A Completely Random Tour

“So, why do you want to go on this tour?” The question was directed to a pair of sandy unicorns with flamboyant red hair. Mental tried to avoid being distracted while he questioned the pair, despite the fact that Dissonance was using his magic to make a set of mini stages with tiny tarantulas parading on it. “Dissonance, be quiet. I’m trying to see what they want.” Dissonance gave the former psychiatrist a hurt look, and replaced the stage with a doll of Mental that kept opening its mouth again and again. “Hm, very funny. Anyway, Flamflim, why do you want to audition?”

The pair of unicorns looked a bit hurt. “We’re actually the Flimflam brothers. We’re the world famous Flimflam brothers, nonpareil. I suppose by now you’re wondering…” The pair started to begin singing before Mental interrupted them.

“No. You are not here to try out for singing parts, although with that key, you’d fit right in with the tarantulas.”

Flim and Flam looked pleased until they saw the look on Mental’s face. “Um, we want to go on tour so that we can sell our merchandise.”

Mental nodded, using his pen to mark the form. Flim and Flam looked at each other nervously. Was he accepting them, or was he denying them? “Please continue. What merchandise would you sell?”

Flim started off. “We would like to sell tarantula themed merchandise. Portable egg sacs.”

“Never lose your young fillies ever again. Keep your loved ones close with the Flimflam brothers’ carry-on-your-back egg sac.”

Mental nodded and made another mark on the sheet of paper. “Go on.”

“We would also to sell stuffed tarantulas.”

“Give the kids something hairy and creepy. They won’t bother you again.”

Mental nodded and made a final mark on the sheet. “I’m afraid that I have to deny your request.” Flim and Flam walked out dejectedly. After they had left, Dissonance turned to his friend.

“What did you write on that form?” Mental showed it to the Draconequus. “Very funny Mental, very funny.” On the sheet there was a picture of Flim and Flam as bobble heads. “Are you sure it isn’t you who needs a psychiatrist?”

Mental shrugged. “Who cares? Riddle, do you want take the next interview? We have far too many to work through.” Riddle nodded, and Mental called to the tarantulas in the next room. “Send the next pony in!”

“So, Twinkleshine?” The unicorn on stage nodded. “Why do you want to go on this trip?”

“I’d like to go on this tour so that I could work as a backup singer. I heard you needed a road crew.”

The sphinx nodded and made a mark on her clipboard. “What experience do you have as a backup of any form?”

The unicorn scratched her head. “Well, I was a bridesmaid for a royal wedding.”

“Okay, how did it go?”

“I got brainwashed by the Changeling Queen and was defeated by the real bride. Does that help?”

Riddle’s eyes widened and she placed her clipboard on her desk. “Request denied. Next!”

“So, Soarin. You’re a Wonderbolt. Why would you want to go on tour with us?”

“I’ll take a large hay fries. Wait, what did you say?” Soarin’s eye widened, and he took a step back.

Dissonance sighed. “I said that we’re going on tour. Why are you volunteering for a part of the road crew?”

“Wait, what tour? I thought this was a restaurant.”

“The fact that this is an ancient temple, the employees are tarantulas and the person supposed to take your order is a Draconequus didn’t tip you off?” Soarin shook his head. Dissonance sighed. “Fine.” The Draconequus snapped his fingers and handed the Wonderbolt a plate of hay fries. “Next!”

Riddle tapped her friend on the shoulder. “I’ll take a large soda.”

“So, Iron Will, why do you want to volunteer?” Mental asked.

“Iron Will need money. Iron Will lost mojo. Iron Will wants to go on tour with goats and tarantulas.”

“Who here is a goat?”

“Iron Will’s helpers are goats. He bring them.”

Mental nodded. “Okay, you’re hired.”

“Iron Will understand you turning him down- Wait, Iron Will is hired?”

Mental nodded. “Yes. You fit our criteria.”

Dissonance gave Mental a strange look. “What are our criteria?”

Mental shrugged. “I’m making this up as I go. Cut me some slack.” Dissonance nodded. “Next!”

“So, Diamond Tiara, why are you auditioning?” Dissonance tapped his paw on the table as the filly in front of him shuffled nervously.

“Daddy said that I had to find a project this summer. Working for you sounded fun. I needed to work somewhere where I could tease my bosses so that they would feel insecure. You seemed as good as any.”

Dissonance shook his head. “Sorry, but you’re too young. Twilight cleaned out all my laws with loopholes, so you can’t work for me.” The Draconequus pulled a lever and a trapdoor opened beneath the filly.

“Whyyyyyyyyy!?”

Dissonance shrugged. “I suppose Mental’s trapdoor did come in handy. Next!”

“Suri Polomare. Former dress designer, cheater, and downright jerk. Why did you write this on your resume?” Riddle asked.

The pony grinned sheepishly. “I didn’t know what to put on it.  I wrote it in one angry fit after my assistant quit and she called me all of those things. I didn’t know what else to write.”

Riddle nodded. “Hm. What experience do you have with hairy tarantulas?”

“None.”

“What experience do you have with fashion designing?”

“Lots.”

“How do you design dressed?”

“Steal ideas from the competition.”

“Great, you’re hired.” The sphinx shook her claw with the pony’s hoof. “Look forward to working with you.”

Dissonance tapped her on the shoulder. “Why did you hire her?”

“I don’t know,” the sphinx whispered back. “I didn’t know who else we would deal with. I figured she was better than some of the options. Deal with it. Next!”

“I assume you’re lost?” Mental asked politely.

The pony on stage shook his head. “No. I was ridin’ in a horse-drawn carriage and they said this was my stop.”

“And what exactly is your stop?”

“Ponyville.”

“Yeah, we’re in the middle of the Everfree Forest. Get your drivers to learn how to read a map.”

Braeburn grinned. “Partner, you seem a bit grumpy. Besides, this isn’t the Everfree, it’s part of Ponyville.”

Dissonance popped up behind the pony. “Not until season six. Next!”

“Why am I here? I was supposed to be… I don’t actually know where I was supposed to be.” The green mare on stage grinned a little sheepishly.

Dissonance nodded. “Yeah, I summoned you here to audition.”

“I never said I was auditioning.”

“Didn’t you fill out a form?”

“I thought that was a bank loan.”

Dissonance slapped his face. “No it wasn’t. It was a form to join our road crew. You filled it out. Don’t you read forms?”

“No.”

“Do you know what blind voting is?” Dissonance asked suspiciously.

“What is it? Is that supposed to be funny?”

“No. Joke to the public.”

“What’s a joke to th- actually, never mind. Am I hired?”

Dissonance shrugged. “Sure. Guess we’ve got our road crew.”

Fifteen minutes later, the three hired road crew members were assembled. Dissonance, dressed in an army uniform, marched in front of the trio. “You three have been chosen for a dangerous mission.”

“Iron Will thought that this wasn’t going to be dangerous.”

Dissonance glared at the minotaur. “Two things, one, anything can be dangerous. Second, stop talking about yourself in first person present.”

Iron Will nodded. “Iron Will will stop talking about himself in third person present. Iron Will shouldn’t talk in third person present.”

Lightning Dust kicked the minotaur. “That’s third person future.”

Mental moaned. “Iron Will, please just talk about yourself in third person present. Makes a lot more sense.”

Dissonance glared at the three offenders. “Back to business. We are going to travel across Equestria. We are going to the most dangerous place first: Trottingham!” Mental swooned and fell over, half expecting Riddle to catch him. She didn’t.