The Truly Terrible Tail of Troublesome Tropes Terrorizing Terrestrial Equestrials

The pristine and beautiful sun held high in the air as its warming rays bathed the land in a smoldering heat that threatened to light the grass aflame. The wind blew at a cool, lovely five miles per hour with occasional gusts up to eighty that would extinguish any fires that might have started. Other than that, it was a beautiful day, not a single cloud in the sky because the one and only pegasus who ever consistently deals with Ponyville weather was too busy being awesome for the sake of awesomeness.

Mayor Mare trotted through the streets, smiling and silently reflecting on just how pointless it was to call herself a mayor when Princess Celestia and only Princess Celestia ever did anything even close to governmental work. “Well, hmm-hm,” she said as she watched a gray pegasus flying overhead in a spiral drop hundreds of letters and one box marked ‘fragile’. “A fine day for mayoring! Oh, death approaches!”

Suddenly, a small yellow glowing ball of light appeared before Mayor Mare. Before she could run away, or do anything at all for that matter, the glow rapidly expanded, sending the mayor tumbling several yards away. The glow dissipated, revealing a half-shining Princess Celestia. Immediately, Celestia felt the scorching heat of her sun and wiped a quickly forming bead of sweat from her brow.

“How in Equestria…” she began to ask as she stared into the sun. She and the sun were linked. It didn’t make sense that the sun would be out of place without her knowledge. Somehow, the dire situation must have temporarily thrown off her concentration. With a wave of her horn and a spark of magic, she proceeded to move the entire sun several hundred thousand miles farther away from the planet in order to cool things down a few degrees.

One small, satisfied smile was all nature would allow her, though, as a sudden gust of wind launched her into the sky. Disoriented but quick to react, Celestia unfurled her wings and righted herself. She was now hovering high over Ponyville and could finally see the true extent of the chaos this mysterious affliction had caused. Her mouth hung open as she gazed, sorrowful, at what her subjects were becoming.

Pegasi flew randomly through the air dragging stray clouds with them and confusing the weather. Unicorns were casting spells seemingly beyond their control and turning beds of flowers into actual beds that were made of chocolate. Tables turned into flocks of birds and flew away. Planks of wood came off buildings, sprouted legs and started running in circles. Earth ponies… Well, they were just earth ponies, so they pretty much just sat there, being earthy.

Only a few ponies were acting differently from the crowd. A blue unicorn mare in a star-clad purple cape and hat was running around purposely destroying anything that looked like a wheel. A mint-green unicorn mare trying to walk on her hind legs was being chased by a cream-colored earth pony mare who kept changing her voice as she yelled, “stop!” One wall-eyed, gray pegasus mare blissfully spiraled around, crashing into and destroying everything in her path followed by echoes of, “I don’t know what went wrong!”

Suddenly, Celestia heard a distant scream coming from behind. The doppler effect kicked in as a rainbow trail zoomed by mere inches from her head and bolted straight into the library. A loud “Boom!” shook Celestia’s nerves as Rainbow Dash left a large hole in the side of the building.

Steeling her resolve, Celestia teleported to the front of the tree library and walked quickly inside. The room was a mess. Dash had crashed directly into Twilight, ricocheting them both in different directions and crashing into bookshelves, sending paper flying everywhere. Celestia feared the worst, but both ponies stood up and only seemed slightly dizzy. The fact that every bone in their bodies was not shattered to bits was nothing short of a convenient miracle.

Rainbow Dash hit the side of her head to stop her googly eyes from spinning around. “Books are for eggheads! Except Daring Doo! Got to train for the Wonderbolts bye!” Dash suddenly burst into the air and sped off like a rocket, creating a new hole in the library wall.

“No, wait!” Celestia yelled, but the element of loyalty was already too far gone.

Twilight shook off a book that was covering her face and looked up at her lifelong teacher. Her eyes drifted to Celestia’s shimmering butt as her mouth hung open and her whole head turned a deep red as she blushed.

“Twilight.” Celestia raised an eyebrow and placed a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder when her student and fellow princess did not respond. “Twilight, please. I need you to focus. Just give me a sign, anything to let me know you are still you, even if only a little.”

Twilight remained as stiff as a board, but her wings slowly twitched. Steadily at first, then all at once, her wings moved and shot straight up and remained stiff like the rest of her body. Suddenly and for no discernible reason, she fell over still in a standing position as if she were a wooden doll that had been pushed over.

Celestia sighed and lowered her head. “I’m sorry for this, my dear student, but I fear we may be running out of time.” With a spark of magic, Celestia lifted Twilight into the air and flew outside.

