A book by Discord

                “Book one, chapter 1,” chimed an all too familiar voice in my head. “The legendary hero arises from the dust, confronted by a strange and new world”.

                I remained where I was.

                Discord coughed and cleared his voice, “I said-“

“I heard what you said, and I’m not going along with it, so go to hell!”

“Well, if you’re not going to listen to me, I’ll just have to find another way to motivate you.”

                “There is no way you are getting to participate in this stupid book of your”.

“Let’s see, what if I turned you into a mare…”

                “NO!”

                 He seemed not to hear me.

                “I could make this work! How is this for an opening line,” and he coughed several times to clear his voice. “She stared at his hard, muscular body, her eyes traveling down his flank to the throbbing between his hind legs-”

                “NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!”

                “She pressed herself against his body. His hooves wrapped around her, bring her in close. She brushed a hoof through his flowing mane, letting it drift down to his belly, sliding back until she felt his-“

                “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Fine, I’ll keep you as a male, how arbitrarily boring. You know, you could have been a part of the greatest romantic novel of the age, and set the hearts of young mares aflutter.  I would have called it “50 Gray Mares” or “50 Mares of Grey”, or something like that”.

                “Discord, if I ever get my hands on you, I will-“

“You’re what? I’m the little voice inside your head, narrating this story, and will remain as such until the end.”

                I grumbled under my breath.

“Now where were we, aw, yes,” and once more he cleared his voice. “The legendary hero arises from the dust, confronted by a strange and new world”.

                Reluctantly I opened my eyes.

                I was on the ground. I had appeared on a well-traveled road, hoof and wagon marks indistinguishable in the dirt. A thick forest of trees lined both sides. Ahead of me, the road snaked out of sight.

                I got to my feet.

                More appropriately they were hooves, four of them. I stomped in place, testing out my four ‘legs’. From all appearances I had a white ‘coat’. I looked up, and found a horn protruding from my head. I looked behind me, and found feathered wings and a blazing sun on my flank. I checked between my legs just to be safe.

                It could be worse.

“Tut, tut, tut, that won’t do at all. No two ponies are the same; unless of course you’re Pinkie Pie or you travel back in time to warn yourself of an up and coming disaster. I most currently don’t want to you resembling that high and mighty Celestial, of all ponies. Let’s see, how about…” and I heard Discord snap his fingers.

                My coat was now a mass of colors all bleeding into one another.

“It’s perfect, a masterpiece; the embodiment of chaos in pony form.”

                “NO!”

“Fine, have it your way.”

                Another snap. I now resembled a candy cane.

                “One color only!”

                Snap. Now I bright bubblegum pink!

                “No!”

                Snap. I was bright, neon green.

                “I want to be black.”

“Already taken, and having two black alicorns is unacceptable”.

                “Red.”

                Snap. I was red. My mane was still an array of different colors.

                “Turn my mane and tail to a dark, blood red. And I want my eyes to be blue”.

                Another snap. I assumed he changed my eyes, I can’t tell without a mirror.

“I need to do something about your cutey mark; again, one per pony. It’s supposed to reflect a pony’s special talent, but you don’t have one. How about I have it reflect your inner self? Since you’re a giant dick, I’ll just put one-“

                “NO!”

“Fine. What about this?”

                The sun was replaced with a ring of white starts. I guess it was as good as any.

“Now are you ready go?”

                I grumbled, “let’s get this over with.”

“Our hero, Prince Starcircle Fluffy-Pants the thirteenth, trotted slowly along-“

                “No!”

“Fine, Prince “Star Circle” trotted slowly along the road the country road”.

                Grudgingly, I moved off down the road.

                My hooves clopped softly on the dirt road. Amazingly enough, my legs worked automatically, falling in sync with each other, as if I had had four legs my entire life. At least I didn’t have to relearn how to walk.

                The wind was gently blowing; bring with it the smell of summer flowers.  The sun was high in the sky. Nature played out all around me; tiny song birds chirped and fluttered in the trees. Something bigger was soaring high overhead.

                This wasn’t going to be so bad.

“When suddenly a group of bandits jumped out and kidnapped him.”

                “What!”

                A dozen masked ponies leapt out of the trees. They tackled me to the ground, and tied ropes around my hooves and wings. Another pony placed a hood over my horn. Quickly they stepped back from me.

                A bigger, muscular blue pegasus stepped forth. He smiled malevolent down at me.

                “What do we have here? Going for a stroll in the woods, your highness?”

                He barked orders to the other ponies. “Take him back to the cave. This one will fetch a nice ransom.”

“And the bandits knocked our hero out and took him back to their cave”.

An earth pony stepped forth. He wasn’t as big as the pegasus, but had the same evil grin.“Good night, your highness,” he said, drawing back a hoof. He kicked me in the head, and everything went back.

Discord, I hate you oh so much.