The Hunt for Hannik

I woke up to a loud banging. "Siran, Siran!?" The bearded stallion's voice rang through the door. I shot upright and pulled my pack from under the cushion.

The mare I'd slammed was slowly coming to. "Father?"

The banging grew louder and louder. "You open this door, you open this now!"

"Ha-haha...oh shit." I pulled my pack on and bashed the window open. "Well, it's been fun." I climbed into position. "I fucked your daughter!" I yelled, jumping out of the building and into a small pile of sand. I rolled down, finding myself in a small side yard to the short Saddle home. I hopped a wall and met the street running, booking it towards the main road out of the town..

"Blast!? Blast, come on we're leaving!" I screamed, running through the streets of the small village, trying to get my bearings and shifting the weight of my bag onto my shoulder.

A loud crack caught my attention, followed by Blast throwing himself out a broken shudder and into the street. "Go, go, go, go!" He yelled, running past me and down the street towards the south. I joined him in his sprint, running towards the desert road that would lead us towards the oasis cities that comprised the heartlands of Saddle Arabia.

"Fuck me, I--stole--this." Blast stopped at the edge of the town and pulled a golden idol from his jacket. "Take it!" He skidded to a stop at the edge of the town, trotting in place with the golden statuette.

I dropped down and undid my pack. "Make it fit, you retard!"

Blast jammed the golden trinket into my bag and zipped it up. With our loot secured we started running back towards the southern road. The town behind us was slowly lighting up, shouts and clatter crying out as a small mob centered around a pair of screaming stallions started searching for us. "Go, run dude, run!" I grabbed Blast by his collar, dragging him towards the waiting dunes that surrounded the remote village.

"Oh, wait!" I shouted, slowing my run and fishing the guard's ID I'd stolen. I turned around, chucking the wallet as hard as I could. "Take it up with me later!" I shouted, watching the wallet go sailing towards the herd of ponies threatening to run us down. I turned to the road, my lungs starting to ache as me and my accomplice fled the town for the waiting dunes.

The sun rose slowly, bouncing off our new outfits and blinding everything that stood before us. Life went south as we traveled the same. "Blast...does it strike you as odd that the guards didn't have a car of some sort?" I patted down my pockets, searching the guard's uniform. "Like...we're stuck out here," I stopped and twirled around a large dune on my heel. We'd been walking for some time, and the far off town had given way to a completely barren set of rolling sand hills. "but they would have been stuck too."

Blast nodded, "Yeah, it just doesn't make--" He went to wave his hoof at the way we came, a small silver key flying out of his cuff and landing in the sand. Time went still as we both stared at the bright thing stuck in the sand. "Oh...."

I licked my lips, my eyelids lifting up and letting the sun scorch my eyes fully. "Oh? Oh!? Blast, you're a fucking retard!" I screamed, my accent still lessening the impact. "You don't fucking say, oh! Oh, I forgot my coffee! Oh, I stubbed my toe! Not, oh, I didn't realize we probably needed a way to get around! Oh, I didn't realize they probably had a car! Oh, we're gonna die out here because I didn't check my fucking pockets!" I screamed, storming up to Blast and towering over him. "Don't fucking, oh, me!"

"Well you should have--"

I cut blast off. "No, listen to me! I'm not the one who didn't check the fucking pockets! Maybe I'm not the one who thought about it, but I got to fuck a mare's face, what did you get to do!?"

"I stole something!" Blast shouted, trying to push back against me. "I--"

"So I get to die with a wet dick, and you get to die with some shitty trinket!" I turned to the dune, watching as a storm starting to appear on the edge of the far dunes. "And here we go! No tent, no water, nothing! And now a sandstorm is here to- holy shit that's a carriage." I stated, dropping my arms and watching the pony pulled cart sail across the dunes, a bright purple flag waving in it's wake. "Hey, hey!" I shouted, jumping in the air and waving my arms like mad.

The cart of the gods veered off it's course, heading towards us and spitting sand like crazy. "Oh thank god." I cooed, falling to my knees and tracking the carriage as it popped up and over the dunes, swiftly tearing across the desert. I felt like crying, watching the gilded creation pull up to us, the ponies left to pull jangling. My guts twisted as the cart drew to a stop over the dune. The ponies pulling were chained up, metal yokes locked around their heads. "Oh god no...." I groaned, wiping off my face and looking up into the cabin.

I could see a Saddle pony in a bright purple sun hat peeking out. "Hello, are you in need of help?" The pony asked, Saddle Arabian remarkably close to French. Sadly enough I couldn't speak the language, understanding it was hard enough. "Shouldn't you be in Scolard?"

I let out a tried groan, "A noble, a slaver, and a prick." I stood up, walking over the the four ponies chained to the cart. "How the hell do you...free?" I asked, "You want...free?"

The closest pony looked up at me, eyes broken and tired. "Monarchist scum...leave me--"

"Does anyone here speak English, Equestrian, German?" I asked, grabbing the chains that the slaves were attached to and rattling them. "Hello, anyone--"

"I do." A soft voice from inside the cart cried out, followed by another pony poking out of the carriage window. "...What did you want to say?"

I licked my lips, looking from the pulling slave to the smiling noble pony in the back. "I- oh fuck it." I pulled my crossbow from my pack, aiming it dead on the purple hatted pony. The pony froze, hooves digging in against the side of the carriage. "How about you tell him to get out."

The mare in the window scooted away from the stallion, muttering softly before actually speaking. "He wants you...to get out."