Ponyville remained in utter chaos. It was almost enough to bring a tear to Celestia’s eyes. She began to suspect the cause of all this; there was only one being she, in all her thousands of years of knowledge, knew of who was capable of something like this. There wasn’t any time to dwell on it, however, as she needed to find the next closest element of harmony. Luckily, she could see Rarity’s boutique.

A bell dinged as Celestia entered the building, still carrying Twilight in her magical grasp. The inside was surprisingly normal-looking, if a bit deserted. Everything was well lit with sunlight pouring through many open windows. Fabric and fanciful dresses were placed with care around the shop in an attractive display that would make anypony want to spend their hard-earned money. The only noise in the air was the distant ‘tap-tap-tap’ of a sewing machine.

Taking a second, more cautious look at her surroundings, Celestia carefully stepped forth. It was almost eerie walking through the place amidst the backdrop of disorder she had left behind. ‘Tap-tap-tap-tap’ went the sewing machine. The sound was constant as she walked through the hallway towards a back room where customers were normally not allowed. ‘Tap-tap-tap-tap.’ Celestia stopped in front of a door and glanced back at her still-paralyzed student and fellow princess. ‘Tap-tap-tap.’ She breathed deeply and lifted her hoof to open the door. ‘Tap-tap…’

The noise stopped. Something told Celestia to hesitate. There was something in the back of her mind, nagging her that this was wrong, telling her to turn back. She forced those thoughts and feelings aside, pushed the door open and walked into the room with a sense of purpose. Celestia gasped lightly at what she saw.

“I’ll be with you in a moment if you…” Rarity began as she looked up at who had barged into her sewing room. “Oh, Princess Celestia! Please, do come in. To what do I owe this honor?”

Everything seemed normal. The room was perhaps a bit unorganized, but it was nothing she wouldn’t expect from a pony in the middle of creating new clothes. Rarity had quickly hopped down from her seat and fixed up her mane a bit before bowing to Celestia. It was nearly impossible to believe that neither Rarity nor her boutique were affected by whatever was going on and yet here she was, making dresses as if nothing was happening.

“Rarity,” Celestia began as she signaled the fashionista to rise from her bow, “are you feeling alright?”

“But of course. I may be a little tired from essentially locking myself away and working so long, but I assure you that I’m… very well…” Rarity trailed off as she noticed the glow behind Celestia. “Oh my goodness! What has happened to Twilight?”

Celestia wanted to breathe a sigh of relief. If Rarity had been locked away working, then she must not have come in contact with whatever was spreading the madness. And because Celestia herself was unaffected after coming into direct contact with several ponies, that could only mean the contagion didn’t spread from victim to victim. At least for now, there was hope. She lowered Twilight down in front of Rarity who quickly took to examining her friend.

“I do not know what is happening, but it would seem that something is going around and infecting everypony’s mind. I have a hunch that we may need the Elements of Harmony to fix this.”

“Of course. I will help… however I… can…” Rarity struggled to say as she held her head in one of her hooves.

“Rarity! What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

Rarity didn’t respond but shut her eyes and dropped to her haunches. She strained for a moment and groaned. Suddenly, her eyes shot open and Celestia could see her pupils dilate. Rarity stood and seemed to be free of any pain or discomfort.

“Rarity?” Celestia questioned.

Suddenly, Rarity gasped in an overly dramatic fashion. “Oh my, darling! To be in the presence of royalty, darling!”

Celestia’s expression darkened as she remained still, watching Rarity kiss her golden horseshoe, practically trying to make out with it. Rarity became infected after coming in contact with Twilight. Was Celestia just immune? Her physiology wasn’t any different from her sister’s or Twilight’s or anypony’s for that matter. It didn’t make any sense. But perhaps it wasn’t supposed to make sense. The more she thought about it, the more she grew convinced that this illness was the work of one particular creature who didn’t like to make sense.

There was no time to dilly-dally. Whether or not she was right, the world was getting more chaotic by the minute. Celestia quickly enveloped both her still-frozen student and Rarity in magic and carried them out of the store.

Taking to the sky once more, she scanned the area for her next target. Ponyville was darker now as the sky became overcast and rainclouds blocked out the sun. Suddenly a loud boom came from behind and when Celestia turned she saw a rainbow trail heading straight for her. She narrowly dodged, quickly flying perpendicularly to Rainbow’s B line. The shockwave kicked up debris, leaves and one particular unconscious mayor and sent them tumbling until Dash crashed directly into Golden Oaks Library.

