The Hunt for Hannik

I hung my head out of the carriage, watching the dunes speed by. "Oi, water ho!" I shouted, my rich accent still ruining my credibility as a bandit. I tucked my head back into the carriage, spotting Emerald half asleep next to Blast. "Hey, pretty eyes, wake up!" I reached over, grabbing the mare by the inside of her thigh and pulling her over. "Come on!"

Emerald flipped out, whipping me with her green mane. "Bah- what?!"

I grabbed her by her forelegs. "Jesus, what the hell!? Why are you speaking French!?" I shouted, shaking her awake. "Stop speaking that devil language!"

Emerald's eyes snapped open. "What!?" She looked around the carriage like mad. "Where is he!?"

I held Emerald still. "Who?"

Emerald's eyes slowly calmed down, settling on me. "Oh...oh thank the sun." She let out a deep sigh. "I thought it was going to happen...oh thank the gods, the sun, moon, thank it all." She sighed, melting in my grip.

I cocked my head. "Sweaty stallion, stuffing supple...mare plot, with...god damn I suck at alliteration." I shook my head, carefully pulling her towards the doors of the carriage. "Did you think you were gonna get abused? And by abused, I mean fucked. That thing I kicked out of here sexing up something like you is abuse against god!"

The mare just babbled. "I'm just so happy right now." She wore a dumb smile, "You're a bandit right? Well...you're not--"

"Are you drunk?" I asked, holding the mare against my side. "Wake up ya twit!"

Emerald slowly came to. "Oh- oh!" She shook her head hard. "You--"

"Hannik, I'm Hannik...how are you?"

"Right." the mare nodded, "Apologies, things have been rather hectic."

I shrugged, "Sure, but I'm the hero, rescuing you from the life of a sexy, sexy cock sleeve. Now go tell those pullers to take us to the water." I switched seats with her, leaving her to talk with the ponies pulling the cart. I looked around the swanky carriage, still buzzing with anticipation. It was finally happening, I was going to head to a desert jewel. I was going to sell off everything I stole, everything I looted and pillaged, and I was finally going to live the life I wanted.

The mare pulled her head back in. "We're going to stop. Can I ask--"

"It's water." I stated, finding my boots on the floor of the carriage. "That and I need to bathe before we go to...Black Water? Is that where we're headed?"

Emerald shrugged. "To be honest, I don't remember much from yesterday. I've been trying to block out my time with that stallion- but...but he's gone." She grew a soft smile. "I hope he dies out there, oh by the sun let him die."

I chuckled haughtily. "So dark, I love it." I hugged the mare with my right arm, "Such an evil little bitch, wrapped up in such a pretty body. Seriously, I love it."

The mare tried to shove me free. "You love me, yet called me a bitch?"

"I call myself a horrid bastard, so don't take it too hard. Or take it hard...real hard, just-" I held the mare hard against my side, "-so hard." I let out a soft coo, "Gonna bruise that flank I get the chance, just you wait."

Emerald stared at me, cheeks puffed out. "I thought you said--"

"I'm not a rapist. But you say the word and I'll show you a night you'll never forget." I rubbed the mare's foreleg, "And don't start getting mad at me. You're too hot for your own good."

Emerald relaxed, leaning against my right. "You know, I do believe you. I'd imagine I'd be on the floor if you intended to rape me."

The carriage slowly rolled to a stop. "Truly. I'm a thief, a desert rat, a psychotic and an arbitrary twat, but I'm not a rapist. I have standards, even if they don't make sense!" I let the mare go, shoving the door open and flinging myself out of the carriage. "Now let's unchain you yokel fucks!" I cheered, landing heavily on the sand surrounding a small oasis. "Woo!"

The slaves chained up at the front of the carriage were nearly dead, heaving and huffing from the long pull. I hurried around to the side of the carriage. "Blast, wake the hell up!" I slammed the door, causing a loud thud on the inside. "Keys!?"

Blast grumbled loudly from inside, a small keyring flinging out the window. "Celestia damn you...too loud."

I yanked the keys from the sand, leaning back and adopting an excellent posture. "Slavers, rapists and torturers beware!" I jammed they keys into place on one of the stallion's harnesses. "An whirlwind of debauched freedom approaches!" I slammed the key to the side, opening up the massive yoke from the first stallion's neck. "Anarchy and gold, coming to your fucked up little lives!" I went on to the next stallion, freeing him just the same. "Freedom." I stated, calm and perfectly juxtaposed against my otherwise manic sermon. "Freedom, from a bloody great Welsh dragon!" I cheered, my posh accent still bugging me to no end.

I could swear, curse, scream and yell, but I'd never make a convincing chav or renegade. "So who's gonna blow me?" I continued to undo the chains, "Freedom aside, one of ya should pay a little respect." I laughed, knowing not a soul there would agree. I laughed loudly. "Oh god, they don't even speak English, do they?"

I finished up with the locks, watching the carriage team bolt into the water. Emerald strolled out, sandy brown coat nearly blending in with the sand. "I don't believe so. Wait, you don't speak Saddle?"

I turned to the rather tall mare. "I didn't even know they had their own language!" I laughed, all too pleased with myself to feel serious. "Is that what you were speaking earlier?"

Emerald nodded, "You mean this?" She asked, speaking fluent French.

"Gaugh- Frenchy, cheesy prick." I groaned, "Saddle Arabians speak bloody French? Oh god...I knew I should have gone north." I fell to the sand, the warm grains pleasant against my back. "Smell that?" I asked, kicking my legs. "That's the smell of regret and freedom. Mostly regret though."

Emerald walked over, "Um, wha--"

"Speak pony to me, not that devil talk." I hissed, "Can't stand the French."

Emerald just looked at me as I laid in the sand. "Alright, I think." She looked down at the stallions playing in the water. "Are you sure you're a bandit? I don't think that was very--"

"I'm a bandit with arbitrary ass morals and a boner the size of the royal navy."

Emerald cocked her head, "The what?"

"The royal navy. And what I mean by that is, it's shrinking by the hour." I started to laugh, it felt forced and dry. "Oh god...and people wondered why I wanted to leave that place." I sat up in the sand. "So, you know anyone high up in Black Water?"

Emerald nodded, "I might. Who are you looking for?"

I smiled wide. "I need someone rich, and willing to spend lots of money on stupid artifacts." I turned to the mare with a smile. "We're gonna be rich, powerful, and you're gonna wear the skimpiest clothing I can find."

Emerald frowned. "But I don't wear clothes."

I scratched my head. "Good point." I grabbed the zipper on my pants, "I'll take your advice--"

"I wasn't saying you shouldn't!"

"Too late, pants are off!"