The stallion in the hat slowly pulled his hooves inside, opening the door and stepping out. He was a short little ass, half the size of a normal Saddle Arabian. "Well, look at the napoleon complex on you." I danced around the pony, Blast following me as I commandeered the carriage. "Your contribution to the cause is most generous." I mumbled, Blast scrambling into the cart. "Now if you start running, you'll make it to that town before noon. Wouldn't want to be stuck out here around then." I holstered my crossbow and climbed inside the luxury carriage. The mare was leashed to the side, the ponies pulling the cart visible through a small screened window in the front.

The mare in the cabin looked on with awe. "Who are you!?" She asked, pushing herself against the side and holding her hooves out defensively.

I shrugged. "I'm so murdering, slave driving, desert wastrel. But right now I need a ride, and freedom for travel sounds good, right?" I stretched out, resting my feet on the opposite side of the benches. "And if you don't understand what I'm saying, mostly because you're an idiot probably, this is a rescue." I pulled a small knife from my boot, wiping the dried beans off it and reaching towards the mare.

"Wait, no!" She squealed, tucking her hooves up against her face and shivering.

"Oh calm down." I sliced through the leash tying her to the carriage. "I'm on a murder break. And a rape break for that matter...and...no, I can't take a break from thievery." I chopped up the leather leash, throwing it out the window and sitting back. "Hey, so can we get moving? No offense, but looking at your pretty face isn't going to keep us from dying of dehydration."

The mare held the tattered bit of her leash in her hooves. "I don't...what?"

I shook my head, "Tell them to head back towards the big cities! Jesus, I'm trying to be a nice guy and you're just pissing about!" The mare sat there, continuing to gormlessly stare at me. "Tell them!" I shouted, causing the mare to jump towards the window at the front of the carriage.

"Go, to Blackwater!" The mare shouted, her tail bumping up slightly as she leaned against the wall, her flank wobbling pleasingly. "We're free! We're-- Ow!" The mare spun around, glaring at me for the squishy slap I gave her flank. "...I- why?!"

I shrugged, "Got a nice booty...now are we gonna- oh, there we go." The carriage pulled away, leaving the noble stallion screaming his head off on the top of our dune. "Ah, serendipity and a hot mare."

The mare continued to look at me, starting to blush slightly. "Why are you--"

"Because you're cute. Now sit down...I just got laid, so I'm really not in the- uh...I'm gonna be nice and just shut up." I crossed my legs, sliding against the side of the carriage. "Sandy tan flank...squishy."

Things got quiet. The mare slowly wandered to her corner, sitting as far from me as possible. Blast tapped his hooves together. "So...could I--"

"Shut up Blast! You dropped the ball!" I shouted, kicking at him and spitting sand in his face. "Just...sit there and be quiet."

The beating of hooves took over, the sandy hills passing quickly as the ponies worked hard to get us to a new desert home. "So, who are you?" The mare asked, still pressed against the corner of the carriage. "Are you actually going to--"

"I'm a murderer, a thief, a rapist, slaver, and all around shitty person. But I'm on a break, and I need a ride. So...yes, you can go free, those boys out there can go do what they want, all I want is to get out of this stupid ass desert, and get drunk."

The mare scratched at the wall of the carriage. "I'm not sure if I can--"

"I face fucked a mare in the last town, I stole golden treasure from long buried temples, I screwed over Daring do, and now I just want to sell what I have, and take a nap. Taking a nap on a mare's flank or on a pair of bouncing breasts would be ideal, but I'm really just looking forward to an actual bed." I tapped my knuckle against the wall. "And a bunch of Saddle Arabian slaves is just gonna make things more complicated." I turned to the mare with a smile, "Unless you're voulenteering to be my butt pillow."

The mare's ears went flat. "No.... I have a family to get back--"

"You're a slave right?" I asked, uncrossing my legs. "How'd that happen?"

The mare looked uneasy. "Not...a slave, just...arranged marriage...."

I scoffed, "Well that fucker is lost in the desert!" I stood up, switching up seats and sliding up against the mare. "Now stick with me...we will wreck shop all across Saddle Arabia!"

The mare tried to escape. "Is that a command?"

I slid back, giving the mare some room. "No...but you're cute, and I'd hate to see someone like you ending up under some gross, sweaty stallion."

The mare's face contorted up into a hard frown. "It's not like I have much choice...my family needs the mon--"

I let out an angry groan. "Bitch, what did I just say about being a thief!?" I set my bag down, rummaging around and finding a sizable chunk of gold statue. "Here, down payment."

The mare fumbled with the statuette, "What- I- what?!"

I put my arm around the mare. "Girl...come with me and my-" I looked towards blast, finding him half asleep and laying across the bench seat, "-uh.... Actually...just come with me, you could replace him. Hang out with me, steal, live the life, get that sandy flank some bits and make you a star!"

The mare stared angrily at the gold in her hooves. "...But I'm not--"

"You can be a thief, or a belly dancing cock sleeve for old men." I patted her foreleg. "Now come on, I promise I won't hurt you...or...rape you, or any of that stuff."

The mare looked up at me, face contorted with an unreadable confounded expression. "You are a terrible person...aren't you?"

I laughed jauntily. "I worked in human trafficking in Wales, ran drugs into Ireland, am a legal citizen of fucking Sealand, and just shot my load into a sweet country mare's mouth." I jostled the mare's mane. "I'm a rotten person, on a break from being rotten."

The mare looked me up and down. "My name is Emerald, and I have no want to be passed about from colt to colt like a harem mare!"

I smiled extremely wide. "Oh god...that fire-" I poked the mare's chest, causing her to giggle. "-right- oh my god! You're like the biscuit man!" I laughed sharply, my accent causing the laugh to cascade out of control. "Oh dear god.... Devil of Cardiff, giggling with a pony mare in my arm.... Mother would be proud."