Celestia was about to go after her, but Dash took off again after only a few seconds and disappeared behind the clouds. Rainbow would be a difficult one to catch. There was no way for Celestia to keep up with such reckless speed. She turned and flew towards Sugarcube Corner. Her heart sank a bit at the sound of three young fillies chanting, “Cutie marks! Cutie marks! Cutie marks!” as she flew by.

Celestia wasted no more time in bursting through the front door of the confectionary shop. “Pardon my intrusion, but it is imperative that I find…”

Celestia was stopped in her tracks by the sight before her as she tilted her head, trying to make sense of things. The shop had many pastries which was not much of a surprise, but the number and ridiculous sizes of the sweets caused her pause. Cakes and candies and donuts lined the floor like carpeting. One of the donuts in the center of the shop was at least as as big as Celestia herself. Off in one of the corners and stuck to the ceiling was a large gummy candy that the princess recognized as a Jelly Baby, something common in Trottingham.

But this mess of confection alone was not enough to cause Celestia’s brain to cease function. The real icing on the cake, the strawberry on top, the last straw that broke the camel's back sat on the front counter, the one place the sugary delights had not yet overtaken. Two twin foals dressed in perfectly-sized black suits and both wearing little top hats sat like proper gentlecolts sipping tea as more sweets flew out of the kitchen behind them. The foals both looked at Celestia. She noticed one of them was wearing a monocle.

“Goo?” one of the foals asked the other.

“Gah. Gah-gah-gah-goo,” the other responded.

They each giggled and gently clanged teacups before simultaneously taking a sip. It took a stray eclare flying through the air and skewering itself on Celestia’s horn to make the gears start turning in her head again. She wiped the dessert away and began to wade through the sea of confection, trying to cling to some sense of urgency which the world just wanted to deny her.

“Excuse me!” Celestia yelled, successfully getting the attention of Mrs. Cake. “I’m looking for Pinkie Pie.”

Mrs. Cake gasped, looking like she might have a heart attack at the sight of royalty. “Ahh! Oh my! Dear, we have a visitor!”

Mr. Cake stuck his head around the corner and started sweating bullets at the sight of their guest. “Buh… It- Gah…”

Enough was enough. Celestia darkened her expression and stomped a hoof menacingly and yelled, “Where is Pinkie Pie?”

The foals didn’t react, but their parents fell to the ground, shaking with fear. Only Mrs. Cake could gather the tiniest amount of courage to speak up. “S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-she’s a-at the apple farm!”

Celestia turned and bolted out the door, galloping towards the other end of town. She panted and began to sweat as she strained her muscles, moving as fast as she could. All those years of sitting on her throne were taking a toll. The constant use of magic wasn’t helping any either. Suddenly, she was knocked several yards to the side by some loud pulsing noise that blew out the windows in some of the surrounding buildings.

“Yeah! Feel my cello cannon!” a gray earth pony mare wearing a pink bow tie and holding a cello yelled in the distance. A white unicorn mare with a blue mane stood next to her and scoffed before peacefully playing classical music on her turntable.

Breathing heavily, Celestia stood and looked back at Twilight and Rarity to make sure she was still holding onto them. She was. A lesser mare would have had no chance of keeping up that kind of magic for so long, but Celestia was no ordinary mare, no. She was Princess Sparkling Shiny McSunbutt the Great! She was downright unslayable like the most unslayable thing that was ever a thing that could not be slain!

Celestia shook her head like she was shaking off some completely stupid and forced description of her current situation. Noticing her close proximity to the farm and the fact that her wings had had plenty of rest, she galloped forth and took to the air. She flew over the trees, heading for the barn at the center of the field and scanned the area for ponies. As Celestia hovered around the barn she noticed one of the walls had a giant, pink '4' painted on it. Upon closer inspection, she saw a small hole just large enough for a pony to fit through in the wall with the words 'Pinkie waz here' painted in the same pink.

Celestia stared at the wall for a moment, trying to understand what exactly she was looking at, but a soft banging sound behind her took her attention away. The noise happened again. She followed it, hopeful that it may lead to her little ponies. The sound came again, close this time, and was followed by another noise that sounded like a cheerful yell.

Soon, three ponies came into view, Applejack, Big Macintosh and Pinkie Pie. Big Mac and Applejack were hastily bucking the apples off every tree around. For every apple that fell to the ground, Pinkie darted over and waved little flags and cheered for them, seemingly throwing each one a mini-party.

Celestia sighed as she lifted them both in her magic. At least these two were easy enough to catch with yells of ‘What in tarnation’ and a drawn out ‘Whee!’ being their only resistance. Celestia flew back into the air and double checked who she had. “Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. That just leaves… Rainbow Dash? When did you—”

“I heard you were collecting ponies and Rainbow Dash does not come in last place,” Dash said with her forelegs crossed. “Especially not behind Fluttershy.”

