at Mental’s remark. “Hhruage. Hrage.” The tarantula smirked at Dissonance after the last remark.

Dissonance stuck his tongue out at the tarantula. “Just because you have hair on your chin and I don’t doesn’t mean that you are superior to me.” The Draconequus had always had a sore spot about the fact that he had zero hair on his chin, while other Draconequuses… Er, Draconquses… (Maybe Draconequi?) like Discord had little goatees.

The tarantula’s smirk only increased in size. “Hraugga.” Dissonance looked offended at the remark and gave the tarantula the evil eye, which was saying a lot, as when a Draconequus gives you the evil eye… He can give you a large variety of evil eyes. The tarantula’s smirk turned into a grimace, and it stepped down from the stand. A new tarantula climbed to the top and took over negotiations.

Dissonance grinned, pulling his massive eye back into his head. “So, now that you’re in charge, let’s continue.”

The tarantula nodded. “Hruager.” Mental slapped his forehead multiple times in frustration.

“For the last time, you are not getting maternity leave. Tarantulas do not get maternity leave. They lay egg sacks, and then die after laying them. You do no such thing.”

The tarantula blew a raspberry at Mental with its mandibles and ended up getting its mouth stuck open. It attempted to free it and eventually got them unstuck. “Hurageded,” it muttered feebly. One of its fellow tarantulas gave it a pat on the back to cheer it up. The tarantula looked revived and began negotiations again. “Hraraged.”

Riddle sighed. “Fine, we’ll hire you a road crew and cover their wages. Who would you hire anyway?”

The tarantula shrugged. “Huahte hareuage hageared?”

Riddle screeched. “How would you know!? You ask us to hire a road crew and you don’t know who to hire!?”

The tarantula nodded, as if it was glad Riddle got the gist. “Huaraed.”

Riddle groaned feebly. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be playing chess in a corner… with a creepy crawly that does ballet.” The sphinx crawled off and grabbed a tarantula. The pair started playing a heated game of chess.

Mental gazed first at Dissonance, then the negotiating tarantula, and then at Riddle. “Um, Dissonance, do you mind if I go play chess with Riddle and the tarantula?”

Dissonance and the tarantula stared at each other, and then at Mental. “Sure.”

“Huaraed.” Mental nodded and grabbed another tarantula as he walked away to play with him. The tarantula turned back to Dissonance. “Haread.”

Dissonance clapped his paws. “So you’ll go on tour of Equestria. How wonderful.”

The tarantula nodded. “Heraeadaed.”

Dissonance turned to his friends. “Guys, they agreed to go on tour of Equestria.”

Riddle and Mental jumped for joy. “Huzzah!”

Dissonance continued as if they hadn’t said anything. “And we’re going on tour with them.”

Mental and Riddle looked at one another with pure horror in their eyes. What didn’t help was the fact that when they looked at their chess boards, they were in checkmate.