The Truly Terrible Tail of Troublesome Tropes Terrorizing Terrestrial Equestrials

An average day in Canterlot was, surprisingly enough, a relatively easy thing to come by. Celestia ruled her kingdom from the safety of her throne and did nothing but sign papers all day. The day and endless stream of documents seemed to drag out for far longer than the actual passage of time should have allowed. In fact, Celestia could swear that it was far past time to set the sun and raise the moon. What could possibly have been keeping Luna?

Suddenly, all at once and without warning, none other than Princess Luna burst through the large maple double doors leading to the throne room. “YAY AND VERILY, MINE SISTER!!!!!!!!!!. I BID THEE A HEARTY AND MUCH LONG AWAITED HELLO!!!!!!!!!!.”

Even though Luna was a good fifteen meters away, her royal Canterlot voice suddenly being turned up to eleven and a half literally threatened to blast Celestia off her throne as she held on to the back of the seat for dear life. Once the air pressure had stopped trying to force her eyeballs into the back of her skull, Celestia watched the two guards that always accompanied her in the throne room drop to the floor, unconscious, and she held her ears in hopes that the ringing might stop.

“Luna!” Celestia screamed with complete disregard for her usual regal composure, her volume paling in comparison to her sister’s. “What in Equestria is wrong with you?”

“PREPARE THYSELF, SUN-BUM SISTER!!!!!!!!!!. THY FLANK IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!. THOU HAST EATEN THINE LAST PIECE OF CAKE!!!!!!!!!!. DOTH THOU HAVE-EST ANY FINAL WORDS BEFORE MINE CHARGE BEGIN-ETH?!!!!!!!!!!.”

“Why are you screaming in old Canterlotian? You’re not even making any sense!”

Suddenly, Luna spread her wings and took to the air while charging her magic. Celestia quickly put up a barrier around herself, having finally realized that, whatever Luna was up to, she was serious. Luna let loose a mighty blast that collided and mixed with Celestia’s magic. Celestia’s barrier, now a swirl of blue and yellow, shrunk down and reshaped to the form of her body. She was now aglow in a thin film of magic which kept shrinking until only her rear half was covered in the aura.

“HA-HA!!!!!!!!!!. MINE BRILLIANT AND INGENIOUS PLAN HATH DOTH SUCCEEDED-ETH!!!!!!!!!!. NOW THINE BUTTOCKS SHALL FOREVER AND HENCEFORTH BE CEMENTED LIKE THE BONES OF THE DAMNED TO THINE PLACE OF SITTING!!!!!!!!!!.”

Luna landed with a thud on the floor and jumped into a front flip, crashing through one of the stained glass windows, shattering it into a thousand pieces. She laughed maniacally as she took to the sky before teleporting away into shadow.

Whatever Luna was up to, her ‘ingenious plan’ to keep Celestia from moving out of her throne hadn’t worked. Celestia could feel a bit of extra weight on her now literally glowing rear end, but it was far from anything that would hinder her movement.

“Guards! Guards!” she called through the palace.

Two royal guards clad in golden armor came rushing in. One of them was a generic white unicorn with nothing unique to distinguish him from the hundreds of other white unicorn guards. The other one, however, was a generic white pegasus with nothing unique to distinguish him from the hundreds of other white pegasus guards. They soluted and bowed deeply enough to faceplant right into the floor, nearly rendering one of them unconscious.

Celestia stared at them for a moment before asking the first thing that came to mind. “Guards, were you two just standing by through that entire fight?” She asked this just a little too politely, considering the situation.

The unicorn guard started shaking and trembling in pure fear of the wrath of the immortal sun-goddess before him. Even though the princess showed no signs of anger, this battle-hardened warrior who dedicated his life to protecting royalty from any threat broke down and began crying his eyes out as he slowly regressed into the fetal position at a mere glance from her highness.

The pegasus saluted with a quivering hoof. His throat tightened up and large droplets of sweat started dripping down his face. “Y-y-y-y-y-y-yes, your highness-m’lady-madam-princess-overlord! We were!”