“…”

Big Mac watched, listlessly chewing on a piece of wheat, as Celestia wasted no more time in flying away. “Eeyup.”

“Big Mac!” Granny Smith said as she approached from behind. “Where’d Applejack go?”

“Nnope.”

“What?”

“Eeyup.”

“Where am I? Is this nineteen-ought-six?”

“Nnope.”

“Who are you?”

As Celestia grew closer to Fluttershy’s cottage, she noticed that the atmosphere seemed a bit different. It almost seemed normal. Disturbingly normal. Everything was calm. There was no wind blowing, no absurd weather or overcast sky. Everything had a sense of stillness to it like the eye of a storm. Celestia landed and walked cautiously up to the front door. She was just about to knock on the door when a loud bang like a bolt of lightning came from behind the house.

Celestia, more than a little shaken, quickly leapt up and flew over Fluttershy’s cottage and towards the noise. She landed on the roof and let her jaw hang open when she saw the cause of the sound. Discord, floating in the backyard, clenched his claw and paw and grunted as energy charged in his horns. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning shot from his head into the clouds. Staring at the clouds, Discord stroked his beard quizzically. What’s more, Fluttershy sat off to the side, watching intently while eating a large bucket of popcorn.

“Discord!” Celestia yelled, getting both his and Fluttershy’s attention. “I thought you were reformed. I thought we could trust you. I see now that I was mistaken.”

“Iom? On! I ma gnipleh!”

Celestia raised an eyebrow as she set the five ponies she had collected down next to Fluttershy and placed their respective elements on them. “What nonsense is this? If you have something to say for yourself, then say it clearly.”

“Tub I ma! Ti sekam on esnes ot em, tub gnihtemos si gnisrever ym sdrow!”

“Enough! This ends now!”

One by one, each of the Elements of Harmony’s eyes began to glow as the elements seemed to clear each of their minds. Discord tried to turn and run, but Celestia lassoed him with her magic and held him just long enough that the elements could unleash their rainbow power. A rainbow arced into the air and hit the spirit of chaos directly.

“Pots! On! On!” Discord screamed as he struggled against the power of the elements turning him to stone.

His struggles were of no use as the last of him was transformed into rock. In a rather undignified position with his limbs frozen in a flailing stance and his face scrunched to one side, Discord fell to the ground defeated once and for all. The rainbow light didn’t stop there. It formed a sphere of light that quickly expanded outward to envelop all of Equestria.

Celestia sighed in relief and also in disappointment of Discord. Now all that was left was to have Luna help her get rid of the annoying shine around her butt that just would not go away. She looked to the elements, who all seemed to be shaking off a bit of dizziness, and smiled softly.

“What in Equestria just happened?” Rarity asked.

“I’m afraid Discord decided to betray us, my little ponies,” Celestia said. “But it is all over now.”

“Uh, now that everythin’ is over with, ah have somethin’ to say!” Applejack announced to her friends. “Rarity! Ah… Ah’m in love with you!”

The ponies all gasped in an overly dramatic fashion as Celestia remained as still and stoic as the stone they had just turned Discord into.

“Oh, the drama!” Rarity exclaimed as she summoned a fainting couch with which to faint on. “I’m sorry, Applejack, but there is… another!”

Twilight, Dash, Fluttershy and Applejack all gasped as loudly as they could as Pinkie played dramatic organ music behind them.

“For you see,” Rarity continued, “I am in love… with Fluttershy!”

Another round of gasps was followed by more dramatic organ music.

“B-b-but, Rarity,” Fluttershy said, “I must confess that I am in love… with Rainbow Dash!”

Once more, overly dramatic music and gasps sounded as Celestia’s expression grew cold and she began to stare off into the distance.

“Fluttershy!” Dash yelled. “I’m sorry, but I love… Twilight!”

The gasping and dramatic music sounded one more time.

“Oh my goodness,” Twilight said. “Rainbow, I… I… I am in love… with my books!”

They all gasped once again as Pinkie jumped into the center of her friends and exclaimed, “Well, I’m in love with all of you! MAKE OUT PARTY!”

The six friends piled together and rolled away in one big chaotic ball kicking up dust as they tumbled away into the distance. Celestia slowly turned her head. Discord was indeed in stone, but the chaotic weather hadn’t changed and Ponyville still appeared to be in shambles.

In all her thousands of years, Celestia had always strived to remain regal, polite and kind no matter the situation. Thus far, she had never once spoken in a rude manner or said anything that one may find offensive. But here, in this case, all Celestia could do was frown, take a deep breath and utter one word.

“Shit.”