Twilight finds a stick (and some other stuff happens, but she doesn't care)
Twilight finds a stick (and some other stuff happens, but she doesn't care)
This story takes place in the social reject melting pot, also known as Ponyville. Today is a Monday, and everypony hates Mondays, so this can't end well. All the washed up rejects of society were minding their own business, not bothering to notice the whole world didn't revolve around them. A few mischievous fillies ran out of a certain school before the whole place exploded in a shower of cheese and over-used memes. The trio jumped up and shouted "Cutie Mark Crusaders Arsonists! Yay!" then jumped off to cliff to try and fly. They couldn't fly.
But this story is about a certain other pony. Let's go back in time about three minutes. A lumpish, fat, retarded purple unicorn strolled (or flopped) down the street. She hummed a merry (disgrace to all music) tune whenever her face wasn't squashed under her folds of fat as she rolled, which sounded like she was farting through her nose when she was. Her eyes darted back and forth between the ground and her butt cheeks as they flapped in her eyes.
Then she saw two little filly things hit the ground besides her and explode in a shower of blood and marshmallows... but Twilight didn't care. They must not be important. She was too busy for them. She looked up and saw that one filly was in a hot-air balloon, flying to safety, laughing at the fate of her friends. Twilight made a mental note to congratulate that filly for her trolling of her friends. Then the dead orange one wasn't dead, and it leaped up, crying "I WILL SURVIVE!!!" before running to town with a large coconut strapped to her nose for no reason at all.
She let rip a sonic fart-boom and blasted down the road, turning any pony caught in the bowling ball's path to nothing more than r63 fanart. She barreled down the path for hours in this manner, until she came to collide with Sunbutt herself. Sunbutt was turned into a butt, which sat there on the ground for all eternity, farting it's life away. Luna lol'd.
Then Twilight saw a pipe sticking out of the ground (or maybe it was an orange lump), so she gave it a with before urinating on it, then eating it. "Hmm..." She took in the vast amount of bitter, vile, and sour flavors. "Tastes like chicken!"
No one ever saw Scootaloo again after that.
Then Twilight saw it. A stick. A yellow stick. A yellow stick with her face on it. At first she recoiled from the hidious atrocity, because she didn't know what her face looked like. But she got curious. She took the stick and held it up in awe. It gleamed in the light of nothing (because when Sunbutt turned into a butt, her butt sucked up the sun), a sacred artifact of all that is good and holy. It was something to be treasured, something to be revered, something that nopony could ever touch.
So Twilight ate it.
A magical cloud of golden gas passed out of her butt hole, spreading far and wide. But Twilight didn't want to share her golden butt dust, so she flew through the sky through sheer will power, eating it all up. Her eyes derped as she ingested this magical product of indigestion, metal, and farts. Twilight's body couldn't take it all in, so she let loose a nuclear explosion.
Out her butt.
Cities were leveled, farms destroyed, and the the souls ripped right out of those unfortunate to be caught in the blast. They also lost all their dignity. And their balls, both men and women.
Twilight cheered, for she had committed mass murder and (not) gotten away with it! Then Rainbow Dash fell out of the sky, taking Twilight with her. When she got up, Twilight saw that her friend was in fact dead, The skin had been melted off of her butt, and her eyes had been turned into steaming holes of goop. Her nose oozed something red, which Twilight assumed was nuclear radiation. Either that or blood. She couldn't tell.
She took a dump on her friend's dead body and shouted at her. "Why did you knock me out of the sky?! Can't you see how important I am? I'm the princess of... of... stuff! You better watch were you're going next time, or else I'll make sure you die a horrible death in the pits of Tartarus!"
Then she flopped away, certain she had taught her friend a lesson. Then Sweet Apple Acres burnt to the ground for no reason. Apple Bloom was flying through the air on a giant booger, spreading AIDS and diabetes to everypony. Applejack shot her out of the sky with a nuke, which rained radiation on the ponies below, giving them radiation poisoning in addition to their AIDS and diabetes. Suffice to say, the ponies down there weren't really happy.
Twilight saw Pinkie Pie swimming through the sky, wearing an oxygen tank and a scuba mask. Twilight flopped over to her and grabbed the mask with her butt cheeks, ripping it off Pinkie's face. Pinkie flopped around like she was suffocating. Twilight chalked it up as Pinkie begin Pinkie and left her to act like she was dying. Then Pinkie died. Then she came back to life. Then she ran out of air and died again. This time, her body exploded.
Twilight saw Rarity drinking burnt toast, which her retarded sister had made for her. Rarity was currently hacking and coughing up little bits of toast and a few troll faces Sweetie had snuck in. If she wasn't about to die, Rarity would have noticed the troll song in the background, and Sweetie dancing to its beat with face in full troll mode.
Twilight activated her troll face and turned Rarity's face into a jar of pickles. Then she ate the pickles, killing Rarity. But nobody cared, because all Rarity did was complain about life while pretending to be useful around her friends. She was also abusive, but nobody cared about that. Her body melted into the ground and a tombstone popped up over where her body had lain. It read:
"Here lies Rarity, queen of all b*tchs, ruler of drama, and lord of being-a-pain-in-the-a**"
Then the moon exploded, sending bits of memes scattered across Equestria. Ponies where crushed to death by the overwhelming amounts of over-used and meaningless memes. Luna committed suicide by swallowing a rubber duck. The survivors of the apocalypse formed a cult to worship the troll face. From that day forward, they sacrificed one ponies face a day. They used a toilet plunger to suck a random ponies face off and offer it up to the troll face. Those who gave up their faces were forced to wander the land in endless agony as a deaf, blind, mute pony. They also couldn't breath, so they usually died of suffocation within a few minutes. The troll face just lol'd and smote them all.
Twilight had enough of all the craziness in the world, so she read a book on law and order. As her mind began to comprehend the vast and amazing knowledge that is law and order, something amazing happened. Something wonderful. Something nopony could have foreseen except for everypony save Twilight.
Twilight farted.
And then it rained bananas.
Author's Note
I suppose apologizing for this atrocity won't work, right?
Hehe... my bad...