Celestia furrowed her brow and let her mouth hang open slightly in disbelief. This was not how her guards acted. This was not how Luna acted.

“Guard,” she said as calmly as she could manage as she rubbed her temple, “why did you do nothing during my sister’s assault?”

“A lowly pony such as myself couldn’t possibly affect events like that.”

“Nonsense! You are highly trained soldiers whom I entrust with my very life. Now please, something has happened to Luna. I need you to find her and bring her to me as quickly as possible.”

The pegasus began to hyperventilate at the thought of completing a task that didn’t involve the one and only thing he knew: standing still. He flared his wings and hovered over the unicorn who was now in a pathetic state, hugging his hind legs, sucking one of his front hooves and rocking back and forth.

“I-I-I’m sorry, Princess shiny butt!” the pegasus yelled before grabbing his fellow guard and flying out of the castle.

“Has everypony gone mad?!” Celestia asked as she sat, dumbfounded.

Clearly, whatever was affecting Luna was also affecting her guards. And if this mysterious infection of the mind was spreading, there was no telling how far it had already gotten or would get. Whatever was going on, it was serious. Serious like the most serious cat of grumpiness in all of serious cat grumpitude.

Celestia shook her head vigorously as if to shake off some unheard and profoundly stupidly worded sentence that failed to convey just how truly disastrous this new form of disharmony was. She looked to the two guards that Luna had rendered unconscious and sighed. There was only one place this multi-millennial old princess of the world with thousands of powerful and influential contacts and raiser of the very sun itself could turn to. Luckily, since she had just before this incident been signing an endless stack of paperwork and there was one blank sheet of paper and a quill right next to her. She quickly picked them up in her magic and began to write.

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I have urgent news regarding an extremely pressing matter. Something has happened to Princess Luna and my royal guard. I’m afraid I don’t have time to elaborate, but I believe some sort of infection may be spreading that affects a pony’s mind. I fear the Elements of Harmony may be the only way to combat whatever new evil this is. I urge you to come to Canterlot with your friends, retrieve the elements and find my sister. This is no small task, but I have the utmost faith that you will pull through. Please respond as soon as you can.

Sincerly,

Princess Celestia

Celestia lit the paper aflame with her magic and the ashes flew through the destroyed window and headed for Ponyville. As she sat and waited for a reply, she silently wondered why she thought the Elements of Harmony would have any real affect on the situation if it truly was an infection as she suspected. Her questioning of her own possibly faulty logic was cut short as a letter materialized before her. The fact that her personal student was able to read the message and reply within mere seconds was nothing short of astounding.

Dear Princess Celestia whom I may or may not have a crush on,

I am so sorry for the lateness of this letter. Please do not banish me and then throw me in a magical kindergarten dungeon in the place that you banish me to for my horrible indiscretion! Luna came through town only just minutes ago. I’m sorry I didn’t know that I should have captured her and I let her get away. Please don’t send me to the moon for a thousand years! I’ve already started to punish myself by putting extra extra extra study work on top of my extra extra study work on top of the extra study work you gave me to do in addition to my full-time studying. (Since studying is the one and only thing I do with my time.)

I wish my friends and I could help you, but I’m currently overstocked on study quotas and my friends are all too busy being themselves to travel to Canterlot at the moment. If I cut out the one hour a night of sleep I currently have then I may be able to punish myself with more studying.

Your totally-not-in-love-with-you faithful student awaiting your wrath,

Twilight Sparkle

“No…” Celestia whispered in desperate sorrow. The affliction had already reached Ponyville and there was no telling how much farther it had already traveled. Against her better judgement, the highly powerful, possibly immortal princess decided to take matters into her own hooves. Yes, she decided to get off her shimmering butt and do something for once!

Although her and Luna’s combined magical aura still embarrassingly swirled around her back half, Celestia unfurled her wings and took to the air. There simply wasn’t any time to be concerned about appearances. She hovered in the air for a moment but decided that teleporting to the vault containing the Elements of Harmony would be faster than flying. To her relief, the elements were safe and sound. She grabbed them all and teleported to Ponyville.